July 21, 2016 - Salman Rushdie

  • 07/21/2016

A restaurant displays a "Black Olives Matter" sign, and Larry discusses Ted Cruz's apparent refusal to endorse Donald Trump with Salman Rushdie, Jordan Carlos and Grace Parra.

-(cheering continues)-Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I am Larry Wilmore.

Great crowd tonight.

-(audience chanting "Larry!")-What a week it has been.

Oh, thank you very much.Thank you very much.

We got a lotto talk about, guys.

We got to get this going.

No, I appreciate the "Larry,Larry" train, I get it, but...

There is a very significanttrain this week,

the Republican NationalConvention in Cleveland.

So let's check in withthe latest of the Unblackening.

(screeching)

(inhales)

(both screeching)

(both screeching)

Donald Trump acceptsthe nomination

and addresses the nation.

(laughter)

It's really happening, you guys.

Earlier this eveningDonald Trump accepted

the Republican nomination

to be Presidentof the United States.

Now, we taped our showbefore this happened,

so we don't know if anyoneis receiving this transmission.

-(laughter)-Um...

I mean... as the Earth mayalready be a singed wasteland

at this point, we don't know.

-(imitates electronic beeping)-(laughter)

But last night was the nightto roll out the VP, Mike Pence,

also known as Jonny Quest'sbodyguard, Race Bannon.

(laughter)

-(applause, whooping)-Yeah. Remember that? Race?

Come on. Come on.

Uh... uh, he did so wellin his speech,

the presumptive nominee came outand was a bit presumptuous.

(applause)

Mm.

That was so unpleasant, man.

Wasn't it? Actually,uh, let's see that again

but from a different angle, Dre?

(applause)

To be clear, to be clear,I would vote Alien over Trump.

I just want youto know that. Okay.

But what's interesting,if you see that,

you can actually see MikePence's brain working there.

Right? It's like, "Oh, my God,is he going to kiss me?

No, no. No!"

(laughter)

And I'm really surprisedat Trump.

There's so much irony in this.Pence is one of the most

anti-LGBT governors,and you're trying to plant

and nationally televisedman-kiss on him?

Hmm. Somebody needs to dosome vetting.

-(laughter)-Hmm. But I can't even imagine

what was really goingthrough Pence's mind, though.

-WALKER: We can!-Oh. -(others cheering)

Oh, hey, how are you?Okay, all right...

-(audience cheering) -Allour contributors, everybody.

Okay, go for it. Tell me whatwas going through Pence's mind.

-Go for it. -Well,I think Pence was thinking,

like, "Uh, you knowI'm not Ivanka, right?"

(laughter, shouting)

Oh, oh, no, wait, wait,how about this one,

how about this one--Mike Pence was like,

"This mother (bleep)smell like denture cream

-and wig glue."-(laughter)

No, no, no. No, no, I got it.He's saying,

"I defunded Planned Parenthood,but I support aborting this."

(shouting, groaning)

-Oh, yeah!-No, nah, nah, nah, nah.

You know what that was? That'show you kiss your side piece

when your wifejust showed up to the party,

-that's what that was.-(groaning, shouting)

Check this out. Okay.

Mike Penceabout to get chose...!

Nah, nah, nah.Check me out, check me out.

"My mind is telling me no,but my body is also saying no."

-No.-(laughter)

Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Yeah. Yeah, Mike Pence is like,

"Um, I'm not at all comf...comfortable with this.

I-I-I... I prefer three feetof personal space."

-Come on, man, what the hell-No, no. No, guys, let me...

-was that, man?-let me do another one.

-You ruined the whole thing.-I got... I have another one.

Mike Pence is all, "Pleaserespect my personal boundaries."

No, Jordan, that-that'sreally not that funny.

-Yeah. -Thanks, everybody,except Jordan.

-(applause, cheering)-Very good.

Nice try.

All right...

so... it was a big,awkward night for the VP,

but the nightgot awkward-er-er...

er... when Texas senator

and noted anti-dildo activistTed Cruz--

-(laughter) -uh, this is true,did you see that?--

r-refused-- oh! --

to endorse Donald Trump.

Stand and speakand vote your conscience.

Vote for candidatesup and down the ticket

who you trustto defend our freedom

and to be faithfulto the constitution.

(crowd booing, yelling)

Man, I ca...

Guys, this issuch a significant moment.

He got booedat his own party's convention.

Who gives a speechon such an important night

at his own party's conventionand gets booed?

I mean, who butthe Zodiac Killer?

Huh?

That's right.

Purported Zodiac Killer...

