CC Presents: Nick DiPaolo

  • Season 6, Ep 7
  • 06/02/2002

WELCOME TO THE WILLIAM JEFFERSON

CLINTON LIBRARY.

ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

WITH AN ADULT SECTION.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW'S IT GOING FOLKS?

HOW YA FEEL?

ALL RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GETTING OVER THE FLU BECAUSE

I HAVE NIECES AND NEPHEWS.

THEY CARRY GERMS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER HUGGED

ONE OF THOSE KIDS.

YOU KNOW?

MY MOTHER'S LIKE "GIVE YOUR

NIECE A HUG."

NO I'D RATHER LICK THE TOILET

SEAT AT THE GREYHOUND BUS

STATION.

(LAUGHTER)

"GIVE TIMMY A HUG, HE'S GOT THE

EBOLA VIRUS THIS WEEK.

COME ON, GIVE EM A KISS."

HE'S ACTUALLY GOT TEETH MARKS ON

HIS NECK WHERE SOME MONKEY BIT

HIM ON VACATION IN ZAIRE.

YEAH, LET ME HUG HIM.

BUT I'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER THIS

BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER

CAN CURE PHYSICAL AILMENTS.

THAT'S IN THE NEW ENGLAND

MEDICAL JOURNAL.

THIS IS TRUE, NOW THEY HAVE

CLOWNS PERFORMING FOR TERMINALLY

ILL PEOPLE IN HOSPITAL WARDS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

YOU'RE DYIN' OF CANCER, YOU WANT

WILLY WHISTLE TWISTING A BALLOON

INTO A POODLE?

"TIMMY, WHAT DO YOU WANT

A DUCK?"

(SQUEAKING NOISES)

"LET ME DO A PONY FOR YA."

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

TIMMY'S LIKE "YEAH, COULD YOU

TWIST THAT THING INTO A LIVER,

I'VE BEEN ON THE LIST THREE

YEARS?"

(LAUGHTER)

SPEAKIN' OF CURES, I SAW A SIGN

TODAY ON THE SIDE OF A BUS,

I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE

INSENSITIVE, IT SAID "HELP CURE

MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY BY JOINING

OUR WALK-A-THON."

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MESSAGE

HERE?

YOU CAN'T DO IT, WE'LL DO IT FOR

YA.

YOU KNOW?

YEAH, LET'S WIPE OUT ANOREXIA

WITH A BAKE SALE.

(LAUGHTER)

LADY GOT ALL BUMMED OUT I USED

I ONLY DATE REALLY PETITE GIRLS

'CAUSE IT ONLY COSTS 4 BUCKS

TO GET 'EM DRUNK.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU EVER DATE A BIG GIRL?

YOU GO BROKE GETTING HER DRUNK.

IT'S LIKE FILLING A WINNEBAGO

WITH SUPER UNLEADED.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WATCHING THE BAR TAB GO UP

LIKE THE PUMPS AT A GAS STATION

55, 60, 65, 70...

SHE'S NOT EVEN A QUARTER FULL,

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GET PISSED AT HER,

YOU TACKLE HER ON THE GROUND,

YOU STICK A FUNNEL IN HER MOUTH,

YOU POUR A PITCHER OF FROZEN

MARGARITAS DOWN HER THROAT,

SHE PASSES OUT, YOUR HIGH FIVIN'

YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU TURN AROUND, SHE GETS UP OFF

THE GROUND LIKE JASON.

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE END OF THE NIGHT,

SHE'S HANGIN' ON THE BAR LIKE

ROBERT DI NERO IN RAGING BULL,

"IN EVER WENT DOWN, YOU NEVER

GOT ME DOWN!

I NEVER WENT DOWN, RAY."

THERE'S A LOT OF PETITE GIRLS

AROUND BECAUSE BULIMIA IS MAKING

A COME BACK.

I READ THAT IN THE PAPER.

YEAH.

APPARENTLY, WOMEN ARE GETTING

BULIMIA 'CAUSE THEY ARE TRYING

TO IMITATE SKINNY BEAUTIFUL

WOMEN YOU SEE ON TV.

