Allen, Henry, Caliendro, The Chalks

  • 12/27/1999

I'VE BEEN IN THE GYM.

BEEN WORKING OUT.

( laughter )

I DIDN'T GETNO MUSCLES.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO EAT

TO GET MUSCLESIN A GYM?

YOU EVER FART AT THE GYMAND YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO?

A GYM WILL BRING A FARTOUT OF YOUR BODY.

YOUR TRAINER'S LIKE, "ONE MORE!"

( grunting and imitating fart )

( laughter )

"EXCUSE ME, MAN."

"EXCUSE ME, MY ASS.

"YOU'D BETTER GO CHECK.

I THINK YOU'RE BLEEDING."

I FEEL SORRY FOR WOMEN.

YOU-ALL CAN'T FART.

I MEAN, YOU-ALL DO, BUT YOUCAN'T DO IT IN FRONT OF US.

I DON'T CARE HOW FINE YOU ARE,YOU CAN'T WALK UP TO MEN, GO

"MY NAME IS NATALIE.

( imitating fart )

EXCUSE ME."

"GET YOUR FUNKY ASSOUT OF HERE, NATALIE."

"I SAID, EXCUSE ME."

"EXCUSE YOUR FUNKY ASSOUT OF HERE."

"WHATEVER."

( scattered applause )

YEAH, THAT'S...

THAT'S THE USUAL RESPONSE.

THIS WEAK, FEEBLE,BARELY-GET-IT-OUT...

IT'S WHAT TEENS DO TO YOU.

THEY JUST SUCK THE LIFE-FORCERIGHT OUT OF YOU, DON'T THEY?

I GOT A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY AT HOME.

LET ME TELL YOU

NOWHERE IN THE BIBLEDOES IT MENTION

HOW OLD THE DEVIL WAS WHENHE REJECTED GOD'S AUTHORITY.

BUT IF I MADE A GUESS, 15.

THAT WOULD BE MY GUESS.

OH, WHATAN ATTITUDE!

SAYS TO ME ONE NIGHT,WE'RE EATING DINNER.

HE GOES, "DAD, I JUST THOUGHTOF THIS.

I'LL BE DRIVING IN A YEAR."

THAT INNOCENT REMARK KEPT MEAWAKE FOR SIX WEEKS.

ISN'T THAT THE MOSTFRIGHTENING THING IN THE WORLD?

IT'S EVEN MORE FRIGHTENING

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING OUTTHE WINDOW.

YOU SEE HIM ON HIS BICYCLE,POP A WHEELIE

AND PLOW RIGHT INTO A MAILBOX.

"OH, QUICK, HONEY, GET THE KEYS.

LET'S LET HIM DRIVE TODAY."

HE ASKED MEWHAT MY FIRST CAR WAS.

I TOLD HIM IT WASA '67 VOLKSWAGEN BUG.

HE SAID, "WHAT'S A BUG?"

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A BUG WAS.

THEN HE SAID, "WHAT DID IT HAVEUNDER THE HOOD?"

I SAID, "A TIRE."

RIGHT, THEY KNEWHOW TO MAKE THEM.

THEN THEY PUT A SPARE ENGINEIN THE TRUNK

IN CASE THE TIRE MALFUNCTIONED.

HAD A NICE CAR

WHEN I GOT MARRIED.

MY WIFE MADE ME GET RID OF IT.

YEAH... 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,MAN.

IF YOUR WIFE TELLS YOUTO GET RID OF SOMETHING

YOU GET RID OF IT.

IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHINGIN 15 YEARS, IT'S THIS:

HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE MAY BE WATCHING.

I WENT TO HER

TO CELEBRATETHIS WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

'CAUSE IT'S SPECIAL-- 15 YEARS

AND I ASKED HER WHERE YOUWOULD LIKE TO SPEND IT.

LIKE, A RESTAURANT--THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

SHE LOOKED AT MEAND SAID, "HAWAII."

I'D BE JUST AS HAPPYSTAYING HOME

AS LONG AS I WAS NEAR YOU,BUTTERCUP.

SHE SAYS, "YOU WANTTO BE NEAR ME?

GET ON A PLANE.I'M GOING TO HAWAII."

FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS

WE GOT AWAY FROM HOMETOGETHER WITHOUT OUR KIDS.

