Brian Regan & Jonathan Solomon

  • Season 1, Ep 0110
  • 02/24/1992

THERE'S A VERY BEAUTIFULELDERLY COUPLE BACK THERE.

YOU REMIND MEOF MY GRANDPARENTS.

I WISH THEY WERE ALIVE.

THERE'S NO WOODTO BE SEEN ON THIS SET.

A TRANSSEXUAL PARROT--A PARROT LIVES UP THERE

AND A MARIONETTE WHO TRIEDTO COMMIT SUICIDE

LIVES IN THIS CAGE--FABULOUS SET.

BUT, NO, THEY WERE LIKE--

MY GRANDPARENTS--MAY THEY REST IN PEACE--

THEY LIVED IN A LITTLE DEATHAND BREAKFAST PLACE IN FLORIDA.

ACTUALLY, THEY WERE VERYSWEET, BUT THEY WERE--

THEY WERE IN THIS YIDDISH CIRCUSIN RUSSIA

AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.

MY GRANDFATHER WASA JEWISH JUGGLER.

HIS ACT-- HE USEDTO CLOSE HIS ACT--

I WAS TOLD-- HE USED TO WORRYABOUT SIX THINGS AT ONCE.

THAT WAS HIS CLOSE.

( laughter )

MY GRANDMOTHER RAN THE "I'LLGUESS YOUR WORST FEARS" BOOTH.

THAT WAS HER GIG.

SHE HAD ANTIQUE DOLLSWITH COLITIS-- IT WAS SAD--

AROUND THE HOUSE,AND ONE OF HER HOBBIES--

SHE ACTUALLY KNITTED HER WILL,WHICH WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSING.

THE REALLY DEPRESSING THING--SHE USED TO SING ME TO SLEEP.

IT WAS LIKE A NEGATIVE LULLABY

AND SHE MEANT WELL,BUT IT WAS LIKE--

I WAS, LIKE, THREE,SHE WAS 100.

THEN I WAS SIX, SHE WAS 103.

IT KEPT GOING UP LIKE THAT.

I LOVED HER.

SHE MEANT WELL, BUT SHE'D GO

♪ GO TO SLEEP, LITTLE RICHIE

♪ EVEN THOUGH THERE'S A HISTORYOF ANGINA IN THE FAMILY ♪

♪ AND IT'S SNOWING OUT, AND YOURFATHER-- LOOK OUT THE WINDOW ♪

♪ HE MIGHT GET A HEART ATTACK

♪ AND YOU'LL NEVERGET AN ERECTION AGAIN. ♪

I GUESS I GOT AN ERECTIONWHEN I WAS BORN.

THAT'S WHY SHE WAS WAY OFF

SO I LOST TOTAL RESPECTFOR HER INITIALLY.

I HAD TO OVERCOME THAT.

HOW YOU FEELING?

( reaction )

I DIDN'T THINK YOU HEARD ITTHE FIRST TIME.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.

I HOPE I DON'T SAYANYTHING STUPID TONIGHT.

I ALWAYS DO.

YOU EVER SAY A PHRASEYOU SAY ALL THE TIME

AT THE WRONG TIME--SOMETHING LIKE, "YOU, TOO."

I WAS GETTING OUTOF A CAB AT THE AIRPORT

AND THE DRIVER GOES,"HAVE A NICE FLIGHT."

"YOU, TOO."

( laughter )

"YOU, TOO-- YOU HAVEA NICE FLIGHT, TOO

IN CASE YOU EVER FLY SOMEDAY."

DON'T ANYBODY LOOK AT ME.

I'M A MORON.

DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SAYTHE "YOU, TOO" PHRASE.

LIKE, A WAITRESS WILL SAY,"HEY, ENJOY YOUR MEAL."

"YOU, TOO.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ONE

"DO YOU?

"IF YOU DO EAT, ENJOY IT, IF YOUHAVE A BREAK OR SOMETHING.

"LATER PERHAPS.

"MAYBE YOU CAN ENJOY ITAT THAT TIME.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

I'M ALWAYS PUTTING MY FOOTIN MY MOUTH, TOO.

I MET THIS WOMAN, AND I COULDHAVE SWORN SHE WAS PREGNANT.

LET ME TELL YOU

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEATO GUESS AT THAT ONE.

SO I SAID, "HEY,WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?"

YOU EVER FEEL THAT WORDCOMING UP BUT YOU CAN'T STOP IT?

