Week of 1/28/2013 - Gottfried, Miller, Tyler

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 01/29/2013

Gilbert Gottfried, T.J. Miller and Aisha Tyler take shots at the Super Bowl and women in combat; Jeff takes up arms with teachers at a gun range.

BURNING, JEFF ROSS!

>> HOW YOU DOING?

THIS SUNDAY IS THE MOST

IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR FOR

AMERICANS.

IT'S THE SUPER BOWL.

IT'S LIKE EVERY AMERICAN HOLIDAY

COMBINED.

WE EAT LIKE IT'S THANKSGIVING,

WE DRINK LIKE IT'S NEW YEAR'S,

AND WE OVERLY GLORIFY BLACK

PEOPLE LIKE IT'S MLK DAY.

I CAN'T WAIT.

SUPER BOWL XLVII IS IN THE BIG

EASY THIS YEAR.

NOT DEMI MOORE'S BLEED.

SOMEPLACE WAY [BLEEP], NEW

ORLEANS.

YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE SUPERDOME

FOR LESS THAN $1,000.

WHICH IS ASTOUNDING.

BECAUSE JUST A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

YOU COULD FLOAT IT OUT A CAR

DOOR.

>> ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY I'M

HAVING MY OWN PRIVATE PARTY.

I'M GOING TO SIT ON THE COUCH,

EAT SOME CHICKEN WINGS, TAKE A

BONG HIT, AND JERK OFF TO BEION

SAY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DEJA VU.

I KNOW.

THAT WAS LAST WEEK FOR THE

INAUGURATION.

DID YOU WATCH HER?

PEOPLE ARE SAYING SHE LIP SINKED

WHEN SHE SANG THE NATIONAL

ANTHEM.

I WATCHED HER LIPS.

THEY DIDN'T MOVE ONCE.

BION BEYONCE, I LOVE YOU.

DURING THE SUPER BOWL, OVER

15,000 TONS OF CHIPS AND 8

MILLION POUNDS OF GUACAMOLEY

WILL BE SCARFED DOWN, AND THAT'S

JUST IN JOHN MADDEN'S SHAME

CLOSET.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE PUT THE TAITER IN

COMMENTATOR.

I'M DROOLING JUST THINKING ABOUT

HIM

YEAH, FEELS GOOD.

EVER SINCE THE GOLDEN GLOBES, WE

ALL KNOW WHAT TEAM JODIE FOSTER

IS PLAYING FOR.

BUT NOW THERE ARE LOTS OF RUMORS

THAT MEL BEGINSON IS THE

BIOLOGICAL FATHER OF HER TWO

SONS.

I'M GUESSING MEL DONATED HIS

SPERM RIGHT AFTER HE WHACKED OFF

IN THE MEN'S ROOM AT THE

HOLOCAUST MUSEUM.

THE KIDS SUSPECTED UNCLE MEL WAS

THEIR DAD WHEN THEY GOT A BLOOD

TEST AND IT REGISTERED A .2.

THE NRA JUST RELEASED A PHONE

APP CALLED PRACTICE RANGE, WHICH

TEACHES PEOPLE TO SHOOT.

WITHIN HOURS OF RELEASE, THERE

WERE HUNDREDS OF COMMENTS IN THE

L1IL0TUNES STORE.

MOST OF THEM POSITIVE.

THE NRA RATED IT SUITABLE FOR

AGES 4 AND UP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD

DAYS WHEN VIDEO GAMES WITH JUST

ABOUT THROWING BARRELS AT

ITALIANS.

EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT GUNS.

STEVIE WONDER TOLD CNN IT'S TOO

EASY TO OWN A GUN IN AMERICA.

AND TO PROVE IT, HE'S GOING TO

GO OUT AND BUY ONE.

>> I WAS TALKING TO ONE OF MY

FRIENDS.

I SAID, YOU SHOULD GO GET ME A

GUN OR ME GO WITH YOU TO GET A

GUN, AND SHOW HOW EASY IT IS FOR

ME TO GET A GUN.

AND THEN IMAGINE THE GUNS.

>> I IMAGINE STEVIE WANTS TO GET

THE GUN TO PROTECT ALL THE

THINGS HE THINKS HE OWNS.

HE SHOULD SHOOT GUITE WHO PICKS

OUT HIS CLOTHES.

STEVIE ALSO SIGNED UP FOR THE

NRA.

THREE DAYS LATER, COLOMBIA HOUSE

SENT HIM 15 C.D.S.

