Tyrone Biggums at School & Wrap It Up Box

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 01/29/2003

Crack addict Tyrone Biggums visits an elementary school; musical guest Mos Def.

DAVE CHAPPELLE ISNOT A PSYCHIC.

HE IS MERELY A RACIST,WHO BELIEVES THAT STEREOTYPES

DICTATE OUR FUTURES.

( woman's voice )My boyfriend saysmy butt's too big.

Why would he say that ?

My old boyfriendliked it just fine.

OKAY.

OKAY, HAVE YOUGAINED WEIGHT ?

No.

OKAY, SO YOUR CURRENTBOYFRIEND IS WHITE.

Oh my gosh, yes !

YEAH, AND YOUR OLD BOYFRIENDIS BLACK, AIN'T HE ?

Oh my god,how did you know that ?

BECAUSE A BROTHER CAN'T GETENOUGH OF THAT ASS.

HOLD UP,I'M SEEING SOMETHING...

IT'S YOUR PARENTS !

Oh, God.

THEY'RE ANGRY, REAL ANGRY !

THEY KICKED YOU OUT FOR DATINGA BLACK DUDE, DIDN'T THEY ?

Oh, my God, there's no wayyou could have known that

unless you knew me !

OR IF I DATEDFOUR WHITE GIRLS MYSELF.

THANKS FOR PLAYING.

DAVE CHAPPELLE'SINSIGHTS WILL ASTOUND YOU.

( man with foreign accent)Bueno, is this Dave Chappelle ?

ALL RIGHT, I'M HEARINGAN ACCENT.

YOU FROM SOUTHOF THE BORDER ?

You amaze me, man !

OH, HOLD ON, THERE...IS YOUR NAME MIGUEL ?

It is !

BAM !

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHTGO AHEAD, DOG.

So, David, I wasdriving on the freeway.

STOP-- DRIVING.

YOU DRIVE A PICKUP TRUCK,DON'T YOU, MIGUEL ?

Yes, I do.

AND YOU DON'T HAVEINSURANCE, DO YOU ?

No, I don't.

BAM !

SOMETIMES, DAVE WILL TALK WITH APHONY BALONEY JAMAICAN ACCENT.

( Jamaican accent )THE CARDS DON'T LIE !

LORD HAVE MERCY !

HELLO ?

( woman )Collect call froma correctional facility,

will you accept the charges ?

YES, I WILL.

Go ahead, sir.

ALL RIGHT, BEFORE YOUEVEN SAY ANYTHING,

YOU BLACK, AIN'T YOU ?

( man )Yo, this niggais off the hook !

WAIT A MINUTE,I SEE SOMETHING !

What ?

YOU GETTINGOUT OF JAIL !

Say word, son !

YOU'RE WALKING OUT,YOU ARE FREE AS A BIRD !

HOLD UP.

I'M SEEING SOMETHING--IT'S SIX WEEKS LATER...

YOU GOING RIGHT BACKIN THE JAIL

FOR THE SAME SHIT.

WHAT KINDA PSYCHIC--

( dial tone )

CALL THIS NUMBER NOW,AND LET DAVE

OR ONE OF HIS EDUCATEDGUESSERS TELL YOU YOUR FUTURE.

IT'S ONLY 99 CENTS FORTHE FIRST MINUTE,

2.50 EACH ADDITIONAL MINUTE.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOTTO HAVE YOUR FUTURE READ

BASED ON STEREOTYPES.

( Jamaican accent )CALL ME NOW FORA BUMBLE-CLOT READING !

( mumbling )

I DON'T KNOW IF YOUGUYS HAVE SEEN SOME THINGS

THAT WERE WRITTEN CALLING USCONTROVERSIAL,

WHICH I WAS SURPRISED ABOUT.

THAT'S THE THINGABOUT BEING ON TV,

YOU JUST NEVER CAN SAY WHATYOU WANNA SAY, MAN.

'CAUSE, IF I SAIDEVERYTHING I THOUGHT

IT WOULD JUST FREAKAMERICA OUT.

YOU WOULDN'T WANNAHEAR A YOUNG BLACK DUDE

SAYING HALF THE THINGSI BE THINKING.

THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE WOULDLISTEN TO THE STUFF I THINK

IS IF A PRETTY WHITE GIRLSANG MY THOUGHTS.

AND I ACTUALLY HAPPEN TOHAVE A PRETTY WHITE GIRL HERE.

PRETTY WHITE GIRL,COME ON OUT.

SHE'S IN MY CONTRACT.

( cheering )

GOOD EVENING,PRETTY WHITE WOMAN.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE SOME THINGSI NEED TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

♪ CRACK WAS INVENTEDAND DISTRIBUTED ♪

♪ TO INTENTIONALLYDESTROY THE BLACK COMMUNITY ♪

♪ AIDS WAS TOO ♪

♪ THE POLICE NEVER LOOK FORTUPAC AND BIGGIE'S MURDERERS ♪

♪ FUCK THE POLICE ♪

( applause )

♪ WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THATRECOUNT IN FLORIDA ♪

♪ O.J DIDN'T DO IT ♪

♪ ON SECOND THOUGHT,YEAH HE DID ♪

♪ GAY SEX IS GROSS ♪

♪ SORRY I JUSTFIND IT TO BE GROSS ♪

♪ UNLESS OF COURSETHEY'RE LESBIANS ♪

♪ I LIKE LESBIANS ♪

♪ I LIKELESBIANS ♪

FOR REAL,I LIKE LESBIANS.

BUT I DIGRESS FROMMY POINT...

♪ ALL CHINESEPEOPLE LOOK ALIKE ♪

♪ SO DO WHITE PEOPLE ♪

♪ PRETTY MUCHANYONE WHO ISN'T BLACK ♪

♪ LOOKS ALIKE TO ME ♪

♪ OH I WANT TO STICKMY THUMB IN J-LO'S BUTT ♪

♪ I WOULDN'T MIND STICKINGA FINGER OR TWO ♪

♪ UP THAT SINGINGWHITE GIRL'S BUTT EITHER ♪

♪ CALL ME ON MY CELL, 917-- ♪

( applause )

♪ AND NOW IT'S TIMETO COLLECT AD REVENUE ♪

♪ FOR COMEDY CENTRAL ♪

( cheering )

♪ REVENUE THEY DON'TSHARE WITH MY BLACK ASS ♪

( cheers & applause )

REAL SEX, STREET INTERVIEWS,TAKE ONE !

( cameraman )SOPHIA, WHAT'S THE CRAZIESTTHING YOU EVER DID SEXUALLY ?

UM, THE CRAZIEST THINGI EVER DID SEXUALLY--

OH, OH, OH,OKAY, OKAY, OKAY--

ONE TIME, I HAD A THREE WAY WITHTHESE TWO GUYS IN COLLEGE

AND MY SORORITY SISTERSWERE, LIKE, CHEERING ME ON.

YEAH, THAT'D BE IT,THAT'D BE IT.

( cameraman )WHAT ABOUT YOU, SIR ?

CRAZIEST THINGI EVER DID SEXUALLY ?

THAT'D PROBABLY BE HAVING SEXWITH OLD GANGBANG HERE,

WITHOUT A RUBBER.

WE'RE FUCKIN'DONE, MAN !

THIS DATE IS OVER !

WAIT A MINUTE,HOLD UP.

I'M KIDDING.

GET OFF ME.

Y'ALL TELL ANYBODY,I'LL KILL YOU !

I'LL KILL YOU !

♪ THE GOOFIESTCRACKHEAD IN THE TOWN ♪

PEANUT BUTTERAND CRACK SANDWICH !

♪ HE KICKED HIS HABITBACK IN THE JOINT ♪

♪ NOW HE'S BACK ON POINT ♪

LOOK OUT, CRACK,HERE I COME !

( crashing )

♪ HE'S FINALLY HOMEHE'S TYRONE ♪

( narrator )THIS WEEK, TYRONE VISITSA LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL

TO PROMOTE DRUG AWARENESS.

WE HAVE A VERYSPECIAL SURPRISE TODAY.

LET'S HEAR IT FORTYRONE BIGGUMS !

( applauding )

HI, KIDS !

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,TEACHER !

