CC Presents: Lewis Black

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 05/08/2000

THE NEW MILLENNIUM...SUCKS.

WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN THE OLD MILLENNIUM

AND THE NEW MILLENNIUM?

NOTHING!

IT'S THE SAME LOAD OF CRAPWITH A "2" IN THE FRONT.

WHEN I WAS A KID--I AM OLD ENOUGH SO THAT

WHEN I WAS A KID, I LOOKEDFORWARD TO THE NEW MILLENNIUM.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,I SAID,

"I'M GONNA LIVETHROUGH A CHANGE,

"A MASSIVE CHANGE.

"THINGS ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.

THINGS ARE GONNA BE GREAT."

SCREWED AGAIN.

[laughter and applause]

NO FLYING CARS,NO FLYING CARS.

[laughter]

AND IT WASTHE WORST NEW YEAR'S EVER, EVER!

WE SCARED OURSELVES SO BADLY.

SEVEN-YEAR-OLDS LOCKEDIN A CLOSET BY THEMSELVES

DON'T HAVE THE PARANOIDFANTASIES WE CAME UP WITH.

"DON'T GO OUT!DON'T GO OUT!

"WE DON'T KNOWWHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

"WE DON'T KNOW.

"THERE COULD BEGIANT TICKS EVERYWHERE.

WE DON'T KNOW."

MOST AMERICANS WERE SO SCAREDTHAT THEY ACTUALLY STAYED HOME

AND WATCHED PEOPLEIN OTHER COUNTRIES

HAVE FUN ON TELEVISION.

BY 9:00,WE KNEW THIS WAS NONSENSE.

9:00 IN THE MORNING,WE KNEW THERE WAS NO Y2K.

I'M SITTING THERE,

I'M WATCHING THESE PEOPLEIN AFGHANISTAN--

THEY DON'T HAVE TWO STICKSTO RUB TOGETHER--

THEY'RE HAVING MORE FUN

THAN I'M GOING TO HAVETHE WHOLE YEAR.

[applause]

"DON'T GO OUT, BECAUSETHERE'LL BE TERRORISTS."

THEY ALWAYS SAY THATTO NEW YORKERS.

"THERE ARE GOING TO BETERRORISTS COMING."

HOW STUPID DOES A TERRORIST HAVETO BE TO TERRORIZE NEW YORK?

IT'S REDUNDANT.

[laughter]

WHY TERRORIZE A CITYTHAT TERRORIZES ITSELF

BETTER THAN ANY CITYON THE PLANET?

OUR MAYORSCARES THE HELL OUT OF US.

I KNEW THAT I'D LIVEDIN NEW YORK TOO LONG

WHEN, A FEW YEARS AGO,

I WAS ON A SUBWAYGOING DOWNTOWN,

AND IT STOPPED AT 14th STREET,AT THE STATION,

AND THE DOORS OPENED,

AND THE CONDUCTOR ANNOUNCEDTHAT THERE WAS A BOMB ON BOARD

AND WE SHOULDEVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

NOBODY MOVED.

[laughter]

WE JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER:

"DO YOU SEE A BOMB?"

"NO, I DON'T SEE A BOMB.THERE'S NO BOMB."

"I'VE ONLY GOT TWO STOPS.LET'S GO FOR IT."

[applause]

ONE OF THE THINGS--THE WORST THINGS--

ABOUT THE NEW MILLENNIUM IS,WE HAVE TO VOTE.

AND IF YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK,

YOU NOT ONLY HAVE TO VOTEFOR THE PRESIDENT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO VOTEFOR A SENATOR.

AND THOSE SENATORSWHO ARE RUNNING

ARE EITHER HILLARY CLINTONOR RUDY GIULIANI.

[applause and cheering]

WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO VOTE.

WE SHOULD NOT HAVETO VOTE FOR THE PRESIDENT,

BECAUSE VOTING FOR ONE OF THEMIS EXHAUSTING ENOUGH.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO ME.

HILLARY CLINTON?

HILLARY CLINTON IS RUNNING--I--HELLO?!

I'VE SEEN HER FOR EIGHT YEARS;ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

THAT MEANS HE'S GOING TO BEWANDERING AROUND TOO.

I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.

[laughter and applause]

AND THE THING IS, IS,WHENEVER I SEE HILLARY CLINTON,

I FEEL LIKEI HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER.

