Hardwick, Conroy, Leslie, Van Deventer

  • Season 5, Ep 510
  • 11/30/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Chris Hardwick, Sean Conroy, Leslie and Charles Van Deventer.

LOOK AT THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AH.

GOSH.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

YOU'RE NEVER AS ENTHUSIASTIC AS

YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE IN COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW?

"WHAT DORM DO YOU LIVE IN?"

"YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!"

"WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?"

"PSYCHOLOGY!

OH, MY GOD!"

YOU JUST HAPPY.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER SEE

MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE LIKE,

"I'M GETTING A DIVORCE!

YEAH!"

"I LOST MY JOB.

YEAH!"

AH...

ENJOY THE GOOD TIMES, KIDS.

'CAUSE IN ABOUT EIGHTEEN MONTHS,

IT'S TIME FOR THE REAL WORLD.

NICE.

OKAY.

BOWLER.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S NOT COOL.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS

ONE OF THE GREATEST PROFESSIONAL

BOWLERS THAT EVER LIVED.

SO, NATURALLY, I'M GOOD.

I'M A GOOD BOWLER.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M AWESOME AT BOWLING.

I'M SORRY.

SEVERAL THINGS HAPPEN WHEN

YOU GROW UP IN A BOWLING CENTER.

YOU GET GOOD A BOWLING AND

FROGGER AND LIKE, MEETING

DIVORCEE'S.

IT HAPPENS.

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

SO, IT WAS A TREMENDOUS MISTAKE

FOR ME, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,

TO TAKE A FIRST DATE BOWLING.

SO...

SO WE WENT...

AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS THREE

OR FOUR FRAMES INTO IT SHE GOES,

"YOU JUST TOOK ME"--

BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT HOW SHE

TALKED, BUT THAT'S HOW I HEARD

HER.

SHE GOES, "YOU JUST TOOK ME

BOWLING TO IMPRESS ME."

"WELL, YES."

(LAUGHTER)

"ANOTHER STRIKE FOR ME.

ARE YOU READY FOR MY SEED YET?

OR SHOULD I MOVE ON TO

JUG A LEG?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CLEAR THIS UP...

IN CASE YOU GUYS WERE WONDERING.

THE ANSWER IS "YES".

I AM THE OLDER AND LESS MAGICAL

HARRY POTTER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GLAD TO BE BACK HERE

IN THE CITY.

I LIVE HERE IN MANHATTAN.

AND I LOVE IT HERE.

I REALLY DO.

BUT I FIND IT A LITTLE

STRESSFUL.

LITTLE THINGS STRESS ME OUT.

I WENT TO THE DELI AROUND THE

CORNER FROM MY HOUSE THE OTHER

DAY, AND THE GUY BEHIND THE

COUNTER WAS LIKE, "WHAT CAN I DO

FOR YA...

BOSS?"

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

HOW COME EVERY TIME I GO INTO

A DELI OR A PIZZA SHOP OR A

CONVENIENCE STORE THE GUY BEHIND

THE COUNTER HAS SOME LITTLE

NICKNAME FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

"WHAT DO YOU NEED, BUDDY?"

"WHAT'LL IT BE, SPORT?"

"CAN I HELP YOU, CHIEF?"

AND IT'S NEVER SINCERE.

THERE'S ALWAYS LIKE A SARCASTIC

SUBTEX TO IT.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WHAT HE'S REALLY SAYING IS

"MAN I WOULD NEVER IN LIFE

CONSIDER HAVING A SWIM, BUDDY?"

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT'LL IT BE

'GUY WHO'S PROBABLY TERRIBLE

AT EVERY', SPORT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"CAN I HELP YOU...

'FELLA WHO'S DESTINED TO SPEND

THE REST OF HIS LIFE DRINKING

CHEAP WHISKEY WEARING A RATTY

BLANKET AND HOPING THAT SOME DAY

THE GHOST DANCE WILL RISE AGAIN

LIKE A NATIVE-AMERICAN INDIAN',

CHIEF?"

I SAW IN THE PAPER RECENTLY AND

IT SAID THERE WAS A CORRELATION

BETWEEN MOLES AND SKIN CANCER.

AND THIS FRIGHTENED ME BECAUSE

I DO HAVE...

MOLES.

SO I WENT TO SEE THE SKIN

DOCTOR--

THE DERMATOLOGIST THEY CALL

THEM--

FROM THE GREEK WORDS FOR SKIN

DOCTOR.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TRUE.

AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE NEEDED A

PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD OF MY ENTIRE

SKIN.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE--

MY ENTIRE--

WAIT.

ARE YOU SAYING...

NEXT THING I KNEW, I WAS

STANDING ON A STOOL NAKED

AND THE DERMATOLOGIST HAD

A CAMERA AND HE WAS GOING "OKAY.

NOW LIFT YOUR ARMS.

NOW TURN TO THE SIDE.

IT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

FOR ME.

I DID LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT

WHEN HE STARTED TO DAY THINGS

LIKE, "OKAY.

