Tuesday, March 24, 2015

  • 03/24/2015

Fortune Feimster, Ben Gleib and Moshe Kasher list roles for Chris to play on "The X-Files" reboot, describe #MyExIn5Words and reveal their spring break regrets.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: THE GRAPHIC IS STILLNEW.

IT'S STILL FRESH.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE CHEVYMALIBU COULDN'T GET ANYMORE RAD,

THEY INTER INTRODUCED FEATURESFOR 2016 THAT'S TAKING THINGS TO

THE NEXT LEVEL OF PARENTING.

THE FEATURE TEEN DRIVER LET'SPARENTS SPY ON THEIR TEENS

WHILE KEEPING THEM SAFE OBTSTREETS AND UNPOPULAR IN

THE SHEETS.

IT AUTOICALLY MUTES THE STEREOWHEN THE SEATBELTS AREN'T ON

TO GET THEIR GODDAMN RAPMUSIC DOWN.

IT ISSUES WARNINGS WHEN A TEENEXCEEDS THE PRESET SPEED AND

SENDS PARENTS A REPORT CARD LIKEA GODDAMN NARC.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A FEATUREYOUR PARENTS WOULD'VE WANTED

ON YOUR CAR WHEN YOU WERE ATEEN.

FORTUNE.

>> IT WOULD JUST HAVE A BUNCHOFPICTURES OF REALLY NICE GUYS

AND MY MOM WOULD BE SAYING, AREYOU SURE YOU'RE A LESBIAN?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I AM. I'M SURE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: MOSHE.

>> MY DAD WOULD GET AN ALERTEVERY TIME A FINGER A CHICK IN

THE CAR SO HE'S KNOW WHEN TOHIGH FIVE ME.

>> I WOULD OF GOTTEN ZEROALERTS.

>> Chris: ZERO ALERTS. ZERO HIGHFIVES.

>> WELL, ME AND FORTUNE WOULDHAVE GOTTEN A WHOLE BUNCH.

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS TOEVERYONE FOR THAT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: TODAY ON THE INTERNET,ALL OF NERD-DOM CRIED OUT "THE

X-FILES" ARE COMING BACK!

YES!

I'M SO EXCITED.

THE 90s SCI-FI CLASSIC WILLRETURN TO FOX FOR SIX EPISODES

SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

NOT TO BRAG BUT YOU BASICALLHAVE ME TO THANK FOR THIS.

GILLIAN ANDERSON WAS ON THENERDIST PODCAST EARLEIR THIS

YEAR , WHERE SHE DREW THISCHARMING VAGINA IN OUR GUEST

BOOK.

>> YES.

>> Chris:THAT'S HER SIGNATURE,THIS IS THE VAGINA.

AND THIS THE HASHTAG WE STARTED,WHICH PROVES IT RIGHT HERE:

#XFiles2015.

THIS WAS JANUARY OF THIS YEAR.THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

A FEW MONTHS LATER, "X-FILES"IS COMING BACK. OH, INTERESTING.

VERY INTERESTING.

THE HASHTAG THAT I STARTED --I'M SURE THEY WERE WORKING ON

IT.

ALSO MY FRIEND KUMAIL NANJIANAHAS AN "X-FILES" PODCAST, SO I

THINK IT WAS A JOINT EFFORT.

AND BECUASE I I MAY OR MAY NOTHAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE RETURN

OF "THE X-FILES," I THINK IDESERVE A CAMEO ON THE SHOW.

I THINK MAYBE I SHOULD BE ON THESHOW, CHRIS CARTER AND COMPANY.

COMEDIANS, THIS IS GOING TODEFINITELY HAPPEN, SO WHAT

SHOULD MY CHARACTER BE? FORTUNE.

>> CHRIS, YOU WOULD BE AGENTSMOLDER.

AN EVEN HOTTER VERSION OF DAVIDDUCOVNEY, IF THAT'S EVEN

POSSIBLE. BUT YOU'RE GORGEOUS,AM I RIGHT, LADIES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

>> Chris: FIRST OF ALL I'M GOINGTO GIVE YOU POINTS.

SECOND OF ALL, WHEN YOU CONSIDERTHE POSSIBILITY, IS IT POSSIBLE

TO THINK WE'RE ALONE.

I DON'T THINK SO. WE'RE NOTALONE.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

BEN GLEIB?

[LAUGHING]

>> MOLDER AND SCULLY INVESTIGATECHRIS THE MAN WHO HAS NOT AGES

SINCE 1994 AND JENNY McCARTHYWHO HAS.

