CC Presents: Tess

  • Season 9, Ep 5
  • 02/24/2005

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

Tess: OH, MY GOD.

HEY.

Audience: HEY!

Tess: THAT IS LOVELY.

OH MY GOD, THE LOVE.

THAT IS SO COOL.

UM, MAN, LET ME--

FIRST OF ALL, I GOT TO GIVE A

SHOT OUT TO ALL THE JUICY GIRLS.

HEY, JUICIES, HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?

SEE-- OH, I'M SORRY.

GIRLS, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THAT IS, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT

ONE.

OKAY?

THAT'S FOR ALL THE WOMEN WHO

DON'T CONSIDER THEIRSELF BIG OR

PLUS SIZED.

WE JUST CARRYIN' A LITTLE

EXTRA WATER, WE JUICY GIRLS.

WE JUICY.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

HECK, YEAH.

WE KNOW HOW IT IS.

AIN'T THERE CERTAIN TIMES OF

THE MONTH WE GAIN AN EXTRA 50,

60 POUNDS.

YOU KNOW.

JUST IN WATER.

RIGHT LADIES, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HECK YEAH.

I COULD TAKE A PISS RIGHT NOW

AND BE DOWN TO 125, 125.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET THEM JEANS RIGHT ON.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE SEE, I'M FROM SANDUSKY,

OHIO.

AND-- HI.

AND BACK THERE, I WAS THE PICK

OF THE LITTER.

ALL RIGHT?

I HAD IT GOING ON.

I WON MISS CORN COB 3 YEARS IN

A ROW.

YOU KNOW.

I WAS SEARS ROEBUCK THAI WOMAN

OF THE YEAR.

FIRST PLACE IN THE TRACTOR PULL.

BUT-- YOU KNOW.

OH, NO.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOW.

LADIES, WE GOTTA LEARN HOW TO

LOVE YOURSELF.

THAT'S WHERE IT START, YOU GOT

TO LOVE YOURSELF.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU GOT TO.

YOU GOT TO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE Y'ALL, I WOULD LOOK IN

THE MAGAZINES AND I SEE THE

LITTLE GIRLS.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "OOH, THEY'RE

SO BEAUTIFUL."

I SAW 'EM UP CLOSE, Y'ALL.

AND THEY'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL.

THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE 90-POUND

STICK FIGURES WALKING AROUND.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING, OKAY?

GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR A WOMAN

TO WEIGH 90 POUNDS.

ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU DO, YOU ARE IN THIRD

GRADE, OKAY.

THIRD GRADE.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

ME PERSONALLY, I THINK THE

ONLY THING THAT SHOULD WEIGHT

90 POUNDS IS A MAYBE ONE

FULL-GROWN TITTY, JUST ONE...

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ONE VOLUPTUOUS BREAST.

NOT YOUR WHOLE DAMN BODY,

THEY CRAZY.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE I'M HER

RIGHT NOW MAN, I DON'T KNOW

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME LIKE,

"TESS, WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING

IF YOU WASN'T DOING COMEDY?"

I WOULD PROBABLY BE IN THE

POLITICAL ARENA.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU.

'CAUSE-- CONDOLEEZZA RICE,

I LOVE HER.

I LOVE HER Y'ALL.

THAT'S A BAD SISTER.

AND SHE CAN LIE.

OOH, SHE CAN LIE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SHE JUST MAKE ME FEEL WARM AND

FUZZY.

YOU KNOW, JUST A GOOD LIAR.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT--

JUST LIKE HER, I WOULD HAVE

NEVER TOLD ON MY BOSS EITHER.

UH-UH.

ME EITHER.

'CAUSE I-- LET ME TELL YOU

SOME WHITE PEOPLE ABOUT BLACK

WOMEN.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS WE AIN'T

GONNA DO.

ONE, IS SNITCH AND TWO, IS FILE

SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

THAT'S NOT US ALREADY?

WHITE GIRLS, Y'ALL STARTED

THAT LITTLE REVOLUTION, OKAY.

THAT AIN'T US.

'CAUSE I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,

I WORKED FOR THIS ATTORNEY

ONE TIME WHO WOULD TELL ME

EVERY MORNIN', "TESS, YOUR

BREASTS LOOK LIKE TWO BIG RIPE

PEACHES READY FOR THE PICKIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK I WENT RUNNIN' TO

HUMAN RESOURCE TO TELL ON HIM?