NOW LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER

AS IF YOU HAVE A SECRET.

YEAH.

JUST LIKE THAT.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

REALLY NICE."

SO, HE TOOK LIKE THREE ROLLS

OF PICTURES.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, FINE.

HE'LL KEEP THOSE AT HIS OFFICE.

NO.

IT TURNS OUT, WHAT THEY DO

WITH THESE PICTURES,

IS THEY MOUNT THEM IN A

PHOTO ALBUM AND SEND THEM

TO YOU.

SO I GOT IN THE MAIL A PHOTO

ALBUM FILLED WITH NAKED PICTURES

OF MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I PUT IT ON THE COFFEE

TABLE...

AND A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER

A FRIEND OF MINE WAS OVER.

SHE WAS IN THE OTHER ROOM

AND I JUST HEARD HER GO...

"OH, MY GOD.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LIKE,

"OH, I'M WORRIED WHETHER

I'M GOING TO HAVE SKIN CANCER.

SO I JUST SAID, "OH, THAT'S

MY PORTFOLIO."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M GOING TO BE FEATURED IN

NEXT MONTHS ISSUE OF

'PASTY FLAB'".

(LAUGHTER)

"OH!

AND LOOK AT THAT.

MR. SEPTEMBER HAS A SECRET."

(LAUGHTER)

YO, YO.

FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE HOMEGIRLS

WHO'S HERE WITH THEIR FRIENDS.

GIVE A WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!

(CHEERING)

YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT!

THAT'S RIGHT!

WE HANG OUT LIKE A POSSE!

WE LIKE A TEAM!

YES!

SEE, BUT YOU KNOW, WE ALL GOT

OUR JOBS ON A TEAM.

AM I CORRECT, LADIES?

WE ALL GOT OUR CERTAIN JOBS

ON THE POSSE!

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, THERE'S THE SLUT.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(CHEERS)

SHE SLEEP WITH EVERYBODY.

SHE AIN'T EVEN ASHAMED TO TELL

YOU THAT SHE SLEPT WITH HIM.

"YEAH, I HAD SEX WITH HIM.

YEAH, I HAD SEX WITH HIM.

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM.

I HAD SEX WITH HIM."

BUT THAT'S YOUR HOMEGIRL.

YOU LOVE HER.

THAT'S YOUR HOMEGIRL.

THEN THERE'S THE DRUNK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU CAN'T TAKE HER ASS NOWHERE!

YOU GIVE HER A LITTLE ALCOHOL,

SHE MESS UP THE WHOLE PARTY.

SHE FIGHTIN' THE D.J.

SHE MESSIN' UP THE BOUNCER.

AND SHE NEVER REMEMBER NOTHIN'

THE NEXT DAY.

YOU BE LIKE, "MAN, YOU MESS UP

THE WHOLE PARTY."

"MY BAD.

I MUST'VE BEEN TORE UP."

(APPLAUSE)

THEN WE GOT THE DRIVER.

SHE DRIVE EVERY OCCASION.

IT DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE HER

CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE COULD BE DRUNK, HIGH...

IT DON'T EVEN MATTER.

SHE IS THE DRIVER.

SHE IS THE BOMB.

SHE IS THE DRIVER.

THEN THERE'S THE FRIEND THAT

DON'T LIKE NOTHIN'.

"OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS

RESTAURANT.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS BED.

OH, I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU GOT

ON.

OH, THAT DRESS IS UGLY.

OH, I DON'T LIKE HIM."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU BE ASKING YOURSELF,

"WHY DO YOU KEEP MESSIN' WITH

THIS GIRL.

WHY DO YOU KEEP MESSIN' WITH

HER?"

"BECAUSE THE BITCH IS THE

DRIVER."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES IN THE

HOUSE SAY "HEY!"

(HEY!)

HEY!

WHAT'S UP, YOU LONELY BITCHES?

AH!

AH!

LADIES, LADIES!

WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL.

THAT'S WHY IT'S HARD FOR US

TO FIND A MAN.

WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL.

WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL.

WE'RE THE ONLY SPECIES THAT

WOULD SHOOT OUR MAN SIX TIMES

AND WE WOULD GO TO HIS FUNERAL

AND BE LIKE, "WHY?!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"WHY HE MAKE ME SHOOT HIM?"

(APPLAUSE)

AND WE'RE PICKY.

LADIES.

WE'RE TOO PICKY, TOO, LADIES.

PICKY, PICKY, PICK, LADIES.

PICKY AND LONELY ARE OUR

BEST FRIENDS.

AND THE ENEMY OF HAPPINESS.

WE'RE TOO PICKY, LADIES.

WE'RE TOO PICKY.

I SAT DOWN AND WROTE DOWN A LIST

OF QUALITIES THAT I WANTED FROM

A MAN.

THE TYPE OF MAN THAT'S GONNA

SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET.

THE TYPE OF MAN THAT'S GONNA

TAKE ME THERE.

AND WHEN I'M FINISH WITH THAT

LIST...

