Premium Blend
Season 6

Corbett, Bailey, Grandy, Bodden

  • Season 6, Ep 604
  • 11/09/2002

ME, TOO.

I AM FEELING GREAT.

I'M FEELING GOOD.

THAT'S BECAUSE I SLEPT TILL NOON

TODAY.

THAT'S ALL IT TAKES.

THAT DOES IT FOR ME.

I'M A GOOD SLEEPER.

I SLEEP WELL.

THAT'S WHY IT CRACKS ME UP

WHENEVER I HEAR PEOPLE USE THAT

PHRASE, "YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE."

KISS MY ASS.

COME ON, IF I'M SNOOZING,

I'M WINNING.

THAT'S THE WAY I SEE IT.

I LOSE EVERY TIME I HAVE TO GET

OUT OF BED BEFORE 10 A.M.

THAT'S WHEN I LOSE.

I NEVER GOT THAT ONE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEVER GOT IT.

I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE

TONIGHT.

I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.

I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY TO BE

ANYWHERE TONIGHT.

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO I WAS MUGGED

GOING INTO MY APARTMENT RIGHT

HERE IN TOWN.

AND FOR SEVERAL SECONDS,

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT

DIE.

BUT WHAT WAS EVEN MORE

FRIGHTENING THAN GETTING A KNIFE

TO MY STOMACH AND A FOREARM

TO MY THROAT WAS THE REALIZATION

THAT I'D WASTED ALL THAT MONEY

ON KARATE CLASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

AND LIKE ANY JACKASS TAKING

KARATE CLASS FOR SIX MONTHS,

LIKE I'D THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING

MUGGED A BUNCH OF TIMES AND

DIFFERENT SCENARIOS.

BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT EVERY

TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

IT WAS ALWAYS WITH A LOT LESS

WHIMPERING AND A WHOLE LOT MORE

STREET JUSTICE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, MY DAD IS RETIRED NOW.

AND HE MOVED TO FLORIDA.

AND IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE ABLE

TO FINALLY GO DOWN AND VISIT HIM

NOW THAT HE'S FINALLY ABLE TO DO

THOSE THINGS IN LIFE THAT HE'S

ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

WHICH APPARENTLY IS START

DRINKING AT NOON AND THEN HEAD

ON OUT TO BUY ME UGLY SHIRTS.

THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

FOR SOME ODD REASON, MY DAD'S

DECIDED TO SPEND HIS GOLDEN

YEARS AS MY STYLIST.

WHICH WOULD BE FINE, EXCEPT THAT

HE LIVES RIGHT NEAR THE BEACH.

SO, NOW EVERY TIME I GO DOWN

THERE TO VISIT HIM, HE'S TRYING

TO OUTFIT ME WITH SOMETHING FROM

THE JIMMY BUFFET COLLECTION.

IT'S LIKE, PALM TREES, MAYBE A

COUPLE OF RAINBOWS.

PICTURE A SANTANA CD, WITH A

WIDE COLLAR.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I'M

LOOKING AT.

I'M LIKE, "DAD, WHO TOLD YOU

I'M TWISTING BALLOON ANIMALS'

FOR A LIVING?"

I'M A COMIC.

KNOCK IT OFF!"

AT THIS POINT, THE GUY AT

THE SALVATION ARMY IS LIKE,

"LISTEN, WE APPRECIATE THE

GESTURE.

THESE PEOPLE ARE POOR.

NOT BLIND.

TELL YOUR FATHER TO KNOCK IT

OFF!

GET A HOBBY!"

FOLKS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GOOD

JOB INTERVIEWS, YOU BECOME A

STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED FOR ME,

ANYWAY.

I COULD NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH

A JOB INTERVIEW, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SUCH A HIGH-PRESSURE

SITUATION.

GET ALL DRESSED UP.

YOU GO IN THERE A COUPLE MINUTES

EARLY.

YOU'RE TRYING REAL HARD NOT

TO MAKE ANY STUPID MISTAKES.

FIRST OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

A STUPID MISTAKE, YOU MAKE

A STUPID MISTAKE.

THEY GIVE YOU THAT APPLICATION,

RIGHT?

YOU ACCIDENTALLY PUT YOUR NAME

IN THE WRONG BOX.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU ALREADY DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M ALWAYS STAYING OR DOING

SOMETHING STUPID.