EVERYONE IN THE STORE WAS

CONFUSED WHEN STEVIE TOLD THEM

HE WANTED TO BUY A GUN BECAUSE

HE WAS STANDING IN THE

THINK ABOUT THIS.

WATCH.

>> HI.

>> YOU GUYS HAVEN'T BEEN

APPRECIATED A LOT LATELY SO I

BROUGHT SOME APPLES.

>> YOU SHOULD EAT MORE FRUIT,

SIR.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF THE

NRAS SUGGESTION THAT THEY ARM

TEACHERS IN SCHOOL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> SERIOUSLY?

>> YEAH.

>> IT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> IS IT WISE OF THEM TO ARM

DISGRUNTLED TEACHERS?

>> MOST PEOPLE THINK TEACHERS

SHOULD NOT HAVE GUNS.

THERE'S ONLY WUNL WAY TO FIND

OUT IF THIS IS REALLY A TERRIBLE

IDEA.

LET'S TRY IT.

>> THAT'S A 45, WHICH IS HOW

MANY STUDENTS YOU SLEPT WITH

LAST SEMESTER.

>> RELOAD FASTER.

COUGARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

QUICK.

>> THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO

BE SLOW.

>> WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU

SHOT A GUN?

>> WHEN I WAS ABOUT 16.

>> I'M SERE I DON'T HAVE A MUSS

KET, BUT.

WHEW!

NOW YOU CAN SHOOT THE LADY WHO

CUT YOUR HAIR.

>> YOU GOT SIX ON THE TARGET AND

THREE ON MY CAMERAMAN.

WOW.

ARE YOU A BLOOD OR A CRIP?

>> I'M A CRISTIAN WOMAN.

BUT SOMEONE COMES AFTER MY KIDS,

I'D KILL THEM.

>> YOU WOULD KILL THEM?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> AND LOOK AT THAT, YOU

PROBABLY WOULD.

>> WANT TO DO A DRIVE BY ON THE

WAY HOME, WE'LL MAKE SOME MONEY?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> SLOW DOWN!

IT'S NOT LIKE TEACHING.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS DRUNK.

LOOK AT THAT, SIX BULLSEYES.

STILL FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T

HAVE A GUN IN SCHOOL?

>> NOW YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.

I THINK TEACHERS SHOULD HAVE

GUNS.

>> WOW, SECURITY, ESCORT THIS

GUY OUT OF HERE.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

TEACHING?

>> 1 YEARS.

>> 11 YEARS.

DID YOU EVER THINK IT WOULD COME

TO THIS?

>> NO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU READY?

>> ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

WHEW!

>> CRAZY.

DON'T TURN THAT THING.

NO MORE.

>> HOW DO YOU ALL FEEL?

>> WON KERFUL.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE THINK

TEACHERS SHOULD HAVE GUNS?

>> IT WAS FUN THOUGH, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, DEFINITELY.

>> WELL, YOU ALL GET AN A FOR

EFFORT.

PUT YOUR HEAD PHONES BACK ON FOR

A SECOND.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?

THESE TEACHERS ARE PSYCHO.

ESPECIALLY THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

GREAT JOB.

>> THANK YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR OUR

TEACHERS.

TAKE A BOW, LADIES.

TAKE A BOW.

>> COMING UP, THESE ROASTERS HIT

THE STAGE.

LOOK HOW TALL GILBERT

>> WHEW!

>> I'M SO EXCITED.

SAY HI TO THIS WEEK'S ROASTER.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, AND TWO GUYS

YOU CAN FIND OUTSIDE HER BEDROOM

WINDOW, IT'S GILBERT GOTTFRIED.

SAY HI TO TJ MILLER!

GIVE IT UP FOR MY FRIEND IEASIA

TYLER.

GREAT TO SEE YOU ALL.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.

>> THANK YOU FOR COMING ON THE

SHOW.

IT'S EXCITING TO BE HERE.

I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN SO BUSY.

YOUR LIFE IS BLOWING UP, SHOW IS

DOING GREAT.

ONLY TIME I GET TO SEE IS YOU IS

WHEN A DRAW A MUSTACHE ON A

PICTURE OF CHAZZ BONE OWE.

>> WOW, WINGING IT, I LOVE IT.

COMING FROM A LADY WHO --

>> SAY IT.

I LOOK LIKE A [BLEEP]

IT'S OKAY.

I UNDERSTAND.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE THE BLACK TOMB

RAIDER.

OH, OH.

GILBERT, OPEN YOUR EYES.

IT'S AN AUDIENCE.

NOT A MIRROR.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE

IN SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION?

YOU LOOK GOOD, TJ.

