Monday, May 2, 2016

  • 05/02/2016

"Weird Al" Yankovic, Scott Aukerman and Rachael Harris title Barack Obama's comedy album, guess what Radiohead is up to and #AddTheRockImproveAnything.

President Obamaabsolutely killed

at the WashingtonCorrespondents' Dinner

this weekend, and he didn't evenhave to use drones!

The president did a half hourof original material

at the annualblack-tie circle jerk

for Washington insidersand media elites

that I would totally go toif I were ever invited.

-(laughter) -Nah. Actually,it looks kind of boring.

People online call it"nerd prom" for some reason,

even though the correspondents'dinner is not full of nerds.

It's full of adultswho are as serious

as five Dick Cheneyheart attacks.

(with Southern accent): And it'snot a prom, 'cause the only ones

getting (bleep) are the Americanpeople, am I right, y'all?

-(cheers and applause)-Am I right, y'all?

Come on now.Who is with me?

Hear me out.What's up with that?

Ladies, let do it!

(in his voice):Uh...

Now let's take a...

Let's take a lookat Obama's big closer.

-Obama.-(laughter)

HARDWICK:Mic drop.

Mic drop.

(applause and cheering)

Next up-- Bernie the entertainerand Hillary quake.

-(laughter) -Looks like allthose years working in the clubs

in the Kenyan comedy scene madeObama into a great standup.

So, comedians,

what is Obama goingto call his comedy album?

Rachael Harris, go.

Barack Obama Live: High Off My Oval Office Ass.

HARDWICK:Yes, yes. Probably so.

-(applause and cheering)-Scott Aukerman.

-POTUS My Scrotus. -(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Nice.

How could he not?Weird Al.

(with accent): My Name Hussein Jimenez.

The online music worldis going crazy

because alt rock squint godsRadiohead--

one of my and Scott Aukerman'sfavorite bands, I might add.

Scott and I have been toRadiohead concerts together.

-Yes, we've been to see themtogether several times. -Yeah.

They might release an album,Scott!

Everything went down,and there's...

-I know. I almost called you!-I almost...

I didn't know we were gonna talkabout it here on television.

-HARRIS: Yeah.-Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, there's a lot of clues.There's a lot of clues.

First up-- fans were mailedpostcards that read,

"Burn the witch," and thenRadiohead began deleting

their entire social mediapresence, uh, doing this.

There it goes.

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Who knows?

Who knows?Why are they vanishing?

Why are they vanishing?

Either...

Either there's a newRadiohead album,

or Thom's justin one of his moods.

-Uh...-(laughter)

Or maybe LP nineis finally on the way.

So, uh, comedians, since allwe can do is theorize right now,

what do you think is going on?

Rachael.

I think they're really upset

that Miley stoppedfollowing them on Twitter.

Points. I think so. Yeah.

(applause and cheering)

Very upset.

-(bell dings)-Scott.

I thinkRadiohead is being erased

like in Back to the Future

because Thom Yorke couldn'ttrick his parents into (bleep).

-HARDWICK: Yeah, points. Right.-(laughter)

-Right. -HARRIS: Okay.-(applause and cheering)

(British accent): If they don'tdance, they can't fall in love.

If they don't fall in love,they can't kiss,

-and then I'm history.-(laughter)

"Let's play a Radio songat the prom."

-Everyone scatters.-(laughter)

Hey, Thom Yorke,

you know that new soundyou've been looking for?

-Well, listen to this!-(laughter)

♪ Karma police...

-They're really funny...-(laughter)

HARRIS:Keep going. Keep going.

"Karma Police" at the Underthe Sea dance, and... Oh!

Makes it a much different movie.Weird Al.

They're forsaking the Internetand releasing their next album

exclusively on handmademusical dream catchers.

HARDWICK:Yes. Points. Points.

-(applause and cheering)-That could be very true.

(with English accent):We're releasing our next album

on spider web.

A spider will comeand spin a web

in your homeand pluck the strings.

(laughter)

Uh, please release anotheralbum, Radiohead, and then,

-I... I want to meet you.-(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

No matter your race, creed,political affiliation,

Hogwarts house,in these trying times,

there's one thingwe can all agree on--

Dwayne The Rock Johnson(bleep) rules.

(whooping, cheering, applause)

I mean, thisdoesn't even have enough

to represent what's going onfor real under there.

I think it's safe to sayhe's America's favorite

half-Samoan, half-teddy bear,ex-wrestler movie star

who loves dogs,and is somehow threatening

and approachableat the same time!

And Monday wasThe Rock's birthday,

so we'd like to celebrate theman who can make anything better

with tonight's hashtag,#AddTheRockImproveAnything!

And beforewe get into this game,

Dwayne The Rock Johnson,I love you,

please come on our show!

-You will be amazing on it!-(cheering, applause)

Come!

As...

my birthday gift back to you,come on our show, please.

Examples might be:Bed, The Rock & Beyond,

or Love is patient,love is kind,

love is Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

I'm gonna put 60--yeah, any...

just put The Rock in anything--in 60 seconds, and begin.

-Weird Al. -Dwayne's, Trains and Automobiles.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

Oh, my God,I love John The Rock Candy.

Uh... Scott.

-SpongeRock DwaynePants.-Yes, points.

Al.

3rd The Rock Johnson from the Sun.

Yes, points.

Scott... Scott.

The Diary of Anne The Rock Frank.

-Points.-(laughter)

Al.

One, two, three o'clock,four o'clock,

-Dwayne The Rock Johnson.-Yes, points. -(cheering)

-Rachael Harris.-Suck my Dwayne, Alan.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

Rachael The Rock Harris.

Fake it till you Dwayne it.

(laughter)

-(applause)-Points.

Scott The Rock Aukerman.Scott the Rockerman.

My neck, my back,my pussy and my Dwayne?

-Uh, points.-(laughter, applause)

Uh, Al The Rock Yankovic.

You want the Tooth Fairy?

You can't handlethe Tooth Fairy!

-Yes, excellent reference.-(cheering, applause)

Two excellent referencesfor the price of one.

-Rachael.-If he Dwayne me good,

I take his ass to Rock Lobster.

-Yes, points! Points.-(cheering, applause)

HARDWICK: That was...that was a really good one.

That was a really good one.