Comedy Central Presents
Season 3

CC Presents: Kathleen Madigan

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 07/04/2000

WOW.YOU GUYS SOUND AWESOME.

THIS IS--THIS IS GREAT TO BE HERE.

I ACTUALLY FLEW HERE ON T.W.A.,WHICH WAS GOOD,

BECAUSE I'VE BEENTAKING SOUTHWEST A LOT LATELY.

AND I DON'T KNOW IFYOU GUYS HAVE TAKEN SOUTHWEST,

BUT LET ME JUST TELL YOU,

THERE'S A REASONTHOSE TICKETS ARE A DOLLAR:

'CAUSE THEY STOP AT PEOPLE'SHOUSES AND PICK THEM UP.

"HI, IS BOB READY?THE PLANE'S IN THE YARD."

THEY PLAY GAMESWHILE YOU'RE FLYING.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOTON THE BACK MICROPHONE,

THE LAST FLIGHT I WAS ON.

SHE GOES, "HI, MY NAME IS MINDY.

"WE'RE SIXTH IN LINEFOR TAKEOFF,

"SO I THOUGHTWE'D PLAY SOME GAMES

"WHILE WE'RE WAITINGTO TAKE OFF.

"I WANT EVERY ROW, AS A TEAM,

TO GUESS THE COMBINED AGEOF ALL THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS."

SHE COMES UP TO ME, 'CAUSE I'MSITTING ON THE AISLE SEAT.

SHE GOES, "MA'AM,DOES YOUR TEAM HAVE A GUESS?"

I GO, "WELL, WE TALKED IT OVER,

AND WE'RE GOING TO GOWITH NINE."

WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN MEAN

IF SHE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT,YOU KNOW?

"OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY LOW.

I DON'T THINKYOU'RE GOING TO WIN."

"ME NEITHER."

I HATE THE AISLE SEAT.

I LIKE THE WINDOW SEAT,'CAUSE I LIKE TO SLEEP.

MY MOM WILL NOT GET ON A PLANEUNLESS SHE HAS THE AISLE SEAT.

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WHAT IS GOING ONWITH THIS?"

"I HAVE TO HAVE THE AISLE SEAT,'CAUSE IF THIS THING GOES DOWN,

SO HELP ME CHRIST,I'M GETTING OUT."

"OH, WELL, SURE YOU ARE.

'CAUSE THAT HAPPENSSO FREQUENTLY."

YOU KNOW, YOU TURNON THE NIGHTLY NEWS,

AND THERE'S TOM BROKAW GOING,

"A 747 WENT DOWN,AND IRONICALLY,

"EVERY SELFISH BASTARD IN ANAISLE SEAT MADE IT OUT SAFELY.

"THE MIDDLE AND WINDOWSWERE TRAPPED LIKE WET RATS

IN A BALL OF FIRE, CRYING."

I NEVER EVEN USED TO BE AFRAIDTO FLY TILL RECENTLY.

I DON'T LIKE ALL THESE PLANESJUST DROPPING OUT OF THE SKY,

AND THEN THEY NEVER TELL USWHAT HAPPENED.

LIKE, IT'S IN THE NEWSFOR A MINUTE,

AND THEN IT'S JUST GONE.

LIKE EGYPTAIR,WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

THEY NEVER SAID.

THEY KEPT COMING ON THE NEWSEVERY NIGHT GOING,

"WE FOUND THE TAPES,BUT THE TAPES ARE IN ARABIC,

AND ARABIC'S REALLY HARD."

WELL, CALL YELLOW CAB.

WE'LL GET 28 PEOPLE--IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

[applause]

THEN THEY SAID

THEY THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE SUICIDEON THE PILOT'S PART,

AND I THOUGHT,"OH, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

"NOW I GOTTA THINKABOUT THAT CRAP

WHEN I GET ON A PLANE?"

I GOTTA STOP BY THE COCKPIT,"HI, HOW YA DOING?

"HAPPY SCHMAPPY.

"HERE'S SOME DOUGHNUT HOLES.

"DON'T FREAK OUT.

JUST TRYING TO FRICKIN' GETTO CANADA IN ONE PIECE."

THAT'S WHERE I WAS.

I WAS IN CANADAFOR, LIKE, THREE WEEKS.

