Nick Cannon: Mr. Showbiz

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 02/18/2012

Nick Cannon explains why he loves 80s breakdancing movies, shares his Barack Obama imitation and admits that his life is like a great game of M.A.S.H.

>> WE GOT TO LOOSEN UP.

WE GOT TO LAUGH A LITTLE BIT.

MATTER OF FACT, WITH, LIKE, THE

WHOLE "N" WORD THING.

ARE WE OVER THAT YET?

WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "YEAH."

[bleep] ARE LIKE, "HELL, NO."

"SHOOT, I'M STILL LOOKING FOR

MEL GIBSON'S ASS.

GOT RID OF ALL MY LETHAL WEAPON

TAPES."

TELLING YOU, MAN, IF YOU WANT MY

OPINION, THOUGH, HONESTLY, I

THINK WE GIVE THAT WORD TOO MUCH

POWER.

I DO.

OF COURSE, IT HAS A LOT OF

NEGATIVITY BEHIND IT.

BUT IT HAS SEPARATED US FOR FAR

TOO LONG, Y'ALL.

WE JUST GOT TO LET IT GO.

SO WHAT?

IT'S A WORD.

DON'T GIVE THAT WORD THAT MUCH

POWER.

YOU DAMN RIGHT, I SAY IT.

YEAH, I SAY IT.

JUST TO MAKE WHITE PEOPLE

UNCOMFORTABLE.

WATCH THIS.

[bleep].

"OH, GOD, HE DOES NOT DO THAT ON

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT."

NO, I DO SAY IT.

YOU KNOW WHY I SAY IT?

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE, I KNOW

Y'ALL STILL SAY IT.

I BE SEEING Y'ALL IN Y'ALL CARS.

OH, YEAH, I BE CUTTING Y'ALL OFF

JUST TO SEE IF YOU GONNA SAY IT.

"N-N-NI--

N-N-N-N-NI--

CAN'T SAY IT ANYMORE."

SO WHAT, MAN?

IT'S A WORD.

LET IT GO.

SAY IT.

I DON'T CARE.

THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT.

HE DOES; THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

YOU GO DOWNLOAD HIS FIRST BOOK,

DREAMS FROM MY FATHER.

AT THE 1 HOUR AND 56 MINUTE

MARK, HE USES THE WORD [bleep].

AND HE GONNA USE IT AGAIN, Y'ALL

KEEP MESSING WITH HIM.

OH, YEAH.

SHOOT, IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF

THEM PRESS CONFERENCES.

PRESIDENT GONNA COME OUT ALL

SMOOTH LIKE HE NORMALLY DOES.

"UH, LET'S BE CLEAR.

WE WILL RECOVER.

WE WILL REBUILD."

ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEBODY GONNA

THROW A SHOE LIKE THEY DID AT

GEORGE BUSH.

[makes whooshing sound]

"[bleep]!

LET'S BOOGIE!

REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT NONE OF

THIS SHIT."

[laughs]

>> CAN I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF REAL

QUICK, Y'ALL?

[women screaming]

OH.

OH, DON'T BE TRYING TO SCREAM AT

ME LIKE I GOT SOMETHING SEXY ON

ME.

I GOT SOMETHING?

GET IT OFF ME; GET IT OFF ME.

NO, SEE, SEE, I'M TRYING,

THOUGH, Y'ALL,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL

SEEN ME A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

BUT THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT.

I USED TO BE SKINNY.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEE--

SHOOT, THIS USED TO BE ME.

WELCOME TO WILD 'N OUT.

THAT WAS ME FOR REAL.

TELLING YOU, MAN.

WE GOT ANY DRUNK WHITE DUDES IN

HERE TONIGHT?

SEE, Y'ALL KNOW--

I'M TELLING YOU.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

DRUNK WHITE DUDES, THEY GOT A

CALL, Y'ALL,

TO LET OTHER DRUNK WHITE DUDES

KNOW THAT THEY IN THE VICINITY.

Y'ALL EVER HEARD IT?

>> WHOO!

>> WHOO!

YOU KNOW, IT DON'T MATTER WHERE

YOU AT; YOU COULD BE IN A CLUB

DANCING.

[mimics dance music]

WHOO!

GET YOUR SHIT.

'CAUSE THE DRUNK WHITE DUDES

HAVE OFFICIALLY TAKEN OVER THE

PARTY.

OH, AND DRUNK WHITE DUDES, I GOT

TO GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU GUYS KNOW

HOW TO HAVE ONE HELL OF A TIME.

OH, YEAH, I LOVE Y'ALL.

THEY DO, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

DRUNK WHITE DUDES, THEY ARE

EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE

BUT STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING ALL

AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

THEY COME UP TO YOU.

THEY DON'T CARE.

THEY AIN'T SCARED OF BLACK

PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT

THE BOUNCERS.

THEY'LL COME STRAIGHT UP TO YOU.

"BRO, BRO, BRO."

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL THEY

FEEL LIKE THEY CAN CALL US "BRO"

ALL THE DAMN TIME TOO.

"HEY, BRO, BRO.

NO, MAN, I'M COOL, BRO.

SOULJA BOY, I'M COOL, BRO.

BRO, DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT

YOUR CIPHER WITH YOUR POSSE,

BRO, BUT MY GIRL THINKS

YOU'RE NICK CANNON.

NO WAY!

NO, LIKE, NICK, NICK, NICK,

NICK, NICK, NICK, NICK, NICK,

THAT NICK CANNON?

OH, YOU SUCK, BRO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I THINK YOU'RE

FREAKING ANNOYING, BUT MY GIRL

LOVES YOU, MAN.

MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU

TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER?

COME ON, MAN, DON'T BE SUCH A

LAME-ASS.

YOU'RE NOT THAT FREAKIN' FAMOUS.

COME ON!

CAITLYN, NICK CANNON.

NICK CANNON, CAITLYN.

PRETTY HOT, DON'T YOU THINK,

BRO?

GO AHEAD, TOUCH HER BOOBS!"

LIKE, STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING.

LIKE, "AH, BRO, WHAT'S MINE IS

YOURS, MAN.