>> Chris: OH, [BLEEP]. I DIDN'T--

>> JUST A LITTLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BY THE WAY, I SHOULD'VE BEENMORE SPECIFIC WITH THE HASHTAG.

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS#HardwickOnXFiles2015.

MAKE IT HAPPEN!

PLEASE! I AM BEGGING YOU!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S END OF RAPIDREFRESH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ONE OF THE TOP IMAGESON REDDIT TODAY WAS A LESSON IN

TAXONOMY CAPTIONED "EXGIRLFRIENDS BE LIKE -- BOBBERS

AND DRIFTERS, SQUIRTERS ANDGRABBERS, CREEPERS AND

CLINGERS."

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: SO FOR Y'ALL BREAKINGUP WITH THE CREEPERS AND THE

CLINGERS AND THE SQUIRTERS ANDGRABBERS.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#MyExIn5Words, #MyExIn5Words.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, USE MYSCOTUM AS A PINATA.

OR [BEEP] MANY OF MY FRIENDS.

OR, IS SUPER RACIST TURNS OUT.

OR, DRINKS LIKES IT'S A JOB.

SO LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> WOULDN'T STOP [BEEP]ING MYDAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> CRAZY, BUT THAT ORAL THO --

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> PRETTY SURE SHE'S STILLMISSING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> TED CRUZ FACE WITH AN OAKLANDBOOTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FORTUNE.

>> KEPT INSISTING SHE WASPREGNANT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]

>> I DON'T KNOW --

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Chris: MOSHE.

>> SCREAMED FREE PALESTINEDURING SEX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> MEAN, VERY MEAN.

VERY MEAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> IS THE WORD "ASSHOLE" ONEWORD OR TWO?

>> Chris: LET'S SAY IT'S ONE.

>> OKAY, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE,ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE.

Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: WELCOME BACK TO@MIDNIGHT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY FAILORAMA.

FAILORAMA.

TAKING PHOTOS IN PANORAMA MODEIS PERFECT FOR CAPTURING THOSE

PRECIOUS MOMENTS WHEN YOU DON'TQUITE UNDERSTAND HOW TO TAKE A

PANORAMIC PHOTO.

ONE TINY MOVEMENT AND NORMALLYBENIGN SITUATIONS ARE

TRANSFORMED INTO SURREAL HORRORNIGHTMARES.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA PANORAMIC PHOTO FAIL, AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOCAPTION IT, ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, THIS SUMMER MEMORY,THIS SUMMER MEMORY.

FORTUNE.

>> THINK THAT'S A HALF NELSON.

THE OTHER HALF IS DOUG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, VERY WELL DONE. NICE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NEXT ONE THIS TORSOHEAD, THIS TORSO HEAD.

MOSHE.

>> WELL IT TOOK AWHILE CAN IFINALLY [BEEP] MY OWN DICK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: FORTUNE.

>> HEY, MY EYES ARE DOWN HERE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS TUB OF MAN PARTS.

OH.

OH, OH, OH...

OH, I DON'T -- OH.

BEN.

>> WELCOME TO THE HOTEL ROBERTDURST.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

I MEAN, I MAY OF REARRANGED AMAN'S BODY IN A BATHTUB.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

MOSHE.

>> COMPUTER THERE IS A PROBLEMWITH THE BATHTUB IN TRANSPORTER

ROOM 3.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

IT SEEMS THAT WESLEY DID NOTCOME OUT RIGHT.

>> FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS A WORSTPATRICK STUART IMPRESSION THAN

ME.

>> Chris: LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

THIS LAZY BOY THIS.

THIS LAZY BOY.

[LAUGHING]

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER "CATDOG"?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MOSHE.

>> WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FART.

>>Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> I REALLY NEED TO DO SOMEMAN-SCAPING.

>> Chris: FORTUNE.

>> I'LL JUST WEAR A SKIRT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,CONFESSION OR IMPRESSION.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I'M GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND.

THE INTERNET ISN'T JUST FOR CATSAND PORN.

IT'S A WONDERFUL PLACE TO SHAREYOUR TALENTS WITH THE WORLD,

OR GET SOMETHING PERSONAL ANDOFTEN CRINGE-WORTHY OFF YOUR

CHEST.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A STILLIMAGE, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

IF THE PERSON IS A PERSONDELIVERING A TERRIBLE

CONFESSION OR DOING A TERRIBLEIMPRESSION.

FIRST ONE.

THIS FUTURE BACHELOR APPLICANT.

WHAT IS HIS CONFESSION ORIMPRESSION, MOSHE.

