April 14, 2015 - Boston Marathon Bomber & The Death Penalty

  • 04/14/2015

Dan Soder, Keith Robinson and Alex Wagner join Larry for a debate about the death penalty and the fate of convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

>> Larry: TONIGHTLY, WE'REDISCUSSING THE ULTIMATE

PUNISHMENT.

AND NO, I DON'T MEAN SEASONTICKETS TO THE KNICKS.

UTAH MIGHT BRING BACK FIRINGSQUADS, COMBINING TWO THINGS

AMERICA HAS AN ABUNDANCE OF: GUNS AND BAD IDEAS.

AND FINALLY THE BOSTON MARATHONBOMBER HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, LET'SEXECUTE HIM

THIS IS THE NIGHTLYSHOW. LET'S DO THIS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) Captioning sponsored by

>> Larry: YES, THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

THANK YOU.

>> LARRY!

LARRY!

LARRY!

LARRY!

LARRY!

LARRY.

>> Larry: THANK YOU.

I AM LARRY WILMORE.

THE SUSPENSE IS BROKEN.

AS YOU MAY KNOW, IN OUR TOP NEWSTONIGHT, A JURY IS CURRENTLY

DELIBERATING THE PUNISHMENT FORBOSTON BOMBER AND "ROLLING

STONE" COVER MODEL, DZHOKHARTSARNAEV.

>> GUILTY ON ALL 30 COUNTS.

THAT WAS THE JURY'S UNANIMOUSDECISION EARLIER THIS WEEK IN

THE BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING CASEAGAINST DZHOKHAR TSARNAEV.

>> Larry: WOW!

30 COUNTS.

MAN.

THOSE ARE COSBY NUMBERS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S RIGHT, ( BLEEP ).

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU.

JUST SAYIN'.

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

NOW, AMONG THE VICTIMS WAS AN 8YEAR OLD AND BOY AND 264 INJURED

AND 17 LOST LIMBS AND HE WASCAUGHT ON VIDEO DOING IT.

AND CHECK OUT HIS DEFENSE.

>> DEFENSE ATTORNEY JUDY CLARKEARGUED THAT TSARNAEV CHOSE THAT

SPOT NOT TO TARGET KIDS BUTBECAUSE THERE WAS A TREE THERE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: YEAH, ( BLEEP )TREES.

( LAUGHTER )OKAY.

SENTENCING TIME.

>> NEXT WEEK, THE JURY BEGINSDELIBERATIONS ON A MUCH TOUGHER

QUESTION-- SHOULD TSARNAEV BEPUT TO DEATH FOR THIS?

>> Larry: WELL, THE DEATHPENALTY.

WOW.

THIS IS ACTUALLY THE PERFECTTIME TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

IT'S SPRING.

LIFE IS BLOOMING.

LET'S TALK DEATH!

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

OKAY.

GIVE ME THE NUMBERS OF PEOPLEFOR AND AGAINST THE DEATH

PENALTY FOR TSARNAEV.

>> I WANT TO GO OVER THESERESULTS TODAY WE HAVE FROM THIS

NBC NEWS ONLINE SURVEY BY SURVEYMONKEY.

>> Larry: HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHTTHERE, NBC.

SURVEY MONKEY?

( LAUGHTER )WHAT'S THEIR SLOGAN, SURVEY

MONKEY.

POLLING SO ACCURATE, YOU'LLSWEAR A MONKEY DID IT.

( APPLAUSE )HOW DOES THAT WORK?

AND I LOVE THEIR AD.

♪ ♪( APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: SURVEY MONKEY.

OKAY, WELL, LET'S SEE WHATNUMBERS THIS POOP-SMELLING

PRIMATE CAME UP WITH.

>> IT WAS CONDUCTED BEFOREYESTERDAY'S VERDICT, WE SHOULD

NOTE, BUT IT SHOWS 47% OF THOSEQUESTIONED, THEY WANT THE DEATH

PENALTY FOR TSARNAEV.

42% SAY, NO, HE SHOULD SPENDLIFE IN PRISON WITHOUT PAROLE.

