Comedy Central Presents
Season 9

CC Presents: Al Madrigal

  • Season 9, Ep 21
  • 06/30/2005

Al Madrigal discusses his Mexican roots and how to deal with bad fast food employees.

MY NAME IS AL MADRIGAL.

MY FULL NAME IS

ALESSANDRO LABORIO MADRIGAL.

YOU KILLED MY FATHER.

PREPARE TO DIE.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WATCH PRINCESS BRIDE.

RENT IT.

DO SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

AND THE CITY IS SO COOL LIKE

SAN FRANCISCO, WHICH I HAVE

BEHIND ME, IS SUCH A WONDERFUL

PLACE.

IT'S VERY HIP.

BUT JUST LIKE WHEN YOU GO

TRAVELING FIVE MINUTES OUT

THERE'S SOME COUNTRY-ASS BANJO

PORN STUFF GOING ON.

YOU KNOW FOR A COOL CITY AND

THEN FIVE MINUTES AWAY.

MY FAVORITE STORY'S A MOM IN

PLEASANTON, CALIFORNIA THAT HAD

PARTY FOR HER 15-YEAR-OLD

DAUGHTER THEN THEY HAD A MALE

STRIPPER GO OVER A 15-YEAR-OLD

GIRL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

AND THEY'RE CHARGING FIVE BUCKS

AT THE DOOR, REASONABLE COVER

FOR A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL'S

BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH A MALE

STRIPPER, DON'T YOU THINK?

AND THEN THE KICKER OF ME IS

THAT THESE YOUNG GIRLS WERE

PAYING $20 TO GIVE THE MALE

STRIPPER ORAL SEX.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME,

ALL RIGHT?

THOSE YOUNG GIRLS PAYING $20

GIVE THE MALE STRIPPER ORAL SEX.

NOW LADIES, MOMS, LET ME JUST

SAY THAT I'LL BEAT ANYBODY'S

PRICES, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON DOWN TO BIG AL'S HAMMER

HUT.

I'M PRACTICALLY GIVING IT AWAY,

ALL RIGHT?

UNWED MOTHERS BRING YOUR KIDS.

WE GOT HOT DOGS, BALLOONS AND

FACE PAINTING, RIGHT.

YOU CAN USE YOUR CLUB CARD.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT CLUB CARD IT

IS EITHER.

COULD BE A LIBRARY CARD, MAYBE

SOME LINT IN YOUR POCKET,

ALL RIGHT?

WHIP IT OUT.

IT WORKS AT BIG AL'S HAMMER HUT.

IT DOES, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET IN HERE

YOU'LL KNOW THAT I LOVE

COMMERCE, THE INTERACTION

BETWEEN THE CUSTOMERS AND THE

EMPLOYEE.

NEW PRODUCTS CAN'T GET ENOUGH

OF IT.

DO YOU COMPLAIN SIR?

DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU'RE AT

A STORE?

DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU BEEN WRONGED?

YOU REALLY DO?

LIKE I DO.

I PICK MY MOMENTS THOUGH, RIGHT?

I WAS IN A PLACE THE OTHER DAY

AND IT'S A POPULAR FAST FOOD

CHAIN.

RIGHT THAT I WON'T MENTION THE

NAME.

BUT I'M IN THERE AT THE BUSY

LUNCH HOUR.

AND I COULD IMMEDIATELY TELL I

WASN'T DEALING WITH THEIR BEST

AND BRIGHTEST.

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE

INDIANA CREW WITH THE AA

DEGREES THAT THEY SEND OFF TO

THE CONVENTIONS.

NO.

THIS IS THE ANY BIG INNER CITY

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.

AND I COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY

'CAUSE THEY HAVE A LONG LINE

FRUSTRATED CUSTOMERS AT THE

LUNCH HOUR.

THEN THEY'VE GOT THE SHORT

CHUBBY BEARDED LADY, YOU KNOW,

WORKING THE COUNTER WITH THE

UNINTENTIONAL PEACH FUZZ BEARD

BUILT OVER A LONG PERIOD OF

TIME.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "SHAVE IT.

DO SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULDN'T A GUARDIAN STEP IN

WITH A BIC AT SOME POINT AND

SHAVE YOUR MONKEY-ASS DOWN,

RIGHT?