COME ON, PARTY WITH US, MAN.

WHAT YOU DRINKING?

WE'RE DRINKING JAGER BOMBS!"

BE LIKE, "NAH, MAN, I'M COOL,

MAN.

I DON'T DRINK."

"WHAT YOU MEAN, MAN?

WE'RE IN A NIGHTCLUB.

WE'RE TAKING THEM BACK.

WE'RE GETTING SHIT-FACED.

WHOO!"

LIKE, "YEAH, I DON'T DRINK

ALCOHOL, MAN."

"DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL?"

"NO."

"OH, WHAT, MARIAH DOESN'T LET

YOU DRINK, BRO?

PUSS."

AND Y'ALL GOT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO

ME.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT DRUNK WHITE

DUDES?

THE DRUNKER THEY GET,

THE MORE EMOTIONAL THEY BECOME.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "BRO.

[wails]

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GONNA BE

THIS FREAKING COOL, MAN.

YEAH, 'CAUSE I WAS GONNA COME

OVER HERE AND SAY SOME REALLY

HARSH STUFF TO YOU, BRO.

[wails]

SO THIS HURTS MY HEART TO SAY

THIS.

BUT YOU KNOW THAT SHOW YOU'RE

ON, AMERICA'S GOT TALENT?

WELL, YOU DON'T GOT TALENT, BRO.

YOU'RE JUST NOT FUNNY.

I'M FUNNIER THAN YOU ARE.

MATTER OF FACT, WANT TO HEAR A

BLACK JOKE?"

I'M LIKE, "UH, LUCAS, I DON'T

KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT I'M BLACK."

"OH, DON'T WORRY, BRO.

I'LL SAY IT SLOW.

NO, NO, IT'S A GREAT JOKE.

SOME OF YOU GUYS PROBABLY HEARD

THIS ONE.

HERE IT IS, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE WORD THAT STARTS WITH

'N' AND ENDS WITH 'R' THAT YOU

NEVER WANT TO CALL A BLACK

PERSON?

NEIGHBOR, HUH?"

TODD, YOU ARE LAUGHING ENTIRELY

TOO HARD AT THAT JOKE.

CAN WE GET OVER THIS RACISM

STUFF?

PLEASE!

IT'S DONE.

WE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MELTING

POT OF AMERICA.

WE ALL GONNA BE BEIGE SOON ANY

DAMN WAY.

WE SHOULD END IT.

MATTER OF FACT, WE CAN END IT

RIGHT HERE TONIGHT.

IT'LL BE HISTORICAL.

Y'ALL WANT TO END RACISM

TONIGHT?

LAS VEGAS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO

END RACISM?

TAMMY AND TODD...

YOU BETTER ANSWER THIS SHIT

RIGHT.

THEM BLACK PEOPLE OVER THERE ARE

LIKE, "HEY-DE-HEY."

TODD, DO YOU WANT TO END RACISM?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> HE ANSWERED THAT QUICK AS

HELL, RIGHT?

"ABSOLUTELY!"

IT'S SIMPLE, MAN.

IT COULD BE A HISTORIC NIGHT.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS ONE THING,

TODD.

LET ME HAVE YOUR WIFE.

HE'S LIKE, "GO AHEAD.

I'LL TRADE YOU."

BE WIFE SWAP LIKE A MUG, RIGHT?

NO, I'M PLAYING.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, ALL SERIOUS,

YOU ONLY GOT TO DO ONE THING,

MAN.

STAND UP, TODD.

STAND UP, MAN.

GIVE ME A HUG, TODD.

COME HERE, MAN.

OH, NO, GET OFF ME.

[bleep], GET OFF ME.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR TODD.

TODD AND TAMMY FOR BEING SUCH

GOOD SPORTS.

I APPRECIATE Y'ALL.

REALLY, I DO,

BECAUSE I TRIED THAT SAME JOKE

LAST WEEK DOWN SOUTH.

THAT SHIT DID NOT WORK.

OH, NO, AW, MM-MM.

SHOOT, WHERE WAS I AT?

SHOOT A [bleep], TENNESSEE.

SHOOT A [bleep], CHATTANOOGA,

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IT WAS--IT WAS DANGEROUS.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW; IT WAS VERY--

IT WAS VERY DANGEROUS.

AND I WAS WORKING HARD TOO,

Y'ALL.

I WAS OUT THERE DOING ALL MY

IMPRESSIONS.

TRIED TO DO THE "HUG THE WHITE

GUY IN THE AUDIENCE" JOKE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE LIGHTS GO

OUT.

[makes whooshing sound]

YOU KNOW ME; I AIN'T BUT

A BUCK 65, BUT I JUMPED IN MY

KARATE STANCE.

I WAS--

I WAS FOCUSED.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

DUDE GOT UP IN THE BACKGROUND.

HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, THERE,

COLORED BOY UP THERE ON THE

STAGE FROM THAT MOVIE DRUMSTICK.

WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE FUNNY,

BOY.

COMING UP IN HERE DOING

IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE WE NEVER

HEARD OF.

WHO THE HELL IS KANYE TWITTY,

ANY DAMN WAY?

SHOOT, BOY, USUALLY WHEN YOUR

KIND COME AROUND HERE, WE'LL

HANG 'EM OUT BACK.

BUT, BOY, IF YOU CAN DO AN

IMPRESSION OF THE KING, SHOOT,

WE'LL LET YOU GO, AND YOU CAN

HAVE ALL THE WATERMELON AND

BARBECUE YOU WANT TO."

I WAS LIKE, "THE KING?

I CAN DO THE KING.

THE KING IS EASY."

HE'S LIKE, "GO ON, BOY,

DO THE KING."

SO I GOT UP THERE, AND I SAID,

"AND WE'LL SPEED UP THAT DAY

WHERE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN,

BLACK MEN, WHITE MEN, JEWS AND

GENTILES, PROTESTANTS AND

CATHOLICS WILL BE ABLE TO JOIN

HANDS AND SING THE WORDS OF THAT

OLD NEGRO SPIRITUAL:

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST,

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE...