SHE MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY,

BECAUSE I FEELLIKE I SHOULD VOTE FOR HER

SO THAT SHE'LL FEEL BETTERABOUT HERSELF

BECAUSE SHE'S BEENIN SUCH A BAD MARRIAGE.

[chuckling]OH, YEAH.

AND RUDY GIULIANI--HELLO?!

HE JUST--AS THE YEARS HAVE PASSED,

HE JUST GETS CRAZIER ANDCRAZIER, NUTTIER, SCREWIER.

[cheering and applause]

IF WE HAVE TO VOTEFOR HILLARY OR RUDY,

IT'S MY FIRM BELIEFTHERE SHOULD BE

ANOTHER LEVER THERETHAT SAYS, "KILL ME NOW."

ABOUT THIS NEW MILLENNIUM

IS THAT WE NOW HAVE TO VOTEFOR THE PRESIDENT.

AND I HAVE NOT RECOVEREDF-FROM OUR LAST ELECTION.

WE HAVE NOW NOMINATEDBUSH AND GORE.

IS ANYBODY HOME?

THIS IS IT.THIS IS IT.

THIS ISABOUT AS SCARY AS IT GETS.

WHY?

BECAUSE, FIRST,WE HAVE GEORGE W. BUSH, OKAY,

WHO IS A MAN WHO IS RUNNINGFOR THE PRESIDENCY.

HE'S A MAN WHO WAS A FAILUREUNTIL HE WAS 40 YEARS OLD,

WHICH LOOKS REALLY GOODON YOUR RESUME

IF YOU'RE A COMIC.

[laughter and applause]

AND THE WORST THINGABOUT GEORGE BUSH--

THE WORST THING IS--GEORGE W. BUSH--

IS NOBODY,NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS.

WE DON'T KNOW HIM.

WE HAVE SPENT MORE TIMEWITH OUR HAIRSTYLIST

THAN WE HAVE HIM.

NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE ISIN THIS COUNTRY, OKAY?

38% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLETHINK THAT GEORGE W. BUSH

IS HIS FATHER.

AND 50% THINK THEY'RE TWINS.

AND 12%

OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLENEVER WILL GET THAT JOKE.

[laughter]

AND WE KNOW AL GORE,WHICH MAY BE WORSE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AL GORE--IT WAS TOUGH ENOUGHWITH THE DULL AL GORE,

WHERE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTANDWHAT HE WAS SAYING

OR WHY HE WAS TALKING.

NOW YOU'VE GOTTHE NEW, EXCITABLE AL GORE,

WHICH MAY BE EVEN WORSE.

HIS ARMS MOVE IN DIRECTIONSFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

AND HE ACCENTS WORDS--THE WRONG WORDS,

LIKE THE AND AND AND BUT.

[laughter and applause]

EVERY TIME HE TALKS--EVERY TIME HE TALKS,

IF YOU WATCH HIM,

ABOUT EVERY 30 SECONDS, IT LOOKSLIKE HE'S GETTING AN ENEMA.

AND I DON'T THINK AL GORE

SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES,

BECAUSE ONE--IN HIS MOST--

IN HIS MOST IMPORTANT CHOICEAS A HUMAN BEING,

WHO DID HE PICK TO MARRY?

A WOMAN NAMED "TIPPER."

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'VE BEEN AROUNDQUITE SOME TIME,

AND I'VE MET A LOT OF PEOPLE,

AND I'VE NEVER META WOMAN NAMED TIPPER, OKAY?

I CALLED MY FRIENDS, AND THEY CALLED THEIR FRIENDS,

AND THEY CALLED THEIR FRIENDS,

AND NONE OF THEM HAVE META WOMAN NAMED TIPPER.

[laughter]

THAT IS NOTA PROPER WOMAN'S NAME.

HOW DRUNKWOULD YOU HAVE TO BE

TO ACTUALLY CROSS

AN EXPENSIVE COUNTRY CLUBDANCE FLOOR IN TENNESSEE

AND LOOK A WOMAN IN THE EYEAND SAY,

[slurring]"CAN I HAVE THIS DANCE, TIPPER?"

[laughter]

I JUST DON'T THINK THAT PEOPLE--CERTAIN PEOPLE--

SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO RUNFOR THE PRESIDENCY,

STARTING WITH THOSE TWO,

AND THEN I WOULD PUT ON MY LISTDAN QUAYLE.

