Ralphie May: Too Big to Ignore

  • Season 1, Ep 101

Ralphie May details the dangers of meeting models while with your family, teaching your kids to cuss and getting stoned before spending time with toddlers.

I HAD A RARECOUPLE OF DAYS OFF

IN LOS ANGELESA COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,

AND, UH, FOR ME, STAYING IN MYHOUSE IS VACATION TIME.

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO TO MEXICO,AND MY ARGUMENT WAS,

"HEY, WE'RE ALREADYIN LOS ANGELES.

WHY GO TO MEXICO?

WE'RE HERE."

AND SHE GOES,"THIS IS NOT MEXICO."

AND I'M LIKE, "REALLY?"I OPEN MY DOOR--

WE'RE UP INTHE HOLLYWOOD HILLS, OKAY?

THERE'S HARDLY ANYBODYAROUND US, ALL RIGHT?

AND WE'RE AT THE TOP OF ACANYON, AND I YELL OUT

"COMO ESTAS?"[low] "BIEN."

"IS THIS MEXICOENOUGH FOR YOU?"

ASKING ME TO GO ON VACATIONON A COUPLE OF DAYS OFF

IS LIKE ASKING A MAILMANTO TAKE A WALK AFTER HIS SHIFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ITS KIND OF A DICKYTHING TO DO, YOU KNOW?

JUST--JUST LET ME RELAX, OKAY?

AND I PICKED UP A TV SHOW,AND WE FILMED LATE,

AND I DIDN'T GET INTO BEDTILL LIKE 3:30, 4:00.

AND THE NEXT MORNING, AT 8:00,MY WIFE WAKES ME UP

TO TELL ME I CAN SLEEP IN.

AND I'M LIKE,

"I WAS DOING THAT.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I WAS ALREADY AHEAD OF YOU.

I WAS DOING THAT VERY THING."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I WANTYOU TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING,

OKAY, AND WHAT'S GOING ON."

AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?""WELL, KELLY AND I"--THAT'S HER

THELMA & LOUISE GIRLFRIEND.

EVERY GIRL'S GOT ONE THATTHEY GO OFF AND DO THINGS WITH

AND GET INTO HIGH JINKS,YOU KNOW?

SO I WAS LIKE,"GREAT, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

WHAT ARE Y'ALL GONNA DO?""WE'RE GOING

ON A TEN-MILE HIKE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT, TEN MILES?

OH, YEAH?

Y'ALL RAISING MONEYFOR CANCER OR SOMETHING?"

IF I'M GOING ONA TEN-MILE HIKE,

SOMEBODY'S LIFEIS ON THE LINE, OKAY?

SOMEBODY CLOSE, CLOSE.

EITHER THATOR I'M BEING CHASED

BY A VERY SLOW MONSTER,YOU KNOW?

[growls]AH!

AAH!

OKAY, SO...

[laughs]AND SHE SAYS

SHE'S TAKING THE BABIES,AND KELLY'S TAKING HER DOG,

AND--AND I REMEMBER, KELLY'S DOG

IS AN ENGLISH BULLDOG, OKAY?

WE HAVE AN ENGLISH BULLDOG.

THEY'RE GREAT DOGS, OKAY?

BUT THEY'RE NOT THE MOSTHEALTHY AND FIT ANIMALS, OKAY?

THEY REALLY AREN'T, OKAY?

YOU GOT TO GIVE THEMA LOT OF TLC.

AND THEY'RE CANTANKEROUS, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

"Y'ALL BETTER PUT THAT DOGUP IN THE STROLLER

WITH THEM BABIES, OKAY?"AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO,

WE'LL BE FINE, WE'LL BE FINE."

"WHATEVER."

"I JUST WANT YOUTO RELAX, OKAY?

STAY IN YOUR HOUSE,ENJOY YOUR WEEDS OR SOMETHING."

"OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT."

>> I DON'T THINK THE PEOPLE

WHO MADE THIS LAW UP

HAVE REALLY THOUGHT

IT ALL OUT, YOU KNOW?

THINK ABOUT IT, FOLKS.

IF WE GET RID OF ALL

THE MEXICANS, NOT FOR NOTHING...

HOW ARE WE

GOING TO MOVE?

EVERYBODY I KNOW

USES MEXICANS.

WHITE PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE--

MEXICANS USE MEXICANS, OKAY?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

WELL-NOURISHED AMERICAN MEXICANS

WITH GOOD BONE STRUCTURE

AND PROPER NUTRITION.

I'M TALKING

ABOUT THOSE LITTLE MOJADOS.

THOSE ONES THAT

SNEAK OVER THE BORDER,

THAT YOU GET AT THE HOME DEPOT,

3 FOR $50,

OR FOR $100,

12 OF THEM WILL SHOW UP,

AND, UH, WITH THREE OLD LADIES--

AN ABUELA AND TWO TIAS, OKAY?

IT TAKES THEM 17 MINUTES--

17 MINUTES,

AND THEY MOVE

ALL YOUR STUFF

OUT OF THE HOUSE

ONTO ONE PICKUP TRUCK.

ONE.

IN AN UPSIDE-DOWN PYRAMID,

THEY STACK IT.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

AMAZING ENGINEERING.

AMAZING.

NO ROPE.

NO ROPE.

THEY JUST THROW THE LITTLEST

MEXICAN UP ON TOP.

HE HOLDS DOWN TWO MATTRESSES

AND A COFFEE TABLE.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

FOR THAT 17 MINUTES,

YOUR WHOLE HOUSE

LOOKS LIKE THAT MOVIE

APOCALYPTO.

THERE'S, UH, LITTLE AZTEC

INDIANS JUMPING AROUND,

POPPING UP, ONE OF THEM'S

PLAYING THE QUETZALCOATL.

[imitating Mayan language]

ALL RIGHT?

AND AS SOON AS THEY'RE DONE,

HERE COME THESE THREE OLD LADIES

SWEEPING, MOPPING, DUSTING,

WASHING EVERYTHING DOWN

WITH THAT, UH,

PURPLE WATER,

THAT FABUROSO

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW,

THAT AIN'T FROM AMERICA.

THAT STUFF IS BONA FIDE.

THAT GETS OFF THIRD-WORLD DIRT.

LIKE, YOU GOT A--

YOU GOT A CHOLERA OUTBREAK,

YOU GET THAT FABUROSO, JACK.

THAT STUFF CLEANS EVERYTHING,

SON.

IT, LIKE, PUNKS OUT MR. CLEAN

LIKE HE'S A BITCH, OKAY?