>> Larry: WAIT, 11% ARE NOTSURE?

HOW ARE YOU NOT SURE?

DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THEQUESTION OR WERE YOU TOO BUSY

DOING THIS?

( LAUGHTER )JUST SAYIN'.

JUST SAYIN'.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF YOU WERE ISALL I'M SAYIN'.

NOW, SOME OF YOU MAY NOT TALKABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY AT

BREAKFAST EVERY DAY LIKE I DO,BUT, GUYS, THERE'S A LOT OF

STUFF GOING ON IN THE WORLD OFDEATH SO LET ME JUST UPDATE YOU,

OKAY.

>> MANY STATES MAY HAVE TO FINDANOTHER WAY TO EXECUTE PRISONERS

AFTER THE NATION'S LARGESTPHARMACIST GROUP CALLED ON

MEMBERS TO STOP SELLING DRUGSFOR LETHAL INJECTION.

>> Larry: HEY, WHOA,WALGREENS.

FIRST YOU RESTRICT MY SUDAFEDAND NOW WON'T SELL ME ANY DEATH

JUICE?

( LAUGHTER )WELL, CAN'T WE JUST BORROW SOME

FROM TEXAS?

THEY'VE GOT TO HAVE A STOCKPILE.

>> TEXAS IS SCHEDULED TO EXECUTETHESE FOUR MEN NEXT MONTH, BUT

AFTER OFFICIALS SCRAMBLEDTO FIND THE DRUG, PHENOBARBITAL

>> EVEN TEXAS IS OUT OF DEATHJUICE? THAT MAKES SENSE,

TEXAS IS A HEAVY USER. DOESN'TANYBODY HAVE HEISENBERG'S

NUMBER? I BET IF YOU ASK KEITHRICHARDS I BET HE COULD

COME UP WITH A CONCOCTION THATCOULD KILL ANYBODY.

EXCEPT KEITH RICHARDS, OFCOURSE.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WE'RE JUSTTRYING TO KILL PEOPLE.

HOW HARD COULD IT BE.

>> OHIO, OKLAHOMA, AND ARIZONAEXPERIMENTED WITH NEW DRUG

COMBINATIONS MADE ON SPECIALORDER BY COMPOUNDING PHARMACIES,

WHICH LED TO PROLONGED ANDAPPARENTLY PAINFUL EXECUTIONS.

>> Larry: WAIT, SO THEY'RE NOTMAKING DEATH JUICE.

THEY'RE MAKING DEATH HOOCH?

( LAUGHTER )MAKING THIS STUFF SHOULDNT FEEL

LIKE COOKING WITH EMIRIL.

A LITTLE BLEACH, A LITTLEARSENIC, SEA SALT, BAM, DEAD.

EASY STUFF.

COME ON.

SINCE THE HOMEMADE STUFF ISN'TWORKING, OTHER STATES ARE GOING

OLD SCHOOL.

>> TENNESSEE HAS JOINED SEVENOTHER STATES THAT WOULD USE THE

ELECTRIC CHAIR.

FOUR STATES WOULD USE THE GASCHAMBER.

AND UTAH'S GOVERNOR SIGNED A LAWLAST WEEK BRINGING BACK THE

FIRING SQUAD.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOD.

THE FIRING SQUAD.

SOMEBODY CALL TURNER CLASSICMOVIES, MAN.

CAN WE TIE PEOPLE TO RAILROADTRACKS?

( LAUGHTER )NOW, PERHAPS THE MOST TROUBLING

ASPECT OF THE DEATH PENALTY ISTHE WAY IT DISPROPORTIONATELY

SKEWS ALONG RACIAL LINES.

BLACKS MAKE UP 13.2% OF THEPOPULATION BUT WHEN IT COMES TO

DEATH ROW THE NUMBERS ARE ALITTLE DIFFERENT.

>> 42% OF DEATH ROW INMATES AREAFRICAN AMERICAN.

>> Larry: THIS IS NOT THE KINDOF EQUAL REPRESENTATION WE'VE

BEEN MARCHING FOR.

