Monday, February 10, 2014

  • 02/10/2014

Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer and Hannibal Buress mourn the death of the game Flappy Bird, come up with Olympic event-themed movies and learn some important skills from YouTube.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JOHNNY QUINN, A MEMBER OF THE

AMERICAN BOBSLED TEAM, GOT

TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM IN SOCHI

AND HAD TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN

TO GET OUT AND TWEETED PHOTOS OF

HIS OR ORDEAL.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS LIKE A TURBO GLORY HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

QUINN TWEETED THIS PICTURE ALONG

WITH THE HASHTAG,

#SOCHIJAILBREAK.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE US

ANOTHER HASHTAG FOR THIS PHOTO.

HANNIBAL.

>> #IAMTHEREALKOOL-AIDMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: #OHYEAH.

ALL RIGHT, ESPY NATION TWEETED

OUT THIS MEME OF ASHLEY WAGNER

GETTING IN ON THE ACTION.

THERE SHE IS!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT WAS THE FIRST HALF.

LET'S SEE HOW SHE REACTED WHEN

SHE WAS INSIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

MEME FOR LIFE, ASHLEY.

MEME FOR LIFE.

ALL RIGHT, ONE OF THE BIGGEST

NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKEND WAS

NGUYEN HA DONG, IS A HANOI-BASED

GAME DEVELOPER WHO DEVELOPED

THIS GAME CALLED "FLAPPY BIRD,"

WHICH IS HUGELY POPULAR.

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN JUST

DECIDED TO PULL THE GAME THAT

WAS MAKING HIM $50,000 A DAY,

PULLED IT OFF THE MARKET,

STATING THAT HE COULD NOT STAND

THE ATTENTION THE POPULAR GAME

WAS RECEIVING-- IN PARENTHESES,

FROM NINTENDO.

BECAUSE THAT IS DEFINITELY SUPER

MARIO WORLD.

(LAUGHTER)

SO A MAN IS TRYING TO CAPITALIZE

ON FLAPPY BIRD'S SUCCESS,

AUCTIONING OFF WHAT E-BAY ITEM

FOR $350,000?

IS IT A. AN OLD PHONE WITH THE

GAME DOWNLOADED.

B. THE ORIGINAL ARTWORK AND

CONCEPT DESIGNS BY HA DONG.

OR C. THE RIGHTS TO A KNOCK-OFF

GAME CALLED "HAPPY TURD"?

(LAUGHTER)

AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT

AWAY, BUT IT'S NOT THE THIRD

ONE.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK IT IS?

HANNIBAL.

>> YOU KNOW, I HEARD YOU, BUT I

STILL GO WITH MY GUT, I'M GOING

TO GO WITH THE THIRD ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY.

FULLY AWARE OF THAT.

THAT'S YOUR CHOICE.

>> THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

I DON'T EVEN THINK I WAS

SUPPOSED TO PRESS THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LISTEN, I DON'T WANT

TO TRY TO DIRECT PEOPLE.

IF YOU HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION

TO THAT, I WON'T--

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A.

THERE IT IS, $350,000 FOR A

PHONE THAT HAS FLAPPY BIRD.

BUT YOU GET THE PHONE, TOO.

>> BUY IT NOW FOR $5 MILLION.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE WAITING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: "I'M REALLY IMPATIENT.

IT MIGHT GO FOR $5 MILLION."

IT SHOULD JUST SAY

IN PARENTHESES,

"YOU (BLEEP) IDIOT."

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO THE SOCHI WINTER OLYMPICS ARE

HAPPENING AS WE SPEAK.

THEY ARE RUNNING LIKE A

WELL-OILED MACHINE THAT'S

ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

BUT WE CANNOT STOP WATCHING.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #OLYMPICMOVIES.

#OLYMPICMOVIES.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE: WHAT ABOUT

BOBSLED?

OR "ENEMY OF THE FIGURE SKATE."

OR "SNOWBOARD AND THE SEVEN

DWARVES."

SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

ILANA.

>> SCHINDLER'S LISTLESS

TRAINING FOR RUNNING ON SNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

YEAH, ABBI.

>> SOCHI'S CHOICE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YEAH!

>> Chris: IT'S A TOUGH CHOICE,

TOO.

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> WHITE MEN CAN'T SKI JUMP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT, THAT RULES OUT ALL OF

SCANDINAVIA, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS ANYWAY.

YES, ABBI.

>> LOOK WHO'S CURLING TOO.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS!

YOU MADE IT THE SEQUEL.

YES, ILANA.

>> FROM RUSSIA WITH HATE AND

HOMOPHOBIA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> INSIDE LUGING DAVIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, HANNIBAL.