THAT FABUROSO

IS THE REAL DEAL.

AND THESE OLD LADIES--

THEY'RE CLEANING EVERYTHING,

AND YOU'RE STANDING IN THE

FORMER SHELL OF YOUR HOUSE,

GOING, "WHY ARE WE MOVING?

THIS IS AMAZING.

[chuckles]

IT WAS OUR CRAP

THAT WAS MESSING THIS HOUSE UP."

WITHOUT MEXICAN LABOR.

THIS IS CALIFORNIA.

TON OF PEOPLE.

CALIFORNIA WAS CHOCK-FULL

OF MEXICANS

BACK WHEN IT WAS CALLED

MEXICO, OKAY?

THAT'S SOMETHING WE ALL FORGET

IS THAT THERE'S A LOT

OF MEXICANS THAT NEVER CROSSED

THE BORDER.

THE BORDER CROSSED THEM,

ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE,

"I GUESS WE STAY."

OKAY.

[laughs]

BUT ARIZONA HAS

A LONG HISTORY, MAN.

THEY WERE THE LAST STATE

IN THE UNION TO RATIFY

DR. KING DAY, OKAY?

TEN YEARS PAST

EVERY OTHER STATE?

THAT MEANS EVEN PAST ALASKA.

OKAY, LET'S PUT THAT

IN PERSPECTIVE.

WE'VE GOT MORE BLACK PEOPLE

IN THIS ROOM THAN THEY HAVE

IN THE STATE OF ALASKA,

OKAY?

IF YOU'RE BLACK AND IN ALASKA,

WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?

WERE YOU LOADING ON

BAGS AT DETROIT INTERNATIONAL,

HIT YOUR HEAD, AND WOKE UP

COLD LIKE A SUMBITCH?

"WHOA, IT'S FREEZING, SON.

IT WAS COLD AS HELL.

I AIN'T NEVER BEEN

NO COLD LIKE THAT."

ALL RIGHT,

I GOTS TO KNOW.

THIS IS A STORY I WANNA HEAR,

OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

IS THEY WOULD RATHER

HATE SOMEBODY

THAN TAKE A DAY OFF.

THAT'S FUNDAMENTALLY

NOT AMERICAN.

USUALLY OUR LAZY GENE WILL TRUMP

ANY HATRED WE MIGHT HAVE,

BUT NO, NOT IN ARIZONA.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"SCREW YOU, BLACK PEOPLE.

WE'RE GOING TO WORK."

THAT'S CRAZY!

I KNOW BLACK PEOPLE THAT WOULD

CELEBRATE KU KLUX KLAN DAY

FOR A FREE DAY FROM WORK.

[cheers and applause]

"WHAT Y'ALL DOING?"

"WE'RE GETTING OUR KLAN

ON UP IN THIS SON A BITCH.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING."

KIDS ARE OUT BACK

PLAYING IN GRANDMAMMA SHEETS.

THAT BOY RAY-RAY GOT A

PILLOWCASE ON HIS HEAD

SAYING HE'S THE GRAND WIZARD

AND EVERYTHING,

TRYING TO USE

HARRY POTTER MAGIC TO CHANGE

BLACK BABIES

INTO WHITE BABIES.

LATER ON, WE'RE GONNA BURN

ONE OF THEM BIG-ASS CROSSES,

LIKE THEM REDNECK

PECKERWOODS DO.

AND WHEN IT BURNS DOWN,

WE'RE GONNA COOK SOME RIBS

ON THEM COALS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S RIGHT.

♪ 'CAUSE THE CROSS, THE CROSS ♪

♪ THE CROSS IS ON FIRE

♪ WE DON'T NEED NO WATER ♪

♪ LET THE--

BUT IN 1991, AFTER WE, UH,

BANKRUPTED THE SOVIET UNION,

AND THEY, UH--AND,

YOU KNOW, IT BROKE UP,

BASICALLY, WE EXPERIENCED

THE GREATEST AMOUNT OF GROWTH

ANY NATION'S EVER EXPERIENCED

IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

WHY?

BECAUSE WHITE, BLACK, AND BROWN

WERE FINALLY WORKING TOGETHER,

OKAY?

AND ALL THAT CHANGED

ON A TUESDAY MORNING IN 2001,

WHEN ARABS FLEW AIRPLANES

INTO BUILDINGS, AND BOOM,

WE HAD A BRAND-NEW RACE WAR.

WE HAD WHITE, BLACK, AND BROWN

VERSUS A NEW KIND OF BROWN.

OKAY?

AND--AND THAT'S WHERE

WE'RE AT NOW, OKAY?

♪ THE MUSLIM IS GONNA GET YOU

♪ THE MUSLIM IS GONNA GET YOU

♪ THE MUSLIM IS GONNA GET YOU

♪ TONIGHT

♪ ALLAH, ALLAH

[cheers and applause]

♪ ALLAH, ALLAH

THAT'S THE NEW BOOGEYMAN.

WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T LOOK AT--

AT A MIRROR

AND SAY "MUSLIM" THREE TIMES.

ONE OF THEM [bleep]

UNIBROWED SONS OF BITCHES

WILL SHOW UP RIGHT BEHIND YOU

WITH THE BIG-ASS TURBAN,

BEARD, GENIE BOTTLE IN ONE HAND,

MAGIC CARPET IN THE OTHER,

DYNAMITE BELT.

LAST THING YOU'LL SMELL

IS COUSCOUS, CAMEL HUMP,

AND DIESEL FUEL.

BOOM!

THEN HE BLOWS YOU UP.

NUH-UH!

MM-HMM.

♪ 'CAUSE THE MUSLIM ♪

♪IS GONNA GET YOU ♪

♪ THE MUSLIM IS GONNA GET YOU

♪ THE MUSLIM IS GONNA GET YOU

♪TONIGHT ♪

♪ ALLAH, ALLAH

♪ ALLAH, ALLAH

[cheers and applause]

THEY WANT US TO BE AFRAID.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST--I HAVE A REAL HARD TIME

BEING AFRAID OF A DUDE

WHO'S WEARING A DRESS

DOWN BELOW HIS KNEES, OKAY,

AND, UH, FLIP-FLOPS, OKAY?

IF YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE MY MAMA

GOING DOWN TO GALVESTON BEACH,

I'M REALLY NOT THAT AFRAID OF

YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU'RE KIND OF DRESSED

LIKE A PUSSY, DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MAYBE THAT'S JUST

THE SOUTHERN IN ME,

BUT IF I COULD STUB YOUR TOE

AND PUT YOU OUT

OF THE FIGHT,

I'M NOT REALLY THAT AFRAID,

OKAY?

