to make the show a success here.
And sometimes it looks a littleslap dash but we plan that.
Uh, hit it!
It seemed like the band hadno idea uh, I was going to do
that, but we workedthat out ahead of time.
Anyway, it's just a fewshopping days until Christmas.
And uh, we uh, youknow, we're really
looking forward to the holidays.
ANNOUNCER: It's--it's early May.
I-- that's Harvey, our director.
But I-- yeah, I know that.
Don't worry, they'lledit this out.
Anyway, Harvey, I know that.
But you know, theyair these shows
over and over all the time.
So it's bound to be on nearChristmas sometime, right?
Like the stopped clockis right twice a day.
Um, so, anyway, and,and besides, I always
wanted to have myown Christmas show.
You know what I mean?
They always just MerryChristmas, everybody.
They're always so sincere likethey really care about you.
They don't care about you.
Not-- I do.
They don't I care about you.
Not in that cheap sexual waylike those other hosts, either.
I mean-- like Bing Crosby.
He loved those kids!
So anyway, don't you justhate it when you go out
and you go out shoppingfor your Christmas tree
and uh, you gottago see the tree
guy who was alsothe pumpkin guy.
Don't think I'm notwise to that game.
Happy Halloween, by the way.
And uh, the uh, theuh, the pumpkin guy.
I got a theory that Halloweenwas started by the pumpkin guy
a long time ago.
You know how greeting cardcompanies and flower companies
get-- start this Grandparents'Day and Secretary's Week.
Pretty soon there'll beso many bogus holidays,
that a normal relaxing weekendwill be a holiday that you
celebrate by having a cup ofcoffee in your underpants.
"Underpants" is afunny word, by the way.
Uh, even like in anormal sentence, right?
Like I answered thephone in my underpants.
I'm so trendy.
But I am not astrendy as some people.
My best friend is so trendy.
She has everything on her headpierced that you can pierce.
Like her eyebrow, hernose, her lip, her tongue.
Everything except her ears.
I'm like, why don'tyou pierce your ears?
Oh, that's not really me.
What are you talking about?
You look like you wereattacked by a BeDazzler.
My name is MargaretCho and I'm Korean.
I am so Korean.
I even have a Korean name.
My Korean name is Moran.
Which is a pretty name but youhave to understand I've heard
my mother scream itfrom across the hills.
I'm sure you can relate.
My mother has a problemwith blind intersections
she will sit there for avery long time and rant.
[korean accent] Theynever give you a chance!
[normal voice] I used to getso busted when I was a teenager
because I was so into thefilm "Flashdance," that I cut
the neck out ofall my sweatshirts.
My mom was overit. [korean accent]
Why you cut theneck out the shirt?
Why you cut the-- oh.
Well, I think youare the maniac.
[normal voice] Sheused to spoil me.
She got me a FarrahFawcett fashion head.
Just her head on a platter.
It was like this weird Barbieas John the Baptist kind
of a-- Bring me thehead of Skipper!
One time I took a magicmarker and I tried
to make Egytptian eyelineron her eye and I messed up,
so I tried to take it offwith nail polish remover
and I accidentallyremoved her entire eye.
very into like early '80s stuff.
Like early '80s music.
I loved the musicthen because it
was such an Oh, MickeyYou're So Fine time.
It was such andEye of the Tiger,
Thrill of the Fight time.
My family neverhad any money then.
So I couldn't buy recordsor tapes or anything,
so I would tapesongs off the radio.
I'm sure you didthat before, right?
Except I didn't have aradio inside my tape deck,
so I'd have to hold theradio up to the tape deck.
So on all my old tapes you couldhear my mother screaming at me:
[korean accent] Moran!
This is the best jobI've ever had in my life.
I've had somereally strange jobs.
Like I used to workat this S & M store.
Like adult bookstore place.
And it was kind of weirdbecause I got that job right
after working ata clothing store.
So the adjustmentwas not that simple.
