Monday, September 8, 2014

  • 09/08/2014

Brandon Johnson, Randy Sklar and Jason Sklar come up with origin stories for a trippy football mascot, list #NFLRappers and write catchphrases for unusual bar mitzvah DJs.

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: WELL, WELL.

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALLING LEAGUERETURNED THIS WEEKEND, AND THE

HIGHLIGHT HAD TO BE STEELERSANTONIO BROWN, WHO'S NORMALLY

A WIDE RECEIVER, BUT ALL OF ASUDDEN, DECIDED HE WANTED TO BE

A KICKER!

>> YIKES.

CHRIS: I DON'T THINK YOU'REALLOWED TO CLEAT SOMEONE IN THE

FACE.

>> I FEEL THAT WAS PAY BACK FOR"AMERICAN HISTORY."

THE CURBING SCENE.

>> CHRIS: NATURALLY THE INTERNETWENT DEEP ON THE KICK MEMES.

WHICH ONE OF THESE GOT THE MOSTRETWEETS.

A, THIS AGGRO ODE TO 300 RIGHTTHERE.

>> LIKE THAT.>> THAT'S PITTSBURGH.

CHRIS: B, THE CLASSIC "GET HIMTHE BODY BAG."

SWEEP THE FACE.

OR C, THIS CONSPIRACY SHOCKER,ANTONIO BROWN'S DROPKICK ON THE

CLEVELAND BRUINS PUNTER WAS SETUP BY THE ILLUMINATI.

IT'S RIGHT THERE! THE CLUES AREON THE MONEY!

WHICH ONE OF THOSE GOT THE MOSTRETWEETS, GENTS. YES, RANDY.

>> UH, I THINK IT'S B.

CHRIS: YES, LET'S FIND OUT WHICHONE.

NO, A.

>> 300.

CHRIS: 300 MORE POPULAR THANKARATE KID?

WHAT'S HAPPENED, SOCIETY.

>> ABOUT 20 YEARS.

>> YES.

CHRIS: COMEDIANS FOR BONUSPOINTS GIVE ME POST GAME

COMMENTS AS THE PUNTER WHO GOTKICKED IN THE FACE.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> I GOT KICKED WHAT -- WHEN,WHEN?

CHRIS: GOOD POINTS.

>> I DO LOVE YOU MADE HIM BLACK.I'M JUST GOTTA SAY THAT.

>> -- EVEN THOUGH HE WAS WHITE.

>> EVERYTHING SHOULD BE MADEBLACK.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHRIS: YES, JAY.

>> I HAVEN'T KICKED THIS HARDSINCE I WAS 14 AND TRIED TO HAVE

SEX WITH MY UNCLE'S HORSE.

OH, CRAP DID I SAY THAT OUTLOUD?

I SERIOUSLY JUST GOT KICKED INTHE FACE.

YOU GOTTA GIVE ME A BREAK.

CHRIS: OK, POINTS, POITS,POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, WITH EVERYONE'S MINDSON NFL THIS WEEKEND, COLLEGE

FOOTBALL HAD TO SOMETHING TO GETSOME ATTENTION.

IN HONOR OF THEIR GAME AGAINSTRIVAL USC THIS SATURDAY,

STANFORD ROLLED OUT A NEWVERSION OF THE STANFORD TREE

MASCOT.

AND I USE THE TERM ROLL BECAUSEI'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS ON MOLLY.

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT THE [BLEEP]?

WHAT IS THAT! WHAT IS THAT! WHATIS THAT!

I DON'T -- WHAT IS IS THAT?

WHY?

>> HOLY GENE SIMMONS.>> JESUS CHRIST.

CHRIS: IF THAT'S A TONGUE,MRS. STANFORD TREE IS A VERY

LUCKY FERN.>> SHE IS A LUCKY FERN.

>> IT'S CALLED DO YOU YARDWORKFROM WHERE I COME FROM.

>> CHRIS: FANS TOOOK TOINSTAGRAM TO CHRONICLE THE

TREE'S DEBACKERY. HERE WAS OURFAVORITE, RIGHT HERE.