HE'S TOO DAMN GOOD FOR ME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I DON'T WANT MUCH.

I DON'T WANT MUCH.

ALL I WANT IS JUST A LITTLE

COMMITMENT.

JUST A LITTLE COMMITMENT.

BUT, BROTHERS, AND MEN,

Y'ALL COME UP WITH ALL KINDS OF

EXCUSES FOR THAT.

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU?

LISTEN TO THIS.

MAYBE YOU HEARD OF THIS, LADIES.

"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE INTELLIGENT.

I MEAN...

YOU REALLY GOT IT GOING ON.

IF I WAS GONNA HAVE A

GIRLFRIEND...

YOU WOULD BE THE ONE."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M JUST NOT READY, BABY.

I'M NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN."

HOW MANY OF YOU ALL HEARD THAT"

(CHEERS)

"FORGET YOU!

FORGET YOU!"

YOU BE LIKE, "THAT'S ALL, MAN.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA SEE ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA SEE ME NO MORE.

BUT, THREE MONTHS FROM NOW,

I AM GONNA BE FINE AS HELL.

THREE MONTHS FROM NOW YOU GONNA

BE TRYING TO GET WITH ME.

THREE MONTHS FROM NOW YOU BETTER

WATCH OUT!"

WE GO TO THE GYM.

YOU BE IN AEROBICS...

"HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!"

YOU'D BE IN TAE-BO...

"HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!

HATE HIM!"

CHARLES VAN DEVENTER>> SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT THE HELL UP!

SHUT UP!

I SAID "SHUT UP!"

SHUT UP!

QUIET!

(LAUGHTER)

AH...

I'M SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T EVEN OWN A BIKE

ACTUALLY.

I'M FROM SAN FRANCISCO...

I REALLY LIKE TO PROTEST.

YOU KNOW?

WE PROTEST CARS.

WE PROTEST WORLD TRADE.

BASICALLY, WE'RE THE MOST

PROGRESSIVE CITY IN THE WORLD,

EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO

ONE THING...

PROGRESS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NO.

I'M HERE TO TEACH.

I WILL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I USED TO LIVE IN THE

HAIT ASHBERRY.

DOWN STAIRS IN THE COFFEE SHOP

CALL "LOVE AND HATE COFFEE".

AND IT WAS DISGUSTING.

RAT INVESTED, FILTHY PLACE.

WITH DISGUSTING, RAT INVESTED,

FILTHY KIDS WORKING THERE.

WHEN YOU GO UP TO THE COUNTER,

YOU SHOULD NOT BE GREETED

BY SOMEONE WHO SAYS "SPARE SOME

CHANGE."

(LAUGHTER)

SO IT WAS NO BIG SURPRISE WHEN

THEY SAID THEY WERE GONNA CLOSE.

BUT THEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT

A BIG CORPORATE COFFEE SHOP,

WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS,

WAS GONNA OPEN UP IN THEIR

PLACE.

AND YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT HOW

WE FEEL ABOUT THE BIG CORPORATE

COFFEE SHOPS, DON'T YOU?

WITH THEIR...

GOOD COFFEE.

(LAUGHTER)

ATTENTIVE STAFF.

SO ME AND THE OTHER EIGHTEEN

PEOPLE THAT LIVED IN MY

"COMMUNITY"...

ALSO KNOWN AS A "STUDIO

APARTMENT"...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE ALL GOT TOGETHER AND WE

CHAINED OURSELVES IN FRONT OF

THE "LOVE AND HATE" COFFEE SHOP

SO IT WOULDN'T CLOSE.

COMING UP WITH SLOGANS LIKE,

"HEY, HEY!

HO, HO!

WHERE ARE THE RATS AND THE

SILVER FISH THAT LIVE IN THIS

BUILDING GONNA GO?

HEY, HEY!

HO, HO!

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"LUKE WARM COFFEE."

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"

"WHENEVER YOU'RE DONE TALKING

TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

"WE'RE HERE!

WE'RE QUEER!

IS THIS THE PARADE?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE EVERYBODY IN

SAN FRANCISCO HATES THE

CORPORATE CHAIN.

THEY JUST DO.

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS GOT TO LEARN

HOW TO PROTEST SO YOU CAN DO IT

EVEN IN THE PARABLES THAT YOU

TELL ONE ANOTHER.

FOR INSTANCE, I HAVE A DOG.

I COULDN'T FIGURE WHAT TO NAME

MY DOG.

THAT'S NOT LIKE A STATEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I COULDN'T--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S TRUE.

I HAVE A DOG.

I COULDN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT

WHAT TO NAME HIM.

SO I NAMED HIM "BILL CLINTON".

SO THAT WAY I COULD JUST BLAME

HIM FOR STUFF.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS)

"WHO KNOCKED OVER THE GARBAGE?"

"BILL CLINTON."

"WHO CHEWED UP MY WORK?"

"OH, BILL CLINTON."

"WHO SOILED THIS PERFECTLY GOOD

DRESS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"BILL CLINTON."

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