CC Presents: Andy Kindler

  • 04/13/2006

SLIGHTLY MORE, BUT NOT MUCH MORE.

WOW. IT'S-- I DON'T DESERVE IT.

BUT MAYBE A LITTLE BIT, TRAILING OFF. WOW!

I DON'T CAREIF YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU WERE CLAPPING 'CAUSE YOU WERE TRYING

TO LOOSEN SOMETHING OFF THE PALMS OF YOUR HAND. I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU WERE CLAPPING FOR ME AND VISUALIZING ANOTHER COMIC IN YOUR HEAD.

LOOK AT THIS THEATRE. I GOT 18 BALCONIES!

I WOULD LOVE IT IF THEY HAD AGROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WERE SITTINGON THE CEILING LOOKING DOWN,

AND FROM HERE, AND THEN LINCOLN IN THE BOX OVER THERE.

AND JOHN WILKES BOOTH RUNS DOWN.IT WOULD BE A NEW REALITY SHOW.

- IT'D BE FANTASTIC. - [LAUGHTER]

I NOTICED WHENEVER YOU CALL INFORMATION, 411,

THERE'S ALWAYS A COMPUTER VOICE AND THEY GO,

"WHAT NUMBER WOULD YOU LIKE, CITY AND STATE PLEASE." "YEAH,

I'D LIKE THE NUMBER OF MACY'S IN CENTURY CITY, CALIFORNIA."

"DID YOU SAY 'PRETZEL NUGGETS?'"

[LAUGHTER]

"NO. NO, I SAID MACY'S IN CENTURY CI-TY, CALIFORNIA."

- "PRETZEL NUGGETS IT IS. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU GOT IT!"

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? THEN THE OPERATOR COMES ON,

"SIR, I DON'T HAVE A LISTING FOR PRETZEL NUGGETS.

"I THINK IT'S A SNACK ITEM.I HAVE A MR. & MRS. ROLLED GOLD.

"I HAVE ADR. & MRS. FIDDLEFADDLE.

I HAVE A CHEESE & CRACKERS IN CLEVELAND."

I WANNA BE A DJ ON ANALL RING-TONE STATION,RING-TONES ALL THE TIME.

"COMIN' UP-- YOU REMEMBERTHIS ONE FROM 1999, FROM NOKIA--

♪ DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA, DAAA

♪ DA DA DA DAT DA DA DA ♪

"THE NOKIA TONES'LL BE INTHE STUDIO LATER ON THIS MONTH."

- THAT WAS NICE.- [LAUGHTER]

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKIN' ABOUT," SAID VACLEV

- OF THE CZECH REPUBLIC." - [LAUGHTER]

"I WAS COMPLETELY CONFUSED," SAID A RANDOM SWEDE."

MY OWN ACT IS CONFUSING ME. HUH?

SO I WAS IN AMSTERDAM ANDYOU CAN SMOKE POT THERE LEGALLY.

SO I FIGURED I'LL GIVE THAT A SHOT. RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T WANNA BE RUDE ANDCAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT.

SO, UM-- YOU'RE ALLOWED-- AND THE THING IS OVER THERE,

THEY SMOKE POT AND THEY MIX IT WITH HASH AND TOBACCO.

AND THEY ROLL IT TOGETHER.AND THE REASON WHY THEY DO THAT,

THEY HAVE SO MANY VICES, THEY HAVE TO COMBINE THEM.

OH, I'LL SMOKE POT; BUT I DON'T WANNA HAVE THAT

CUT INTO MY CIGARETTESMOKING TIME, ALL RIGHT?

I'M DOIN' A HOOKER IN TEN MINUTES,

A LEGAL HOOKER, A LICENSED AND BONDED HOOKER.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

SO YOU GO INTO THESE COFFEE SHOPS IN AMSTERDAM,

AND THEY HAVESAMPLES OF POT AND HASH.AND I SEE THIS HASH.

IT'S IN A BAGGIE, PINNED TO THE WALL.

