Tuesday, November 29, 2016

  • 11/29/2016

Chelsey Crisp, Dana Carvey and Scott Aukerman make up new holidays, divulge the ways in which they're triggered by Santa Claus and invent #SexyDisney movies.

So, yesterday, yesterday,we talked about Black Friday,

which was followedby Small-Business Saturday,

followed by (bleep) It Sunday,and then Cyber Monday.

So our entire calendarhas become

this capitalist holy week.

Soon we're gonna be walkingaround with dollar signs

drawn in ash on our foreheads,

and we're gonna knowit's around Thanksgiving.

But, luckily, today is a breakfrom the consumerist madness,

-because it's Giving Tuesday.-(audience sighing)

-It's Giving Tuesday.-(angelic music plays)

-Oh, yeah, there's the, uh...Yeah. -(applause and cheering)

No thank you.

Today, we can all do our partfor sick kids,

sick animals, sick tax breaks.

There are a ton of greatcharities out there,

and people online are reallygetting into the spirit.

Why, he Gates Foundationeven pledged

to match donations madeon Facebook up to $500,000,

which is what Bill Gates just,like, found in his jeans

-before he threw 'em inthe (bleep) laundry. -(laughter)

But, comedians, comedians,

since our calendar has becomea Simon Says of pushy holidays,

what are some other social mediadays to fill out our week?

Dana Carvey.

Self-Suck Saturday where you...

(laughter)

-Where you what?-I've never

said thison American television.

Self-Suck Saturday,where you take

a moment every week to learn how

to go down on yourselves,ladies and gentlemen.

HARDWICK:Yes, excellent. Fantastic.

-One day a week.-(applause and cheering)

I thank you and...

-thank you.-HARDWICK: And if you figure

that out on Saturday,it turns into

"I quit my jobMonday through Friday."

(laughter)

-Anyone else?-CARVEY: Get a grip on yourself!

HARDWICK: Get a grip...I have a grip on myself.

-I'm trying to get a mouthon myself. -(laughter) -What?

I have Freaky Friday

where you switch bodies withyour dad and (bleep) your mom.

-HARDWICK: All right, great,great. -(groaning & laughter)

(scattered applause, groaning)

-Is this on television?-HARDWICK: Yes. -(laughter)

Is this an online show or what?

This is...

I couldn't say "penis"

-when I did SNL. -HARDWICK: I know. Now...

-I had to say, "naughtybulbous area." -(laughter)

Which sounded worse than "penis."

-Chelsea.-My holiday is...

(bleep) is tomorrow Christmas?

I am not done shopping.I haven't started wrapping.

Why is everything so stressfulSaturday.

HARDWICK:All right. Perfect.

Next up-- the war on Santa.

If you're watching this showwith your kids,

you're a great parent!Thank you!

And, also, sorry for allthe times I did this. Aah!

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

But...

before this next piece,here is a disclaimer.

MAN: Spoiler alert.

AUKERMAN:This is dance.

According to a new study,it's damaging

for parentsto lie to kids about Santa Claus

before Jesus' birthday.

Here's a fair and balanced takefrom Fox News.

MAN: They suggest that lying to children

could undermine their trust in parents,

as a result leaving them open to abject disappointment.

If parents can lie so convincingly

and over such a long time, what else can they lie about?

-Yeah.-(laughter)

First of all, (bleep) you,(bleep) those kids.

This is all dumb.

Yeah, I love this.

Like, oh, don't lieto your kids, but go ahead

and keep getting your news froma totally biased news source.

-(cheers and applause)-Oh! -Wow!

Nope. Nope. I'm out.

-I'm out.-HARDWICK: You're in. You're in.

-Scott's out?-Aukerman out.

-Aukerman's in.-CARVEY: You know, uh...

(imitating Trump):This wasn't very nice, okay?

You're not very nice, okay?When's this on? Midnight?

-Why? Why? -HARDWICK: I don'tknow. -What a nasty man.

-What a nasty man. -It's noteven on at midnight.

Comedians, at this verysensitive time of year,

what else is triggering youabout Santa Claus?

-Scott Aukerman.-Now I don't believe it

when I hearanyone who's coming to down.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

My uncle, Cavalia.

HARDWICK:Yeah, none of 'em.

-The I Loved The 90s Tour.-HARDWICK: Points.

-Chelsey Crisp.-I saw Mommy kissing him,

but he didn't have a beard,and he looked a lot

-like her Pilates instructor?-All right, points.

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-He was ripped!

-He was just ripped. Santa wasjacked. -Just (bleep) ripped.

-Dana. -I'm a vegan, but I eatreindeer meat out of spite.

HARDWICK: Yes. Points.Very good, very good.

-(laughter, applause)-You'll show them!

Now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Moana-- it is pronounced Mo-ana.

Don't say "Mona,"or you will make Hawaiians cry.

Please don't.Uh, Moa is dominating

at the box office,partly because its star,

Dwayne The Rock Johnson,has given the people's elbow

to hearts across the country.

Uh, here he is beingthe sexiest man alive.

The invitation is always open,Dwayne T-Rock Johnson.

You can come on this programwhenever you want. Please?

-Come on our show? Uh...-(cheering, applause)

He plays the demigod of the sea,which is fitting,

since he makesall the seats wet.

-So in honor...-(laughter)

of the family-friendly titangetting rock hard,

tonight's hashtag is#SexyDisney. #SexyDisney.

Examples might be...

(laughter, gasps, shouts)

AUKERMAN: I'm so glad there'sa podium in front of me.

Tinker Bell was alreadypretty sexed up.

HARDWICK:Oh, yeah. Well, I know,

but now this is whereshe (bleep) gets (bleep) done.

-Yeah.-(laughter)

Examples might be-- 69 Dalmatians,

or Finding Nemo's... G-Spot.

-(laughter)-I'm gonna put 60 seconds...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Chelsey.-"Some Day My Prince Will Come."

-Okay, points.-(laughter, cheering)

Scott Aukerman.

-Aladdin... My Butt. -All right.

-Carvey.-Walt Gizzney.

-Yes, points!-(laughter, groans)

-Aukerman.-"Hakuna Matitties."

-All right, points.-(cheering, applause)

Chelsey.

-Cherry Poppins. -Yes, points.

(cheering, applause)

Scott Aukerman.

-"Under the C (bleep) T.-All right...

(laughter, shouts)

Chelsey.

"Supercalifragilistic-autoerotic asphyxiation."

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Carvey.-Hoe White.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Dana Carvey.

Booty in the east.

HARDWICK (laughing):Yes, points.

-Chelsey.-Booty in the east.

Uh, the little spermaid.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

(laughter and applause)

Aukerman.

Please welcome your next dancer,Fantasia.

(laughter)