RIGHT?

SO THERE APPEAR TO BE A LOT OFGOOD REASONS TO BE AGAINST THE

DEATH PENALTY.

HOWSOMEVER, WE'RE NOT TALKINGABOUT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IN THE

GENERAL SENSE.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS LOWLYBASTARD.

WE'VE BEEN ASKING THE QUESTIONSHOULD WE KILL THIS ( BLEEP )?

I THINK THE ANSWER IS WE SHOULDKILL THIS ( BLEEP ).

>> THERE IS NO QUESTION HERE OFGUILT.

THE SCALE OF TSARNAEV'S DEEDSARE ABOUT AS WICKED AS

YOU COULD IMAGINE.

IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DEATHPENALTY IN THIS COUNTRY THIS

SEEMS EXACTLY THE KIND OF CASETO USE ON.

>> Larry: THE NERD'S RIGHT.

THE QUESTION IS NOT IF WE SHOULDKILL HIM BUT HOW.

HE NEEDS TO DIE IN A BIG WAY,BOSTON STYLE.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU COULD GO OLDSCHOOL.

PUT HIM IN A CRATE OF TEA ANDTHROW HIM IN THE HAB-AH.

IN THE HAB-AH.

WE COULD HAVE DAVID ORTIZ DROWNHIM IN A BOWL OF CHOUD-AH.

OR THE ULTIMATE BOSTON DEATH--CHUCKED OFF THE GREEN MONSTER BY

NONE OTHER THAN EXECUTIVEPRODUCER OF "ENTOURAGE" AND

STAR OF THE "THE FIGHTER," MARKYMARK.

MARKY MARK.

THAT'S A WICKED GLORIOUS DEATHFOR A WICKED HUMAN.

OR THE BEST THING.

WHY DON'T WE JUST FORCE HIM TORUN A MARATHON AND BLOW HIM UP

AT THE FINISH LINE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: OKAY, WE'RE BACKTALKING ABOUT THE BOSTON BOMBER

AND THE DEATH PENALTY.

JOINING ME ON THE PANEL TONIGHT,YOU CAN SEE HIM AT CAROLINE'S

HERE IN NEW YORK TOMORROW NIGHT,COMEDIAN DAN SODER.

( APPLAUSE )ALSO, THE VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN

KEITH ROBINSON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND HOST OF "NOW WITH ALEX

WAGNER" AND MSNBC, ALEX WAGNER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )OKAY, LET'S GET TO IT.

I TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER.

I JUST THINK THERE ARE CERTAINPEOPLE WHO JUST NEED TO DIE.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

McVEIGH,BIN LADEN, PEOPLE WHO SEND ME

RACIST ( BLEEP ) ON TWITTER.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH TSARNAEVGETTING EXECUTED.

REACTION?

>> I DO, I DO.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS TODO.

HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO GET 72VIRGINS.

I WANT TO SEE THIS DUDE GET LIKEONE OF THOSE SEX CHANGE

OPERATIONS.

AND THEN HE'LL BECOME THE VIRGINRIGHT IN JAIL.

( LAUGHTER )>> Larry: THAT'S HIS

PUNISHMENT?

>> AND THEN YOU HAVE THEM COMEIN LIKE CABLE GUYS BETWEEN 8:00

AND 12 MIDNIGHT TO HAVE THEIRWAY WITH THEM.

>> Larry: I THINK WE'VE LOSTTHE IDEA OF PUNISHMENT, KEITH.

>> HOW LONG ARE YOU THINKING OFTHIS PUNISHMENT FOR?

>> Larry: GO AHEAD.

>> I FEEL LIKE THE TRUE TEST OFONE'S CONVICTIONS IS SORT OF THE

MOST ABHORRENT EXAMPLE OF THEM.

I'M SORRY FOR THE GENDER-SWITCH,VIRGIN PLAN.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AGAINST THEDEATH PENALTY FOR ALL THE

REASONS THAT YOU OUTLINED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I LIKE THE AUDIENCE.

