Tuesday, December 9, 2014

  • 12/09/2014

Rhys Darby, Al Madrigal and Jim Jefferies come up with sexting acronyms for teens to use, list #BookSequels and fill in the blanks in esoteric Gary Busey tweets.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

CNN, THE WORLDWIDE LEADER INNEWS, HAS JUST BLOWN THE LID,

FINALLY, OFF HASHTAG TEENHASHTAG SEXTING.

THEY -- YEAH.

THEY'RE ON IT. THEY'RE SO ON IT.

ALSO, WHAT HAPPENED TO FAXMACHINES? NEXT ON CNN.

THEY STOPPED EVERYTHING DURING APARTICULARLY SLOW NEWS CYCLE

TO BRING US 28 INTERNETACRONYMS EVERY PARENT SHOULD

KNOW.

TAKE IT AWAY, CLIP.

>> ALL RIGHT. IWS, I WANT SEX.

GNOC, GET NAKED ON CAMERA.

GYPO, GET YOUR PANTS OFF.

>> CHRIS: WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,WE SAID, I WANT SEX PLEASE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ROMANCE YOULITTLE MILLENNIAL ( BLEEP )?

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ONETEEN SEXT SLAND ACRONYM THAT

CNN MAY HAVE MISSED.

RHYS DARBY.

>> WHAT ACRONYM WAS THAT?

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: YOU SEE HERE, "IWS.">> ALL RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: THEY'RE LETTERS STANDFOR A SERIES OF WORDS, LIKE I

WANT SEX.

>> OKAY, LIKE, L.A.P.D.

>> CHRIS: WELL-- YES.

YEAH, I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, THATIS AN ACRONYM.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S REALLY ASEXTING ACRONYM.

>> LEAVE MY ASS. PLAY WITH MYDICK.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OKAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: JIM.

>> K.K.K.-- MEANS I WANT TO HAVESEX WITH MY SISTER.

IT'S NOT EXACT -- TRANSLATION.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, IT DOESN'TREALLY-- IT'S SORT OF A

ROUND-ABOUT.

>> NOW I'M CONFUSED AGAIN ABOUTACRONYMS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POP QUIZ,WHAT'S THE WUSSIEST THING TO

HAPPEN WITH SNAKES THIS WEEK.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.THIS THIS GUY BEING FAKE EATEN

BY AN ANACONDA ON BASIC CABLE.

THAT WAS A CLIP FROM DISCOVERY'SNOT REALLY EATEN ALIVE.

BUT AT A TIM HORTON INSASKATOON, SASKATCHEWAN -- AN

ESTABLISHMENT THAT IS SOCANADIAN THEY HAVE A NONE

SMOKING SECTION AND SOORRY FORNOT SMOKING SECTION --

A MAN GOING TO IN AN ARGUMENTWITH AN EMPLOYEE AND PRODUCED A

GARDENER SNAKE FROM HIS POCKETAND THREW IT BEHIND THE COUNTER.

DISCOVERY CHANNEL PLANS TO TURNIT THIS INTO AN ANTICLIMACTIC

THREE-HOUR LIVE TELEVISIONEVENT.

COMEDIANS, HAT DO YOU THINK THEMADMAN SAID WHEN HE THREW

THE SNAKE.

RHYS.

>> HASYD.

>> CHRIS: YOU KNOW, THAT WAS --

>> ARE WE STILL DOING ACRONYMS?

>> CHRIS: NO, TECHNICALLY NO,WE'RE NOT.

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHATTHAT STANDS FOR.

( LAUGHTER )

>> I HAVE A SNAKE, YOU DICK.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YEAH.

IT WORKS.

IT WORKS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AS I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW, ONTHIS DAY IN 1884, "ADVENTURES

OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN" BY MARKTWAIN WAS FIRST PUBLISHED.