"HEY, WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?

"HEY, WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?

"THE BABY?

THE BABY DUE...?"

"WHAT BABY?"

"OH... SH...

"AT THE ZOO... THE PANDAS.

"LING-LING.

"HOW'S LING-LING DOING?

"I JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK YOU,A COMPLETE STRANGER

"IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUTTHE PANDAS... AT THE ZOO?

AT THE ZOO."

IS WHEN YOU WALKINTO A SPIDER WEB, RIGHT?

BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE SEESTHAT SPIDER WEB.

THEY JUST SEE YOUWALKING OFF IN THE DISTANCE

SUDDENLY FLIPPING OUTFOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER--

JUST WALKING ALONG, YOU KNOW

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, "WHOA!"

"WHOA!"

"DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?"

"YEAH, HE JUST SNAPPED.

"HE WAS WALKING ALONG.

"HE JUST WENT NUTSNEAR THAT TREE.

LOOK, HE'S STILL DOING IT."

( laughter and applause )

IT'S THE SAME THING

WHEN A BEE CHASES YOU.

NOBODY SEES THE BEE.

THEY JUST SEE YOU GOING, "OH..."

"HEY, IS THAT GUY WAVING TO US?"

OH...

"HELLO, HI."

OH...

"WHO IS THAT GUY?

"I HOPE WE DON'T HAVETO TALK TO HIM.

HI, FROM A DISTANCE."

OH...

WEIRD GUY.

( laughter )

I CAN'T WORK A WATER FOUNTAINWITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.

I DON'T CHECKTHE FORCE OF THE WATER

BEFORE I STICK MY FACE IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, "WHUP-AH."

I NEEDED A NASAL LUBERIGHT THEN.

I FEEL LIKE A WATER-WIGGLE--

THE WATER GOES UP ONE NOSTRILAND DOWN THE OTHER

LIFTING MY FEET OFF THE GROUND.

WHOA!

"IT'S THE WATER-WIGGLE GUY."

I'M USED TO WATER FOUNTAINSTHAT DRIBBLE OUT SO LITTLE

YOU HAVE TO MAKE EMBARRASSINGSUCKING NOISES TO GET MOISTURE.

( sucking )

"I'M VERY THIRSTY.

"I'VE BEEN EATINGCRACKERS AND SAND.

"I JUST GOT OUT OF THE DESERT.

I'M PARCHED."

( laughter )

I JUST SIT AROUND AND WATCH TV.

I WATCHED A MONSTER-TRUCK PULLTODAY ON TV.

YOU EVER WATCH THOSE?

( light applause )

MY FAVORITE PART ISTHE INTERVIEWS AFTER THE RACE

WHEN THEY TALK TO THESE GUYS.

THEY TALK LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT...

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKINGDURING THAT RUN, EARL?"

"I WAS GOING PRETTY GOOD

"AND THEN THE HIND-COILPINBURNER STARTED SMOKING.

"THE BACK-END FLAT VALVE STARTEDVIBRATING LIKE A SON OF A B.

I KNEW RIGHT THENI HAD TO GUN IT."

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

LIKE YOU FOLLOW HIM AT HOME--

"THE HIGH-PIN...OH, SURE, YOU HAD TO GUN IT.

THERE WAS NO CHOICEAT THAT POINT, EARL."

DO THAT WHEN YOU HAVECAR TROUBLE.

"I'M HEARING SOMETHING SMOKE,I'M GOING TO GUN IT."

"WHY ARE YOU TALKINGLIKE THAT, HAROLD?"

"HANG ON, LOOK."

"DON'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE FRIGHTENINGTHE CHILDREN."

"THE FLAT-VALVE PINIS SPURTING OIL."

( barking )

"HAROLD, STOP THAT."

( laughter )

I SAW EVEL KNIEVEL TODAYON A TALK SHOW, TOO.

I LIKE HIM.

I FEEL BAD, THOUGH, BECAUSEEVERY TIME HE'S ON A TALK SHOW

THEY ALWAYS SHOW HIMTHAT FOOTAGE

OF HIM WIPING OUTAT CAESAR'S PALACE.

I'M SURE HE WANTSTO RELIVE THAT.

"HEY, REMEMBER THAT DAY, EVEL?"

"OH, NO...

"OH, THAT DAY, OH...

OH, YEAH."

