>> Stephen: TONIGHT, CANMILITARY ACTION SOLVE

THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS.

WELL IT'S CERTAINLY ALLEVIATEDTHE GLOBAL RUBBLE SHORTAGE.

THEN, A SURPRISING ALLY IN THEWAR ON TERROR.

MEET THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEPBRIAN BIN LADEN.

AND MY GUEST, WALTER MISCHEL,SAYS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS THE

PATIENCE TO DELAY GRATIFICATION.

OOH!

I WANT SOME DELAYEDGRATIFICATION NOW!

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

A NEW MEXICO POLICE OFFICERCLAIMS TO HAVE SEEN A GHOST ON A

SURVEILLANCE CAMERA.

BUT HE LET IT GO BECAUSE IT WASWHITE.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THIS IS THE "COLBERT REPORT"!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )FOLKS, FOLKS-- YOU KNOW ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO.

YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE NEVER BEENA FAN

OF ATTORNEY GENERAL AND GUY WHOLIKES WHAT HE SEES ERIC HOLDER.

WELL, TODAY WE FOUND OUT THATNOT ONLY IS HE A JACK-BOOTED

THUG, BUT IT TURNS OUTHE'S ALSO A QUITTER.

>> BREAKING NEWS.

A MAJOR DEPARTURE FROM PRESIDENTOBAMA'S CABINET.

ERIC HOLDER, THE FIRST AFRICANAMERICAN ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE

UNITED STATES AND THE CLOSESTFRIEND IN THE CABINET TO

PRESIDENT OBAMA, IS GOING TOANNOUNCE TODAY HE IS LEAVING THE

POST.

>> YES, OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY ISSINKING SO FAST, EVEN HIS FRIEND

WON'T STICK AROUND.

AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE SOMEFOOTAGE OF HOLDER ESCAPING

THE COLLAPSING OBAMA REGIME INTHE NICK OF TIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I GOTTA SAY, I'M WITH MITCH

McCONNELL HERE.

THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

HOLDER WILL BE LEAVING IN 2015,BUT SO FAR, NO REPLACEMENT HAS

BEEN NAMED.

SO TONIGHT, I HUMBLY OFFER.

MY SERVICES AS ATTORNEY GENERAL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

NOW, FOLKS, I HEAR YOUR CALL.

FULL DISCLOSURE-- I AM NOT ANATTORNEY, BUT I'M PRETTY GOOD AT

THINGS IN GENERAL.

( LAUGHTER )AND I'M A QUICK LEARNER WHEN IT

COMES TO LEGAL MATTERS.

ONE TIME, I FELL ASLEEPDURING A "LAW AND ORDER"

MARATHONAND WOKE UP KNOWING THE WORD

"JURISPRUDENCE."

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

NOW, NATION, WE ARE JUST FOURDAYS INTO OUR LATEST WAR.

FOR MORE, LET'S GO TOSOMETHING LOUD AND FLASHY.

DA-DA-DA.

DUN-DUN-DUN.

AIRSTRIKES ON TERROR!

SYRIA'S BUSINESS.

SHOVE IT UP THEIR ISIL!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JIMMY?

JIMMY, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOINGTO FIX THE SOUND ON THAT.

>> WE DID.

>> Stephen: GREAT!

SOUNDS GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

FOLKS, AS EXCITED AS I AM THATWE'RE FINALLY DROPPING BOMBS, IF

I WERE IN CHARGE, I'D MAKE IT ALITTLE BOMBIER.

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

>> THIS IS PART OF THE BOMBDAMAGE ASSESSMENT.

THERE YOU SEE THE PICTURE BEFOREOF A FACILITY, AND THEN AFTER,

AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

>> YOU ALMOST HAVE TO LOOKTWICE.

>> YOU HAVE TO LOOK TWICE.

THEY BLEW UP HALF THE BUILDINGWHERE MOST OF THE

TELECOMMUNICATIONS EQUIPMENTWAS.

>> THAT'S JUST IT.

WHY DIDN'T THEY BLOW UP THEWHOLE BUILDING.

ESSENTIALLY, THEY KNOCKED OUTCABLE TV FOR THAT BUILDING.

