Mooney, Levy, Foster, Tripoli

  • Season 7, Ep 712
  • 01/23/2004

D.L. Hughley stars in Premium Blend featuring Megan Mooney, Cash Levy, Karith Foster and Sam Tripoli.

YEAH.

I, AH, I'M FROM A BIG IRISH

FAMILY.

WHICH IS COOL.

MY PARENTS HAD SEVEN CHILDREN

BUT I DON'T THINK THEY WANTED

SEVEN KIDS.

UH, THEY'RE CATHOLIC, SO, YEAH,

THAT MEANS THEY LOVE JESUS

AND THEY HATE FOUR OF US

SO THAT'S COMFORTING,

GOOD TO KNOW UP FRONT.

THEY WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND NOT

TELL US WHERE THEY WERE GOING.

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER, YOU LOVE

YOUR PARENTS.

WE DIDN'T WANT THEM TO LEAVE,

WE'RE LIKE, "WHERE YOU GOING?"

AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "DON'T PLAY

WITH THE STOVE."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS

THINK WE DO WHEN YOU LEAVE?

"ARE THEY GONE YET?

WHERE'S THE STOVE?

I'M TURNING IT ON AND OFF,

I'M CRAZY!

YEAH.

WHEW!

YEAH."

[APPLAUSE]

NO.

WE WERE NOT PARTYING WITH

MY PARENT'S APPLIANCES.

WE WERE HURTING EACH OTHER.

YOU EVER WANT TO DO SOMETHING

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA HURT SO

YOU GET ONE OF THE YOUNGER KIDS

TO DOIT FOR YOU?

YEAH, WE'D ALWAYS BE LIKE,

"KEVIN, GET IN HERE, WE'RE

PLAYING BUS AND YOU'RE DRIVING.

BRING SOME KEYS."

AND HE'S ALL EXCITED 'CAUSE WE

HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM IN SIX

WEEKS RIGHT.

SO HE COMES RUNNING IN AND WE'RE

LIKE, "YOU GOTTA START THE BUS,

BUDDY.

PUT THE KEY IN THE OUTLET."

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I DID NOT THINK HE WAS GOING TO

DO IT!

BUT I MADE NO ATTEMPT TO STOP

HIM AS HE WAS GOING FOR IT.

I WAS LIKE, "HOLY CRAP, BACK UP,

DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT."

HE'S GONNA DO IT.

AND HE FLEW OVER A BED,

HIT A WALL, SLOWLY SLUMPED

TO THE GROUND, AND HE WAS JUST

LAYING THERE.

WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

WE WERE LIKE.

"GOOD JOB, KEVIN, NOW WE'RE ALL

IN TROUBLE!

THANKS A LOT!"

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

BY NOW MY MOM'S COMING UP THE

STAIRS AND WE'RE ACTING,

WE'RE PANICKED NOW, SHE'S

COMING!

WE'RE, "ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT

BURNT!

ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT...

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY GET AN EYEBROW PENCIL,

HURRY UP!"

[APPLAUSE]

AHHH.

I AH, PLEASE.

THIS TOTAL STRANGER WANDERED

UP TO ME SAID, "HEY, MAN,

GOT A LIGHT, MAN, GOT A SMOKE,

GOT A LIGHT, GOT A SMOKE?"

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT A SMOKER,

BUT APPARENTLY YOU ARE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVEST

IN A WHOLE PACK OF CIGARETTES."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME SMOKERS NEVER HAVE

SMOKES?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SMOKER,

BUY THE NECESSARY ACCOUTREMENTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING WEEK,

MY EX GIRLFRIEND CALLED.

SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.

SHE CALLED TO TELL ME.

YEAH, SHE CALLED.

SHE WANTED "CLOSURE".

CLOSURE, YEAH, I SAID,

"WHAT PART OF US NOT TALKING

FOR THE LAST YEAR, SEEMED "OPEN"

TO YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR THE DIAL

TONE THAT WILL BE "CLOSURE".

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S TOUGH, THE LONGER YOU'RE IN

A RELATIONSHIP, THE HARDER IT IS

TO GET OUT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE HAVING A

BULLET LODGED IN YOUR STOMACH

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I MEAN THE LONGER IT'S IN THERE,

THE SAFER IT IS TO JUST LEAVE IT

BE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN MY LAST GIRLFRIEND

WANTED TO GET A LITTLE MORE

SERIOUS, I'D USE THE OLD WILD

STALLION TECHNIQUE TO KEEP HER

AT BAY.

THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY, "BABY, I'M

LIKE A WILD STALLION, YOU TRY TO

PUT A SADDLE ON A WILD STALLION

AND HE'LL RUN AND HE'LL RUN AND

HE'LL RUN SOME MORE.

BUT IF YOU LET A WILD STALLION

RUN FREE, HE MAY COME BACK TO

THE BARN."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, SHE DIDN'T BUY IT EITHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE SHOT ME IN THE STOMACH.

LEFT THE BULLET RIGHT IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE EVEN IN THE NBA NOW.

WHAT'S UP?

SEVEN-SIX YAO MING!

WHICH I'M CONVINCED IS THREE

CHINESE GUYS STANDING ON TOP OF

EACH ANOTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

LIFT THE JERSEY, CHING, CHONG,

CHANG, RIGHT THERE, BRO.

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED HEROES, BRO, WE NEED

HEROES.

BUT YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR HEROES

IN WEIRD PLACES.

LIKE I FOUND MINE IN A STRIP BAR

IN VEGAS.

LITTLE PLACE CALLED THE

SPEARMINT RHINO.

THERE I WAS ENJOYING

MY $12 BEER, WHEN I TURNED

MY HEAD AND I SAW, WHAT I

BELIEVE IS THE FIRST AND ONLY,

HANDICAPPED WHEEL CHAIR

STRIPPER.

THIS CHICK WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR

AND HAD A THONG ON.

AND SHE WAS THE SEXIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER MOVE

SHE WAS LIKE DOING SOME

WHEELIES...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE HAD HYDRAULICS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT THE MAGIC, THE MAGIC WAS HER

WORKING THE POLE, OH, MY GOD!

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER POLE

WORK IT WAS JUST LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

AND I MADE SWEET LOVE TO THAT

SPECIAL WOMAN!

ALRIGHT, NEW YORK, I'M OUT.

I LOVE MY JOB.

LOT OF Y'ALL, BOY, DON'T LIKE

YOUR JOBS.

WAKE UP EVERY--

"MAN, DAMN, HOW MANY SICK DAYS

I GOT LEFT?

THIS IS SOME BULL (BLEEP).

OOH, I GOT TO WIN THE LOTTERY,

I GOT TO WIN."

[LAUGHTER]

SEE A LOT OF WHITE FOLKS,

Y'ALL WIN THE LOTTERY AND STILL

GO TO WORK.

"AH, WHAT WILL I DO AT HOME?

I MEAN, I JUST, AH, I'LL WASTE

AWAY.

I GOTTA GO."

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN I GUESS IF I WON THAT

MUCH MONEY I'D STILL GO TO WORK.

I'D GO WORK EVERY DAY FOUR HOURS

LATE.

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE A TWO-HOUR LUNCH.

LEAVE FOUR HOURS EARLY.

[APPLAUSE]

EVENTUALLY THEY WOULD GET SICK

OF THAT BULL (BLEEP) AND FIRE ME

AND THEN I'D GET TWO CHECKS,

UNEMPLOYMENT AND LOTTERY!

WHO WINNING?

WHO WINNING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S FUNNY, MAN, 'CAUSE I

LIKE, MY FATHER IS LIKE THE BEST

MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN AND I WANT

TO BE A GREAT MAN LIKE HIM.

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT

SWEEP OUT PLANES, BUT TO ME HE

WAS A GREAT MAN.

BUT LIKE MY KIDS HAVE MORE THAN

I DID AND I AND I DON'T WANT--

LIKE I, I FEEL LIKE BEING POOR

THE WAY I GREW UP SHAPED ME BUT

I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE

THE SAME EXPERIENCE BECAUSE

THAT'S LIKE WEARING TIGHT SHOES

SO YOU'LL FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU

TAKE 'EM OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU DON'T...

BUT NOW THEY GOT THEIR OWN

ROOMS, I'M 39 YEARS OLD,

I STILL AIN'T GOT MY OWN

(BLEEP) DAMN ROOM!

MY WIFE...

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE, I'M TELLING YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE IS IN MY ROOM ALL THE

TI...

AND YOU KNOW WHEN A WOMAN LOVES

YOU EVERY WHERE YOU GO,

SHE WANNA GO.

YOU EVER NOTICE...

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE."

"I WANT TO GO, (BLEEP) IT,

I'M STAYING HOME!"

(BLEEP).

ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GET

HI, YOU GUYS.

HOW ARE Y'ALL DOING?

OH, YOU ARE SWEET.

BUT A COUPLE OF YOU ARE STARING

AT ME LIKE YOU'RE REALLY

NOT SURE I SHOULD BE TALKING

WITH THIS VOICE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S OKAY, THERE'S A REASON,

I'M FROM TEXAS.

