Sandler, Wise, Jamal

  • Season 1, Ep 11
  • 05/30/1994

Sandler, Wise, Jamal

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you!


How are-- hi.

How you doing?

All right.

I feel weird, I got this suit.

I don't wear suits and I'm notgood in suits, but I gotta--

they told me to wear a suit.

I feel-- anyways,I uh, last time I

had a suit on at my bar mitzvah.

My bar mitzvah it was the last--and now I get the same suit.

It's the same suit.

I think it looks good.

Bar mitzvah was agood day in my life.

Made more money that day, Ithink I'll ever make again.

You know that's really sad.

To peak at 13 isa weird feeling.

I'd like to do animpression for you.

Wilt Chamberlain scored 100points in one basketball game.

That's a lot of points, youknow, for one game, isn't it?



Here's my impressionof the four other guys

on the team with Wiltduring a time out.

I'm open, man.

What's the matter with you.

Pass the ball.

My, my family's here.

You have like 94 points already.

Ed has two, that's becauseyou bounced it off his head.

Share the wealth.

Here's my impression of thecoach on the other team.

Who's covering Wilt?

Stay on him!

It's not a zone!

Everyone looks verynice, not just me.

I think everyonehere looks good.

I think uh, a lotof pretty girls.

I like looking at the prettygirls, very nice to look at.

I don't like talkingto them that much.

They kinda get me nervous.

I get intimidated.

I saw this good lookinggirl the other day,

I was with my friend, myfriend goes, "look at her,

she's beautiful."

"Ah, yeah, she's nice."

He goes, "well, go ask her out."

"I-- I don't know, I don'tknow what to say to her,

she's too good looking."

He goes, "just ask her out.

The worst she'sgoing to say is no."

So I asked her out and she goes,"get away from me, you loser."


Kinda like, I think youbroke the rules there.

It's I, uh I'm kinda youngto be having a girlfriend.

I don't know, it's, havinga girlfriend's like too much

of a commitment atmy age right now.

But she's such a nice girl.

I think, I don't know,maybe I'm in love,

but I kind of wantto break up with her.

I can't-- I can't doit, though, you know.

Like every time I-- Istart, I look in her eyes

and I can finish off becauseshe's such a nice girl.

I'm like, um, just thingsare weird, you know, and we--

it's just, we're kind ofyoung, and we gotta-- you know,

it's just uh, it's thiscommitment thing-- we just--

we gotta get married very soon.

Very soon.

It's all right.

No, I want to marry you.

It's OK.

Breakup songs.

A lot of break up songshave the same theme

in the song the guy sings.

"Baby, you're seeingsomebody new now,

but if he treats you bad,I'll always be here for you,

because I love you very much."

They should make that alittle more realistic.

You know, "youseeing somebody new

now, if he treatsyou bad, good!"

Why should I sufferalone, you whore?

No one likes to suffer.

I don't like to suffer.

You know what I meant.

If a girl breaksup with me, I want

her to just die, just be dead.

Not because-- not because I hateher so much, it's just easier

when my friends go,"hey what happened?"

Oh, she's dead.

She's dead.

I'd still be withher, but she's dead.

What can I do?

She was loving me,but she's dead.

I hate this suit.

I gotta-- ooh, this is weird.

I don't like this.


So I'm going to see mygrandmother, couple weeks.

And I-- I love visitingher, she's a nice lady,

I guess, but the worstis that she can't hear

and she's got thisum, this, this system

where's she's gotta buzz me in.

You know, the intercom system.

And it just takes forever to gether attention with the buzzer.

And she finally--it like, it takes

days to get in to--because she comes to the--

and then she's so paranoidwhen she hears me.


[grandma voice] Who'swho's down there?

Who is there?" [normal voice]It's your grandson,

it's your grandson.

[grandma voice] Charles Manson?

[normal voice] No.

It's not Charles Manson.

It's your grandson.

Then she finally hears me andshe gets a little paranoid

and you know, doesn'tbelieve 100% that it's me,

so she's got to quiz me.

[grandma voice] OK.

So, Adam, it is Adam, isn't it?

[normal voice] Yeah.

It's Adam.

[grandma voice] Who in ourfamily is allergic to chicken?

[normal voice] I thinkthat's my brother,

is that my brother, Scott?

[grandma voice] Yes, that's one.

Now, who in thefamily is pregnant

out of wedlock right now.

Answer me!

[normal voice] I think that'smy cousin Idina, right?

[grandma voice] Yes, sucha shame, too, nice girl.

[normal voice] Grandma,can you let me in the--

[grandma voice] Not yet!

Who in the family, when I was atyour sister's wedding dancing,

having such a wonderfultime, and my heel broke

and I fell into the melonballs, who was laughing at me?

[normal voice] That was me.

That was me, Grandma, I'm gladI did because you are a psycho.

Now let me in the building.

You're a very weird lady.

Then once she decides onletting me in the building,

she goes from the paranoidlady to the mad buzzer holder.

She can't let go of the buzzer.


[grandma voice] Are you inyet? [normal voice] Yes,

I'm in and so are17 crack addicts,

let go-- let go of the buzzer.

All right.