>> WHY DIDN'T THEY BLOW UP THEWHOLE THING.

ALL THE AIRSTRIKES ARE DOING ISKNOCKING OUT ISIS'S CABLE.

THOUGH THEY WILL BE SUCKED INTOA QUAGMIRE WITH A SOULLESS

ENEMY.

THAT'S AGAINST THE GENEVACONVENTION.

PLUS, MISSILES AREN'T ENOUGHHERE.

WE NEED BOOTS ON THE GROUND, YETOBAMA REFUSES TO SEND TROOPS ON

THE FLIMSY EXCUSE THAT NO ONE INTHE WORLD THINKS THAT'S A GOOD

IDEA.

FORTUNATELY, THERE'S A NEW PLANFROM AMERICA'S GREATEST MILITARY

MIND.

>> WE NEED A WORLDWIDE STRIKEFORCE TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE

HOT SPOTS IN THE WORLD ANDCONFRONT ISLAMIC TERRORISM,

JIHADDISTS ON THE GROUND.

WE NEED THAT.

BUT WHY SHOULD THE UNITEDSTATES HAVE TO PROTECT THE WHOLE

WORLD?

SO MY IDEA IS TO RAISE A FORCEOF 25,000 MERCENARIES,

WELL PAID. IF YOU DON'T PAY, YOUDON'T GET ANY PROTECTION.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANYMILITARY PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME

GOING, "THAT'S A GREAT IDEA."

>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T BELIEVE HIM.

AND YOU KNOW, FOLKS, THESEMERCENARIES WILL BE GOOD GUYS

BECAUSE ONLY THE BEST PEOPLEKILL WHOEVER YOU WANT FOR CASH.

IT'S QUALITY FOLKS LIKE I'MSAYING.

UNLIKE THOSE SUCKERS WHO DO ITFOR LOVE OF COUNTRY.

BUT, SADLY, NOT EVERYONE ISSEEING EYE TO EYE WITH PAPA

BEAR, LIKE THE LEFTIES OVER ATFOX NEWS.

>> WITH YOUR IDEA, YOU'VE GONEFROM

OUT OF THE BOX TO OFF THE WALL.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE RUNNINGAROUND THE WORLD, RESPONSIBLE

FOR A BAND OF DESPERADOES?

>> IT COULD TURN INTO AFRANKENSTEIN FORCE THAT YOU

CAN'T CONTROL WITH UNINTENDEDCONSEQUENCES.

>> THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA, ATERRIBLE IDEA, NOT JUST AS

A PRACTICAL MATTER BUT AS AMORAL MATTER.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO SOLVE THISPROBLEM BY CREATING AN ARMY OF

MARVEL AVENGERS OR THE GUARDIANSOF THE GALAXY.

>> Stephen: OH, COME ON!

PLEASE.

BILL'S PLAN ISN'T LIKE THEAVENGERS OR GUARDIANS OF THE

GALAXY.

THEY'D BE AN ELITE TEAM OF PROSPUTTING THEIR CONSCIENCES ASIDE

TO DISH OUT VIOLENCE FOR BIGMONEY.

SO IT'S LIKE THE NFL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BUT AS LONG AS WE'RE DRAFTING

OUR TEAMS IN BILL'S FANTASYWARFARE LEAGUE, FOLKS, I'VE GOT

MY OWN PLANS FOR AN ELITE STRIKEFORCE THAT I DREW UP YEARS AGO,

IN MRS. TEMPLETON'S FOURTH GRADEENGLISH CLASS.

AND UNLIKE BILL'S PLAN, MINEDOESN'T NEED 25,000

MERCENAIRES-- JUST 10.

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALLMUTANT DOUBLE NINJA

SUPERSOLDIERS WITH LASERNUNCHUKS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT, ISIS DOESN'T STANDA CHANCE AGAINST

"STEVIE'S SOOPER SOLJER SQUAD."

THERE'S BRICK, SNAKE, TANK,SNAKE M., SNAKE R.

A LOT OF THEM ARE NAMED SNAKE SOONLY SNAKE DOESN'T HAVE TO USE

THE LAST INITIAL BECAUSE HESIGNED UP FIRST.