FOR ALL THE REASONS YOU OUTLINEDBECAUSE IT'S RACIALLY BIASED

BECAUSE IT'S UNFAIR, IT'SFLAWED, AND BECAUSE IT'S REALLY

EXPENSIVE, BUT ALSO MORALLYBECAUSE I JUST DON'T THINK WE

SHOULD BE PUTTING PEOPLE TODEATH TO SHOW THAT MURDER IS

WRONG.

( APPLAUSE )AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK DZHOKHAR

TSARNAEV IS A BAD, DEEPLY DARK,TROUBLED PERSON BUT I'M NOT SURE

THAT IS RESOLVED IN THE GREATERGREAT MORAL ARC OF THE UNIVERSE

BY KILLING HIM.

>> Larry: I DISAGREE WITH YOUBECAUSE I THINK THERE ARE NO

BETTER MORAL WAY TO SHOW THATKIND OF THING IS HEINOUS THAN BY

PUTTING THEM TO DEATH.

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT,IN MY MIND.

LIKE, THERE ARE DEGREES OFPUNISHMENT.

IF YOU STEAL FROM THE STORE, IDON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE PUT TO

DEATH.

IN SAUDI ARABIA, THEY CUT OFFYOUR HAND, THAT'S TOO MUCH.

BUT KILLING KIDS ON PURPOSE LIKETHAT?

>> THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

ON PAPER, I'M AGAINST THE DEATHPENALTY, BUT WHEN YOU GET

EMOTIONS INVOLVED, YEAH,ESPECIALLY IN THIS CASE WHERE

YOU SAID HE WANTED TO BE AMARTYR AND KILLING WOULD GIVE

HIM THAT.

IF HE WANTED TO BE A MARTYR HEWOULD KILL HIMSELF WHEN

HE BLEW IT UP.

HE DID IT AND BACKED AWAYKNOWING HE WAS GOING TO STAY

ALIVE WHILE INJURING OTHERPEOPLE.

>> Larry: BY THE WAY, I DON'THAVE THE PROBLEM AGREEING ON

THAT ONE ISSUE.

>> WHAT?

>> Larry: THAT HE WANTS TO DIEAND I WANT HIM TO DIE, TOO.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM AGREEING WITHHIM ON THAT ONE ISSUE.

ALL OUR CHECKMARKS AREDIFFERENT.

BUT THAT ONE IS THE SAME.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GOOD ONTHAT ONE.

>> BUT PEOPLE THINK THEY WANTTHAT PERSON TO DIE.

THE FAMILY DON'T WANT-- THEYJUST WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS GUY

IS NOT HAVING A GREAT TIME INJAIL.

THEY DON'T WANT THIS GUY-- THEYTHINK THEY WANT HIM TO DIE.

BUT WHEN HE DIES IT'S OVER.

YOU STILL HAVE THE SAME PAIN.

WHY NOT STRETCH IT OVER TIME.

>> Larry: IF THE FAMILY FEELSGOOD BECAUSE OF IT, THEN THAT IS

GREAT.

RIGHT?

>> CLOSURE IS A NICE BY-PRODUCTOF THIS.

>> Larry: FANTASTIC HAD ITHAPPENS BUT NOBODY REALLY GETS

CLOSURE WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER ISKILLED.

>> RIGHT.

AND I THINK WHEN YOU SAY THISCRIME IS MORE HEINOUS BECAUSE OF

THE KIDS WHO DIED THAN ANOTHERCRIME WHERE LITTLE GIRL HAS BEEN

RAPED AND KILLED OR SEVERALLITTLE GIRLS HAVE BEEN RAPED AND

CHILD.

>> Larry: I'M HAPPY TO KILLHIM FOR THAT.

>> YOU'RE NOT AGAINST THE DEATHPENALTY --

>> I'M NOT AGAINST THE DEATHPENALTY IN THAT INSTANCE, YOU'RE

CORRECT.

>> SO WE'RE BACK TO THE ORIGINALARGUMENT.

>> Larry: YOU CAN DEFINE WHATCONSTITUTES THE CORRECT

PUNISHMENT, AND I'M HAPPY TOMAKE--

>> HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?