Oh, wow that dildo goesreally good with your eyes.
I think I would beinto deviant sex
if I had somebodyto have sex with.
I just have problemswith that, you know?
I-- the last guyI went out with he
was just so-- I don'tknow-- he was hopeless.
He said if I broke up with himthat he would kill himself.
And I broke up with himbut he's not dead yet.
And I wanna call him up andgo, you know, what's the deal?
I thought we had an agreement.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Do I look-- do I lookenough like every doorman
in every mob-run socialclub you've ever seen?
Well, I was a little late comingdown here, I'm glad to be.
I got stuck behind one ofthose emergency medical trucks.
I appreciate it.
They have a new thing now.
They're going to hire somedrivers from Domino's.
If they don't get therein the first 30 minutes,
your burial is free.
And they'll throwin a pizza, too.
Folks, let's bring itto the point right here.
These shootings in New York.
We have like stray bullets.
People getting hit withstray bullets everywhere.
Remember when you were young,go out with your family
for the family drive, youfight with your brothers
for the window seat?
Now kids fight tosit in the middle.
It's like, I'll sit on thehump, just shield me, OK?
That's very nice.
Very nice, sure.
And what's the story withNew York-- I don't know
if everywhere elsein the country,
are they are obsessedwith supermodels?
Do you have to read about thislike every day, everywhere?
You know, who cares?
What exactly is asupermodel, anyway?
What is it, like inbetween modeling shoots,
they fight crime?
Like, stop or I'llpose, I swear to God.
Of course beingItalian, I'm Italian.
Superman was my hero.
Italians up there.
Right up therewhere they're sure
nobody could sneak up on them.
That was good.
But Superman, I don'tknow if you know this.
Superman was Italian.
Oh sure he was.I'll give you the proof.
What happens whenever there'strouble, what does he do?
Runs to a phone booth,makes one phone call.
They love to threaten you.
It's like a big thing inNew York, threatening you.
I got threatened the otherday, the guy's about this tall.
Comes up to me, goes, youdon't know who my family is.
Let me take a guess.
Of course when you're Italian,your reputation precedes you,
you know what I mean.
I was at a bar theother night, this guy's
giving me some trouble.
Straightened him right out.
Said, hey man, Italian.
You know what that means?
Said, yeah, you still liveat home with your mother.
Obviously must have seenme around the neighborhood
My mother's been trying toembarrass me out of the house
That's like her new move.
In front of thewhole neighborhood
she goes, you know, at hisage he doesn't pay rent,
he lays around all day,he doesn't do anything.
And all my marriedfriends are going,
damn, I wish that was me.
I'm like the king ofthe neighborhood now.
Of course when you're Italian,you have chores to do,
you know what I mean?You live at home.
Unless you have a sister.
I don't know why that is.
But it's like, the sister doesall the chores and our job
is like, not to get arrested.
We're not really good atthat one either, are we?
But I don't have a sister.
So I have to like do all thechores, you know what I mean?
Like walk the dog, wash the tub.
The other day she had mepolishing doorknobs, brass.
So I drew the line.
You know, I said mom, I'mnot doing this anymore.
I'm an artist.
Then she made mepaint the house.
And then she tells me likeI'm not a good catch either,
you know what I mean.
Now, I'll tell you something.
Any single women here?
I want to let youknow right now--
I want to let you know rightnow, I am great in bed.
I could sleep 12-14hours at a clip.
Let me ask the guys, haveyou ever tried to get a woman
to watch a porno film with you?
Yeah, you lying bastards, huh.
I did that last week.
You know, like, we're watchingand see, I have to be easy.
I have to go, come on justtry it, you know just try it.
Five minutes into itshe goes, wait a second.
This is the good part.
Apparently you'veseen this, sure.
Of course, I'm not alone.
I think everybody'slittle kinky, don't you?
Lying bastards again, thank you.
I'll tell you the truth.