HOW COME US GUYS DON'T FALL FOR

THIS CRAP?

YOU DON'T SEE TEN GUYS WATCHING

WRESTLING ON A MONDAY NIGHT,

THE ROCK TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF SO

FRANK RUNS IN TO THE BATHROOM

AND COUGHS UP HIS BURRITO,

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

"LOOK AT THE ASS ON HIM HE'S

GORGEOUS, I WANNA LOOK JUST LIKE

THAT.

(HEAVING NOISES)

LOOK AT THEME TITTIES.

(BLEEP) DAMN.

(HEAVING NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT PRESSURE

TO LOOK GOOD, YOU KNOW?

WE COULD BE A HUNDRED POUNDS

OVER WEIGHT, WE LOOK IN THE

MIRROR, YEAH, THAT LOOKS

ALL RIGHT.

WE LOOK AT OURSELVES IN THE

MIRROR THE WAY WE LOOK AT WOMEN

WHEN WE'RE DRUNK, RIGHT?

I'D (BLEEP) THAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TWELVE LOVE HANDLES, HAIR ON

HER ASS, SHE'S UGLY, I'M HORNY,

IT'S A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.

(LAUGHTER)

AH, PEOPLE GET MOANING, PEOPLE

UPTIGHT, POLITICALLY CORRECT,

RELAX FOLKS, I CAN HEAR YOUR ASS

CHEEKS TIGHTENING UP...

(SQUEAKING NOISES)

HE'S PICKING ON A FAT GUY,

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

SO UPTIGHT IN THIS COUNTRY.

WE'RE TOO POLITICALLY CORRECT.

EVEN MY PEOPLE, THE ITALIANS

ARE POLITICALLY CORRECT NOW,

WHICH THEY NEVER WERE.

AND NOW THEY'RE COMPLAINING

THEY DON'T LIKE THE WAY THEY'RE

PORTRAYED ON THE SOPRANOS.

I LOVE THE WAY WE'RE PORTRAYED

ON THE SOPRANOS.

IF YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN HOW

ITALIANS ARE PORTRAYED ON TV,

LET'S START WITH THOSE OLIVE

GARDEN COMMERCIALS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

I'D RATHER BE PORTRAYED AS A

MOB BOSS WHO OWNS A STRIP CLUB

AND CHEATS ON HIS WIFE THAN SOME

GUY WHO TAKES SOMEBODY FROM

ITALY TO THE OLIVE GARDEN.

(LAUGHTER)

"UNCLE VINNIE CAME OVER FROM

SICILY, WE TOOK HIM TO THE

OLIVE GARDEN, HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE.

THE NEXT DAY OUR FAMILY CAR

EXPLODED, HMM.

APPARENTLY, HE DIDN'T LIKE THE

BOLOGNA ALFREDO."

(LAUGHTER)

TAKE SOMEBODY FROM ITALY TO THE

OLIVE GARDEN, WHAT WAS THE A&P

OUT OF SPAGHETTIOS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NICK DIPAOLO>> YOU KNOW WHO

I BLAME THIS POLITICAL CORRECT

WAVE ON?

MILITANT FEMINISTS.

THEY'VE CUT THE SENSE OF HUMOR

RIGHT OUT OF THIS COUNTRY.

EVERY COMMERCIAL GOES AFTER

THE FATHER NOW.

EVERY COMMERCIAL MAKES THE GUY

LOOK LIKE THE ASS (BLEEP).

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE PICKED UP

ON THIS WOMEN BUT IT'S TRUE.

EVERY COMMERCIAL GOES AFTER THE

FATHER.

IT'S LIKE "AMERICA ON LINE IS SO

EASY EVEN DAD CAN USE IT."

OH, YEAH, YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO

BOUGHT YOU THE (BLEEP) COMPUTER?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

YEAH.

HE'S A REAL JERK.

(APPLAUSE)

THEY DON'T LET UP,

THE FEMINISTS.

I GOT ON THE SUBWAY LAST WEEK;

I GOT ON THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

CAR.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THIS ONE

GUYS?