OH, NO.

I KNEW I WAS GONNA NEED THAT

COME PERFORMANCE REVIEW TIME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S CALLED LEVERAGE,

WHITE GIRLS.

LEVERAGE.

I'M TELLIN' YOU RIGHT NOW.

IF ME AND MY SISTER GIRLS GET

A GOOD JOB WITH BENEFITS AND

NICE PAY, WE WALK IN THE DOOR

KNOWING, "I MIGHT HAVE TO

GIVE UP SOME ASS IN HERE."

WE KNOW THAT.

WE KNOW THAT.

WE CHALK IT UP RIGHT IN THE

BEGINNING, RIGHT IN THE

BEGINNING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "UH-HUH, THIS A

NICE OFFICE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE UP SOME

ASS FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NICE HERE."

I DON'T CARE.

WE DO.

BUT I KNOW WHO GOT Y'ALL

STARTED WHITE GIRLS.

MONICA LEWINSKY.

OH, YEAH.

Y'ALL WAS ON HER TEAM, WASN'T

YOU.

"GO MONICA."

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP, MONICA.

SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT UP.

YOU MESSIN' IT UP FOR ALL THE

GOOD HONEST HO'S IN THE WORLD.

BE QUIET."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW DON'T TELL YOUR LITTLE

WHITE FRIENDS, 'CAUSE YOU SEE

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

SHE GONE TELLING HER--

WHAT'S HER OLD DOG FACE

FRIEND NAME?

LINDA TRIPP, YEAH, LIKE A

GERMAN SHEPHERD.

OLD-DOG-FACE SELF.

I FULLY EXPECTED HER TO BARK HER

TESTIMONY, YOU KNOW.

[BARKING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OLD-DOG FACE YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF

THAT WAS A SISTER BREAKIN' THE

PRESIDENT OFF, Y'ALL WOULD HAVE

NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT TO THIS

DAY.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WHITE

HOUSE SECRET.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.

SHANTE OR DEJANE OR SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW, CRAYOLA...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE--

SHE COULD HAVE JUST GOT UP OFF

HER KNEES AND WALKED OUT THE

OVAL OFFICE STRAIGHT TO THE

CAMERAS AND BEEN LIKE, "HUH?

NAH.

UH-UH.

I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"CLINTON WHO?

NO, I DON'T KNOW NO CLINTON.

NUH-HUH."

"OH, SHOOT I GOT SOMETHING ON

MY DRESS."

NO.

NO, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH Y'ALL.

I AIN'T NEVER REALLY BEEN A

WORKER PER SE.

ALL RIGHT?

I WAS EVEN A BAD TEMP.

Y'ALL KNOW WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN

TEMP.

I WOULD JAM THE COPIER AND

WALK AWAY AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.

"I'M A TEMP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY GIVE ME WORK.

I HIDE IT UNDERNEATH THE

PREGNANT GIRL'S DESK AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAVE HER NOTES.

"I HOPE YOU GOT SOME REST,

'CAUSE YOU GOT A LOT OF WORK

TO DO."

I'M A TEMP.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

I AIN'T NEVER REALLY WANTED

TO WORK.

I BLAME THIS WHOLE WORKING CRAZE

ON THE FEMINISTS.

THAT'S WHO I BLAME IT ON.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHO PUT THEM IN

CHARGE.

LADIES, I HOPE YOU REALIZE

WE COULD BE AT HOME RESTIN'

RIGHT NOW IF IT WASN'T FOR

THEIR ASSES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

NO, THEY HAD TO GO AROUND

BURNIN' BRAS AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW.

"EQUAL RIGHTS.

EQUAL RIGHTS.

WE WANNA WORK AS HARD AS MEN

DO."

NO THE HELL WE DON'T.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANNA STAY AT HOME AND

REST UP FOR MY NEXT SHOPPIN'

EXPEDITION, MAN.

THIS AIN'T FAIR.

I DON'T KNOW.

I AIN'T NEVER WANTED TO WORK,

THEY CRAZY.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WOMEN REALLY JUST WANNA

BE PROTECTED AND TAKEN CARE OF.

THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.

WE DO.

THAT'S OUR THING.

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S WHY EVERY WOMAN WANTS

TO SEE HER MAN IN A TOOL BELT.

WE DO.

WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF Y'ALL

CAN FIX ANYTHING, JUST WEAR IT.

JUST WEAR IT.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PULL OUT

THE WRENCH AND TAP ON A FEW

THINGS.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

YOU GONNA GET YOU SOME IN THE

MORNIN' I PROMISE.

I WANNA HAVE SOME OF THEM GOOD

OLD DAYS MY MAMA TOLD ME ABOUT.

WHOO, BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS

WHEN A MAN WAS INTERESTED

IN YOU, HE WOULD JUST WALK UP

TO YOU, SNIFF YOU.

IF HE LIKED YOU, HE'D CLUB YOU

OVER THE HEAD AND DRAG YOU OFF

TO THE CAVE.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT NOW I WILL BE AGGRESSIVE

IF NEED BE.

BUT YOU DON'T EVER KNOW REALLY

HOW FAR TO TAKE IT.

'CAUSE ONE TIME I WAS AT THE

SHOW AND, YOU KNOW, I FINISHED

AND I WENT BACK TO MY HOTEL.

AND I WAS JUST CHILLIN'.

I WAS IN THE HOTEL LOBBY AND

I MET THIS NICE GUY.

AND WE WAS TALKING AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW AND I WAS BUYIN' HIM

DRINKS AND WE WAS GIGGLIN' AND

LAUGHIN' AND I WAS BUYIN' HIM

MORE DRINKS.

AND YOU KNOW I GOT HIM UP TO

MY ROOM, 'CAUSE I WAS BASICALLY

MOVIN' IN FOR THE KILL.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE WANTED

TO-- "WAIT, LET'S TALK.

I DON'T KNOW YOU."

WAIT, HOLD ON.

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT WHEN I WAS

BUYIN' YOU ALL OF THEM DRINKS.

NOW GET UP ON THE BED AND PULL

YOUR PANTS OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU AIN'T BE GOING AROUND

TEASIN' BITCHES.

UM...

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'

JOINED THE MENTORSHIP PROGRAM

IN MY CHURCH.

YEAH.

SHE CLAPPIN' LIKE, "YEAH."

I DID.

I WANTED TO GIVE BACK.

YOU KNOW SO I GOT THESE TWO

MID-TEENS, RIGHT?

THEY 10 AND 11 AND THEY'RE

GIRLS.

BUT THERE'S A REASON WHY I DON'T

HAVE KIDS.

I KNOW THAT NOW.

'CAUSE I DON'T EVER REALLY

KNOW WHAT'S APPROPRIATE TO SAY,

RIGHT?

SO MY FIRST TIME TAKING 'EM

OUT, RIGHT, THEY-- I REALLY

THINK THOSE LITTLE HEIFER'S

WERE SETTIN' ME UP.

I REALLY DO.

BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN THE

CONVERSATION WHIRLED AROUND TO

SEX, RIGHT.

AND THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT OH,

SOME GIRL ON THEIR SCHOOL BUS

GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO HAVE SEX,

RIGHT.

I'M THINKING LIKE, "DAMN,

OPRAH WAS RIGHT.

THESE KIDS AT 11 REALLY ARE

TRYIN' TO HAVE SEX, RIGHT."

AND THEN I WASN'T GONNA SAY

NOTHING.

BUT THEN BEFORE I KNOW IT,

I SAID, "LOOK GIRLS, DON'T GO

OUT LIKE NO CHICKEN HEAD OR

HOOCHIE LIKE YOUR LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND.

I HOPE THAT BOY AT LEAST BOUGHT

HER A COUPLE MILKS THAT DAY AT

LUNCH OR SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

"ANYWAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

'TIL YOU GET MARRIED.

GET YOU A NICE LITTLE RING ON

YOUR FINGER, A ROCK, A NICE

ROCK.

OR A PEBBLE IF HE CHEAP,

BUT PREFERABLY A ROCK."

"NOW COME ON GIRLS, SAY IT

WITH ME.

NO RING, NO DINGALING.

COME ON NOW."

