Allen, Henry, Caliendro, The Chalks

  • Season 3, Ep 0303
  • 12/28/1999

Frank Caliendo imagines a very special episode of "Seinfeld" and explains why he loves John Madden.

I'VE BEEN IN THE GYM.

BEEN WORKING OUT.

( laughter )

I DIDN'T GETNO MUSCLES.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO EAT

TO GET MUSCLESIN A GYM?

YOU EVER FART AT THE GYMAND YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO?

A GYM WILL BRING A FARTOUT OF YOUR BODY.

YOUR TRAINER'S LIKE, "ONE MORE!"

( grunting and imitating fart )

( laughter )

"EXCUSE ME, MAN."

"EXCUSE ME, MY ASS.

"YOU'D BETTER GO CHECK.

I THINK YOU'RE BLEEDING."

I FEEL SORRY FOR WOMEN.

YOU-ALL CAN'T FART.

I MEAN, YOU-ALL DO, BUT YOUCAN'T DO IT IN FRONT OF US.

I DON'T CARE HOW FINE YOU ARE,YOU CAN'T WALK UP TO MEN, GO

"MY NAME IS NATALIE.

( imitating fart )

EXCUSE ME."

"GET YOUR FUNKY ASSOUT OF HERE, NATALIE."

"I SAID, EXCUSE ME."

"EXCUSE YOUR FUNKY ASSOUT OF HERE."

"WHATEVER."

AND THE REASON I LOVE FOOTBALL'SNOT THE GAME.

I LOVE A CERTAIN PERSON--JOHN MADDEN.

UH, I LOVE JOHN MADDENBECAUSE HE MAKES ME FEEL SMART.

HE DOES, JOHN MADDEN EXPLAINSTHINGS YOU ALREADY KNOW.

HE DOESN'T GIVE YOUNEW INFORMATION.

HE'S JUST SITTING THEREWITH HIS FOX NFL ETCH-A-SKETCH

DRAWING CIRCLES ON GUYS' ASSES,YOU KNOW?

HE TELLS YOU THINGSYOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR.

HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE

"UH, IF YOUR, IF YOUR,IF YOUR QUARTERBACK, UH, UH

"IF HE THROWS THE BALL,AND A RECEIVER CATCHES IT

"IN THE END ZONE,THEN, THAT, THAT'S GONNA...

THAT, THAT, THAT, THAT'S,THAT'S GONNA BE A TOUCHDOWN."

( laughter and cheering )

EVEN MY MOM, WHO'S NEVER WATCHEDFOOTBALL IN HER ENTIRE LIFE

IS LIKE, "NO, DUH."

COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,TROY AIKMAN

FROM THE DALLAS COWBOYS,LOST HIS CONTACT LENSES.

THIS IS WHAT MADDEN SAIDWORD FOR WORD.

"HERE'S A GUY WHO,WHEN HE PUTS HIS CONTACTS IN

HE CAN SEE BETTER."

ANYTHING ELSE,NOSTRADAMUS OF THE END ZONE?

SO MANY COOL VOICESOUT THERE, TOO.

LIKE, SEAN CONNERY'SGOT A COOL VOICE

AND WOMEN LOVE THAT VOICE.

HE COULD MEET A WOMAN ANYWHERE--

A BAR, A TAVERN, A ZOO

PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERETHEY SERVE ALCOHOL.

HE COULD, HE COULD BE,LIKE, AT THE PETTING ZOO.

HE'D BE LIKE, "NICE GOAT."

IF I WAS A FEMALE,AND I WAS LIKE

OH, MY GOD.

MOO!

THAT TEACH YOU SOMETHINGYOU DON'T WANT TO LEARN.

I ALWAYS WISHEDTHEY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT

ON SEINFELD, LIKE HADAN ANTI-DRUG SEINFELD EPISODE.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEENTHE GREATEST.

( imitates announcer ):TONIGHT ON A VERY SPECIAL SEINFELD:

JERRY'S BEEN DOING DRUGS.

( imitates Seinfeld theme music )

( makes theme's popping sounds )

( imitates Seinfeld ):WHY DO MY FINGERS

LOOK LIKE LITTLE PEOPLE?!

( laughter )

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING WHENTHEY'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER?

THEY'RE PROBABLYTALKING ABOUT ME.

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING, GEORGE?

HELP ME, GEORGE.

( laughter )

( imitates George ):I HAVE NO IDEA, JERRY.

NO IDEA.

( imitates Jerry ):SOMEBODY HAS TO HELP ME.

SOMEBODY!

CHII-CHII!

( imitates Kramer ):HEY, JERRY...

( laughter and applause )

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU BEEN SEEINGLITTLE PEOPLE ON YOUR FINGERS.

ALL THIS COMEDY,ALL THESE YEARS

WE THOUGHTYOU WERE MAKING THIS STUFF UP.

WELL, YOU JUST LET THE CAT

( roaring ):RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG!

ONE THING THAT REALLYFREAKS ME OUT

IS SOMETIMES A MOVIE COMES OUTAFTER A PERSON HAS PASSED AWAY

AND THAT HAPPENEDWITH CHRIS FARLEY.

THAT SCARED ME A LITTLE BIT.

THEN, ANOTHER MOVIECAME OUT, AND HE WAS IN IT.

COULD YOU IMAGINEIF THAT KEPT HAPPENING?

13 YEARS LATER,YOU GO INTO A MOVIE THEATER

AND THE PREVIEW COMES OUT,AND THEY'RE LIKE

( imitates announcer ):IN A MOVIE KEPT SO TOP SECRET

THAT EVEN HIS FRIENDSNEVER KNEW IT WAS MADE--

THIS SUMMER, THE LEGEND LIVES ON

BECAUSE CHRIS FARLEY IS...

BATMAN.

OH, MY FREAKIN' GOURD!

I'M THE CAPED CRUSADER!

I LURK IN THE SHADOWS.

I'M A CREATURE OF THE NIGHTAND HAVE A LITTLE BIT

OF WHAT YOU'D CALLA WEIGHT PROBLEM.

( imitates announcer ):WITH PAULY SHORE AS ROBIN.

( imitates Shore ):UH-UH, MR. ANNOUNCER GUY.

I'M THE WIZZO,MUNCHA-MUNCHAY.

( imitates Farley ):YOU'RE A LITTLE

MTV PIECE OF GARBAGE,YOU HAD A BAD TV SHOW

AND I'M GOING TO GETMOTIVATIONAL ON YOUR ASS.

YOU MIGHT THINK YOU KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU'RE UP THERE

( roaring ):RUNNING AROUND!

THINKING YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU THIS, SIR.

YOU DON'T KNOW...

( yelling )