I TELL THE GUY, "I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT."

AND HE LOOKS INTHE DRAWER AND HE SAYS,"OH, YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

I HAVE ONE LEFT." I'M A LUCKY MAN?

HOW LUCKY AM I? I'M IN A COUNTRY THAT LEGALLY SELLS HASH.

- YOU'RE A HASH SELLER. - [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A SAMPLE OVER THERE, AND YOU HAVE THAT SAMPLE.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING?

ONE IN ONE, MAYBE? A HUNDRED PERCENT?

YOU DON'T GO IN A PIANO STORE, AND YOU ASK THE GUY,

"YOU KNOW, I COULD LOOK AT THE PIANOS."

"WELL, YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN. I HAPPEN TO HAVE PIANOS HERE

IN THE PIANO STORE. YOU'RE A BLESSED MAN."

IT'S LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY.

IF THE LOTTERY MEANT YOU HAD THE NUMBERS BEFOREHAND

AND THERE WAS NO PAYOFF,IT'S JUST LIKE THAT.

HAD TO ADD ONTO THE JOKE AT THE END.

THEY'RE DOING CLINICAL STUDIES WITH POT.

AND I'VE BEEN DOINGMY OWN INFORMAL STUDIESWITH POT FOR YEARS.

JUST I'M NOT, YOU KNOW, INFORMAL.

I'M NOT CONNECTED TO AN INSTITUTION.

JUST BASICALLY AT HOME,I'LL SMOKE A JOINT;

PUT A LAB COAT ON; AND JUST JOT DOWN RANDOM OBSERVATIONS.

- YOU KNOW.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YES-- UM, YES.

I-- I AM GETTING HUNGRY. I AM.

I-- I CAN CORROBORATE THE MUNCHY EFFECT

THAT THE COMEDIANSTALK ABOUT SO MUCH. YES.

I COULD GO FOR A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLYOES."

LOOK AT THAT. THE JOKE'S OVER HERE NOW.

IN THIS CLINICAL STUDY,WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO IS

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE HALF THE PEOPLE ACTUAL JOINTS,

AND HALF OF THEM PLACEBO JOINTS.

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE PLACEBO JOINTS WON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE FAKE.

IT'S LIKE-- "DO YOU THINK YOU GOT THE REAL JOINT?"

"I DON'T KNOW. I'VE BEEN SMOKIN' FOR A HALF-HOUR.

"I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING. I SMELLOREGANO, I HAVE NO IDEA."

THEN THERE'S A SCIENTISTWITH A CLIPBOARD.

"OKAY, THAT GUY'S LAUGHING AT A RERUN OF BECKER.

- HE MUST BE WASTED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY HAD A SIGN AND IT SAID,

"DO NOT ALLOW YOUR DOG TO CHASE, INJURE, OR WORRY WILDLIFE."

I UNDERSTAND THE CHASING AND INJURING PART,

BUT HOW IS A DOG GONNA WORRY WILDLIFE?

DOG'S GONNA RUN UP TO A BIRD,

"HEY, I THINK YOU GOTSOMETHING IN YOUR BEAK.

"IT COULD BE A TUMOR.

- "ARE YOU CONCERNED? - [LAUGHTER]

"I WAS JUST TALKING TO THE OTHER PIGEONS;

"THEY FIND YOU OBNOXIOUS. AND THEY'RE PIGEONS.

SO YOU IMAGINE WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?"

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF A DOG COULD GESTURE LIKE THAT?

FORGET THE TALKING DOG,BUT IF A DOG COULD DO

- ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I WAS JUST ATTHE PARK RANGER'S LODGE.

"THEY SAID THE FOOD SUPPLIESARE GONNA BE SCARCE THIS WINTER.

DOES THAT MAKE YOU NERVOUS?"

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO FORGOT THE PREMISE OF THIS JOKE,

'CAUSE IT'S BEEN FOUR HOURS LONG IT'S CHASE, INJURE AND WORRY

- WILDLIFE IS THE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN CASE IT WAS-- EXACTLY. YOU'RE DOUBLED UP--

PEOPLE ARE DOUBLED OVERIN PAIN OR LAUGHTER.