♪ NO RING...

[LAUGHTER]

NO ROCK, NO [BLEEP].

COME ON.

♪ NO ROCK, NO [BLEEP]

♪ NO ROCK, NO...

[APPLAUSE]

SO ANYWAY I'M ON SUSPENSION SO.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T SEE MY MENTEES FOR

6 MONTHS, WHATEVER.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE BACK,

THAT'S ALL.

'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO TELL GIRLS,

YOU KNOW, STUFF THAT YOU KNOW

A LOT OF WOMEN DON'T TALK ABOUT

THESE TYPE OF THINGS.

I'M TRYIN' TO HELP 'EM OUT.

LIKE BIRTH CONTROL.

YOU CAN'T TRY EVERYTHING OUT

THERE.

SEE 'CAUSE WHEN THEY PUT IT

OUT THERE, THEY DON'T EVER

COME BACK AND TELL US WHEN THE

LAB MONKEY DIED.

THEY JUST LEAVE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THAT ONE THAT YOU PUT IN

YOUR ARM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WORRY ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT

FOR THREE YEARS.

OOH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT NO BIRTH CONTROL,

NO PREGNANCY FOR THREE YEARS.

YEAH, THEY'RE RIGHT.

BUT I ALSO DIDN'T HAVE ANY

EYEBROWS.

YOU KNOW.

I HAD A MYSTERIOUS LUMP UNDER

ONE ARM.

COULDN'T GROW NO PUBES.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T GET

PREGNANT FOR THREE YEARS.

I LOOKED LIKE A DAMN FREAK

THAT'S WHY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I GOT A BACKUP PLAN JUST IN CASE

THIS WHOLE STAR-THING DON'T WORK

OUT.

I'M JUST GONNA GET MARRIED

AGAIN.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

AND I KNOW Y'ALL ARE LOOKING

AT ME LIKE, "AGAIN?"

BUT THEM FIRST TWO DON'T COUNT.

THOSE DON'T COUNT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA BE GOOD THIS TIME.

HONEST.

I DID LEARN MY LESSON.

I'M GONNA STOP ALL THAT FIGHTIN'

AND SHOOTIN' AND STUFF.

AND THIS TIME I'M GONNA BE GOOD.

'CAUSE THAT'S ONE THING MY MA

SAID WASN'T TRUE.

SHE'S LIKE, "OOH, A MAN LIKE A

WOMAN WITH A LITTLE EXCITEMENT

AND DANGER."

THAT'S NOT TRUE, OKAY, 'CAUSE

THAT BULLET DIDN'T EVEN HIT HIM.

IT JUST GRAZED HIM.

SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE

CRAZY.

DIVORCE.

DIVORCE."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, HECK.

THAT'S WHY MY LAST BOYFRIEND

WAS AN OLDER JEWISH MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DON'T CARE.

HE PROMISED TO BUY ME MY OWN

NETWORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE SAID I DIDN'T TAKE HIS

CULTURE SERIOUSLY, THOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE CAN SAY

THAT.

I MEAN I LEARNED HOW TO MAKE

MATZO BALL SOUP.

AND YOU GOTTA ADMIT, THE

MENORAH DO KIND OF LOOK LIKE

A FLOWER VASE.

JUST A LITTLE BIT.

IT WASN'T ALL BAD THOUGH.

'CAUSE THEN, YOU KNOW, WE WOULD

HAVE OUR LITTLE PET NAMES FOR

EACH OTHER.

I WOULD CALL HIM MY DIRTY LITTLE

HEBREW.

AND HE WOULD CALL ME HIS LITTLE

CHOCOLATE COVERED GENTILE.

YEAH.

IT WAS CUTE.

I DATE ALL MEN, TOO.

LADIES, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,

FORGET THAT.

YOU KNOW LIKE THEY ALWAYS

SAYING, "OOH, ONE'S LIKE THIS.

ONE'S LIKE THAT."

I'M THE RAINBOW COALITION UP

IN HERE.

I BEEN TRYIN' 'EM ALL, OKAY?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE WHEN

THEY ALWAYS SHOW SISTERS AS

BEING ANGRY WHEN WE SEE A

BLACK MAN WITH ANOTHER RACE.

