Novak, Rawlings, Lawless, Liberman

  • Season 7, Ep 705
  • 12/26/2003

B.J. Novak quits sponsoring orphans, Donnell Rawlings's friends strategize against terrorists, Heather Lawless knows she's a winner, and Avi Liberman has money troubles.

DON'T LIKE THEIR JOB.

EVERYBODY...

LIKE, THE JOB AIN'T SO BAD,

IT'S THE PEOPLE THAT YOU WORK

WITH.

THE WORST DAY OF MY JOB

IS BETTER THAN THE BEST DAY

OF MOST.

BUT MY FATHER, MAN, I REMEMBER,

I CALLED HIM AT WORK, TOLD HIM

I HAD A TV SHOW...

HE QUIT HIS JOB THAT DAY.

DADDY I GOT A TV SHOW.

"WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

DAMN Y'ALL."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, AH, "WHO GONNA PAY YOUR

BILLS?"

"YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD BUT HE

WANTED THE SAME STUFF I GET.

I GET A NEW CAR...

"SAY, SON, WHEN AM I GONNA GET

A NEW CAR?"

"WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO TELL SOME

(BLEEP)-DAMN JOKES.

THAT'S WHEN YOU WILL GET

A NEW CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

"NEVER BUY ME NOTHIN'.

CALLED ME LAST WEEK,

"MY DIABETES ACTING UP,

THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S GONNA BE

$100,000 TO SAVE MY LEG."

I'M LIKE "DADDY, YOU DONE WALK

ENOUGH.

YOU DONE HAVE TWO LEGS FOR

70 YEARS, YOU CAN HOP THEM

LAST TEN ON ONE LEG.

YOU JUST SELFISH, THAT'S YOUR

DAMN PROBLEM, YOU SELFISH.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SON, I LOVE A LOT BUT I THINK

SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

ANYBODY GOT A SON AT HOME

YOU PRETTY SURE SOMETHING WRONG

WITH HIM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET HIM TESTED

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THAT

LITTLE SQUARE BUS PULLING

UP FRONT OF YOUR DAMN HOUSE,

SO YOU JUST KIND OF DEAL WITH

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM,

HE JUST DIFFERENT.

NO, HE DIFFERENT AS HELL,

THAT'S WHAT THE HELL HE IS.

SEE THAT'S WHAT IT IS,

WHITE FOLK, Y'ALL GOT SOMEBODY

WHO'S KIND OF SLOW, Y'ALL SENT

'EM TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL.

BLACK FOLK WON'T EVEN ADMIT

THEIR CHILD GOT NO PROBLEM.

"GET YO' CRAZY ASS IN THIS

HOUSE!

AIN'T (BLEEP) WRONG WITH THAT

BOY.

HE ALWAYS WEARS A FOOTBALL

HELMET AND COWBOY BOOTS.

GET YO' CRAZY ASS IN THIS

HOUSE!"

YOU KNOW HE CRAZY, 35 YEARS OLD

WITH SPIDER-MAN UNDERWEAR ON.

[LAUGHTER]

STANDING IN THE SCREEN DOOR

EATING GRAHAM CRACKERS.

[APPLAUSE]

I LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE.

IT WAS REALLY KIND OF MY OWNFAULT.

I HAD A DOUBLE MAJOR, PSYCHOLOGYAND REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO SPONSOR AN ORPHAN IN

SOUTH AMERICA, UNTIL I SAW ON TVTHAT FOR THE SAME COST I CAN

BUY MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEEEVERY DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BATTERED WOMEN...

SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD WHY

THESE TERRORISTS ARE SO HIGHLYMOTIVATED, WE'VE ALL HEARD THIS,

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TOLD THATWAITING FOR THEM IN HEAVEN

ARE 72 VIRGINS, AND FOR THOSETERRORISTS, THAT'S A GREAT THING

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

FOR THOSE VIRGINS, HEAVEN ISN'TQUITE WHAT THEY EXPECTED, IS IT?

[LAUGHTER]I WOULD HATE TO GET THAT TALK

AS A YOUNG CHILD: "YOU BE A GOODLITTLE GIRL.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A BURKA.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A VEIL.

YOU MAY NOT GO TO SCHOOL.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE A JOB.

YOU MAY NOT LEARN TO READ.

YOU MAY NOT VOTE.

YOU MAY NOT DRIVE A CAR.

YOU MAY NOT SING, DANCE,PLAY GAMES, OR LISTEN TO MUSIC.

YOU MUST LIVE A LIFE OF ABSOLUTEHUMILITY AND CELIBACY, AND WHEN

YOU DIE YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN...

WHERE YOU WILL BE A SEX SLAVEFOR TERRORISTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S WHAT I THINKWE SHOULD DO.

PAULA ABDUL IS HALF ARABAND HALF JEW.