I MEAN BUT NO, SHE'S STARING

AT ME UNCONTROLLABLY, GIVEN ME

THE CREEPS.

WIPING DOWN THE TOWEL, YOU KNOW,

THEIR DIRTY TOWEL STARING AT ME

ALL NONSTOP RIGHT, MAKING ME

LOSE MY APPETITE AS I GRADUALLY

PASS THROUGH THE LINE TO THE

POINT WHERE I WANNA GET UP TO

THE FRONT, "YES.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU SIR?"

"NOTHING FOR ME PLEASE.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A PASS ON

THIS ONE.

I'D LIKE TO USE MY PASS HERE.

I'VE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK

AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT AND THIS

LONG-ASS LINE YOU HAVE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A PASS

BECAUSE I DID NOTICE.

I LOOKED IN THE BACK AND I SAW

THEY'VE GOT ALL THE HISPANICS

BACK THERE IN THE KITCHEN

WORKING WITH THEIR ENGLISH

DIFFICULTIES AND ATTITUDE

PROBLEMS.

AND NOBODY TENSE UP BECAUSE I'M

MEXICAN SO IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO

NOTICE AND MENTION THAT, RIGHT?

AND THEN I SEE THAT THERE'S

A BLOODSHOT, SEMI-RETIRED DRUNK

WITH THE HEADSET TRYING TO HOLD

THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER,

SO THERE'S BOUND TO BE PROBLEMS

NOW.

I GET MY CHICKEN CLUB SANDWICH

AND EVERYTHING SEEMS COOL

BUT THE GUY BEHIND ME WHO USES

NO PLURALS WHATSOEVER DECIDES

HE'S GOT A PROBLEM SO HE CALLS

OVER TO THE MANAGER AND HE

STARTS TO BE A DICK.

HE'S LIKE "I ORDERED CHICKEN

FINGER, 99 CENT FINGER.

SHOULD BE FIVE FINGER, BUT I

JUST GOT THESE TWO HUGE FINGER

STUCK TOGETHER LIKE TWO FINGER

HUMPING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

AND THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE

MY FINGER!

THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE

MY FINGER!

I DON'T WANT--

I WANT FIVE SEPARATE DELICIOUS

FINGER.

NOT THESE TEENAGE, MUTANT,

WANNA BE FINGER HUMPING."

RIGHT?

AND HE KEEPS GOING AND GOING

AND GOING.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE MANAGER DID

SOMETHING REALLY COOL.

INSTEAD OF OFFERING THE GUY A

99-CENT DISCOUNT BURGER COUPON

THEY HAVE BEHIND THE COUNTER FOR

SPECIAL DICKS, RIGHT, OR A SMACK

ACROSS THE FACE AND TELL HIM TO

GET THE HELL OUT.

HE JUST WENT LIKE THIS.

HE HAD A LITTLE BREAKDOWN.

HE WENT, "HA-HA-HA-HA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT DO YOU

REALLY EXPECT, MAN?

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T GET A

BIG TRAY OF LOOSE FRIES OR A

POCAHONTAS TOY FROM SEVEN YEARS

AGO AND I'M LUCKY THESE PEOPLE

SHOW UP EVERY MORNING.

NOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND MORE

THAN 99 CENTS ON YOUR LUNCH

IF YOU WANNA HAVE SOME INPUT IN

HOW IT'S PREPARED, DICKFACE."

THAT'S WHAT IT SAID TO ME.

AND WHAT IT SHOULD SAY TO

YOU PEOPLE IS YOU FIND YOURSELF

IN AN ENVIRONMENT LIKE THAT

WHERE YOU'RE SPENDING LESS THAN

$5 ON ANYTHING YOU GOTTA

REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE THERE

IN THE BACK AREN'T THINKING

ABOUT YOUR PURCHASES.

THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT

WHO THEY'RE GONNA KNIFE

IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER WORK

OR IF CHEATERS IS GONNA BE ON

WHEN THEY GET HOME.

SO YOU JUST NEED TO WALK AWAY.

WALK AWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MENTION THAT I'M MEXICAN.

I'M ACTUALLY HALF-MEXICAN.

GET USED TO IT.

'CAUSE IN ABOUT 5 TO 10 YEARS

YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE RELATED

TO ONE.