PICTURE 50 WOMEN WITH BLACK EYES

CRYING A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS

"EVERY TWELVE SECONDS ANOTHER

WOMAN IS BEATEN BY HER BOYFRIEND

OR HUSBAND."

YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERY SIX SECONDS

A WOMAN TAKES A GUY FOR HALF OF

WHAT HE'S WORTH IN THIS COUNTRY,

YOU KNOW?

SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF 50 GUYS

UP THERE CRYING WITH THEIR CHECK

BOOKS OPEN AND A BUNCH OF ZERO'S

IN THE BALANCE COLUMN.

(APPLAUSE)

AND I'M NOT ANTI-WOMEN.

I LOVE WOMEN.

WOMEN HAVE IT TOUGH, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHERE I THINK YOU GET

GYPPED THE MOST BY GOD THE MOST,

WAS THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM

'CAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE A CERTAIN

AMOUNT OF TIME YOU CAN HAVE KIDS

RIGHT?

THEN YOUR STUFF GOES BAD LIKE

FRESH FRUIT OR SOMETHING, HUH?

GUYS, OUR STUFF'S LIKE A JAR OF

MUSTARD, LASTS FOR A THOUSAND

YEARS, NOBODY WANTS IT,

YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY'VE REMEDIED THE

SITUATION LADIES, YOU CAN NOW

FREEZE YOUR EGGS.

THAT'S KIND OF COOL.

FREEZIN' YOUR EGGS.

"HEY, BILLY, WHERE'D YOU GROW

UP?"

"AH, BETWEEN THE FUDGECYCLES

AND THE FISH STICKS."

"IS THAT A BIRTH MARK?"

"NO, IT'S A FREEZER BURN.

I WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING A

MARGARITA."

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET FOR

DONATING YOUR EGGS LADIES?

5,000 BUCKS.

GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT WE GET FOR

OUR SPERM?

50 BUCKS.

I GOT A TOWEL AT HOME,

IT'S WORTH $200,000.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE).

YEAH, IT'S LEANING AGAINST

MY BEDROOM DOOR AND, UH...

(FEMININE VOICE)

"THAT WAS GROSS, HE'S GROSS,

HE'S A PIG!"

"AHH...SHUT UP."

I WANT TO HAVE KIDS, MAN.

HOW BOUT THE LADY THAT HAD EIGHT

BABIES.

DO YOU KNOW THERE WAS ONE

CARRYING NINE RIGHT NOW?

THIS WAS IN TIME MAGAZINE

LAST MONTH.

THERE'S A LADY IN ARGENTINA

CARRYING NINE BABIES.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE THEM

NATURALLY.

NINE KIDS COMIN' OUT OF THAT

LITTLE OPENING.

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THE FRONT

DOOR OF CHUCKIE CHEESE AT

CLOSING TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

KIDS JUST RUNNING OUT THERE

SINGLE FILE, "WHOLLY JEEZ,

WHERE'S THE CLOWN WITH THE

PIZZA, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON

HERE?

IT'S LIKE A FIRE DRILL AT A

KINDERGARTEN, WHAT THE HELL'S

GOING ON?"

THEY DID A SONOGRAM ON HER.

SHE HAD NINE SEPARATE UMBILICAL

CORDS.

HER PLACENTA MUST LOOK LIKE THE

BACK OF AN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

(LAUGHTER)

THE DOCTORS LIKE, "CAN I CUT

THIS?

DOES THIS GO TO THE VCR, THE

TELEVISION, TO TIMMY, TO SHARON,

TO BOBBY?"

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING NINE

BABIES COMING OUT OF A LITTLE

OPENING?

THAT'S TOUGH, MAN.

THAT'S HOW TOUGH WOMEN ARE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T MIND WOMEN IN

THE MILITARY, I DON'T MIND THEM

IN THE ARMY.

I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD BE IN

THE FRONT LINES 'CAUSE THEY

DON'T THROW THAT WELL, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T THINK TWENTY SOLDIERS

SHOULD DIE BECAUSE PAM'S GRENADE

TOSS LANDED A FOOT FROM THE

BUNKER!

(LAUGHTER)

"IT LANDED BEHIND US, SHANNON...

