• Season 3, Ep 9
  • 06/30/2015

Amy tries to get her friend laid, stands trial as a witch and interviews a woman who used to be Amish.

So then Jeff was like,"What's your excuse for being late today?"

And I was like, "I don't havean excuse, I have a reason."

Good for you.

If your body oversleeps,it's because it needs it.


Will you stop it?

That's what got us kicked outof Guy Fieri's restaurant.

Don't say I never offered.


Let's move in together.

It's only been two weeks.

When you know, you know.Yeah.

You're low-maintenanceand it just feels okay.

It feels right to me, too.

Plus, my roommate'sall over me about rent.

She's your stepmom.Why is she even charging you?

I don't know.


I'm gonna hit the head.

Check out this update,twatters.

"Moving in..."

Don't type a thing.

Amy, it's me,you.

I time-traveled fromsix years in the future.

How does that work?I don't know.

How does electricity work?You just pay for it.

Now listen.

Five-years-in-the-future youis gonna back and talk to you.

Wait, I thought you werefrom the future.

I'm six-years-in-the-futureyou.

Five-years-in-the-future youhas bangs.

Now, she's gonna comeand she's gonna tell you--

If I should get bangsor not.

No, shut the fuck up.

She's gonna tell younot to move in with Travis.

Why not?

Becausehe cheats on you,

he gives you gonorrheaand bedbugs.

It's a nightmare.

Oh, God, I've never hadbedbugs before.

I won't move inwith him.Oh, no, no, no, no.

You have to move inwith him, okay?

It turns out that by beingwarned to break up with Travis,

the things in the futureget really screwed up

and Californiais now in the ocean.

You have to move inwith him.

Yeah, but bedbugs.

The lives of millionsdepend on you.

God, get off my back!

Huh-uh, don't chub outon me now, roomie.

I just lost aboutten LBs in the b-room.

Oh.I can't wait to move inwith you.

Me too.

How about a, uh,a celebration beej?

Travis, I think, um--


Um, will you excuse meone second?

I have to goto the bathroom.


I don't want to hearabout that shit.

What's going on?

You gotta go give himthat blowj.

What? Why?

If you don't mouth-hughis yogurt gun,

it turns out thingsget even worse

and Ebola knocks outall of France.

How could that possiblybe connected?

I don't know, it just is.

Your relationship issomehow the butterfly wings

that destroys the courseof future events.

Go get under that table!No!


You don't needto do that.

Oh, thank God,I hate giving blowjobs.

You do have to kill Travis,though.

What the fuck?

I'm not gonna botherexplaining,

because we're both stupid,but here, take this.

You have to kill Travis.

Like this?

No, just hold itlike a person.

Hold it likea human person.


(whispers)God, this fucking idiot.

I can't kill someone who'swilling to sleep with me.

She's gonna getkinda fat.

You gottabreak up with her.


Oh, shit!Oh, shit!

I'm not gonna get fat,you're gonna get fat.

Amy!Don't freak out.

I'm from the future.

You have to break upwith Travis.

He totallybreaks our heart.

Oh, my God, I lookso great with bangs!

I know, right?Ahh!


So get this--

Belinda is saying she hasfibromyalgia yet again,

which means thatI have to coverthe Houston conference.

That isso awesome, babe.

(Amy Schumer) It can happen anytime.

Oh, my God.

You're not evenlistening to me.

Now, help is at your fingertips.


ListenAlert,this is Katie.

Just stay calmand tell me your story.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, so I talked to HRand apparently,

I have to go to Houstonand I wanted to fly JetBlue,

but they're making mego on Southwest.

Here at ListenAlert, our trainedoperators are standing by,

waiting to respondto your calls,

to hear how things turned out.

We're preparedwith such phrases as,

"Are you kidding me?"

Or, "Uh-huh."

Or, "She's the worst.

Sounds like you handled thatperfectly."

Technically, I haven'tlost any weight yet,

but I feel lighter.

Oh, my God,you guys.