MOSTLY WHITE WOMEN, WE'RE ALL.

SOME OF US REALLY DON'T GIVE

A DAMN.

LIKE ME.

I KNOW I COULD GO AROUND THIS

ROOM RIGHT NOW TO EVERY SISTER

IN HERE.

WE COULD WRITE DOWN FIVE

BROTHERS THEY COULD HAVE FOR

FREE, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO GET

ALONG WITH THE WHITE GIRLS.

I SUGGEST WE DO A LITTLE NBA

TRADE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

WE WILLIN' TO GIVE UP

TAYE DIGGS AND CUBA GOODING JR.

AND DENNIS RODMAN FOR SAY,

Y'ALL BRAD PITT.

I KNOW A FEW SISTERS WANNA WAX

THAT ASS.

UM...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I DON'T THINK--

'CAUSE I TRIED 'EM ALL.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU.

I'VE DATED KOREAN, JAPANESE,

ALL OF 'EM, ASIAN.

I DIDN'T DATE ASIANS, BUT I'M

GONNA BE HONEST WITH Y'ALL,

AS STEREOTYPICAL AS IT IS,

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

OH, IT WAS SAD, Y'ALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT HE WAS PLAYIN'.

I WAS LIKE, "FOR REAL, LET ME

SEE.

LET ME SEE IT FOR REAL.

STOP PLAYIN'.

LET ME SEE.

OH."

I'M LIKE, "WHOO, WOW IT'S SO

PRECIOUS.

WHAT'S IT GONNA DO, YOU KNOW?"

NO, I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.

LET'S TRY IT MY LITTLE RICE

CAKE.

LET'S DO IT."

[LAUGHTER]

YEP, I DATED THEM.

AND I DATED JAMAICAN GUYS.

YOU KNOW BUT I'M DRUG FREE.

THEY SMOKE ENTIRELY TOO MUCH

WEED.

I HAD TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.

UH-UH.

I WOULD WAKE UP AND HE WAS

ROLLIN' BLUNTS BIG AS PILLOWS.

I'M LIKE, "OH."

THAT'S TOO MUCH WEED, DAWG.

AND THEN I DATED A MEXICAN MAN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I DATED ALL OF

THE HISPANIC LATINO'S.

BUT MINE WAS MEXICAN IN

PARTICULAR.

AND LADIES, YOU GOT TO BE

CAREFUL 'CAUSE THEY WILL WORK

YOU TO DEATH.

ALL RIGHT?

HE THOUGHT I WAS HIS OWN LITTLE

PERSONAL SLAVE OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW?

I HAD TO TELL HIM, "I'S FREE.

I'S FREE.

I'S FREE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU DIDN'T MEET ME ON A SHIP.

YOU MET ME AT THE CLUB.

REMEMBER THE CLUB?

I WAS TOOTSIE ROLLIN' AND YOU

WAS WORKING--"

EVERY WEEK I HAD TO GO THE HIS

MAMA'S HOUSE.

EVERY WEEK SOMEBODY WAS TURNIN'

FIVE.

WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THESE KIDS

COMING FROM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I SEE ONE MORE PIÑATA,

I'M GONNA SHOOT THAT DAMN THING

MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HOW COME THE MEN GET TO EAT

FIRST ALL THE TIME?

WE HUNGRY, TOO.

WHEN WE GONNA EAT?

ALL THE WOMEN JUST STACKED UP

IN THE KITCHEN HEATIN' UP

TORTILLAS OVER THE STOVE ALL

DAY.

YOU KNOW ME.

I TRIED TO RALLY THE OTHER WOMEN

AROUND ME AND STUFF.

I WAS LIKE, "MARIA, GUADALUPE...

NOW I GOTTA CAR.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I'M HUNGRY.

AIN'T Y'ALL HUNGRY?"

THEY JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE

I WAS CRAZY.

"AH, CHICA, CáLLATE.

CáLLATE, CHICA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"ALL RIGHT.

HOW MANY MORE YOU WANT, JESUS,

HOW MANY MORE?

HOW MANY MORE?"

COLLEGES, YOU KNOW.

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE AT 19, 20, THESE GIRLS--

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETIMES WHAT THEY BE TALKING

ABOUT.

I JUST WANNA GET MY CHECK AND

GO BASICALLY.