WE SHOULD SEND HER TO THEMIDDLE EAST AND HOPEFULLY

THAT WILL BE THE END OF HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD HAVE DINNER WITH

ONE PERSON, ALIVE OR DEAD,I THINK I WOULD CHOOSE...

ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE AIRLINES ARE ALL BANKRUPTNOW, ALL OF THEM.

THINGS ARE ALREADY DIFFERENT.

IT'S ALREADY A DIFFERENTEXPERIENCE.

I WAS IN A PLANE FOUR DAYS AGO,CROSS-COUNTRY FLIGHT ON A

MAJOR AIRLINE, AND--THIS IS ALL TRUE--

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FLIGHTTHE PLANE TOOK A NOSE-DIVE.

FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS WE WEREIN TOTAL FREE FALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THEY TRIEDTO SELL US PICTURES OF US

LOOKING TERRIFIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR 8.95.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE IT.

BUT STILL...

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I'M NOT USED TO PERFORMING

FOR THIS MANY WHITE PEOPLE.

LAST TIME I SAW THIS MANY

WHITE PEOPLE I WAS IN COURT.

[LAUGHTER]

COMEDY'S A TOUGH JOB, MAN.

I'VE GOT FRIENDS THAT GOT COOL

JOBS.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE'S A PORNO

STAR.

GUESS HOW HE GOT DISCOVERED.

THIS GIRL SAT ON HIS LAP

SHE WAS LIKE, "OOH, YOU SHOULD

DO PORNO."

[LAUGHTER]

SAME GIRL SAT ON MY LAP

AND WAS LIKE, "OOH, YOU SHOULD

TELL JOKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST HAD A BABY GIRL.

Y'ALL CAN GIVE ME A ROUND

OF APPLAUSE FOR THAT.

BROTHER'S HAD A BABY GIRL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

MY DAUGHTER WEIGHED 27 POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS THREE YEARS OLD.

SHE WAS DELIVERED TO ME

BY WAY OF THE COURT SYSTEM

AND A BLOOD TEST.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN EUROPE SIX MONTHS AGO

I WAS AT AMSTERDAM.

AMSTERDAM IS THE PARTY CITY

OF THE WORLD, MAN.

IN AMSTERDAM, EVERYTHING IS

LEGAL.

MARIJUANA AND PROSTITUTION

IS LEGAL.

BUT THEY DON'T SMOKE--

NO, DON'T CLAP.

THEY DON'T SMOKE ANYWHERE.

THEY GOT WHAT THEY CALL A

COFFEE SHOP.

THEY TRY TO TRICK YOU AND

DISGUISE IT.

THEY COULDN'T TRICK ME.

I WAS DRINKING COFFEE SEVEN DAYS

A WEEK.

I GOT BACK TO NEW YORK, I ALMOST

GOT ARRESTED IN STARBUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO STARBUCKS, I SAID,

"LET ME GET A NICKEL BAG OF

HAZELNUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH.

LET ME GET A QUARTER POUND

OF AMARETTO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVE IN BROWNSVILLE, MAN.

BROWNSVILLE.

THAT'S LIKE A MILITARY WAR ZONE.

THAT'S LIKE FIVE KUWAITIS AND

EIGHT BAGHDAD'S IN ONE BLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ALL MY FRIENDS,

THEY THINK-- YOU KNOW,

ALL OF THEM THUGS.

ALL THEY DO IS DRINK AND SMOKE.

ALL THEY DO ALL DAY BUT THEY

SENSITIVE.

LIKE AFTER 9-11 THEY THOUGHT

THEY WAS PATRIOTIC.

THEY TELLING ME WHAT THEIR

MILITARY STRATEGY IS GOING TO BE

THE NEXT DAY WITH A JOINT IN

THEIR MOUTH.

"[INHALES] YO, SON, WE'RE GOING

TO KNOCK THEM DUDES OUT.

THAT'S MY WORD, SON."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT DUDES?"

"[INHALES] THEM DUDES FROM

ASSGAN, SON.

[INHALES] WE KNOCKIN' THEM ALL

OUT."

AND I ASKED THIS ONE GUY,

I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE,

I'M LIKE, "YO, WHY YOU MAD?"

"[INHALES] YO, DOG, HOW ARE THEY

GOING TO TRY TO BLOW UP THE

OCTAGON, SON?

[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "DUMMY, IT'S THE

PENTAGON."

"[INHALES] YO, OCTAGON, HETAGON,

IT'S GONE, SON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON."

THIS ONE DUDE THOUGHT

OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS THREE PEOPLE

AND HE WAS SERIOUS.

"[INHALES] YO, WORD TO MY

MOTHER, I'M KNOCKING OUT OSAMA,

I'M KNOCKING OUT BEN,

AND I'M KNOCKING OUT LADEN.