WITH YOU,

AS A FAT GUY THAT'S

ALWAYS DONE BETTER WITH WOMEN

THAN I EVER SHOULD HAVE,

I THINK IT'S ALL DUE

TO GAY MEN.

I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST

WITH YOU.

EVERY GAY MAN

IS EFFECTIVELY TAKING

AT LEAST A MINIMUM

OF TWO HANDSOME MEN

OFF THE MARKET, OKAY?

THAT LEAVES BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO COME

TO SOMEBODY LIKE ME.

I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT.

EVERYBODY'S ALREADY LEFT

THE PARTY.

I'M THE LAST ONE THERE, OKAY?

MY ODDS ARE UP, OKAY?

THAT'S A WINGMAN.

EVERY GAY MAN IS THE GREATEST

WINGMAN YOU'LL EVER HAVE, OKAY?

IF YOU WENT TO

A STRAIGHT PARTY, OKAY,

WITH ALL YOUR STRAIGHT

FRIENDS, OKAY,

AND SOMEONE HANDED YOU

A PILL,

SAID "TAKE THIS,"

AND YOU DO,

AND YOU'RE DRINKING

A COUPLE OF BEERS,

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MAYBE

LIKE A VICODIN OR SOMETHING--

'CAUSE, COME ON,

LET'S BE HONEST,

IN THE MIDWEST,

WE SAVE OUR PAINKILLERS

TILL WHEN WE'RE FEELING BETTER.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

RIGHT? RIGHT?

AND IT TURNED OUT

TO BE A PERCOCET.

AND YOU PASSED OUT LIKE

A BITCH, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

WHILE YOU'RE PASSED OUT,

DO YOU THINK THAT

ANY OF YOUR STRAIGHT FRIENDS

WOULD NOT TRY TO BANG

YOUR SUPER-HOT GIRLFRIEND?

OF COURSE THEY WOULD, 'CAUSE

THEY'RE SONS OF BITCHES, RIGHT?

THEY'RE TOTAL DICKS.

TOTAL DICKS.

SAME THING HAPPENED AT

YOUR GAY BUDDY'S HOUSE, OKAY.

YOU PASS OUT,

YOU WAKE UP.

BOOM, SHE'S MORE BANG-ABLE

THAN WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP.

SHE'S PRETTIER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

YOU'RE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL--

IS THIS THE DRUGS?"

AND THAT'S WHEN YOUR GAY FRIEND

WOULD COME IN.

"WE HAD A MAKEOVER!

IT WAS AWESOME.

WE RE-DID HER HAIR,

HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS.

AND THEN WE STRIPPED

ALL THE MAKE UP OFF

AND WENT TO EARTH TONES

AND JUST HIGHLIGHTED HER EYES.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE JUST

HAD A GOOD TIME, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, IT WAS GREAT."

THAT'S A WINGMAN, BROTHER.

THAT'S A WINGMAN.

THAT'S WHO YOU WANT

FIGHTING FOR YOU.

WHENEVER YOU'RE DRIVING AROUND

AND YOU SEE A MAN

BEHIND THE WHEEL

OF A MINI COOPER

OR A P.T. CRUISER OR A PRIUS--

[laughs]

EVEN GAY PEOPLE GO,

"THE PRIUS IS THE GAYEST ONE.

IT IS THE GAYEST ONE."

I MEAN, IT'S GOT

A LISP IN THE NAME.

LET'S BE HONEST, THAT'S WEIRD.

PRIUS!

GIVE 'EM A LITTLE BEEP-BEEP.

GO, "I APPRECIATE YOU, GAY MAN!

'PRECIATE YOU!

YOU TOOK TWO HOT DUDES

OFF THE MARKET, BRO.

LET ME GET LAID LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN."

"WE DO WHAT WE CAN.

WE DO WHAT WE CAN."

[imitates car driving off]

I TRY TO TELL MY,

UH, REDNECK BUDDIES

FROM ARKANSAS THIS STUFF.

AND THEY AIN'T HEARING IT, MAN.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"UH, RALPHIE,

YOU CAN'T HANG OUT

WITH GAY PEOPLE, MAN.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET THE GAY."

[cackles]

AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW THAT'S

HOW IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, RIGHT?"

LIKE, YOU JUST DON'T

HANG OUT WITH GAY DUDES,

AND TWO HOURS LATER,

JUST START SNEEZING ORAL,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[imitates starting to sneeze]

[gagging sound]

"DAMN IT,

I DONE CAUGHT THE GAY.

COULD SOMEONE RUN ME DOWN

TO WALGREENS

SO I CAN GET ME SOME GAYQUIL

OR [bleep]TUSSIN OR"--

IF I CARRIED THAT HATRED

THAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME

AND THAT HOMOPHOBIA

THAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME

IN LITTLE TOWN, ARKANSAS,

THEN I WOULD'VE MISSED OUT

ON ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE

IN MY LIFE, MY BUDDY GAY TONY.

GAY TONY'S AWESOME.

THAT AIN'T HIS REAL NAME.

THAT'S JUST HOW IT APPEARS

IN MY CELL PHONE.

TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,

IF YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE

AND YOU'RE STRAIGHT,

THEN DON'T BE

A HYPOCRITE ABOUT IT.

DON'T ADD TO THE PROBLEM, OKAY?

IF YOU HATE, UH, GAY PEOPLE,

AS A STRAIGHT PERSON,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD STOP

HAVING SEX.

BECAUSE IT'S STRAIGHT PEOPLE

THAT MAKE GAY PEOPLE.

GAY PEOPLE

CAN'T MAKE GAY PEOPLE.

LOOK IT UP.

GOOGLE "BACK DOOR BABY."

RIGHT NOW,

GOOGLE "BACK DOOR BABY."

ZERO RESULTS,

ZERO RESULTS.

LESBIANS, YOU CAN BUMP DONUTS

ALL DAY LONG

AND HALF THE NIGHT, GIRLS.

YOU MIGHT GET VAPOR LOCK,

BUT YOU AIN'T GOING

TO MAKE NO BABY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYI

MY WIFE REALLY LOVESTHIS MALL IN LOS ANGELES.

IT'S RIGHT ACROSSTHE STREET FROM BEVERLY HILLS,

THE CENTURY CITY MALL, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, SHE LOVES IT.

NOTHING THERE FITS MEEXCEPT FOR SOCKS.

