Sandler, Wise, Jamal

  • Season 1, Ep 0111
  • 05/30/1994

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Hi.

How are-- hi.

How you doing?

All right.

I feel weird, I got this suit.

I don't wear suits and I'm notgood in suits, but I gotta--

they told me to wear a suit.

I feel-- anyways,I uh, last time I

had a suit on at my bar mitzvah.

My bar mitzvah it was the last--and now I get the same suit.

It's the same suit.

I think it looks good.

Bar mitzvah was agood day in my life.

Made more money that day, Ithink I'll ever make again.

You know that's really sad.

To peak at 13 isa weird feeling.

I'd like to do animpression for you.

Wilt Chamberlain scored 100points in one basketball game.

That's a lot of points, youknow, for one game, isn't it?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Here's my impressionof the four other guys

on the team with Wiltduring a time out.

I'm open, man.

What's the matter with you.

Pass the ball.

My, my family's here.

You have like 94 points already.

Ed has two, that's becauseyou bounced it off his head.

Share the wealth.

Here's my impression of thecoach on the other team.

Who's covering Wilt?

Stay on him!

It's not a zone!

Everyone looks verynice, not just me.

I think everyonehere looks good.

I think uh, a lotof pretty girls.

I like looking at the prettygirls, very nice to look at.

I don't like talkingto them that much.

They kinda get me nervous.

I get intimidated.

I saw this good lookinggirl the other day,

I was with my friend, myfriend goes, "look at her,

she's beautiful."

"Ah, yeah, she's nice."

He goes, "well, go ask her out."

"I-- I don't know, I don'tknow what to say to her,

she's too good looking."

He goes, "just ask her out.

The worst she'sgoing to say is no."

So I asked her out and she goes,"get away from me, you loser."

Loser.

Kinda like, I think youbroke the rules there.

It's I, uh I'm kinda youngto be having a girlfriend.

I don't know, it's, havinga girlfriend's like too much

of a commitment atmy age right now.

But she's such a nice girl.

I think, I don't know,maybe I'm in love,

but I kind of wantto break up with her.

I can't-- I can't doit, though, you know.

Like every time I-- Istart, I look in her eyes

and I can finish off becauseshe's such a nice girl.

I'm like, um, just thingsare weird, you know, and we--

it's just, we're kind ofyoung, and we gotta-- you know,

it's just uh, it's thiscommitment thing-- we just--

we gotta get married very soon.

Very soon.

It's all right.

No, I want to marry you.

It's OK.

Breakup songs.

A lot of break up songshave the same theme

in the song the guy sings.

"Baby, you're seeingsomebody new now,

but if he treats you bad,I'll always be here for you,

because I love you very much."

They should make that alittle more realistic.

You know, "youseeing somebody new

now, if he treatsyou bad, good!"

Why should I sufferalone, you whore?

No one likes to suffer.

I don't like to suffer.

You know what I meant.

If a girl breaksup with me, I want

her to just die, just be dead.

Not because-- not because I hateher so much, it's just easier

when my friends go,"hey what happened?"

Oh, she's dead.

She's dead.

I'd still be withher, but she's dead.

What can I do?

She was loving me,but she's dead.

I hate this suit.

I gotta-- ooh, this is weird.

I don't like this.

OK.

So I'm going to see mygrandmother, couple weeks.

And I-- I love visitingher, she's a nice lady,

I guess, but the worstis that she can't hear

and she's got thisum, this, this system

where's she's gotta buzz me in.

You know, the intercom system.

And it just takes forever to gether attention with the buzzer.

And she finally--it like, it takes

days to get in to--because she comes to the--

and then she's so paranoidwhen she hears me.

She's,

[grandma voice] Who'swho's down there?

Who is there?" [normal voice]It's your grandson,

it's your grandson.

[grandma voice] Charles Manson?

[normal voice] No.

It's not Charles Manson.

It's your grandson.

Then she finally hears me andshe gets a little paranoid

and you know, doesn'tbelieve 100% that it's me,

so she's got to quiz me.

[grandma voice] OK.

So, Adam, it is Adam, isn't it?

[normal voice] Yeah.

It's Adam.

[grandma voice] Who in ourfamily is allergic to chicken?