(LAUGHTER)

GIVE IT TO THE GAY GUY NEXT

TO YOU AND LET HIM THROW IT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ARMY

CLINTON PUT TOGETHER, WOMEN AND

GAY GUYS.

BOY THE TALIBAN MUST BE CRAPPIN'

THEIR PANTS, HUH?

"IT'S THE GREEN BERETS.

HEY, THEY'RE WEARING YELLOW

PUMPS, WHAT THE (BLEEP) GOING ON

IN AMERICA, HUH?

THEY'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO

OUR CAVES AND REDECORATE,

WE CAN'T HAVE THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

CRAZY LIVING IN NEW YORK

WITH THIS WAR GOING ON.

I LIVE IN ASTORIA QUEENS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S THE OTHER SIX WHITE

PEOPLE THAT LIVE THERE,

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A NICE PLACE IF YOU WANT

TO LIVE IN KHANDAHAR IN 1560,

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, IT'S A...

IT'S ALL MIDDLE-EASTERN PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY'S WALKING AROUND IN

VEILS AND ROBES AND SANDALS

AND LONG BEARDS.

I SAW THE THREE WISE MEN GET OUT

OF A RANGE ROVER LAST WEEK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY WERE BRINGING A BOX OF MER

INTO AN OTB.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THERE WERE LIKE TEN OF THEM

AT A BUS STOP, IT LOOKED LIKE

A NATIVITY SCENE, WHAT IS THAT

A MANGER, JEEZ?

LOOKS LIKE A SHEPHERD'S

CONVENTION IN QUEENS.

THE FBI SAYS THEY'RE HAVING

TROUBLE PENETRATING THESE

TERRORIST CELLS.

BULL (BLEEP).

MOVE TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'VE BEEN BUYING FRUIT FROM THE

TALIBAN FOR FOUR YEARS.

"I'D LIKE TO RETURN THIS

CANTALOUPE."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE IT'S TICKING,

THAT'S WHY."

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY SPEAKS ENGLISH ON MY

STREET.

YOU KNOW, THE FBI IS LOOKING

FOR PEOPLE WHO SPEAK ARABIC

AND FARSAII TO HELP EM OUT.

YEAH, SO AM I SO I CAN GET A

PACK OF CIGARETTES IN UNDER

TWENTY MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

BUSH SAYS HE'S GONNA BOMB

ANYBODY HARBORING TERRORISTS.

THERE GOES MY BUILDING.

(LAUGHTER)

AFGHANISTAN, WHAT A GORGEOUS

COUNTRY, HUH?

HMM.

I SAW THAT ON THE NEWS THE OTHER

NIGHT.

I'M WATCHING FOX.

I'M GOING LOOK AT THAT, I COULD

NEVER LIVE IN THAT (BLEEP) HOLE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S MY CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT A DUMP.

IT'S HARD TO SEE WHY ANYONE

WHO GREW UP THERE WOULD WANT

TO GET INVOLVED IN A SUICIDE.

IF I GREW UP THERE, I'D BE DYING

IN THE NAME OF PORKY PIG, OKAY?

I DON'T SEE TOO MANY SUICIDE

BOMBERS COMING OUT OF ST. BARTS.

YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU WITH

THE JIHAD IF I GET A PARASAIL

LESSON AT 4 O'CLOCK.

GOOD LUCK.

I'M GOING TO GET BLOWN BEHIND

THIS PALM TREE AT FIVE.

I HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU,

MUHAMMAD.

HMM-MM.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK BIN LADEN IS A

HOMOSEXUAL.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IT SAYS RIGHT IN THE

KARAN, IF YOU DIE IN THE NAME OF

ALLAH, YOU'RE GOING TO RECEIVE

72 VIRGINS.

SO WHY IS HE RUNNING?

APPARENTLY, (BLEEP)

IS KRYPTONITE TO THIS GUY,

YOU KNOW?

IF YOU TOLD ME I WAS GOING

TO SEE 72 VIRGINS WHEN I DIED,

I'D BE IN THE DESERT WITH A

BULLS-EYE TAPED TO MY NUTS!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PLEASE, PUT TWO IN THE BACK

OF MY HEAD, WILL YOU?