NOW, I'M THRILLEDTHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

STOPPED HIM REALLY FROM RUNNINGTHIS TIME, BUT--

YOU KNOW, AND AS A CITIZEN,I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

BUT AS A COMIC,I WEEP.

[laughter]

HE WAS THE BEST.HE WAS THE BEST.

STUFF WOULDCOME OUT OF HIS MOUTH;

HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT HE WAS SAYING.

WHEN HE WAS PICKED--

WHEN HE WAS PICKEDTO BE THE VICE PRESIDENT--

HE'S JUST BEEN CHOSEN;

THE SECOND SENTENCEOUT OF HIS MOUTH

IN HIS FIRST SPEECHAS THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE

OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY,HE SAID,

"WE MUST LOOK FORWARDTO THE FUTURE

OR PAST...TO THE BACK."

HOW WOULD YOUDIAGRAM THAT SENTENCE?

TAKE A PENCIL OUT,SHARPEN IT,

AND SHOVE ITRIGHT IN YOUR TEMPLE.

[laughter and applause]

HE SHOULD NOT--HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ALLOWED

TO RUNFOR THE PRESIDENCY AT ALL.

WHY? 'CAUSE HE COULDN'TSPELL THE WORD POTATO.

I BELIEVE THAT SHOULD BEIN THE CONSTITUTION NOW,

BECAUSE I THINK WE CAN EXPECT

THAT THE PERSONWHO'S THE PRESIDENT

COULD SPELL THAT WORD,

BECAUSE IT'S THE SIMPLEST WORDTO SPELL.

PO-TA-TO.

WHEN YOU'VE SAID IT,YOU'VE SPELT IT, JACKASS.

[laughter]

ALL YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER IS,

YOU DON'T PUT AN E ON THE END.

THAT'S REALLY TOUGH.

HE WAS ACTUALLY--HE SAW IT SPELLED CORRECTLY.

A CHILD IN NEW JERSEYHAD PUT IT ON THE BLACKBOARD,

CORRECTLY SPELLED,

AND HE TOLD THE KIDTO PUT AN E ON THE END,

WHICH MEANS DANIS DOUBLE STUPID.

AND AS SOON AS HE DID THAT,

THE SECRET SERVICESHOULD HAVE RUSHED IN,

THROWN HIM TO THE GROUND,AND JUST SAID,

"THE VICE PRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT.HE'S BEEN SHOT."

YOU WOULD THINK

THAT THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,

THAT THE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRYWOULD REALLY WANT A THIRD PARTY.

THE REPUBLICANSCOULD HAVE WON THIS TIME,

COULD HAVE WON IN A WALK,

BUT FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS,

THEY AND THE DEMOCRATS HAVE JUSTKIND OF NOT HAD ANY CONCEPT

OF WHAT WE'RE THINKINGOR DOING.

BUT WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED--

THE REPUBLICANS SHOULD HAVE HADNO PROBLEM.

WHEN BILL CLINTONGOT INTO HIS MESS,

PRETTY MUCH EVERY AMERICANWANTED BILL CLINTON PUNISHED.

THEY DIDN'T WANT HIM IMPEACHED,

BUT THEY WANTED SOMETHINGLIKE A SPANKING OR SOMETHING.

SO THEY TURNED--

THEY TURNED TO THE REPUBLICANSAND SAID,

"COME ON, GET HIM.GET HIM."

AND THE REPUBLICANSTOOK OUT THEIR GUNS,

GOT HIM IN THEIR SIGHTS,TURNED THE GUNS AROUND,

AND WENT BAM!

[applause]

SO YOU'D THINKWE'D HAVE A THIRD PARTY.

YOU'D THINK,

WITH THE INTELLIGENCEIN THIS COUNTRY,

AND THE UTTER DISGUST OF WHATPEOPLE ARE FEELING ABOUT THINGS,

THAT WE WOULD COME UPWITH A THIRD PARTY--

AND WE CAME UP WITH ONE,ONE STARTED BY H. ROSS PEROT,

WHO'S A REALLY GOOD LEADER

IF YOU'RE LOOKINGFOR BATS IN A BELFRY.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THE AMERICANPEOPLE LISTEN TO H. ROSS PEROT.

YOU DON'T LISTEN TO A GUY

WHO LOOKS LIKE THE KIDIN DELIVERANCE ALL GROWED-UP.