I GUARANTEE YOU THAT WHETHER

YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PREPARED

YOUR FAMILY YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP

AT THANKSGIVING ONE OF THESE

YEARS AND WALK IN AND SAY,

"HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SINCE WHEN DID WE START SERVING

FLAN?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

WELL, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS

SOMEBODY'S BONIN' A LATINO

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

COULD BE YOUR SISTER.

IT COULD BE YOUR COUSIN.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

NOW LOTTA QUESTIONS.

NOBODY PANIC.

I'M JUST A MODERN DAY

PAUL REVERE WARN YOU THAT THE

MEXICANS ARE A COMIN', RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THERE'S A LATIN BREEZE

SWEEPING THE COUNTRY,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAVE YOU

FELT IT?

HAVE YOU FELT THE BREEZE

THIS FAR?

CERTAINLY IN THE BIG CITY

YOU HAVE.

HOW 'BOUT YOU, MA'AM, HAVE YOU

HAD YOURSELF A LATIN LOVER YET?

HAVE YOU, NOT YET?

WELL, YOU CAN GO BACK IN THE

KITCHEN-- ANY KITCHEN FOR THAT

MATTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

US MEXICANS WILL HAVE SEX

WITH YOU, RIGHT?

YEAH.

LET IT BE KNOWN.

ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE REALLY WHAT'S HAPPENING

IS THERE'S A WARM FRONT OF

MEXICANS THAT ARE HUMPIN'

THEIR WAY NORTH, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

TO THE POINT WHERE YOU'RE GONNA

BE UP TO CANADA ONE OF THESE

YEARS WALKING AROUND YOU'RE

LIKE, "HEY, LOOK, ESKIMOS!

THEY CAME DOWN!"

THOSE AREN'T ESKIMOS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE MEXIMOS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MEXICANS IN PARKAS, TRYING TO

HAVE SEX WITH CANADIAN WOMEN.

ALL RIGHT, SO HOW DO YOU SPOT

YOURSELF A HALF-MEXICAN?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

THERE'S A LOT OF BROWN HYBRID

STUFF.

YOU LOOK OUT IN THIS CROWD AND

IT LOOKS LIKE, "COLOR ME BAD"

SAT DOWN, RIGHT?

EVERYBODY'S GETTING IT ON.

HUH?

AND SO HOW DO YOU SPOT YOURSELF

A HALF-MEXICAN?

IT'S VERY EASY.

OVERUSE OF THE WORD PEQUITO.

NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEAK

LESS THAN 20 WORDS OF SPANISH

PEQUITO MEANS JUST A LITTLE

BIT, A SMALL AMOUNT.

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO ME IS

I'M DARK COMPLECTED AND I WANNA

GO INTO THE HIP AUTHENTIC

TACORITAS, RIGHT?

AND I GO IN THERE AND THE SAME

THING HAPPENS EVERY, SINGLE

TIME.

I WANNA BE DOWN.

I GO IN, RIGHT, AND I PANIC.

AND REALLY AUTHENTIC PLACES,

TOO.

CHICKENS RUNNING AROUND ON THE

FLOOR.

GUY PASSED OUT IN THE CORNER.

AND I GO IN THERE AND THE GUY

SAYS SOMETHING COMPLICATED TO

ME AND I BLUSH, RIGHT, 'CAUSE

I'M GOOD WITH THE SALUTATIONS.

COMO ESTAS?

BIEN.

BIEN.

USTED?

AND THAT'S WHERE IT DROPS OFF

SEVERELY AT THAT POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE GUY SAID SOMETHING

COMPLICATED.

I PANICKED.

AND THEN HE SAYS,

" HABLE ESPAƑOL?"

AND I HAVE TO SAY, UN PEQUITO

AH-HAH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GO DOWN THE LINE TO THE NEXT

GUY.

"SALSA CALIENTE?"

" UN PEQUITO HA-HA."

" JUEVOS GRANDE?"

" UN PEQUITO.

UN PEQUITO."

AND THEN HE SAID, "BIG BALLS?"

AND I SAID, "NO.

MY BALLS ARE VERY TINY WITH A

SMALL SAC SIR."

AND THEN WHAT'S IT LIKE GROWING

SAN FRANCISCO?

IT'S NOT EASY.

