Finger Magnets

  • Season 2, Ep 7
  • 02/25/2014

The Rich Dicks join a cyber revolution, young Larry Bird competes in a two-point shooting contest, and PubLIZity's Cassandra gets her own reality show.

- FELT VERY CONSTRICTING.

- EVERY DAY WAS FILLEDWITH FEAR AND ANXIETY.

- I JUST WOULD LIKE TO GET UPTODAY AND LIVE A NORMAL LIFE.

- WHEN I WASON THE SAN DIEGO DIET,

I WAS THIN AND SAD.

BUT TODAY...

[crowd ohs]

I'M INTRODUCINGTHE SAN DIEGO MINDSET.

EVERY TIME I GOT SKINNY,I'D GET DEPRESSED.

I WOULD START TAKING ALL TYPESOF PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS.

THEY WERE POISONING MY BODY.

BUT THEN I STARTED EATINGTHE FOOD I WANTED TO EAT,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,I DIDN'T NEED ANY DRUGS.

[belches]

both: WE'RE GOINGTO SAN DIEGO IN HERE.

- THERE IS NO PAIN,NO RESTRICTIONS.

- IT'S TIME FOR YOUTO UNLOCK THE SECRET

THAT GENERATIONS OF PEOPLEHAVE KNOWN.

EVERY SINGLE PHARAOHHAD A FAVORITE FOOD,

AND HE WOULD EAT THAT FOODWHEN HE HAD TO MAKE

IMPORTANT DECISIONS.

WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLNFREED THE SLAVES

AND MADE THIS COUNTRY EQUAL,HE ATE A MEAL.

AND NOW WE LIVEIN THE INTEGRATED SOCIETY

THAT WE BLESSOUR COUNTRY WITH TODAY.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING

THAT THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRYAND THE DIET INDUSTRY

WILL NEVER TELL YOU,

IS THAT ALIENSARE ALWAYS EATING FOOD.

THEY ARE EATING BIG MEALSEVERY DAY ON THE SPACESHIPS

THAT THEY'RE FLYINGTHROUGH SPACE ON TO GET TO US.

WHY DO YOU THINK THOSE ALIENSARE ALWAYS TRYING TO EAT HUMANS?

BECAUSE HUMANS ARE ICE CREAMTO ALIENS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNATELL YOU A LOT OF THINGS,

BUT LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING RIGHT NOW, FRIEND.

- [ominous voice]WE ARE THE NAMELESS.

WE AREA WORLDWIDE ORGANIZATION

DEDICATED TO BRINGING DOWNTHE PARASITIC SYSTEM

KNOWN AS SOCIETY.

YOU HAVE TWO MINUTESTO TELL ME

JUST EXACTLYWHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

[normal voice]OKAY?

- THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.THIS IS A SWEET LAIR.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- WE WANT IN.ARE YOU HIRING?

- THIS ISN'T A JOB.

IT'S A REVOLUTIONARYORGANIZATION.

- WHAT'S THE DIZWITH THE FINGY MAGS?

- ALL OF US CITIZEN SCIENTISTSHAVE THESE FINGER MAGNETS.

- SO THAT'S FOR PICKING UP,LIKE, PAPER CLIPS OR...

- YEAH, YOU CAN PICK UPREALLY ANYTHING METAL

AS LONGAS IT'S NOT TOO HEAVY.

- WELL, LIKE,WE'RE THE MOST TECH

OUT OF ALL OUR FRIENDS,LIKE--

- IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING TECH.

IT'S ABOUT REALIZINGTHAT STRUCTURE IS AN ILLUSION.

- BUT ARE YOU THE LEADEROF THIS ORGANIZATION?

- YEAH.- SO IS THAT LIKE--

- OKAY, DON'T.DON'T DO THAT.

- SHAWN BANKIS MY DADDY'S BANK.

WE WANNA HELP YOUBRING IT DOWN.