I DON'T CARE EITHER ONE.I'LL TAKE IT EITHER WAY.

I'M TEACHING A COMEDY WORKSHOP EVERY SATURDAY MORNING;

LIKE A BRUNCH THING.AND I TELL MY STUDENTSTO WEAR LOOSE CLOTHING.

AND THEY COME IN WITH SWEAT PANTS.

AND I TELL EVERYBODY TO JUST SHAKE IT OUT. SHAKE IT OUT.

LIFT UP THE SHOULDERS AND STRETCH THE NECK.

AND I KEEP DOIN' THAT UNTILREALIZE THEY'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF.

BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GONNA-- HOW CAN YOU--

HOW CAN TEACH STAND-UP COMEDY? THAT'S CRAZY.

WHAT AM I GONNA SAY? "DON'T FORGET TO PUT

"THE PUNCH LINE AFT THE SET UP.

"HOW MANY TIMESHAVE I TOLD YOU?

NEXT WEEK THERE'S GONNA BE A POP QUIZ ABOUT HENNY YOUNGMAN."

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

FOUR PEOPLE REMEMBER WHO HENNY YOUNGMAN ARE-- WAS-- IS.

THE MOTTO OF MY COMEDY WORKSHOP IS,

"IF I CAN'T MAKE YOU FUNNY, WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU'RE NOT.

- DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?" - [LAUGHTER]

I GO NEGATIVE AT THE END.

I ALWAYS THINK IT'S VERY STRANGE WHEN YOU SEE FLIERS

FOR ACTING WORKSHOPS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT'S THE PITCH BEHIND AN ACTING WORKSHOP?

"HEY. HEY, GUYS AND GALS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMPETE WITH

"75,000 OTHER PEOPLE FOR FOUR JOBS?

WHY DON'T YOU TRY ACTING?"

"HEY EVERYBODY.HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO

"USELESS ACTING EXERCISES, LIKE PRETENDING YOU'RE A LIZARD

"FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF,AND THEN FEND OFF

"AN INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL ADVANCE BY THE TEACHER.

- TRY ACTING." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY-- HEY-- SAVE IT-- 'CAUSE THE THIRD ONE'S ALWAYS THE KICKER.

I NOTICED THAT THEY CHANGED THENAME OF THE INTERBOROUGH PARKWAY

TO THE JACKIE ROBINSON PARKWAY. AND THE INTERBOROUGH FAMILY IS

- VERY, VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY HAVE STARTED ALETTER-WRITING CAMPAIGN.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THAT WAS A FAMILY NAMED "INTERBOROUGH"?

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW YOU WOULD'VE LAUGHED THEN?

- I WAS AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

HEY, THE PEOPLE ON THE CEILING ARE ENJOYING THEMSELVES.

AH, I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND ABOUT HOW GREAT IT WAS THAT

JACKIE ROBINSON, WHEN HE MADE IT INTO THE MAJOR LEAGUES AND

WHAT A DIFFERENCE THAT MADE IN THIS COUNTRY.

AND MY FRIEND ACTUALLY SAID TO ME, HE SAYS,

"WELL YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE

"THAT WHEN JACKIE ROBINSON MADE IT INTO THE MAJOR LEAGUES,

THAT MEANT THE END OF THE NEGRO LEAGUES."

OH, THAT'S A GREAT TOPICOF CONVERSATION.

THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.

LET'S TALK MORE ABOUT THE DOWNSIDE OF CIVIL RIGHTS.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S A GREAT TOPIC.

HEY, YOU KNOW CIVIL RIGHTS, IS GREAT AND EVERYTHING,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THAT PLUMBERS IN THE SOUTH

MAKE LESS MONEY, THAN WHEN THEY USED TO

INSTALL THE SEPARATE DRINKING FOUNTAINS.