Ted Cruz serial-killed the vibe

of the room last night

by sticking to principle.

And that principle is"I am a creepy man

who wants to be presidentin 2020."

Actually, you know what,I have to tell you, though,

this... It...it makes me feel dirty

and I-I want to scrub my bodywith steel wool,

but I have to do it, um...

I got to give propsto Ted Cruz, man.

He... he stood upfor his conservative beliefs.

I mean, that's the only reason

he'd give a speechlike that, right?

I am not in the habitof supporting people

who attack my wifeand attack my father.

Oh, (bleep).

Hold on--

this is a beef?

Is this the RNC or the VMAs?

You're airing out a beef at theRepublican National Convention--

who does that?

Except the Zodiac Killer.

Huh?

Or maybe Kanye, maybe Kanye.All right.

So, I guess, well, the onlyreason he did this speech

was to protect his wife.

REPORTER: After the speech, Heidi Cruz

was actually escorted off the floor

out of security concerns

as people were heckling her and yelling things.

You left her on the floor?

No, no.

You knew you weregoing to give this speech.

You could have left her at home

with your daughterswho hate you.

Right? What, what?

They do...Guys, I didn't make that up.

Come... Dre, roll 212.Show 'em what I mean.

-Ow, ow, ow! Ow.-(growls)

Good job, good j...

She...

I think she, uh...

looks like sheMike Penced him, right?

I wonder what was going through her mind during that.

La-Larry, uh,can I give this a shot?

Oh, yeah, yeah,sure, sure, sure, Jordan.

Yeah, okay, she was, um, like...

"This is uncomfortable,'cau-'cause you're my dad."

Jordan, you really suck at this.

-(bleep)!-Yeah.

-It's all right, man,-(bleep).

It's all right.

But, uh, so,everyone's upset at Cruz

and this whole speech, but noteveryone's upset with Cruz.

In fact, some out there arecalling him a principled hero.

But I have to say,

if the bar for calling someonea principled hero

is not endorsing the guywho called Mexicans rapists,

wants to ban Muslims,

seems to want to sleep withhis daughter,

regularly says completelymisogynist garbage,

has no real ideas,has been accused

of attempted sexual assault,

defrauded peopletrying to get their education,

denigrated a POW,and, worst of all,

tried to sell us all somefrankly underwhelming steaks...

we are in a lot of trouble.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back!

All right, did you guys,uh, see this earlier?

Uh, this week--I'm not making this up--

an Italian restaurantin New Mexico changed their sign

to read "Black Olives Matter."

All right.

Come on, man!

I mean, you're gonna putthat sign up right now?

That's like a Biz Markie levelof tone deafness, all right?

(off-key):♪ You got what I need

(groans)

Now, of course,the outrage was swift,

uh, to this restaurant,and they responded by taking

the, uh, sign down.

Uh, so... but here tonightto offer up a sincere apology

is the owner of that Italianrestaurant, Luigi Albanese.

-I... It's-a no good.-(cheering and applause)

It's-a no good. Larry,what I did, it's-a no good.

I'm so very sorry. I apologize.

-Please. I apologize to you.No. -Oh, yeah.

I apologize to your viewers.

I apol...I apologize to everybody!

I just want to make-a the pizza.That's all I want to do, huh?

-I make it a-hot.I make it a-fresh. -Right.

I no mean to hurt-a nobody.

Hey, man, hey, it's okay.Look, on-on behalf of everybody,

-apology accepted. Don't worryabout it. -Oh. Thank you, Larry.

-Look, I got the good news, huh?I change-a the sign. -Mm-hmm.

-Take a look, take a look.-Oh, okay. Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, "All Olives Matter"?

Wait a minute,I think that's worse.

Wh-What are you talking about,Larry?

I thoughtthat black was-a no good.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, black is-a good.Black is-a good. -No?

But "All Lives Matter" is whatpeople say when they want

to nullify... No, when they wantto nullify Black Lives Matter.

People don't like that.Even if you say it with olives.

Oh. Moron. I am so sorry, Larry.

-Oh, no, it's okay.-How could this happen again?

-I don't know.-Look... (stammers) I only want

-to make-a the pizza.That's why. -I know.

How do you like it?You like it hot and fresh?

'Cause I make it hot and fresh!That's what I do. I don't...

I don't write-a signs.I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's obviousyou meant no harm, Luigi.

Apology accepted. But,you know what, I tell you what,

maybe just stay awayfrom olives entirely, all right?

You like-a the mushrooms, huh?

-Hmm?-Uh, no, no, not really.

Ooh. You no like-a the shrooms.I get it, huh?