THEY TRIED TO JUMP ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WE HAD THE IRAQI FREEDOM

WAR.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE OVER

THERE, MAN.

WE HAVEN'T FOUND NOTHING.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE FOREVER,

WE AIN'T FOUND NOTHING.

NO BIN LADEN, NO SADDAM,

NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

NO URANIUM, NO ALUMINUM FOIL,

NO NEMO, NOTHING.

THE ONLY THING WE'VE FOUND

SINCE WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE IS

$700 MILLION.

REMEMBER THAT STORY?

THE TWO SERGEANTS FOUND

$700 MILLION IN A CAVE.

NOW, I KNEW THEY WAS WHITE BOYS

AS SOON AS I HEARD THEY GAVE

ALL THAT MONEY BACK, MAN.

WHITE BOYS TOO PATRIOTIC.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A

PURPLE HEART.

"CAPTAIN, LOOK.

WE FOUND $700 MILLION.

HERE, TAKE IT.

THANK YOU, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TOO HONEST.

IF THAT WAS ME, I WOULD HAVE

REPORTED IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN A DIFFERENT AMOUNT.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "YO, YO, YO,

CAPTAIN!

LISTEN, MAN, WE JUST FOUND

$48.92.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WANT Y'ALL TO TAKE THAT."

I'M DONNELL RAWLINGS.

Heather Lawless: I'M SO EXCITED.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE I DON'T SPIT UP.

GOSH.

NORMALLY, I LIKE TO WEAR

A BLUE RIBBON AROUND MY NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'LL TIE IT EXTRA,

EXTRA TIGHT JUST TO REMIND

MYSELF THAT NO MATTER WHAT

HAPPENS I AM A WINNER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVED IN LOS ANGELES

FOR MANY YEARS, AND THAT'S NEAR

MALIBU...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I MOVED BACK HOME TO LIVE

WITH MY PARENTS TO WRITE A BOOK,

A HOW-TO BOOK, AND I'M

CALLING IT "I CAN'T...

I JUST CAN'T."

[APPLAUSE]

I GREW UP SPENDING EVERY SUMMER

ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION IN THE

GREAT SMOKY MOUNTAINS OF

CHEROKEE, NORTH CAROLINA,

LIKE MOST OF YOU OTHER FOLKS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I PLAYED WITH ALL THE INDIAN

CHILDREN THAT WERE LUCKY AND

LOOKED LIKE INDIAN CHILDREN,

UNLIKE MYSELF, WHO THEY ALL

NICKNAMED CARRIE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I ALWAYS LOVED HAVING A

NICKNAME.

I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF FUN,

UNTIL I SAW THE MOVIE...

[LAUGHTER]

AND I REALIZED CARRIE WAS A

REALLY WEIRD PERSON.

SHE GOT SO UPSET WHEN SHE GOT

HER PERIOD.

I ALWAYS GET REALLY UPSET WHEN I

DON'T GET MINE.

[LAUGHTER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE NIGHT, WHEN I WAS LIVING

AT HOME WITH MY PARENTS TRYING

TO WRITE THAT BOOK, WE WOULD

HAVE JUST SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER.

ONE NIGHT, THEY WERE JUST

TICKLING ME LIKE CRAZY AND

MY DAD NOTICED THAT I WAS

EXPERIENCING A LITTLE HAIR LOSS.

I STARTED TAKING HAIR AND SKIN

SUPPLEMENTS UNTIL I REALIZED

THE WRONG HAIR AND SKIN WAS

BEING SUPPLEMENTED.

[LAUGHTER]

MY DAD USES A FLOW-BE TO CUT

HIS HAIR.

I DECIDED TO TRY AND TRIM

MY BIKINI LINE WITH IT.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

I'LL NEVER NEED TO DO THAT

AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

THAT'S REALLY CLOSE TO THE

STATUE OF LIBERTY.

EVEN THOUGH I WAS A SELF-DEFENSE

INSTRUCTOR IN COLLEGE, I STILL

GET REALLY SCARED SOMETIMES.

THE OTHER NIGHT, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED, BUT SOMEHOW

I MANAGED TO GET MY HEAD STUCK

IN THE SECURITY BARS OUTSIDE

OF MY BEDROOM WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS TRYING TO SEE IF SOMEBODY

COULD BREAK IN.

VERY, VERY EARLY THE NEXT

MORNING, I DETERMINED THAT THEY

COULD NOT.

AND I'M TRYING TO GET USED

TO THE CULTURE OUT THERE.

IT'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT.

YOU HAVE TO JOIN A GYM.

EVERYBODY HAS TO JOIN A GYM

THERE.

AND I REALIZED THIS, YOU CAN'T

WALK INTO A GYM NOWADAYS,

"HOW MUCH IS IT," AND PAY.

