Mooney, Levy, Foster, Tripoli

  • Season 7, Ep 712
  • 01/23/2004

Megan Mooney suspects her parents don't care about her, Cash Levy hates tall people, Karith Foster describes growing up in Texas, and Sam Tripoli knows he's really hairy.

THIS TOTAL STRANGER WANDERED

UP TO ME SAID, "HEY, MAN,

GOT A LIGHT, MAN, GOT A SMOKE,

GOT A LIGHT, GOT A SMOKE?"

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT A SMOKER,

BUT APPARENTLY YOU ARE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVEST

IN A WHOLE PACK OF CIGARETTES."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME SMOKERS NEVER HAVE

SMOKES?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SMOKER,

BUY THE NECESSARY ACCOUTREMENTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING WEEK,

MY EX GIRLFRIEND CALLED.

SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.

SHE CALLED TO TELL ME.

YEAH, SHE CALLED.

SHE WANTED "CLOSURE".

CLOSURE, YEAH, I SAID,

"WHAT PART OF US NOT TALKING

FOR THE LAST YEAR, SEEMED "OPEN"

TO YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR THE DIAL

TONE THAT WILL BE "CLOSURE".

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S TOUGH, THE LONGER YOU'RE IN

A RELATIONSHIP, THE HARDER IT IS

TO GET OUT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE HAVING A

BULLET LODGED IN YOUR STOMACH

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I MEAN THE LONGER IT'S IN THERE,

THE SAFER IT IS TO JUST LEAVE IT

BE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN MY LAST GIRLFRIEND

WANTED TO GET A LITTLE MORE

SERIOUS, I'D USE THE OLD WILD

STALLION TECHNIQUE TO KEEP HER

AT BAY.

THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY, "BABY, I'M

LIKE A WILD STALLION, YOU TRY TO

PUT A SADDLE ON A WILD STALLION

AND HE'LL RUN AND HE'LL RUN AND

HE'LL RUN SOME MORE.

BUT IF YOU LET A WILD STALLION

RUN FREE, HE MAY COME BACK TO

THE BARN."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, SHE DIDN'T BUY IT EITHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE SHOT ME IN THE STOMACH.

LEFT THE BULLET RIGHT IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE EVEN IN THE NBA NOW.

WHAT'S UP?

SEVEN-SIX YAO MING!

WHICH I'M CONVINCED IS THREE

CHINESE GUYS STANDING ON TOP OF

EACH ANOTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

LIFT THE JERSEY, CHING, CHONG,

CHANG, RIGHT THERE, BRO.

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED HEROES, BRO, WE NEED

HEROES.

BUT YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR HEROES

IN WEIRD PLACES.

LIKE I FOUND MINE IN A STRIP BAR

IN VEGAS.

LITTLE PLACE CALLED THE

SPEARMINT RHINO.

THERE I WAS ENJOYING

MY $12 BEER, WHEN I TURNED

MY HEAD AND I SAW, WHAT I

BELIEVE IS THE FIRST AND ONLY,

HANDICAPPED WHEEL CHAIR

STRIPPER.

THIS CHICK WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR

AND HAD A THONG ON.

AND SHE WAS THE SEXIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER MOVE

SHE WAS LIKE DOING SOME

WHEELIES...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE HAD HYDRAULICS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT THE MAGIC, THE MAGIC WAS HER

WORKING THE POLE, OH, MY GOD!

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER POLE

WORK IT WAS JUST LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

AND I MADE SWEET LOVE TO THAT

SPECIAL WOMAN!

ALRIGHT, NEW YORK, I'M OUT.

I LOVE MY JOB.

LOT OF Y'ALL, BOY, DON'T LIKE

YOUR JOBS.

WAKE UP EVERY--

"MAN, DAMN, HOW MANY SICK DAYS

I GOT LEFT?

THIS IS SOME BULL (BLEEP).

OOH, I GOT TO WIN THE LOTTERY,

I GOT TO WIN."

[LAUGHTER]

SEE A LOT OF WHITE FOLKS,

Y'ALL WIN THE LOTTERY AND STILL

GO TO WORK.

"AH, WHAT WILL I DO AT HOME?

I MEAN, I JUST, AH, I'LL WASTE

AWAY.

I GOTTA GO."

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN I GUESS IF I WON THAT

MUCH MONEY I'D STILL GO TO WORK.

I'D GO WORK EVERY DAY FOUR HOURS

LATE.

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE A TWO-HOUR LUNCH.

LEAVE FOUR HOURS EARLY.

[APPLAUSE]

EVENTUALLY THEY WOULD GET SICK

OF THAT BULL (BLEEP) AND FIRE ME

AND THEN I'D GET TWO CHECKS,

UNEMPLOYMENT AND LOTTERY!

WHO WINNING?

WHO WINNING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S FUNNY, MAN, 'CAUSE I

LIKE, MY FATHER IS LIKE THE BEST

MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN AND I WANT

TO BE A GREAT MAN LIKE HIM.

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT

SWEEP OUT PLANES, BUT TO ME HE

WAS A GREAT MAN.

