I may have been the onlyhill in Kansas. ba-dum!
You can't leave Kansas withouta dog in tow, it's a state law.
And I was so anxious to get outof Kansas, just like Dorothy.
It's such an unfunny state.
I mean, it's square.
It's nothing happening there.
I was always saying my granddad,I gotta get out of Kansas,
I've got to travel.
I want to see amountain, something.
He's like, what do you wantto see a mountain for, honey,
it just block your view.
My mom's a much happierwoman these days
now that she's finallygotten me married off.
I have to admit I'm happier too.
Just, even if it's justbecause I'm not dating anymore.
If I-- I was goingto scream if I had
to hear my own lifestory one more time.
All started in alittle town in Kansas.
You know, it's justso insane, you know.
Because C, the Cword, commitment.
Ooh, you know, because you'vesurvived the early stages
of the relationship and it'sgotten to that point where it's
like, gee, we reallylike each other.
I mean, do you wantthe relationship
to progress atthe level it's at?
Are we working towards adeeper, stronger, commitment?
Is it just physical?
Or should we justmake an appointment
to talk about it again later?
I've got myLife-at-a-Glance right here.
What are theseDay Running things
everyone has to have now?
They look like thetablets Moses brought
down from themount or something.
It's like, Marsha, couldwe have lunch on Thursday?
Let me just check the planner.
[flipping pages sound]
That's just goals and desires.
[flipping pages sound]
You know, love is a scary thing.
Because it doesn'talways work out.
And it's a terrible thingwhen the relationship
goes into the danger zone.
You know, there's nothingworse than that feeling
of imminent dumpage.
There's usually thetime in the relationship
when the couple gets thebright idea, I know honey,
we'll go away for theweekend, just the two of us,
work it all out.
There's a great idea.
Let's put two hostilepeople in a four
by four cabin in themiddle of nowhere.
They do episodes of "Murder SheWrote" with that kind of plot.
Now The New York Timesrecently did a study
about the differencesbetween men and women.
And they found out thatthey really are different.
Thanks for spending thousandsof dollars on that, guys.
But it boils down to this:we think differently.
You know, women, welike to be romanced.
We like to be winedand dined, maybe
there's a single roseand some dancing.
And then we feel close enoughto you to have sex with you.
Men, on the other hand,like to have sex with you,
then they feel closeenough to talk to you.
Like, well, that'sout of the way.
How about those Yankees?
Men are very straightforward.
Women are alwaysinterpreting everything.
We're very intuitive.
And this is a bigproblem in the bedroom
because the guy's going,oh yeah, baby, [moaning]
And the woman's going,this means he loves me.
This means he wantsto buy me a house.
But all it reallymeans is oh yeah baby.
I tell you, I sometimes wishthat love could be as simple
as it was when wewere in grade school,
you know, so much easier then.
You just write the note,wrap it around the pen, fling
it at your intended, they pickit up, read it: I like you.
Do you like me?
And if all else fails, you know,you can spend all your nights
alone, watchingthe movie channel.
Fall asleep on the remotecontrol and everything
just starts to run together.
You know, it's like, Mmm whydon't you come up and see me
sometime, tall,dark, and handsome.
Madam, you're drunk!
What if I am!I'll have another!
Make it a double.
It's taken me ayear to grow them.
Fix Eve a milkshake.
The calla lilliesare in bloom again.
You're hurting me.
I'm going to do a lot morethan hurt you, sister.
You gotta follow that dream,wherever that dream may lead.
Lions and tigers and bears!
Yonder lies thecastle of my father!
I coulda been somebody, Charlie!
Put the blame on me, boy.
Put the blame on me.
I could have been a contender!
Oh, no, you were myknight in shining armor.
It was the picturesthat got small.
If I wasn't in this wheelchair.
If I-- But you are, Blanche!
But you are!
Thank you very much!
I first of all want to apologizefor bringing a drink on stage.
Um, I'm not feeling well.
Hey, I didn't say that for pity.
It's not your problem.
Whether I feelgood or I feel bad
has no bearing on thematter because Johnny
Dark is in fact a professional.