>> WAIT.

CHRIS: GOOD LUCK TO EQUIPMENTMANAGER THAT HAS TO CLEAN ALL

ALLT HE SAP OFF THOSECHEERLEADING UNIFORMS.

WHERE DID THIS CREATURE COMEFROM.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME THEORIGIN STORY OF THE NEW STANFORD

TREE. BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> WELL KEVIN HEART'S INEVERYTHING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: POINTS. NICE. RANDY.

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHENTREE HUGGING BECOMES TREE

FISTING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: WELL, IT WAS THE FIRSTWEEKEND OF THE NFL SEASON WHICH

EXPLAINS WHY YOU'RE ALLSTILL HUNGOVER AND YOUR DAD'S

YELLING AT YOU.

IN HONOR OF FOOTBALL RETURNS,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS #NFLRAPERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, FAT JOEMONTANA, TUPAC CONVERSION.

OR DR. DRE WILL TREAT YOURCONCUSSION NOW.

HE'S NOT A REAL DOCTOR.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO! YES, JAY.

>> WILL I AM PLEADING NOCONTEST.

CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

YES, RANDY.

>> LITTLE DREW BREEZY.

CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS. YES, JAY.

>> MARKY MARK SANCHEZ AND THEFUNKY BUNCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. BRANDON.

>> THE TENNESSEE T.I. TITANS.

CHRIS: NICE. OH, YEAH, GOOD.POINTS. RANDY.

>> RED ZONE THUGS AND HARMONY.

CHRIS: OKAY. ALRIGHT.

FINE.

JAY.

>> LIL JON FOOTBALL.

CHRIS: OH -- I'LL ALLOW IT.

POINTS.

IT JUST MADE IT IN. -- RANDY.

IT JUST HIT THE UPRIGHT ANDBOUCNED IN. RANDY.

>> HOW ABOUT EMINEMETT SMITH.

CHRIS: OKAY. GOOD, YEAH, I LIKEIT. BRANDON.

>> L.L. COOL JAY CUTLER.

CHRIS: OH GOOD. POINTS.>> HE'S GOT A BAD KNEE!

CHRIS: JAY,>> YOUNG DREW BREEZY.

TWISTED IT!

CHRIS: MAKES YOU THINK.

BRANDON.

>> NFLWA.

CHRIS: OKAY, GOOD. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY, LOWER THEBAR MITVAH.

LOWER THE BAR MITZVAH.

THANKS TO THE INTERNETINDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS NO

LONGER HAVE TO PLACE AN AD INTHE YELLOW PAGES TO MAKE A

LIVEABLE WAGE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY -- ARE YOUSTILL GETTING THE YELLOW PAGES

DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE?

>> YES, THEY SHOULD DELIVER ITTO MY RECYCLING BIN.

CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NO INDEPENDENTCONTRACTOR IS WELL-REGARDED

AND RESPECTED THAN THE HONORORDER OF BAR MARTMITVAH DJs.

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OFAFFORDABLE AND EXTEMELY HIP

BAR MITZVAH DJs ONLINE WATINGFOR YOU TO HIT "REQUEST A QUOTE"

ON THEIR FACEBOOK OR PERSONALPAGE.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A PICTURE OF A WACKY BAR

MITZVAH DJ WE FOUND ONLINE ANDFOR 250 POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO GIVE ME THEIR CATCHPHRASE ONTHE MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, SO FIRT ONE --

THIS FANCY FELLOW.

>> YES LADIES THE CUFFS DO MATCHTHE CARPET WHICH DOESN'T --

>> CHRIS: IT'S ALREADY A WIN.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE TO SAYIT ANYMORE.

WHICH ACTUALLY DOESN'T MATCH THEDRAPES.

CHRIS: YEAH POINTS.

LADIES, HE'S MARRIED DON'T LETTHAT STOP YOU.

>> THESE COME OFF, GUYS.

THESE COME OFF.

>> ACTUALLY HIS JACKET ISCRUSHED VELVET, LIKE HIS SPIRIT.