THEY HAVE ALL THESE PLANS.

"WE HAVE MANY, MANY PLANS.

OUR MOST POPULAR PLAN IS WHERE

YOU GIVE US $80,000 UP FRONT

AND THEN GIVE US YOUR BANKCARD

AND WE'LL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE

$1,000 A MONTH OUT OF THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

IT.

WE'LL TAKE IT RIGHT OUT FOR YA."

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULDN'T HAVE JOINED A GYM,

'CAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

I HAD A LITTLE MONEY PROBLEM

THIS PAST YEAR.

I WENT TO A NEW ACCOUNTANT

WHO REALLY SCARED ME.

THIS GUY, A LITTLE BIT

TOO CREATIVE WITH SOME OF THE

WRITE-OFFS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW PEOPLE

LIKE THIS.

I WENT TO SEE HIM AT HIS OFFICE.

HE JUST SAT BEHIND HIS COMPUTER

THE WHOLE TIME.

HE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE.

DID YOU GO TO CHINA THIS YEAR?

DID YOU EVER GO TO CHINA?"

"WHAT IS THAT?

NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN TO CHINA."

"YOU EVER EAT CHINESE FOOD?"

"YEAH."

"THAT'LL WORK.

THAT'S GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S SEE, DID YOU GIVE

$8 MILLION MORE TO CHARITY

THIS YEAR?"

"EIGHT MILLION?

NO, I DIDN'T MAKE THAT KIND

OF MONEY."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO?"

"WELL, YEAH."

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME."

AND THEN HE'D GET LIKE MORE

INSANE AS OUR LITTLE SESSION

WOULD GO ON.

HE'S LIKE "YEAH, DO YOU HAVE

ANY PETS THAT TALK?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LIKE A

PARROT?"

"DEPENDENT."

[LAUGHTER]

"I DON'T HAVE A PARROT."

NOT LISTENING.

JUST NOT GOOD.

ONE THING I HAVE REALIZED

THOUGH, IN LIFE, IN GENERAL,

MUCH BETTER TO HANG OUT WITH

YOUR POOR FRIENDS AS OPPOSED

TO YOUR RICH FRIENDS, RIGHT.

'CAUSE, YEAH, RICH PEOPLE,

THEY'RE JUST GONE.

THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THINGS

COST ANYMORE.

I WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH SOME

VERY WEALTHY FRIENDS OF MINE.

THEY'RE JUST CLUELESS, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, AVI, FOR

ANOTHER $20 YOU CAN GET A SLICE

OF SHITAKI MUSHROOM ON THAT.

TOTALLY WORTH IT."

I'M LIKE, "NO, I ATE YESTERDAY.

THANKS.

MY WATER AND SUGAR PACKET,

THAT'LL BE FINE FOR ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH POOR

PEOPLE IS THIS, THOUGH.

IF YOU BEGIN TO HAVE ANY ELEMENT

OF SUCCESS IN YOUR LIFE, EVEN IF

YOU JUST BEGIN TO LIVE LIKE A

HUMAN BEING, THEY DON'T WANT

TO HEAR IT, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE NOT HAPPY FOR YOU.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, WELL, LOOK WHO

IT IS.

MR. I CAN AFFORD THREE MEALS

A DAY.

WELL, LA-DE-FRICKING-DAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S LIFE LIKE AT THE TOP,

MR. TARTAR CONTROL TOOTHPASTE?

[LAUGHTER]

I HEARD YOU GOT YOUR BRAKES

FIXED, SELL OUT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF SOME

OF FRIENDS, THOUGH, THAT HAVE

BIG MONEY.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS A

VERY NICE CAR AND HE HAS LO-JACK

ON THE CAR.

IT'S A LUXURY CAR.

FAIR ENOUGH, BUT I THINK HE'S

ALSO RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DO

WITH HIS CASH.

HE ALSO JUST GOT LO-JACK ON HIS

DOG.

I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

THEY HAVE THESE LITTLE COLLARS

NOW.

YOU CAN LIKE PUT IT ON YOUR DOG,

TRACK IT BY SATELLITE.

AND I'M THINKING WHAT A HUGE

WASTE OF MONEY, RIGHT?

IF I WAS HIM, I WOULD JUST GET

LO-JACK ON THE DOG AND KEEP THE

DOG IN THE CAR THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW.

KIND OF KILL TWO BIRDS WITH

ONE STONE, YOU KNOW.

THAT MAY THROW THE COMPANY

IF YOU EVER HAD TO CALL THEM,

THOUGH.

"YEAH, I CAN'T FIND MY DOG."

"YEAH, YOUR DOG IS RUNNING

80 MILES AN HOUR DOWN

THE FREEWAY."

"HE'S A GREYHOUND.

HE'S GIFTED.

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?"

GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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