There's no way in hell I wouldever cheat this audience out
of a full, dynamicperformance this evening.
May I just say inclosing, I'm outta here.
I'm not feeling well,I've got a little touch,
like you, of you know, leprosy.
And come on.
This stuff hangs on andhangs on and hang on.
Then it falls off.
No big deal.
Can I use that?
I'll just set it down there.
Thank you, very much.
Let's take a look at this crowd.
Good to see you.
I'm all right.
I was scared just for a second.
I've totally recovered.
Scared for a second,I've recovered already.
Happened in the doctor'soffice the other day.
I walked into the doctor'soffice, he grabbed me.
He said "cough" I screamed,now we both need surgery.
It's not easy to get up here.
You're nervous.There's smoke in the audience.
You people are talking to me.
And I look thereand I see somebody
I know and it frightened me.
It scared me.
She spooked me.
That's the problem.
And the unique thingto this whole story
is you're not myfriend, are you?
Before we come out here,they have a TV for us.
And I just turned it onbecause I get nervous.
And you know who'son PBS right now?
You know the opera guy wholooks like Dom Deluise?
You know who I'm talking about?
What's his last name?
You know.AUDIENCE MEMBER: Pavarotti.
-And he's great.
Am I not wrong?
This man is great.
So why was I scared?
I was watching him a closeup and I was frightened.
You ever see a close upgoing, [sings loud note]
I thought his headwas going to explode.
Every vein in thisman's head was full.
[sings note] And forno reason whatsoever,
the man goes for ahigher note than that.
[sings higher note] Youcould see the man's tonsils.
My kids keep me hip.
Because we have MTV.
That's how I knowthe new groups.
The heavy guys.
I know the heavy metal dudes.
Guns and Ammo.
New Kids Down the Street,I know those guys.
First time I ever sawBoy George was on MTV
and I thought to myself, nowthere is a-- I don't know.
What the hell is that?
Let's be honest,Boy George makes
Michael Jackson looklike the Marlboro Man.
Had a great flight back.
Although I did embarrass thewoman next to me on the plane.
I didn't mean to embarrass her.
It was one of those flightsyou sleep on and well,
I sleep in the nude.
Screwed up her crossword puzzle.
I came home because itwas my son's birthday.
I had to get home.
I'd never seen a kidthat hyped over birthday.
Birthday coming!My birthday coming.
My birthday coming.
My birthday, Daddy,my birthday coming.
This kid's 22 years old.
No, my son is 13,but I am getting old.
I've got all thesigns of getting old.
I do, in fact, like opera.
I've got gray hair.
But the worst sign ofgetting old, so help me God,
is when you carryaround one of these.
Focus in, take a look,check your pants.
You know you got one.
It's the littlered change purse.
Not easy to be young and machoand pull out one of these.
And how much you say that was?
I believe I have that$0.13 right in here.
And you can hear peoplewith change purses.
You know why you hear them?
They hum! [hums]
There's only one thingworse than carrying
around one of these.
Carrying around one of these.
If you have one of these, youprobably have a pacemaker.
Now there's a ruleto a pocketbook.
Whenever you open the pocketbookup and you go in for the money,
you must always shake your head.
That's straight, OK.
But I don't know.
It's funny, though.
My dad-- I'm a juniorso had take my father's
a police officerin Philadelphia.
You know how the policeare in Philadelphia.
Freeze, I want to talk to you.
My dad used to use hispolice psychology on us.
We would be outside playing,my father would come home
from work and say things tome like, Lewis come here.
Said, yeah, dad.
I thought I toldyou to mow the lawn.
Real quick, well,father, I forgot.
Dad looked at me, now whatif I forget to go to work
I'd say, well, you can mowthe lawn, what's the problem?
So after I got outof the hospital.
I don't know.
You had to vote in my house.
And I hope everyone voted.Because it's a must.
And I'm going to tell you, thereason I didn't vote for Bush
a couple years ago is becausethe man was in the White House
for eight years and he didn'tknow when Pearl Harbor was hit.
He's talking to agroup of people.