THESE GUYS ARE ALL PRIMED FORTHE KILL BECAUSE THEY WERE

FROZEN IN CRYOSTASIS RIGHT AFTERTHEY SAW THEIR DOG KILLED.

WHICH MEANS WHEN THEYTHAW OUT THEY'RE LIKE

"NOOOOO!"KARATE CHOP!

KARATE CHOP!

PEW PEW PEW!

BACKFLIP!

LAND ON A SKATEBOARD!

PUNCH A DINOSAUR!

AND THIS PART IS IMPORTANT--THEY GET TO STAY UP AS LATE AS

THEY WANT, AND THE ONLY PERSONTHEY ANSWER TO

IS THE CONTESSA.

SHE'S FIRM BUT FAIR.

AND THAT BLACK LEATHER JUMPSUITIS JUST BARELY KEEPING IT ALL IN

THERE FOR MRS. TEMPLETON-- IMEAN THE CONTESSA!

SO LISTEN UP, BILL.

BECAUSE AS LONG AS WE'REPRETENDING THERE'S A WAY TO

FIGHT A WAR THAT DOESN'TINVOLVE SACRIFICE AND THAT THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE AND POLITICIANSDON'T HAVE TO FEEL ANY

RESPONSIBILITY FOR, WE SHOULDTHINK BIGGER.

LIKE MAYBE MY INVISIBLE BOMBTHAT BLOWS UP ONLY BAD GUYS.

BILL, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOWMANY MILITARY PEOPLE ARE CALLING

ME AND SAYING THAT'S JUST ASGOOD AS YOUR IDEA.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IT ISNEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE

THE TRUE HORRORS OF WAR.

SO INSTEAD, LET'S LOOK ON THELIGHTER SIDE OF ARIAL

BOMBARDMENT IN TONIGHT'S SMILEFILE OF DEATH.

♪ ♪HA-HA-HA!

TONIGHT, THE STORY SLAPPING AGRIN ON MY SKULL IS ABOUT OUR

ARAB ALLIES IN THE WAR ONTERROR.

YOU ARE ALL BRAVE MEN, WITH ONEEXCEPTION.

>> WE LEARNED TODAY ONE OF THEPILOTS IN THE OPERATION AGAINST

ISIS IS A WOMAN FROM THE UNITEDARAB EMIRATES.

MAYOR MARIAM AL-MANSOURI FLIESAN F-16.

>> SHE IS THE FIRST FIGHTERPILOT IN THE UNITED ARAB

EMIRATES.

SHE FLIES AN F-16 AND IS AU.A.E. TEAM LEADER.

>> Stephen: YES, A FEMALEFIGHTER PILOT FLYING

AIRSTRIKES FOR THE U.A.E.

SHE HAS SHATTERED THE GLASSCEILING.

AND THE REST OF THE BUILDING ASWELL.

FOLKS, I'M THRILLED ABOUT THISLADY PILOT-- OR PIL-ETTE--

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN A LONGTIMESUPPORTER OF WOMEN'S EQUAL RIGHT

TO FIGHT IN WARS INSTEAD OF ME.

( LAUGHTER )AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

>> HEY ISIS, YOU WERE BOMBED BYA WOMAN.

OH YEAH.

I HOPE THAT HURT EXTRA BAD FROMYOU BECAUSE IN SOME ARAB

COUNTRIES, WOMEN CAN'T EVENDRIVE.

>> Stephen: YEAH!

THAT'S WHAT I CALL PROGRESS FORWOMEN!

ANY NOTHING, BUT NOTHING, ISGONNA ROLL THAT PROGRESS BACK

>> I HOPE THAT HURTEXTRA BAD FROM YOU BECAUSE IN

SOME ARAB COUNTRIES, WOMEN CAN'TEVEN DRIVE.

>> PROBLEM IS, AFTER SHE BOMBEDIT, SHE COULDN'T PARK IT.

>> I SALUTE HER.

>> WOULD THAT BE CONSIDEREDBOOBS ON THE GROUND, OR NO?

>> OH!

>> Stephen: WOW!

WOW!

I MEAN, HOW, HOW IGNORANT.

HOW IGNORANT CAN YOU?

BOOBS ON THE GROUND?

THIS MARIAM AL-MANSOURI WOMAN'SA FIGHTER PILOT.