- YOUR DADDY'S BANK, HUH?

- AND HE'S BEING A [bleep] DICKTO US AT THE GOLF COURSE.

- I HAVE DADDY ISSUES TOO.

I MEAN, I AMA WALKING REPRESENTATION

OF HAVING ISSUESWITH YOUR FATHER.

- PRETTY SELF-AWARE.

- ALL RIGHT.

CAN YOU GET ME SECURITY CODES?- TOTALLY, YEAH.

- THIS IS SOMETHINGTHAT WE DEFINITELY WANNA DO.

- TAKE THESE TWO RICH DICKSTO INITIATION.

- THANKS.

IS THAT, LIKE,A BIG [bleep] FEST?

- ♪ ALL MY FEARS

♪ FLOAT AROUND ME

♪ LIKE BUTTERFLY

♪ AND IN OUR EYES

♪ NO REDEMPTIONS

♪ NO EXCEPTIONS

♪ NO FREEDOM

♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPE FROM

- OH!

TOTALLY WORTH IT.

- [scatting]

HEY, LIZ, WHAT'S UP?

- I'M JUST GETTING STARTED

ON, LIKE, AN AMAZINGLYSCATHING EMAIL.

I'M SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME,

AND I FIND, LIKE, EMAIL'S,LIKE, A REALLY GOOD PLACE

TO TAKE OUT THAT ANGER

AND SORT OF, LIKE,IN A LOGICAL, VERY FIERY WAY.

- [belches]

- OH, MY GOD.ARE YOU OKAY?

- LIZ.- WHAT?

- I'M PREGNANT.

- WAIT.WHAT?

PREGNANT?

- THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIMEI'VE TOLD LIZ

ABOUT MY PREGNANCY.

BUT, LIKE, YOU'RE CARRYINGTHIS ONE TO TERM?

- I DECIDED TO KEEP THIS ONE.

LIKE, I KNOW MANY OTHERSHAVE FALLEN AWAY.

- FIRST OFF, I FEEL, LIKE,BLINDSIDED BY THIS.

LIKE, SECOND OF ALL...- HOW DARE YOU?

- LIKE, CONGRATULATIONS.- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

[slurping]

- UM, JUST ONE QUICK--

- CASSANDRA, JUST WAITFOR, LIKE, A NATURAL LULL

IN THE CONVERSATION.

[slurping]

- SO I REALLY LOVEDWORKING HERE.

- OBVI.

- BUT THE TIME HAS COMEFOR ME TO MOVE ON.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I AM NOT GONNALEAVE YOU GUYS IN THE LURCH.

I'VE ALREADY FOUNDMY REPLACEMENT.

I'M GONNA TRAIN HIMREALLY, REALLY WELL

SO THAT NO BUSINESSIS INTERRUPTED IN ANY WAY.

- LIKE, HONESTLY, CASSANDRA,

LIKE, AND I'M, LIKE,AN OPEN, KIND SPIRIT,

AND, LIKE, I DON'THOLD A GRUDGE.

SO I JUST WANNA SAY, LIKE,I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU

THAT YOU'RE, LIKE,TAKING TIME TO, LIKE,

GO OUT THEREAND, LIKE, DO NOTHING

AND, LIKE,TRY AND FIND YOURSELF

AND JUST, LIKE, FIND OUTIF YOUR PERSONALITY IS.

- ♪ WE'RE A TEAM

- I GOT MY OWN REALITY SHOW.

- WHAT?

- IT'S ABOUT MEAND MY FAMILY.

- WHAT?- [belches]

- LIZ, HOW DOES YOUR BACKFEEL RIGHT NOW?

- YOU KNOW WHAT,ACTUALLY, LIKE,

MY BACK HURTS ME A BIT BECAUSEI'M PREGNANT, FIRST OF ALL.

- WAIT, WHAT?

- I'M HAVING A BABY.