I GOT BLUE BALLS, HELP ME OUT

HERE.

SECURITY PEOPLE ARE COMPLAINING

BUT I DON'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE.

I BEEN FLYING FOR THREE MONTHS.

THEY BUSTED ONE PERSONS BALLS,

LIKE A 90 YEAR OLD LADY IN A

WHEELCHAIR.

THEY WERE HASSLING HER, I'M

LIKE, YEAH, LIKE SHE'S A THREAT.

THE GUY NEXT TO ME GOES, "HOW DO

YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT A THREAT?"

I GO, "SHE'S GOT THE DIAPER

AROUND HER ASS NOT HER HEAD.

WHY DON'T WE START THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

OUR ATTITUDES HAVEN'T CHANGED

FLYING AT ALL EITHER, MAN.

WE'RE STILL SELFISH ON THE

PLANE.

I'M ON A PLANE TO SAN FRANCISCO

LAST WEEK, THE PILOT COMES ON HE

GOES, "AH, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH ENGINE NUMBER TWO.

THERE'S GOING TO BE ABOUT

A 45 MINUTE DELAY."

EVERY BODY ON THE PLANE GOES,

"COME ON, LET'S GO!"

"OKAY, LET'S TAKE OFF WITH THAT

SCREW MISSING IN ENGINE NUMBER

TWO SO I CAN BE SITTING IN A

CORN FIELD IN NEBRASKA THREE

HOURS FROM NOW WITH BURNT BALLS

AND A BAG OF PEANUTS 'CAUSE YOU

WERE LATE FOR YOUR AMWAY MEETING

IN SYRACUSE."

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT A MISERABLE FLIGHT

ON THE WAY BACK HERE FROM

SAN FRANCISCO.

THREE SCREAMING BABIES BEHIND ME

ON THE PLANE.

NOT ONE, (BLEEP) THREE.

I HAD TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR

ALMOST SIX HOURS, "WAAAW, WAAAW,

WAAAW, WAW, WAAW."

BUT I COULDN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE

BECAUSE IT BOTHERS OTHER PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT HASN'T CHANGED.

I SAID TO A LADY, "YOU CAN HAVE

A SCREAMING BABY ON YOUR LAP

BUT I CAN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE?"

"WELL, SECONDARY SMOKE WILL KILL

YOU, MY SONS SCREAMING NOT GOING

TO SEND YOU TO A PREMATURE

DEATH."

I SAID, "I'M PRETTY SURE KILLING

A KID IS A CAPITAL OFFENSE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HAVE TO BE NICE ON A PLANE.

I HELPED AN OLD LADY WITH HER

LUGGAGE ON THE FLIGHT.

DON'T DO THAT, YOU BECOME HER

BITCH FOR THE REST OF THE

FLIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE WAS OLD, MAN, SHE WAS IN HER

LATE 100s.

SHE HAD NO CALCIUM IN HER BONES,

SHE HAD THE POSTURE OF A

JUMBO SHRIMP.

SOMEBODY DIP HER IN BATTER.

LOOK AT HER SCURRY.

COME BACK HERE, MISS TEMPURA.

SHE TRIED TO GRAB ONE OF HER

BAGS OFF OF THE CARROUSEL, HER

ARM SNAPPED OFF AT THE ELBOW.

IT WAS LIKE A BLOODY STUMP STUCK

IN A GUCCI BAG CIRCLING THE

AIRPORT.

(LAUGHTER)

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF OLD

PEOPLE.

I TURNED 40 LAST THURSDAY.

40 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS

FRIGHTENING TO ME, MAN.

(APPLAUSE)

NO, PLEASE.

"HE'S ALMOST DEAD.

YES."

40 YEARS OLD, IT SCARES ME, MAN.

HAD MY FIRST PROSTATE EXAM

ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL

YOUR 40 BUT I SAID (BLEEP) IT,

I'M NOT GOING MISS ON THAT KIND

OF FUN.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS WAS SO HUMILIATING.

