Brian Regan & Jonathan Solomon

  • Season 1, Ep 0110
  • 02/24/1992

THERE'S A VERY BEAUTIFULELDERLY COUPLE BACK THERE.

YOU REMIND MEOF MY GRANDPARENTS.

I WISH THEY WERE ALIVE.

THERE'S NO WOODTO BE SEEN ON THIS SET.

A TRANSSEXUAL PARROT--A PARROT LIVES UP THERE

AND A MARIONETTE WHO TRIEDTO COMMIT SUICIDE

LIVES IN THIS CAGE--FABULOUS SET.

BUT, NO, THEY WERE LIKE--

MY GRANDPARENTS--MAY THEY REST IN PEACE--

THEY LIVED IN A LITTLE DEATHAND BREAKFAST PLACE IN FLORIDA.

ACTUALLY, THEY WERE VERYSWEET, BUT THEY WERE--

THEY WERE IN THIS YIDDISH CIRCUSIN RUSSIA

AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.

MY GRANDFATHER WASA JEWISH JUGGLER.

HIS ACT-- HE USEDTO CLOSE HIS ACT--

I WAS TOLD-- HE USED TO WORRYABOUT SIX THINGS AT ONCE.

THAT WAS HIS CLOSE.

( laughter )

MY GRANDMOTHER RAN THE "I'LLGUESS YOUR WORST FEARS" BOOTH.

THAT WAS HER GIG.

SHE HAD ANTIQUE DOLLSWITH COLITIS-- IT WAS SAD--

AROUND THE HOUSE,AND ONE OF HER HOBBIES--

SHE ACTUALLY KNITTED HER WILL,WHICH WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSING.

THE REALLY DEPRESSING THING--SHE USED TO SING ME TO SLEEP.

IT WAS LIKE A NEGATIVE LULLABY

AND SHE MEANT WELL,BUT IT WAS LIKE--

I WAS, LIKE, THREE,SHE WAS 100.

THEN I WAS SIX, SHE WAS 103.

IT KEPT GOING UP LIKE THAT.

I LOVED HER.

SHE MEANT WELL, BUT SHE'D GO

♪ GO TO SLEEP, LITTLE RICHIE

♪ EVEN THOUGH THERE'S A HISTORYOF ANGINA IN THE FAMILY ♪

♪ AND IT'S SNOWING OUT, AND YOURFATHER-- LOOK OUT THE WINDOW ♪

♪ HE MIGHT GET A HEART ATTACK

♪ AND YOU'LL NEVERGET AN ERECTION AGAIN. ♪

I GUESS I GOT AN ERECTIONWHEN I WAS BORN.

THAT'S WHY SHE WAS WAY OFF

SO I LOST TOTAL RESPECTFOR HER INITIALLY.

I HAD TO OVERCOME THAT.

HOW YOU FEELING?

( reaction )

I DIDN'T THINK YOU HEARD ITTHE FIRST TIME.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.

I HOPE I DON'T SAYANYTHING STUPID TONIGHT.

I ALWAYS DO.

YOU EVER SAY A PHRASEYOU SAY ALL THE TIME

AT THE WRONG TIME--SOMETHING LIKE, "YOU, TOO."

I WAS GETTING OUTOF A CAB AT THE AIRPORT

AND THE DRIVER GOES,"HAVE A NICE FLIGHT."

"YOU, TOO."

( laughter )

"YOU, TOO-- YOU HAVEA NICE FLIGHT, TOO

IN CASE YOU EVER FLY SOMEDAY."

DON'T ANYBODY LOOK AT ME.

I'M A MORON.

DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SAYTHE "YOU, TOO" PHRASE.

LIKE, A WAITRESS WILL SAY,"HEY, ENJOY YOUR MEAL."

"YOU, TOO.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ONE

"DO YOU?

"IF YOU DO EAT, ENJOY IT, IF YOUHAVE A BREAK OR SOMETHING.

"LATER PERHAPS.

"MAYBE YOU CAN ENJOY ITAT THAT TIME.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

I'M ALWAYS PUTTING MY FOOTIN MY MOUTH, TOO.

