Monday, March 16, 2015

  • 03/16/2015

Alice Wetterlund, Ricky Velez and Jesse Joyce #MakeACelebrityIrish, write business slogans for questionable companies and come up with awful tourist destinations.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNETHEAD LINES, IT'SRAPID REFRESH.

THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY FUN.

THE INSIDE ORACLES AT GOOGLE MAYHAVE ABANDONED THEIR AMBITIONS

TO PLANT GOOGLE GLASS ON THEWORLD'S EYEBALLS, BUT ONE MAN

HAS FOUND A NEW USE FOR THEIRTERRIFYINGLY VAST AMOUNT OF

SEARCH DATA TO PLAY THE FEUD!

NOW, JUSTIN HOOK, ASELF-PROCLAIMED INTERNET

ENTHUSIST, PULLS RESULTSDIRECTLY FROM GOOGLE'S

AUTOCOMPLETE, AND HE CREATEDTHIS FAMILY FEUD STYLE GAME.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE QUERY HOWDO YOU GET DOT DOT DOT WAS

COMPLETED WITH PINK EYE, BEDBUGS, SCABIES, RING WORM,

THE HERP, STREP THROAT.

>> AMERICA.

>> Chris: AMERICA, YEAH,AMERICA.

THE INTERNET IS FULL OFDIRTY DISEASE FREAKS, WE

HAVE A COUPLE MINUTES TOKILL BEFORE HASHTAG WARS, LET'S

EXPLORE THE BIZARRE RECESESOF THE INTERNET AND PLAY THE

GOOGLE FEUD.

SO GOOGLE FEUD ACTUALLY HAS IT'SOWN SCOREING SYSTEM, SO

IF YOU GET ONE OF THE TOPTEN ANSWERS WE WILL GIVE YOU

WHATEVER THE SCORE ISREVEALED UNDER THAT ANSWER.

AND ONCE WE GET THREE WRONGANSWERS WE MOVE ON TO THE

NEXT QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT SO LET'S STARTWITH YOU, ALICE. HOW WOULD

YOU COMPLETE WHAT IS THENUMBER FOR BLANK?

>> SNOW SNAKE.

>> Chris: SURPRISINGLY NOT INTHERE.

>> THAT'S WEIRD.

>> 911.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THE NUMBER FOR911, GENIUS.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> Chris: 6,000 POINTS.

>> I LOVE THIS GAME.

LOVE THIS GAME.

>> Chris: THERE'S-- THERE'S EVENSOMETHING MORE VACUOUS ABOUT

SEARCHING IT ON GOOGLE THANASKING SOMEONE BECAUSE

YOU'RE TYPING IT THE [BLEEP]OUT.

JESSE.

>> THE AGE OF CONSENT INKENTUCKY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALICE.

>> OH, I GET TO DO ANOTHERONE.

>> OH, THE TV.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THE NUMBER FORTV.

>> I THOUGHT -- I DON'TKNOW.

I'M SORRY.

>> Chgris: WHAT IS THE NUMBERFOR PI.

YOU DON'T NEED GOOGLE FOR THAT,IT'S 3.141512654....

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S PLAY ONE MORE.

LET'S PLAY ONE MORE.

THIS IS SO MUCH [BLEEP] FUN.

QUESTIONS --

HOW TO KILL A --

OKAY, RICKY.

>> A MOCKING BIRD.

>>Chris: OKAY, HOW TO KILL AMOCKING BIRD.

YEAH, NUMBER ONE ANSWER.

NUMBER ONE [BLEEP] ANSWER.

10,000 POINTS TO RICKY.

>> I'M GOING TO SIT OUT FORTHE LAST AT THIS POINT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, JESSE.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH BIGFOOTS, BUT PLURAL.

>> Chris: HOW TO KILL A BIGFOOT.

HOW TO KILL A BIG FOOTS.

NO POINTS.

ALICE.

>> COCKROACH.

>> Chris: HOW TO KILL ACOCKROACH, I LIKE THAT.

COCKROACH?

RICKY.

>> GIRLFRIEND. GIRLFRIEND ISNUMBER TWO.

>> Chris: GIRLFRIEND.

OH.

THANK GOD.

>> POSSUM? VAMPIRE. HOW DO YOUNOT KNOW?

NUMBER ONE MOCKING BIRD, RAT,TREE, CAT.

HOW DO YOU KILL A TREE?

BASED ON THIS, ALL THESERESULTS WHO DO YOU THINK IS

GOOGLING THIS, ALICE?

