Premium Blend
Season 8

Allen, Murphy, Seccia, Roulette

  • Season 8, Ep 0805
  • 01/27/2005

I LOVE WATCHING THAT SHOW

THE BACHELOR.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THERE'S A SHOW I

UNDERSTAND.

IT'S ONE GUY AND 25 GIRLS.

SOUNDS LIKE A PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE BACHELORETTE?

I DON'T GET IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, IT'S ONE GIRL AND

25 GUYS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO MARRY

THE WHORE?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ALSO I TRY TO WATCH

THE OSBORNES.

AND I WAS THINKING, CAN YOU

IMAGINE OZZIE OSBORNE AS AN

ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

TEACHER?

[LAUGHTER]

[BABBLING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BABBLING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

[THICK ACCENT] BOTTLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT IT'S A VERY DIFFICULT TIME

RIGHT NOW TO BE A COMEDIAN.

IN THIS ERA OF POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS, YOU REALLY HAVE

TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY,

ESPECIALLY JOKES PERTAINING TO

RACES.

I SAY THIS BECAUSE I HAD AN

INCIDENT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY

ON THE SUBWAY.

THIS BLACK GENTLEMAN APPROACHED

ME REALLY ENTHUSIASTICALLY,

AND HE ASKED, "HEY MAN, DID THE

YANKEES WIN?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE FREE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE EMANCIPATED".

OUCH.

WELL, I WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL

TWO WEEKS LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD.

I HAVE TO SAY I AM NOT A BIG FAN

OF RACISM.

NOT INTO IT.

I GREW UP IN TEXAS.

THEY LOVED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I FIND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

TRYING TO LIVE LONGER.

I ACTUALLY DATED THIS ONE GIRL

SHE WAS A VEGAN, WHICH IS LATIN

FOR FREAK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS RIDICU--

EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO TO A

RESTAURANT, IT WAS LIKE A

SITUATION, YOU KNOW.

SHE HAD SO MANY RULES AND

REGULATIONS.

SHE'S LIKE I DON'T EAT ANYTHING

THAT CASTS A SHADOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU

FREAKA-LISH-ISH?

SO ONE TIME WE WERE SIMPLY

ORDERING COFFEE AT A DINER AND

SHE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE,

AND SHE GOES, "OH, I DON'T

BELIEVE IN SUGAR".

[LAUGHTER]

"BITCH, IT EXISTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

YOU CAN'T SAY--

YOU CAN SAY I DON'T BELIEVE IN

THE EASTER BUNNY OR I DON'T

BELIEVE IN JESUS.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN

SUGAR.

IT'S ON THE TABLE.

THEY DON'T GOT PACKETS OF JESUS.

THEY GOT PACKETS OF SUGAR".

BUT I FELT BAD ABOUT THAT,

THE WHOLE INCIDENT.

WE BROKE UP BECAUSE OF THAT.

AND WHAT I DID IS I...

I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU A POEM THAT

I WROTE HER.

I HOPE SHE DOESN'T MIND.

SHE'S NEVER HEARD IT AND I HOPE

THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO

LISTEN TO IT--

THIS ONE'S ENTITLED,

"THE ETERNAL HEADACHE OF A

SCORNFUL VEGAN".

"I'M A VEGAN,

PURE, ORGANIC, MEEK,

MALNOURISHED.

CHICKPEAS ARE MY MEAT PELLETS.

TOFU IS MY LIFE.

ACCORDING TO VEGANS,

IT'S NOT WHAT I SEE 12 HOMEMADE

COFFINS FOR UNDER 2 BUCKS.

♪ OLD McDONALD HAD A FARM

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ AND ON THAT FARM

♪ HE HAD A CHICKEN

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER

IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE

AN EGG McMUFFIN IS MUCH MORE

IMPORTANT THAN A CHICKEN

WELL VERSED IN EUCLIDEAN

GEOMETRY?

THE POULTRY POPULOUS

IS ETERNALLY DAMNED,

MORTALLY ASSASSINATED,

PAINFULLY ANNIHILATED,

AND PATHETICALLY DEPOPULATED

KILL THE CHICKEN,

KILL, KILL THE CHICKEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOVE, DAN".