- ANYTHINGTHAT MAKES ME QUESTION

MY OWN PLACEIN MY OWN LIFE,

I BLACK IT OUT.

LIZ MIGHT BE PREGNANTWITH A BABY RIGHT NOW,

BUT I AM PREGNANTWITH FURIOSITY, OKAY?

AND I AM NOT TAKING EPIDURAL,

'CAUSE I WANNA FEELEVERYTHING.

- ♪ WE WORKTHE HARD, HONEST JOB ♪

♪ WE ATE OUR CORNOFF THE COBB ♪

♪ WE WEREPROUD YOUNG AMERICANS ♪

♪ OOH YEAH

- HEY, MA.

I FINISHED PLOWINGTHE FIELDS.

- [sniffles]

- I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.

I'LL GO FASTER NEXT TIME,

ALTHOUGH I DO LIKETO BE BY MYSELF.

WHAT'S WRONG, MA?

- OUR HOUSEIS BEING FORECLOSED ON.

YOUR FATHER HAS GONE ONDOWN TO THE BANK

TO BEG FOR MERCY.

- [sighs]WELL...

I DID SEE THIS FLYER FORA TWO-POINT SHOOTING CONTEST.

I COULD ENTER IT,

AND IF WE WIN ENOUGH MONEY,WE COULD SAVE THE HOUSE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PASAYS ABOUT SHOOTING,

THAT SHOOTING'S FOR SHOW-OFFS.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCHYOUR FATHER LOVES FUNDAMENTALS.

- BUT, MA, I GOTTHE SWEETEST STROKE AROUND.

ASK ANY OF THE COWS.

[crack]OW, MY BACK.

- OH, LARRY, LIE DOWN.

- [groans]

- OH, LARRY,I BELIEVE IN YOU.

I CAN DRIVE YOU TOTHE TWO-POINT SHOOTING CONTEST.

- [sighs]TAPE ME UP.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ WE DIDN'T SLOUCHWHEN WE WALKED ♪

♪ WE DIDN'T CUSSWHEN WE TALKED ♪

♪ WE WEREPROUD YOUNG AMERICANS ♪

♪ OOH YEAH

[indistinct chatter]

- HELLO, MRS. THOMPSON.

- AREN'T YOU GONNAGET TO STRETCHING?

- I DON'T STRETCH.STRETCHING'S FOR SHOW-OFFS.

- MY BALL PLAYINGDOES THE TALKING FOR ME, SO...

- [chuckles]

- [blows whistle]

[funk music]

[cheers and applause]

[blows whistle]

[cheers and applause]

[blows whistle]

- COME ON, LARRY,YOU LAZY BUM.

YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING.

NEVER DONE ANYTHINGIN YOUR LIFE.

WHY DON'T YOU GOAND DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF

INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUNDAND BEING A LAZY "B"?

[dramatic music][back cracking]

[cheers and applause]

[somber music]

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PASAYS ABOUT SHOOTING,

THAT SHOOTING'S FOR SHOW-OFFS.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR FATHERLOVES FUNDAMENTALS.

- COME ON, LARRY,YOU LAZY BUM.

YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING.

NEVER DID ANYTHINGIN YOUR LIFE.

[funk music]

[cheers and applause]

- OH, MY BOY.

- I DIDN'T WIN THE MONEYTO SAVE THE FARM.

- NO HOUSE COULD BE WORTHMORE THAN THE PRIDE I HAVE

IN YOUR FUNDAMENTALS.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVETO LIVE IN THE CAR NOW.

- YOU GOT A LOT OF TALENT,LARRY BIRD.

- MAKE NO MISTAKE,MAGIC JOHNSON,

I WILL [bleep] END YOU.

[chuckles]

- ♪ WE SAID OUR PRAYERSBEFORE BED ♪

♪ WE DIDN'T SEX TILL WE WED

♪ WE WEREPROUD YOUNG AMERICANS ♪

♪ OOH YEAH

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