Monday, March 14, 2016

  • 03/14/2016

Nick Youssef, Whitney Cummings and Josh McDermitt describe unusual comic book characters, cook up #ScienceFoods and list hipster college courses.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh!

(cheers and applause)

Here's a list of stuff peoplecould not get enough of today.

First up-- Oculus Riff.Oculus Riff.

Coachella, the annual

music festivaland sunstroke pilgrimage,

announced a virtual reality app,which will allow attendees

to experience allthe sweaty desert fun

without having to massagesunscreens into their beards.

You see, you just puta little phone

and your little headset like so.

Here we go.Phwink, phwink, phwink.

And then, you're in Coachella.

-(applause and cheering)-There we go. -Oh.


HARDWICK:How else are....

do you poop at a rave?

I don't know how else you'resupposed to poop at a rave.

This.. this guy looks...this guy looks

like he's aboutto give birth to Prince.

-(laughter) -Uh, all of...-CUMMINGS: I actually think

this is American Apparel'snew ad campaign.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All of these people

behind him are like, "Why amI covered in brown glitter?"


what are some othervirtual reality experiences

you might getwith a Coachella VR app?

-Josh McDermitt. -You actuallyget all your (bleep) stolen

while you're wearingthose stupid goggles.

-Yeah. Points. Points.-(laughter)

-Whitney Cummings.-You can get virtually peed on

by R. Kelly's hologram.


-Nick Youssef.-You stand in line for two hours

for a Porta Potti,then you realize

they're sellingSam Smith shirts,

and then you(bleep) there anyway.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter)

Next up, Basketball Promotions,Basketball Promotions.

The Sacramento Kings'basketball concern

unleashedan exciting halftime spectacle

that made the Internetsqueeeeeeee with eight Es!

What was said halftime show?

-Whitney.-I don't know!


-You buzzed in too quick!-I know, but...

(laughter, applause)

All right,what's the question? Uh...

-(laughter) -Can we do this,like, what's it called,

uh, Price Is Right, where the audience helps me?

-Yeah, sure. -Okay.-(cheering, applause)

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

-So... -All right, audience,what do you think?

What's it gonna be?

-(audience shouting answers)-Is it a ba... Ah. Oh.

-Okay.-All right, Whitney.

You guys better not (bleep) meon this.

-(laughter)-Dropping the F bomb,

very commonon The Price Is Right program.

-Okay, but I should be, like,jumping, -What's it gonna be?

'cause they'realways jumping. Crazy.

It's C, Chris!

-(laughter, cheering)-All right!

You said C.

The audience also said C.

If you're right, you'regonna win a brand-new points.


That's not the correct answer.

-CUMMINGS: (bleep)!-(audience groaning)

The correct answerwas in fact...

-MAN: Go!-(laughter)

Come on, Sacramento,let me hear you!

Landers taking a quick nap.

McDERMITT:No. Oh, my God.

(man shouting indistinctly)

And this is how Kobe Bryantreinjured his knee.

-He stepped on a baby.-He tripped over a baby.

-CUMMINGS: Goddamn it.-I just thought this was

more Coachella footage,just these...

-drunk babies.-(laughter)

The losing babies were sentenced

to a lifetime of servitudeat the nachos stand.

You should've crawled faster,you lazy (bleep)!

CUMMINGS: No, their punishmentis being the baby

of someone who would put themin that contest.

-Yeah, that's right. -They'regonna be really bummed out

when they find outthey live in Sacramento.


-Hundred points to Nick Youssef.-(applause, whooping)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

If you're just joining us,it's Pi Day.

You may remember I recited piat the beginning of the show,

and any ladies who were sittingon the couch near you slid off

-from all the...-(laughter)

Right off the couch!

My love for this dayis a mathematical constant.

Let's cut off another slicefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

#ScienceFoods, #ScienceFoods.

Uh, examples might be:Coperni-custard,

or: Bunsen burger.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Whitney Cummings. -Um, Uranus,'cause some people eat (bleep).


Nick Youssef.

Theory of Everything bagel.

-Points.-CUMMINGS: Oh, good.

-Josh McDermitt.-Nom, Nom, Nom Chomsky.

Points! Oh, so good!

-Josh. -Stephen Hawking'smeals on wheels.


(applause, cheering)


Nick Youssef.

Dark chocolate matter.

-Points.-CUMMINGS: Yeah!

Whitney Cummings.

Planet of the grapes.

-(laughter)-I'm only giving you points

because you bailed on itimmediately.

-Josh.-E equals M&M squared.


-Nick.-String cheese theory.

Yeah, points.I'll give you that.


Neil deGrasse-fed beef.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)


Bill Nye the science fries.

-Yes. Points.-(cheering, applause)

It's time to play Super Zeroes,Super Zeroes.