I went on a datelast week, you know.
I call the woman up and I said,listen, I like to be dominated.
So she brought my mother along.
Ended up having tovacuum the restaurant.
Thanks a lot, folks.I gotta go to my other job.
I got some money to collect.
I got to town alittle bit early.
I went to the movies.
I saw that movie, "Alive."
Did you see that movie?
Movie where the planecrashes and they
eat each other to stay alive.
And I'm thinking,hey, this is one movie
they won't be showingon the airlines.
No, not because theplane crashed, the fact
that the people inthe movie are eating
better than thepeople on the plane.
We need a volunteerfrom the audience.
Let's get somebody.
Why don't you come up?
What's you name?
Becky, have a seat.
Becky, do youbelieve in mentalism?
Let me explain it to you, Becky.
You're ever sittingat home, the phone
rings, you go to pick it up,you sort of know who's there?
Yeah, that's the phone system.
That's got nothingto do with this.
This deals more withtelekinesis, which is being
able to make thingsmove with your mind.
Do you ever come home reallydrunk and the room spins?
What I want you todo is take a card.
Sir, I want you to take a card.OK?
So I do this likesix or seven times.
You just sit there reallycocky and I keep doing that.
And when you're not expecting,I go over to my bag,
I grab a real deck andsmack you in the head.
And laugh my ass off.
Because to me,that's good comedy.
Whoa, not quickenough grasshopper.
What I want you to do, is I wantyou to take a card, any card,
go for it.
It's a joke.
I'm not going to hurt you.
That's really funny, man.
There's like two.
Think I'm going to hurt myselffor your personal pleasure?
We got here a deck of cards.
All differ from oneanother, correct?
That's how we tell them apart.
All right, what Iwant you to do is
take one card out of the deck.
Don't let me influenceyour decision.
It's free selection.Go for it, Becky.
Good choice, Beck.
That card must've been the four.
I start off slow.
I'm going to gothrough like this.
You just tell me when to stop.
Here we go.
Take the card like this.
Do not look at it.
Just put your hand rightover it, like this.
What you do, is you're goingto stand up and face that way.
I'm going to face this way.
We're going to stand shoulderto shoulder, back to back.
This way you can hold thecard out in front of you,
get a good look, and youknow that I can't see it.
Shoulder against shoulder.
Hold it up at an arm'slength, get a real good look.
Now what I want you to sit down.
Just sit on the card face up.
Face up, it's amind reading thing.
Because in this envelopethat's clearly marked "Danger,
Spooky Stuff Inside."
I have somepredictions that I knew
about you before I even met you.
So here's how we play the game.
If I hold up theenvelope, as a group
we scream, as loud aswe possibly can, Danger.
I turn this over, wego, spooky stuff inside.
I stand here likethis, and we go, ooh.
Do once a littledress rehearsal.
Screw this up, give meany attitude problem,
we're here till like 10 o'clock.
Here we go.
In this envelopethat's clearly marked.
Spooky stuff inside.
-That was beautiful.
I got a little tear in my eye.
All right, make likeyou never saw this.
We're now going to attemptto read Becky's mind.
Put your head all the way back.
Open your mouth really wide.
Still sitting onthe card, huh Beck?
That's not going to work.
Second part, when I go, butit doesn't matter, you go, No.
Looks like that's not going towork, but it doesn't matter.
In this envelopethat's clearly marked.
Spooky stuff inside.
-We have the lastand final prediction.
Prediction of yourfavorite movie star.
I'm going to tell the room whatthe favorite movie star-- no,
actually going tothe card first.
Because we ran out of time.
It was a rectangular card.
It's a picture card.
Ladies and gentlemen, hercard was the queen of hearts.
Oh, you lying little bitch.
What was your card?
King of clubs.
Ha ha ha.
Did it look like this?
-Hey, don't be real impressed.
It's like no bigspooky stuff going on.
Let's give Becky abig round of applause.