[normal voice] I thinkthat's my brother,

is that my brother, Scott?

[grandma voice] Yes, that's one.

Now, who in thefamily is pregnant

out of wedlock right now.

Answer me!

[normal voice] I think that'smy cousin Idina, right?

[grandma voice] Yes, sucha shame, too, nice girl.

[normal voice] Grandma,can you let me in the--

[grandma voice] Not yet!

Who in the family, when I was atyour sister's wedding dancing,

having such a wonderfultime, and my heel broke

and I fell into the melonballs, who was laughing at me?

[normal voice] That was me.

That was me, Grandma, I'm gladI did because you are a psycho.

Now let me in the building.

You're a very weird lady.

Then once she decides onletting me in the building,

she goes from the paranoidlady to the mad buzzer holder.

She can't let go of the buzzer.

Bzzz!

[grandma voice] Are you inyet? [normal voice] Yes,

I'm in and so are17 crack addicts,

let go-- let go of the buzzer.

All right.

It's really lovelythere this time here.

The homeless have tans.

I don't reallylike living there.

I have to for health reasons.

I'm very paranoid andNew York's the only place

my fears are justified.

And I'm worried about my cat.

She's been so depressed.

We had the exterminator inand they killed all her toys.

I'm trying to do mybit to save the planet.

I called one of theseorganic exterminators.

They advertise all natural,no harmful chemicals.

I got such a badheadache from that.

All that stomping.

Ugh.

It's like-- what a mess.

I've been cleaninghouse all week.

It's never a fun job, butit got a little worse.

I read this little fact in USAToday that 90% of all household

dust is actually littleparticles of human skin.

How mortifying.

Not only is myhouse filthy, turns

out I'm personally responsible.

I know we end up as dust.

I didn't realize itwas an ongoing process.

Pardon the mess, I'm molting.

I'm a little worried about this.

It's supposed toimprove my vision.

I hate getting my bangs cut.

I go to this littlesalon in my neighborhood

called The Pampered Poodle.

They're very nice.

I feel kind of sillyclimbing up on all fours

on that little metal table.

But they do very thorough job.

They shave my legs.

I don't mind.

I just wish they wouldn'tinsist on leaving

those little tuftsaround my ankles.

I'm working out the health club.

That's kind of embarrassing.

You know, other peoplethere watching you.

It feels likethey're watching you.

And it's embarrassingfor me because I have one

of these bodies thatcracks all the time.

I move my neck, it cracks.

Or my elbow, my back.

I don't care, really.

I make money on the side as anexotic dancer for the blind.

So.

The search for the man goes on.

I'm getting a littletired of being single.

It's not that much fun anymore.

Downright hazardous, what withpeople flinging condoms at you

left and right.

Watch that.

I'm just browsing here.

I-- I want to get married.

That's how I want to end it all.

I was asked once.

We actually set a date.

I knew he wasn't committedbecause the only penciled it

in.

It's not that easy tofind the perfect person.

You've got to bevery compatible.

I dated a guy-- we weredifferent religions.

We didn't care but his familygot very upset, you know.

Because they're Jewish.

Well, I went to their housefor Hanukkah, you know,

last Christmas.

And uh, they litthe little candles,

said the little prayer, Imade a wish and blew them out.

See, I grew up Catholic.

That's whole different thing.

Same guilt, justdifferent issues.

They're very-- they're veryinsistent that you be a virgin

when you get married, like thisis a realistic goal anymore.

I don't even thinkit's good advice.

Marriage is alifetime commitment.

I don't think your weddingnight is the time to find out

you're not sexually compatible.

What if he won'twear the cowboy hat?

I'm here to report romanceis not dead, though.

I got flowers lastweek, which is great.

Makes me feel so pretty.

I tried a little role reversal--gave my boyfriend flowers.

What a waste of money.

He acted like it was a bigchallenge to his manhood.

Like Charles Bronson neverwore a wrist corsage.

It's fun to give menflowers, though, just

to see what they comeup with to put them in.

Got this empty beer bottle.

Well that's good, that'lltake care of two of them.

I wanted to use theRagu jar, but then he

wouldn't have hadanything to drink out of.