And I know you guysremember when it happened.
It was tragic.
Everybody looking attheir momma, that's
when we go backto school, right?
I know that's whenmy class start.
But see, you guys, now Iappreciated Reagan, though,
Reagan was cool.
Because when Reagan got introuble, what was his excuse?
And I'm saying,well Nixon must have
been sitting homepretty pissed off.
You mean all we had tosay was we forgot, dammit,
and we would havegot away with it?
All we got was a library?
But you've got to check out.
The Republicans are smart, man.
Check it out.
See Reagan, heforgets everything.
Bush, he can't remember.
So you know Quayle's gonna endup longest because he doesn't
know anything toforget or remember.
And the only thing aboutthese guys that piss me off,
about these guys is the fact,that hey, two years go by,
they write their memoirs.
But while they're on trial, theycan't remember a damn thing.
You know, I don't know.
What do you do?
And then I'm pissed off, I readthat we have a $3.6 trillion
And our budget is $240 billion.
And this woman is botheringme about my student loans.
You take care of yours.
I'll take care ofmine, all right?
Statistics I like to talkabout because it's important.
Every 18 secondsthey say a woman
is brutally beaten by her mate.
Men, if you'rebeing a woman, you--
you don't need tobe with her, OK?
It's a tragedy.
We don't need that, OK?
We need our women, all right.
Women-- let me tell yousomething, OK thank you.
And on a serious tip, women,you can weed out the bad men.
Hey, have morerespect for yourself.
Anywhere you go, carryan English manual.
I'm telling you, soon asthe guy comes up you, Hey!
Here, read paragraph one.
Tell me what it's saying.
Underline the verbonce, the subject twice.
I'm gonna go dance,I'll be right back.
I bet he'll be-- I'll bethe'll leave you alone.
He'll say, yo man what's wrong?
She wanted me to read, man.
A whole paragraph.
I really liked-ed her.
But on the serioustip, women, too, you
have to give us men a chancethat can speak English.
Give us a chance.
Because see, simple fact.
Now, ladies I'm telling you.
It's your hair and your shoes.
That's what-- some ofyou ladies look good.
You look great.
But ladies, there'snothing worse
than worse thatseeing you dressed up,
nice hat, nicehair, nice outfit.
And them pumps, thelittle silver part
is showing on the part.
It's only $1.50 each, OK?
Put the heels on that.
Nothing worse that seeinga girl come out, let's go!
And God forbid she go near asidewalk, she getting sparks.
I saw a guy, other day, needa light on his cigarette.
Follow the girl forabout two blocks.
Wait, wait, wait wait, wait!
have to wake up tomorrowmorning and say, these words,
I feel for you: Hi.
Welcome to McDonald's,may I take your order?
All right.Now, you know who you are.
All right.You didn't graduate.
You know what you're saying.
Hi, welcome to Jack in the Box,wanna try our new fajita pitas?
I used to work at McDonald's.
I worked in asuburban McDonald's.
I don't know aboutthe suburban--
these people get on my nerves.
You go in there, you onlygot 20 minutes for lunch
and they just take too long.You go in, it's like,
Welcome to McDonald's.
May we take your order?
I mean, like, you do thattoo good for $3.35 an hour.
Give me a Big Mac, largefry, and a large coke.
Would you carefor hot apple pie?
Did I ask for hot apple pie?
Just give me what I askedfor dammit, I'm in a rush.
I'm sorry.I'm sorry.
That'll be $4.35.
A dime's $0.45,a nickel's $0.50,
and two quarters make $5.00.
Come back again, please!
No, you took too long.
But you go in someneighborhoods, I like that.
Just like, yo yo, I'mhere man, what's up?
Where am I at today?
I'm-- I'm notworking fries, man!
I'm not working fries, man!
Every week you put me on fries!
That's how I burned myJheri curl last time.
I'm not working fries.
Let me tell you something man,if I'm not on the register,
how can I make money?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Youever work at McDonald's?
-Yes I have, thank you.
And you see what I'm doing now.
It's just a step above.
But on a serioustip, guys, really.