San Francisco

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 08/06/2013

Patty Hearst gets kidnapped and brainwashed; Mark Twain flees the city and finds his unlikely first hit story. Featuring Kristen Wiig, Terry Crews and Lisa Bonet.

SHE'D BEEN ACTIVELYFREEING SLAVES.

SHE SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT,JAMES BROWN.

JOHN BROWN.[laughing]

JOHN BROWN,A FAMOUS ABOLITIONIST,

WHO WAS A WHITE MAN--

YOU KNOW,HE'S TRYING TO FREE SLAVES.

HERE'S MY MONEY.

HERE'S $30,000SO YOU CAN BUY GUNS AND STUFF.

THEY BUY LAND IN CANADA

BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA OPENA HOME AND FARM

SO THAT THESE FREED SLAVESCAN GO LIVE.

JOHN BROWN GETS CAUGHT,

AND THEY FIND A LETTER ON HIM

THAT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE,

HEY, I'M IN SUPPORT OF YOU

AND I'M GONNA KEEP BEINGIN SUPPORT OF YOU.

JUST MAKESOME [bleep] HAPPEN.

AND INSTEAD OF M.E.P.,IT LOOKED LIKE W.E.P.

SO IT WAS PUBLISHEDEVERYWHERE.

EVERYBODY BE ON THE LOOKOUTFOR SOME DICK NAMED W.E.P.

WHERE WAS I AT,HISTORICALLY?

- MM-MM.

- AT THAT TIME, SHE WAS IN LOVEWITH A MAN NAMED THOMAS BELL.

HE WAS A SCOTSMAN.

[romantic music playing]

HE WAS A BUSINESSMAN.

AND SHE LOVED HIM.

[music stops]

THAT IS--THAT WAS NOT ME FARTING.

THAT'S...THE...CHAIR.

AND THEY HAD BUSINESSESTOGETHER,

MEANING LAUNDRIES,

AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,AND BULL[bleep].

AND TOGETHER,THEY AMASSED A FORTUNE

OF $30 MILLION.

WHICH, LIKE, NOWADAYS...

IS LIKE A BATRILLION GILLIONA-DOLLARS.

IN, LIKE, ONEOF THE "CENSUSESES,"

SHE OUTTED HERSELFAS A BLACK WOMAN.

WHEN THE LOVE OF HER LIFE,THOMAS BELL, DIED,

PEOPLE STARTED TALKINGABOUT HER BADLY.

THEY--WHAT'S IT CALLED?

THEY "DISMISSINATED" HER.

THEY "SHENAMENANATED" HER.

THEY [talking gibberish] HER.[laughing]

HE WAS A MASTER PROVOCATEUR.

HE STARTS TAKING ON,LIKE, THE LOCAL POLITICIANS

AND POLICE FORCE.

HE WOULD JUST, LIKE,TAKE JABS AT THEM

IN HIS WRITING FORLOCAL NEWSPAPERS AND [bleep].

HE WAS JUST LIKE, PFFT.OKAY, WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

MARK TWAIN [bleep] UP.

HE IS STRAIGHT UPA [bleep] AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.

AND HE GOES OUTTO THE MIDDLE OF [bleep] NOWHERE

AND HANGS OUT AT THE LOCAL[bleep] WATERING HOLE, SALOON.

THERE'S A GUYWHO'S HANGING OUT THERE

WHO CONSTANTLY SPINS YARNS.

OH, I GOT A STORY,MY NAME'S BEN COON,

AND I GOT A LITTLE STORYFOR YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE,[bleep] I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ITNO MORE.

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

THERE'S MARK TWAINSITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BAR.

UH, I'LL [bleep] LISTEN.

BEN COON'S LIKE,FINALLY.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA [bleep] LISTENTO MY BULL[bleep].

SO HE'S LIKE,OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL.

THERE'S THESE TWO DUDES

ARE PITTING FROGSAGAINST EACH OTHER

IN A LEAPING CONTEST.