>> Larry: THAT'S HOW YOU COMEUP WITH LAWS.

YOU COME UP WITH THE PROCESS OFDEFINING IT.

WE HAVE ALREADY DEFINED IT--LOOK, OUR GOVERNMENT ALREADY

SPONSORS US KILLING PEOPLE.

WE SEND DRONES TO KILL PEOPLE.

>> AND DON'T SEE ANYBODYMARCHING AGAINST THAT.

WE SEND SOLDIERS OFF AND THEIRJOB IS TO KILL AND IT'S

SPONSORED BY THE STATE.

>> BUT LET ME ASK YOU-- WHATSHOULD BE DONE WITH HIM THEN?

>> I THINK LIFE IN PRISON IS AFAIRLY GOOD SENTENCE, THE SUPER

MAX THEY'RE TALK ABOUT-- WHATTHEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IS PUTTING

HIM IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT FOR23 HOURS A DAY.

( APPLAUSE )SOME WOULD SAY--

>> THAT'S TORTURE.

THAT IS TORTURE.

>> Larry: BUT HE CAN STILLJERK OFF.

HE CAN STILL WATCH CABLE.

>> THAT'S WHY MY PLAN WORKS!

SEE, I HADN'T THOUGHT ITTHROUGH.

>> Larry: GO AHEAD, DAN.

>> TO CONFINE HIM FOR 23 HOURS ADAY, THEN YOU'RE TORTURING A

PERSON.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE US BETTERWITHOUT KILLING HIM?

ALSO, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, THEFEDERAL PRISONS IN THIS COUNTRY

ARE A BUSINESS.

IT'S A BUSINESS.

THE TAXPAYERS HAVE TO PAY FOR.

( APPLAUSE )SO WHY NOT JUST ELIMINATE HIM

AND KILL HIM AND BE DONE WITHHIM.

>> Larry: I DON'T BELIEVE ININDISCRIMINATE KILLING.

ALEX, I AGREE WITH THE THINGSYOU'RE SAYING ABOUT THE PRISON

SYSTEM, BUT I DON'T THINK ITDOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T FIX WHAT'S

WRONG WITH CAPITAL PUNISHMENTAND AVOID THOSE THINGS.

FOR INSTANCE, CRIME WHERETHERE'S UNMISTAKABLE EVIDENCE--

LET'S USE TSARNAEV.

HE UNMISTAKABLY DID IT, WHYCAN'T WE SHOOT HIM-- WHY CAN'T

HE BE KILLED SPECIFICALLY?

THERE IS NO CHANCE HE DIDN'T DOIT.

THERE'S EVERY CHANCE HE DID DOIT, RIGHT?

>> SURE, BUT IN ALL DEATHPENALTY CASES YOU WANT TO BE

SURE THAT THE GUY DID IT.

>> Larry: WE ARE SURE HE DIDIT.

>> AGAIN, IF YOU ARE ARGUINGTHIS IN THE ABSTRACT --

>> NO, I'M NOT.

I'M ARGUING THIS IN THESPECIFICS.

>> OKAY, GO AHEAD.

>> Larry: I WANT TO KNOW WHATIS YOUR SOLUTION--

>> ARE YOU FOR IT NOW?

>> AM I -->> YOU SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE

AGAINST IT BEFORE.

>> NO, I'M FOR GIVING THIS GUY,BESIDES A SEX CHANGE --

>> THE SEX CHANGE, WHICH I STILLHAVE NOT FIGURED OUT.

>> THAT JUST SEEMS WAY MOREEXPENSIVE THAN ANY OTHER OPTION.

GLI AGREE WITH THAT.

>> THE HORMONE THERAPY -->> YOU'RE REALLY IN FOR A WORLD

OF FINANCIAL HURT IF YOU STARTDOING THAT.

>> WE SHOULD END IT.

GIVE SOMEBODY A GUN GO OUTSIDE,AND THIS GUY IS GONE.

THIS GUY IS A COLD-BLOODMURDERER.