- I'M NOT-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAKING A VALUE JUDGMENT. I'M NOT SAYING YEA OR NAY.

I'M JUST POINTING OUTAN INTERESTING FACTOID.

CIVIL RIGHTSIS GREAT AND EVERYTHING.

BUT THERE'S NO MORE SLAVE OLYMPICS.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. I DON'T SAY GOOD.

- I DON'T SAY NOT GOOD.- [LAUGHTER]

AND THE ONE GUY SAYS TO HIS FRIEND, "I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY $1.99 BUFFET."

AND THE OTHER GUY GOES,"YEAH. IT'S ALL A SCAM."

OH, REALLY? IS THAT THE BIG SCAM IN LAS VEGAS?

- IT'S THE $1.99 BUFFET? - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT LOSING ALL YOUR MONEY AT THE CRAP TABLES?

AND THE KENO AND THE SLOT MACHINE?

IT'S THE $1.99 BUFFET. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU TURN ON THE LOCAL NEWS ONE NIGHT,

YOU SEE A CHEF BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS,

COVERING UP HIS FACE WITH HIS CHEF HAT.

"$1.99 BUFFET SCAM, BUSTED!"

HOW DOES A $1.99 BUFFET SCAM WORK EXACTLY?

IS THERE A BIG SIGN OUTSIDE?

"COME ON IN FOR OUR $1.99 BUFFET!"

AND THEN YOU GET A BILL.IT'S $80.

YOU CALL THE WAITER OVER. "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE $80?"

- "IT'S A SCAM, BUDDY! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S A SCAM!"

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A SPIRITUAL PERSON.

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY.

ASTROLOGY SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE TO ME.

THOSE ASTROLOGY COLUMNS IN THE PAPER,

I'D LOVE TO GET THAT JOB. I CAN DO IT IN LIKE 5 MINUTES.

HEY, VIRGO! THIS MONTH WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT OLD FINANCIAL THING GOING ON?

AH, THIS MONTH'S GONNA BE A-- IT'S A 30 DAY SITUATION!

TOWARDS THE END OF THE MONTH, I'D THINK ABOUT GETTING THE OLD

RENT-ER-ROO TOGETHER FOR THE FOL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- HI, LEO-- COOL NAME. - [LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU KEEPTHOSE WORKPLACE PROBLEMSIN THE WORKPLACE?

THE GUY AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU, HE CERTAINLY IS THERE.

WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE GOES TO LUNCH,

- WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THEM? - [LAUGHTER]

- GOOD MORNING, LEVITICUS! - [LAUGHTER]

THIS MONTH YOU'RE GONNA MEET SOMEONE FROM YOUR PAST.

OR, MAYBE YOU'LL MEET SOMEONE YOU CURRENTLY KNOW.

OR, PERHAPS YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE FROM THE FUTURE

THAT YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE. BROWN HAIR WILL-- DO A THING!

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT THEY'RE THE SAME SIGN

AND THEY'RE LIKE CRAZYAND THEY WERE AT A PARTY

AND THEY CAN'T STOP TALKING. "OH! YOU'RE A SAGITTARIUS?

"I'M A SAGITTARIUS! DO YOU LIKE FOOD?

- "I LOVE FOOD!- [LAUGHTER]

"DO YOU DO MOST OF YOUR HEARINGWITH YOUR EARS? ME, TOO!

"IT'S BECAUSE I'M A SAGITTARIUS! YOU'RE A SAGITTAR--

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THE LINE AT THE BANK IS LONG? ME, TOO!"

IF YOU EVER SEEPEOPLE LIKE AT A PARTY,

AND YOU WANT TO BREAK IT UP, HERE'S A GOOD WAY TO BREAK UP

AN ASTROLOGICAL LOVE FEST. YOU JUST STICK YOUR HEAD

IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE PEOPLE AND YOU GO, "UH, YOU KNOW

"HITLER WAS A SAGITTARIUS.

"HOW DO YOU FEELABOUT THAT, HUH?