WAS IT COURT OR A FUNERAL?

WHERE WERE YOU?

>> IT WAS A FUNERAL.

AGAIN, WE'RE PLAI PRAYING FOR

THE DEATH OF THIS

THE DEATH OF THIS SHOW.

>> OH MY GOD.

WHAT'S OUR FIRST STORY?

>> SECRETARY OF DEFENSE HAS

LIFTED THE BAN ON WOMEN IN

COMBAT, SAYING THAT LADIES CAN

FIND ON OUR FRONT LINE.

>> FANTASTICNESS.

>> I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I'VE ALWAYS FELT WE'VE BEEN

WINNING TOO MANY WARS.

>> JEFF, JEFF.

NICE, GILBERT.

>> JEFF, HOW OFTEN ARE THESE

WOMEN GOING TO BLEED FOR OUR

COUNTRY?

THEY ALREADY DO IT ONCE A MONTH.

>> I WANT TO KNOW WHAT FUTURE

WAR MOVIES WILL BE LIKE WITH

WOMEN?

WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO BE

CALLED?

RED VAG OF COURAGE?

OR ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN

[BLEEP]

APOCALYPSE, I'M NOT READY YET.

>> BORN ON THE 4th OF JULY?

OH, YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER IT WAS

THE 4th OF JULY.

YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER MY

ANNIVERSARY.

YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.

>> THE NICE THING IS WOMEN ARE

ALL TOGETHER, WE MENSTRUATE AT

THE SAME TIME.

SO WHEN PMS KICKS IN, IT'S GOING

TO BE WEAPONS OF MASS MOTHER

[BLEEP]

>> GILBERT, YOU KNOW HOW HARD

WOMEN CAN FIGHT WHEN YOU'RE

TRYING TO STUFF THEM IN THE

TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

>> GILBERT, TELL YOUR JAMAICAN

NURSE TO BE POLITE.

SO I MENTIONED THE SUPER BOWL

BEFORE

DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY PREDICTIONS

FOR THE BIG GAME?

>> I'M GOING TO BET ON THE BLACK

GUY

YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WHEN YOU BET

ON THE BLACK GUY

BUT MY THEORY IS THAT SAN

FRANCISCO HAS A LOT OF QUEERS

BALTIMORE HAS A LOT OF

EX-CONVICTS

BOTH ARE VERY COMFORTABLE WITH

[BLEEP]

>> WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO

WITH THE SUPER BOWL, GILBERT?

>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN MEAN?

>> GILBERT'S SO CHEAP, HIS

FAVORITE PART OF THE GAME IS THE

COIN TOSS

>> TJ, YOU MUST BE WATCHING THE

BIG GAME, NO?

>> NO, I WATCH THE PUPPY BOWL

DID YOU WATCH THAT?

IT'S ON ANIMAL PLANET, AND ONLY

THAT GUY WATCHES IT

>> DID YOU SEE THE PUPPY BOWL,

IEASIA?

>> NO, BECAUSE I'M A GROWN

ADULT, AND I LIKE TO SEE REAL

SPORTS

>> YOU'RE AN OVERGROWN ADULT

>> FAVORITE PART OF IEASIA'S

SUPER BOWL PARTY IS WHEN THE

PAPA JOHN'S GUY SHOWS UP BECAUSE

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS SHE'LL GET TO

HAVING A DAD.

>> IT'S ADORABLE.

I AM THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN IN

AMERICA WHO HAS A LIVING FATHER

WHO WAS AROUND THE WHOLE TIME,

SO GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

>> ALL RIGHT?

>> THIS IS THE ONLY SHOW WHERE

YOU'LL GET HIGH FIVED FOR BEING

A BLACK WOMAN WITH A FATHER.

>> YES, EXAM.

>> IT'S LIKE WAY TO GO.

>> BUT FOR MY PEOPLE, IT'S THE

LITTLE VICTORIES, MY FRIEND.

>> IEASIA HAS GREAT PARTIES.

SHE'S FROM A FAMILY OF GOURMETS.

HER GRANDPARENTS WERE CANNIBALS.

>> WHAT?

I CAN'T BE OFFENDED BUT I'M TOO

CONFUSED.

>> IF IEASIA --

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOSH.

>> IF IEASIA WANTS TO WATCH A

BUNCH OF BLACK PEOPLE GIVING

EACH OTHER CONCUSSIONS OVER A

PIG SKIN, SHE'LL GO TO A FAMILY

REUNION.

>> DO YOU GAMBLE ON THE GAME,

GILBERT BESIDES WHEN

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