Here, uh, let me change-athe sign again. One second.

-Hold on. -No, you don't haveto change the sign

just 'causeI don't like mushroom.

-It, uh...-Okay, I'm-a back.

-I do fast, huh? Here you go.Take a look, Larry. -Okay.

-New sign, huh? -All right.No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. Okay."Hands up, don't shroom!"

No. Luigi, Luigi,

-that's even worse, Luigi.-What?

-What is your problem, man?-What, it's-it's-a no good?

-No, it's no good!-I did it...

-You did it again!-I'm so sorry, Larry!

-I'm so s...-Okay, it's okay. Calm down.

-You like-a the fruit, huh?-Yes, I like fruit.

-Ah, do you like-a the figs?-No, I-I hate figs.

Ooh, then I got a nice-a signfor you. Hold on one second.

Why? You don't have to makea sign for that, Luigi.

Every... I have a feelingthis is gonna be horrible.

Okay, I'm-a back. Look, Larry,

-I included a certain somebodyyou know. -Okay.

-Take a look, huh?-Really? What? No, no!

"Larry Wilmore says:God hates figs"? No, Luigi!

Luigi, I never said that.I didn't...

What? No, no, no, you did!

-You said the figsare a-no good! -Figs!

-You just said it!-Yeah, but it...

You know what, blank sign, okay?

Just go with a blank signand make a pizza, all right?

Make-a pizza, not-a war?

-Oh, that's good.I like that one. -Ah!

-Go with that one.-All right. G-God bless.

-All right, good night, huh?All right. -Very good.

God bless you, too, Luigi.

Luigi Albanese.

Man. It's not right.

All right.Moving on to an outrageous story

that you guys probably sawtrending on Twitter today.

This unarmed black man withhis hands up is Charles Kinsey.

Now, before I go any further,I want you to know he's olive...

I-I mean alive. Uh...

Damn you, Luigi Albanese.(chuckles)

But Charlesis a mental health worker,

and after one of the patientsfrom his group home

wandered away,the police were called.

And this is what happenedwhen they arrived on the scene.

REPORTER: You can hear Kinsey, a counselor,

advising his patient.

-Shut up! -The young man in his 20s

sat cross-legged while holding a white toy truck.

Kinsey was unarmed, yet, instinctively,

he kept his hands in the air.

Okay, that's smart.Comply, comply, comply.

Can't be too carefulas a black man these days, okay?

But then what?Where did he go wrong?

Because as longas he has his hands up,

they're not going to shoot him,right? He's complying.

As long as I got my hands up,they're not gonna shoot me--

this is what I'm thinking.They're not gonna shoot me.

Wow, was I wrong.

Yep, they (bleep) shot him.

I mean, you can't drive whileblack, can't walk while black.

Now you can't proactively complywhile black?

I mean, police--this is a serious question--

what more do you wantblack people to do?

KINSEY: They cuffed my hands and they flipped me over

and I'm standing there.I was like, "Sir,

why did you shoot me?"And his... and his words to me,

he said, "I don't know."

"I don't know"?!

"I don't know" is not whatyou say after you shoot someone.

If you get shot by the cops,you don't want the officer

to pull an Urkel and be like,"Did I do that?

Ooh. I'm sorry."

That's not good enough.

Charles Kinseyshould sue the (bleep) out

of that police department.

(cheering and applause)

I'm telling you.

I'm just sayin',thank God he's okay.

I hope he has a good lawyer.

REPORTER: Hilton Napoleon is Kinsey's attorney.

-Uh...-(audience laughing)

Just going on name alone,"Hilton Napoleon" sounds, uh,

sounds likea pretty good lawyer.

I mean, if you have a littleextra money,

you might spring fora "Marriott Napoleon," but, uh,

it sounds like Kinsey'sin good hands,

if he plays his cards right.

He might get a free continentalbreakfast buffet, you know,

a little self-servewaffle station in the morning.

It's good.

It sounds like good.

-But, uh...-(applause)

All right.

Let's, uh,let's hear what you got,

Mr. Hilton Napoleon.

He really feels likehe did everything

that he could possibly doto cooperate.

Well, I don't know if thatargument is very persuasive.

Did Charles Kinseytry being not black?

I'm pretty sure that mighthave helped.

I'm so sick of this (bleep).

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Jordan Carlos.

(applause, cheering)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(applause, cheering)

And the paperback versionof his novel,

Two Years Eight Months and Twenty-Eight Nights is out now,

author Salman Rushdie.

CARLOS:Yes, yes.