AND I LIKE CANADA, BUT,LIKE, I FORGET IT'S UP THERE.

I ALWAYS THINK OF CANADAAS, LIKE, OUR ATTIC.

YOU FORGET IT'S UP THERE,AND YOU GET UP THERE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WOW, LOOK AT ALL THIS CRAP.

"I TOTALLY FORGOT--PEOPLE LIVE HERE.

THEY WORK HERE."

I DON'T LIKE THE FACT, THOUGH,

THEY CHARGE YOU $10TO GET OUT OF CANADA.

IT'S LIKE A EXIT FEE.

AND I HAD NO IDEATHIS WAS AN OFFICIAL POLICY.

I GET TO MY PLANE, AND THERE'STWO GUYS STANDING THERE GOING,

"HI, WE NEED $10."

WELL, JOIN THE CLUB,SCOOTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

GET A SIGN.THINK OF SOMETHING WITTY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN AMERICA.

HE GOES, "NO, MA'AM.THAT'S THE EXIT FEE.

IT COSTS $10 TO LEAVE CANADA."

I'M LIKE, "SIR, IT'S FEBRUARY.IT'S 55 BELOW ZERO OUTSIDE.

YOU HAVE TOTALLYLOWBALLED YOURSELF."

I WOULD GIVE YOU $50,000 TO GETOUT OF THIS FROZEN-ASS TUNDRA.

[laughter]

NO, ACTUALLY, OUR MONEY'SWORTH NOTHING UP THERE.

WHERE IS OUR MONEYWORTH SOMETHING?

MEXICO.

OH, MY--$1?500 BILLION PESOS.

OH, I LOVE THAT COUNTRY,'CAUSE EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR.

IT'S LIKE A GIANT DOLLAR STORE.

ANYTHING.

THAT ECONOMY, THOUGH,I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR MONEYGETS SO VALUELESS,

AT WHAT POINTDO YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND GO,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?SCREW IT.

WE GOT TO TRADE CHICKENS AGAIN.THIS IS JUST NOT WORKING."

I LIKE THAT COUNTRY

'CAUSE I LIKE THE FACTTHAT THEY GOT TOGETHER AND VOTED

THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY, AS ANADULT, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A NAP.

OH, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN $500TO BE IN THAT SENATE MEETING

THAT DAYTHAT GUY BROUGHT THAT UP.

SOME GUY HAD ENOUGH GUTSTO STAND UP AND GO,

"YEAH, UM,I DON'T REALLY GIVE A CRAP

"ABOUT THE ECONOMY OR ANYTHING,BUT--

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU PEOPLE,

"BUT I'M REALLY DRAGGING ASSEVERY DAY

"BETWEEN, LIKE, 2:00 AND 4:00,AND I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF WE COULD VOTEON THAT BEING NAP TIME."

AND NOBODY SAID NO.

THAT'S THE COOL PART.

THEY WENT,"YOU ARE AN IDEA MAN, RAUL.

WE ARE LOCKING UP."

[applause]

I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHYTHEY'RE NOT A WORLD POWER YET.

I LIKE THE MEXICAN'S ANSWERTO DIFFICULT PROBLEMS.

HEALTH CARE?

THEY GOT TO THE ANSWER.

WHAT'S THEIR ANSWER?

"PRESCRIPTION DRUGSARE AVAILABLE

WITH NO PRESCRIPTION."

THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.

CUT OUT THE DOCTOR--THE MIDDLEMAN.

SELF-DIAGNOSIS--THAT'S THE FUTURE.

THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS, 'CAUSETHERE'S SO MANY FREAKS LIKE ME.

I'D BE DOWN AT THE DRUGSTOREEVERY WEEK GOING,

"I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVEBEHIND THE COUNTER?

"SCREW IT,MAYBE IT'S A HEADACHE,

"BUT I THINK IT'S A BRAIN TUMOR.

JUST COME ON."

I ACTUALLY WENT INTO A STOREIN TIJUANA.

THEY WERE HAVING A SALEON PROZAC AND FIREWORKS.

YOU GOTTA MEET THE MANAGERWHO CAME UP WITH THAT SPECIAL.

I KNEW NOTHINGOF MEXICAN CULTURE.

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST.I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES.