YOU EVER SAY THE WRONG THING?

LIKE MAYBE YOU PASS SOMEONE

YOU KNOW ON THE STREET,

UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND AS YOU GO BY, YOU TRY TO

PLAY IT COOL.

BUT YOU SCREW IT UP?

AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY ANSWER

THE QUESTION YOU THOUGHT THEY

WERE GONNA ASK YOU?

INSTEAD OF THE ONE THEY REALLY

ASK, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WALKING BY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING

ON?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "PRETTY GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S YOUR MOUTH SCREWING UP

ORDERS FROM YOUR BRAIN, RIGHT?

HAPPENS A LOT.

YOUR MOUTH JUMPS AHEAD OF YOUR

BRAIN, RIGHT?

YOU EVER ASK SOMEONE TO REPEAT A

QUESTION, EVEN THOUGH YOU REALLY

HEARD THAT QUESTION THE FIRST

TIME?

YOUR FRIEND WILL BE LIKE,

"YOU HUNGRY?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE BAFFLED.

WHAT?

NOW YOU KNOW THE QUESTION.

BUT HE'S ALREADY STARTED, RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE, "I SAID, ARE YOU--"

"NO, NO, I'M NOT HUNGRY.

BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME

ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES.

I DO APPRECIATE THAT EXTRA HALF

AN EFFORT."

SEE, YOUR MOUTH IS NOT THE ONLY

PART OF YOUR BODY THAT WILL

IGNORE AN ORDER FROM YOUR BRAIN.

NOT THAT ONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR NECK,

YOUR NECK WILL SCREW UP AN ORDER

FROM YOUR BRAIN.

NOW YOU WOULD THINK THAT YOUR

NECK IS SO CLOSE TO YOUR BRAIN

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IT WOULD GET EVERYTHING

RIGHT.

BUT YOUR NECK MAKES MISTAKES

IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

YOUR NECK IS FORGETFUL.

YOU'RE IN A BIG CROWD OF PEOPLE,

RIGHT, ON THE STREET OR AT A

CONCERT OR SOMETHING.

YOU HEAR SOMEONE BEHIND YOU,

CALL OUT A NAME.

STEVE!

(LAUGHTER)

NOW YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY THAT YOU

ARE NOT STEVE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOUR NECK HAS FORGOTTEN YOUR

NAME, RIGHT?

THEY YELL, "STEVE."

YOU'RE LIKE.

AND YOUR BRAIN STARTS TO GET

ANGRY.

NECK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING?

OUR NAME IS BEN.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN BEN.

(LAUGHTER)

HAPPENS AGAIN, YOUR BRAIN AND

YOUR NECK BATTLE IT OUT, RIGHT?

STEVE!

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOUR MOUTH TEAMS UP WITH

YOUR NECK.

AND THEY OVERRIDE YOUR BRAIN'S

AUTHORITY.

"STEVE."

"WHAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

THEN YOUR BRAIN GETS REALLY

ANGRY.

"MOUTH, YOU ROTTEN WHORE.

WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO NECK?"

"SCREW YOU, BRAIN.

WE'RE THROUGH LISTENING TO YOU.

NECK AND I ARE RUNNING THINGS

NOW.

AND EVERYONE'S WITH US.

EXCEPT HEART AND PENIS.

THEY WON'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY."

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUY'S.

I'M BEN BAILEY.

THANK YOU.

DAN.

AND DAN JUST GOT ENGAGED.

BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME

GETTING REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT

BECAUSE AS SOON AS HE GETS

ENGAGED, HE STARTS RUBBING MY

FACE IN IT.

YOU KNOW?

SAYING REALLY OBNOXIOUS THINGS,

LIKE, "HEY, I GOT ENGAGED."

AND LIKE, "ARE YOU GONNA BE FREE

THE SECOND WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER,

2003, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN WE'RE

THINKING ABOUT HAVING THE

RECEPTION?

BUT IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT ON THAT

DAY, WE'LL CHANGE IT, 'CAUSE

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

TO HAVE YOU THERE."

JUST (BLEEP) STUFF LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW?

LETTING ME KNOW THAT I HAVE

FALLEN BEHIND ON THE LADDER

TO ADULTHOOD.