WHEW-WHOO!

ALRIGHT!

I'M ACTUALLY FROM PLANO, TEXAS.

HAS ANYBODY EVER HEARD OF PLANO

AT ALL?

OKAY, WOW!

SOME OF YOU.

FOR THOSE THAT HAVEN'T, PLANO

IS A SUBURB NORTH OF DALLAS

THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE THE ETHNIC

DIVERSITY OF A KLAN RALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL LAUGHED AT

THAT 'CAUSE I TOLD THAT JOKE IN

PENNSYLVANIA TWO WEEKS AGO AND

THEY APPLAUDED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS FRIGHTENED.

NOW I'M NOT SAYING THAT PLANO

IS A RACIST PLACE, BUT OUR

BED BATH AND BEYOND DID HAVE

MORE WHITE SALES THAN THE

AVERAGE COUNTY.

[LAUGHTER]

Y'ALL, I WAS IN AN ALL WHITE

PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY

"A RAISIN IN THE SUN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS THE RAISIN.

I AM TRYING Y'ALL, I REALLY AM.

WITH THEIR LONG NECKS BLOCKING

THE SUN SO THAT NOTHING CAN

GROW.

[LAUGHTER]

TALL PEOPLE ARE LIKE THE SUVs

OF HUMANITY.

SAPPING THE EARTH OF ITS

STRENGTH.

THING I HATE ABOUT TALL PEOPLE

IS THEY JUST ASSUME THE REST

OF US WANT TO BE TALL.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S JUST LIKE PEOPLE WITH HAIR

JUST ASSUME EVERYONE WITHOUT

HAIR WANTS TO HAVE HAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT IS TRUE.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL

BETTER ABOUT MY HATRED FOR

TALL PEOPLE IS THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN LIKE A

REALLY, REALLY OLD TALL PERSON?

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

[APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T LAST VERY LONG.

ENJOY YOUR BASKETBALL AND YOUR

VIEW TALL PEOPLE YOU'RE GOING

DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL IS THE LION.

LION'S MY FRIEND'S.

LIONS SLEEP 85% OF THEIR DAY.

HAVE SEX UP TO 55 TIMES A DAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD BE

SHOOTING FOR!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I WOULD LOVE TO GET THAT MUCH

SLEEP.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULD BE GREAT, YOU WAKE UP,

YOU HAVE SEX, YOU HAVE SEX,

YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP.

IT WOULD BE LIKE COLLEGE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

WE WORK TOO HARD MY NEW FRIENDS.

A LOT OF YOU WORK SIX DAYS A

WEEK AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING, YOU'RE FOLLOWING IN

THE FOOTSTEPS OF GOD, RIGHT,

WHO WORKED FOR SIX DAYS CREATING

THE EARTH AND THEN TOOK A DAY

OF REST.

BUT YOU SEE GOD DIDN'T COME BACK

TO WORK THAT NEXT MONDAY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOPE, GOD HASN'T PUNCHED IN

SINCE.

NO, GOD WAS A TEMP.

[LAUGHTER]

THINK OF GOD'S FIRST WORK DAY,

HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT WORK,

GOD PUNCHED IN, SAID, "LET THEIR

BE LIGHT.

[CLICK]

DONE FOR THE DAY!"

HEY,

MONTHS PREGNANT.

I JUST THINK THAT'S GOOD TIMES

ALL OVER IT RIGHT THERE.

OH, YEAH, JUST LINE UP THE SHOTS

AND START THROWING THEM BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, JUST WHIP UP A SMOKY TREAT

AND SUCK IT DOWN.

TALK REALLY LOUD UNTIL SOMEONE

GETS REALLY MAD, "YOU'RE GONNA

LOVE YOUR NEW FAMILY.

[LAUGHTER]

BARTENDER, ANOTHER DOUBLE,

I'M DRINKING FOR TWO, LET'S GO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

YEAH.

'CAUSE, UH, SOMEONE'S GONNA GET

UPSET WITH THAT RIGHT, AND

THEY'RE GONNA COME RIGHT UP TO

YOU AND GET RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

AND BE LIKE "YOUR BABY'S GONNA

HAVE AN AWFULLY LOW BIRTH

WEIGHT."

"GOOD!

I GOT A SMALL CROTCH."

WOW!

WHAT?

OH, THAT'S...

THAT IS FILTHY.