LIKE, CINCO DE MAYO,

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT WAS.

MY NEIGHBOR'S MEXICAN.I ASKED HIM.

IN THE MIDWEST,WE CALL IT TUESDAY, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED HIM--I GO,"WHAT IS IT?"

HE GOES,"IT'S OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY."

I GO, "WHO'D YOU BEAT?"

HE GOES, "THE FRENCH."

I'M LIKE, "WELL, WHO DIDN'T?"

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S SOMETHING

TO GET QUITE THISWOUND UP ABOUT, JOSE.

BUT IF MARGARITASARE HALF PRICE,

I'M ALL ABOUTYOUR CINCO DE MAYO.

[laughter]

AND WE HAVE ALL DAY OFF.

AND FOR THOSE TWO REASONS,

THAT'S WHY I WATCH UNSOLVED MYSTERIES,

'CAUSE I THINK I GOT A GOODCHANCE AT FINDING THESE PEOPLE.

MY FAVORITE PART OF THAT SHOW--EVERY TIME THEY HAVE THAT SHOW,

THEY HAVE A SEGMENT CALLED"REUNIONS."

THAT'S WHERE IF YOU HAVEA MISSING RELATIVE, FOR FREE,

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WILL HELPYOU TRY TO FIND THAT RELATIVE.

AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOUTHAT SO FAR,

FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN, IF YOU DOHAVE A RELATIVE THAT'S MISSING,

I WOULD JUST GO AHEADAND LEAVE 'EM MISSING,

'CAUSE THE CRITTERS THEY UNEARTHARE UNBELIEVABLE.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME BIG FAT ASSCOMING OUT OF A TRAILER GOING,

"THANK GOD Y'ALL FOUND ME,'CAUSE I AM BROKE.

"WHAT KIND OF BONE MARROWY'ALL GOT?

I NEED SOME SORT OF TRANSPLANT."

A LOT OF TIMETO KILL ON THE ROAD.

I LISTEN TO DR. LAURA'CAUSE I HATE HER.

ANYBODY ELSE?

GOOD.

BUT I CAN'T QUIT LISTENING,SO WHO'S THE FREAK?

I'M ADDICTED--I JUST--I AM ASTONISHED.

IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD HER,SHE'S ON A.M. RADIO.

SHE'S NOT A SHRINK,BUT SHE ACTS LIKE A SHRINK.

SHE OFTEN REFERS TO HERSELFAS A MORAL LEADER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GETTO THAT POINT IN YOUR LIFE,

WHERE YOU'RE WALKING AROUNDYOUR HOUSE ONE DAY GOING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M SO DAMN RIGHTABOUT EVERYTHING,

"I'M GOING TO STARTTAKING CALLS.

REALLY."

I WATCH A LOT OF SPORTS.

THAT'S A GOOD TIME-KILLER.

FIGURE SKATING IS MY FAVORITE,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANTEDTO BE A FIGURE SKATER AS A KID,

BUT WHENEVER I WATCH THAT,I THINK,

"GOD, I WOULD HAVEDONE IT ALONE."

I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE PEOPLEHAVE THE PATIENCE

TO BE IN A LITTLE TEAMWITH A PARTNER,

'CAUSE IF I PRACTICEDWITH SOME GUY FOR TEN YEARS

AND WE GOT TO THE OLYMPICSAND HE FELL,

OH, MY GOD, I'D SKATE AROUNDJUST TO CHOP OFF A FINGER

BEFORE HE GOT UP.

I'D SKATE UPTO THAT JUDGE AND SAY,

"I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEAWHO THAT MAN IS.

"HE'S STALKING ME,

"AND I WOULD LIKE HIM REMOVEDFROM THE BUILDING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HIS OUTFITMATCHES MINE."

THE DRAG ABOUT WATCHINGFIGURE SKATING, THOUGH,

IS YOU GOT TO LISTENTO DICK BUTTON ANNOUNCE IT.

AND FOR YOU GUYSWHO DON'T WATCH FIGURE SKATING,

I'LL CATCH YOU UP REAL QUICK.

DICK BUTTON WON A GOLD MEDALIN FIGURE SKATING IN 1884, OKAY?

AND HE'S HYPER-CONDESCENDING,AND HE'S MEAN.