THEY'RE ALWAYS ASKINGWHAT HE WAS THINKING

RIGHT BEFORE HE HITTHE PAVEMENT.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BEFOREYOU HIT THE PAVEMENT, EVEL?"

"I REMEMBER THINKING, 'HEY,DID I TURN OFF THE IRON?'

( laughter )

"THEN MY LEG CRACKED IN HALF.

"THEN I WAS GOING, 'HEY,MAYBE I SHOULD GET A PUPPY.'

( laughter )

"WHAT DO YOU THINKI WAS THINKING?

"I WAS THINKING: ( screaming )

"SOMETHING LIKE THAT,IF I REMEMBER RIGHT.

"LET ME GO BACK-- YEAH,THAT WAS IT: ( screaming )

"I BELIEVE THOSEWERE MY THOUGHTS.

HOPE I CRYSTALLIZED THEMFOR YOU."

EVER WATCH FISHINGFOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES

AND THEN JUST GO,"BOY, I BETTER GET A LIFE."

( laughter )

I'M WATCHING FISHING.

I'M NOT EVEN FISHING--I'M WATCHI FISHING.

I'M TAPING FISHING.

I HAVE A FISHING TAPE.

"HEY, COME ON OVER,I GOT A FISHING TAPE.

"YOU COME OVER, WE'LL WATCH IT.

IT'S CALLED 'TWO GUYSFISHING ON A FISHING TAPE.'"

( laughter )

YOU WATCH A FISHING SHOW,AT THE END THEY ROLL CREDITS.

THERE'S 90 PEOPLE INVOLVEDWITH THESE TWO GUYS FISHING.

WHAT THE HELLARE THEY ALL DOING?

ONE OF THE CREDITS IS,"FILM EDITOR."

THIS POOR GUY'S GOT TO WATCHALL THE FOOTAGE

THAT'S NOT EXCITING ENOUGH TOMAKE IT INTO THE FINAL PRODUCT.

( applause )

HIS LIFE MUST BE HELL WATCHINGFISHING FOOTAGE ALL DAY

GOING, "NO... NO.

"NO... NO.

"OH, RIGHT THERE, YEAH,HE PUT THE WORM ON A HOOK.

"THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

"WE NEED THAT, WE NEED THAT.

"HEY, YOU KNOWTHAT TWO-HOUR PERIOD

"WHERE NEITHER OF THEM MOVE?

( laughter )

"YEAH, WE'LL HAVE TO TIGHTEN THAT UP A LITTLE BIT.

MAKE A LITTLE JUMP CUT."

ONE OF THE CREDITS WAS WRITER.

THERE'S A WRITER FOR THAT.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE WRITING?

DIALOGUE, LIKE"OOH, SHE'S A BEAUTY."

( laughter )

"HEY, I THINK I'M GOINGTO THROW HER BACK IN."

I GUESS THESE FISHERMENGOT TO LEARN THEIR LINES.

THEY CATCH A FISH-- "OH, SHE'SA BEAUTY FISH-- A BEAUTY FISH."

"COME ON, MAN, GET YOUR LINE."

"OH, IT'S A FISH,AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FISH."

"HEY, THE SUN'S GOING DOWN,COME ON."

"THIS FISH IS BIG,IT'S A BIG FISH."

"CUT, CUT-- SUN'S DOWN,WE'RE OUT OF LIGHT, MAN.

"YOU BLEW IT-- YOU ALL GOTTO COME OUT TOMORROW.

DO ME A FAVOR,LEARN YOUR LINE, HUH?"

"THE FISH IS A BEAUTY FISH.

IT'S A FISH BEAUTY."

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BADFOR THE DONUT LADIES

IN THESE DONUT PLACES

BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN NEVERMAKE UP THEIR MIND.

BUT THE DONUT LADIES KNOWHOW TO GET BACK AT YOU.

THEY DO THE SUBTRACTION OUT LOUDAND MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

"I'LL TAKE A DOZEN DONUTS.

I'LL START WITHSEVEN CHOCOLATE."

"YOU HAVE FIVE LEFT."

"OH...

( laughter )

"OH, HOW MANY?

"I HAVE FIVE DONUTS LEFT,EVERYBODY.

"IF I ORDER ONE MORE,THEN HOW MANY WOULD I HAVE LEFT?

"HOW MANY WOULD I HAVEAT THAT POINT

"IF I ORDER ANOTHERDONUT RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S MY QUESTION, DONUT LADY."