JUST LIKE THE SHOOTER IN AURORA,THE SHOOTER IN TUCSON, THESE

GUYS ARE CLEARLY EVIL MEN.

>> Larry: HOW ABOUT ABOUT OFWE PUT HIM ON THE ISLAND, LAST

SURVIVOR, OKAY, YOU GET TO SPENDYOUR LIFE IN PRISON.

EVERYBODY ELSE, SORPRY.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> WITHOUT A DOUBT, VERYCREATIVE SOLUTIONS.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST-- WE CAN AGREETHAT THEY'RE CREATIVE SOLUTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW THAT -->> COME ON.

GIVE ME SOME OF THIS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Larry: HEY!

WELCOME BACK!

SO NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLAY ALITTLE GAME-- AND BY THE WAY,

ALEX WAGNER HAD THE RUN, SO WEHAVE THE LOVELY LINDA PICATTI

FROM OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE JOININGUS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S A WHOLE NEW THING WE

THOUGHT WE'D TRY.

JUST PICK SOMEONE OUT OF THEAUDIENCE AND JOIN IN THE

CONVERSATION.

IT CAN HAPPEN ANY NIGHT.

IF YOU COME TO THE SHOW, EXPECTTO BE PART OF THE CONVERSATION.

I CAN'T WAIT.

AND LINDA ASKED ME A GREATQUESTION ABOUT MY CAREER SO

THAT'S HOW SHE GOT UP HERE.

ANOTHER SO THIS GAME IS CALLED"COOL AND UNUSUAL."

VERY GOOD.

HERE'S THE DEAL-- YOU'VE ALLBEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH, OKAY--

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SO NOW YOU'RE EACH GOING TO TELLME, ONE, YOUR LAST MEAL MEAL.

TWO, WHAT WAS YOUR CRIME AND WHYYOU DID IT?

LINDA, DON'T YOU LIE TO ME.

( LAUGHTER )AND THEN YOU'LL PICK YOUR MANNER

OF EXECUTION BY REACHING INTOTHE "COOL AND UNUSUAL" REQUESTED

BAG.

THIS IS OUR "BAG OF DEATH."

SEE THAT?

YOU KNOW, FOR A FUN AND FLIRTYDEATH SENTENCE THAT WE CAME UP

WITH.

ALL RIGHT.

DAN, GUFIRST.

WHAT WAS-- WHAT WAS YOUR LASTMEAL?

>> I THINK MY LAST MEAL IS GOINGTO BE CHICKEN AND RICE FROM THE

HALAL CART ON 54th AND6th.

>> Larry: NICE.

>> IF I'M GOING, I'M GOING TOMAKE EVERYONE SUFFER WHEN I'M

GONE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: OKAY, WHAT WAS YOURCRIME?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> YOU KNOW, I QUIT SMOKING TWOYEARS AGO.

I WAS A LITTLE A-- I'VE BEEN ONEDGE EVER SINCE AND I WAS

WALKING TO THE SUBWAY AND SMOFNSTHEIR PHONE ON THE STAIRWAY DOWN

AND I GAVE THEM A NICE 300 KICKIN THE BACK.

I GOT THE DEATH PENALTY.

>> Larry: WOW.

OH, MY GOD.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> I'M LIKE THE BERNIE GOETZ OFSUBWAY STARS.

>> Larry: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

ALL RIGHT, GO TO THE "BAG OFDEATH."

>> I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW.

>> Larry: LET'S SEE WHAT HEGETS?

>> I GOT... NINJA ASSASSIN.

>> Larry: NICE, NOT BAD.

>> THAT'S A VERY HONORABLE WAYTO DIE.

>> Larry: YOU'LL DIE BY THEDEATH OF A THOUSAND STARS.

>> SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

>> Larry: FOR AN EXECUTION,WHAT DO WE THINK?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S KIND OF FUN.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DO YOU,KEITH?

>> BUT IF YOU CHANGE THE SEX--NO!

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, LINDA,WHAT'S YOUR LAST MEAL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> MY LAST MEAL WOULD HAVE TO BEPOPEYE'S SPICY.