IT'S LIKE THESE PEOPLE'SFAMILIES ARE WATCHING.

WHEN THEY SUCK, I THINK WE KNOW

THEY JUST SKATED INTO A WALLAND THEY'RE BLEEDING.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY REASONTO KEEP GOING ON ABOUT IT.

OH, HE'S RELENTLESS.

"WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS THESE TWOHAVE NO GRACE, ATHLETIC TALENT,

AND/OR ABILITY, AND SHOULDN'TEVEN BE IN THE RINK.

YOU JUST WANT TO GO,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOURFAT, BALD ASS OUT THERE

"DOING A TRIPLE LUTZ, 'CAUSEWHEN YOU WON THE GOLD MEDAL,

WHAT WAS REQUIRED TO WIN GOLD?"

YOU HAD TO BE ABLE TO, LIKE,SKATE BACKWARDS AND WAVE.

IT WAS LIKE--

[laughter]

I'VE SEEN THE MOVIES.

AND THOSE PEOPLEARE SO MUCH YOUNGER NOW.

IT'S GETTING RIDICULOUSLY YOUNG.

I MEAN, THE LAST GOLD MEDALWINNER, TARA LIPINSKI,

14 YEARS OLD,WINS THE GOLD MEDAL

THEN GOES HOME TO DETROITAND WRITES AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

WHEN YOU'RE 14,WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY SO FAR?

YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN HOW TO WRITEFOR SEVEN YEARS.

[laughter]

"CHAPTER ONE:MATH IS REALLY HARD.

"I CAN'T UNLOADTHESE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

"THEY ORDER THEM,AND THEN THEY MOVE.

IT'S BULL[bleep]."

14 YEARS OLD.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WINA GOLD MEDAL WHEN YOU'RE 14.

YOU DON'T WANT TO PEAKTHAT EARLY IN LIFE.

YOU'LL NEVER BE NORMAL.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT THEHEROIN RIGHT IN YOUR EYEBALL

AND GO DIRECTLY TO REHAB.

YOU'RE EATING CEREAL,AND YOU'RE ON THE BOX?

THAT'S GOTTA [bleep] YOU UP.

THERE'S NO WAY AROUND THAT.

HARD FOR ME TO WATCHANY OF THESE--

LIKE THE OLYMPIC SPORTS.

I CAN'T WATCH THEM,

'CAUSE I THINKTOO MANY PEOPLE ARE CHEATING.

WHOLE COUNTRIES ARE CHEATING,

WE DON'T SAY ANYTHING,'CAUSE WE'RE SCARED.

CHINA? I THINK THEY CHEATLIKE CRAZY PEOPLE.

THOSE CHINESE SWIMMERS--

IT COULDN'T BE MORE OBVIOUS.

AND OUR ANNOUNCERIS ALWAYS SO POLITE ABOUT IT.

"AH, BILL, DO YOU THINK PERHAPSWONG FOO WAS USING STEROIDS?"

"WELL, SHE SWAM HOME.

[laughter]

SHE BEAT THE WORLD RECORDBY AN HOUR AND A HALF, BOB."

THAT'S PRETTY FREAKY.

THE ONLY SPORTI ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO WATCH:

MARATHON RUNNING.

OH, THAT LOOKSLIKE A BUNCH OF ANOREXICS

IN A HURRY TO GET A BURGER.

I CAN'T--I CAN'T WATCH IT.

26 MILES--YOU'RE RUNNING FROM SOMETHING.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

SIT DOWN.THINK ABOUT IT.

THAT IS CRAZY.

AND THEY ALWAYS SPENDALL THEIR MONEY ON SHOES.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A $400 PAIROF RUNNING SHOES.

AND WHO SPONSORS THEM?

SHOES, SHOES, SHOES, SHOES,SHOES.

AND THEN WHO WINS EVERY YEAR?

SOME GUY FROM KENYA WHO'SNEVER EVEN HAD A PAIR OF SHOES.

[laughter]

ALTHOUGH I DID QUIT SMOKING.

THAT'S A GOOD LITTLEHEALTH MOVE THERE.

THANK YOU.

[applause]

THANK YOU.

I GOT TO BE HONEST--

I DID NOT WANT TO QUIT.I LOVED SMOKING.