YOU'D THINK THE DONUTLADIES WOULD JUST SNAP

AND SHOOT SOMEBODY, YOU KNOW?

"UM, YEAH, I'LL TAKEA DOZEN DONUTS.

"I'LL START WITH FOUR CHOCOLATEAND TWO STRAWBERRY

"AND THREE BAVARIANCRUNCH TWISTS

"AND FOUR, NO, FIVE STRAWBERRY--NO, ONE HONEY WAGON TWIST--

"NO, THREE, NO, TWO.

NO, ONE-- ONE, PUT THEM BACK."

"LET'S GO OUTSIDEAND THINK IT OVER, HUH?"

THAT'S IT FOR ME.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR HIM.

I'M ACCEPTING AN APPLAUSEFOR ANOTHER PERSON.

I HAD, LIKE, AN OUT-OF-COMICEXPERIENCE--

A LITTLE FRIGHTENING.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN COMPLAININGEARLIER IN THE SHOW

BUT HEY, EVEN DRIVING TODAY,L.A.P.D. PULLED ME OVER.

I WENT, "OH, NO,WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?"

HE SAID, "STOP BLAMINGYOUR CHILDHOOD."

SO IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

BUT MY GRANDPARENTS,I SWEAR, I SWEAR.

I MEAN, THEIR CATONLY HAD TWO LIVES.

THEY WERE NEGATIVE PEOPLE.

THEY WERE LIKE... LIVINGWITH THEM FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS

I MEAN, LIKE,WE'D BE SITTING AROUND THE TABLE

AND MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD SAY

BEFORE EVERY SENTENCE, I SWEAR,"BEFORE I DEPART THIS EARTH...

COULD YOU PASS THE KETCHUP?"

WE'RE WAITING FOR...THAT KIND OF THING.

AND MY GRANDFATHER--I USED TO WATCH HIM SLEEP

BECAUSE HE WAS SO INTERESTING,LIKE A VAN GOGH KIND OF GUY.

HE USED TO SLEEP

LIKE THIS: ( snores )

"AH, I'M A FAILURE,I'M A LOSER, I'M NOWHERE."

( laughter )

HIS BUSINESS CAREERWENT INTO THE TOILET

BECAUSE HE WAS SO NEGATIVE.

HE ACTUALLY OPENED UP--IT WAS A NIGHTMARE--

HE OPENED UP THIS THING--T.G.I. YOM KIPPUR

WHICH REALLY BACKFIRED.

IT WENT OUT OF BUSINESSTHE FIRST DAY.

PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER

THE MAITRE D' WITHTHE SKULLCAP WENT

"I'M SORRY, WE DON'T EAT TODAY.

THERE'S NO FOOD."

BUT THEY WERE SWEET.

WHEN THEY PASSED AWAY,IN THEIR WILL

THEY LEFT THEIR GRIEF TO SCIENCE

WHICH I FELT WAS A NICE THING.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONEWITH MY PARENTS

AND UM... THEY SAY HELLO.

( laughter )

MY MOTHER DIDN'T SAY HELLO.

SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT'S MY FATHER, HE SAID HELLO.

HE SAYS HELLO TO PEOPLEHE DOESN'T KNOW AT ALL

BECAUSE HE'S YOUR BASIC DAD.

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU KNOW,HE'S NEVER DONE ANY DRUGS

BUT HE'S BURNTBEYOND RECOGNITION.

HE AND MY MOTHERBEEN MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS

AND HE CALLS HER "SWEETHEART"

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOWHER FIRST NAME.

SO DAD SAYS HELLO.

( laughter )

IT'S SO WEIRD

AS YOU GET OLDERAND YOU START TO FIGURE OUT

WHO YOUR ELDERSREALLY ARE AS PEOPLE.

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,I THOUGHT MY ELDERS WERE COOL.

THEY WERE TALL AND THEYCOULD REACH THINGS.

AND NOW, LIKE EVERY HOLIDAYI FIGURE OUT ANOTHER RELATIVE

LIKE, WHO THEY REALLYARE AS PEOPLE.

IT'S LIKE-- "NO WONDER UNCLESID'S ALWAYS BEEN SO MUCH FUN.

HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC."

( laughter )

I THOUGHT HE SLEPT ON THE PORCHBECAUSE HE LIKED THE OUTDOORS.

( laughter )

IT'S SO DISAPPOINTING.

BUT SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY--

DAN QUAYLE.