I MET THIS WOMAN, AND I COULDHAVE SWORN SHE WAS PREGNANT.

LET ME TELL YOU

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEATO GUESS AT THAT ONE.

SO I SAID, "HEY,WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?"

YOU EVER FEEL THAT WORDCOMING UP BUT YOU CAN'T STOP IT?

"HEY, WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?

"HEY, WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?

"THE BABY?

THE BABY DUE...?"

"WHAT BABY?"

"OH... SH...

"AT THE ZOO... THE PANDAS.

"LING-LING.

"HOW'S LING-LING DOING?

"I JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK YOU,A COMPLETE STRANGER

"IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUTTHE PANDAS... AT THE ZOO?

AT THE ZOO."

IS WHEN YOU WALKINTO A SPIDER WEB, RIGHT?

BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE SEESTHAT SPIDER WEB.

THEY JUST SEE YOUWALKING OFF IN THE DISTANCE

SUDDENLY FLIPPING OUTFOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER--

JUST WALKING ALONG, YOU KNOW

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, "WHOA!"

"WHOA!"

"DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?"

"YEAH, HE JUST SNAPPED.

"HE WAS WALKING ALONG.

"HE JUST WENT NUTSNEAR THAT TREE.

LOOK, HE'S STILL DOING IT."

( laughter and applause )

IT'S THE SAME THING

WHEN A BEE CHASES YOU.

NOBODY SEES THE BEE.

THEY JUST SEE YOU GOING, "OH..."

"HEY, IS THAT GUY WAVING TO US?"

OH...

"HELLO, HI."

OH...

"WHO IS THAT GUY?

"I HOPE WE DON'T HAVETO TALK TO HIM.

HI, FROM A DISTANCE."

OH...

WEIRD GUY.

( laughter )

I CAN'T WORK A WATER FOUNTAINWITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.

I DON'T CHECKTHE FORCE OF THE WATER

BEFORE I STICK MY FACE IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, "WHUP-AH."

I NEEDED A NASAL LUBERIGHT THEN.

I FEEL LIKE A WATER-WIGGLE--

THE WATER GOES UP ONE NOSTRILAND DOWN THE OTHER

LIFTING MY FEET OFF THE GROUND.

WHOA!

"IT'S THE WATER-WIGGLE GUY."

I'M USED TO WATER FOUNTAINSTHAT DRIBBLE OUT SO LITTLE

YOU HAVE TO MAKE EMBARRASSINGSUCKING NOISES TO GET MOISTURE.

( sucking )

"I'M VERY THIRSTY.

"I'VE BEEN EATINGCRACKERS AND SAND.

"I JUST GOT OUT OF THE DESERT.

I'M PARCHED."

( laughter )

I JUST SIT AROUND AND WATCH TV.

I WATCHED A MONSTER-TRUCK PULLTODAY ON TV.

YOU EVER WATCH THOSE?

( light applause )

MY FAVORITE PART ISTHE INTERVIEWS AFTER THE RACE

WHEN THEY TALK TO THESE GUYS.

THEY TALK LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT...

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKINGDURING THAT RUN, EARL?"

"I WAS GOING PRETTY GOOD

"AND THEN THE HIND-COILPINBURNER STARTED SMOKING.

"THE BACK-END FLAT VALVE STARTEDVIBRATING LIKE A SON OF A B.

I KNEW RIGHT THENI HAD TO GUN IT."

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

LIKE YOU FOLLOW HIM AT HOME--

"THE HIGH-PIN...OH, SURE, YOU HAD TO GUN IT.

THERE WAS NO CHOICEAT THAT POINT, EARL."

DO THAT WHEN YOU HAVECAR TROUBLE.

"I'M HEARING SOMETHING SMOKE,I'M GOING TO GUN IT."

"WHY ARE YOU TALKINGLIKE THAT, HAROLD?"

"HANG ON, LOOK."

"DON'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE FRIGHTENINGTHE CHILDREN."

