Madonna/Whore

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 05/19/2016

Amy has trouble figuring out which persona to adopt in bed, gripes with her friends about how long it's been since she's had sex and goes on a "Sex and the City" bus tour.

We're gonna have the best timeof our lives today.

Yes.Okay?

Didn't I tell you, okay?Yeah.

You are sucha good friend, and I--

You know, this annulmentis really taking a toll on me.

And I'm, I'm just...

I am so glad thatyou got the tickets!

Oh, no, look, this is whywe're in New York, right?

Right.We are going on this tour.

And I am so glad that I boughtyou these tickets

with my moneythat I worked for.

All right, ladies!

Are you readyto see the places

from your favorite scenesfrom your favorite show,

"Sex and...

(all)...The City"!

"Sex and the City,"that's right!

I can't, I can't, I can't,I can't, I can't.

(guide)Who's with me?

(Amy)We went for a walk,but we are first.

We were here,but we went for a walk.

Are you excited for your"Sex and the City" tour today?

(all cheering)

All right, when I say Sex,you say and the City.

Sex. And the City!

Sex! And the City!

You guys get it.

Okay, does anyonerecognize where we are?

Is this where Carrie decided

that she didn'twant to marry Aiden?

Definitely!Good guess.

Actually, this is whereSteve and Miranda

finally tied the knot ina small, but tasteful ceremony.

Ohh...Oh, okay.

Oh, I want thatfor me someday again.

This is a reallygood tour I bought you.

(Melissa)Oh, oh, my gosh,is that where Carrie

put on those hoop earringsand that doo rag,

and then she made everybodyfeel racially uncomfortable?

Yes! With the hoops,yeah, definitely.

(guide)No, these are the courts whereSteve played basketball.

That's one of the many greatthings about Steve.

He played basketball, cool.

He also owns a bar,that's cool.

So cute, I love that.Oh, okay.

And let's not forget,he is reliable.

All right, he's short,I'll give you that.

The glasses? Yeah.

But always reliable.

Is that Magnolia Bakerywhere Carrie told Miranda

about a huge crushwhile scarfing down

one of that bakery'ssignature cupcakes?

(Amy)Definitely.

Are we gonna get cupcakes?

No, we're not,and nobody look over--

Do not look over there!

That is not partof our tour, okay?

Actually, if you lookright over there,

that's the area where Steve

was once carryinggroceries in the rain

and the bottom fellout of the bag.

Stuff went everywhere,

it led to a lot of shenanigans.

(chuckles)

That sucks.I don't remember that.

I remember that.

It was actually--it was deleted

from the deleted scenes.

Ooh, deleted scenes.

Is this tour just gonnabe all about Steve?

Yeah, um, it was--this tour was $6 cheaper,

so, altogether$12 cheaper, so...

But it won't be all aboutSteve, you know, right?

Come on.Okay.

(woman)Oh, the doctor's office!

This is where Charlotte foundout that she couldn't have kids.

Definitely!Wrong, that was wrong.

This is actually whereMiranda's housekeeper Magda

got her bone medicine.

Ooh, Magda!

And then every Tuesday,Steve would pick her up.

Super solid,classic Steve behavior.

Big would never do that.Big would never do that!

Big!

See, this is still reallyheavily about Steve.

Next stop, ladies,grab your panties

because we're gonna see whereCharlotte and her gay friend

go shopping for blouses! (all cheering)

But before that,

we're gonna see where Samanthagot (bleep) in the ass!

Yeah! (all cheering)

I say cosmos,you say anal.

Cosmos! Anal!

Cosmos! Anal!

Cosmos! Anal!

Cosmos! Anal!

This sucks.

We want to see where Samanthagot (bleep) in the ass, too!

Yeah... yeah, we do.

Guys! Samantha wasa one-note character!

All she did was get (bleep)all the time!

Steve is the only characteron the show with any layers.

You turn to Stevewhen you need some laughs.

You turn to Steve when you needsome pathos, okay?

He owned a bar!

He was a good dad, all right?

He even had cancer!

Samantha got cancer, too.

She knew whatshe was paying for!

Happy annulment.

Six more dollars.

So, who's ready to visitthe home of Janet Miller.

She's the mother of one ofthe four sets of twins

who portrayedSteve's son, Brady Hobbes?

Oh, we are!

(Amy)This is fun,and I don't regret it!

Good day to you, sir.

How may I help you?

The Barber said I have"Delirium of the Bowels,"

but the bloodletting'sjust made it worse.

Well, you've cometo the right place, sir.

No need for any more barbaricor outdated procedures.

Our chief of surgeryand his team,

they are the bestin the nation.

If you come right this way.

Dr. Thackery, I haveyour next patient here.

(chair squeaks)

Then the game is on.

(kids' voices)Junior!

The patient isa 38-year-old man

with an acute infectionin his lower bowel.

Untreated, his conditionwill quickly deteriorate.

I'll make an incision thusly.

(sniffs)

Ahh.

And then operate usinga revolutionary method

of my own design.

Nurse Elkins, scalpel.

(squishing sounds)

Pulse increasing.Scissors.

Pulse stability dropping!We're losing him, Thackery.

Let's hope to God this works.

(Kid Chickering)We've lost his pulse!

(Kid Gallinger)Thackery, it's over.

No!

He just needs more glue!

We've lost him.

Damn it!

(grunts)

You're not supposed to havethose before dinner.

Shut up!I want more Pixy Stix!

(screaming)

Oh, dear.

Right this way.

Dr. Thackery, in lightof today's... events...

the Board of Directors saw fit

to hire an additionalchief of surgery.

Like hell!The Knick is mine!

Dr. Thackery, please.

Mine!

No, it is mine.

Mine!Mine!

Doctors, doctors, doctors!In this hospital, we share.

We share.

(woman)Is this a bad time?

Hello, John.

Amy?

(sniffles)

(grunts)

Who got your nose?

After we parted ways,

it was ravaged by cooties.

We can sew your faceto your arm.

Sew my face to my arm?

That's the cure?

Yeah.

Are you looking at my nose?

(sobbing)

(Herman Barrow)Right this way, Amy,

already looking good.

Awesome.That is so cool.

Cool.

(Kid Algernon)How did you do that? Great job.

So that's-- that's it?

I just... stay like this withmy face attached to my arm?

(agreeing enthusiastically)

You guys are here 'cause you're,you're walking me out or...

Yup.Yup.

Oh, and don't pullyour... arm out.

It'll, like, rip it off.

Any sort of home care,I should... worry about or...

Nope.Just go.

All right.All right, bye.

We're gonna keep in touch,all right, or...

Yeah.Okay.

(Amy)Oh, you guys,it does not look weird?

(all)No, no, no.

'Cause it feels weird,

I mean, it honestly--

Ow!

Ooh...

(screaming)

Ooh.

Be careful!Bye!