Sandler, Wise, Jamal

  • Season 1, Ep 0111
  • 05/30/1994

It's really lovelythere this time here.

The homeless have tans.

I don't reallylike living there.

I have to for health reasons.

I'm very paranoid andNew York's the only place

my fears are justified.

And I'm worried about my cat.

She's been so depressed.

We had the exterminator inand they killed all her toys.

I'm trying to do mybit to save the planet.

I called one of theseorganic exterminators.

They advertise all natural,no harmful chemicals.

I got such a badheadache from that.

All that stomping.

Ugh.

It's like-- what a mess.

I've been cleaninghouse all week.

It's never a fun job, butit got a little worse.

I read this little fact in USAToday that 90% of all household

dust is actually littleparticles of human skin.

How mortifying.

Not only is myhouse filthy, turns

out I'm personally responsible.

I know we end up as dust.

I didn't realize itwas an ongoing process.

Pardon the mess, I'm molting.

I'm a little worried about this.

It's supposed toimprove my vision.

I hate getting my bangs cut.

I go to this littlesalon in my neighborhood

called The Pampered Poodle.

They're very nice.

I feel kind of sillyclimbing up on all fours

on that little metal table.

But they do very thorough job.

They shave my legs.

I don't mind.

I just wish they wouldn'tinsist on leaving

those little tuftsaround my ankles.

I'm working out the health club.

That's kind of embarrassing.

You know, other peoplethere watching you.

It feels likethey're watching you.

And it's embarrassingfor me because I have one

of these bodies thatcracks all the time.

I move my neck, it cracks.

Or my elbow, my back.

I don't care, really.

I make money on the side as anexotic dancer for the blind.

CROWD: Woo!

-Good looking crowd, man.

I just moved to California.

You gotta stay in shape outin California, don't you?

You gotta stay in shape.

And they got thosethings, aerobic classes.

I hate those.

You ever been to aerobic class?

Why does the instructor alwayswear the most skimpiest outfit.

You ever notice that?

She's up front talkingabout, "get it up!

Get it up!

Get it up!"

I'm like, it is up, it is up.

Put your clothes on.

As Let's bring him down.

I hate this here.

You gotta stay in shape, though.

I've started to take Kung Fu.

That's what I'm takingto protect myself.

Because they teach youhow to be an animal.

Like a lion.

Or a leopard.

A guy pulled out a gun on me.

I was like-- it'sthe chicken move.

You ah, you everhead of Tai Chi?

You ever heard of that?

That's that slow thing.

What, what good is that for?

A group of peoplejump out on you.

Would you, ah, youare in trouble now.

I am going to wipe you out.

Yeah.

And I like to watch thosefemale bodybuilders.

You ever see that?

Female bodybuilders?

I was watching-- I didn'teven know it was a lady.

She was doing like this,she going like this.

She had no breasts.

No breasts.

The she turnedaround did like that.

Breasts popped out of her back.

Boom.

Boom.

Right out of her back.

And you know what I'm thinking.

Now that's the lady Iwant to slow dance with.

You gotta stay in shape.

You gotta stay in shape.

You can get into sports.

How many people like sports?

Yeah.

What's a good sportto stay in shape?

Hockey.

You ever watch hockey?

Why is hockey so rough?

You ever see this?

I'm starting to understandwhat this-- you can actually

take a stick and beat someoneand they don't stop you like,

[beating sounds] And then for apenalty, you get to go sit down

and rest in the box.

That guy's still out thereskating, bleeding to death.

I like sports, man.

Another thing you gottado, you gotta what you eat.

Isn't that true?

See.

I'm a vegetarian.

See, we worshippedanimals when we

were growing up becausemy mother was a cow.

No, I'm kidding.

My father loved thatjoke, but I'm kidding.

Watched a lot oftelevision lately.

A lot of dumb things on TV.

Like commercials.

Don't you hate some ofthose dumb commercials?

They'll let anybody do acommercial-- I actually saw Bob

Dylan doing a say noto drugs commercial.

Bob Dylan.

That's like me doing asuntan lotion commercial.

They got these dumbcommercials out there.

And in L.A. they got a lotof law firm things going.

You can sue anyoneout here, can't you?

You can sue anyone for anything.

I saw a commercial the otherday, they guy talking about,

"I woke up this morningand I was black,

so I called Jacoby and Meyers.

They told me it couldbe an accident."

How about those truckdriving school commercials?

Oh, aren't those genius?

You ever seenunintelligent people

try to do truck driving school?

"Hello.

My name is Jack Knife.

I learned how to drive a18-wheeler in just eight weeks.

Or was it a eight-wheelerin 18 weeks.

I don't know."

Oh man.

I don't know.

You know those oldshows they have.

Didn't you like those old shows?

Like Tarzan?

Remember Tarzan?

Story about a white guy, grewup in a predominantly black

neighborhood.

This guy was always running.

Remember that?

He was always running.

God, they shouldhave used a brother.

They could have used ablack guy to play Tarzan.

They could have.

But you know how Hollywood is.

If they had to usea black guy, they

would have stereotyped the show.

Wouldn't it?

They wouldn't haveeven called him Tarzan.

They'd have called himsomething like Tyrone-Zan.

And his son, Home Boy.

That's not right.

But could you imagine the firstepisode Tyrone-Zan is walking

through the jungleand he sees a lion.

He's going through the jungle.

(SINGING) "Junglelove, oh me oh, me oh."

Rawr!

Aww, shucks, a lion.

And then he gets intohis favorite yell.

(SINGING) Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa whoa!

I need help!

Have these threemonkeys with him.

(SINGING) Help!

I gotta get out of here.

My perm is starting to fall.

Hey, you're a great crowd.My name is A.J. Jamal.

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