I know you've never heardof this game,

-so I appreciate your support.-(laughter)

Superheroes are knownfor having kickass backstories,

like being bitby a radioactive spider

and gaining cool superpowers...

instead of coughing up bloodand losing all their hair.

But... not all heroesare that lucky.

Some superheroes end up lookinglike total butter crystal ball.

Uh, like this...


...very sexy light bulb.

-(laughter)-Uh... but there are tons

of horrible heroes and villainsto goof on,

so let's take a look at some,and then we'll goof.

Comedians, I'm gonna show you

some obscure comic bookcharacters, and for 250 points,

you answer questions about them.First up, we have...

Matter-Eater Lad.

-(laughter) -Matter-Eater Lad.He seems to be able to eat

any and all matter.

What is his catchphrase?Josh.

Don't judge me,I'm going through a breakup.


Wait a minute...

Are you sure? I thinkhe's on the fence about it.

Aw... Hey.

-There you go.Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, come on, kids, your ol' dad

knows how to mix it upwith comedy.

Next up, how about NFL Superpro?

How about NFL Superpro?

Uh, what is his weakness?Nick.

Uh, turning 30.

Points. Yup.

CUMMINGS:Oh, funny.

Whitney Cummings.

Uh, his weaknessis spelling and pussy.



His weakness is the stateof Florida's child custody laws.

Points. Yeah.

Next up, this viral sensation:Infectious Lass.

Infectious Lass.

What's the nameof her super team? Josh.

The Hepatitis Four.



Uh, HPV for Vendetta.


Next up, we haveArm Fall Off Boy.


Can we... can I...

can we just point out the soundof your arm ripping off is...

-Yeah, yeah, it's-it's "plorp".-Obviously plorp. -Plorp.

It's plorp. I mean, you know,you work on Walking Dead,

a lot of peopleget their limbs ripped off.

You-you probably hearplorps all the time.

Uh, who is his sidekick?Who is his sidekick? Josh.

The drummer from Def Leppard.

Oh, no.



Together they canboth lift a box.


It only makes sensethat his sidekick

-is Arm Put Back On Boy.-Yeah, points.

That would only make sense.

Next up, beware The Fiddler!

Oh, oh.

Green is an evil color.

What is usedto defeat this villain? Nick.

A, uh, younger,more talented Asian fiddler.


Next up, duck,it's Codpiece!

-Here comes Codpiece.-McDERMITT: Oh...

Uh, where did heget his super power?

Where did he gethis super power? Josh.

Let me ask you this, Chris--have you ever tried

(bleep) a microwave?


I mean, like, you know,I've 69'd one,

but I haven't, like...

We all have.

I set it to 69 and thenI hit start and then...

Before the break,

I told you that the Michigantown of Hell is for sale.

I asked you to buy itand give me

its new tourism campaign slogan.Let's see what you came up with.

Whitney Cummings.

Come to Hell, Michigan,because (bleep) it.


seriously, (bleep) it.

All right. All right.

Nick Youssef, Nick Youssef.

Hey, pal, we will see youin Michigan.

All right.

Josh McDermitt.

Hell, Michigan--where murderers go

when there's no oneleft to kill in Detroit.

As we go to our next game,

PH-Drunk. PH-Drunk.

I don't... I don't know.

I don't think it's a surprisefor me to point out to anyone

that college studentscan be real douches.

Uh, with all their half-bakedpolitical opinions,

their belliesfull of mystery drugs

and playlistscomposed of awful jam bands.

Wow, this bass solo gets reallygood around minute eight,

and you justgot to feel it, you know.

Well, now the UCLAExtension school is actually

preparing studentsto be insufferable jackwads

long after they leave college.

They're now offering a classin craft beer.

-Craft beer. And don't (bleep)tweet me to... -(whooping)

Shut up! Don't (bleep)tweet me to tell me

what an "art form" it is.I don't care.

Uh... 'Cause if there'sone thing hipsters need

it's more validation. So,comedians, if you could now...

if you could now get creditfor loudly spouting off

about hoppy IPAs, what aresome even more insufferable

hipster college classesthat one could offer?

In 60 seconds. And begin. Josh.

Intro to Getting Horrible(bleep) Out of Your Beard.

Points. Nick.

Intro to Being Totally Over It,Bro.

Points. Josh.

Math 206: How to CountAll the Members of Arcade Fire.

Points. Nick.

Pretending to Like Kale.

Points. Josh.

This is obviously rigged!

It's not.

-It is so obviously rigged.-It's not.

I feel like I'm getting canceledagain!

Aw. It's okay.

-It's okay. It's okay.It's okay. -It's okay.

-Nobody watches you here either.-I... -Oh!


Sorry-sorry I'm noton the only show

people (bleep) watch anymore!

(cheering and applause)


and we're out of time.