LADIES, NOW I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

WHEN YOU GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

I HAD TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN

TO MY ANKLES, BEND OVER A TABLE,

THIS GUY PUT ON A RUBBER GLOVE,

PROCEEDED TO DO SHADOW PUPPETS

IN MY ASS FOR TEN MINUTES.

"LET ME DO AN EAGLE FOR YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

"AH, CAN YOU DO A RABBIT WITH NO

EARS?

THAT REALLY HURTS."

AFTER ABOUT FOUR MINUTES,

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'D YOU DROP YOUR

FAVORITE PEN?

LET'S GO!"

(LAUGHTER)

THIS GUY WAS POKING AT ME WITH

HIS INDEX FINGER LIKE A HOMELESS

GUY TRYING TO GET A QUARTER OUT

OF A PAYPHONE.

(LAUGHTER)

HE GOES, "I'M GONNA PUSH ON YOUR

PROSTRATE, YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL

LIKE YOU WANT TO PEE."

I SAID, "I HAD THAT FEELING WHEN

I SAW YOU PUT ON THE GLOVE."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN YOU'RE ALL DONE YOU GOT

LUBRICATION ALL OVER YOUR ASS,

HE THROWS YOU A BUNCH OF NAPKINS

LIKE YOU'RE A $5 CRACK WHORE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT AM I AT, A MOTEL IN

TRENTON?

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

THEN I SEE THE GUY WRITING

SOMETHING IN HIS FILE, I'M JUST

PRAYING HE'S NOT DOODLING A

HEART WITH MY INITIALS IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)

HE GOES, "I'LL SEE YOU IN

SIX MONTHS."

I GO "(BLEEP) THAT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT ON

TUESDAY."

HE GOES, "GET OUT OF MY CAR."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GETTING TOO OLD TO DATE AND

I REALIZED THIS TWO WEEKS AGO.

GUYS, THIS IS WHEN YOU KNOW

YOU'RE TOO OLD TO DATE.

I WAS IN THIS BAR FLIRTING WITH

THIS HOT CHICK BUT I DIDN'T

GO HOME WITH HER 'CAUSE I FELT

A DUMP COMING ON.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I WAS (BLEEP) BLOCKED BY

A CALZONE I ATE AT ONE O'CLOCK.

(LAUGHTER AN APPLAUSE)

THAT IS SAD.

EVEN IF YOU MEET A GIRL THAT

NIGHT YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER,

YOU JUST MET HER, THERE'S THAT

AWKWARD SILENCE WHERE THERE'S

NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT FOR THE

NEXT SIX HOURS.

THAT'S WHY I JUST LOOK AT DIRTY

PICTURES ON THE INTERNET NOW,

YOU KNOW?

THE ONLY VOICE I WANT TO HEAR

AFTER I CLIMAX IS GOOD-BYE.

(LAUGHTER)

I TALKED MY GIRLFRIEND INTO

BUYING A DILDO A COUPLE OF WEEKS

AGO FOR HER.

LET ME CLARIFY THAT,

I KNOW WE'RE IN NEW YORK.

ANYTHING GOES IN THIS (BLEEP)

DAMNED CITY BUT, UH...

WELL, I SAID SHE WAS BORED

WITH OUR SEX LIFE, I'M MAKING

LOVE TO HER, SHE'S LAYING THERE

WHISTLING THE THEME TO

MY THREE SONS.

THAT'S NOT GOOD, YOU KNOW?

I SAID, "GO OUT AND BUY A TOY."

SHE COMES BACK WITH A NINE INCH

BLACK RUBBER DILDO.

I THOUGHT SHE STOLE A PEPPER

MILL FROM A STEAK HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

"AH, JUST SAY WHEN, HONEY."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE THESE

THINGS SO REALISTIC?

THINGS GOT MORE VEINS IN IT THAN

IGGY POPS FOREARM, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

TAKES LIKE EIGHT D CELL

BATTERIES.

APPARENTLY, SHE WANTS A (BLEEP)

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DIRT BIKE.

(MAKES BUZZING SOUND)

(LAUGHTER)

COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM,

SHE'S GOT MUD ALL OVER HER FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE'RE IN BED ONE NIGHT,

SHE STARTS FIDDLING AROUND

MY ASS WITH THIS THING,

I'M LIKE, "HEY!