So I think the thing-- the thingto remember when you're looking

for true love is just keepyour hopes up, you know,

because you never knowyou could round a corner

and just bump rightinto Mr. You Might Do.

CROWD: Woo!

-Good looking crowd, man.

I just moved to California.

You gotta stay in shape outin California, don't you?

You gotta stay in shape.

And they got thosethings, aerobic classes.

I hate those.

You ever been to aerobic class?

Why does the instructor alwayswear the most skimpiest outfit.

You ever notice that?

She's up front talkingabout, "get it up!

Get it up!

Get it up!"

I'm like, it is up, it is up.

Put your clothes on.

As Let's bring him down.

I hate this here.

You gotta stay in shape, though.

I've started to take Kung Fu.

That's what I'm takingto protect myself.

Because they teach youhow to be an animal.

Like a lion.

Or a leopard.

A guy pulled out a gun on me.

I was like-- it'sthe chicken move.

You ah, you everhead of Tai Chi?

You ever heard of that?

That's that slow thing.

What, what good is that for?

A group of peoplejump out on you.

Would you, ah, youare in trouble now.

I am going to wipe you out.

Yeah.

And I like to watch thosefemale bodybuilders.

You ever see that?

Female bodybuilders?

I was watching-- I didn'teven know it was a lady.

She was doing like this,she going like this.

She had no breasts.

No breasts.

The she turnedaround did like that.

Breasts popped out of her back.

Boom.

Boom.

Right out of her back.

And you know what I'm thinking.

Now that's the lady Iwant to slow dance with.

You gotta stay in shape.

You gotta stay in shape.

You can get into sports.

How many people like sports?

Yeah.

What's a good sportto stay in shape?

Hockey.

You ever watch hockey?

Why is hockey so rough?

You ever see this?

I'm starting to understandwhat this-- you can actually

take a stick and beat someoneand they don't stop you like,

[beating sounds] And then for apenalty, you get to go sit down

and rest in the box.

That guy's still out thereskating, bleeding to death.

I like sports, man.

Another thing you gottado, you gotta what you eat.

Isn't that true?

See.

I'm a vegetarian.

See, we worshippedanimals when we

were growing up becausemy mother was a cow.

No, I'm kidding.

My father loved thatjoke, but I'm kidding.

Watched a lot oftelevision lately.

A lot of dumb things on TV.

Like commercials.

Don't you hate some ofthose dumb commercials?

They'll let anybody do acommercial-- I actually saw Bob

Dylan doing a say noto drugs commercial.

Bob Dylan.

That's like me doing asuntan lotion commercial.

They got these dumbcommercials out there.

And in L.A. they got a lotof law firm things going.

You can sue anyoneout here, can't you?

You can sue anyone for anything.

I saw a commercial the otherday, they guy talking about,

"I woke up this morningand I was black,

so I called Jacoby and Meyers.

They told me it couldbe an accident."

How about those truckdriving school commercials?

Oh, aren't those genius?

You ever seenunintelligent people

try to do truck driving school?

"Hello.

My name is Jack Knife.

I learned how to drive a18-wheeler in just eight weeks.

Or was it a eight-wheelerin 18 weeks.

I don't know."

Oh man.

I don't know.

You know those oldshows they have.

Didn't you like those old shows?

Like Tarzan?

Remember Tarzan?

Story about a white guy, grewup in a predominantly black

neighborhood.

This guy was always running.

Remember that?

He was always running.

God, they shouldhave used a brother.

They could have used ablack guy to play Tarzan.

They could have.

But you know how Hollywood is.

If they had to usea black guy, they

would have stereotyped the show.

Wouldn't it?

They wouldn't haveeven called him Tarzan.

They'd have called himsomething like Tyrone-Zan.

And his son, Home Boy.

That's not right.

But could you imagine the firstepisode Tyrone-Zan is walking

through the jungleand he sees a lion.

He's going through the jungle.

(SINGING) "Junglelove, oh me oh, me oh."

Rawr!

Aww, shucks, a lion.

And then he gets intohis favorite yell.

(SINGING) Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa whoa!

I need help!

Have these threemonkeys with him.

(SINGING) Help!

I gotta get out of here.

My perm is starting to fall.

Hey, you're a great crowd.My name is A.J. Jamal.

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