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T FEEL GOOD SOMETIMES.

AND I WAS DOING THIS SHOW AND

THIS GIRL WAS LIKE JUST GIVE ME

MY CHECK AND LET ME GO, RIGHT?

WELL, SHE JUST WANTED TO TALK.

"OH MY GOD, TESS.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WERE REALLY FUNNY.

YOU WERE REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.

OKAY.

DO YOU MIND IF WE CHAT FOR A

MINUTE, GIRLFRIEND TO

GIRLFRIEND?"

I'M LIKE, "SHOOT, I AIN'T GOT

A CHOICE.

YOU GOT MY CHECK.

[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

"ANYWAY, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE

BEEN WITH A LOT OF MEN, AND--"

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HO?"

[LAUGHTER]

"AND I JUST FOUND OUT MY

BOYFRIEND TODD HAS BEEN CHEATING

ON ME AGAIN."

"AND I'M LIKE, 'OH MY GOD,

TODD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE

DOING THIS TO ME.'

I'M THINKING MAYBE NOW WE WON'T

GET MARRIED AFTER COLLEGE,

YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE I'LL JUST BE

A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN LIKE

YOU AND MOVE TO AFRICA AND HELP

YOUR PEOPLE SAVE THE WHALES."

[LAUGHTER]

SO NOW I'M THINKING TWO THINGS

BASICALLY.

ONE, WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THERE

WAS SOME WHALES IN AFRICA NEED

SAVING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SECONDLY, HOW MUCH JAIL TIME

I GET IF I CHOKE THIS HEIFER.

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN I AIN'T GONNA CHOKE HER

ALL THE WAY.

I'M JUST GONNA CHOKE HER

A LITTLE BIT.

I JUST NEEDED MY CHECK, 'CAUSE

I NEED TO GO HAVE MY NIPPLES

FIXED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND Y'ALL THINK I'M PLAYIN',

BUT THAT'S SERIOUS.

OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT MY

NIPPLES, HUH?

YEAH.

WELL, I HAD A LITTLE EXTRA CASH

AND I DECIDED TO GET A BREAST

REDUCTION, 'CAUSE USED TO WEAR A

56 DOUBLE F, OKAY.

YEAH, THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF

BREAST.

Y'ALL KNOW, HUH.

AND NEVER GO TO TIJUANA AND HAVE

YOUR BREASTS DONE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THE DOCTORS

THOUGHT THIS WAS LIKE A LITTLE

JOKEY JOKE IN THEIR OPERATIN'

ROOM OR WHAT, BUT THEY DECIDED

TO LEAVE THAT DOUBLE F NIPPLE

ON A D BREAST.

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER ALL OF THAT, I DON'T WANT

Y'ALL TO THINK I'M PERFECT, SO I

TOO HAVE A DYSFUNCTION

AND I USED TO BE ASHAMED OF IT,

NOT ANYMORE.

MY MOM AND DAD RIGHT NOW ARE

STRANGELY PREOCCUPIED WITH

DEATH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT THEY ALWAYS MAKING SURE

THEIR ARRANGEMENTS ARE TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "ALL I KNOW IS THERE

BETTER BE SOME LIFE INSURANCE.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A SISTER WHO'S JUST SICK,

BUT SHE ANGRY AS HELL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH

HER, BUT SHE BITTER.

SOMETIMES I WANNA PINCH HER,

IS THAT WRONG?

BUT SHE JUST BITTER AND MEAN AND

I HAVE ONE BROTHER WHO'S COOL.

YOU KNOW HE JUST WORKS AND DOES

HIS THING.

HE DON'T BOTHER ME.

I LIKE HIM THE BEST.

AND THEN I HAVE MY OTHER BROTHER

WHO HATES WHITE PEOPLE.

I THINK HE WORKED IN CORPORATE

AMERICA OR SOMETHING I DON'T

KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

UM...

HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO GET THE

BLACK PANTHERS TOGETHER AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOKING FOR A REVOLUTION.

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW WELL THAT'S

GONNA WORK OUT, SEEIN' AS THOUGH

HE MARRIED A WHITE WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK Y'ALL.

THAT'S BEEN MY TIME.

I'M TESS.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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