Novak, Rawlings, Lawless, Liberman

  • Season 7, Ep 705
  • 12/26/2003

D.L. Hughley stars in Premium Blend featuring BJ Novak, Avi Liberman, Heather Lawless and Finesse Mitchell.

I LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE.

IT WAS REALLY KIND OF MY OWNFAULT.

I HAD A DOUBLE MAJOR, PSYCHOLOGYAND REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO SPONSOR AN ORPHAN IN

SOUTH AMERICA, UNTIL I SAW ON TVTHAT FOR THE SAME COST I CAN

BUY MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEEEVERY DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BATTERED WOMEN...

SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD WHY

THESE TERRORISTS ARE SO HIGHLYMOTIVATED, WE'VE ALL HEARD THIS,

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TOLD THATWAITING FOR THEM IN HEAVEN

ARE 72 VIRGINS, AND FOR THOSETERRORISTS, THAT'S A GREAT THING

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

FOR THOSE VIRGINS, HEAVEN ISN'TQUITE WHAT THEY EXPECTED, IS IT?

[LAUGHTER]I WOULD HATE TO GET THAT TALK

AS A YOUNG CHILD: "YOU BE A GOODLITTLE GIRL.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A BURKA.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A VEIL.

YOU MAY NOT GO TO SCHOOL.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE A JOB.

YOU MAY NOT LEARN TO READ.

YOU MAY NOT VOTE.

YOU MAY NOT DRIVE A CAR.

YOU MAY NOT SING, DANCE,PLAY GAMES, OR LISTEN TO MUSIC.

YOU MUST LIVE A LIFE OF ABSOLUTEHUMILITY AND CELIBACY, AND WHEN

YOU DIE YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN...

WHERE YOU WILL BE A SEX SLAVEFOR TERRORISTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S WHAT I THINKWE SHOULD DO.

PAULA ABDUL IS HALF ARABAND HALF JEW.

WE SHOULD SEND HER TO THEMIDDLE EAST AND HOPEFULLY

THAT WILL BE THE END OF HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD HAVE DINNER WITH

ONE PERSON, ALIVE OR DEAD,I THINK I WOULD CHOOSE...

ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE AIRLINES ARE ALL BANKRUPTNOW, ALL OF THEM.

THINGS ARE ALREADY DIFFERENT.

IT'S ALREADY A DIFFERENTEXPERIENCE.

I WAS IN A PLANE FOUR DAYS AGO,CROSS-COUNTRY FLIGHT ON A

MAJOR AIRLINE, AND--THIS IS ALL TRUE--

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FLIGHTTHE PLANE TOOK A NOSE-DIVE.

FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS WE WEREIN TOTAL FREE FALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THEY TRIEDTO SELL US PICTURES OF US

LOOKING TERRIFIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR 8.95.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE IT.

BUT STILL...

I LIVE IN BROWNSVILLE, MAN.

BROWNSVILLE.

THAT'S LIKE A MILITARY WAR ZONE.

THAT'S LIKE FIVE KUWAITIS AND

EIGHT BAGHDAD'S IN ONE BLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ALL MY FRIENDS,

THEY THINK-- YOU KNOW,

ALL OF THEM THUGS.

ALL THEY DO IS DRINK AND SMOKE.

ALL THEY DO ALL DAY BUT THEY

SENSITIVE.

LIKE AFTER 9-11 THEY THOUGHT

THEY WAS PATRIOTIC.

THEY TELLING ME WHAT THEIR

MILITARY STRATEGY IS GOING TO BE

THE NEXT DAY WITH A JOINT IN

THEIR MOUTH.

"[INHALES] YO, SON, WE'RE GOING

TO KNOCK THEM DUDES OUT.

THAT'S MY WORD, SON."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT DUDES?"

"[INHALES] THEM DUDES FROM

ASSGAN, SON.

[INHALES] WE KNOCKIN' THEM ALL

OUT."

AND I ASKED THIS ONE GUY,

I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE,

I'M LIKE, "YO, WHY YOU MAD?"

"[INHALES] YO, DOG, HOW ARE THEY

GOING TO TRY TO BLOW UP THE

OCTAGON, SON?

[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "DUMMY, IT'S THE

PENTAGON."

"[INHALES] YO, OCTAGON, HETAGON,

IT'S GONE, SON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON."

THIS ONE DUDE THOUGHT

OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS THREE PEOPLE

AND HE WAS SERIOUS.

"[INHALES] YO, WORD TO MY

MOTHER, I'M KNOCKING OUT OSAMA,

I'M KNOCKING OUT BEN,

AND I'M KNOCKING OUT LADEN.

THEY TRIED TO JUMP ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WE HAD THE IRAQI FREEDOM

WAR.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE OVER

THERE, MAN.

WE HAVEN'T FOUND NOTHING.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE FOREVER,

WE AIN'T FOUND NOTHING.

NO BIN LADEN, NO SADDAM,

NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

NO URANIUM, NO ALUMINUM FOIL,

NO NEMO, NOTHING.

THE ONLY THING WE'VE FOUND

SINCE WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE IS

$700 MILLION.

REMEMBER THAT STORY?

THE TWO SERGEANTS FOUND

$700 MILLION IN A CAVE.

NOW, I KNEW THEY WAS WHITE BOYS

AS SOON AS I HEARD THEY GAVE

ALL THAT MONEY BACK, MAN.

WHITE BOYS TOO PATRIOTIC.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A

PURPLE HEART.

"CAPTAIN, LOOK.

WE FOUND $700 MILLION.

HERE, TAKE IT.

THANK YOU, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TOO HONEST.

IF THAT WAS ME, I WOULD HAVE

REPORTED IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN A DIFFERENT AMOUNT.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "YO, YO, YO,

CAPTAIN!

LISTEN, MAN, WE JUST FOUND

$48.92.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WANT Y'ALL TO TAKE THAT."

I'M DONNELL RAWLINGS.

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