>> CONFESSION.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> MY ANNOUNCEMENT IS THAT ISECRETLY LOVE PRETZELS AND

CHEESE.

>> I WAS WRONG.

HE'S DOING AN IMPRESSION OF AHUGE LOSER.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW --

>> NO, I'M KIDDING IF YOU'REWATCHING.

I THINK YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.

NO BULLYING #YoureGreat.>> NO BULLYING?

>> I GUARANTEE THAT VIDEO HASMORE VIEWS THAN SKETCHES I HAVE

PUT MONTHS INTO.

>> Chris: YES, YES.

ALL RIGHT, NEX ONE. THIS SERIOUSFELLOW.

CONFESSION OR IMPRESSION?

FORTUNE.

>> CONFESSION.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> MY MOM ALWAYS SAID --

[LAUGHING]

DADDY, DADDY. NO PARTICULARREASON I DECIDED TO GO FOR A

LITTLE RUN.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH, MAN.

>> I MEAN, YOU REALLY DO NEVERKNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET.

[LAUGHING]

>> YOU CAN TELL THAT'S THE ONLYIMPRESSION THAT GUY DOES.

THERE IS NO WAY HE'S PULLING OUTA PATRICK STEWART AFTER THAT.

>> Chris: NO.

NEXT ONE.

THIS OUTDOORS MAN, CONFESSION ORIMPRESSION.

MOSHE?

>> CONFESSION.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> HEY YO, MR. WIGHT.

JESSE.

WHAT'S COOKING -- BITCH.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: HEY, YO.

I THINK I LOOK ENOUGH LIKE AARONPAUL TO SAY, "MR. WHITE, BITCH."

THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT JESSEPINKMAN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> ARE PEOPLE AWARE THATIMPRESSIONS ARE NOT JUST SAYING

THE WORDS OF THE CHARACTER?

>> TO BE FAIR, HE WAS ON QUITE ABIT OF METH TO THINK THAT WAS A

GOOD JESSE IMPRESSION.

>> Chris: LAST ONE --

THIS BUFF BUDDY, CONFESSION ORIMPRESSION.

BEN.

>> THIS IS DEFINITELYA CONFESSION OF SOMETHING

TERRIBLE.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS -- BOTH.

HE'S DOING A IMPRESSION OFUSHER'S CONFESSION.

>> WHOA.

>> Chris: YES, YES.

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WERECORRECT.

HE'S STANDING IN FRONT OF APOSTER OF HIMSELF.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR SPRINGBREAK REGRETS.

SPRING BREAK REGRETS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: WE ARE DEEP IN THETHROWS OF THE ANNUAL SPRING

BREAK RITUAL WHERE COLLEGESTUDENTS DESCEND ON PLACES LIKE

DAYTONA BEACH AND CANCUN.

BACONALIAS FOR MEMORIES ANDSTDs TO LAST A LIFETIME.

REGRETTABLY MANY OF US HAVE BEENTHERE.

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T GO TO A COOLSPRING BREAK STUFF WHEN I WAS IN

COLLEGE.

THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TO WORKINGFOR MTV.

NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED AT THATPOINT.

I WANT TO YOU GIVE ME AS MANYSPRING BREAK REGRETS AS YOU

POSSIBLY CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

BEN GLEIB.

>> ENTERING THE WET UNDERPANTSCONTEST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> TOSSING THOSE BEADS AT MYMOM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> ONE ROOM 12 DUDES.

>> Chris: POINTS. FORTUNE.

>> PUTTING THOSE PING PONG BALLSIN MY VAGINA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> THRUSTING HIM WHEN HE SAID HEWASN'T A GUY.

>> Chris: OH, JESUS. BEN.

>> NOT GETTING GOOD WITH GIRLSUNTIL A DECADE AFTER SPRING

BREAK.

>> Chris: POINTS. FORTUNE.

>> BLOWING ALL MY GUY FRIENDS,BECAUSE IT'S NOW JUST AWKWARD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> SIGNING THE RELEASE FOR JEWSGONE WILD.

>> Chris: POINTS,

MOSHE.

>> AGREEING TO CO-STAR IN THEDONKEY SHOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FORTUNE.

>> GOING WILD IN FRONT OF THATCAMERA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> INVITING ROBERT DURST ON MYSPEED BOAT.

>> Chris: BEN.

>> BLOWING ALL MY GUY FRIENDSNOW IT'S JUST AWKWARD.

>> WAIT A SECOND!

>> Chris: POINTS TO BEN.

FORTUNE.

>> USING MIRACLE WHIP AS SUNSCREEN.