>> audience: FREE AT LAST.

>> "THANK GOD ALMIGHTY," RIGHT?

HE WAS LIKE, "BOY, YOU KNOW THAT

AIN'T WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

NOT TALKIN' ABOUT YOUR MARCUS

LUTHER.

TALKIN' ABOUT THE REAL KING,

ELVIS A. PRESLEY."

I'M LIKE, "ELVIS?"

MAN, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T DO

ELVIS.

SO I'M GRABBING ALL MY STUFF,

TRYING KEEP MY DIGNITY,

GETTING READY TO LEAVE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR SOME

DOORS LOCK, LIKE--

[imitates lock clicking]

AND ONE OF THEM SAID,

"BUBBA, GET THE ROPE."

"I SAID I STOLE ROCK AND ROLL

FROM THE NEGRO.

A-THANK YOU.

A-THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

HEY, Y'ALL, THAT'S BEEN MY TIME!

LAS VEGAS!

SINCE WE MAKING WISHFUL REQUESTS

ABOUT MY CHILDREN, I'M GONNA

JUST GO AHEAD AND PUT IT OUT

THERE RIGHT NOW.

YO, I'MA TELL Y'ALL.

I MEAN, Y'ALL ARE THE FIRST

PEOPLE I'MA TELL.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE NONE OF THEM

LITTLE CELEBRITY KIDS.

I AIN'T GONNA FRONT.

I BELIEVE--YOU SEE THEM

CELEBRITIES BE PARADING THEY

KIDS AROUND ALL THE TIME?

BE PUTTING THEM IN ADS AND STUFF

LIKE THAT.

THEY SHOULD JUST LET KIDS BE

KIDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

RIGHT?

IS IT ME?

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THEM

CELEBRITIES, THEY DON'T EVEN BE

WITH THEY KIDS ALL THE TIME.

I CALL THEM "SOUVENIR BABIES."

THERE BE A KID THAT THEY DONE

PURCHASED WHILE THEY WAS OUT

TRAVELING THE WORLD.

LIKE, "HEY, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT

YOU BACK FROM MALAWI."

"THAT'S A BABY.

I HAD ASKED FOR A KEYCHAIN."

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE

INSENSITIVE.

I'M NOT, I'M REALLY NOT.

I BELIEVE ADOPTION IS A

BEAUTIFUL THING.

IT'S ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING

THINGS IN THE WORLD...

WHEN DONE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS,

BECAUSE, TO ME, THESE

CELEBRITIES, THEY JUST A LITTLE

EGOMANIACAL WITH IT, Y'ALL.

THEY TOO SELF-INDULGENT.

LIKE, "WE'RE SAVING THEM."

SAVING THEM FROM WHAT?

TO COME LIVE WITH YOUR

NARCISSISTIC ASS AND GO TO

CHURCH WITH TOM CRUISE?

HEY, I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES IN

SOMALIA, ALL RIGHT?

TELLING YOU, 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE

TO GET TOO DEEP.

HEY, LAST TIME I CHECKED, THE

13TH AMENDMENT OUTLAWED BUYING

AND SELLING PEOPLE.

RIGHT?

JUST SAYING, THAT'S WHAT THAT

IS.

AND IS IT JUST ME, OR DO BRAD

AND ANGELINA JUST LOOK LIKE SOME

SHOPAHOLICS?

OH, THEY STARTING THEY OWN

LITTLE SWEATSHOP, AIN'T THEY?

THEY GOT ONE OF EVERY KIND.

THEY FAMILY PHOTOS LOOK LIKE THE

COVER OF A SOCIAL STUDIES BOOK.

>> NO JOKE, Y'ALL, BECAUSE I GOT

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE, SHE IS

THE DEVIL REINCARNATED.

HER NAME IS JUICY.

YEAH, EXACTLY.

JUST DESTINED FOR THE STRIPPER

POLE, RIGHT?

WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA BE WITH A

NAME LIKE JUICY?

IT AIN'T GONNA BE

CONGRESSWOMAN JUICY.

GONNA BE, "COMING TO THE STAGE,

DOIN' SOMETHING STRANGE

FOR SOME CHANGE,

JUICY!"

AND SEE, THE FIRST PROBLEM IS,

HER MAMA NAMED HER JUICICA.

YEAH, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER.

THAT'S--

BUT SEE, SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO

CALL HER BY HER FULL NAME.

YOU LIKE, "HEY, JUICICA, HOW YOU

DOING?"

"MY NAME IS JUICY.

IT JUST COME OUT YOUR MOUTH

SO LOOSELY."

SAY, "YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD,

WHY YOU GOT LITTLE SLUT RHYMES?

AT FOUR?"

OH, Y'ALL SHOULD SEE HER TOO.

Y'ALL, I CAN'T STAND HER.

SHE'S STILL WEARING A DIAPER,

JUST BOWLEGGED AND PIGEON-TOED

ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

JUST HAIR FULL OF THEM LITTLE

PLASTIC BARRETTES, JUST HEAR HER

COMING.

JUST--

[mimics rattling sound]

SOUND LIKE A GHETTO RATTLESNAKE,

JUST--

[mimics rattling sound]

SHE JUST THINK SHE KNOW EVERY

DAMN THING.

YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM LITTLE

SMART-ALECK LITTLE KIDS, JUST

EVERYTHING'S, "MY MAMA SAID.

MY MAMA SAID."

MAN, DON'T NOBODY CARE ABOUT

WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID.

SHE ONLY 14.

[groans]

I CAN'T STAND JUICY.

AND THE FAMILY ALWAYS WANT TO

SEND JUICY TO COME ASK ME FOR

STUFF LIKE MONEY OR IF THEY NEED

SOMETHING.

AND THEY ALWAYS--COME SEND THIS

FOUR-YEAR-OLD WHO CAN'T EVEN

REALLY TALK GOOD...

UH, WELL...

CORRECTLY.

GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

SHUT UP.

NAH, BECAUSE SHE GOT THIS LITTLE

LISP, RIGHT?

'CAUSE SHE STILL SUCK HER THUMB.