"HITLER WAS A SAGITTARIUS. HUH?

"HITLER DIDN'T LIKE WHEN THE LINE AT THE BANK WAS LONG.

- AND HOW!" - [LAUGHTER]

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIGN HITLER WAS EITHER

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER.

AND IF THEY DO, THEY'RE NOT GONNA CORRECT YOU, OKAY?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA TURN AROUND AND GO,

"UH, HITLER WASNOT A SAGITTARIUS, PAL."

AND THEN YOU CAN TURN AROUND AND GO,

"OH, REALLY, HEIR ICHMAN?

- MR. GOBULES? HMM? - [LAUGHTER]

UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE BEFORE WORLD WAR II.

I WOULD HAVE LEFT PROBABLY ABOUT 1923.

ANY SIGN AT ALL,I WOULD'VE BEEN OUT OF THERE.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE--COME HOME ONE NIGHT.

"HONEY, I WAS OVER AT THE VEINERSCHMITZEL

EATING MY SCHMICKENKASHEN, AND--

THE WAITRESS SHOT ME A FUNNY LOOK.

LET'S GO! PACK UP THE CAR! WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- LET'S DRIVE TO THE RHINE!" - [LAUGHTER]

THE REPUBLICANS ALWAYS GET VERY UPSET

WHEN YOU COMPARE THEM TO NAZIS. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DO IT

- EVEN MORE. YOU KNOW? - [LAUGHTER]

- YEAH EXACTLY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO PREACH TO THE CONVERTED. I DO BETTER.

SO WHEN I'M TALKINGTO REPUBLICANS, I JUST KIND OF--

I SLIP IT IN THE CONVERSATION. YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE.

"HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE CONDA-NAZI-RICE

ON TV LAST NIGHT? SHE'S GREAT."

- [LAUGHTER]- WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?

I SAID, DID YOU SEE CONDOLEEZZA REICH.

- EICHHHHH! - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT TO COMPARE THE REPUBLICANS TO NAZIS.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT DICK CHENEY WOULD HAVE HAD A NICE TIME

IN NAZI GERMANY. THAT'S ALL.

HE WOULD HAVE RUBBED A COUPLE OF ELBOWS. THAT'S ALL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THAT. I USE THAT ALL THE TIME NOW. WHEN I'M IN A RESTAURANT.

THEY GO "DO YOU WANT THE ENTREE?"

- "BRING IT ON!"- [LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THAT BUSH SAID THAT. HERE'S A GUY WHO'S NEVER

FACED COMBATOR ANYTHIN IN HIS LIFE.

OR REALLY HAD A TOUGH DAY. AND HE'S LIKE "BRING IT ON."

I LOVE THAT. HE'S LIKE "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

BRING IT ON! OVER THERE, IN IRAQ, WHERE THE TROOPS ARE.

BRING IT ON OVER TO THAT AREA. YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? YOU WANT TO START SOMETHING?

GET ON A PLANE, GO OVER THERE!

WHERE THE PEOPLE DOINGTHE ACTUAL FIGHTING ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO MANY REALITY SHOWS ON TV.

THEY HAVE A SHOW CALLED WIFE SWAP."

WHICH IF IT REALLYWAS ABOUT WIFE SWAPPING,

- I'D GIVE IT A SHOT. RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE AND I,WE WANT TO TRY SWAPPING.

WE WANT TO GO TO ONE OF THOSE KEY PARTIES, YOU KNOW,

WHERE YOU PUT YOUR KEYS IN THE BOWL.

BUT WE JUST WANT TO UPGRADE OUR CAR. THAT'S ALL WE WANT TO DO.

- [LAUGHTER]- YOU GO GET THE KEYS--

OH, A BMW! THANK YOU CECELIA AND HAL.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY HAD THIS SHOW--IT'S CALLED WIFE SWAP.

AND WHAT IT IS, IS THAT TWO FAMILIES AGREE

TO SWITCH PARENTS. A PARENT RAISES THE OTHER FAMILY'S KIDS.