IT IS TRULY ANHONOR AND A PRIVILEGE

FOR ME TO BE HERE ATPINEHURST SCHOOL,

OR WHATEVER YOURSCHOOL IS CALLED TODAY.

I SAY IT'S A PRIVILEGE,

BECAUSE IT'S A VIOLATION OF MYPAROLE TO BE AROUND CHILDREN.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.

HELLO, LITTLE BOYSAND LITTLE GIRLS.

MM, MM, MM.

KIDS, Y'ALLARE LOOKING AT A DEAD MAN.

I SHOULD NOT BE IN FRONTOF YOU TODAY !

DRUGS AND ALCOHOLHAVE RUINED MY LIFE.

I STARTED DOING DRUGS WHEN I WASLITTLE, JUST LIKE YOU, FELLOW.

ME AND MYFRIENDS WOULD GO HOME

AND SMOKE MARIJUANAAFTER SCHOOL.

CAN YOU SAY MARIJUANA ?

( all the children )MARIJUANA.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS SMOKING.

SOMETIMES, DIPPEDIN EMBALMING FLUID.

AND ME AND MY FRIENDS WOULDLAUGH AND GIGGLE

AND EAT ALLTHE COOKIES !

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

TERRIBLE.

I CAN DEFINITELY SAY,

HE WAS THE ABSOLUTEWORST ANTI-DRUG SPEAKER

IN THE HISTORY OF DRUGS.

THEN I UPGRADED TOA LITTLE DRUG CALLED ACID--

VERY INEXPENSIVE AND AFFORDABLE.

EVEN YOUNG CHILDREN COULDAFFORD IT-- IT'S SO BAD.

I DID TWO HITS OF THATAND BUGS BUNNY AND SCOOBY DOO

AND ALL MY FAVORITE CARTOONHEROES CAME TO MY ROOM

AND ATE COOKIES WITH MEAND SANG SONGS FOR 16 HOURS.

GOD DAMN, TALKING ABOUT--

♪ TYRONE GO CLEAN UPYOUR ROOM ♪

AND MICKEY MOUSE WASDOING THE BASS LINE LIKE THIS,

♪ BA BA BA BOO,BA BA BA BOO ♪♪

AND THEN, HE BASICALLYTOLD THEM

WHERE AND HOWTO BUY THE STUFF.

WE ALL KNOW WE CAN SNEAK INTOOUR MAMA'S ROOM

WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING,

AND TAKE $5, $10,MAYBE $20 OUT HER PURSE,

RUN ON DOWN TO THIRD STREET,CATCH THE "D" BUS DOWNTOWN,

AND MEET A LATIN AMERICANFELLOW NAMED MARTINEZ--

WE KNOW THAT !

AND WE KNOW THAT MARTINEZ'STUFF IS THE BOMB !

KIDS, DRUGSIS ALL AROUND YOU.

HOW WILL I KNOW WHENDRUGS AROUND,

YOU MIGHTBE ASKING.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, USE YOURMAGIC MARKERS.

WHAT YOU THINK THISIS, SOME KIND OF CRAYON ?

NO.

TAKE THAT CAP OFF AND SNIFF IT.AND YOU BE HIGH.

AND THESE LITTLE ONESARE 10 AND 11 YEARS OLD.

YOU !

YOU KNOW WHAT DOG FOODTASTES LIKE ?

DO YOU ?

IT TASTES JUSTLIKE IT SMELLS...

DELICIOUS !

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOWI GO TO THE BATHROOM.

HA, HA, HA, HA !

HA !

( farting )

I THOUGHTTHE WORST WAS OVER.

I WAS MISTAKEN.

THAT, CHILDREN,WAS THE FIRST TIME

I SUCKED A DICKFOR CRACK.

BUT IT WOULDN'T BE THE LAST.

WHY, ONE TIME,I SEEN MARTINEZ--

I'M TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING.

THANK YOU FOR THAT LOVELYAND MOVING AND GRAPHIC STORY.

YOU'RE WELCOME,TEACHER BITCH !

I'M NOT FINISHED,BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

UM, CAN I GET CASHFOR THIS ?

I GOT SOME ERRANDS TO RUN,

AND I DON'T THINKI'M GONNA MAKE THE BANK.