WHICH STARTS DOWN HERE WHEN YOU

MOVE AWAY FROM HOME.

NEXT RUNG, YOU GET A JOB.

YOU'RE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELF.

THIRD RUNG.

ALL YOUR IKEA FURNITURE FALLS

APART.

(LAUGHTER)

FOURTH RUNG, YOU GET MARRIED.

END OF STORY.

THAT'S IT.

SO, MY COMPETITIVE SIDE KICKS

IN.

AND I'M LIKE, MAN, IF DAN,

WHO IS A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME IS

WILLING TO TAKE THIS ENORMOUS

STEP INTO ADULTHOOD, SO, TOO,

AM I.

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR.

I CAN'T GET ENGAGED, BECAUSE

THAT REQUIRES CALLING PEOPLE

BACK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO...

THANKS FOR APPLAUDING THAT.

SO, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO

OVER THAT OTHER CLIFF INTO

ADULTHOOD.

I ADMIT TO MYSELF, I NEED TO

PURCHASE ELECTRIC NOSE HAIR

CLIPPERS.

SO, I USE IT, AND AMAZINGLY,

THIS THING WORKS EXACTLY LIKE IT

SAYS IT'S GOING TO.

IT PAINLESSLY AND EFFORTLESSLY

REMOVES ALL UNSIGHTLY NOSE HAIR.

WHAT IT DOES NOT TELL YOU IT'S

GOING TO DO IS CHOP DOWN EACH

NOSE HAIR TO A THREE MILLIMETER

NUB, THAT IS RAZOR SHARP.

ESSENTIALLY, IT TURNS YOUR NOSE

INTO AN IRON MAIDEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I DO NOT KEEP WEAPONS IN MY

HOME.

SO, I WANTED TO GET RID OF THIS

THING.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA JUST THROW IT

AWAY, SO, I DO THE NEXT LOGICAL

THING.

I GO INTO THE BATHROOM.

I RINSE OFF ALL OF THE HAIR

AND SNOT, AND BLOOD.

I FIND THE ORIGINAL PACKAGING,

PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX.

WRAP THIS THING UP.

AND AM EVEN ABLE TO FIND THE

RECEIPT.

AND I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO DAN

FOR HIS WEDDING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PAMELA ANDERSON HAS HEPATITIS C.

AND IS SURPRISED ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WHAT YOU EXPECT WHEN

YOUR DEFINITION OF SAFE SEX WAS

REMEMBERING TO ALWAYS WEAR A

BACKSTAGE PASS.

BUT APPARENTLY, SHE'S SURPRISED.

IF I WERE HER, I MIGHT BE

SURPRISED.

BUT I'D BE SURPRISED I ONLY HAD

HEPATITIS C.

SO, BUT SHE CLAIMS TO HAVE

CONTRACTED HEPATITIS C BY

SHARING A TATTOO NEEDLE WITH

TOMMY LEE.

OH, SO YOU SEE, IT'S HIS FAULT.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS LIKE

SOMEONE YOU'D REALLY WANT TO

SHARE BLOOD WITH.

PAM, I WOULD NOT SHARE CHEMISTRY

NOTES WITH TOMMY LEE.

SO, DON'T FEEL REALLY BAD FOR

PAMELA ANDERSON.

I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR

TOMMY LEE.

I FEEL TERRIBLY FOR THEIR KIDS,

MAN, THOUGH.

THEY'VE GOT KIDS.

AND ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT

EVERYONE ON THE JUNGLE GYM,

LET ALONE THE EARTH,

KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THEIR MOM

LOOKS LIKE ROLLING A JOINT,

NAKED.

AND WHAT THEIR DAD LOOKS LIKE,

HONKING A BOAT HORN WITH HIS,

"HEY, NO HANDS".

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T LIKE KIDS KNOWING

MY PARENTS HAD A VAN.

AND WHEN WORD GOT OUT THAT WE

COVERED OUR KETCHUP BOTTLE WITH

A LITTLE PIECE OF TIN FOIL AND A

RUBBER BAND, BECAUSE WE'D LOST

THE CAP AND WERE TOO CHEAP TO

SHELL OUT A BUCK FIFTY FOR

ANOTHER THING OF KETCHUP,

I ASKED TO BE HOME SCHOOLED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S MY TIME.