AND THEN SHE WANT TO CALL ME BY

MY FULL NAME, LIKE SHE SEEN IT

ON TV, LIKE WE'RE NOT RELATED TO

EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING.

BE LIKE, "HEY, DICK CANNON,

MY MAMA SAID WE NEED A NEW

FRIGIDATOR."

LIKE, "FIRST OFF, JUICY, MY NAME

IS NICK, OKAY?

NICK, WITH A 'N,' WITH YOUR

LITTLE LISPY ASS.

NICK.

LIKE, "THAT'S WHAT I SAID,

DICK.

CORNY-ASS [bleep]."

CAN'T STAND JUICY!

[groans]

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE HER

NOWHERE.

CAN'T TAKE HER OUT IN PUBLIC,

'CAUSE HER LITTLE INNER STRIPPER

WANT TO COME OUT.

Y'ALL KNOW THEM TYPE OF KIDS I'M

TALKING ABOUT?

LITTLE KIDS THAT JUST LIKE TO

GET NAKED FOR NO REASON?

BE ALL IN THE GROCERY STORE,

JUST NAKED ALL AROUND THE

PRODUCE.

LIKE, WHAT IS THE--I DON'T

UNDERSTAND THAT.

LIKE, WE TRIED TO TAKE JUICY TO

CHURCH LAST EASTER.

OH, AND YOU BLACK FOLKS, YOU

KNOW WHEN WE GO TO CHURCH ON

EASTER, WE GO TO CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, WE GONNA GET NEW

OUTFITS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

GET YOUR HAIR DONE.

YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE KIDS BE ON

STAGE DOING THEY EASTER SPEECH.

HERE COME JUICY.

[mimics rattling sound]

[mimics rattling sound]

AND I GOT TO GIVE IT TO HER,

'CAUSE SHE STARTED OFF GREAT.

SHE CAME OUT THERE IN HER CUTE

LITTLE PINK DRESS.

SHE WAS LIKE,

"JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE

SEASON.

AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY?

SHE GOT MEATBALLS ON HER

TITTIES.

SCRAMBLED EGGS BETWEEN HER LEGS,

AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY?"

"GET YOUR BAD ASS OFF THE STAGE,

JUICY!"

DEACONS WAS TRYING TO TIP HER.

GET THE DOLLAR OUT HER DIAPER.

SHE'S ONLY FOUR.

[laughs]

I KNOW; WHY SHE STILL WEARING A

DIAPER?

THAT IS A SHAME.

MAN, I HOPE MY KIDS DON'T HANG

AROUND JUICY.

THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED, I TELL

YOU.

I MAKE FUN OF MY MOM, BUT

HONESTLY, I WOULDN'T BE STANDING

ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT IF IT

WASN'T FOR THE SACRIFICES THAT

MY MOTHER MADE, SO...

[applause]

SHE WORKED HARD.

SHE HAD ME WHILE SHE WAS STILL

IN SCHOOL,

WORKED SEVERAL JOBS WHILE

RAISING ME.

AND I KNOW IT WAS HARD RAISING

ME TOO, 'CAUSE I WAS BAD, Y'ALL.

I WAS A BAD KID.

REAL BAD.

SHOOT, SECOND GRADE, THEY

DIAGNOSED ME WITH A.D.D.

A.D.H.D., THE HIGH-DEF VERSION.

[laughs]

FOR REAL, I WAS BAD, Y'ALL.

I WAS JUST BAD FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, YOU GUYS WERE EVER BAD IN

SCHOOL, AND THEN YOUR MOM, LIKE,

THREATENED YOU TO, LIKE, SHE--

"I'LL COME UP OFF MY JOB AND

COME UP THERE AND EMBARRASS YOU

IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.

DON'T MAKE ME COME FROM MY JOB

AND COME UP AT THAT SCHOOL."

SHOOT, MY MOM WAS SO YOUNG, SHE

USED TO COME FROM HER SCHOOL TO

BEAT ME.

"I GOT P.E. NEXT PERIOD.

MESSING UP BOTH OUR EDUCATIONS."

PRINCIPAL COME OVER THERE,

SEND US BOTH TO DETENTION.

"YOUR FAULT, MAMA.

QUIT BULLSHITTIN' AND PASS ME A

LUNCHABLE."

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, MAN.

AND I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH MORE

RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AND

APPRECIATION FOR MY MOM NOW THAT

I'M GETTING READY TO BECOME A

FATHER, BECAUSE JUST THINKING

ABOUT ALL THE EMOTIONS AND THE

MENTAL THINGS YOU HAVE TO GO

THROUGH WITH THAT, MAN,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO

Y'ALL, MAN; I AM HORRIFIED.

I'M SCARED, Y'ALL, OF BEING A

FATHER.

AND IT PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN THE

REASON WHY Y'ALL THINK I SHOULD

BE SCARED.

I'M SCARED THAT I HOPE THEY

DON'T GET THAT BADASS GENE THAT

RUN THROUGH MY FAMILY.

NAH, 'CAUSE ALL THE KIDS IN MY

FAMILY ARE BAD.

JUST BAD FOR NO REASON.

Y'ALL GOT BAD KIDS IN Y'ALL

FAMILY?

[cheers and applause]

OH, OKAY, I WAS JUST CHECKING.

SHOOT, SOME OF Y'ALL GOT SOME

BADASS KIDS AT HOME RIGHT NOW,

YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF THEY

THERE WHEN YOU BET BACK,

TYPE BAD.

LIKE, "I WAS AT THE COMEDY SHOW

AND JESUS JUST TOOK HIM IN HIS

SLEEP."

TELLING YOU, Y'ALL, JUST BAD FOR

NO REASON.

YOU EVER MEET THEM KIDS SO BAD

THAT YOU WANT TO JUST GIVE THEM

NOTHING BUT BAD ADVICE?

LIKE, STRANGERS GOT THE BEST

CANDY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY HOPSCOTCH

ON THE FREEWAYS?

GOOD FOR YOUR AGILITY.

THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE

FOR ME, Y'ALL.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL

MY LIFE TO DO A STAND-UP

SPECIAL.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW

I DO STAND-UP.