>> YEAH.

>> NICE. I'LL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> THIS PARTY ANIMAL --[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> GUYS, THERE'S A MASTER DJAT WORK. BRANDON.

>> MY MUSIC SAYS PARTY, BUT MYRETRAINING ORDER SAYS 20 FEET,

LADIES.

>> CHRIS: GOOD, POINTS.

YEAH, JAY.

>> MUSTACHE RIDES ARE EXTRACHEAP FOR YOU JEWS.

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKE IT.

>>I CAN'T TELL THAT JOKE. ICANNOT TELL THAT JOKE.

>> WELL I CAN DO IT.

CHRIS: NEXT ONE. WHAT ABOUT MYMAN DJ BRIAN HERE?

RANDY.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, WHO IS READYFOR SOME MORE BARBARA STRIESAND.

I COULDN'T GET IT OUT.

[LAUGHING]

CHRIS: NEXT ONE. DJ KENNYCASANOVA.

WHOA, YOU ABOUT TO GET KICKED[BLEEP], G!

YES, JAY.

>> YO, WHAT'S UP THEY CALL ME AWHITE MICHAEL RAPPERPORT.

CHRIS: POINTS.

YOU FEEL ME, DOG.

CHRIS: RANDY.

>> I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVE A BLACKFRIEND.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> YAAA, GOY.

CHRIS: YEAH! POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,RAIDEN OR JADEN.

RAIDED IS THE WISE THUNDER GODAND PROTECTOR OF THE EARTH FROM

IMMORTAL COMBAT.

JADEN SMITH IS THE NALLGEDEDSCIENTOLOGIST AND UNSMILING SON

OF WILL AND JADA PINKETT SMITH.

NATURALLY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOWHARD IT IS TO TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO.

SO COMEDIANS, I 'M GONNA READYOU A QUOTE AND FOR 250, YOU

TELL ME IF IT'S A RAIDEN QUOTEFROM MORTAL COMBAT OR ONE OF

JADEN'S POSTS ON TWITTER.

FIRST: I HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE METO DIE FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT I DO

FOR YOU. BRANDON.

>> WHO IS JADEN?

CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT -- YES,JADEN SMITH.

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE'S TALKINGTO.

>> IS THAT -- IS THAT A THREATOR A PROMISE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

HE'S DOING WITH THAT.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, I HAVEFORESEEN EVENTS, LIKE MEMORIES

OF MY FUTURE.

YES, RANDY

>> THAT IS RAIDEN.

CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THANK YOU, RAIDEN.

>> GRATITUDE IS UNNECESSARY.

I HAVE FORESEEN EVENTS -- LIKEMEMORIES OF MY FUTURE.

THEY LEAD ME TO BE BELEIVE THATYOU'RE ALL CONNECTED TO EARTH

REALM'S FATE.

>> LOOK AT HIM, HE CAN'T KEEPTHE WHITES OF HIS EYES OFF HER

TITS.

CHRIS: NICE.

>> IT ALL IS VIDEO GAMEDIALOGUE.

I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU.

>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS, CHRIS. IDON'T KNOW --

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT PEOPLEUNDERSTAND ME GLOBALLY.

CHRIS: YOU COULD LITERALLY PUTANYTHING COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH

RIGHT NOW.

>> DOES THIS HAT MAKE HER TITSLOOK SMALL.

I DON'T --[ APPLAUSE ]

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE THEY CALL MOETHE HOLY ONE. THEY CALL ME THE

HOLY ONE. HEY, JAY.

>> THAT'S JADEN.

CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT! -- YEAH,JADEN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT'S DEFINETELY A KID THATHAS NEVER BEEN SAID NO TOO.

CHRIS: MOM, I WANNA BE THEMESSIAH!

>> I TELL YOU WHAT TAKE YOURMESSIAH ASS AND WALK ON TOP OF

SOME BATH WATER.

>> CHRIS: YOU TRYING TO GET HIMTO TAKE A BATH.

>> YES.

>> I DON'T KNOW YOU WHY MADE THEPUNTER BLACK.