(CHEERS AND APPL

YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY,

'CAUSE I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

REALLY.

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THEM DAYS

WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE BAD?

YOU JUST WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

LOOK IN THE MIRROR LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT?

NO, 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE BOTHERING

ME WITH NONSENSE, MAN.

THIS GUY ASKED ME TO GO CAMPING

ON VACATION.

CAMPING.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST VACATION

I EVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE.

WHAT?

I'M GONNA WORK ALL YEAR SO I CAN

GO OUT AND PRETEND I'M HOMELESS?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NO ELECTRICITY, NO RUNNING

WATER, BEARS CHASING MY ASS.

OOOH, SIGN ME UP.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT THE BEARS.

YOU JUST TIE YOUR FOOD IN A

TREE."

I'M LIKE, "OH, GREAT,

NOW THE BEAR HAS NO CHOICE

BUT TO EAT ME ON THE GROUND."

I DON'T LIKE THE NATURE LOVERS.

I WAS UP IN SEATTLE.

OH, THEY'RE ALL UP THERE.

THEY LOVE NATURE.

THEY PROTECT EVERYTHING.

THEY TRAVEL BY FERRY IN SEATTLE.

2002, THEY'RE TRAVELLING BY

FERRY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T COMFORTABLE

GOING TO WORK BY BOAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

MAN.

I MEAN, I'M SINGLE.

I'M HAVING WOMEN PROBLEMS.

AND THAT'S HARD 'CAUSE I LIVE

IN L.A., MAN.

AND THERE'S TOO MANY PRETTY

PEOPLE IN L.A. TO BE SINGLE.

L.A.'S THE ONLY PLACE IN THE

WORLD YOU CAN SEE THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU'VE EVER

SEEN, AND TEN MINUTES LATER SEE

A MAN EVEN PRETTIER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

YOU KNOW?

I MEET A LOT OF WOMEN, MAN.

BUT I GOT A LOT OF WOMEN

FRIENDS.

AND THAT'S USELESS.

(LAUGHTER)

REALLY.

JUST USELESS MAN.

HAVING A WOMAN AS JUST A FRIEND

IS LIKE HAVING $19 IN THE BANK,

AND LOOKING AT YOUR ATM CARD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

REALLY.

SERVES NO PURPOSE AT ALL, MAN.

AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF WOMEN

FRIENDS, MAN.

I'VE GONE OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.

BUT YOU'VE SEEN IT.

GO INTO A CLUB SEE A GUY SITTING

THERE WITH FIVE, SIX WOMEN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE

THE MAN."

"NO, I'M MISERABLE."

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE IF YOU HANGING OUT WITH

FIVE WOMEN, YOU AIN'T GETTING

LAID, MAN.

'CAUSE THEY DON'T ALLOW OTHER

WOMEN AROUND.

THE MINUTE I'M TALKING TO A

GIRL, THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, GET HER

OUTTA HERE.

SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU."

"SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

REALLY.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A RULE.

IF YOU HANGING OUT WITH A GROUP

OF WOMEN, AND THEY DON'T HELP

YOU GET LAID, THEN ONE OF THEMS

GOTTA TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE WOMEN, MAN.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

AND WOMEN COMPLAIN.

WOMEN COMPLAIN ABOUT MAN AND I

JUST DON'T GET IT, BECAUSE THE

COMPLAINTS MAKE NO SENSE.

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST ONE?

MEN DON'T COMMUNICATE.

NO, LADIES, IT'S NOT THAT

WE DON'T COMMUNICATE.

IT'S THAT YOU COMMUNICATE ON A

LEVEL SO ADVANCED, THAT WE

GENERALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THAT'S WHAT GETS US IN

TROUBLE BECAUSE YOU ASK US WOMEN

QUESTIONS.

QUESTION'S MEN CANNOT ANSWER.

QUESTIONS LIKE, "DO YOU

REMEMBER?"

WOMEN LOVE THAT QUESTION,

DON'T THEY?

"DO YOU REMEMBER?"

"DON'T YOU REMEMBER?"

"NO.

NO, I'M A MAN.

I DON'T--"

LOOK, WE INVENTED INSTANT

REPLAY, 'CAUSE WE FORGOT STUFF

WE JUST SAW.

I'M ALONZO.

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