AND SO I APPRECIATE Y'ALL COMING

OUT TO SEE A BROTHER.

IT WAS EITHER ME OR CARROT TOP.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'M GLAD Y'ALL CAME TO SEE ME,

MAN.

YOU ALL LOOK GOOD TOO.

SO--AND WE DOING THIS FOR

TELEVISION, Y'ALL.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE GOT TO DO THIS LIKE WE DOING

IT FOR TV.

I ALWAYS WANTED--WHEN I DO MY

SPECIAL, I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF

THEM BIG INTROS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WITH THE BIG VOICE.

AND THEY JUST GIVE YOU A LIST OF

YOUR CREDITS, ALL THE THINGS

THAT YOU'VE DONE AND STUFF.

I WANT ONE OF THOSE.

CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE?

[cheers and applause]

WELL, DAMN IT, I'MA DO MY OWN

DAMN INTRO THEN.

IS THAT OKAY?

ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T SEEN ME THEN.

I'LL BE BACK.

YOU AIN'T SEEN NONE OF MY

SEXINESS YET.

I'LL BE BACK.

STOP LOOKING AT ME.

I AIN'T RIGHT HERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HEADLINER

TONIGHT.

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN HIM IN THE

BACKGROUND OF MARIAH CAREY'S

PICTURES HOLDING AN UMBRELLA.

[cheers and applause]

HE'S STARRED IN A BUNCH OF

"B" MOVIES.

ALL OF THEM WERE TERRIBLE EXCEPT

FOR DRUMLINE.

[cheers and applause]

HIS LAST ALBUM WENT DOUBLE...

CARDBOARD.

AND HE JUST TURNED 30 YEARS OLD,

WHICH IS WAY TOO DAMN OLD TO

STILL BE ON NICKELODEON.

GIVE IT UP

FOR AMERICA'S SAFEST NEGRO,

NICK CANNON!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH.

A'IGHT, NOW THAT WE GOT THAT

SHIT OUT THE WAY, SIT DOWN.

OH, MAN.

LAS VEGAS.

Y'ALL CAME TO SEE A BROTHER TOO.

I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE.

Y'ALL SEE THE BIG MEXICAN

PICK ME UP WHEN I WAS WALKING

UP HERE?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?

>> CODY.

>> CODY?

THAT AIN'T NO MEXICAN NAME.

I WANTED YOU TO BE LIKE "JOKER"

OR "LITTLE PUPPY."

CODY.

THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP, CODY.

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD TOO.

EVERYBODY--LATE SHOW.

EVERYBODY GOT THEY DRINKS.

Y'ALL FEELING GOOD IN VEGAS?

[cheers and applause]

GET YOUR TIPSY ON.

I KNOW THAT.

WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

HOW YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT, YOU AIN'T GOT NO

LADIES WITH YOU.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?

RA--RAMON.

IT'S ALL GOOD, RAMON.

MY MAN HOLDIN' IT DOWN.

THAT'S RAMON RIGHT THERE.

YOU DO LIKE LADIES, RIGHT,

RAMON?

>> WE LOVE YOU, NICK CANNON!

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT--

HEY, I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY.

>> [shrieks]

>> HEY.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

IN THE HOUSE.

ALL CAME OUT TO SEE ME TOO.

I APPRECIATE IT.

OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER RIGHT HERE,

BOY.

YOU COLD, BOY.

GOT HIS BRIM ON AND EVERYTHING.

LOOKING LIKE RAY J'S DADDY.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

YOU COLD, MAN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RICK.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, RICK?

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

COLD ON.

YOU GOT THEM--

THEM STACY ADAMS YOU GOT ON?

THEM IS NICE.

I HEARD YOU.

YOU SMUGGLING POPCORN UP IN THE

SHOW?

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.

THIS IS VEGAS.

HEY--WHO--HEY.

Y'ALL DRUNK?

WHAT'S THIS?

SO HE SAID--

HEY.

[stammering]

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW SIT YOUR ASS

DOWN.

WHAT'S UP?

LOOK GOOD.

BOY, I'LL TELL YOU.

OUTSTANDING.

OH, LOOK, IT'S LOVE RIGHT HERE,

Y'ALL--AW, LOOK AT THAT.

THEY ALL HUGGED UP.

[stammering]

Y'ALL MARRIED?

AND YOU STILL CLOSE TO EACH

OTHER.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

HOW LONG HAVE Y'ALL BEEN

MARRIED?

>> A LONG TIME.

>> LONG--HE DON'T EVEN KNOW.

"LONG TIME."

IT'S ALL GOOD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?

TODD.

OF COURSE YOUR NAME IS TODD.

TODD, AND I RUN A MARKETING

FIRM.

WHAT'S YOUR LOVELY WIFE'S NAME?

TAMMY.

TAMMY AND TODD.

YOU GUYS GET THE AWARD FOR

THE WHITEST NAMES OF THE NIGHT.

YOU CAN JUST SEE THEY CHRISTMAS

CARD.

TAMMY AND TODD.

THIS IS OUR DOG, WILBUR.

AND WE LET HIM SLEEP IN THE BED

WITH US.

>> I DON'T LET NONE OF THIS

GO TO MY HEAD.

NONE OF THIS FAME AND MONEY

AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

UH-UH.

I WAS TAUGHT TO, YOU KNOW,

ALWAYS STAY GROUNDED AND KEEP

GOD FIRST, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?

NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU WERE

RAISED.

[applause]

IT'S REAL TALK, Y'ALL.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE THAT SAME

BROKE MENTALITY THAT I GREW UP

WITH.

FOR REAL.

I CALL IT "HOOD HABITS."

THAT'S RIGHT.

SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL.

HOOD HABITS.

TAMMY,

YOU DIDN'T SAY IT.

TAMMY, DO--I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY

A LITTLE CONFUSING.

HOOD HABITS, LET ME TRANSLATE IT

FOR YOU.

TRAILER PARK TENDENCIES.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT, RIGHT, TAMMY?

GIVE ME SOME.

I'M HERE ALL NIGHT, BABY.

'CAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING.

HOOD HABITS, TRAILER PARK

TENDENCIES, SAME THING.

I STILL DO THE SAME STUFF.

IT DON'T MATTER.

I STILL BE PUTTING BATTERIES IN

THE FREEZER.

IT MAKE THE REMOTE WORK LONGER,

RIGHT?

HOOD HABITS.

SHOOT, IF I WALK PAST A PAY

PHONE, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK,

CLANK, I'M CHECKING.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT

NEED AN EXTRA 35¢.

REAL TALK.

SHOOT, I STILL BE SNEAKING FOOD

INTO THE MOVIE THEATER.

YOU KNOW.

OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

YOU DID NOT BUY THAT POPCORN AT

THE SNACK BAR.

THAT GOT A 7-ELEVEN

RECEIPT ON IT.

I SEE IT.

HEY, I AIN'T MAD AT YOU, PLAYER.

SHOOT, I DON'T EVEN--

I BE SNEAKING FOOD INTO THE

MOVIES THAT DON'T EVEN BELONG IN

THE MOVIES.

JUST BE OLD, LEFTOVER CHICKEN

WRAPPED UP IN ALUMINUM FOIL.

JUST--YOU HEAR IT, GRUMBLE,

GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE.

SHOOT, I SHOW UP TO MOVIE

PREMIERES, I BE IN THERE POPPING

SODA CANS, SPAWHOOSH!

"WAS THAT A SODA CAN?"

I WENT TO THE LAST MEN IN BLACK

PREMIERE WITH A BAG OF OODLES OF

NOODLES, JUST--

WILL, YOU BETTER QUIT PLAYING

AND GET YOU SOME OF THIS.

>> I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE.

Y'ALL HAVE SOME CHEAP MOMS?

CLAP IF YOU HAVE SOME CHEAP

MOMS.

OKAY, I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY

ONE IN HERE.

TAMMY AND TODD, YOU GUYS ARE NOT

CLAPPING.

LIKE, "WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, [bleep].

WE HAVE MUTUAL FUNDS."

[laughs]

TELLING YOU, MAN.

SEE, THAT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE

Y'ALL GREW UP WITH ALL TYPE OF

LUXURIES AND STUFF, RIGHT?

FOR REAL.

NO, YOU SAY NO, BUT I BET YOU

YOUR DEFINITION OF A LUXURY IS

DIFFERENT FROM MINE.

LIKE, YOU GUYS PROBABLY HAD

LUXURIES LIKE MILK.

RIGHT?

YOU HAD MILK IN YOUR CEREAL,

RIGHT?

YEAH.

LIKE, WHAT WE HAVE?

WATER.

CHEAP, MAN, MY MOM WAS CHEAP

FOR NO REASON.

NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS.

NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS.

BUT ACTUALLY, I APPRECIATE HER

FOR THAT BECAUSE IT MADE ME

CREATIVE,

'CAUSE UNTIL THIS DAY--I CAN'T

EVEN FRONT--MY FAVORITE GAME IS

THE FAN GAME.

Y'ALL EVER PLAY THE FAN GAME?

OH, YOU--SHOOT, THAT WAS A GREAT

TIME.

YOU BE IN FRONT OF YOUR MAMA

BROKE FAN FOR HOURS, LIKE

AHHHHHHHH.

THIS IS FUUUUUUUN.

FOR REAL, JUST CHEAP FOR NO

REASON, MAN.

MOM BOUGHT ME--AND SHE WOULD

NEVER, LIKE, BUY ME TOYS THAT I

WANTED.

IT WAS ALWAYS, LIKE, THE BOOTLEG

VERSION OF THE TOY,

'CAUSE MY MOTHER USED TO TRAVEL

FAR AND WIDE FOR A BARGAIN.

THIS IS TRUE; THIS IS NO JOKE.

WE LIVED IN SAN DIEGO, SO MY

MOTHER USED TO GO ALL THE WAY

DOWN TO MEXICO TO BUY MY TOYS.

DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.

FOR REAL.

MAN, I DIDN'T FIND OUT TILL ONE

DAY SHE BOUGHT ME A SEE'N SAY.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THE SEE'N SAYS?

IN THE '80s, THAT WAS THE TOY TO

HAVE.

IT WAS EDUCATIONAL.

IT WAS BLUE OR RED.

I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN SHE GOT

HOME FROM TIJUANA.

OH, I WAS, MAN.

SHOWED UP, GRABBED THAT THING,

TOOK IT OUT THE BOX,

PULLED THE STRING,

IT STARTS SPINNING, AND IT

LANDED ON A COW.

THAT THING SAID, "LA VACA.

AND LA VACA, THEY SAY MOO.

MOO."

I WAS GOING TO THE ZOO CONFUSED

AS HELL.

LIKE, "THAT AIN'T NO COW.

THAT'S A LA VACA.

HE SAY MOO, LET'S GO.

[laughs]

YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, SHUT UP.

THERE WAS COWS IN THE ZOO IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT WAS A TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

COWS AND PIT BULLS,

IT WAS TOUGH.

I DON'T CARE.

THAT'S THEM HOOD HABITS.

AND SEE, MY WIFE, SHE'S TRYING

TO BREAK ME OF MY HOOD HABITS,

'CAUSE, MAN, THAT'S THE

CLASSIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER MET.

OH, SHE'S SO CLASSY.

AND SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE ME,

Y'ALL; SHE REALLY IS.

BUT I JUST CAN'T LET GO,

'CAUSE SHE DO STUFF, LIKE, SHE

COLLECTS ART.

IT'S LIKE PRICELESS PAINTINGS

HANGING ALL ON THE WALL AT THE

HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT WAS HANGING ON THE

WALL AT MY HOUSE GROWING UP?

THAT BIG WOODEN SPOON AND FORK

IN YOUR MAMA KITCHEN.

RIGHT?

THAT WAS ART.

TAKE IT DOWN, MIGHT GET YOU A

PRICELESS ASS-WHUPPIN' WITH IT.

THAT'S ABOUT AS PRICELESS AS IT

GETS.