>> MONSTERS.

>> Chris: YEAH, A HUNDREDPOINTS.

AND NOW GUYS IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S HASTHAG WARS.

NOW IT IS OFFICIALLY TUESDAY,WE WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO

WISH A HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAYTO ALL OUR FAVORITE IRISH

FOLKS WHO ARE LINING UP FORTHE BARS IN FOUR HOURS.

FROM THE LIAM NEESOMANS SOTHE WIDE-EYE TWEAKERS HOPPED

UP ON PSYCHOTROPIC CLOVERS. SOIN HONOR -- YOU'LL NEVER GET

YOUR [BLEEP], GET AWAY, GETAWAY.

I WILL USE IMAGINIC TO CHOKEYOU WITH YOUR OWN DICK.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

I WILL [BLEEP] YOUR ASS WITHA POTATO IF YOU TOUCH THESE!

SO IN HONOR OF THESE FAMOUSCELTS TONIGHT'S HASTAG IS

#MakeACelebrityIrish,#MakeACelebrityIrish.

EXAM ELS BY DWAYNE THESHAMROCK JOHNSON OR ROBERT

BLARNEY, JR. OR POT-O-GOLDIEHAWN.

AND LUCK BE SMILING ON YOUIF YOU USE YOUR WEE IRISH

ACCENT.

ALL RIGHT, GET READY, SET AND GOBRAGH.

>> POTATO FAMKA JENSEN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICKY.

>> YOKO BONO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> HELENA BONHAM CARBOMB.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICKY.

>> ROSANNE BAR FIGHT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

SO GOOD.

JESSE.

>> JESUS MARY AND JOSEPHGORDON LEVITT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> BLOODY SADE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> SO, OH DANNY TREJO, THEPIPES, THE PIPES ARE CALLING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE AGAIN.

>> [BLEEP] THE QUEEN LATIFAH.

NOW ITS'S TIME TO PLAY@MIDNIGHT NEON SIGN FUN FOR

KICKS!

THE INTERNET IS FULL OFNEON SIGN FAILS BUT WHAT IF

THEY'RE NOT FAILS?

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUTTHAT INTERNET, WHY DON'T YOU

SHUT UP ONCE IN A WHILE.

OH MY GOD INTERNET, I'M SOSORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO YELL,

PLEASE DON'T GET MAD.

MAYBE JUST MAYBE THERE ARESOME OF THE MOST CREATIVE

SMALL BUSINESSES OUT THERE.

SO ASSUMING THAT THIS HORSE[BLEEP] EXCUSE IS TRUE, FOR

250 POINTS GIVE A SLOGAN FORTHESE NEW BUSINESSES.

FIRST UP, BURLINGTON CATFACT REE.

THE BURLINGTON CAT FACTORY.

JESSE JOYCE.

>> BE SURE TO VISIT THECAFETERIA IN OUR SOUTH

KOREAN LOCATION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> COME BACK SOON OR WE'LLPEE ON THE COATS.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH.

THIS NEXT ONE I THINK WECAN ALL APPRECIATE.

HOW ABOUT SOME TIT LOANS.

HEY.

I'M A LITTLE SHORT THISMONTH.

ALICE.

>> NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, COMEON IN.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

RICKY.

>> OVER 10,000 LOCATIONS IN LOSANGELES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

YEAH.

NEXT ONE --

PETCO, LIES AND FISH.

HERE'S A CLOWN FISH, YOUHAVE A BIG DICK.

RICKY.

>> THAT TANK DOESN'T MAKEYOU LOOK FAT.

>> Chris: EXCELLENT.

MASHING UP, POINTS.

FOR SURE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, THEVIRGIN LODGE.

THE VIRGIN LODGE.

JESSE.

>> VISIT OUR 71 OTHERLOCATIONS THROUGHOUT

PAKISTAN.

GOD IS GREAT.

>> Chris: GOD DAMMIT.

POINTS.

ALICE.

>> YOU CAN USE THE JACUZZI, JUSTBE GENTLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICKY.

>> FOR THOSE OF YOU ON ATIGHT BUDGET.

>> Chris: SO GOOD, POINTS.

>> GET IT, GET IT.

>> Chris: NICE.

LAST ONE --

JERKINS FAMILY RESTAURANT.

>> OH MY GOODNESS.

>> Chris: ALICE.

>> SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICKY.

>> DAD'S FAVORITERESTAURANT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JESESE.

>> HOME OF THE WORLD'S GROSSESTCEILING.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMEREKT OR SHREKT.