IF YOU'VE GOT KIDS,YOU KNOW AFTER TEN YEARS

BY THE SECOND DAY

WE HAD NO IDEA HOWTO ENTERTAIN OURSELVES.

MOST PATHETIC DISPLAYOF HUMAN BEHAVIOR

I'VE EVER WITNESSED.

TWO LOSERS ON A BEACH.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

"I DON'T KNOW--WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"IT'S 500 BUCKS A DAY.

LET'S PICK SOMETHING."

FINALLY DID WHAT CAME NATURALTO US.

WE STOOD ON A BEACH AND YELLEDAT OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS.

( laughter )

LEAVE YOUR LITTLE SISTER ALONE!

NEVER MIND, WHO ARE WE.

WE'RE THE LOSER BEACH PATROL.

I TELL YOU.

IT'S GETTING WORSE NOW.

SHE'S GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

( laughing ):OH, MAN.

I JUST LIE AROUND IN BED

DREAMING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYSOF P.M.S.

WOW!

I'M TELLING YOU, BOY.

MY WIFE'S GOT A TEMPERAND I'M TALKING ABOUT A TEMPER.

I'M NOT TALKING IRRITABILITYAND SARCASM.

THAT'S WHAT ATTRACTED METO HER.

SHE GET ME... WE'RE EATINGBREAKFAST ONE MORNING.

JUST SITTING AT THE BREAKFASTTABLE, HER AND I.

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

SAID TO HER, "COULD YOU PASS METHE BUTTER KNIFE?"

( imitates knife being thrown )

WHOA!

NOW, I'M THINKING SOMETHINGMUST BE BOTHERING BUTTERCUP.

( laughter )

SO I SAID, "SOMETHINGON YOUR MIND, BUTTERCUP?"

SHE SAYS, "I'M FAT."

EVERY MARRIED MAN IN THIS ROOM

KNOWS YOU CAN'T RESPONDTO THAT ONE, BOY.

A TWITCH OF THE EYE COULD GETYOU KILLED RIGHT HERE.

YOU EVER HERE YOUR WIFE SAYSHE'S FAT

YOU BETTER BECOME"MANNEQUIN MAN."

( applause )

DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.

THEN SHE SAYS, "WE'RE JOININGA HEALTH CLUB.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?"

I THINK I HEARD YOU SAYYOU'RE FAT

AND WE' JOINING A HEALTH CLUB.

THAT WAS THE WRONG ANSWER.

SPOON...

( imitates spoon being thrown )

I'M NOT JOINING A HEALTH CLUB.

WE'RE LAZY PEOPLE.

WE'VE WOKEN OUR CHILDREN UP

TO GET THE REMOTEFOR THE TELEVISION.

AND LAST MONTH

SHE MADE A CELLULAR PHONE CALLFROM OUR DRIVEWAY

TO ME IN THE HOUSE

ASKING ME TO BRING HERHER PURSE.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT CALL?

"HELLO?"

"GET MY PURSE."

( laughter )

"WHAT ARE YOU, IN THE ATTIC?"

"NO, I'M IN THE DRIVEWAY.

I'M GOING TO THE HEALTH CLUBAND I NEED MY I.D."

"HOW LAZY ARE YOU?

HEY, GO GET YOUR MOTHER'S PURSEAND BRING IT TO HER, WILL YOU?"

SOUND LIKE YOU'REIN A GOOD MOOD.

I MYSELF... I GOTTO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I'M A LITTLE JET-LAGGED.

I WAS JUST VISITINGMY PARENTS IN MILWAUKEE

AND IT'S THE TRIP BACKTHAT KILLS ME

BECAUSE OF THE TIME CHANGE.

BECAUSE HERE IT'S 10:00AND THERE IT'S 1965.

( laughter )

I SWEAR TO GOD,EVERY TIME I GO HOME

WHEN I LEAVE,I CLICK THE LIGHTS OFF.

EVERYBODY SITS THEREUNTIL I GET BACK

AND CLICK THEM BACK ON.

GIVE YOU PART OF THE EXAMPLE...

FOR TWO YEARS, I'VE BEEN DATINGA PERSIAN WOMAN

BUT I'VE WAITED THIS LONGTO FINALLY CALL MY PARENTS

'CAUSE MY DAD'S ALWAYS GOTA COMMENT ABOUT EVERYTHING.