SOCKS AND COLOGNE,THAT'S ALL THAT FITS ME.

UH, SO THAT'S ALL I BUYWHEN I GO THERE.

WE HAD THE DOUBLE STROLLER,BUT--AND, UH, PEOPLE ALWAYS

ASK IF OUR BABIES ARE TWINS.

THEY'RE IRISH TWINS,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE ONLY, LIKE,14 MONTHS APART, BUT UH...

AUGUST IS BIG FOR HIS AGE,AND APRIL IS LITTLE FOR HERS,

SO THEY REALLY DOLOOK LIKE TWINS.

AND SO WE HAD THE CART--THE STROLLER,

AND WE'RE ON THE ELEVATORGOING UP INTO BLOOMINGDALE'S.

MY WIFE IS RIGHT BESIDE ME,AND WE GO UP ONE LEVEL,

AND TWO SMOKING-HOT WOMENGET ON THE ELEVATOR.

THEY TURN OUT TO BE CONTESTANTSON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.

AND THESE BITCHES WERE FINE.

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD" HOT.

LIKE, INCREDIBLY,LIKE, AMAZINGLY HOT.

LIKE, SO HOT,I WAS STUNNED HONEST.

LIKE, IF MY--FELLAS,YOU EVER BE OUT WITH YOUR GIRL,

AND SHE ASKS YOUA WEAK-WOMAN QUESTION

'CAUSE SHE'S FEELING VULNERABLEOR INSECURE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, UH,

"DO YOU THINKTHOSE GIRLS ARE HOT?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THOSE GIRLSWITH THE...BIG-ASS RACK

AND...NICE A--NO, BABY, NO."

IF MY WIFE HAD ASKED MEA QUESTION LIKE THAT,

I WOULD'VE HAD TO TELL HERTHE TRUTH.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'LL BANG BOTH OF THEMIN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY, OKAY?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?"[cheers and applause]

>> I KNOW TONIGHT'S A DATE NIGHT

FOR A LOT OF Y'ALL.

A LOT OF Y'ALL--YOU KNOW,

SOME OF YOU DROVE IN

FROM HOURS--HOURS AWAY,

YOU KNOW,

AND IT'S A DATE NIGHT.

ON DATE NIGHTS, YOU GOT

TO TAKE HER OUT TO EAT.

AND THAT'S EXPENSIVE,

AND TIMES ARE TOUGH,

AND SO YOU'RE TRYING

TO GET OFF ON THE CHEAP,

LIKE ALL YOU WANT

IS A CHEESEBURGER,

AND SHE WANTS A STEAK

AND--AND, UH...

SHE'S LIKE, UH, UH,

"I WANT A STEAK."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

[sighs]

HEARD THEY HAVE STEAK DOWN

AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL BUFFET."

AND SHE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, I HEARD THEY HAD IT

AT THE CAPITOL GRILL TOO."

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT.

YOU GO TO THAT CAPITOL GRILL,

AND THE CHEAPEST CUT

OF MEAT IS $52.

YOU'RE LIKE, "$52?

WHAT KIND OF MEAT IS THAT,

DRAGON?

THE POTATO DON'T COME WITH IT?

HOW MUCH IS THE--

$17?

WHO THE HELL PICKED

THAT POTATO, WHITE PEOPLE?

YOU GO BACK AND GET ME

A MEXICAN POTATO.

I AIN'T TOO PROUD."

[cheers and applause]

THEN YOU COME TO THE SHOW

AND YOU DROP, YOU KNOW,

$60, $70 IN TICKETS.

AND FIRST THING SHE DOES

WHEN SHE GETS IN THE DOOR

IS GO GET A $12 DRINK,

AND YOU'RE MAD AS HELL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "BITCH,

YOU BETTER EAT THAT ICE."

"PUT THAT CUP IN

YOUR POCKETBOOK.

WE'RE TAKING THAT CUP WITH US.

$12, I BOUGHT THAT CUP, BITCH.

I BOUGHT THAT CUP.

YOU'RE GOING TO WASH THAT CUP.

WE'RE GOING TO RE-USE

THAT DISPOSABLE CUP.

THAT CUP'S COMING HOME WITH US."

YOU, UH, YOU GO

THROUGH ALL THIS,

AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

ALL YOU REALLY WANT, GUYS,

IS TO GO HOME, YOU KNOW,

JUST RELAX, YOU KNOW,

GET A GOOD HUMMER, YOU KNOW.

MAYBE PUT HER LEGS UP

AND, UH...

MAYBE GET A WAFFLE

IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S--THAT'S

PRETTY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW,

LIFE IS EASY, ISN'T IT?

IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

LET ME TELL YOUABOUT ME, I GUESS.

UH, I'M MARRIED.

I, UH--SORRY, GIRLS, PACK UP YOUR

VAGINAS AND HIT THE BRICKS.

SORRY, LADIES.

I'M A KEPT MAN.

I, UH--I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I MARRIED A JEW BROADSIX YEARS AGO,

AND, UH,AND WE MADE SOME JEWS,

I'M DOING THE WORKOF CHRIST OVER HERE.

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA MAKE JEWS,YOU KNOW?

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.

WE HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

UH, WE HAVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLDDAUGHTER.

SHE JUST TURNED FOUR.

UH, HER NAMEIS APRIL JUNE MAY.

UH, SHE'S A PEACH.

TRY TO FORGET IT,BET YOU CAN'T.

AND, UH, WE HAVEA TWO-YEAR-OLD SON NAMED AUGUST.

AND AUGUST MAY,YEAH, HE'S AWESOME.

I'M TEACHING THEMHOW TO CUSS.

UH, THEY'RE DOINGA REALLY GOOD JOB AT IT.

THEY ALREADY CUSSBETTER THAN MOST IMMIGRANTS.

I'M PROUD OF THEM.

I, UH...

MY DAUGHTER HEARD A CABBIEIN NEW YORK LAST MONTH TALKING,

AND HE WAS CUSSINGAT ANOTHER CAB--CABBIE

FOR EATING DURING RAMADANDURING THE DAY.

AND, UH--YOU KNOW, SHOCKER.

AND, UH...

AND, UH, SHE'S LIKE, "DADDY,WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST SAY?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

FOREIGNERS, WHATEVER."

MY SON, HIS FAVORITECURSE WORD IS, UH--

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'M GONNAGET BLEEPED, OKAY--

IS "[bleep] IT."

UM...

[laughs]IN PUBLIC, WE'VE TAUGHT HIM

TO CURB IT AND SAY "EFF IT."