'CAUSE I FIGURE WHAT HAPPENS

MY DAD 100 PERCENT MEXICAN MAN

GROWING UP IN THE EARLY '60s

WHEN IT'S NOT SO COOL TO BE

MEXICAN LIKE IT IS NOW, RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

NO.

OKAY.

ANYWAY, SO BACK IN 1975 IT'S

LIKE, "WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE MY

LITTLE HALF-MEXICAN AS WHITE AS

HE CAN BE?

I KNOW.

WE'LL SEND HIM TO FRENCH

SCHOOL."

SO I WENT TO FRENCH SCHOOL IN

SAN FRANCISCO AND NOT JUST ANY

FRENCH SCHOOL.

ONE WHERE YOU HAD TO WEAR A

1920s REPLICA FRENCH SAILOR

SUIT TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY.

SORT OF LIKE THE CRACKER JACK

GUY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

LAUGH IT UP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GUESS MY POINT IS YOU GREW UP

REAL QUICK A HALF-MEXICAN IN A

SAILOR SUIT.

BECAUSE I'D BE RIDING THE

STREETCAR TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

HUMMING OUT A FRAIRA JACQUES.

[LAUGHTER]

I REALIZED IN ANY OTHER TOWN

THIS MIGHT BE CONSIDERED CUTE.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS IN

SAN FRANCISCO?

SEXY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

I WAS HOT.

BIG HAIR, FULL LIPS, HOLDING

ONTO A POLE.

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

GO OVER A HILL OR A BUMP I'M

GIVING SOME GUY A LAP DANCE

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

PARANOID TO THE POINT WHERE A

FRENCH TOURIST WANTS TO COME UP

AND TALK TO ME ON THE CABLE CAR.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, LOOK.

A LITTLE DARK COMPLECTED FRENCH

BOY IN A SAILOR SUIT OUTFIT.

" ETU PARLAIS FRANCE?"

" UN PEQUITO UH-AH.

YOU GOT TO HELP ME."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

SO NOW THAT THE FRENCH SECRET

IS OUT I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA

GET INVITED TO ANY MORE

LOCO COMEDY JAMS, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

CINCO DE MAYO ROLLS AROUND,

RIGHT?

NOW YOU GET THIS PHONE CALL

"HEY, WE NEED YOU FOR A BIG

LOCO COMEDY JAM.

CAN YOU COME DOWN TO SAN JOSE,

RIGHT, WE'LL PAY YOU LOTS OF

MONEY."

SO INITIALLY I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,

I'LL DO IT.

I'LL GO TO YOUR LOCO COMEDY

JAM."

RIGHT?

AND YOU HEAR MY NAME ON THE

RADIO.

THEY'RE ANNOUNCING IT ON THE

SPANISH NETWORK AND ON THE

OLDIES STATION.

WE HAVE A BIG LATINO COMEDY JAM

AND AL MADRIGAL WILL BE THERE,

RIGHT.

AND I'M DRIVING AROUND GOING,

"WOW, SO THAT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S REALLY COOL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I GET THERE AND I SWEAR

IN SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA THERE'S

2,000 MEXICANS.

AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE A

HALF-MEXICAN WHEN YOU WALK IN

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN, THIS IS

A LOTTA MEXICANS."

THAT'S CRAZY.

THIS IS ONLY HALF OF ME.

HE'S THE ONLY WHITE GUY HERE.

THAT'S AMAZING.

[LAUGHTER]

DURING MY ACT I KNEW IT WAS MY

LAST ONE 'CAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF

MY ACT I'M DOING THE PEQUITO

JOKES, RIGHT, AND THIS GUY

STANDS UP IN THE MIDDLE RIGHT

WHERE YOU ARE BUDDY, RIGHT OVER

THERE IN THE MIDDLE AND HE GOES,

"HE DOESN'T SPEAK SPANISH!"

"AGH-GH-GH-GH!"

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN SLOW-MO STUFF, RIGHT?

LAST JAM FOR ME.

THAT WAS THE LAST JAM FOR ME.

I TRY TO GIVE TO THE COMMUNITY

THOUGH.

AND I DO.

I VOLUNTEER FOR THE

BIG BROTHERS AND BIG SISTERS AT

SAN FRANCISCO AND THE PENINSULA.

THANKS A LOT.

[APPLAUSE]

THE LITTLE KID IS REALLY CUTE.