[laughter]

JESSE VENTURA--OH, DON'T THINKHE WON'T THINK OF IT.

JESSE VENTURA IS BASICALLY PROOFTHAT THE PEOPLE OF MINNESOTA

ARE NOT SOCIAL DRINKERS.

THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY ALCOHOLICS.

JESSE VENTURA PROVESWHAT'S GREAT ABOUT DEMOCRACY IS

ANYONE CAN BE ELECTEDTO ANY OFFICE.

JESSE VENTURA PROVESWHAT STINKS ABOUT DEMOCRACY:

ANYONE CAN BE ELECTEDTO ANY OFFICE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG;I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I THINK, YOU KNOW, HE SHOULDHAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY, OKAY?

BUT...HE WAS A WRESTLER!

AND BEFORE YOU'RE THE GOVERNOR,

I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE TO DOSOMETHING IN BETWEEN,

LIKE REFEREE.

AND I NEVER THOUGHT

THAT BILL CLINTONSHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT.

WHEN HE WAS RUNNING

TO BE THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES,

HE SAID, ON OVER 100 OCCASIONS--HE SAID THE FOLLOWING.

HE SAID,

[with Southern accent]"ONE OFTHE GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS

"WHILE I WASTHE GOVERNOR OF ARKANSAS

"WAS TO TAKE MY STATE,IN EDUCATION,

FROM 50th TO 49th."

AND I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW, BILL,YOU SHOULD KEEP THAT A SECRET."

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BADA SCHOOL SYSTEM'S GOT TO BE

TO BE 50th?

ALABAMA WAS 47th.

AND THIS WAS THREE YEARS AGO,

AND THE PEOPLE OF ALABAMAWERE SO UPSET ABOUT THE FACT

THAT THEIR SCHOOL SYSTEMWAS TERRIBLE

THAT THE PEOPLE OF ALABAMASUED THE STATE,

WHICH MEANS THE PEOPLEOF ALABAMA SUED THEMSELVES.

THEY SAID,"I'M TAKING YOUR ASS TO COURT,

"AND I'M GONNA SQUEEZEYOUR NUTS, BUBBA.

YOU'LL NEVER HAVEA PROPER DENTAL PLAN AGAIN."

IF THAT'S WHAT EDUCATION IS,AND THAT'S 47th,

WHAT IS EDUCATION IF IT'S 50th?

WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLYBE TEACHING?

I THINK WHAT THEY DO IS,

THEY TAKE THE KIDS TO SCHOOLIN ARKANSAS,

THEY FEED THEM COCOA PUFFSFOR THREE HOURS,

THEN THEY OPEN THE DOORTO THE SCHOOL

AND THEY LET THE KIDS RUNAND RUN AND RUN,

AND WHOEVER HITS THE MOST TREESGETS AN A.

[laughter and applause]

"OH, LOOK,JOHNNY POKED HIS EYE OUT.

HONOR ROLL."

HOW DO YOU

TAKE A SCHOOL SYSTEMFROM 50th TO 49th?

WHAT'S THE MIRACLE?

[laughter]

PENCILS?

"NO, JOHNNY,

"YOU WON'T HAVE TO WRITEIN THE DIRT WITH THAT STICK.

IF YOU COME BACK TO SCHOOL,WE'VE FOUND PAPER."

REALLY WANTED BILL CLINTONPUNISHED ON SOME LEVEL,

AND I THINKTHAT SINCE WE WEREN'T--

AND DIDN'T GET TO PUNISH HIM,

THAT WE SHOULD PUNISH THE STATETHAT GAVE US HIM.

I BELIEVETHAT THE STATE OF ARKANSAS

SHOULD HAVE NO ONE ELECTEDPRESIDENT FOR 100 YEARS.

IF BILL CLINTON IS NOTSUFFICIENT PROOF OF THIS,

I HAVE THIS.

THIS IS AN ARTICLE FROMTHE ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE.

I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND OUTTHAT ARKANSAS HAD A NEWSPAPER.

SINCE THEY DIDN'T KNOWTHAT ORAL SEX WAS ADULTERY,

I THOUGHT MAYBE THEY WEREGETTING THEIR NEWS

WHILE SITTINGAROUND THE CRACKER BARREL.