SO, UH, HE GOES,"EFF IT! EFF IT! EFF IT!"

AND IT MAKES HIMAN AMAZINGLY EASY BABY, OKAY?

IT'S LIKE, "AUGUST,WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH?"

"EFF IT."

"ALL RIGHT,LIKE A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING?"

"YEAH, EFF IT, DADDY.

EFF IT."

"SANDWICH IT IS.

GOOD KID."

I GET IN TROUBLE, 'CAUSEI'M TEACHING THE KIDS TO CURSE,

AND, UH, THE WIFE, SHE DOESN'TCARE FOR IT, AND, UM, I GET--

I'M WEARINGA JACKET, LONG SLEEVE TONIGHT,

BUT ON THE BACK OF MY ARMARE ALL THESE BRUISES

WHERE MY WIFE WILL PINCH MEIN MY FAT MEAT WHILE I'M DRIVING

'CAUSE I DID SOMETHING.

AND THEN...

AND, MAN,THAT HURTS SO MUCH.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S INCREDIBLY PAINFUL.

WE WE'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC, ANDMY DAUGHTER, APRIL, WAS LIKE,

"DADDY, WHAT'S UPWITH THESE EFFIN' PEOPLE?"

AND...

AND I'M LIKE, "OW! OW!

IT'S A LEGITIMATE QUESTION!

JESUS!""THEY'RE..."

"HONEY, THEY'RE JUSTDRIVING [bleep], OKAY?"

ALL RIGHT, AND,"OW! OW! OKAY, JESUS."

A GOOD LOOK AT ME,

DO ANYBODY THINK THAT MAYBE IF

CHAZ BONO KNEW SHE WAS GONNA...

[laughs]

TURN INTO A DUDE,

AND SHE WAS GONNA LOOK LIKE ME,

YOU THINK THAT BITCH WOULD HAVE

GONE THROUGH WITH IT?

SHE'D HAVE BEEN, LIKE,

"I WANTED BRAD PITT,

AND YOU GAVE ME RALPHIE MAY.

YOU SONS OF BITCHES."

IF I WAS THAT BROAD, I'D SUE.

SUE!

I HAVE NOTICED I'VE BEEN GETTING

A LOT OF FREE DRINKS

FROM LESBIANS THOUGH,

SO IT'S GOT ITS UPS, YOU KNOW?

KICK-ASS.

[cheers and applau

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE

WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

AND, GIRLS, YOUR NATURAL

INSTINCT IS GOING TO WANT TO

GET LIPPY AND MOUTH UP

AND SAY SOMETHING, BUT...

Y'ALL NEED TO HUSH UP, 'CAUSE

A MAN'S TALKING, ALL RIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

SUCH A DICK.

I'M SUCH A DICK.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST.

GIRLS, Y'ALL'S ORAL

OVER THE LAST 10, 15 YEARS

HAVE FALLEN WAY OFF.

IN EVERY GREAT CATEGORY

OF A GOOD ONE,

Y'ALL ARE SERIOUSLY DEFICIENT--

SUCTION, SALIVA, STROKE,

FREQUENCY, AND DURATION,

ALL GARBAGE,

ALL GARBAGE.

IT'S OURS, GIRLS.

WE'VE HAD IT OUR WHOLE LIVES.

WE MIGHT KNOW

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT.

MAYBE IF YOU LISTENED TO US,

WE COULD EXPEDITE YOUR ENDEAVOR,

BUT OH, NO, NO.

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING,

DON'T YOU, GIRLS?

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HEAD.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY HEAD!

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, OKAY?

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."

NO, YOU DON'T.

I CLEARLY JUST UNDERSTOOD

EVERY WORD YOU JUST SAID.

THEREFORE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING,

THIS WOULD SOUND

LIKE A CONVERSATION

AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE.

[gagging]

"OH, YOU JUST GOT

A NEW REFRIGERATOR, HUH?"

AND YOU'RE A BUNCH OF QUITTERS.

QUITTERS.

TWO MINUTES--

TWO MINUTES--

"MY JAW HURTS.

MY JAW HURTS."

REALLY?

WAS IT HURTING ALL DAY LONG

WHEN YOU WERE

TALKING MY EAR OFF?

WAS IT HURTING THEN?

IT SEEMED TO BE WORKING

PRETTY GOOD THEN.

MEANWHILE, THEY WANT US DOWN

IN THEIR LITTLE HONEYCOMB

HIDEOUT FOR AN HOUR.

FELLAS, YOU EVER BEEN

DOWN THERE SO LONG,

YOU CAN'T EVEN USE

YOUR TONGUE NO MORE?

YOU DONE IT OUT.

AND THAT LITTLE THING UNDER

YOUR TONGUE IS ALL FRAYED

AND SORE AS HELL, SO

YOU CAN'T EVEN LICK IT NO MORE.

YOU GOTTA LIP IT.

YOU'RE LIKE...

AND YOU COME UP...

[slurring] ARE YOU DONE YET?

"NO, NOT YET."

"[slurring] REALLY?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW

I'VE BEEN DOWN HERE

FOR HOUR, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?"

"YES."

"[slurring] NEVER ONE--NOT ONE?

NOT ONE IN AN HOUR?

REALLY? REALLY?

YOU WERE SQUEEZING MY HEAD

EVERY FIVE MINUTES

LIKE YOU'RE TRYING

TO BREAK OPEN A COCONUT.

REALLY?"

"NO, NO, NO."

"[slurring] REALLY?

I WAS TAPPING OUT, BITCH.

I COULDN'T BREATHE, OKAY?

LOOK--LOOK AT MY HANDS.

I LOOK LIKE

I BEEN SWIMMING TOO LONG.

THIS IS MESSED UP.

I GAVE YOU EVERY GOOD

[bleep]BLAST I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

OLD SCHOOL, E.T.,

COPS AND ROBBERS, SHOTGUN,

CHINESE FINGER TORTURE,

CIGARETTE MACHINE"--

THEY LIKE THAT ONE,

DON'T THEY, FELLAS?

CIGARETTE MACHINE,

OH, LOOK FOR CHANGE

IN THE PAY PHONE,

LOOK FOR CHANGE

IN THE PAY PHONE.

IS THAT A NICKEL?

YOU BETTER GET THAT NICKEL.

IS THAT A NICKEL RIGHT THERE?

WHAT IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, I--MAYBE.

SHOCKER,

SHOCKER: THE NEXT GENERATION,

THE VULCAN, NANU NANU,

FONZIE, SISKEL AND EBERT,

SONY PLAYSTATION.