HIS NAME IS HECTOR AND HE'S

10 YEARS OLD AND HE ACTUALLY

CALLS ME BIG BROTHER.

ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

HE ALSO CALLS ME EVERY THURSDAY

AND I LIKE TO MESS WITH HIM

A LITTLE BIT.

HE CALLS ME UP, [THICK ACCENT]

"BIG BROTHER, ARE WE GOING TO DO

SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND?"

"I'M NOT SURE, MAN.

YOU GOT ANY PLANS?"

"WELL, I'M PRETTY MUCH 10 YEARS

OLD.

I REALLY DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH

STUFF GOING ON.

LET ME CHECK MY PALM PILOT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T HAVE A PALM PILOT.

HE TRIES TO MANIPULATE ME.

AND HIS FAVORITE THING TO DO WAS

TWIST AROUND THINGS THAT I SAY

TO HEAR WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR.

WE WERE IN THE CAR THE OTHER DAY

AND I SAID, "MAN, HECTOR,

IF YOU'RE GONNA SMOKE YOU WANNA

ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW PLEASE?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M SORRY, BIG BROTHER.

DID YOU SAY 'LET'S GO TO CHUCKY

CHEESE?'"

ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I'LL GO.

I HEARD THERE'S A BIG RAT NAMED

CHUCK SPINNING PIZZAS AND I'M

ALL OVER IT.

THEY GOT LIKE SKI BALL AND A

RAT BAND DISPROPORTIONATE TO

THEIR ACTUAL ANIMAL SIZES.

LET'S DO IT."

HE ALSO LIKES TO USE "WHEN YOU

WERE A KID" TO GET ME ALL THE

TIME.

"BIG BROTHER.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, DID YOU

HAVE THIS THING CALLED

ICE CREAM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HEARD IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

THEY GOT LIKE THE BEN AND YERRY

MONKEY CHUNK OR SOMETHIN'

LIKE THAT.

AND I NEVER HAD OF A BEN AND

YERRY CHUNK OF THE MONKEY

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I LIKE IT,

BIG BROTHER."

I GOT A MILLION OF THESE.

"BIG BROTHER.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, DID YOU

HAVE THESE TOY CRAZES LIKE

POKEMAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOT IN

THE HOOD, BIG BROTHER?

KIKKOMAN THE SOY SAUCE PACKETS.

AND THE RICH KIDS THEY'RE LIKE

'HEY LOOK, I GOT PIKOCHEW.

IT'S JUST A LIGHTENING.'

'WELL, I GOT SOME SOY SAUCE,

BUDDY!'

AND I'D SQUIRT IT ALL OVER HIM

AND RUIN IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LAST ONE.

"AND, BIG BROTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, DID YOU

HAVE THIS PLACE IN THE MALL

CALLED HOT-DOG-ON-A-STICK?

KNOW WHAT WE GOT IN THE FLEA

MARKET, BIG BROTHER?

A PLACE CALLED 'JUST-A-STICK.'

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY'RE LIKE RUB IT ON A

HOT DOG IN THE BACK AND THEY

DON'T GOT THE HOT DOG ON A

STICK CHICK, CHEAP POP AND

LEMONADE, YOU KNOW.

LOOKING SO FINE WITH THEIR

WORKERS PERMIT AND THEIR

ATTITUDE.

AND I JUST WANT TO JUMP OVER

THE COUNTER AND HUMP HER.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DIGRESS, BIG BROTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE?

THEY HAVE A CRACK WHORE WITH A

BROWN HAT.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE LEMONADE

EITHER BUT THEY GOT A PIECE OF

A LEMON.

THEY'RE LIKE, 'HERE, SUCK THIS

AND SMELL THE STICK AND GET THE

HELL OUTTA HERE.'"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A WIFE.

MY WIFE IS HALF-KOREAN AND

HALF-GREEK.

SO TOGETHER WE'RE THIS COOL,

BLADE RUNNER COUPLE OF THE

FUTURE, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WE GOTTA BABY.

WE GOT ONE OF THESE BABIES.

AND I BET YOU'RE WONDERING

WHAT DOES THE BABY LOOK LIKE?

WHAT DOES A QUARTER KOREAN,

QUARTER MEXICAN, QUARTER GREEK,

QUARTER SICILIAN BABY LOOK LIKE,

BUDDY?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU.

