Corbett, Bailey, Grandy, Bodden

  • Season 6, Ep 604
  • 11/09/2002

Jonathan Corbett discusses bad self-defense moves, Ben Bailey reveals how he got into stand-up, and Alonzo Bodden explains why he's not a fan of the outdoors.

JOB INTERVIEWS, YOU BECOME A

STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED FOR ME,

ANYWAY.

I COULD NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH

A JOB INTERVIEW, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SUCH A HIGH-PRESSURE

SITUATION.

GET ALL DRESSED UP.

YOU GO IN THERE A COUPLE MINUTES

EARLY.

YOU'RE TRYING REAL HARD NOT

TO MAKE ANY STUPID MISTAKES.

FIRST OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

A STUPID MISTAKE, YOU MAKE

A STUPID MISTAKE.

THEY GIVE YOU THAT APPLICATION,

RIGHT?

YOU ACCIDENTALLY PUT YOUR NAME

IN THE WRONG BOX.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU ALREADY DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M ALWAYS STAYING OR DOING

SOMETHING STUPID.

YOU EVER SAY THE WRONG THING?

LIKE MAYBE YOU PASS SOMEONE

YOU KNOW ON THE STREET,

UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND AS YOU GO BY, YOU TRY TO

PLAY IT COOL.

BUT YOU SCREW IT UP?

AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY ANSWER

THE QUESTION YOU THOUGHT THEY

WERE GONNA ASK YOU?

INSTEAD OF THE ONE THEY REALLY

ASK, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WALKING BY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING

ON?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "PRETTY GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S YOUR MOUTH SCREWING UP

ORDERS FROM YOUR BRAIN, RIGHT?

HAPPENS A LOT.

YOUR MOUTH JUMPS AHEAD OF YOUR

BRAIN, RIGHT?

YOU EVER ASK SOMEONE TO REPEAT A

QUESTION, EVEN THOUGH YOU REALLY

HEARD THAT QUESTION THE FIRST

TIME?

YOUR FRIEND WILL BE LIKE,

"YOU HUNGRY?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE BAFFLED.

WHAT?

NOW YOU KNOW THE QUESTION.

BUT HE'S ALREADY STARTED, RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE, "I SAID, ARE YOU--"

"NO, NO, I'M NOT HUNGRY.

BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME

ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES.

I DO APPRECIATE THAT EXTRA HALF

AN EFFORT."

SEE, YOUR MOUTH IS NOT THE ONLY

PART OF YOUR BODY THAT WILL

IGNORE AN ORDER FROM YOUR BRAIN.

NOT THAT ONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR NECK,

YOUR NECK WILL SCREW UP AN ORDER

FROM YOUR BRAIN.

NOW YOU WOULD THINK THAT YOUR

NECK IS SO CLOSE TO YOUR BRAIN

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IT WOULD GET EVERYTHING

RIGHT.

BUT YOUR NECK MAKES MISTAKES

IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

YOUR NECK IS FORGETFUL.

YOU'RE IN A BIG CROWD OF PEOPLE,

RIGHT, ON THE STREET OR AT A

CONCERT OR SOMETHING.

YOU HEAR SOMEONE BEHIND YOU,

CALL OUT A NAME.

STEVE!

(LAUGHTER)

NOW YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY THAT YOU

ARE NOT STEVE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOUR NECK HAS FORGOTTEN YOUR

NAME, RIGHT?

THEY YELL, "STEVE."

YOU'RE LIKE.

AND YOUR BRAIN STARTS TO GET

ANGRY.

NECK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING?

OUR NAME IS BEN.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN BEN.

(LAUGHTER)

HAPPENS AGAIN, YOUR BRAIN AND

YOUR NECK BATTLE IT OUT, RIGHT?

STEVE!

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOUR MOUTH TEAMS UP WITH

YOUR NECK.

AND THEY OVERRIDE YOUR BRAIN'S

AUTHORITY.

"STEVE."

"WHAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

THEN YOUR BRAIN GETS REALLY

ANGRY.

"MOUTH, YOU ROTTEN WHORE.

WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO NECK?"

"SCREW YOU, BRAIN.

WE'RE THROUGH LISTENING TO YOU.

NECK AND I ARE RUNNING THINGS

NOW.

AND EVERYONE'S WITH US.

EXCEPT HEART AND PENIS.