IT'S ONE OF THE FIRST AMERICANNOVELS TO BE WRITTEN IN A

REGIONAL DIALECT, WHICH MEANSTHAT IT HAS MORE "N" WORDS THAN

A PAULA DEEN COOKBOOK.

( LAUGHTER )

I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALSO THE FAMOUS BESTSELLINGSEQUEL TO "ADVENTURES OF TOM

SAWYER."

SO COMEDIANS, IN HONOR OF THECELEBRATED SEQUEL TO "ADVENTURES

OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN," TONIGHT'SHASH TAG IS BOOK SEQUELS.

BOOK SEQUELS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE PORTRAIT OFARTIST'S MID-LIFE CRISIS.

1985.

OR 2 WAR, 2 PEACE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, AL MADRIGAL.

>> HITCH HIKER'S GUIDE TOBEING IN A SHALLOW GRAVE OUTSIDE

NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. POINTS.JIM JEFFERIES.

>> MEIN KAMPF 2: AND HERE'S WHATI THINK ABOUT ASIANS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS:POINTS.

RHYS.

>> JEKYLL AND HYDE TWO: LET'STALK ABOUT BIPOLAR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

RHYS.

>> OLIVER TWIST ENDING.

>> CHRIS: OH!

POINTS.

AL.

>> 7 EXCUSES OF HIGHLYSUCCESSFUL FAILURES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JIM.

>> THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK TWO:STILL HIDING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

RHYS.

>> ANOTHER ONE'S COME OUT BY IANFLEMING --

YOU ONLY LIVE THRICE.

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, COME ON, COMEON!

POINTS.

>> TWICE, THRICE.

>> CHRIS: THANK YOU FOREXPLAINING THAT.

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYOH SAY CAN BUSEY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

OH SAY CAN BUSEY.

SLANDER AND LIBEL LAWS ARESTRICT IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT I

CAN SAY THE FOLLOWING CONFIDENTNO COURT WOULD EVER CONVICT ME--

GARY BUSEY IS A ( BLEEP )LUNATIC.

IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE!

AND HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT IS JUSTMORE SUPPORTING EVIDENCE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU APORTION FROM THE REAL TWEET

FROM @THEGARYBUSEY, AND FOR 250POINTS, YOU NEED TO FILL IN THE

BLANK.

WE TRIED TO GET THE BUSE TO COMEON AND READ THE TWEETS, BUT HIS

MANAGER SAID HE WAS TIED UPCHUGGING SNAKE VENOM AND

THROWING TRASH AT THE MOON.

BUT WE DID THE NEXT BEST THING,LIVE FROM A BUNKER IN AN

UNDISLOWSED LOCATION, GARYBUSEY'S ACTUAL BROTHER, LARRY

BUSEY.

>> WE'RE LIVE NOW, CHRISHARDWICK.

IT'S ME, LARRY BUSEY.

IT IS AN HONOR TO SERVE WITH YOUON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT ISDEFINITELY GARY BUSEY'S BROTHER.

FIRST ONE, BLANK CAME TO SEE HOWI WAS DOING TODAY.

BLANK CAME TO SEE HOW I WASDOING TODAY.

AL.

>> FUTURE BUSEY, EMPEROR OF THEPSYCHE WARD.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

POINTS FOR THAT.

RHYS.

>> THE BLOKE I KILLED LAST WEEK.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THE ACTUALANSWER WAS.

>> SILVER BACKED WHALES WITHHIGH OCEAN SPRAY CAME TO SEE HOW

I WAS DOING TODAY.

HI, SWEETHEART.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, PLANET EARTHIS THE ONLY BLANK.

PLANET EARTH IS THE ONLYBLANK, JIM.

>> PLANET EARTH IS THE ONLYPLACE THAT WON'T TAKE MY CHECKS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINT.

( APPLAUSE )

THE CORRECT BUSEY-ISM IS...