HE'S WHITE.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GONNA

GET HIM INTO COLLEGE.

PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY COMING UP

TO ME, "DAD-- DUDE!

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?"

"NEVER MIND WHERE I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER]

SURE IF ANYBODY'S GOT ONE OF

THESE BABIES, MAN, BUT IT'S

CRAZY.

MY BABY, HE DOESN'T DO MUCH

WHICH NOBODY WARNED ME.

NOBODY WARNED ME WHAT TO EXPECT.

NOBODY WARNED ME WHAT TO WORRY

ABOUT.

I GOTTA T-SHIRT, RIGHT, THAT'S

ALL I GOT, A T-SHIRT THAT SAID,

"NUMBER ONE DAD" ON IT, RIGHT?

AND IT'S LIKE "WORLD'S GREATEST

DAD," YOU KNOW.

AND AFTER THE BIG AL'S HAMMER

HUT JOKE I THINK WE CAN ALREADY

TELL--

"NO.

I'M NOT THE WORLD'S GREATEST

DAD."

ALL RIGHT.

BUT I'M PRETTY GOOD.

I STOPPED SMOKING WEED.

THANKS A LOT.

[APPLAUSE]

APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU.

BUT I DID START TAKING THAT

VICODEN.

I STARTED TAKING A LOT OF

VICODEN.

WHEN YOUR WIFE GIVES BIRTH SHE

GETS A LOT OF VICODEN.

AND THEN YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT

FROM HER.

SHE'S LIKE, "BUT IT STILL HURTS,

HONEY.

IT STILL HURTS."

YOU'RE LIKE "MY PAIN'S JUST

BEGUN," RIGHT.

AND YOU START POPPIN' A COUPLE

OF THOSE BABIES AND YOU GET A

NICE BUZZ.

AND THEN NOBODY WARNED ME ABOUT

THE WIGGLES.

NOBODY WARNED ME AT ALL ABOUT

THE WIGGLES.

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW

WHAT A WIGGLE IS.

WIGGLES LET'S CATCH YOU GUY'S

UP.

WIGGLES ARE THESE FOUR GLEEFUL

DICKS FROM AUSTRALIA.

CAME OVER AND THEY WEAR

MULTICOLORED STAR TREK OUTFITS

AND THEY SING SONGS ABOUT FRUIT

SALAD AND HOW YUMMY IT IS,

RIGHT?

AND JUST OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SELL MILLIONS OF ALBUMS.

AND THE KIDS LOVE 'EM.

THEY GO CRAZY.

THEY HANG OUT WITH A GUY NAMED

CAPTAIN FEATHERSWORD WHO'S GOT

A FEATHER FOR A SWORD.

BUT HE'S MISSING AN EYE, ALSO.

HE'S MISSING AN EYE.

SO APPARENTLY HE TICKLED THE

WRONG PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK SOMETHING HE WAS WARNED

ABOUT, TOO.

SO WE WENT UP TO HIM LIKE,

"LOOK, FEATHERSWORD, MAN.

YOU TICKLE ME AGAIN AND

I'M GONNA CUT OUT YOUR EYE,

ALL RIGHT?"

AND THEN SURE ENOUGH,

"WO HO-HO, HO-HO!"

AND HE SPOONED THAT LITTLE EYE

OUT OF HIS--

AND THAT'S GOOD FOR A KID'S

SHOW, TO HAVE A GUY WHO'S

MISSING AN EYEBALL ON THERE.

AND THEN THEY SING SONGS.

AND THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS

THEY'RE NOT ON THE TV.

THEY DO CONCERTS ALL OVER THE

AREA.

THEY DO CONCERTS ACROSS THE

COUNTRY.

THEY DO CONCERTS IN EUROPE.

AND IT COSTS $30 FOR A WIGGLES

TICKET, RIGHT?

THIRTY BUCKS OUTKAST BETTER

SHOW UP, RIGHT?

BETTER BE BIG BOY IN THE

WIGGLES, ONE NIGHT ONLY, RIGHT?

BUT NO, THEY'RE OUT THERE.

AND ANOTHER THING IS YOU CAN'T

GET BACKSTAGE TO A WIGGLES SHOW.

IT'S NOT ALLOWED.

AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

I LOOKED IT UP ON THE INTERNET.