THEY WON'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY."

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUY'S.

I'M BEN BAILEY.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY,

'CAUSE I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

REALLY.

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THEM DAYS

WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE BAD?

YOU JUST WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

LOOK IN THE MIRROR LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT?

NO, 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE BOTHERING

ME WITH NONSENSE, MAN.

THIS GUY ASKED ME TO GO CAMPING

ON VACATION.

CAMPING.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST VACATION

I EVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE.

WHAT?

I'M GONNA WORK ALL YEAR SO I CAN

GO OUT AND PRETEND I'M HOMELESS?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NO ELECTRICITY, NO RUNNING

WATER, BEARS CHASING MY ASS.

OOOH, SIGN ME UP.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT THE BEARS.

YOU JUST TIE YOUR FOOD IN A

TREE."

I'M LIKE, "OH, GREAT,

NOW THE BEAR HAS NO CHOICE

BUT TO EAT ME ON THE GROUND."

I DON'T LIKE THE NATURE LOVERS.

I WAS UP IN SEATTLE.

OH, THEY'RE ALL UP THERE.

THEY LOVE NATURE.

THEY PROTECT EVERYTHING.

THEY TRAVEL BY FERRY IN SEATTLE.

2002, THEY'RE TRAVELLING BY

FERRY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T COMFORTABLE

GOING TO WORK BY BOAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

MAN.

I MEAN, I'M SINGLE.

I'M HAVING WOMEN PROBLEMS.

AND THAT'S HARD 'CAUSE I LIVE

IN L.A., MAN.

AND THERE'S TOO MANY PRETTY

PEOPLE IN L.A. TO BE SINGLE.

L.A.'S THE ONLY PLACE IN THE

WORLD YOU CAN SEE THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU'VE EVER

SEEN, AND TEN MINUTES LATER SEE

A MAN EVEN PRETTIER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

YOU KNOW?

I MEET A LOT OF WOMEN, MAN.

BUT I GOT A LOT OF WOMEN

FRIENDS.

AND THAT'S USELESS.

(LAUGHTER)

REALLY.

JUST USELESS MAN.

HAVING A WOMAN AS JUST A FRIEND

IS LIKE HAVING $19 IN THE BANK,

AND LOOKING AT YOUR ATM CARD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

REALLY.

SERVES NO PURPOSE AT ALL, MAN.

AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF WOMEN

FRIENDS, MAN.

I'VE GONE OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.

BUT YOU'VE SEEN IT.

GO INTO A CLUB SEE A GUY SITTING

THERE WITH FIVE, SIX WOMEN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE

THE MAN."

"NO, I'M MISERABLE."

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE IF YOU HANGING OUT WITH

FIVE WOMEN, YOU AIN'T GETTING

LAID, MAN.

'CAUSE THEY DON'T ALLOW OTHER

WOMEN AROUND.

THE MINUTE I'M TALKING TO A

GIRL, THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, GET HER

OUTTA HERE.

SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU."

"SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

REALLY.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A RULE.

IF YOU HANGING OUT WITH A GROUP

OF WOMEN, AND THEY DON'T HELP

YOU GET LAID, THEN ONE OF THEMS

GOTTA TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE WOMEN, MAN.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

AND WOMEN COMPLAIN.

WOMEN COMPLAIN ABOUT MAN AND I

JUST DON'T GET IT, BECAUSE THE

COMPLAINTS MAKE NO SENSE.

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST ONE?

MEN DON'T COMMUNICATE.

NO, LADIES, IT'S NOT THAT

WE DON'T COMMUNICATE.

IT'S THAT YOU COMMUNICATE ON A

LEVEL SO ADVANCED, THAT WE

GENERALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THAT'S WHAT GETS US IN

TROUBLE BECAUSE YOU ASK US WOMEN

QUESTIONS.

QUESTION'S MEN CANNOT ANSWER.

QUESTIONS LIKE, "DO YOU

REMEMBER?"

WOMEN LOVE THAT QUESTION,

DON'T THEY?

"DO YOU REMEMBER?"

"DON'T YOU REMEMBER?"

"NO.

NO, I'M A MAN.

I DON'T--"

LOOK, WE INVENTED INSTANT

REPLAY, 'CAUSE WE FORGOT STUFF

WE JUST SAW.

I'M ALONZO.