YES, ABBI.

>> SPEED SKATING 2:

CRUISE CONTROL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

HOW-TUBE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED

BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW

TO DO SOMETHING, YOU SHOULD DO

ANYTHING BUT GO TO YOUTUBE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A FEW

SECONDS FROM A TUTORIAL VIDEO,

AND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

THE FUNNY SUBJECT OF THE VIDEO

SHOULD BE.

IF YOUR ANSWER MAKES US LAUGH,

THEN YOU GET 250 POINTS.

IF NOT, THEN NO POINTS.

SO HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

("CRAZY IN LOVE" PLAYING)

YES, HANNIBAL?

>> HOW TO RUIN HALLOWEEN FOR

EVERYBODY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT IT ACTUALLY

WAS.

>> FIRST THING, YOU HAVE TO

COVER UP YOUR FACIAL HAIR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU CAN JUST COVER UP

YOUR GOATEE WITH MAKEUP, RIGHT?

THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

>> SPRAY-ON STUFF.

>> Chris: YEAH, JUST THE

SPRAY-ON STUFF.

SEE, NOW YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT A GOATEE, NOW YOU KNOW.

>> I CAN USE IT TO JUST SHAVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S SMART.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

>> (in British accent): HI,

I'M ANDREW.

>> AND THIS IS SHANE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT

BRAIN TRUST IS ALL ABOUT,

HANNIBAL?

>> HOW TO MURDER YOUR FRIEND IN

THE WOODS UNDER THE GUISE OF

MAKING A YOUTUBE VIDEO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS FOR

SURE.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THIS

ACTUALLY IS.

>> TREMENDOUS BLOW TO THE

GENITAL AREA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AT THAT POINT, THE GRIZZLY

WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO TURN

AROUND AND WALK AWAY WITH HIS

NADS IN PAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OR YOU COULD REPEL

THE BEAR WITH BAD BRITISH

ACCENTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

>> TO GET HOW YOU WANT IT,

EVERYTHING GOT TO BE PRACTICED.

>> Chris: YES, ABBI?

>> OKAY, I THINK THIS IS HOW TO

GET ME, ABBI LEE JACOBSON, TO

IMMEDIATELY WANT TO GIVE YOU MY

PHONE NUMBER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: REALLY?

>> IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD, FINE, I'LL

GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THIS

ACTUALLY IS.

>> GET EVERYTHING RIGHT, YOU

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

>> SEE?

>> Chris: HOW ARE YOU FEELING

NOW?

>> WHERE IS THIS PERSON?

(LAUGHTER)

>> I CAN DO THAT RIGHT HERE.

>> Chris: YOU SAID THIS HAS

HAPPENED BEFORE A LOT?

HE'S RIGHT THERE!

HE'S RIGHT THERE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> SO HANNIBAL, YOU HAVE MY

NUMBER ALREADY.

>> I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

>> Chris: SO YOU HAVE WATCHED

THIS VIDEO, THEN.

>> I WATCHED THIS VIDEO, YEAH,

MAN.

>> Chris: WELL, POINTS TO

HANNIBAL BURESS.

I GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

>> I'M WEARING A HEAVY SWEATER.

>> CAN WE DO IT?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

WELCOME BACK TO MY VIDEO

TUTORIAL.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

>> Chris: YES, ABBI?

>> HOW TO PUT ON GLASSES?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

BY THE WAY, THIS LITERALLY COULD

BE HOW TO PUT ON GLASSES.

WHAT IS IT?

>> PUT IT ON, TRY IT ON AND GET

STUCK AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT CAN

I DO?" AND IT HURTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS, I THOUGHT THAT WAS HOW

TO REINVENT YOURSELF AS A

RUSSIAN SCIENTIST WHEN YOU'RE

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

PET OR FURRY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE DESCRIPTIONS OF PEOPLE ON

THE FURRY DATING SITE

furrymate.com ARE

EERILY SIMILAR TO THE

DESCRIPTIONS OF PETS UP FOR

ADOPTION ON petfinder.com

SO I'M GOING TO READ YOU THE

NAME AND DESCRIPTION OF AN

ANIMAL, AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

IF IT'S A PET OR A FURRY.

CORRECT ANSWERS ARE WORTH 250

POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

SMASH-- "A WOLF BUILD WITH A RED

FOX'S COLORS AND MARKINGS."

YES, ABBI?

>> OKAY, PET, BECAUSE I BET IT'S

NAMED AFTER SOMEONE WHO LOVED

THAT SHOW, AND IT'S LIKE, I'M

REALLY INTO THIS NEW-- IT'S THE

SHIBA INU.