( laughter )

NOT THAT I WANTTO GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION

I'M RELATED TO DAN,BUT NO, HONESTLY

I THINK DAN QUAYLE'SDOING MUCH BETTER.

HE'S LOST THAT DEER-CAUGHT-IN-THE-HEADLIGHTS LOOK

HE USED TO HAVE IN HIS EYES.

HE GENUINELY HAS.

SAY WHAT YOU WANTABOUT DAN QUAYLE.

HE MAY NOT BE A GREAT LEADEROR A BRILLIANT MAN

BUT YOU CAN'T DENY,THE MEDICATION IS WORKING.

( laughter and applause )

YEAH, GIVE DAN... AND EVERYBODYWORRIES SO MUCH ABOUT DAN QUAYLE

THAT IF BUSH WERE TO GET SICK

DAN QUAYLE WOULD DOSOMETHING AWFUL AS PRESIDENT

AND THIS IS SOMETHING TO FEAR.

WHAT IS THIS AWFUL THINGTHAT DAN QUAYLE MIGHT DO?

MESS UP THE ECONOMY?

I THINK WE'RE READY.

( clapping )

YOU WERE WAY AHEAD OF MEON THAT JOKE.

THAT WAS THE PROBLEM--YOU WERE WAY AHEAD OF ME.

OH, PRESIDENT BUSH, YES.

I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE HIM.

I DON'T.

SOME PEOPLE DO LIKE HIM.

THEY'RE VERY WEALTHY OR MYOPIC--ONE OR THE OTHER.

BUT EVEN IF YOULIKE HIM POLITICALLY

HOW CAN YOU LIKE HIMEMOTIONALLY?

ISN'T HE JUST ANNOYING?

HE REMINDS ME OF THE KIDIN FIFTH GRADE

WHO REMINDED THE TEACHERSHE FORGOT TO GIVE THE HOMEWORK.

( laughter )

THE KIND OF KID YOU'REALWAYS GOING, "SHUT UP."

"YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING TO RUNFOR PRESIDENT SOMEDAY."

"WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO GETA WEDGIE NOW

SO START RUNNING, OKAY?"

( laughter )

I KNOW SOME PEOPLELIKE THE PRESIDENT

BUT... I DON'T WANTTO SAY THEY'RE MISINFORMED

BUT SOME PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRYTAKE TO WORLD AFFAIRS

THE WAY DODGER FANSTAKE TO THE DODGERS.

I DON'T WANT TO INSULT ANYBODY,BUT THEY LIKE TO GO TO THE GAME

BUT THEY DON'T KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU TALK TO THESE PEOPLE,IT'S LIKE

"DID YOU KNOW THE ECONOMICEXPANSION OF THE '80s

WAS CREATED BY MILITARY BUILDUPUNPARALLELED IN PEACE TIME?"

"NO... BUT HERE COMESGENERAL SCHWARZKOPF.

LET'S DO THE WAVE!"

( laughter )

AND BUSH'S REASONING ONTHE WAR WE HAD... WHICH WAS...

LET'S WORK BACK--IT WAS IRAQ-KUWAIT, RIGHT?

EVERY TIME WE HAVE A WAR,THEY SHOW THIS PICTURE--

YOU KNOW THE PICTURE THEY ALWAYSSHOW ON THE NEWS

OF OUR TANKSROLLING INTO THE COUNTRY

AND PEOPLE WAVINGAMERICAN FLAGS.

AND THEY SAY THIS MEANSTHEY'RE GLAD TO SEE US.

IF A TANK ROLLEDINTO MY BACKYARD

I'M GOING TO WAVE A FLAG.

I'LL WAVE ANY FLAG I GOT HANDY,AND THAT FLAG'S NOT GOING TO SAY

"SHOOT ME, I DARE YOU,IMPERIALIST PIGS."

I'LL BE OUT THERE,"NORWAY, NICE TO SEE YOU.

"SO GLAD YOU SAVED MY BUTT.

"THANK YOU.

DON'T SHOOT MY COW."

U.S.A. TODAY, INCIDENTALLY--

GREAT PAPERIF YOU DON'T READ IT.

IT'S A DYNAMITE PAPER.

THERE'S NO NEWS IN IT, BUT ITDOESN'T COME OFF IN YOUR HANDS.

THEY HAVE CONFUSED THE FOURTHAMENDMENT WITH M&Ms.