TELLING YOU I DON'T LIKE TO

MAKE FRIENDS.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE PEOPLE.

I JUST DON'T LIKE MAKING

FRIENDS, AND HERE'S WHY.

YOU EVER MADE A FRIEND AND

AFTER HANGING OUT WITH HIM FOR

A WHILE, YOU START TO REALIZE

THEY'RE KIND OF STUPID AND

Y'ALL DON'T HAVE NOTHIN' IN

COMMON?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT BY THAT TIME, IT'S TOO LATE,

AND YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I LIKE

PRETTY WOMEN, MAN.

PRETTY WOMEN ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

THEY'RE THE MAIN REASON GUYS

TAKE UNNECESSARY ASS WHOOPIN'S

IN CLUBS.

[CHEERING]

YEAH.

NOW, LADIES, LISTEN.

IF YOU'RE AT A CLUB AND ANOTHER

MAN SLAPS YOU ON THE BUTT OR

CALLS YOU A DIRTY NAME, DO YOUR

MAN A FAVOR.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT PERSON

FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS AT A CLUB A WHILE BACK

A GIRL TOLD ME HE EX-BOYFRIEND

WAS THERE, EX-BOYFRIEND.

CALLED HER A BITCH, SAID HE WAS

GOING TO KILL HER.

NOW, I'VE GOT TO STRAIGHTEN

HIM OUT, RIGHT, 'CAUSE NOBODY

DISRESPECTS MY LADY.

I GET AROUND THE CORNER, THIS

DUDE'S LIKE 6' 4", 290 POUNDS.

I SAID, "BITCH, YOU'RE GONNA

DIE".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHOA, I'LL TELL YOU.

MY SISTER LAST YEAR JUST BECAME

A VEGETARIAN, 40 YEARS OLD.

40 YEARS OLD, DECIDES SHE

DOESN'T WANT TO EAT MEAT

ANY MORE.

WHICH IS COOL.

BUT SHE'S 40.

I THINK THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

PLUS NOW SHE'S ONE OF THESE

HEALTH NUTS, TELLS EVERYBODY

ELSE HOW TO EAT, WHAT TO EAT.

DON'T EAT MEAT.

MEAT IS MURDER.

IF YOU EAT MEAT, YOU'RE KILLING

THOSE ANIMALS.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT THE ANIMALS

WE DO EAT, WE ONLY EAT THE DUMB

ONES.

WE DON'T EAT THE ENDANGERED

SPECIES.

THERE'S NO KENTUCKY FRIED EAGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

NO BARBECUED PANDAS, NO.

OUR THREE MAIN MEAT IS WHAT,

COWS, FISH, CHICKENS?

ALL ANIMALS, I'M PRETTY SURE,

IF THEY COULD TALK, YOU COULD

TRICK THEM INTO KILLING

THEMSELVES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THAT'S A FACT.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN CATCH A FISH

ON A PLASTIC WORM?

PEOPLE COME ON.

THEY'RE NOT TOP OF THE FOOD

CHAIN.

YOU EVER CAUGHT A FISH?

DON'T THEY LOOK CONFUSED,

LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

GOING ON?

THEY LOOK WHEN YOU PULL 'EM UP--

HEY, I GOT A 10-POUNDER.

LOOK AT HIM.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANTED TO GET A PIT BULL, MAN.

I DID.

PIT BULL, THAT'S MY DOG OF

CHOICE RIGHT THERE.

TOLD MY WIFE ABOUT IT.

I THOUGHT PIT BULLS HAD POUND

FOR POUND, THE MOST CRUSHING

POWER IN THEIR JAWS OF ANY

ANIMAL.

SHE WATCHES A LOT OF DISCOVERY

CHANNEL.

TOLD ME, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

NO.

ANIMAL WITH THE MOST CRUSHING

POWER?

BRAZILIAN LAND TORTOISE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE.

BUT I'VE NEVER LOOKED AT A

TURTLE AND THOUGHT, WE'D BETTER

GET OUT OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT TURTLE'S PISSED.

AND DON'T TRY TO RUN.

TURTLES CAN SMELL FEAR.

WHO KNEW?