REKT OR SHREKT.

IF YOUSERACH FOR THE HASHTAG#REKT ON VINE, IT LEADS TO YOU

VIDEOS ON PEOPLE DELIVERINGTOTALLY SICK BURNS ENHANCED BY

PIXELATEED SUNGLASSES, ARROWHORNS AND DUBSTEP.

ONE OF VINE'S OTHER OBSESSIONSIS SHREKT, BUT NOT THE LOVABLE

OGRE.

INDUSTRIOUS WEIRDOS ONTHE INTERNET HAVE REPURPOSED HIM

TO BE A DARK PRINCE OFSURREALITY, INTENDED TO

CREEP YOU THE [BLEEP] OUT.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SCREENSHOTOF A VINE, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU TELL ME IF SOMEBODY IS ABOUTTO GET REKT OR SHREKT, OKAY.

FIRST UP, THIS FIRST LITTLE KID.

REKT OR SHREKT.

>> REKTED.

> Chris: YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BEREKT, RICKY? LET'S FIND OUT.

>> CAN I GET SOME HELP?

>> I DON'T KNOW, CAN YOU?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> WOW, REAL BAIT AND SWITCHWITH THE WEIRD HAT THERE.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT HITLER --

IS HE GOING TO GET REKTED ORSHREKTED.

ALICE.

>> SCHREKT, FOR SURE.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> TEARING UP MY HEART WHENI'M WITH YOU.

♪ .

>> IT JUST GOT SURREAL.

>> Chris: NO, THAT IS HOW WORLDWAR TWO HAPPENED.

THEY SHOULD BOTH HAVE THEMUSTACHE.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THESE TWOKIDS FROM THE CAT IN THE HAT.

REKT OR SCHREKT?

YES, ALICE.

>> SCHREKT

>> Chris: YOU THINK IT'S GONNABE SHREKT? ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

>> SHE WAS GOING TO WEARTHAT TONIGHT AND YOU RUINED

IT.

>> HONEY, IT WAS RUINED WHENSHE BOUGHT IT.

>> WELL.

>> Chris: WHY IS THE CAT IN THEHAT AN OLD JEWISH WOMAN FROM NEW

YORK.

>> I DON'T REMEMBER IT BEINGSO BITCHY.

>> Chris: KIDS GET YOUR COATS,WE'RE GOING TO JERKINS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HERE'S A CLOWN FISH, YOU HAVEA BIG DICK.

ONE FISH, TWO FISH, CLOWNFISH, BIG DICK.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,TOURIST TRAPPED.

SPRING IS JUST AROUND THECORNER AND TEMPERATURES ON

THE EAST COAST ARESKYROCKETING INTO THE SINGLE

DIGITS.

AND WARM WEATHER OF COURSE MEANSROAD TRIPS.

THAT'S WHY SELF-PROCLAIMED DATA TINKERER RANDY

OLSON RECENTLY CREATED ANALGORITHM CALCULATING THE

QUICKEST DRIVING ROUTEACROSS AMERICA THAT INCLUDES

50 VISITS TO NATIONALLANDMARKS LIKE THE STATUE OF

LIBERTY AND THE WHITE HOUSE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

THIS IS THE PERFECT IF YOUWANTED TO DRIVE AROUND THE

COUNTRY AND SEE A BUNCH OF [BLEEP], THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD

DO.

A TRIP THAT LONG IS GOING TOREQUIRE A LOT OF EMPTY

GATORADE BOTTLES TO PEE IN.

SINCE RANDY IS SHOWING US TOWHERE TO VISIT ON THE ULTIMATE

AMERICA ROAD TRIP, COMEIDANS,COME UP WITH PLACES WOULD YOU TO

THE WANT TO VISIT.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JESSE.

>> THE TOMB OF THE UNCIRCUMSIZEDSOLDIER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICKY.

>> FERGUSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> THE MUSEUM OF LACTOSEINTOLERANCE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> THE [BLEEP] PART OFARIZONA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE AGAIN.

>> MOUTH DAKOTA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> THE MEDICINE CABINET ATNEVERLAND RANCH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> INCESTUAL SEX FLAG.

IT'S IN ALABAMA.

>> Chris: POINTS, RICKY.

>> WHATEVER PARKING LOT SUGEKNIGHT IS IN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> RASCAL FLATTS, THE BANDOR IF IT'S A PLACE.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> A STORAGE WAR REENACTMENT.

>> Chris: POINTS.