"TWO LOCAL MEN WERE SERIOUSLYINJURED WHEN THEIR PICKUP TRUCK

LEFT THE ROAD AND HIT A TREENEAR COTTON PLANT."

THAT'S THE NAME OF A TOWNIN ARKANSAS: COTTON PLANT.

"THURSTON POOLE, 33,OF DES ARC,

AND BILLY RAY WALLIS, 38,OF"--WELL, IMAGINE THAT.

A BILLY RAY WAS INVOLVED.

[laughter]

"THEY'RE LISTED

"IN SERIOUS CONDITIONAT THE BAPTIST MEDICAL CENTER.

"THE ACCIDENT OCCURREDAS THE TWO MEN WERE RETURNING

TO DES ARCAFTER A FROG GIGGING TRIP."

FROG GIGGING,OR FROG STICKING,

IS HOW,ARMED WITH A SMALL PITCHFORK,

YOU CATCH FROGSFROM THE BAYOU BANK.

FROG LEGS MAKE A TASTY SUPPER.

"ON AN OVERCAST SUNDAY NIGHT,

"POOLE'S PICKUP TRUCK'SHEADLIGHTS MALFUNCTIONED.

"THE TWO MEN CONCLUDEDTHAT THE HEADLIGHT FUSE

"ON THE OLDER-MODEL TRUCKHAD BURNT OUT,

"AND AS A REPLACEMENT FUSEWAS NOT AVAILABLE,

WALLIS NOTICED THE .22-CALIBERBULLET FROM HIS PISTOL"--

WHICH I GUESSHE WAS CARRYING

'CAUSE, IN CASEYOU CAN'T STICK THE FROG,

YOU LIKE TO BLOW HIS HEAD OFF--

"HE NOTICED THAT IT FITPERFECTLY INTO THE FUSE BOX,

NEXT TO THE STEERING WHEELCOLUMN."

APPARENTLY, SOME OF YOU CANSENSE WHAT'S GOING TO UNFOLD.

"UPON INSERTING THE BULLET,

"THE HEADLIGHTSAGAIN BEGAN TO OPERATE,

"AND THE TWO MENPROCEEDED EASTWARD

"TOWARD THE WHITE RIVER BRIDGE.

"AFTER 20 MILES, AND JUST BEFORECROSSING THE RIVER,

"THE BULLETAPPARENTLY OVERHEATED...

[laughter and applause]

"...DISCHARGED, AND STRUCK POOLEIN THE RIGHT TESTICLE.

[audience groaning and laughing]

"THE VEHICLE SWERVEDSHARPLY TO THE RIGHT,"

AS WOULD BE EXPECTED,

"EXITING THE PAVEMENTAND STRIKING A TREE.

"POOLE SUFFERED ONLY MINOR CUTSAND ABRASIONS FROM THE ACCIDENT

"BUT WILL REQUIRE SURGERYTO REPAIR THE OTHER WOUND.

"WALLIS SUSTAINEDA BROKEN CLAVICLE,

"WAS TREATED AND RELEASED.

"THANK GOD WE WEREN'T ON THE BRIDGE

"WHEN THURSTON SHOT HIS NUTS OFF,

"OR WE MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEAD,

[applause]

"SAID WALLIS.

"I'VE BEEN A TROOPER FOR TEN YEARS

"IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD,

"SAID DEPUTY SNYDER, BUT THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE TWO BOYS

"WOULD ADMIT HOW THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED.

"UPON BEING NOTIFIEDOF THE WRECK,

"LAVINIA, POOLE'S WIFE,

"ASKED HOW MANY FROGSTHE BOYS HAD CAUGHT

AND DID ANYONE THINKTO GET 'EM FROM THE TRUCK?"

[laughter]

IN MY LIFETIME,

I WENT FROM AN EISENHOWERTO A GEORGE W. BUSH;

I WENT FROM A JOHN KENNEDYTO AN ALBERT GORE.

NOW, IF THAT IS EVOLUTION,THEN I BELIEVE,

IN ABOUT 12 YEARS, WE'REGOING TO BE VOTING FOR PLANTS.

I HAVE ONE I'M GONNA RUN:

PRESIDENT PHIL O'DENDRON,THE IRISH PLANT.

HE DOESN'T NEED MUCH LIGHT;HE DOESN'T NEED MUCH WATER.

AND THAT'S A PLATFORMI BELIEVE IN.

THANK YOU.IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

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