"THE FLAT-VALVE PINIS SPURTING OIL."

( barking )

"HAROLD, STOP THAT."

( laughter )

I SAW EVEL KNIEVEL TODAYON A TALK SHOW, TOO.

I LIKE HIM.

I FEEL BAD, THOUGH, BECAUSEEVERY TIME HE'S ON A TALK SHOW

THEY ALWAYS SHOW HIMTHAT FOOTAGE

OF HIM WIPING OUTAT CAESAR'S PALACE.

I'M SURE HE WANTSTO RELIVE THAT.

"HEY, REMEMBER THAT DAY, EVEL?"

"OH, NO...

"OH, THAT DAY, OH...

OH, YEAH."

THEY'RE ALWAYS ASKINGWHAT HE WAS THINKING

RIGHT BEFORE HE HITTHE PAVEMENT.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BEFOREYOU HIT THE PAVEMENT, EVEL?"

"I REMEMBER THINKING, 'HEY,DID I TURN OFF THE IRON?'

( laughter )

"THEN MY LEG CRACKED IN HALF.

"THEN I WAS GOING, 'HEY,MAYBE I SHOULD GET A PUPPY.'

( laughter )

"WHAT DO YOU THINKI WAS THINKING?

"I WAS THINKING: ( screaming )

"SOMETHING LIKE THAT,IF I REMEMBER RIGHT.

"LET ME GO BACK-- YEAH,THAT WAS IT: ( screaming )

"I BELIEVE THOSEWERE MY THOUGHTS.

HOPE I CRYSTALLIZED THEMFOR YOU."

EVER WATCH FISHINGFOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES

AND THEN JUST GO,"BOY, I BETTER GET A LIFE."

( laughter )

I'M WATCHING FISHING.

I'M NOT EVEN FISHING--I'M WATCHI FISHING.

I'M TAPING FISHING.

I HAVE A FISHING TAPE.

"HEY, COME ON OVER,I GOT A FISHING TAPE.

"YOU COME OVER, WE'LL WATCH IT.

IT'S CALLED 'TWO GUYSFISHING ON A FISHING TAPE.'"

( laughter )

YOU WATCH A FISHING SHOW,AT THE END THEY ROLL CREDITS.

THERE'S 90 PEOPLE INVOLVEDWITH THESE TWO GUYS FISHING.

WHAT THE HELLARE THEY ALL DOING?

ONE OF THE CREDITS IS,"FILM EDITOR."

THIS POOR GUY'S GOT TO WATCHALL THE FOOTAGE

THAT'S NOT EXCITING ENOUGH TOMAKE IT INTO THE FINAL PRODUCT.

( applause )

HIS LIFE MUST BE HELL WATCHINGFISHING FOOTAGE ALL DAY

GOING, "NO... NO.

"NO... NO.

"OH, RIGHT THERE, YEAH,HE PUT THE WORM ON A HOOK.

"THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

"WE NEED THAT, WE NEED THAT.

"HEY, YOU KNOWTHAT TWO-HOUR PERIOD

"WHERE NEITHER OF THEM MOVE?

( laughter )

"YEAH, WE'LL HAVE TO TIGHTEN THAT UP A LITTLE BIT.

MAKE A LITTLE JUMP CUT."

ONE OF THE CREDITS WAS WRITER.

THERE'S A WRITER FOR THAT.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE WRITING?

DIALOGUE, LIKE"OOH, SHE'S A BEAUTY."

( laughter )

"HEY, I THINK I'M GOINGTO THROW HER BACK IN."

I GUESS THESE FISHERMENGOT TO LEARN THEIR LINES.

THEY CATCH A FISH-- "OH, SHE'SA BEAUTY FISH-- A BEAUTY FISH."

"COME ON, MAN, GET YOUR LINE."

"OH, IT'S A FISH,AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FISH."

"HEY, THE SUN'S GOING DOWN,COME ON."

"THIS FISH IS BIG,IT'S A BIG FISH."

"CUT, CUT-- SUN'S DOWN,WE'RE OUT OF LIGHT, MAN.