THEY'LL COME AFTER YOU.

"COME HERE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

YEAH.

BE CAREFUL.

I'M SORRY, BUT IF YOU GET BIT

BY A TURTLE, YOU DESERVE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ACTUALLY DATING A GUY

RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, SORRY, LADIES.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I AM.

BUT NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE A CAR

AND I LIVE IN L.A.

AND THAT'S CRAZY.

IT'S CRA-- LIKE AT FIRST

I THOUGHT THAT'S IT.

IT'S GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

I CAN'T MAKE THIS KIND OF

SACRIFICE.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN I REALIZED,

WELL, AT LEAST WHEN WE BREAK UP,

HE'S GOING TO HAVE A REALLY

HARD TIME STALKING ME, RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING TO BE LIKE, "AH,

HEY, SEAN, AH, I SAW THE BUS

PASS BY MY HOUSE LIKE NINE

TIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU DID

THAT".

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY

FRIEND THE OTHER DAY, AND SHE

IS ON THE PHONE WITH HER MOM,

AND THEY GOT IN A FIGHT AND

SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE,

YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH,

I WISH SHE WOULD JUST DIE".

JUST JOKING, YOU KNOW.

DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.

BUT I'M HERE TO SAY, I KNOW

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT,

YOU SAY THAT KIND OF THING

AND YOU TAKE IT LIGHTLY.

BUT IT OFFENDS PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN SHE SAID

THAT, IT REALLY HURT ME BECAUSE

MY MOM IS DEAD...

TO ME, TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

TO ME.

AND IT'S HARD WHEN YOU HAVE

TO DO THAT.

I'M KIDDING.

I LOVE MY MOM.

NO, I DO.

I LOVE HER.

SHE KNOWS THAT.

SHE'S ACTUALLY THE REASON

I'M HERE.

SHE'S THE REASON I DO COMEDY,

YOU KNOW.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WONDER WHY

COMICS GO INTO COMEDY.

I KNEW THAT I WANTED TO DO

COMEDY WHEN I DISCOVERED IRONY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T

KNOW, I ACTUALLY DISCOVERED

IRONY WHEN I WAS SEVEN, WHICH

IS WHEN MY MOM STARTED BEATING

ME...

[LAUGHTER]

WITH MY OWN TROPHIES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S CONFUSING, RIGHT?

YOU'RE THE WORST.

BUT THAT SAYS I'M SECOND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO IT'S NOT THE WORST.

I DON'T GET IT.

I ACTUALLY LIVE IN A HORRIBLE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT IS AN AWFUL NEIGHBORHOOD IN

L.A.

AND HERE'S THE THING: WHEN YOU

LIVE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD,

YOU'VE GOT TO BE IN DENIAL.

YOU JUST HAVE TO DO WHATEVER

YOU CAN TO HAVE FUN, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I WOULD MAKE UP MY OWN

GAMES TO PLAY.

MY FAVORITE GAME THAT I'VE

MADE UP SO FAR, I CALL IT A

MATCH THE APARTMENT WITH THE

WANDERING INFANT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S FUN.

IT'S FREE.

IT'S FREE, COMPLETELY.

NO, I KNEW I WAS--

I KNEW I WAS LYING LIKE,

BECAUSE I'D BE GIVING

DIRECTIONS TO MY FRIENDS.

I WAS LYING ABOUT HOW NICE

MY NEIGHBORHOOD WAS, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE MY DIRECTIONS WOULD

ALWAYS CONCLUDE WITH ME SAYING,

OH YEAH, AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND

A SPOT ON THE STREET, JUST

PARK BEHIND THE WINCHELLS AND

RUN.

BUT DON'T RUN LIKE YOU'RE

SCARED, YOU KNOW.

RUN LIKE YOU'RE JOGGING.

BECAUSE THEY SMELL FEAR.

THEY'RE LIKE BEES WITH CORNROWS.

AND HEY, THAT'S NOT--

THAT'S NOT A RACIAL STATEMENT,

ALL RIGHT.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW--

WE ALL KNOW THAT WHITE PEOPLE

CAN HAVE CORNROWS, RIGHT?