BUT I SAW A REASON TO QUIT.

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN AND YOU WANTTO SEE A REASON TO QUIT SMOKING,

JUST GO TO LAS VEGAS,GO TO ANY CASINO,

GO DIRECTLY TO THENICKEL SLOT MACHINE AREA,

AND STAND NEXT TO ONE OF THEM900-YEAR-OLD LADIES

THAT'S STILL SMOKINGAND WAIT TO HEAR 'EM TALK.

OH, RIGHT IN FRONTOF THE SLOT MACHINES GOING,

[huskily]"I JUST NEED ONE MORE ROLLOF NICKELS."

[laughter]

"AND A COCKTAIL.

"WHAT'S IT TAKETO GET A [bleep] COCKTAIL?

"THIS SERVICE IS APPALLING.

"IF I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,I'D COME HERE TO QUIT DRINKING,

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE."

NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE.

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE THEY'RE BANNING ITON FLIGHTS, YOU KNOW?

AND I HAD TO FLY ALL THE WAYTO CHINA--15 HOURS.

WE HAD TO GO TO CHINATO DO COMEDY.

IT WAS A DISASTER.

THE WHOLE COUNTRY WAS LIKE A GIANT WHERE'S WALDO? BOOK,

AND I WAS WALDO.

I KEPT WALKING AROUNDTELLING THE OTHER COMEDIANS,

"IF THERE IS SUCH A THINGAS REINCARNATION,

"I WAS NEVER CHINESE,

"'CAUSE NONE OF THIS CRAP'SRINGING A BELL.

NOT THE FOOD.NOT THE MUSIC."

AND THEY PLAY THAT MUSICWHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT--

THAT--[imitates atonal music]

"TURN THAT OFF.THAT'S HORRIBLE.

"IT'S NOT APPETIZING.

I JUST KEEP THINKING OF THESALLY STRUTHERS COMMERCIALS."

I CAN'T EVENWATCH THEM COMMERCIALS.

"ADOPT A KID FOR 60¢ A DAY."

'CAUSE I FEEL SO GUILTY.'CAUSE I HAVE 60¢.

BUT YOU GOT TOWRITE THEM LETTERS.

AND I KNOW I WOULDN'T WRITETHE LITTLE FELLA.

I'D CALL HIMIF HE HAD A CELL PHONE.

[laughter and applause]

NOT A FAN OF THECHINESE LANGUAGE EITHER.

TO MY EARS, IT JUST SOUNDS HARSH

AND, LIKE, THEY'RE ALWAYSSTRESSED OUT AND YELLING AT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU ASKA SIMPLE QUESTION,

THAT ANSWER CAME BACK50 TIMES LOUDER AND MEANER.

"HEY, COULD YOU TELL MEHOW TO GET TO THE BATHROOMS?"

"BATHROOM'S RIGHT DOWNTHE HALL!"

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I'M LIKE,"NO WONDER YOU GUYS

"HAD TO BUILD THIS WALLAROUND THIS COUNTRY.

"YOU'RE SO LOUD,

"THERE ARE PROBABLYOTHER COUNTRIES CALLING YOU."

"HEY, IT'S JOSE IN MEXICO.

"WE'RE TRYING TO GET A NAPDOWN HERE.

"YOU THINK YOU COULD BE QUIETOVER THERE?

"YOU WANT SOME VALIUM?

THERE'S NO PRESCRIPTIONNECESSARY."

IT WAS HORRIBLE WEATHER,THOUGH.

IT RAINED THE ENTIRE TIME.

LIKE, FREAK WEATHER TOO.

LIKE, RAINING 14 DAYS IN A ROW.

THIS WEATHER LATELY IS GETTINGFREAKY, FREAKY WEATHER.

LIKE, THE LADY AT MY DRUGSTORE

THINKS IT'S A SIGNOF THE END OF THE WORLD.

I WAS UP THERE THREE WEEKS AGOBUYING A PAPER,

AND THERE WASTHIS BIG FLOOD WHEREVER.

AND IT WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE,AND I GO,

"THAT FLOOD'S HORRIBLE,ISN'T IT?"

SHE GOES,

"NO, BABY, IT'S JUST ANOTHERSIGN OF THE END OF THE WORLD."