THE BOY SCOUT.

'ON MY HONOR, I WILL DO

MY BEST TO DO MY DUTY

TO GOD AND MY COUNTRY

AND OBEY THE SCOUT--'

SHADOW PUPPET DOG.

AND THIRD GRADE FORTUNE TELLER."

"OH, MY GOD, I'M SO CLOSE."

OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR

FAVORITE COLOR?

"HUH?"

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

"LAVENDER?"

LAVENDER?

L-A-V--

PURPLE.

P-U-R-P-L-E.

"OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD."

>> THEY WERE SO INCREDIBLY HOTAND DRESSED TOTAL SKANKY.

IT WAS AWESOME.

TUBE TOPS, ABS, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

AND THE FIRST ONE CAME IN, HADHER G-STRING UP OVER HER HIPS.

REALLY, BITCH?

TAKE A BREAK, OKAY?

COME ON.

NOW I GOTTA WALK AROUND THE MALLWITH HALF A BONER ALL DAY LONG

BECAUSE YOU CAN'TGET IT TOGETHER?

LET'S GO.

AT LEAST THAT ONEWAS WEARING PANTIES.

THE NEXT ONE?

HELLO, MS. CAMEL TOE!

OKAY? I MEAN...

IT WAS A SUPER FAT MONKEY.

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

IT WAS OUT OF PLACE,JUST A BIG OLD CHUNKY MONKEY.

IT WAS WEIRD,'CAUSE IT WAS, LIKE,

HIPBONES AND THEN INDENTION.

AND THEN IT WAS AS IFYOU CUT A NERF FOOTBALL

FROM POINTY END TO POINTY ENDAND PUT HALF OF THAT RIGHT THERE

IN THE MIDDLE.

IT WAS ALL...

FUPA, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT WAS JUST--JUST 'GINA,

AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE!

I--YOU--FELLAS, YOU KNOW HOW NORMAL

CAMEL TOE IS LIKE LEG CREASE,CENTER CREASE, LEG CREASE?

NOT THIS ONE.

HAD, LIKE, FIVE CREASES.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

AND IT WAS BREATHING.

[breathes noisily]IT WAS EITHER THAT, OR

IT WAS EATING UP THEM PANTIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,BUT IT WAS--OH, MY GOD.

AND I REALIZED THE DANGER,FINANCIALLY, THESE WOMEN

POSED TO MY MARRIAGE, SOLIKE A SMART HUSBAND, I TURNED--

STILL HOLDING THE STROLLER--AND LOOKED MY WIFE

RIGHT IN HER EYES.

♪ CHERISH THE LOVE WE HAVE ♪ WE SHOULD CHERISH THE LOVE

[cheers and applause]NOW, OUT OF THE CORNER

OF MY EYE,I SEE MY SON

AUGUST'S HAND GOING UP--HIS BIG-ASS GORILLA ARM.

AND...I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU,I COULD'VE STOPPED HIM.

BUT YOU CAN'T C-BLOCKYOUR OWN SON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

YOU CAN'T LAY THAT DOWN.

SO I WANTED TO SEE IF HETOOK TO IT NATURAL, AND, UH...

HE DID, HE DID.

HE MISSED THE THIGH,HE MISSED EVERYTHING,

AND HE GRABBEDA HOLD TO THAT MONKEY AND...

AND PULLED DOWN.

PULLED DOWNLIKE HE WAS PICKING A PEACH.

AND SHE SCREAMED AND SLAPPEDHIS HAND AWAY, AND ME,

EVEN THOUGH I SAW THE WHOLETHING OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE,

I ACTED LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW,LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE YOU OKAY?""UM, YOUR SON JUST TOUCHED ME

VERY INAPPROPRIATELY."

AND I'M LIKE,"I'M SORRY, HE'S TWO.

"THAT'S KINDA WHAT THEY DO,YOU KNOW?

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU GET YOUR SPRING GOOSE EARLY?

I'M SORRY."

AND, UH, SHE GOES,"[scoffs] YOU KNOW,

MAYBE IF YOU HAD BEENA BETTER PARENT, MAYBE

THAT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED."

"OH, OKAY, I GUESSTHAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

OR, UH, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVEBEEN WAGGING THAT FAT MONKEY

IN HIS FACE, THAT WOULDN'THAVE HAPPENED EITHER.

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

MAYBE HE WAS JUST CHECKINGTO SEE IF YOUR DIAPER

WAS FULL OR NOT, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE--MAYBE YOU WAS SMUGGLINGHOT WHEELS CARS OR SOMETHING.

HE DIDN'T KNOW.

AND, BY THE WAY, MA'AM,I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS THAT,

FROM THE WAIST UP,YOU'RE BULIMIC,

BUT YOU CAN'T GET THAT 'GINERTO VOMIT, CAN YOU, BITCH?"

[laughs][cheers and applause]

THAT FAT MONKEY.

ALL RIGHT, AND MY WIFEIS PINCHING ME, AND I'M LIKE,

"OW! OW! OW!" AND SHE MENTIONSTO ME ABOUT BEING FAT.

AND I'M LIKE, "YES, I'M FAT,BUT NOTICE--LOOSE CLOTHING.

LOOSE!

YOU GOT THAT THINGIN A STRANGLEHOLD.

LET IT BREATHE!

LET IT BREATHE!

IT'S DOWN THERE LIKE A CATFISHBEEN OUT OF WATER TOO LONG."

JUST--LET IT BREATHE!

THE DOOR OPENED,AND THEY'RE SHOOTING SOMETHING

FOR THIS TV SHOWTHAT THEY'RE ON, OKAY?

AND--AND SO THE WHOLE CREW'STHERE, AND THE CAMERA'S THERE,

AND, UH, THEY GET OFF,STORM OFF, AND I'M LIKE,

"I HOPE THAT BITCHWITH THE BAD ATTITUDE

AND THE FAT MONKEY LOSES!"DOORS CLOSE, AWESOME.

SEE, I WAS HOPING THAT WOULDBE MY WIFE'S REACTION,

BUT YET, IT WAS NOT.

UM...

MY WIFE'S REACTION WAS,"OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU JUST DID THAT, OKAY?

YOU JUST CALLED A GIRL AND TOLDHER SHE HAD A FAT MONKEY, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASS--SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T HARDLY

LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT ANYWHERE,BECAUSE YOU JUST

CAN'T SHUT UP."

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, BUTSHE DID HAVE A GINORMOUS MONKEY.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T DENY IT."

