Novak, Rawlings, Lawless, Liberman

  • Season 7, Ep 705
  • 12/26/2003

B.J. Novak quits sponsoring orphans, Donnell Rawlings's friends strategize against terrorists, Heather Lawless knows she's a winner, and Avi Liberman has money troubles.

DON'T LIKE THEIR JOB.

EVERYBODY...

LIKE, THE JOB AIN'T SO BAD,

IT'S THE PEOPLE THAT YOU WORK

WITH.

THE WORST DAY OF MY JOB

IS BETTER THAN THE BEST DAY

OF MOST.

BUT MY FATHER, MAN, I REMEMBER,

I CALLED HIM AT WORK, TOLD HIM

I HAD A TV SHOW...

HE QUIT HIS JOB THAT DAY.

DADDY I GOT A TV SHOW.

"WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

DAMN Y'ALL."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, AH, "WHO GONNA PAY YOUR

BILLS?"

"YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD BUT HE

WANTED THE SAME STUFF I GET.

I GET A NEW CAR...

"SAY, SON, WHEN AM I GONNA GET

A NEW CAR?"

"WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO TELL SOME

(BLEEP)-DAMN JOKES.

THAT'S WHEN YOU WILL GET

A NEW CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

"NEVER BUY ME NOTHIN'.

CALLED ME LAST WEEK,

"MY DIABETES ACTING UP,

THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S GONNA BE

$100,000 TO SAVE MY LEG."

I'M LIKE "DADDY, YOU DONE WALK

ENOUGH.

YOU DONE HAVE TWO LEGS FOR

70 YEARS, YOU CAN HOP THEM

LAST TEN ON ONE LEG.

YOU JUST SELFISH, THAT'S YOUR

DAMN PROBLEM, YOU SELFISH.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SON, I LOVE A LOT BUT I THINK

SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

ANYBODY GOT A SON AT HOME

YOU PRETTY SURE SOMETHING WRONG

WITH HIM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET HIM TESTED

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THAT

LITTLE SQUARE BUS PULLING

UP FRONT OF YOUR DAMN HOUSE,

SO YOU JUST KIND OF DEAL WITH

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM,

HE JUST DIFFERENT.

NO, HE DIFFERENT AS HELL,

THAT'S WHAT THE HELL HE IS.

SEE THAT'S WHAT IT IS,

WHITE FOLK, Y'ALL GOT SOMEBODY

WHO'S KIND OF SLOW, Y'ALL SENT

'EM TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL.

BLACK FOLK WON'T EVEN ADMIT

THEIR CHILD GOT NO PROBLEM.

"GET YO' CRAZY ASS IN THIS

HOUSE!

AIN'T (BLEEP) WRONG WITH THAT

BOY.

HE ALWAYS WEARS A FOOTBALL

HELMET AND COWBOY BOOTS.

GET YO' CRAZY ASS IN THIS

HOUSE!"

YOU KNOW HE CRAZY, 35 YEARS OLD

WITH SPIDER-MAN UNDERWEAR ON.

[LAUGHTER]

STANDING IN THE SCREEN DOOR

EATING GRAHAM CRACKERS.

[APPLAUSE]

I LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE.

IT WAS REALLY KIND OF MY OWNFAULT.

I HAD A DOUBLE MAJOR, PSYCHOLOGYAND REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO SPONSOR AN ORPHAN IN

SOUTH AMERICA, UNTIL I SAW ON TVTHAT FOR THE SAME COST I CAN

BUY MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEEEVERY DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BATTERED WOMEN...

SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD WHY

THESE TERRORISTS ARE SO HIGHLYMOTIVATED, WE'VE ALL HEARD THIS,

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TOLD THATWAITING FOR THEM IN HEAVEN

ARE 72 VIRGINS, AND FOR THOSETERRORISTS, THAT'S A GREAT THING

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

FOR THOSE VIRGINS, HEAVEN ISN'TQUITE WHAT THEY EXPECTED, IS IT?

[LAUGHTER]I WOULD HATE TO GET THAT TALK

AS A YOUNG CHILD: "YOU BE A GOODLITTLE GIRL.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A BURKA.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A VEIL.

YOU MAY NOT GO TO SCHOOL.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE A JOB.

YOU MAY NOT LEARN TO READ.

YOU MAY NOT VOTE.

YOU MAY NOT DRIVE A CAR.

YOU MAY NOT SING, DANCE,PLAY GAMES, OR LISTEN TO MUSIC.

YOU MUST LIVE A LIFE OF ABSOLUTEHUMILITY AND CELIBACY, AND WHEN

YOU DIE YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN...

WHERE YOU WILL BE A SEX SLAVEFOR TERRORISTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S WHAT I THINKWE SHOULD DO.

PAULA ABDUL IS HALF ARABAND HALF JEW.

WE SHOULD SEND HER TO THEMIDDLE EAST AND HOPEFULLY

THAT WILL BE THE END OF HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD HAVE DINNER WITH

ONE PERSON, ALIVE OR DEAD,I THINK I WOULD CHOOSE...

ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE AIRLINES ARE ALL BANKRUPTNOW, ALL OF THEM.

THINGS ARE ALREADY DIFFERENT.

IT'S ALREADY A DIFFERENTEXPERIENCE.

I WAS IN A PLANE FOUR DAYS AGO,CROSS-COUNTRY FLIGHT ON A

MAJOR AIRLINE, AND--THIS IS ALL TRUE--

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FLIGHTTHE PLANE TOOK A NOSE-DIVE.

FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS WE WEREIN TOTAL FREE FALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THEY TRIEDTO SELL US PICTURES OF US

LOOKING TERRIFIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR 8.95.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE IT.

BUT STILL...

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I'M NOT USED TO PERFORMING

FOR THIS MANY WHITE PEOPLE.

LAST TIME I SAW THIS MANY

WHITE PEOPLE I WAS IN COURT.

[LAUGHTER]

COMEDY'S A TOUGH JOB, MAN.

I'VE GOT FRIENDS THAT GOT COOL

JOBS.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE'S A PORNO

STAR.

GUESS HOW HE GOT DISCOVERED.

THIS GIRL SAT ON HIS LAP

SHE WAS LIKE, "OOH, YOU SHOULD

DO PORNO."

[LAUGHTER]

SAME GIRL SAT ON MY LAP

AND WAS LIKE, "OOH, YOU SHOULD

TELL JOKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST HAD A BABY GIRL.

Y'ALL CAN GIVE ME A ROUND

OF APPLAUSE FOR THAT.

BROTHER'S HAD A BABY GIRL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

MY DAUGHTER WEIGHED 27 POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS THREE YEARS OLD.

SHE WAS DELIVERED TO ME

BY WAY OF THE COURT SYSTEM

AND A BLOOD TEST.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN EUROPE SIX MONTHS AGO

I WAS AT AMSTERDAM.

AMSTERDAM IS THE PARTY CITY

OF THE WORLD, MAN.

IN AMSTERDAM, EVERYTHING IS

LEGAL.

MARIJUANA AND PROSTITUTION

IS LEGAL.

BUT THEY DON'T SMOKE--

NO, DON'T CLAP.

THEY DON'T SMOKE ANYWHERE.

THEY GOT WHAT THEY CALL A

COFFEE SHOP.

THEY TRY TO TRICK YOU AND

DISGUISE IT.

THEY COULDN'T TRICK ME.

I WAS DRINKING COFFEE SEVEN DAYS

A WEEK.

I GOT BACK TO NEW YORK, I ALMOST

GOT ARRESTED IN STARBUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO STARBUCKS, I SAID,

"LET ME GET A NICKEL BAG OF

HAZELNUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH.

LET ME GET A QUARTER POUND

OF AMARETTO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVE IN BROWNSVILLE, MAN.

BROWNSVILLE.

THAT'S LIKE A MILITARY WAR ZONE.

THAT'S LIKE FIVE KUWAITIS AND

EIGHT BAGHDAD'S IN ONE BLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ALL MY FRIENDS,

THEY THINK-- YOU KNOW,

ALL OF THEM THUGS.

ALL THEY DO IS DRINK AND SMOKE.

ALL THEY DO ALL DAY BUT THEY

SENSITIVE.

LIKE AFTER 9-11 THEY THOUGHT

THEY WAS PATRIOTIC.

THEY TELLING ME WHAT THEIR

MILITARY STRATEGY IS GOING TO BE

THE NEXT DAY WITH A JOINT IN

THEIR MOUTH.

"[INHALES] YO, SON, WE'RE GOING

TO KNOCK THEM DUDES OUT.

THAT'S MY WORD, SON."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT DUDES?"

"[INHALES] THEM DUDES FROM

ASSGAN, SON.

[INHALES] WE KNOCKIN' THEM ALL

OUT."

AND I ASKED THIS ONE GUY,

I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE,

I'M LIKE, "YO, WHY YOU MAD?"

"[INHALES] YO, DOG, HOW ARE THEY

GOING TO TRY TO BLOW UP THE

OCTAGON, SON?

[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "DUMMY, IT'S THE

PENTAGON."

"[INHALES] YO, OCTAGON, HETAGON,

IT'S GONE, SON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"[INHALES] THEY TRIED TO BLOW UP

THE OCTAGON."

THIS ONE DUDE THOUGHT

OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS THREE PEOPLE

AND HE WAS SERIOUS.

"[INHALES] YO, WORD TO MY

MOTHER, I'M KNOCKING OUT OSAMA,

I'M KNOCKING OUT BEN,

AND I'M KNOCKING OUT LADEN.

THEY TRIED TO JUMP ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WE HAD THE IRAQI FREEDOM

WAR.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE OVER

THERE, MAN.

WE HAVEN'T FOUND NOTHING.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE FOREVER,

WE AIN'T FOUND NOTHING.

NO BIN LADEN, NO SADDAM,

NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

NO URANIUM, NO ALUMINUM FOIL,

NO NEMO, NOTHING.

THE ONLY THING WE'VE FOUND

SINCE WE'VE BEEN OVER THERE IS

$700 MILLION.

REMEMBER THAT STORY?

THE TWO SERGEANTS FOUND

$700 MILLION IN A CAVE.

NOW, I KNEW THEY WAS WHITE BOYS

AS SOON AS I HEARD THEY GAVE

ALL THAT MONEY BACK, MAN.

WHITE BOYS TOO PATRIOTIC.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A

PURPLE HEART.

"CAPTAIN, LOOK.

WE FOUND $700 MILLION.

HERE, TAKE IT.

THANK YOU, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TOO HONEST.

IF THAT WAS ME, I WOULD HAVE

REPORTED IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN A DIFFERENT AMOUNT.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "YO, YO, YO,

CAPTAIN!

LISTEN, MAN, WE JUST FOUND

$48.92.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WANT Y'ALL TO TAKE THAT."

I'M DONNELL RAWLINGS.