SHOW SOME RESPECT.

IT'S CLEARLY A "PAIR IN THEAIR."

FOLKS, I WANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUTSOMETHING-- I THINK THERE'S

NOTHING WRONG WITHREFERRING TO SOMEBODY BY THEIR

NAUGHTY PARTS.

THAT'S WHERE I AGREE WITH THE[BLEEP] ON FOX.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )LIKE THEM, I SALUTE MAYOR

AL-MANSOURI AND HER TOP GUNS.

THOSE SWEATER MISSLES ARE LOCKEDAND LOADED.

SO ISIS, BRACE YOURSELF FORSHOCK AND "AWWW-YEAH."

THERE'S A RACK OVER IRAQ ANDYOU HAVEN'T SEEN WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION LIKE THIS PAIR OFABU DOUBLE DHABIS.

BECAUSE MAJOR AL-MANSOURI ISFIGHTING ISIS AND THEIR

OPPRESSIVE, NARROW-MINDEDVIEW OF WOMEN, WHICH SHOULD

BRING HOPE TO ALL OTHERINTELLIGENT, CAPABLE WOMEN WHO

RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT ARESUFFERING HALF WAY AROUND THE

WORLD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS APSYCHOLOGIST WHOSE NEW BOOK SAYS

DELAYED GRATIFICATIONLEADS TO MORE SUCCESS IN LIFE.

SO IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GOPLACES, YOU'LL WAIT FOR

THE PAPERBACK.

PLEASE WELCOME WALTERMISCHEL!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE.

IS IT DR. MISCHEL?

>> WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

>> OH, NO, WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

>> MY NAME IS WALTER.

>> Stephen: IT'S JUST WALTER.

WALTER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORBEING HERE.

YOU HOLD THE ROBERT JOHNSONNIVEN CHAIR AS PROFESSOR OF

PSYCHOLOGY AT COLUMBIAUNIVERSITY.

YOU'RE AN EGG HEAD IN MORETHAN ONE WAY.

YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED TO THENATIONAL ACADEMY OF SCIENCES,

THE AMERICAN ACADEMY OF ARTS ANDSCIENCES WON THE CONTRIBUTION

AWARD BY THE AMERICANPSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION.

AND YOUR BOOK IS, "THEMARSHMALLOW TEST-- MASTERING

SELF-CONTROL."

THIS TITLE HAS SO MANY THINGS ILIKE "MYSELF, CONTROL, AND

MARSHMALLOWS."

EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE OUT THEREMARSHMALLOW TEST.

WHEN DID YOU HOLD THESE TESTS?

>> MOST OF THE WORK WAS BEGUN INTHE MIDDLE 60s, 1960s.

AND THEN IT CONTINUED ANDCONTINUED AND CONTINUED, AND

IT'S STILL ONGOING NOW.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT'S THETEST?

>> THE TEST ACTUALLY-- YOU'VEGOT SOME-- YOU WANT-- AND I --

>> Stephen: I'LL GO WITHMINE.

I'LL GO WITH MINE.

THESE ARE PINK.

>> THEY'RE PINK FROM PARIS.

>> Stephen: OR PARIS.

LET'S DO THE PARIS PINK ONES.

WE HAVE THREE MASH MALOZE HERE.

HOW DOES THE TEST WORK.

>> IT WORKS LIKE THIS.

IF I'M THE CHILD -->> Stephen: I'LL THE THE

CHILD.

>> YOU'RE THE CHILD.

TWO HERE, ONE HERE.

NOW, THERE'S ALSO A BELL OVERHERE THAT YOU CAN RING.

>> Stephen: I RING IT OR YOURING IT?

>> YOU RING IT.

>> Stephen: DING.

>> I COME RIGHT BACK INTO THEROOM.

RING IT AGAIN.

>> Stephen: DING.

>> I COME BACK INTO THE ROOM.

NOW YOU CAN BELIEVE I'LL REALLYCOME BACK INTO THE ROOM.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

>> YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE ANDTIME YOU WANT.

OKAY?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> YOU'RE DONE.

>> Stephen: DIWIN?

DID I WIN.

>> YOU GOT YOUR ONE.