AND I PERSONALLY WOULD BE MUCH

MORE AFRAID OF A WHITE GUY IN

CORNROWS THAN A BLACK GUY IN

CORNROWS, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

'CAUSE A WHITE GUY IN CORNROWS

IS BASICALLY SAYING TO YOU,

"HEY, I DON'T KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND

WRONG.

I WILL STAB YOU AND GO FINISH

MY BOOK".

YOU GUYS, TH

BUILDING AND THERE ARE A

COUPLE OF GOTH GIRLS THAT LIVE

IN THE BUILDING WITH ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY GOTH?

THEY'RE KIND OF SURLY AND

DRESSED IN BLACK.

FIRST OF ALL...

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST OF ALL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

WAS STILL A THING.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STILL

ALLOWED TO BE GOTH.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL KIND

OF ROUNDED UP AT THE END OF THE

'90s AND PUT ON RESERVATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU KNOW, APPARENTLY YOU

CAN BE GOTH.

BUT THE BEST PART IS, I ALWAYS

CATCH THEM ENGAGED IN VERY

UN-GOTH LIKE ACTIVITIES.

LIKE I'M WALKING BY THE OPEN

APARTMENT DOOR.

ONE OF THEM'S VACUUMING.

VACUUMING.

VACUUMING.

THERE'S NOTHING GOTH ABOUT

VACUUMING.

OR I WALK BY THE LOBBY.

ONE OF THEM'S GETTING A LETTER.

GETTING A LETTER?

WHAT--

IS THE DEVIL WRITING YOU POEMS?

I--

[APPLAUSE]

THE MAIL?

SO, PEOPLE WHO ARE AGAINST

HUNTING, THE BIGGEST THING

THEY QUOTE IS THAT IT'S NOT

FAIR.

IT'S VERY UNFAIR FOR THE ANIMAL.

THE GUY'S GOT A GUN.

HE'S UP IN A TREE.

HE'S HIDDEN.

THE ANIMAL IS UNSUSPECTING,

AND IT'S NOT FAIR.

AND I WOULD AGREE WITH THAT.

IT IS NOT FAIR.

BUT MY FATHER CALLED ME RECENTLY

WITH HIS PLAN TO GO GRIZZLY BEAR

HUNTING WITH A BOW AND ARROW.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THAT IS NOT FAIR FOR THE

HUMAN BEING.

IF THAT WAS A FIGHT IN VEGAS,

THE BEAR WOULD BE LIKE A

25 TO ONE FAVORITE.

LET ME SEE A 2300-POUND ENGINE

OF DESTRUCTION COVERED IN FUR

AND MUSCLE AND CLAWS AND FANGS,

VERSUS MY 65 YEAR-OLD 120 POUND

GRAY HAIRED FATHER.

OH, AND HE'S GOT A STICK AND

HE'S GOT A PIECE OF STRING,

AND HE'S GOT ANOTHER STICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL PUT $10 DOWN ON THE BEAR.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS MY LAST THING.

THIS IS A LETTER FROM A MAGAZINE

THAT WEIGHS IN ON THE FUR

DEBATE, WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD

WEAR FUR.

AND I'M GOING TO READ IT TO YOU.

TO POSE THE FUR DEBATE QUOTE,

HAS PETA GONE TOO FUR--

END QUOTE.

AS A CHOICE BETWEEN HUMAN

RIGHTS AND ANIMAL RIGHTS IS

RIDICULOUS.

ANIMAL LIBERATION IS HUMAN

LIBERATION.

WE CANNOT MOVE FORWARD AS A

SOCIETY UNLESS WE HONESTLY AND

FEARLESSLY EXAMINE THE IDEA THAT

ANIMALS MAY BE OTHER NATIONS

WHOSE CULTURES ARE NOT OURS TO

INTERFERE WITH, SINCERELY,

INGRID E. NEWKIRK,

PRESIDENT OF PETA.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

THERE'S SOMETHING THERE.

THAT REMINDS ME OF A

CONVERSATION I WAS HAVING WITH

THE KING OF THE SQUIRRELS.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE WAS

THE KING, BUT HE WAS HIGH UP.

AND--

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HE WAS WEARING A

LITTLE CROWN.

SO REALLY...

Loading...