SO I CALL HOME AND TALKTO MY MOM FIRST.

YOU KNOW, SO SHE CAN BREAKTHE NEWS TO MY FATHER.

MY DAD GETS ON THE PHONE.

HE'S LIKE,"WELL, YOUR MOM TELLS ME

"YOU FINALLY MET A GALOUT THERE, HUH?

JESUS, YOU HAD ME NERVOUS."

"YEAH, DAD, HER NAME'S MARJAHN."

"OH, MARJAHN, HUH?

WHAT IS SHE, FRENCH?"

"NO, DAD, SHE'S PERSIAN."

"OH, PERSIAN, HUH?

"WELL...

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT?"

( laughter )

SHE'S GREAT, MAN.

THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED--BLUE COLLAR.

I WAS RAISED IN MILWAUKEE.

USED TO BE A MACHINIST.

NOW, THE GIRL I'M DATING...I KIND OF FEEL IN THE MIDDLE

'CAUSE HER FAMILY...

LIKE, HER FATHER'S A DOCTOR.

HER MOTHER'S A NURSE.

HER SISTER'S IN PHARMACEUTICALS

AND HER BROTHER'SA MALPRACTICE LAWYER.

THAT'S NOT A FAMILY.

THAT'S AN HMO.

AND HER FATHER...

ALL HE WANTS NOW IS TO GETHIS LAST DAUGHTER MARRIED.

SO WHENEVER I GO TO THE HOUSE

HE JUST THROWS THE SALES PITCHON ME.

I COME IN.

HE SAYS, "SCOTT,HOW ARE YOU DOING?

"PLEASE, COME IN. YES.

"HOW YOU DOING? VERY GOOD. OKAY.

"YES, SO... WHEN ARE YOU GOINGTO MARRY MY DAUGHTER?

"HUH?IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.

"WHEN ARE YOU GOINGTO MARRY HER?

MARJAHN IS VERY GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH,I KNOW SHE'S GOOD."

"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"

THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKEABOUT DATING A PERSIAN WOMAN

IS THAT PERSIAN GUYS COME UPTO US ALL THE TIME.

EVEN WHEN I'M WITH HER.

THESE GUYS WILL COME UP

AND GO, "WHY ARE YOUWITH THIS MAN?

"HUH? WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN?

YOU COULD NEVER HAVE WITH HIMWHAT YOU COULD HAVE WITH ME."

LIKE WHAT'S THAT--A REALLY FURRY BABY?

HEY!

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

I WANT TO HAVE, LIKE...

SHE CAN HAVE THE WEDDING.

I WANT THE HONEYMOON.

I WANT TO GO ON A SAFARI.

I WANT TO BE LIKETHE CROCODILE HUNTER.

YOU KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS?

YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S FROM AUSTRALIA.

HE TRACKS WILD ANIMALS, RIGHT?

HE STARTS OFF THE SHOW--

HE GOES,"TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO FIND

THE TEN MOST DEADLY SNAKESIN AUSTRALIA."

AND HE GOES THERE, TOO, MAN.

HE'LL HOP IN A RANGE ROVERAND BE LIKE...

PULL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF A SWAMP

AND HOP OUT OF HIS TRUCK.

HE'S LIKE...

( snorting )

AND HE'S WEARING SHORTS.

I DON'T LIKESTUFF TOUCHING MY FEET.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE ITWHEN I'M WATER-SKIING

AND YOU FALL

AND YOU'RE JUST SITTINGOUT THERE BY YOURSELF.

( laughter )

AND THENSOMETHING HITS YOUR FOOT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "SON OF A...!"

BRING IT AROUND!

WHOO-HOO!BRING IT AROUND!

AND THE REASON I LOVE FOOTBALL'SNOT THE GAME.

I LOVE A CERTAIN PERSON--JOHN MADDEN.

UH, I LOVE JOHN MADDENBECAUSE HE MAKES ME FEEL SMART.

HE DOES, JOHN MADDEN EXPLAINSTHINGS YOU ALREADY KNOW.

HE DOESN'T GIVE YOUNEW INFORMATION.

HE'S JUST SITTING THEREWITH HIS FOX NFL ETCH-A-SKETCH

DRAWING CIRCLES ON GUYS' ASSES,YOU KNOW?

HE TELLS YOU THINGSYOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR.

HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE

"UH, IF YOUR, IF YOUR,IF YOUR QUARTERBACK, UH, UH

"IF HE THROWS THE BALL,AND A RECEIVER CATCHES IT

"IN THE END ZONE,THEN, THAT, THAT'S GONNA...

THAT, THAT, THAT, THAT'S,THAT'S GONNA BE A TOUCHDOWN."

( laughter and cheering )

EVEN MY MOM, WHO'S NEVER WATCHEDFOOTBALL IN HER ENTIRE LIFE

IS LIKE, "NO, DUH."

COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,TROY AIKMAN

FROM THE DALLAS COWBOYS,LOST HIS CONTACT LENSES.

THIS IS WHAT MADDEN SAIDWORD FOR WORD.

"HERE'S A GUY WHO,WHEN HE PUTS HIS CONTACTS IN

HE CAN SEE BETTER."

ANYTHING ELSE,NOSTRADAMUS OF THE END ZONE?

SO MANY COOL VOICESOUT THERE, TOO.

LIKE, SEAN CONNERY'SGOT A COOL VOICE

AND WOMEN LOVE THAT VOICE.

HE COULD MEET A WOMAN ANYWHERE--

A BAR, A TAVERN, A ZOO

PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERETHEY SERVE ALCOHOL.

HE COULD, HE COULD BE,LIKE, AT THE PETTING ZOO.

HE'D BE LIKE, "NICE GOAT."

IF I WAS A FEMALE,AND I WAS LIKE

OH, MY GOD.

MOO!

THAT TEACH YOU SOMETHINGYOU DON'T WANT TO LEARN.

I ALWAYS WISHEDTHEY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT

ON SEINFELD, LIKE HADAN ANTI-DRUG SEINFELD EPISODE.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEENTHE GREATEST.

( imitates announcer ):TONIGHT ON A VERY SPECIAL SEINFELD:

JERRY'S BEEN DOING DRUGS.

( imitates Seinfeld theme music )

( makes theme's popping sounds )

( imitates Seinfeld ):WHY DO MY FINGERS

LOOK LIKE LITTLE PEOPLE?!

( laughter )

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING WHENTHEY'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER?

THEY'RE PROBABLYTALKING ABOUT ME.

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING, GEORGE?

HELP ME, GEORGE.

( laughter )

( imitates George ):I HAVE NO IDEA, JERRY.

NO IDEA.

( imitates Jerry ):SOMEBODY HAS TO HELP ME.

SOMEBODY!

CHII-CHII!

( imitates Kramer ):HEY, JERRY...

( laughter and applause )

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU BEEN SEEINGLITTLE PEOPLE ON YOUR FINGERS.

ALL THIS COMEDY,ALL THESE YEARS

WE THOUGHTYOU WERE MAKING THIS STUFF UP.

WELL, YOU JUST LET THE CAT

( roaring ):RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG!

ONE THING THAT REALLYFREAKS ME OUT

IS SOMETIMES A MOVIE COMES OUTAFTER A PERSON HAS PASSED AWAY

AND THAT HAPPENEDWITH CHRIS FARLEY.

THAT SCARED ME A LITTLE BIT.

THEN, ANOTHER MOVIECAME OUT, AND HE WAS IN IT.

COULD YOU IMAGINEIF THAT KEPT HAPPENING?

13 YEARS LATER,YOU GO INTO A MOVIE THEATER

AND THE PREVIEW COMES OUT,AND THEY'RE LIKE

( imitates announcer ):IN A MOVIE KEPT SO TOP SECRET

THAT EVEN HIS FRIENDSNEVER KNEW IT WAS MADE--

THIS SUMMER, THE LEGEND LIVES ON

BECAUSE CHRIS FARLEY IS...

BATMAN.

OH, MY FREAKIN' GOURD!

I'M THE CAPED CRUSADER!

I LURK IN THE SHADOWS.

I'M A CREATURE OF THE NIGHTAND HAVE A LITTLE BIT

OF WHAT YOU'D CALLA WEIGHT PROBLEM.

( imitates announcer ):WITH PAULY SHORE AS ROBIN.

( imitates Shore ):UH-UH, MR. ANNOUNCER GUY.

I'M THE WIZZO,MUNCHA-MUNCHAY.