( light applause )

THAT SAME CONTINGENTTHAT APPLAUDED

ON THE FLAG-IN-THE-FOREIGN-COUNTRY JOKE.

BUT THEY HAD A THINGIN U.S.A. TODAY

AND THEY SAID SOME KIDSARE DOING LESS DRUGS

WHICH DOESN'T SURPRISE ME,BECAUSE IF YOU SPEND YOUR DAY

FLIPPING BETWEENHEAVY-METAL VIDEOS

AND THE 1-900-I-WANT-TO-BE-YOUR-SEX-SLAVE STATION

YOU DON'T NEED A LOT OF DRUGS.

WHEN I WATCH SHOWS LIKE THAT

WHEN I'M DONE,I WANT TO DO CRACK TO RELAX.

( laughter )

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOINGTO SAY TO MY KIDS ABOUT DRUGS.

I CAN'T GIVE THEMANY MORALISTIC THING.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T--

"YOUNG MAN,WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE..."

ALL RIGHT, FORGET THAT.

( laughter )

OH, BOY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

"RUN ALONG, AND DON'TTOUCH MY STASH.

OKAY."

( laughter )

NO, I'M NOT--I'M ACTUALLY NOT DOING--

I'M CLEAN, I'M ALL CLEANED UP.

I'M TOO OLD, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

BUT FROM MY DAYS DOING DRUGS,I THINK I WILL BE A GOOD PARENT.

PUT IT THIS WAY--

I'LL KNOW WHEN MY KIDS ARE HIGH.

THAT'S A VERY GOOD THINGABOUT OUR GENERATION.

OUR KIDS WILL DO LESS DRUGSBECAUSE WE'LL BE ON TO THEM.

MY FATHER HAD NO IDEAWHEN I WAS HIGH.

HE HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS.

BUT FOR PEOPLEWHO DON'T SMOKE POT

THERE'S VERY LITTLEDIFFERENCE IN BEHAVIOR

BETWEEN WHEN YOU'RE STONEDAND WHEN YOU'RE NOT.

REALLY, THERE'SONLY ONE DIFFERENCE.

WHEN YOU'RE STONED,YOU FORGET TO SAY

"EXCUSE ME, I'M ABOUTTO CHANGE THE SUBJECT."

( laughter )

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SO I'DCOME HOME AROUND 2:00 A.M.

MY DAD WOULD BE SITTINGIN THE KITCHEN EATING CEREAL

AROUND 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

I THOUGHT HE WAS HIGH, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

AND I'D WALK IN, AND MY DADWOULD LOOK UP AND SAY, "SON?"

AND I'D GO, "MOON."

( laughter )

"ARE YOU GOING TO BE UPLATER, DAD?

BECAUSE I WANT TO VACUUM."

"JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS."

I DON'T LIKE THAT, BECAUSEKIDS HAVE A NATURAL CREATIVITY.

I LOVE KIDS.

KIDS BRING HOME THAT ART WORKYOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH

AND YOU PUT IT ON THE FRIDGE,WHICH INSULTS A CHILD.

IT'S LIKE, "WE WANTTO ENCOURAGE YOUR CREATIVITY

SO WE'RE GOING TO HANG ITRIGHT ON AN APPLIANCE."

THEN DAD LOOKS AT IT--HE HAS NO IDEA.

"SON, THAT'S VERY GOOD,THAT'S WONDERFUL."

KID LEAVES THE ROOM--"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

( laughter )

"HONEY, WHAT IS THATON THE FRIDGE?"

"WELL, OUR SON SAIDIT'S A DUCK."

"WELL, OUR SON IS TRIPPING."

"THERE'S NO DUCK THERE.

THAT'S A BUNCH OF COLORSAND LINES-- A MESS."

THAT'S HOW ADULTS FEEL ABOUT IT.

ANOTHER FIVE-YEAR-OLD WILLWALK THROUGH-- "NICE DUCK."

( laughter )

"YOU FORGOT THE ANTLERS."

( laughter )

BUT THAT'S WHY I WOULD NEVERSAY "JUST SAY NO" TO MY KIDS

BECAUSE I DON'TWANT TO RAISE KIDS

WHO ARE JUST TOTALLY PARANOID

AND WALK AROUNDGOING "NO" ALL THE TIME.

"JUST SAY NO."

"NO!"

DAD SAID "JUST SAY NO." NO!

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"I DON'T WANT THOSE EGGS--THOSE ARE MY BRAINS.

NO."

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