"YOU BLEW IT-- YOU ALL GOTTO COME OUT TOMORROW.

DO ME A FAVOR,LEARN YOUR LINE, HUH?"

"THE FISH IS A BEAUTY FISH.

IT'S A FISH BEAUTY."

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BADFOR THE DONUT LADIES

IN THESE DONUT PLACES

BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN NEVERMAKE UP THEIR MIND.

BUT THE DONUT LADIES KNOWHOW TO GET BACK AT YOU.

THEY DO THE SUBTRACTION OUT LOUDAND MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

"I'LL TAKE A DOZEN DONUTS.

I'LL START WITHSEVEN CHOCOLATE."

"YOU HAVE FIVE LEFT."

"OH...

( laughter )

"OH, HOW MANY?

"I HAVE FIVE DONUTS LEFT,EVERYBODY.

"IF I ORDER ONE MORE,THEN HOW MANY WOULD I HAVE LEFT?

"HOW MANY WOULD I HAVEAT THAT POINT

"IF I ORDER ANOTHERDONUT RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S MY QUESTION, DONUT LADY."

YOU'D THINK THE DONUTLADIES WOULD JUST SNAP

AND SHOOT SOMEBODY, YOU KNOW?

"UM, YEAH, I'LL TAKEA DOZEN DONUTS.

"I'LL START WITH FOUR CHOCOLATEAND TWO STRAWBERRY

"AND THREE BAVARIANCRUNCH TWISTS

"AND FOUR, NO, FIVE STRAWBERRY--NO, ONE HONEY WAGON TWIST--

"NO, THREE, NO, TWO.

NO, ONE-- ONE, PUT THEM BACK."

"LET'S GO OUTSIDEAND THINK IT OVER, HUH?"

THAT'S IT FOR ME.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR HIM.

I'M ACCEPTING AN APPLAUSEFOR ANOTHER PERSON.

I HAD, LIKE, AN OUT-OF-COMICEXPERIENCE--

A LITTLE FRIGHTENING.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN COMPLAININGEARLIER IN THE SHOW

BUT HEY, EVEN DRIVING TODAY,L.A.P.D. PULLED ME OVER.

I WENT, "OH, NO,WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?"

HE SAID, "STOP BLAMINGYOUR CHILDHOOD."

SO IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

BUT MY GRANDPARENTS,I SWEAR, I SWEAR.

I MEAN, THEIR CATONLY HAD TWO LIVES.

THEY WERE NEGATIVE PEOPLE.

THEY WERE LIKE... LIVINGWITH THEM FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS

I MEAN, LIKE,WE'D BE SITTING AROUND THE TABLE

AND MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD SAY

BEFORE EVERY SENTENCE, I SWEAR,"BEFORE I DEPART THIS EARTH...

COULD YOU PASS THE KETCHUP?"

WE'RE WAITING FOR...THAT KIND OF THING.

AND MY GRANDFATHER--I USED TO WATCH HIM SLEEP

BECAUSE HE WAS SO INTERESTING,LIKE A VAN GOGH KIND OF GUY.

HE USED TO SLEEP

LIKE THIS: ( snores )

"AH, I'M A FAILURE,I'M A LOSER, I'M NOWHERE."

( laughter )

HIS BUSINESS CAREERWENT INTO THE TOILET

BECAUSE HE WAS SO NEGATIVE.

HE ACTUALLY OPENED UP--IT WAS A NIGHTMARE--

HE OPENED UP THIS THING--T.G.I. YOM KIPPUR

WHICH REALLY BACKFIRED.

IT WENT OUT OF BUSINESSTHE FIRST DAY.

PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER

THE MAITRE D' WITHTHE SKULLCAP WENT

"I'M SORRY, WE DON'T EAT TODAY.

THERE'S NO FOOD."

BUT THEY WERE SWEET.

WHEN THEY PASSED AWAY,IN THEIR WILL

THEY LEFT THEIR GRIEF TO SCIENCE

WHICH I FELT WAS A NICE THING.