I'M GLAD YOU GUYS LAUGHED AT

THAT.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU YELL THE WORD

CROTCH AND IT'S SILENT, THAT IS

VERY AWKWARD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE TO END THE SHOW RIGHT

THERE.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET OFF THE

STAGE GRACEFULLY IS TO YELL

SEXUAL CHOCOLATE, DROP THE MIKE

AND RUN!

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

EVEN THOUGH I'M THE ONLY

ARMENIAN IN THE ENTIRE SHOW.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

NOT A LOT OF LOVE FOR MY PEOPLE?

FOR YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHO THE

ARMENIAN'S ARE, WE'RE THE FURRY

BACK PEOPLE.

THAT'S US!

NOBODY LIKES US, NOBODY.

TRY GOING DOWN TO THE BEACH.

TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

BABIES START CRYING.

WOMEN ARE IN THE CORNER PUKING.

"WHY ISN'T THAT DOG ON A LEASH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, YOU WANT PAIN?

PAIN IS HAVING TO SHAVE HERE

EVERYDAY SO WOMEN WILL TALK

TO YOU.

THAT IS PAIN.

NO ONE WANTS ANY OF THAT

UNI-BROW LOVIN'.

[APPLAUSE]

SEE I JUST GOT NO LUCK.

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT LUCK.

IT'S ABOUT BEING IN THE RIGHT

PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

I MEAN, COME ON.

THE BEST EXAMPLE OF THAT HAS

TO BE ANGELINA JOLIE'S CAMBODIAN

KID, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

TALK ABOUT BEING IN THE RIGHT

ORPHANAGE IN THE RIGHT

THIRD WORLD COUNTRY, RIGHT WHEN

ROUND EYE CAME WALKIN' THROUGH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

LIKE HE WAS ANY CUTER THAN

ANY OF THE OTHER KIDS.

THEY'RE ALL ONE YEAR OLD

CAMBODIANS.

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE CUTE LITTLE

MUNCHIE CHEESE, SO SOFT AND

CUDDLY.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW IT JUST CAME

DOWN TO HIM OR ONE OTHER,

YOU KNOW WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

ONE, DA-DA-DA-DA-BOOM-BOOM!

SHIP HIM OUT UPS, NEXT DAY,

GOOD LUCK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU, OH, YOU'RE SCREWED,

OFF TO THE SWEAT SHOPS WITH YOU,

MAKING SNEAKERS FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE.

MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY YOU CAN

BECOME A HOOKER AND CHOOSE

YOUR OWN HOURS.

BLACK PERSON I KNOW CURRENTLY

INVOLVED IN AN EXCHANGE PROGRAM

WITH HARLEM.

AH-HA.

AND I RECENTLY ENROLLED IN EBSL,

EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT WEEK I TAKE FINGER SNAPPING

AND NECK ROLLING.

I'M SO EXCITED.

[APPLAUSE]

UM, MY LAST BOYFRIEND WAS FROM

HARLEM AND THAT WAS INTERESTING

'CAUSE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE

THINGS THAT YOU KNOW ISN'T GOING

TO WORK BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IF

YOU SHOULD HOLD OUT UNTIL YOUR

BIRTHDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

OR UNTIL ALL THE STUFF YOU

BOUGHT AT IKEA'S PUT TOGETHER

'CAUSE YOU NEED TWO PEOPLE

FOR THAT SOMETIMES.

BUT WE HAD A BIT OF A LANGUAGE

BARRIER PROBLEM.

LIKE ONE NIGHT I CAME HOME WITH

THESE AMAZING SHOES I GOT ON

SALE AT BLOOMINDALES AND I WAS

GOING, "HONEY, LOOK AT THESE

SHOES, AREN'T THEY GREAT?"

AND HE SAID, "AH, GIRL,

THOSE SHOES ARE BLING BLING!"

I WAS LIKE, "NO, BILL BLASS."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I THINK THE STRAW THAT BROKE

THE CAMEL'S BACK WAS ONE NIGHT

WE'RE MAKING OUT AND THINGS WERE

GETTING A LITTLE HOT AND HEAVY.

HE GRABS ME AND SAYS,

AND I QUOTE, "MMM, GIRL,

YOUR ASS IS PHAT."

NOW, FOR AN EBONICALLY

CHALLENGED PERSON LIKE MYSELF,

THAT RAISES A FLAG.

WOULD THAT BE "FAT" WITH AND "F"

OR "PHAT" WITH A "PH?"

BECAUSE ONE WILL GET YOU LAID

AND THE OTHER WILL GET YOU

LAID OUT!

[APPLAUSE]

CHOOSE WISELY, GRASSHOPPER.

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