"UH, HOW ABOUT THE FACTTHAT YOU'RE RAISING

A DAUGHTER AS WELL?"AND I'M LIKE, "WELL,

SHE DON'T HAVE A FAT MONKEY,AND YOU DON'T

HAVE A FAT MONKEY.

AND I KNOW FAT MONKEYSDON'T RUN IN MY FAMILY,

SO WHERE SHEGONNA GET IT FROM?"

"WELL, YOU'RE GONNA EXPLAINTO YOUR SON PROPER TOUCH

AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCH, OKAY?

AND AS SOON AS WE GET OUTOF THIS GODDAMN ELEVATOR,

I SWEAR TO GOD."

"YES, MA'AM.

YES, MA'AM. YES, MA'AM."

AND SO WE GET OUT,AND I TURN THE STROLLER AROUND,

AND I'M LOOKING DOWNAT MY BEAUTIFUL SON,

HIS BIG BROWN EYES, ANDI'M LIKE--I'M LIKE, "AUGUST."

"YES, DADDY?""SON, YOU CAN'T TOUCH ANYONE

IN THEIR PEE-PEES, OKAY?

THE PEE-PEEIS A NAUGHTY SPOT, OKAY?

THAT'S A NAUGHTY SPOT, OKAY?

YOU CAN'T TOUCH ANYONEIN YOUR NAUGHTY SPOT--

NO ONE CAN TOUCH YOUIN YOUR NAUGHTY SPOT,

YOU CAN'T TOUCH ANYONEIN THEIR NAUGHTY SPOT.

EVEN IF IT'S A BIG,FAT NAUGHTY SPOT

LIKE THAT BITCH HAD, OKAY?"AND HE GOES,

"OKAY, DADDY, I'M SORRY."

"OH...

DON'T BE TOO SORRY."

[cheers and applause]

DO YOU WANNA WATCH, BABY?"

AND SHE GOES,

"DORA THE EXPLORER, DADDY."

AND HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW?

IF YOU HAVEN'T,

IT'S ABOUT A FIVE-YEAR-OLD

LITTLE MEXICAN GIRL

THAT'S ALWAYS LOST, OKAY?

AND IT SHOULD BE CALLED

DORA THE AMBER ALERT

IS WHAT IT

SHOULD BE CALLED, OKAY?

IT IS--

THIS REALLY FREAKED ME OUT.

I HAD A MINOR PANIC ATTACK.

I WAS JUST THINKING

ABOUT THE DIRTY WHITE GUYS,

AND I COME IN

AND WATCH THIS SHOW,

AND I THINK THIS SHOW

WAS INVENTED

BY SOMEONE WHO WANTS

WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE

TO HATE MEXICAN PEOPLE.

THAT'S ALL I CAN DEDUCE.

IT'S JUST THE ONLY THING

THAT MAKES SENSE.

THEY'VE GOT THIS LITTLE GIRL

WALKING BY HERSELF

IN THE WOODS, OKAY?

AS A PARENT,

I'M WATCHING THIS, GOING,

"OH, MY GOD,

WHERE'S THAT BABY'S PARENTS?

WHO LETS THEIR BABY WALK OUT

IN THE GODDAMN WOODS?

THAT BABY'S GOT

A MONKEY WITH HER.

JESUS CHRIST!

GET THAT BABY

AWAY FROM THAT MONKEY!

THAT MONKEY WILL EAT

THAT BABY'S FACE OFF!

OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S WHAT THOSE

DOMESTICATED MONKEYS

ALWAYS DO,

EAT PEOPLE'S FACES OFF.

AND THEY GO, 'OH, I DIDN'T

KNOW; HE WAS A NICE MONKEY.'

TILL HE ATE

SOMEBODY'S FACE OFF.

GET THAT BABY

AWAY FROM THAT"--

THEN I'M LIKE,

"WHO LET'S THEIR BABY

WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE GODDAMN WOODS

BY THEMSELF...

WITH A MONKEY?

MEXICANS."

[laughter]

I LAY BACK DOWNI TRY TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I'M EXHAUSTED, BUT I'M, LIKE,"YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GET UP,

I'M GONNA WATCH A--WATCH A BASKETBALL GAME.

I HAVEN'T DONE THAT.

LET'S--LET'S DO THAT.

LET'S DO THAT.

I GOT THE WHOLEHOUSE TO MYSELF.

I'M GONNA WAKE AND BAKE.

I HAVEN'T DONE THISIN FOREVER."

OKAY?

[cheers and applause]I KNOW. I KNOW.

IT'S LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA,AND I'VE DIALED IT BACK AS IS,

BUT, MAN, I HAD THIS ONE SHOT.

SO LET'S DO THIS, RIGHT?

I GO GETTHE BOWL OF CHEERIOS, OKAY?

IT USED TO BE MY--MY CEREAL PREFERENCE USED TO BE

CAP'N CRUNCH, BUT I CAN'T EATTHAT WHEN I'M SMOKING WEED.

IT CUTS YOUR MOUTHALL TO HELL, ALL RIGHT?

I NEEDED A CONCAVE CEREAL,YOU FEEL ME?

ALL RIGHT, SOMETHINGNOT AS SHARP, OKAY?

AND, UH, AND THEN I GET THE--THE BONG OF DEATH OUT.

IT'S A TRIPLE DIFFUSER,24-INCH GRAVITY BONG

WITH A THREE-GRAM BOWL--YEAH.

I GOT ENOUGH TO GET IT DONE.

I MADE THE CUBAN SANDWICH.

I PUT IN THERE THE GRAM OF WEED,AND THEN A GRAM OF HASH,

AND THEN A GRAM OF WEEDON TOP OF IT.

YEAH.

I HAD ENOUGH TO GET IT DONE.

TRUST ME.

TRUST ME, OKAY?

AND, UH, MAKE THE--MAKE THE CEREAL UP,

GET A LITTLE JUICY-POO,AND I TAKE IT ALL OUT

ONTO MY BACK DECK, OVERLOOKSTHE CANYON; IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I NEVER SMOKE WEED IN MY HOUSE.

I BELIEVE IN JESUS, AND, UH--[laughter]

[laughs]MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE.

JEWS!

ALL RIGHT?

SO FUNNY.

I GET DONE 45 MINUTES LATER.

I STAND UP.

I ALMOST HAD TO SIT DOWN,'CAUSE I'M STONED

LIKE A BIBLICAL WHORE.

OKAY, I'M LIKE--I FORGOT HOW GOOD

THIS WEED WAS.