( imitates Farley ):YOU'RE A LITTLE

MTV PIECE OF GARBAGE,YOU HAD A BAD TV SHOW

AND I'M GOING TO GETMOTIVATIONAL ON YOUR ASS.

YOU MIGHT THINK YOU KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU'RE UP THERE

( roaring ):RUNNING AROUND!

THINKING YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU THIS, SIR.

YOU DON'T KNOW...

( yelling )

Y'ALL WANT TO HEAR HITAFTER CHALKIN' NUMBER-ONE HIT

AND WE'RE GONNA DO YOU ONE NOW.

IT'S ONE THAT WAS A BIGBREAKTHROUGH INTO COUNTRY MUSIC

THAT WE'D ALWAYS HOPED FOR

AND WE GOT ALL Y'ALLTO THANK FOR THAT.

All:THANK YOU.

OKAY.

( mellow country intro )

♪ WELL,I'M A GOD-FEARING WOMAN ♪

♪ AIN'T GOT A HATIN' BONE

♪ BUT THE CHURCHESDONE REBUKED ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I GOTA LOVIN' JONES ♪

♪ OH, I'VE TRIEDTHE STRAIGHT AND NARROW ♪

♪ BUT IT DON'T TURN OUT RIGHT

♪ 'CAUSE ALTHOUGH I SEEMSTRAIGHTLACED BY DAY ♪

♪ I'M STRICTLYBLACKLACED BY NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU SEE, I GO HOG-WILD

♪ WHEN YOU HOG-TIE ME UP

♪ HOG-TIE ME UP ♪

♪ HOG-TIE ME ♪

♪ SLATHER ME WITH BARBECUE

♪ AND LICK ME LIKE A PUP

♪ OH, AND A LATEX SUIT

♪ AND STEEL-TEETH BOOTS

♪ MAKES THE SLUT IN ME ERUPT

♪ I GO HOG-WILD

♪ WHEN YOU TIE ME UP

♪ WELL, NOW,NO ONE WAS SUSPECTIN' ♪

♪ WHILE SINGING IN THE CHOIR

♪ AHH... ♪

♪ THAT THE MINISTER OF MUSIC

♪ AND ME-- HOW WE'D CONSPIRE

♪ WELL, AT FIRSTIT STARTED SIMPLE ♪

♪ WHIPS AND MANACLES WE'D DO

♪ BUT BEFORE I KNEWWHAT HIT ME ♪

♪ WE WAS USINGFARM EQUIPMENT, TOO ♪

♪ YOU SEE, I GO HOG-WILD

♪ WHEN YOU HOG-TIE ME UP

♪ HOG-TIE ME UP ♪

♪ HOG-TIE ME ♪

♪ POKE ME WITH A CATTLE PROD

♪ AND TURN THE VOLTAGE UP

♪ AH-AH-AH!

♪ OH, AND I NEVER DREAMED

♪ A MILKIN' MACHINE

♪ COULD MAKE ME FEELSO DANG CORRUPT ♪

♪ I GO HOG-WILD

♪ WHEN YOU TIE ME UP...

OKAY, NOW, LET'SBRING THE SPOTLIGHT

BACK ON OVER TO ME.

♪ WHEN OUR SECRETWAS DISCOVERED ♪

♪ I WAS THERE,TETHERED TO A PEW ♪

♪ SO WHEN THE DEACONWALKED IN ON US ♪

♪ THERE WEREN'T NOTHINGI COULD DO ♪

♪ OH, HE SWOREI'D BE TORMENTED ♪

♪ ALL THE REST OF MY BORN DAYS

♪ SO I JUST LOOKED REAL DEEPINTO HIS EYES ♪

♪ MOANING,"LET ME COUNT THE WAYS" ♪

♪ YOU SEE, I GO HOG-WILD

♪ WHEN YOU HOG-TIE ME UP

♪ HOG-TIE ME UP ♪

♪ HOG-TIE ME ♪

♪ YOU KNOW,I LIKE THE RODEO ♪

♪ SO, BABY, SADDLE UP

♪ OH, AND A GOOD, SHARP SPURIS SOMETHING I PREFER ♪

♪ SO JAB ME HARDAND RIDE ME ROUGH ♪

♪ I GO HOG-WILD ♪ HOG-WILD ♪

♪ WHEN YOU HOG-TIE ME UP.

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