SO EVERYBODY ELSE IS JUST LIKE,GOD DAMN IT,

I'VE HEARD THIS [bleep] STORY100 TIMES.

AND ONE MAN SABOTAGESTHE OTHER MAN'S LEAPING FROG

BY FEEDING HIMLEAD-FILLED BUCKSHOT

SO THAT THE OPPONENT'S FROGCAN'T JUMP AS HIGH.

YEAH.

IT GETS THAT DIRTYIN THE FROG JUMPING WORLD.

ANYWAYS,MARK TWAIN'S JUST LIKE,

THIS IS AN AWESOME[bleep] STORY.

YES! I'M GONNA WRITEABOUT THIS [bleep].

MARK TWAIN GOES BACKTO HIS TYPEWRITER

OR WHATEVER THE [bleep]--HIS COMPUTER--

AND GOES, BRRRRR.

I'M GONNA TRANSCRIBE THISIN THIS DULLED-DOWN,

EVERYMAN'S STORYTELLING.

BANG!

THAT STORY GETS PICKED UPAND BECOMES A [bleep] HUGE HIT.

AND IT'S DESCRIBED AS"STORY OF THE DAY!"

MARK TWAINHAS HIT THE [bleep].

WHAT HE'S DONEIS AMA-ZING.

IN THIS NICE APARTMENTTHAT HER PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR.

SO THEY'RE SITTING AT HOME,

AND SHE'S READINGIN HER BATHROBE WITH HER FIANCE.

AND THEN THERE'S, LIKE,A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

[dog barking]NO. CUTIE, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S FAKE.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE DOGS.

QUIET!QUIET, QUIET, QUIET!

SHE OPENS THE DOOR.

LIKE, OH, CAN WE HELP YOU?

OH, WE RAN OUT OF GAS MONEY.BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,THEY ALL CAME POURING IN.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, AHH!

AND THEY BEAT UPTHE MATH TEACHER,

STRANGLE HER,AND TAKE HER CAPTIVE.

BRING HER IN A VANOVER TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS.

SHE'S BLINDFOLDED.SHE'S GAGGED.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S GAGGED.SHE'S DEFINITELY BLINDFOLDED.

THEY PUT HER IN THIS CLOSET.IT'S LIKE THE SIZE OF A CLOSET.

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOWWHAT'S HAPPENING, REALLY.

SO IT'S 57 DAYSSHE'S IN THIS ROOM.

SO FINALLY, ONE DAY,

THEY LET HER GET OUTOF THE CLOSET,

AND THEY TAKE OFFHER BLINDFOLD.

AND SHE LOOKS OUTAND SHE SEES ALL THE PEOPLE.

SHE'S LIKE, OH, MY GOD,YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

OH, WHO ARE THESE PEO--

LIKE, YOU GUYS LIKE--YOU'RE MY MOMMY.

THIS IS ESSENTIALLYWHAT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IS.

THAT WAS THE SYMBIONESELIBERATION ARMY.

"SYMBIONESE" IS NOT A WORD.

IT'S--THEY KINDA MADE IT UP.

THEY'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD.

NOW YOUR NAME'S TANIA.

AND THIS IS YOUR NEW LIFE.

AND SHE'S LIKE...

OKAY.

[upbeat rock]

AND THEN THEY DOA PHOTO SHOOT,

AND SHE PUT THE BERET ONAND A MACHINE GUN,

AND SHE'S, LIKE,ALL WITH THE S.L.A.

SO SHE STARTED RECORDINGTHESE AUDIO TAPES

AND SENDING THEMTO HER PARENTS.

MOM, DAD, I'M OKAY.

BUT I NEED YOU TO FEEDEVERY POOR PERSON.

THAT ENDS UP BEINGLIKE 300,000.

$300 MILLION.

THEY'RE ALREADY STUPID.LIKE, THEY COULD NOT COUNT.

AND THE HEARSTS ARE LIKE,WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY.

WE'LL GIVE YOU $3 MILLION.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

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