Novak, Rawlings, Lawless, Liberman

  • Season 7, Ep 705
  • 12/26/2003

D.L. Hughley stars in Premium Blend featuring BJ Novak, Avi Liberman, Heather Lawless and Finesse Mitchell.

I LIVE IN BROWNSVILLE, MAN.

BROWNSVILLE.

THAT'S LIKE A MILITARY WAR ZONE.

THAT'S LIKE FIVE KUWAITIS AND

EIGHT BAGHDAD'S IN ONE BLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ALL MY FRIENDS,

THEY THINK-- YOU KNOW,

ALL OF THEM THUGS.

ALL THEY DO IS DRINK AND SMOKE.

ALL THEY DO ALL DAY BUT THEY

SENSITIVE.

LIKE AFTER 9-11 THEY THOUGHT

THEY WAS PATRIOTIC.

THEY TELLING ME WHAT THEIR

MILITARY STRATEGY IS GOING TO BE

THE NEXT DAY WITH A JOINT IN

THEIR MOUTH.

"[INHALES] YO, SON, WE'RE GOING

TO KNOCK THEM DUDES OUT.

THAT'S MY WORD, SON."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT DUDES?"

"[INHALES] THEM DUDES FROM

ASSGAN, SON.

[INHALES] WE KNOCKIN' THEM ALL

OUT."

AND I ASKED THIS ONE GUY,

I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE,

I'M LIKE, "YO, WHY YOU MAD?"

"[INHALES] YO, DOG, HOW ARE THEY

GOING TO TRY TO BLOW UP THE

OCTAGON, SON?

[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "DUMMY, IT'S THE

PENTAGON."

"[INHALES] YO, OCTAGON, HETAGON,

IT'S GONE, SON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON."

THIS ONE DUDE THOUGHT

OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS THREE PEOPLE

AND HE WAS SERIOUS.

"[INHALES] YO, WORD TO MY

MOTHER, I'M KNOCKING OUT OSAMA,

I'M KNOCKING OUT BEN,

AND I'M KNOCKING OUT LADEN.

THEY TRIED TO JUMP ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WE HAD THE IRAQI FREEDOM

WAR.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE OVER

THERE, MAN.

WE HAVEN'T FOUND NOTHING.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE FOREVER,

WE AIN'T FOUND NOTHING.

NO BIN LADEN, NO SADDAM,

NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

NO URANIUM, NO ALUMINUM FOIL,

NO NEMO, NOTHING.

THE ONLY THING WE'VE FOUND

SINCE WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE IS

$700 MILLION.

REMEMBER THAT STORY?

THE TWO SERGEANTS FOUND

$700 MILLION IN A CAVE.

NOW, I KNEW THEY WAS WHITE BOYS

AS SOON AS I HEARD THEY GAVE

ALL THAT MONEY BACK, MAN.

WHITE BOYS TOO PATRIOTIC.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A

PURPLE HEART.

"CAPTAIN, LOOK.

WE FOUND $700 MILLION.

HERE, TAKE IT.

THANK YOU, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TOO HONEST.

IF THAT WAS ME, I WOULD HAVE

REPORTED IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN A DIFFERENT AMOUNT.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "YO, YO, YO,

CAPTAIN!

LISTEN, MAN, WE JUST FOUND

$48.92.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WANT Y'ALL TO TAKE THAT."

I'M DONNELL RAWLINGS.

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