JESUS!

AND I AM, RIGHT NOW, PROBABLYONE OF THE STONEDEDEST GUYS

I--I'VE EVER BEEN, OKAY?

THIS IS, LIKE, AS STONED--YES, THAT'S THE NEW SUPERLATIVE,

"STONEDEDEST," OKAY?

I HAVE EVER BEEN--I COULD BARELY COMPREHEND.

LIKE, MY WHOLE BODY FELT LIKE--LIKE IT'D BEEN ASLEEP,

LIKE, YOU EVER, LIKE,STAND UP LIKE YOU'VE BEEN

ON THE TOILET TOO LONG?

ALL RIGHT?

AND YOUR LEGS ARE ASLEEP?

OKAY?

I FELT THATFROM THE NECK DOWN, OKAY?

I'M LIKE--I PUT MY DISHES AWAY.

I PUT THE BONG BACK UP.

I GO TURN ON THE TV, AND CHARLESBARKLEY IS DOING COMMENTARY.

AND CHARLES BARKLEY KINDAFREAKS ME OUT WHEN I'M HIGH.

OKAY?

LIKE, I LOVE THE WAY HE TALKS,BUT IT'S HYPNOTIC AND

MESMERIZINGWHILE DISTURBING A LITTLE BIT

AT THE SAME TIME AND SCARY.

IT'S LIKE, "KEY TO WINNINGA CHAMPIONSHIP IS PENETRATION.

YOU GOT TO HAVEPENETRATION WHEN YOU WANNA

WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING RIGHTNOW.

YOU SEE DIRK NOWITZKI,HE'S DRIVING THE LANE,

GETTING DEEP PENETRATION.

THAT'S WHAT HE DOING RIGHT NOW,GETTING THAT PENETRATION.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S THE KEYTO WINNING A CHAMPIONSHIP,

GETTING THAT PENETRATION,GET EASY POINTS IN THE PAINT."

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, IN MY HEAD, I'M HEARING,[slow, garbled voice] "KEY TO

WINNING THE CHAMPIONSHIPIS PENETRATION...

GET THE CHAMPIONSHIP."

LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHERTO TURN IT OFF OR UP, OKAY?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

AND THAT'SWHEN THE DOOR FLIES OPEN,

AND MY WIFE IS STANDING THEREGOING, "OH, MY GOD!

KELLY'S DOGJUST HAD A HEART ATTACK!"

ALL RIGHT?

AND I'M LIKE, "NOOO!"AND SHE'S LIKE,

"WATCH THESE KIDS.

OH, MY GOD,ARE YOU STONED?"

"LIKE A GRAVEL ROAD, BITCH.

LIKE A GRAVEL ROAD."

[cheers and applause]

MY WIFE'S PISSED.

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL GETIT TOGETHER, FAT ASS!"

AND SLAMMED THE DOOR.

NOW, THIS IS THE FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER BEEN HIGH

ANYWHERE NEAR MY KIDS, ANDTHIS IS FREAKING ME OUT, MAN.

I'M LOOKING DOWNAT THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL ANGELS,

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO."

AND I FIGURE THAT THE BESTDEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE,

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY, BABIES,UM, WHAT DO Y'ALL WANNA DO?"

AND MY DAUGHTER APRILIS A LITTLE BIT OF A TV JUNKIE,

SO SHE'S LIKE,"DADDY, IT MIGHT BE NICE

IF WE WATCH SOME CARTOONSOR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW."

AND I'M LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE SUCH A SMART BABY.

I WAS THINKINGABOUT WATCHING CARTOONS.

YOU'RE SO SMART.

>> THERE'S ONE BOOGEYMAN THATAIN'T GONNA GET ANYBODY ANYMORE,

AND THAT'S OLD BIN LADEN.

BIN LADEN DONE GOT GOT.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

I KNOW.

IF I TOLD YOU TEN YEARS AGOTHAT, UH, IT WOULD BE THE NAVY

THAT GOT BIN LADEN,YOU'D BE LIKE, "STOP!

THERE'S NO WATER THERE!

WHAT, THEY DROPA BOAT ON HIS ASS?"

I MEAN, COME ON, SON.

THOSE NAVY SEALS, BOY, THEYHANDLED THEIR BUSINESS, JACK.

GOT IN...

KILLED HIS ASS.

THEN THEY THREW HIM IN THE OCEANLIKE A DECEPTICON.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

OKAY, THESE NAVY SEALS THATDID THEIR JOB EXPEDITIOUSLY

THAT ARE AMAZING INDIVIDUALS,WOULD YOU FEEL--

LOOK IN YOUR HEARTS.

WOULD YOU FEEL ANY DIFFERENTABOUT THOSE MEN

ON SEAL TEAM SIX WHO BROUGHTBIN LADEN TO JUSTICE

IF YOU FOUND OUT THAT THEY HADSLEPT WITH A COUPLE OF DUDES

IN THEIR LIFE BEFORE?

>> HELL, NO!

>> HELL, NO! RIGHT?

IT'D BE LIKE,"[bleep], YOU'RE A HERO," RIGHT?

HELL, YEAH!

GIVE THAT BOY SOME RIBBONS.

I KNOW THEY LOVE RIBBONS.

AND GET HIM A BABY BLUE RIBBONTO GO AROUND HIS NECK.

OOH, BETTER YET,LET'S HAVE A PARADE!

LET'S HAVE A PARADE!

THAT'D BE AWESOME.

I KNOW WE JUST REPEALEDDON'T ASK DON'T TELL,

BUT PEOPLE STILL HAVEA PROBLEM WITH IT.

YOU CAN BE ANYTHING,BUT IF YOU WANNA RAISE YOUR HAND

AND SERVE THIS COUNTRY,YOU CAN'T DO IT.

YOU CAN'T PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, BECAUSE YOUSLEEP WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WHATWE WERE SAYING.

LIKE, REALLY?

LIKE, YOU'RE AFRAIDYOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

MARCH WITHOUT, YOU KNOW,SUCKING EACH OTHER OFF,

YOU KNOW?

LEFT, TO YOUR LEFT--[gags]

REALLY?

REALLY?

IS THAT WHATWE'RE WORRIED ABOUT?

REALLY?

WE WON'T BE ABLETO SHOOT WITHOUT JUNK

HITTING THEM IN THE HEAD?

[high-pitched voice] STOP, STOP.

GET!

I'M TRYING TO BE A SNIPER,OKAY?

NOW GET!

IN A MINUTE.

JESUS!

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