TELLING YOU, MAN.

MY WIFE, SHE'S CLASSY.

SHE'S TRYING TO HELP ME THROUGH

ALL OF THIS, MAN.

SHE TAKES ME TO ALL OF THESE

FANCY RESTAURANTS.

I HATE THEM FOO-FOO,

CHICHI-ASS RESTAURANTS.

FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I CAN'T ORDER

NOTHING OFF THE DAMN MENU

WITHOUT HAVING TO USE A ROSETTA

STONE.

IT IS--IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING.

I CAN'T PRONOUNCE NONE OF THAT

STUFF.

EVEN THE DESSERTS

IS HARD TO SAY.

CAN'T SAY NONE OF THAT STUFF.

MATTER OF FACT, THEY GOT A

DESSERT--Y'ALL PROBABLY HEARD OF

THIS STUFF.

IT'S CALLED, UM,

TIRAMU--TIRAMUSIO?

WHAT IS IT?

MOOSEY WHO?

MIS--

LET ME GET TWO "ME SO HORNYS."

'CAUSE I DON'T--THAT'S NOT A

DESSERT TO ME.

A DESSERT TO ME IS A GOOD PIECE

OF WONDER BREAD

WITH SOME CINNAMON AND SOME

SUGAR AND SOME BUTTER ON THAT

BAD BOY.

AND YOU PUT IT IN THAT THING UP

UNDER THE OVEN.

THAT'S A DESSERT!

SHOOT, YOU CALL THAT

CINNAMON [bleep] CRUNCH.

OOH, I LOVE CINNAMON [bleep]

CRUNCH.

BE A SPOKESPERSON FOR SOME

CINNAMON [bleep] CRUNCH.

TODD, TAMMY, Y'ALL TRY THAT WHEN

Y'ALL GET HOME.

IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

SHE'S LIKE, "I LIKE IT."

TELLING YOU, MAN.

AND THEN, BECAUSE I GUESS SHE,

MY WIFE, SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE

ME, BUT I CAN'T GET WITH IT.

SHE LOVES ALL THESE CLASSIC

MOVIES,

LIKE FELLINI AND GONE WITH THE

WIND AND CASABLANCA.

YOU KNOW IT AIN'T NO MEXICANS IN

CASABLANCA?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT,

BECAUSE, TO ME, A CLASSIC MOVIE

IS BEAT STREET,

BREAKIN',

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

OH, I LOVE THEM '80s BREAK-DANCE

MOVIES, Y'ALL.

LOVE THEM!

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT'S GOING

ON IN THE MOVIE, NO MATTER THE

PLOT, NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM

IS IN THE SCRIPT, THEY ALWAYS

SOLVED IT BY DANCING.

YEAH, FOR REAL.

BEAT STREET, WAS LIKE, "SAY,

MAN, I DON'T LIKE YOU, MAN.

YOU FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE

TRACKS.

AND YOU JUST GOT MY MAN RAMON

HIT BY THE SUBWAY.

LET'S BOOGIE!"

[imitates break-dancing music]

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO WAS THE SAME

THING, RIGHT?

YOU GOT THAT, "SAY, BROTHER, I

JUST GOT THIS JIVE LETTER FROM

CITY HALL, MAN.

THEY SAID THEY GONNA SHUT THE

COMMUNITY CENTER DOWN.

WHAT IS WE GONNA DO?

LET'S BOOGIE!"

[imitates break-dancing music]

RIGHT?

LOVE THEM MOVIES.

IT'S KIND OF HORRIBLE WHEN YOU

THINK ABOUT IT, THOUGH,

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW HOLLYWOOD

THINK BLACK PEOPLE SOLVE THEIR

PROBLEMS.

LIKE WE JUST GONNA DANCE THE

NIGHT AWAY TILL WE GET THESE

BILLS PAID.

GONNA GO DOWN THIS SOUL TRAIN

LINE TILL WE GET TO THE WELFARE

LINE.

WEDDING DAY WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY

OF MY LIFE...

'CAUSE THAT'S THE DAY THAT I

CAME UP.

CHA-CHING!

WE GONNA KEEP IT REAL TONIGHT.

MARIAH GOT ME.

WE ARE RECESSION-PROOF.

SHOOT.

♪ WHEN A HERO COMES ALONG

I'M TELLING YOU,

KEEPING IT REAL TONIGHT.

I KNOW Y'ALL WAS SHOCKED ON THAT

DAY.

Y'ALL HEARD ABOUT IT.

SHOOT, I WAS SHOCKED.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WALKING DOWN THE

AISLE SHOCKED.

ABOUT TO HAVE SEX

WITH MARIAH CAREY.

JESUS IS REAL.

WET DREAMS DO COME TRUE.

THAT DAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY,

Y'ALL.

LOVE MY WEDDING DAY.

ONLY THING IS THAT WE WEREN'T

ABLE TO INVITE EVERYBODY THAT WE

WANTED TO INVITE,

'CAUSE IT JUST HAPPENED SO FAST,

AND, YOU KNOW, WE GOT SO MANY

FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY FRIENDS

AND FAMILY, SOME OF THEM JUST

DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT.

YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM NOWHERE.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE.

LIKE, I WANTED TO INVITE MY

FRIEND, KANYE WEST.

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KANYE

GONNA DO, RIGHT?

KANYE PROBABLY SHOW UP TO THE

WEDDING IN A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK

TEDDY BEAR COSTUME WITH SOME

VIDEO HOS.

KANYE PROBABLY JUMP ON STAGE

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

CEREMONY, RIGHT?

LIKE, "HEY, YO, FRIEND.

HEY, YO, YO, YO, NICK, I'M

REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.

AND I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT JAY

AND BEYONCE HAD THE GREATEST

WEDDING OF ALL TIME.

I AIN'T SAYING YOU A GOLD

DIGGER,

BUT COMPARED TO MARIAH,

YOU BROKE, [bleep]!"

IT'S TRUE.

[laughs]

MAN.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH.

PEOPLE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO

EMBRACE OUR MARRIAGE NOW.