IF I WANT A NINE INCH BLACK

PENIS IN MY ASS, I'LL COMMIT

A FELONY."

NICK DIPAOLO>> THE CONCEPT OF

GOOD SERVICE IS NULL AND VOID

IN THIS COUNTRY.

YOU NOTICE NOBODY GIVES A CRAP

ANYMORE?

I'M IN A HOTEL IN CLEVELAND

AND I ORDERED A MUSHROOM PIZZA,

THEY BROUGHT ME A GREEN PEPPER

BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE

MUSHROOM SOUNDS JUST LIKE

GREEN PEPPER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M ALWAYS CONFUSING MUSHROOM

AND GREEN PEPPER.

I'M AT A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT

EATING GREEN PEPPERS TRYING TO

GET HIGH AND GETTING THE (BLEEP)

INSTEAD, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I ORDER FROM THE SAME PLACE

THE NEXT NIGHT, THEY BRING ME

THE RIGHT PIZZA THIS TIME,

THEY FORGET TO CUT IT.

I'M IN A HOTEL ROOM, IT'S FOUR

IN THE MORNING, AND I HAVE NO

SILVERWARE.

YOU EVER TRY TO EAT AN UNCUT

PIZZA?

IT'S LIKE AN 80 POUND RITZ

CRACKER.

I HAD THIRD DEGREE BURNS ON MY

FACE AND TITTIES BY THE TIME

I WAS DONE EATIN' THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I CALL THE GUY UP, "HEY,

THANKS FOR THE MOZZARELLA THROW

RUG, I APPRECIATE THAT"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I CAN'T GET SERVICE ANYWHERE,

MAN.

I HAD TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY

ROOM.

I STEPPED ON A NAIL IN MY

APARTMENT.

YOU GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM,

YOU NEED IMMEDIATE CARE,

WHAT DO THEY MAKE YOU DO WHEN

YOU GET THERE?

AUDIENCE>> WAIT.

NICK DIPAOLO>> WAIT.

I WAITED FOR ALMOST FOUR HOURS.

AND THIS NURSE COMES OUT WITH

THIS PISSY ATTITUDE, "HOW YOU

GONNA PAY FOR THIS?"

I SAID, "AH, WITH MY (BLEEP)

LIFE IF YOU DON'T PICK UP THE

PACE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M BLEEDING LIKE TED KENNEDY'S

LIVER, CAN I GET A BAND-AID?

THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY THERE'S A

LONG LINE IN THE WAITING ROOM

BUT THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME

IS BEING TREATED FOR A MUSKET

WOUND.

(LAUGHTER)

"HOW'D YOU HURT YOUR BACK?"

"AH, FELL OFF THE TROJAN HORSE."

"REALLY?"

THE HEAD NURSE COMES OUT, "IS

THERE A JOHN QUINCY ADAMS HERE?

YOUR FATHER'S GOING TO BE FINE,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY'S QUALIFIED TO DO THEIR

JOB.

I WENT TO THE GAP TO BUY JEANS

LAST WEEK.

THAT USED TO BE A FIVE-MINUTE

CHORE.

NOW THEY GAVE THE SAME PAIR

A JEANS A THOUSAND DIFFERENT

NAMES.

THE KID KNEW LESS ABOUT IT

THEN I DID.

HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

YOU WANT TO TRY ON THE EASY

FITTING JEANS?"

"NO, BRING ME THE MOST DIFFICULT

PAIR OF PANTS YOU HAVE.

SOMETHING WITH THIRTEEN LEG

HOLES, AND THE ZIPPER WELDED

SHUT.

I WANT TO PISS MYSELF AT

HAPPY HOUR TONIGHT."

HE TALKED ME INTO BUYING

BUTTON FLY JEANS.

THAT'S WHAT I NEED AFTER

TWENTY BEERS, A DEXTERITY TEST,

YA KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M WALKIN' AROUND A NIGHT CLUB

WITH A BIG WET RING ON MY PANTS,

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?

I FORGOT THE COMBINATION ON MY

SLACKS."

THANKS A LOT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A NICE CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

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