UM, UH, UH--

IT'S MY MONEY, BITCH !

I EARNED IT !

GIVE ME MYSPEAKER'S FEE !

THANK YOU,KIDS !

GOODBYE !

♪ HE'S BEEN AWAY FOR AWHILEBUT HE'S BACK AROUND ♪

♪ THE GOOFIESTCRACKHEAD IN THE TOWN ♪

♪ HE KICKED HIS HABITBACK IN THE JOINT ♪

♪ NOW HE'S BACK ON POINT ♪

♪ HE'S FINALLY HOMEHE'S TYRONE ♪

( cheering )

GET PLAYED OFF BYTHE HOUSE ORCHESTRA

WHEN THEIR SPEECH RUNS ONTOO LONG.

MY PARENTS WERE REALLYDISAPPOINTED

WHEN I DROPPED OUTOF SCHOOL FOR THAT YEAR,

BUT I FELT LIKE I REALLY JUSTNEEDED TO FIND MYSELF.

WORD ?

BUT THEN, YOU KNOW,I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT ?

LET ME JUST GO TO HOWARD LIKEMY FATHER, YOU KNOW ?

WELL, THEN, MY GIRLFRIENDGINA, SHE CALLED ME UP,

SHE SAID, "GIRL, YOU HAVEGOT TO GET DOWN TO EMORY,

DOWN TO HOTLANTA !

I WAS LIKE GINA,NUMBER ONE,

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME UP,TRYING TO CONFUSE ME ?

YOU KNOW SPELMAN'SIN ATLANTA, TOO.

SECOND OF ALL, YOU KNOW I'MVACILLATING HERE, TRYING TO--

WITH "THE WRAP IT UP BOX,"

YOU'VE GOT THAT SAME POWER,RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET.

SO THEN I JUST WENT TO HOWARD,WHERE I MAJORED IN SOCIOLOGY,

AND MADE A LOT OF FRIENDSAND HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME !

SO THAT WAS COLLEGE,HOW ABOUT YOU ?

FROM THE MAKERS OFTHE HOME STENOGRAPHER COMES

"THE WRAP IT UP BOX" !

IT'S LIKE BEING THE DIRECTOROF AN AWARDS SHOW

EVERYWHERE YOU GO !

( pounding gavel )

YOUNG MAN, YOU'VE BEEN FOUNDGUILTY BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS.

THE CRIME YOU'VE COMMITTEDWAS VERY SERIOUS,

AND BEFORE I SENTENCE YOU,

I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDSABOUT YOUR ARREST RECORD--

WHAT THE HELL ?

YO, THE SIGNIS REAL SIMPLE, "B",

IT SAYS, "WRAP IT UP."

WRAP THATSHIT UP, "B" !

I DON'T THINK THAT'SA GOOD IDEA.

MAN, YOU WANT SOME TOO ?

YOU'D BETTERWRAP IT UP !

( pounding gavel )

YOU'D BETTER WRAPTHAT GAVEL UP, "B" !

THAT'S WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S WHATI WAS TELLING YOU.

WITH "THE WRAP IT UP BOX,"THINGS WILL COME TO AN END

AT THE PERFECT TIME...

WHENEVER YOU WANTTHEM TO.

I'M GONNA ROCK IT TONIGHT !

HAVE YOU EVERFELT THIS IN YOUR LIFE ?

I'M TAKING YOU ONA JOURNEY, GIRL !

( moaning )

PSYCH !

PSYCH, YOU THOUGHTI WAS DONE, DIDN'T YOU ?

IT AIN'T OVER.

( music playing )

FOR REAL ?NOT EVEN CLOSE ?

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

HOLD ON, NOW, HANG INTHERE WITH ME.

HOW ABOUT THAT ?

HEY,CAN YOU READ ?

WRAP IT UP.

YOU NEEDTO WRAP IT UP !

WRAP IT UP !( moaning )

THAT'S A WRAP !

WOO !

"THE WRAP IT UP BOX,"IN STORES NOW !

AVAILABLE AT ALL WALDBAUM'S.

♪ STOP SKIPPING YOURREMEDIAL CLASS ♪

Loading...