And for everyone at home,

join our conversation right nowon Twitter,

@nightlyshow,using the hashtag #Tonightly.

-So last night at theconvention, -RUSHDIE: Oh, yes.

Ted Cruz refused to back Trump.

Take a look,if you didn't see it.

Don't stay home in November.

(applause, cheering)

If you love our countryand love your children

as much as I know that you do,

stand and speakand vote your conscience,

vote for candidates up and downthe ticket who you trust

to defend our freedom

and to be faithfulto the Constitution.

(applause and boos)

-Okay, straight up.-RUSHDIE: Yeah.

(chuckles)Well, you know...

Did he just perform a servicefor America?

Will we be thanking him laterif Trump is not the president?

Well, you know, look,first of all,

-I agree with everything hesaid. -WILMORE: Yeah.

I just don't think you're goingto find those people

in the Republican party.

(applause)

It's difficult.

I don't know.

Something sticks in my throat

about saying "thank you"to Ted Cruz.

-WILMORE: Yeah, I know.-You know, because...

Very, very difficult.

Because, you know,he's a snake, too.

Yeah, and the Zodiac Killer.

-Yeah, and the Zodiac Killer.-We know that.

So it's like you got two snakes,you know, I mean, two apples.

Well, I think it's a...

I think Trump is a snake.

I think he's a weasel.

-Oh.-Yeah.

Doesn't the weaselkill the snake?

Is that a thing?

I think the snakekills the weasel.

I think the mongoosekills the snake. Yeah.

-Oh, yes. -Yeah, mongoose.-That's it, right.

Maybe Hillary's the mongoose.

-Yeah, yeah.-Maybe.

-Oh, it's looking twisted now.-Oh.

-You got...-Yeah.

I-I think he absolutelyperformed a service,

and it's sad because it usedto be that doing, I don't know,

active military dutywas considered service...

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.-...and now it's like,

some guy opposes Trump?

Give him the Purple Heart!

-I know.-Yeah!

WILMORE:Yeah.

It takes very little these days.

-I mean, I, you know,actually... -WILMORE: Sure.

I've never seena political event like this.

WILMORE:Me, either.

-It's fascinating, yeah.-You know, I mean, never.

I mean, I'm not quite old enough

to rememberthe Nuremberg Rallies.

WILMORE: Yeah.

-Probably a good thing.-CARLOS: Yeah. Okay.

-Or the trial.-But... but you know,

but in--if they weren't in German

-and they were in English...-WILMORE: Yeah.

...they could sound like this.

-WILMORE: I know.-You know?

And I think whenHillary talks about how

it's more like a witch huntthan a political...

-WILMORE: Yeah.-She's right, you know.

-WILMORE: I know, it's sobizarre. -It feels like...

they want to lynch somebody

except for a changeit's a white woman.

Yeah, and you got--and he brings out the family,

you know, and, uh, I mean,the Von Trumps,

as I like to call them,you know.

-CARLOS: Yeah.-PARRA: Mm-hmm.

It's, uh, yeah, I mean'cause they look so nice

and they're smilingand they're singing.

♪ Auf Wiedersehen, good-bye

♪ Democracy, good-bye.

And it's like... right?

-But I feel like...-(Carlos laughs)

I feel like insteadof leading... instead of leading

everyone out of Nazi Germany,they're leading us in, right?

CARLOS (laughing):Into Nazi Germany.

That's the difference.

But it's just bizarre to me,you know.

This whole week has beenstrange, don't you think?

Well, they've been... they-theydid present the family...

-WILMORE: Yeah.-as, like, this-this... right...

this, like, this-this...this aristocracy...

WILMORE:Those are the characters, yeah.

...that you're supposedto be like,

why, look at sweet Ivanka,the princess.

-PARRA: Uh-huh.-And-and the boy can talk!

-You know what I mean, like,it's... -WILMORE: Right.

-It's, like, ridiculous.-Yeah, right.

-RUSHDIE: So, you know,except... -Yeah.

...one of them's a plagiarist.

-WILMORE: Yes.-PARRA: Right.

One-one of them goes to Africato shoot leopards and...

-WILMORE: Yeah. Lions.-...you-you know, elephants...

Why you-- why you gotto bring it down?

Why you got to do that?

WILMORE:No, but that's his family.

-No, you're right. -I'm justsaying, I'm glad it's...

-I'm glad it's not my family.-CARLOS: Yeah.

Do you think we're seeingthe end of the Republican party?

Seriously.

Well, seriously,I think that it's not that...

this is not a partythat Nixon would recognize

-or Reagan would recognize.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

You know, I mean, it seems awful

to think of Nixonas the good guy.