( APPLAUSE )>> Larry: I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT YOU WENT FOR THESPICY FOR YOUR LAST MEAL BECAUSE

YOU'RE LIKE INDGESTION, WHOCARES?

I'M OUT OF HERE.

WHAT WAS YOUR CRIME?

>> WELL, I'M A VERY LOW-TECHPERSON.

AND ONE OF THE THINGS I HATE ISBEING IN CROWDS, FAMILY,

FRIENDS-- WHATEVER-- ANDEVERYONE'S CONNECTED TO THEIR

PHONE.

NO ONE'S, YOU KNOW-->> WE'RE LIKE BONNIE & CLYDE.

>> Larry: I KNOW.

>> NO ONE IS TALKING TO EACHOTHER.

EVERYONE IS CONNECTED TO THEIRPHONE.

AND YOU KNOW THAT EXPRESSION TOBLOW UP THE PHONE.

WELL I DID.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOD!

SHE BLEW UP HER CONTACT LIST.

MAN!

GO AHEAD AND REACH IN AND SEEWHAT YOU GOT.

REACH INTO THE "BAG OF DEATH."

>> OH!

LICKED TO DEATH BY PUPPIES.

>> OH, LICKED TO DEATH BYPUPPIES.

THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT CATS.

BECAUSE THAT'S-- YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, KEITH, WHAT'S YOURLAST MEAL?

>> MY LAST MEAL IS A MARATHONBAR.

>> Larry: LIKE A CHOCOLATEBAR?

>> IT'S A BIG, GIANT BAR,BECAUSE I WANT TO WASTE SOME

TIME.

>> Larry: OKAY.

YOU WANT TO GET A NICE SUGARRUSH BEFORE YOU GO OUT.

SOME CHOCOLATE SO YOU CAN KEEPIT REAL ON THE WAY OUT.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

MAYBE GO OUT ON DIABETES FIRST.

>> Larry: AND WHAT WAS YOURCRIME?

AND KEEP IN MIND IT CAN'T BE ANACTUAL CRIME YOU'VE COMMITTED,

KEITH.

>> OH!

BLACK ON BLACK.

>> Larry: THAT WAS MY CRIME BYTHE WAY.

MY CRIME WAS BLACK-ON-BLACKCRIME.

WHAT WAS YOUR CRIME?

>> YOU WANT ME TO MAKE UP ONE?

>> Larry: YOU JUST SAID IT.

WHAT WAS YOUR CRIME?

>> MY CRIME WAS-- IT WAS-->> Larry: SEE, IT'S HARD TO

SEPARATE THE TWO, ISN'T IT?

>> I AM COMPELLED TO KEEP IT100.

>> Larry: LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S USE OUR IMAGINATIONS ANDPICK YOUR PUNISHMENT.

>> LET ME PICK YOUR PUNISHMENT.

>> Larry: I THINK WE CANIMAGINE WHAT KEITH MIGHT HAVE

DONE, BASED ON HIS-->> ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE,

WHERE AM I?

OH, OKAY.

TORN APART LIMB FROM LIMB BY AWILD BOAR WHO KIND OF REMINDS

YOU OF A KUMBA FROM "THE LIONKING."

>> Larry: THAT FITS THE CRIMEAS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: OKAY.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FORTONIGHT.

I WANT TO THANK OUR PANELISTS,KEITH ROBINSON, DAN SODER, ALEX

WAGNER, AND THANKS TO OURAUDIENCE MEMBER LINDA PICATTI

FINALLY TONIGHT, AS THOSE WHOFOLLOW US ON TWITTER KNOW ONE

WRITER ON MY STAFF LIVE-TWEETSTHE SHOW EACH NIGHT.

TONIGHT THAT WRITER IS HOLLYWALKER.

SO FOLLOW @NIGHTLYSHOW ONTWITTER AND JOIN THE LIVE TWEET,

AND IF FACEBOOK IS MORE YOURTHING, LIKE "THE NIGHTLY SHOW"

TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHINGWE'RE DOING ONLINE.

LINDA?

>> GOOD NIGHTLY, EVERYONE.

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