AND I THINK THAT THAT HAS A KIND

OF THAT BUILD.

>> Chris: I LIKED HEARING YOUR

PROCESS.

BUT THE CORRECT ANSWER IS FURRY.

>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE

OPPOSITE.

>> BASICALLY.

HE'S "BASICALLY" A WOLF BUILD,

BUT THERE'S LIKE, IF THERE'S A

MORE COMPLEX DESCRIPTION.

BUT BASICALLY, IT'S A FOX.

>> Chris: JUST SO YOU KNOW.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

>> Chris: THE ONLY FOX PARTS ARE

IN THE COLORING.

>> HE'S GOT, LIKE, A GENITAL

IMPRINT, RIGHT?

>> Chris: I WOULD SAY HE IS A

WOLF BUILD WITH FOX MARKINGS

AND A LITTLE BIT OF CAMEL.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE, BLITZ-- "HE IS VERY

LONELY AND HAS NO ONE TO GIVE

HIS LOVE TO."

ILANA.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH

ADOPTABLE PET?

>> Chris: NO, IT'S A FURRY.

IT'S A FURRY.

>> OH, MAN!

>> Chris: I CALL THIS ONE

HAIRY STYLES.

H-A-I-R-Y.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LOVE HIS SMUSHED TAIL.

YEAH!

SMUSHING OUT THE SIDE.

>> Chris: SMUSHING OUT THE SIDE.

IT'S GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE.

>> HE, LIKE, SAFETY PINNED IT TO

THE BACK OF HIS JEANS AND THEN

PUT IT TO THE SIDE TO TAKE THE

PICTURE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, ONE

LAST ONE.

TEDDY-- "OKAY, OKAY,

SO I'M A LITTLE CHUNKY.

THAT'S JUST MORE OF ME TO LOVE.

I GET A LITTLE SASSY.

BUT HEY, I HAVE A LITTLE

SPUNK!!!"

MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS.

"GEEZ, WHAT'S A GUY TO DO?"

>> I THINK A PET.

>> Chris: YES, IT'S A PET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> COME ON, GUYS, WE DID IT!

>> Chris: COVER THAT UP!

THERE ARE KIDS HERE!

SERIOUSLY!

>> I WAS LIKE, WHAT?

>> Chris: I AM SO SORRY ABOUT

THIS, YOU GUYS.

>> I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT THE PEOPLE THAT ARE WRITING

THE FURRY DESCRIPTIONS ARE WAY

LESS CREEPY THAN THE PEOPLE

WRITING THESE.

(LAUGHTER)

ROOMMATES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, I'M EXCITED, TOO.

THANKS TO CRAIGSLIST,

ACCIDENTALLY FINDING A WEIRD

ROOMMATE IS NOW EASIER THAN

EVER.

ROOMMATE SCREENING QUESTIONS

LIKE "ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO CATS?"

HAVE BECOME "ARE YOU HIDING A

PREGNANCY?"

(LAUGHTER)

OR MAYBE BOTH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

REMEMBER THIS?

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GONE FOREVER.

SURPRISE!

WE PAINTED IT BACK INTO YOUR

NIGHTMARES.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO RING IN

WITH SOME ROOMMATE SCREENING

QUESTIONS THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO

BE ASKED.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK STARTING NOW.

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> ARE YOU CHILL?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ABBI.

>> HOW FAST DOES IT TAKE TO YOU

(BLEEP)?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ILANA.

>> CAN I SNIFF YOUR (BLEEP)?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU MEAN LITERALLY, OR

JUST STUFF?

>> YOU KNOW, AT FIRST I MEANT

STUFF, AND THEN IT WAS TAKEN AS

(BLEEP), AND I'M GOING TO GO

WITH (BLEEP).

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

ABBI.

>> WHERE DO YOU STORE YOUR

SCABS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IN MY TUMMY.

POINTS.

HANNIBAL?

>> ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH

ALANIS MORISSETTE'S DEFINITION

OF IRONY?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ABBI.

>> HAVE YOU EVER BEFORE GOTTEN

AN AMATEUR PAP SMEAR?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, YES, POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> DO YOU BELIEVE 9/11 WAS AN

INSIDE JOB?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

ABBI?

>> HYPOTHETICALLY, HOW FAST CAN

YOU GET OUT OF A BURNING

BUILDING?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> HOW MANY EPISODES OF "COUGAR

TOWN" HAVE YOU WATCHED?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: MY QUESTION IS WHAT

ANSWER ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

>> SIX TO TEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

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