WILMORE:Yeah.

So, let me tell you...

No, Nixon is Einsteincompared to, uh...

no, guys, Trump is stupid,you guys!

-PARRA: Yeah, yeah.-He's stupid.

-PARRA: It's true.-CARLOS: Yeah, yeah.

And you have to know this!

Please, America, listen to me.

Trump is not a bright man.

It's worse thannot a bright man.

-CARLOS: Yeah.-He's stupid, you know?

-CARLOS: Yeah, he's...-PARRA: Yeah, actively dumb.

No, when-when they,when, the day

he was sittingwith The Washington Post,

I think it was nine reportersor something,

and I love Andrea Mitchellis telling the story

and the frustration on her face,

when they're-they're just tryingto ask him a question

about foreign policyand he changes the subject...

-CARLOS: Yeah.-...about how many votes he got.

And then the whole debaclewith NATO this week.

He-he thinks NATOis Liquid-Plumr,

like it's a household product.

-PARRA: Yeah.-He doesn't even...

I don't think he knowswhat NATO is.

-I don't think he does.-It's a mosquito repellant.

-I really don't. -I don't thinkhe knows what a treaty is.

-WILMORE: Yeah. Yes.-PARRA: Right. -CARLOS: Yeah.

You sign a treaty, it meansyou do what you agree to do.

-CARLOS: Correct.-PARRA: Right. -WILMORE: Yeah.

CARLOS: Yeah. He says it like,with the Balkan states, like,

"We have to look at ifthey're holding up their part

of the agreement with us,"and stuff like that.

-Which is crazy.-WILMORE: Right.

And then, I think he just thinksof the Balkans

as a place to shop for wives,

-first of all, so he doesn'treally think about... -Mm-hmm.

-Which for him it is, though.It actually is. -Yeah. Yeah.

-(applause and cheering) -Yeah,I mean, it's like literally...

That's, uh...that's how he understands it.

WILMORE:Everything is a transaction.

-PARRA AND CARLOS: Yes.-It's a business transaction.

CARLOS:He's a mercenary.

-Yeah. -Everything is, like,transactional.

-It's just not gonna work.-I read somewhere that he was

-planning to outsource...-WILMORE: Oh, yeah.

-...domestic and foreign policy-PARRA: Yes.

...to the vice president.-CARLOS: Oh...

-(laughter)-John Kasich. Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.-You know? While he focuses

-on making America great.-WILMORE: Making America great!

-That's right.-PARRA: What does that mean?

-CARLOS & PARRA: What does thatmean? -WILMORE: Yeah, you didn't

see Obama saying, "You know,Biden, you govern. I'm gonna

-'Yes we can' everywhere."(mumbles) -(laughter)

-"I'm just gonna..."-RUSHDIE: Yeah.

"That's what I'm gonna do."

Could be at ribbon cuttings andthings like that and, like...

-What does that even mean?-I don't... -More golf courses.

-He's stupid is what I'm tellingyou, Salman. -PARRA: Yeah.

RUSHDIE:Yeah. It's, how do you

make America greatwhen you're not running it?

(laughter)

WILMORE: But what does that sayabout America right now

that we havea major political party

-that would choose this personas its leader? -RUSHDIE: It's...

That we have daddy issues?

-(laughter) -Daddy issues,you think? -Possibly.

We need a dadto just tuck us in at night.

WILMORE:I think they're worse

than daddy issues, you know.

You know, I mean, I'm gonna...Let me say something...

-WILMORE: Yes, please. -...whichis kind of unfashionable,

which is, I think he's goingto lose real heavily.

-WILMORE: You think so?-Yeah.

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. I'm scared.-Um, and...

-(cheers and applause) -Mm-hmm.-Right. -RUSHDIE: I mean,

I think if you lookat the demographics,

-they don't look greatfor Trump. -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

I mean, I can't see

that a large number of womenare going to vote for him.

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. Yeah.-I can't see that...

I mean, I think he scoreda wonder...

He scored zero percentin Ohio recently amongst...

WILMORE:No, I hear you.

-...amongst black people. -Ihave to tell you, Mr. Rushdie,

that my only problem is thatyou're using your brain

right now,and you're using life...

-(laughter) -Yes.-WILMORE: I understand that.

-Yes. -But we're talkingabout Trump.

-RUSHDIE: We're talking... Yeah.-Nothing makes sense.

-Nothing. -No, nothingmakes sense, that's true.

That's where I'm gonna leave it.

-We'll be right there.-(cheers and applause)

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