BUT THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GETTHOSE TWO.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )>> Stephen: ANOTHER SO MY

UNDERSTANDING IS, MYUNDERSTANDING IS YOU THINK THAT

ONE WHO DOESN'T EAT THEMARSHMALLOW FIRST, YOU FOUND

WERE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE?

>> THE LONGER KIDS WAITED TO GETTHE TWO, THE LONGER THEY WAITED,

ON THE WHOLE, GENERALLY, THEMORE SUCCESSFUL THEIR LIVES

TURNED OUT TO BE IF THEY WERECONSISTENT IN HOW THEY CONTINUED

IN SELF-CONTROL OVER THE LIFECOURSE.

>> Stephen: SO DELAYEDGRATIFICATION, SAYING WAIT AND

YOU'LL GET TWO, IN WHAT OTHERPLACE, OTHER THAN EATING

MARSHMALLOWS, DOES THAT COME INHANDY.

>> IT COMES IN HANDY, FOREXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE TO START

DELAYING GRATIFICATION BECAUSEYOU CAN'T EAT THE MARSHMALLOWS,

BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A CLASSROOM,AND YOU'RE TRYING TO CONCENTRATE

ON WHAT THE TEACHER IS SAYING.

SO WHAT WE FOUND IS THAT OVERTHE YEARS, TO OUR SURPRISE-- I

MEAN, WE WEREN'T PREDICTING IT--THAT LENGTH OF TIME KIDS WAIT IS

RELATED, FOR EXAMPLE, TO WHATTHEIR BODY WEIGHT IS, WHAT THEIR

BODY WEIGHT INDEX IS, THEIR BODYMASS INDEX IS BY THE TIME

THEY'RE 32.

IT'S RELATED HOW WELL THEYPURSUE THEIR GOALS, HOW

EFFECTIVE THEY ARE AT WORK.

IT'S RELATED TO ALL KIND OFTHINGS, INCLUDING S.A.T. SCORES,

WHEN THEY'RE ADOLESCENT.

>> Stephen: DO WE EVEN NEEDTHE S.A.T.s ANYMORE IF WE HAVE

THE MARSHMALLOW TESTS.

WE GET ALL THE KIDS IN THE ROOM,THE KID WHO WAITS FOR THE TWO

MARSHMALLOWS, RIGHT TO THE IVYLEAGUE.

>> THERE ARE A FEW STEPS INBETWEEN.

BUT THERE'S NO QUESTION THATBEING ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU DIDN'T

DO--( LAUGHTER )

IS-- IS SOMETHING THAT CAN BEVERY, VERY USEFUL FOR YOU

BECAUSE WHAT IT'S SAYING TO USIS THAT YOU ACTUALLY WERE ABLE

TO KEEP A GOAL IN MIND-- I WANTTHE TWO-- YOU WERE ABLE TO

INHIBIT INTERFERING RESPONSESLIKE SHOVING IT RIGHT IN YOUR

MOUTH.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: SO GOOD, THOUGH,THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

>> YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERYSPECIAL.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

>> AND YOU'RE ABLE TO USE YOURATTENTION, WHICH YOU DIDN'T DO--

( LAUGHTER )IN A WAY THAT LETS YOU ACTUALLY

NOT GOBBLE THE MARSHMALLOW ANDKEEP ON GOING.

THAT'S A VERY FUNDAMENTAL SKILL.

IT NOW HAS A FANCY NAME.

IT'S CALLED EXECUTIVE CONTROL.

>> Stephen: THESE ARE VERYGOOD MARSHMALLOWS.

>> THEY'RE VERY SPECIAL.

>> Stephen: WERE THEY THISGOOD BACK IN THE 60s, BECAUSE

I KNOW MARSHMALLOWTECHNOLOGIES-- EVERY 18 MONTHS

THE STORAGE CAPACITY OF AMARSHMALLOW DOUBLES.

I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED S'MORESLAW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

DO YOU NOT WANT ONE?

>> NO, I DON'T YOU.

>> Stephen: DON'T WANT ONE?

>> I ACTUALLY DON'T LIKE THETHINGS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WALTER, WALTERMISCHEL, THE MARSHMALLOW TEST.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

GOODNIGHT