I GO, "DO YOU REALLY THINKTHE WORLD'S ENDING?"

SHE GOES, "MM-HMM."

I GO, "WELL, THENCAN I JUST HAVE THIS STUFF?

GOING-OUT-OF-WORLD SALE,COME ON."

THEN I GOT HOME THE SAME DAY,HONEST TO GOD,

AND THERE'S THIS VIDEO IN MYMAIL FROM SOME CHRISTIAN GROUP.

AND IT SAID, "DO YOU KNOW JESUS?THE END IS NEAR."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS?"

SO I THROW IT OUT.

THEN I'M LAYING IN BED AT NIGHTTHINKING,

"THE WORLD PROBABLYIS GOING TO END.

"I'M GOING TO GET TO HEAVEN,LOOK ALL SURPRISED.

"GOD'S GOING TO BESTANDING THERE GOING,

"LOOK, I SENT YOU A VIDEO,

"I HAD THE LADY AT THE DRUGSTORE TELL YOU,

"AND YOUR RAMS WON THE SUPERBOWL.

WHAT ELSE?"

WE HAVE HAD FREAKY WEATHER.

EVEN TRAVELING, I SEE IT.

I MEAN, I WAS IN IOWA--

THEY HAD FOUR TORNADOSIN ONE DAY.

THEY KEPT CALLINGOUR HOTEL ROOMS GOING,

"WE HAVE TORNADOS COMING.

WE DON'T HAVE A BASEMENT,SO GET IN YOUR BATHTUB."

I GO, "NO, I THINKI'D RATHER BE DEAD

THAN FOUND FLYING NAKEDAROUND IOWA IN A BATHTUB."

I DO NOT NEED TO SEE THATON CNN THE NEXT DAY.

TWO FARMERSSTANDING OUT THERE GOING,

"WELL, NOW, FIRSTWE THOUGHT SHE WAS A UFO."

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GUYS LIKETHAT MEETING UFOs, ISN'T IT?

I THINK THAT'S WHY THE ALIENSDON'T EVER STAY.

LOOK AT THE PEOPLE THEY MEETWHEN THEY GET HERE.

EVERY TIME THEY COME, THEY LANDIN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,

MEET TWO GUYS IN OVERALLSWITH NO TEETH

THAT ARE STANDING THERE GOING,

"COME HERE,YOU LITTLE CRITTERS.

"COME ON.EARL AND ME'D TAKE Y'ALL BOWLIN'

IF YOU HADA COUPLE MORE FINGERS ON YOU."

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

EARTH IS PROBABLY LIKETHE ALABAMA OF THE UNIVERSE,

AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

I BET THERE'S MARTIANSON VENUS GOING,

"DON'T EVEN STOP FOR GASAT THAT PLANET.

THEY'RE IDIOTS."

THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS HAPPENINGTO OUR MARTIAN PROBES.

I THINK THEY'RE LANDING.

I THINK THE MARTIANSARE JUST GOING,

"OH, [bleep], IT'S THEM.ACT LIKE WE'RE NOT HOME.

DON'T ANSWER IT."

MY BROTHERS, YOU KNOW, THEY'REVERY SCIENTIFIC ABOUT IT.

I GO, "WELL, WHAT IF THERE ARE?

"WHAT IFTHEY'RE JUST SMARTER THAN US,

AND THAT'S WHYWE DON'T KNOW THEY'RE HERE?

"LIKE, FISH DON'T KNOWWE'RE UP HERE,

"BUT WE'RE CERTAINLYSNAGGING THEM

WHENEVER THE HELLWE FEEL LIKE IT."

I GO,"I'LL BET IF WE DRAIN THE OCEAN,

"WE'D FIND, LIKE,20 TRILLION TINY POSTERS--

PICTURES OF FISHTHAT JUST SAY, MISSING."

[laughter]

THANK YOU.

THAT ONE TOOK YOU GUYS AWHILE.

SOME PEOPLE REALLY WEREN'TIN SYNC ON THAT.

'CAUSE I BET EVERY TIMEWE CATCH A FISH,

THEM OTHER FISH ARE JUSTSWIMMING AROUND GOING,

"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.WHERE'D BILL GO?"