CRAZED SINGLE MOMS WANNA HUMP

THE WIGGLES.

IT'S TRUE.

THERE'S WIGGLE HO'S OUT THERE

AND THEY'RE RUINING IT FOR

EVERYBODY.

THEY'RE RUININ' IT FOR

EVERYBODY.

LONG STORY SHORT, NO WIGGLES.

DON'T LET YOUR KID WATCH THE

WIGGLES IF I CAN GIVE YOU GUYS

SOME ADVICE.

ALSO, DON'T BRING YOUR SAND

TOYS.

DON'T BRING YOUR SAND TOYS

TO THE PARK.

THAT'S ANOTHER BAD MOVE.

'CAUSE I GO TO THE PARK AND

I'M ON THE VICODEN, RIGHT?

AND A LITTLE WEED TOO LET'S

FACE IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I GO IN THERE, AND MY WIFE'S

"BRING THE SAND TOYS.

BRING THE SAND TOYS."

AND WE DUMP THE SAND TOYS DOWN

AND I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS EVERY,

SINGLE TIME.

I GOTTA PLAY SAND TOY REPO MAN,

RIGHT?

FROM THE EIGHT LITTLE KIDS THAT

RUN OFF IN NINE DIFFERENT

DIRECTIONS WITH MY SAND TOYS.

AND THEN I GOTTA WRESTLE THE

SAND TOY AND MY SHOVEL AWAY

FROM A SURLY ARMENIAN BABY,

RIGHT?

I DON'T WANNA DO THAT.

AND I KNOW I SAID THERE'S A

LOTTA BROWN, HYBRID STUFF BUT

I CAN TELL THESE KIDS ARE

ARMENIAN.

HE'S LIKE 15 MONTHS OLD.

HE'S GOT UNIBROW FULL ACROSS

ALREADY.

AND HE'S GOT A LITTLE MOCK

TURTLENECK HE WEARS,

GOLD CHAINS SIPPIN' A STARBUCKS,

RIGHT?

TRYIN' TO RENT OUT PIECES OF

THE PLAY STRUCTURE TO OTHER

BABIES, RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE GOOD VIEW OF SLIDE.

YOU BUY."

HE WEARS A SWEAT SUIT AND HIS

STROLLER HAS RIMS.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW THAT THIS IS

AN ARMENIAN BABY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO THEN I GO AND I TRY TO GET

MY SHOVEL BACK.

I'M LIKE, "GO AHEAD, LOOK,

THERE PAL.

IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO.

I NEED MY SHOVEL."

HE'S LIKE "NO, IT'S MY SHOVEL."

THEN I WHISPER TO HIM, TOO.

I SAY, "LOOK THERE, BUDDY--

BITCH FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WANNA BRING A DIG YOU BRING YOUR

OWN STUFF, MAN."

AND HE SAID, "I DIG YOUR GRAVE!

I'LL DIG YOUR GRAVE!"

THEN YOU GET TO WRESTLE IT AWAY

FROM HIM.

AND THE WORST AT THE PARK ARE

THESE BEST-IN-SHOW MOMS, RIGHT,

THAT ARE PARADING THEIR BABIES

AROUND NAMED CAITLIN AND

CASSIDY.

AND THEY'RE OUT THERE.

AND MY BABY DOESN'T DO MUCH.

LIKE I STARTED TO TELL YOU HE

DANCES, DANCES LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MUSIC AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE ALSO SAYS--

YOU COULD SAY, "ARE YOU A

MONSTER?

ARE YOU A MONSTER?"

THEN HE'LL GO, "UGH-GH-GH."

AND THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL HE DOES.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN I GOTTA DEAL WITH SHOW-OFF

MOM.

LIKE IT'S THE WESTMINSTER DOG

SHOW PARADING CASSIDY AROUND,

RIGHT.

"HEY, LOOK WHAT CASSIDY CAN DO

TODAY.

LOOK AT CASSIDY.

SHE SAYS HER NAME."

"OH, I'M CASSIDY.

THIS IS CASSIDY'S NOSE.

THIS IS CASSIDY'S NOSE."

LIKE ALL RIGHT.

WE GET IT.

WE GET IT, RIGHT.

MEANWHILE MY BABY'S

"UGH-UGH-UGH."

ALL RIGHT.

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