>> I LEARNED IT FROM YOU,BRANDON.

I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU.

>> EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY GOT AWHITE NANNY.

[LAUGHING]

IT'S TIME FOR "YOU AIN'T FROMDETROIT."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BRANDON YOU LIVED IN DETROIT FORA WHILE.

>> I DID. I LIVED IN DETROITFOR A YEAR AND A HALF, AND IT --

IT TOOK A LOT TO GET BACK TOSIDEWALKS AND PEOPLE.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: THE HASHTAG#YOUAINTFROMDETROIT IS A POPULAR

HASHTAG ON THE TWEETS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IF THAT HASHTAGIS SUPPOSE TO BE FOR

PARTICIPATION OR IF IT WAS JUSTA DAILY AFFIRMATION REMAINING

YOU WHEREVER YOU LIVE THINGSCOULD BE WORST.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE USFACTS THAT WOULD LET US KNOW

THAT YOU ARE FROM DETROIT.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.YES, BRANDON.

>> I FOUND A HUMAN TORSO ANDRATS IN MY LIVING ROOM.

>> CHRIS: YES, GOOD. POINTS.

YEAH, RANDY.

>> IF YOUR HOUSE IS STILLSTANDING YOU'RE THE MAYOR.

CHRIS: OKAY, GOOD. POINT. JAY.

>> I WATCH THE LIONS EVERYWEEKEND.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THEFOOTBALL TEAM, I'M TAKING ABOUT

THE ABANDONED ZOO I LIVE IN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YEAH, RANDY.

>>TO KICK OFF CHRISTMAS EVERYYEAR WE GO DOWNTOWN AND LIGHT

THE GIANT PILES OF TIRES.

CHRIS: YEAH. POINTS. BRANDON.

>> I KNEW EMINEM WHEN HE DROVE AHONDA.

CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. RANDY.

>> HEY GUYS, LOOK AT ME! I'MPEEING ON CANADA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> I LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS. VERY LITERAL.

>> WHEN VISITORS ASK ME WHERE TOSTAY, I SAY THE AIRPORT HILTON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> THE WALKING DEAD SEEMS LIKE ABRIGHT FUTURE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> I SERVED TWO TERMS IN CITYCOUNCIL AND TWO TERMS IN JAIL.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. JAY.

>> I ACTUALLY WOULD WELCOME THEPRESENCE OF A ROBO COP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GOOD.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF,YOU AIN'T FROM DETROIT.

I SEE THAT WE MUST SEPARATETHE EMOTIONALLY CONJOINED TWINS

OF RANDY AND JASON. JAY, YOU AREIN THIRD PLACE, I'M SO SORRY.

>> THAT'S FINE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY WORDS TO SAY,JUST A PHYSICAL AFFIRMATION.

THANK YOU.

>> CHRIS: HEY, THE CRAZY BABY WESAW EARLIER.

THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO SOUNDTHE ALARM.

IT'S FOR THE WIN.

ALRIGHT.

TONIGHT'S FOR THE WIN IS BROUGHTTO YOU BY OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.

SOMEONE HAS TO PAY FOR THIS[BEEP].

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS SHOULDN'T BE WOBBLY LIKETHAT.

COME ON.

SCHOOL FIRE DRIPS ARE MEANT AS APRACTICE FOR A REAL EMERGENCY.

WELL, RECETNYL IN OHIO THINGSGOT REAL, REAL FAST.

FOX19.COM IS REPORTING THAT ASCHOOL IN CINCINNATI CAUGHT FIRE

DURING A FIRE DRILL.

THE SCHOOL WAS CALLED GOD'SBIBLE SCHOOL WHICH MEANS THEY

MAY BE WORSHIPING THE WRONGONE.

COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH MORE IRONIC NEWS STORY THAN

SCHOOL BUILDING CATCHES FIREDURING FIRE DRILL.

WE WILL HAVE OUR COMEDIAN'SANSWERS AND NAME A WINNER WHEN

WE COME BACK ON "@MIDNIGHT."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]