BUT LIKE MY KIDS HAVE MORE THAN

I DID AND I AND I DON'T WANT--

LIKE I, I FEEL LIKE BEING POOR

THE WAY I GREW UP SHAPED ME BUT

I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE

THE SAME EXPERIENCE BECAUSE

THAT'S LIKE WEARING TIGHT SHOES

SO YOU'LL FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU

TAKE 'EM OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU DON'T...

BUT NOW THEY GOT THEIR OWN

ROOMS, I'M 39 YEARS OLD,

I STILL AIN'T GOT MY OWN

(BLEEP) DAMN ROOM!

MY WIFE...

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE, I'M TELLING YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE IS IN MY ROOM ALL THE

TI...

AND YOU KNOW WHEN A WOMAN LOVES

YOU EVERY WHERE YOU GO,

SHE WANNA GO.

YOU EVER NOTICE...

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE."

"I WANT TO GO, (BLEEP) IT,

I'M STAYING HOME!"

(BLEEP).

ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GET

WITH THEIR LONG NECKS BLOCKING

THE SUN SO THAT NOTHING CAN

GROW.

[LAUGHTER]

TALL PEOPLE ARE LIKE THE SUVs

OF HUMANITY.

SAPPING THE EARTH OF ITS

STRENGTH.

THING I HATE ABOUT TALL PEOPLE

IS THEY JUST ASSUME THE REST

OF US WANT TO BE TALL.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S JUST LIKE PEOPLE WITH HAIR

JUST ASSUME EVERYONE WITHOUT

HAIR WANTS TO HAVE HAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT IS TRUE.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL

BETTER ABOUT MY HATRED FOR

TALL PEOPLE IS THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN LIKE A

REALLY, REALLY OLD TALL PERSON?

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

[APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T LAST VERY LONG.

ENJOY YOUR BASKETBALL AND YOUR

VIEW TALL PEOPLE YOU'RE GOING

DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL IS THE LION.

LION'S MY FRIEND'S.

LIONS SLEEP 85% OF THEIR DAY.

HAVE SEX UP TO 55 TIMES A DAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD BE

SHOOTING FOR!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I WOULD LOVE TO GET THAT MUCH

SLEEP.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULD BE GREAT, YOU WAKE UP,

YOU HAVE SEX, YOU HAVE SEX,

YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP.

IT WOULD BE LIKE COLLEGE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

WE WORK TOO HARD MY NEW FRIENDS.

A LOT OF YOU WORK SIX DAYS A

WEEK AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING, YOU'RE FOLLOWING IN

THE FOOTSTEPS OF GOD, RIGHT,

WHO WORKED FOR SIX DAYS CREATING

THE EARTH AND THEN TOOK A DAY

OF REST.

BUT YOU SEE GOD DIDN'T COME BACK

TO WORK THAT NEXT MONDAY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOPE, GOD HASN'T PUNCHED IN

SINCE.

NO, GOD WAS A TEMP.

[LAUGHTER]

THINK OF GOD'S FIRST WORK DAY,

HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT WORK,

GOD PUNCHED IN, SAID, "LET THEIR

BE LIGHT.

[CLICK]

DONE FOR THE DAY!"

HEY,

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

EVEN THOUGH I'M THE ONLY

ARMENIAN IN THE ENTIRE SHOW.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

NOT A LOT OF LOVE FOR MY PEOPLE?

FOR YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHO THE

ARMENIAN'S ARE, WE'RE THE FURRY

BACK PEOPLE.

THAT'S US!

NOBODY LIKES US, NOBODY.

TRY GOING DOWN TO THE BEACH.

TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

BABIES START CRYING.

WOMEN ARE IN THE CORNER PUKING.

"WHY ISN'T THAT DOG ON A LEASH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, YOU WANT PAIN?

PAIN IS HAVING TO SHAVE HERE

EVERYDAY SO WOMEN WILL TALK

TO YOU.

THAT IS PAIN.

NO ONE WANTS ANY OF THAT

UNI-BROW LOVIN'.

[APPLAUSE]

SEE I JUST GOT NO LUCK.

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT LUCK.

IT'S ABOUT BEING IN THE RIGHT

PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

I MEAN, COME ON.

THE BEST EXAMPLE OF THAT HAS

TO BE ANGELINA JOLIE'S CAMBODIAN

KID, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

TALK ABOUT BEING IN THE RIGHT

ORPHANAGE IN THE RIGHT

THIRD WORLD COUNTRY, RIGHT WHEN

ROUND EYE CAME WALKIN' THROUGH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

LIKE HE WAS ANY CUTER THAN

ANY OF THE OTHER KIDS.

THEY'RE ALL ONE YEAR OLD

CAMBODIANS.

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE CUTE LITTLE

MUNCHIE CHEESE, SO SOFT AND

CUDDLY.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW IT JUST CAME

DOWN TO HIM OR ONE OTHER,

YOU KNOW WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

ONE, DA-DA-DA-DA-BOOM-BOOM!

SHIP HIM OUT UPS, NEXT DAY,

GOOD LUCK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU, OH, YOU'RE SCREWED,

OFF TO THE SWEAT SHOPS WITH YOU,

MAKING SNEAKERS FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE.

MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY YOU CAN

BECOME A HOOKER AND CHOOSE

YOUR OWN HOURS.