SO IT'S COOL, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE FOR THE LONGEST, THEY

THOUGHT THIS WAS THE LONGEST

EPISODE OF PUNK'D EVER.

LIKE, "WHEN IS ASHTON COMING

OUT?"

NO, BUT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MY

WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, SO

WE GETTING ALL TYPE OF

CONGRATULATIONS AND STUFF.

YEAH.

EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY

CONGRATULATING US, MAN.

WE LIVE IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD

AS ADAM SANDLER.

HE CAME BY AND CONGRATULATED US

THE OTHER DAY...

KIND OF.

[laughs]

HE DID.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL

KNOW IT.

ADAM IS A WEIRD DUDE.

HE CAME OVER, HE WAS LIKE,

"EH, HELLO, THERE.

HEY, NICK, NICK, NICK,

YO--YOU'RE ONE LUCKY GUY,

BECAUSE OF THE--YOUR WIFE HAS

SOME REALLY NICE BOOBIES!"

[babbles]

LIKE, "THANKS, ADAM.

GET YOUR ASS OFF MY PORCH."

BUT YOU KNOW THE ONE THAT MEANT

SO MUCH TO ME?

THIS IS NO JOKE.

A FEW DAYS AGO, I GOT A CALL

FROM MY MAN DAVE CHAPELLE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY MAN.

I DID HIS SHOW AND EVERYTHING.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN A

WHILE.

AND, YOU KNOW, MUST--WAS

CALLING LONG-DISTANCE FROM

AFRICA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT--

BUT HE WAS EXCITED WHEN HE

CALLED, THOUGH.

HE WAS REALLY EXCITED, LIKE,

"HEY, NICK CANNON, WHAT'S

HAPPENING?

IT'S DAVE, SON.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?

I JUST WANT TO SAY

CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.

I'M MARRIED TOO; I GOT ME A

LITTLE ASIAN WIFE AND TWO PUERTO

RICAN KIDS.

IT'S CRAZY, BABY!"

LIKE, "THANKS, DAVE.

IT MEANS A LOT, MAN,

HEARING THAT FROM YOU,

SOMEBODY WHO'S SUCCESSFUL IN

THIS INDUSTRY,

IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP,

STILL KEEPING IT TOGETHER.

THAT'S INSPIRING."

HE WAS LIKE, "PSYCH, [bleep]!

HELP, I'M TRAPPED, HELP!

I WANT TO COME LIVE WITH YOU AND

MARIAH.

ADAM SANDLER SAY THAT SHE HAVE

SOME NICE TITTIES."

>> YEAH.

FOR Y'ALL THAT DON'T KNOW,

I AM MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY.

LOOK AT THE OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER.

"[bleep], YOU AIN'T MARRIED TO

NO DAMN MARIAH CAREY.

I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE

IF YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY."

THAT'S FOR REAL.

PEOPLE STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"HELL, NO.

THE LITTLE BOY FROM DRUMLINE?

HELL, NO, MAN."

I TELL YOU, I CAN'T BLAME Y'ALL,

THOUGH, MAN,

'CAUSE I PROBABLY WOULDN'T

BELIEVE IT EITHER

IF IT WASN'T ME.

I'M FOR REAL, 'CAUSE THAT'S KIND

OF HARD TO BELIEVE WHEN YOU

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S LIKE SOMEBODY COMING UP

TO ME AND BEING LIKE,

"HEY, MAN, YOU HEARD HALLE BERRY

MARRIED SOULJA BOY?"

YEAH, THIS [bleep], MAN, HIM.

BE HARD TO BELIEVE.

AND THE THING ABOUT BEING

MARRIED TO ONE OF THE MOST

FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD--

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT PEOPLE JUST

FEEL LIKE THEY CAN COME UP TO ME

AND SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO

SAY ABOUT MY WIFE TO MY FACE.

"MAN, OH, SHOOT.

YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH?

SHOOT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH ALL THAT.

DUDE, IF IT WAS ME, I'D HAVE

MARIAH HITTING HIGH NOTES

EVERY NIGHT."

LIKE, "DANG, DAD."

"SEPARATING Y'ALL AT THE FAMILY

REUNION."

[laughs]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH, MAN.

AND IT NEVER CEASE TO FAIL.

EVERY DAY, THOUGH,

I GET THE EXACT SAME QUESTION.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HOW IN THE WORLD

DID YOU GET MARIAH CAREY?"

[bleep], I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T.

IT'S LIKE MY LIFE TURNED OUT

LIKE A REALLY GOOD GAME OF

M.A.S.H.

Y'ALL REMEMBER M.A.S.H.,

THE LITTLE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

NOTEBOOK PAPER GAME?

REMEMBER MANSION, APARTMENT,

SHACK, HOUSE?

THEN YOU'D DO THE LITTLE THING

IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE PAPER?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

THEN YOU HAD TO, LIKE, PICK,

LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE CARS THAT

YOU WANTED, THE FOUR CARS

WHEN YOU GREW UP.

YOU START OFF ALL ASPIRATIONAL.

LAMBORGHINI.

FERRARI.

THEN YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE

MORE REALISTIC.

NISSAN SENTRA.

YEARLONG BUS PASS.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PICK THE

FOUR FANTASY PEOPLE YOU WANT TO

MARRY WHEN YOU GROW UP.

NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST?

MARIAH CAREY.

I WON.

BUT THEN YOU HAD TO HAVE

BACKUPS TOO.

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU HAD TO HAVE

BACKUPS, SO, YOU KNOW, MY SECOND

ONE WAS TYRA BANKS.

OH, YEAH, I WAS INTO THAT.

BIG FOREHEAD AND ALL, JUST...

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP FOREHEAD.

I WAS...

AND THEN NUMBER THREE?

RUDY HUXTABLE.

OH, YEAH.

SHOOT, IN THE '80s,

I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE.

SHE BE SITTIN' ON BILL'S LAP,

I BE FANTASIZING LIKE I WAS

BILL, LIKE, "OH, RUDY.

COME GIVE ME A ZERBERT."

AND THEN NUMBER FOUR,

ROSIE O'DONNELL.

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