I totally forgot.

I saw Janelleyesterday.

Oh, my God.What was she wearing?

(inhales, then exhales)

ListenAlert, this is Jeff,tell me everything.

Don't leave outyour feelings.

I'm on my third dayof green juice,

but since I'm having a saladtonight, I think it's okay.

You should havea podcast.

ListenAlert is not justfor women.

So when I started high school,I was 5'10", 150 pounds,

then in my junior year,I shot up to like 6'2",buck-ninety.

But what size shoedid you wear?

Well, that's the thing.

Like I had alwayshad size 13s,

so I was just kindof waiting to grow.

In the casesof longer stories,

we'll even dispatch our agentsright to you.

So there is another clutchthat was 50% off,

but it wasa little smaller, like...

Is it more likea wristlet?

I'm having troublepicturing the size.

Help is on the way.

(phone beeps)

Were they buy one, get oneor buy one, get one 50% off?

It was 50% off, but it wasonly in one color.

Which color?Red.

That's a tough one.

All this is covered by a low,low price of $100,000 a month.

So it was likemy grandma's house,

but at the same time,

it was not totallymy grandma's house, like--


We are not saints.

♪ ListenAlertwe will not listen to dreams ♪

(gavel banging)

And you're certainit was these two women

who cursed your husband?

They're not women,they're witches!

(crowd shouting)

(woman)Ask him yourself!

John, tell the judgewhat you told me.

Well, last week,I was walking home

past the tavernof their employ.

And I glanced in fora mere moment

and I was struckby their dark witchcraft!

(crowd gasping)

I know notwhat happened next.

He returned home near sun-up,dark welts on his neck.


(woman)And then, tell themthe other thing.

Out with it!

My member hath been cursed!

(crowd gasps)

Since happening pasttheir tavern,

I've had a fiery painin my shaft upon evacuation

and an immense itching downthere that cannot be satiated

no matter how oft I scratch!

Night after night, these sirenscall him in his sleep,

luring him intotheir dark confusions.

Burn them!Burn the witches!

(man)Burn them!Burn them!

(gavel banging)

My husband hadthe same affliction

after meetingwith these two.

And mine.

Tell them, James,tell them.

I patronized their taverna month ago

and since that night,

my plow has beenriddled with pox.

(crowd gasps and groans)

A red raging pox!

(crowd gasps and groans)

Which one, um...

Bewitched you?

The one on the left.

Yeah, the oneon the right got me.


What was that, sir?

Oh, yeah.Yeah, they got me, too.

These two put sucha big hex on me

that I got a harrowingthrash of redness down there.

I can no longer glorify the Lordwith hand congress

'cause of you two.Oh!

I know for a factthese women are witches.

(crowd)Witches! Witches! Witches!

One, they're completelyhairless down there.

(man)That's true!

And two, they'releft-hand dominant.

I mean, they'repretty good with both,

but they're especiallygood with their left!

(crowd groans)

How do you knowof this, Lana?

Oh, they usetheir Satanic voodoo

to send me visions of theirshorn mounds in my dreams!

Don't you meannightmares?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Black magic!

(crowd shouting)

(gavel banging)Silence!

Goody Amy...

and Goody Baddy.

After hearing these charges,I have no choice

but to find youguilty of witchcraft.

(crowd exclaiming)

I hereby sentencethe both of you

to be burned at the stakeuntil you are dead.

Oh, no!

(gavel banging)

Any last words?



(crowd hissing)


(hissing continues)

(gavel banging)

Let them speak.


Oh, oh,that's delightful, mmm.


Oh, heavens.

Oh, thunderand brimstone.

Uh, upon further reviewof new evidence,

I've deciding we aresentencing them to a private--

what's calleda private burning,

where all of you peopleleave now,

and us three,it's a private ceremony.

Please, get out.Get out.

What part of"out" don't you get,

the O, U, or T?

I want to start this burningas soon as you leave.


James!What?I'm under a spell.