AND YOU KNOWWHEN WE THROW BILL BACK,

THE OTHER FISH DO NOT BELIEVEHIS STORY ABOUT WHERE HE WAS.

[laughter and applause]

SOME PEOPLE THINK THE GOVERNMENTKNOWS THERE'S ALIENS.

MY ONE NEIGHBOR THINKS THAT.

I GO,"WHY WOULDN'T THEY TELL US?"

HE GOES,"IT WOULD MESS UP RELIGION.

PEOPLE WOULD FREAK OUT."

I GO, "WHY?IF GOD MADE US, GOD MADE THEM.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?"

I MEAN, THAT'S IF YOU BELIEVEGOD MADE US, WHICH I DO,

ONLY 'CAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTANDEVOLUTION.

ALL THROUGH SCHOOL, I JUST KEPTRAISING MY HAND GOING,

"I HAVE A QUESTION.

"IF WE CAME FROM MONKEYS,COULD YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME,

WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?"

THEY JUST COULDN'TGET OVER THE HUMP, YOU KNOW?

GEORGE BUSH, JR. MADE IT.

WHAT'S UP WITH THEIR ORANGUT--

[applause]

GEORGE BUSH, JR.--

I ACTUALLY READ HIS BOOK--IN THE STORE.

'CAUSE IT'S A POP-UP.

JUST SAYS, "I'M GEORGE,I'M GEORGE,

"I AM, I AM,

I LIKE GREEN EGGS,AND I LIKE GREEN HAM."

[laughter]

THE REAL THING I DON'TUNDERSTAND ABOUT EVOLUTION--

PEOPLE GO--IT'S NOTTHAT I EVEN DISAGREE WITH IT,

BUT PEOPLE GO, "IT TOOK MILLIONSAND MILLIONS OF YEARS.

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, STILL, THOUGH,

"ONE DAY,A MONKEY MADE IT OVER THE HUMP.

"ONE DAY A MONKEYCOULD WALK AND TALK

AND WAS, LIKE, HUMAN."

AND I SAY,"WHAT IF YOU WERE THAT MONKEY?

LIKE, WHAT IF YOU WERE THE ONEWHO MADE IT OVER THE HUMP,

BUT YOUR FAMILY DIDN'T?

HOW EMBARRASSINGWOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?

HAVING TO TRY TO BRING A DATEHOME AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT.

"OH, LOOK, BEFORE WE GO IN THEHOUSE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

"IF MY DAD THROWS [bleep]AT YOU,

"JUST THROW IT BACK.

"HE THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS.

"MY MOM'S GOING TO TRYTO PICK CRAP OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

"JUST LET HER DO IT.

THAT'S IF SHE GETS OUT OF THETIRE SWING, WHICH IS VERY RARE."

I THINK THERE'S ALIENS, AND ITHINK PEOPLE ARE BEING ABDUCTED.

I COMPLETELY BELIEVE IN THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY,"OH, IMPOSSIBLE."

AND I GO, "LOOK AT USCATCHING FISH.

"SOMETIMES WHEN WE CATCH A FISH,WE DON'T THROW IT BACK.

"WE KEEP IT AS A PETIN AN AQUARIUM.

"THE FISH IN THE OCEAN DON'TKNOW THAT THEIR FRIEND IS OKAY

"IN ANOTHER DIMENSION.

THEY ASSUME HE'S DEAD'CAUSE HE'S MISSING."

LIKE, WE ALWAYS THINKOUR MISSING PEOPLE--

AFTER A WHILE, WE GO,"WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY DEAD."

AND I THINK,WELL, WHAT IF THEY'RE NOT?

WHAT IF THEY WERE JUST SNAGGED,

AND THEY ARE NOW PETSON OTHER PLANETS?

WHAT IF THERE'S MARTIANSLOOKING IN TERRARIUMS GOING,

"WOW, LOOK AT THAT IRISH ONE.IT'S STILL DRINKING.

"ALL THE OTHER ONES FELL DOWNHOURS AGO.

[laughter]

"THAT MEXICAN ONE WON'T GET UPBETWEEN 2:00 AND 4:00.

THAT CHINESE ONE WON'T QUITYELLING AT EITHER ONE OF THEM."

HEY, GUYS, THAT'S ALL MY TIME.THANKS A LOT.

[applause]

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