( LAUGHTER )

>> PLANET EARTH IS THE ONLYVACATION SPOT FOR ADVANCED

CLOWNS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THE SUNSETTING OVER THE OCEAN MAKES

BLANK.

JIM.

>> THE SKY DARK.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: THAT IS WAY TOOCOHERENT A THOUGHT, BUT I'LL

GIVE YOU POINTS FOR IT.

IT'S SO HARD TO OUT-WEIRD HIM.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THE SUN SETTING OVER THEOCEAN MAKES AN EXCLAMATION MARK

IN REVERSE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: IT DOES.

>> IT REALLY DOES.

>> CHRIS: WELCOME BACK TO"@MIDNIGHT."

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT HOW AUSTRALIAIAN EMBASSIES

HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITHWEIRD REQUESTS FROM ITS CITIZENS

AND I ASKED YOU TO PUT ON YOURAMBASSADOR FLIP FLOPS AND GIVE

ME A LINE A LETTER TURNING DOWNA TYPICAL ASSIE EMBASSY

REQUESTS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE. JIMJEFFERIES, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> SIR, IT MAKES YOU DIFFERENCETHAT YOU WON AN OSCAR FOR

"GLADIATOR."

YOU ARE STILL REQUIRED TO PAYTHE $14 IN DAMAGES FOR WHAT YOU

THREW AT OUR RECEPTIONIST.

WHAT YOU DO IN THIS LEIFE ECHOSIN ETERNITY."

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

AGAIN, THAT'S VERY GENERAL.

THAT COULD BE ABOUT ANYONE.

( LAUGHTER )

AL?

>> DEAR MR. JEFFERIES, WE REGRETTO INFORM YOU THAT THERE IS

NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THECANCELLATION OF YOUR FX SHOW,

LEGIT.

BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'REREALLY A CANADIAN.

>> CHRIS: OH, SO GOOD.

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: RHYS. RHYS DARBY.

>> OEH.

THANKS FOR YOUR INQUIRY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A EMPTY WHILE YOUGOOGLE WORD "INQUIRY."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T READ?

WELL, THIS LETTER IS A WASTE OFTIME.

HAVE SOMEONE TELL YOU I'M KEENFOR A SURF AFTER LUNCH IF YOU

HAVEN'T BEEN DEPORTED, DICKHEAD.

AS WE JUMP OUR NEXT GAME,SHOE HORNY GRANDPA.

SHOE HORNY GRANDPA.

THIS LINGUISTICALLY NAIVE E-MAILFROM A GIRL'S RUSSIAN GRANDPA

HAB MAKING THE REDDIT ROUNDS ANDIT READS, "NEED ANSWER TODAY,

SOON AS POSSIBLE.

HELLO, GIRLS, DO YOU HAVE INYOUR HOME LONG METAL SPOON FOR

BETTER PUT SHOES ON FOOT, THANKYOU.

GOOD LUCK TODAY AND EVERY DAY."

( LAUGHTER )

THIS IS A ( BLEEP ) ACCENT SHOW.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOSEND AS MANY URGENT REQUESTS FOR

COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEMS FOR THISBEWILDERED COMMY GRANDPA AS YOU

CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

AL?

>> DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HOME BLUECANDY FOR MAKING WEINER

VODKA-PROOF?

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JIMJEFFEREIES.

>> DO YOU HAVE TINY HAIR CRUSHFOR RUBBING ON TEETH?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

RHYS.

>> DO YOU HAVE TINY TABLE THATGOES ON TOP OF BIG TABLE?

WHAT YOU PUT DRINK ON SO NOTSTAIN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

AL.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHERE IS THINGSTHAT MAKES TOAST?

WHAT CALLED?

I THINK GRANDMA.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. JIMJEFFEREIES.

>> DO YOU HAVE PLUTONIUM.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, JIMJEFFERIES.

RHYS DARBY.

>> DO YOU HAVE NEW TAPES ON HOWTO DO A RUSSIAN ACCENT?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.