AND THAT SOUNDS CRAZY TO ME. I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A SHOW.

IT'S CALLED, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY MOMMY?"

- AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS. - [LAUGHTER]

A 12-YEAR OLD KID, HE GOES TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? AND WHEN HE GOES TO SCHOOL,

WE TAKE HIS FAMILYOUT OF THE HOUSE, OKAY?

AND WE SWAP OUT-- WE REMODEL THE HOUSE.

AND THEN WE PUT ACTORS IN THERE. AND SO WHEN HE COMES HOME,

HE DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE HOUSE.

HE COMES IN-- "AH, WHAT-- WHAT-- WHERE HAVE YOU--

WHERE'S MY PARENTS? WHAT'S GOING ON?"

AND LIKE-- "YOUR PARENTSDON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

AND THEY LEFT THE COUNTRY. AND WE'RE YOUR PARENTS NOW."

HE' LIKE, "NO. THAT'S NOT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

CAMERA THREE GET A CLOSE UP OF THE PANICKY KID.

CAMERA THREE? I SEE TEARS. OKAY.

AND THEN IF THE KID SAYS, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY MOMMY,"

HE GETS A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO A CATALOG. I DON'T KNOW.

- I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M STILL WORKING ON SOME OF THE DETAILS.

THEN I HAVEANOTHER IDEA FOR A SHOW.

IT'S CALLED "FAMILY MEDICATION SWAP."

TWO SERIOUSLY ILL FAMILIES AGREE TO SWITCH MEDICATIONS.

HOW WILL A DIABETIC DEAL WITH CHOLESTEROL LOWERING DRUGS?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW WILL A MAN WITH SEVER HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

- DEAL WITH ANTI-DEPRESSANTS? - [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, I THINKI'M HAVING A STROKE.BUT I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

- I'M WILLING TO-- - [LAUGHTER]

I'M GOOD WITH THAT.

I CAN'T WATCH ITFOR ONE MINUTE.

EVERY WEEK IT'S THE SAME THING. IT'S THE SAME SHOW.

[LISPING] YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU NEED MR. SISTER,

YOU NEED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES.LET'S GO DOWN TO THE SHOE STORE.

♪ DAGA, DAGA DAGA-DING, KAKING ♪

♪ KA, KA, KA KA, KA, KA-KING ♪

♪ KA, KA, KA-TOOKA, KA ♪

♪ KA, KA, KA KA, KA, KA, KING ♪

♪ KA, KA, KA, KOO, KOO, KOO

I THINK THOSE LOAFERSWOULD LOOK NICE ON HIM.LET'S TRY THAT.

♪ DAGA, DAGA DAGA-DING, KAKING ♪

♪ HOKA, DAKA, DA-KING HA-TOO... ♪

LOOK, MR. SISTER GIRLFRIEND BOYFRIEND

THAT GUY DR. & MRS. SHOE,IT'S NOT 1975.

YOU'RE NOT IN PAUL McCARTNEY AND WINGS.

LET'S GET YOU A NEW HAIRCUT.LET'S GO DOWN TO THE HAIR SALON.

♪ DAGA, DAGA DAGA-DING, KA-KING ♪

♪ YOKO, TOKO, TO-KO GA-TAKA, HING, KA-HONG-- ♪

WHY DO PEOPLE WATCH THAT SHOW, IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK.

EVERY WEEK IT'S THE-- WHAT DO YOU THINK'S GONNA HAPPEN?

IT'S LIKE "OH, THAT GUY'S GOT A UNIBROW."

YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT?

HE'S GOT CINDER BLOCK BOOKSHELVES,

DO YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA COME UP?

HE'S WEARING A NAPKIN FOR A HAT,

DO YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA COME INTO PLAY?

OH MY GOD THE DRAMA, THE SUSPENSE OF THE SHOW. IT'S KILLING ME.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE MOVIE SLEUTH...

- OR A MORE CURRENT MOVIE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T BUY THE PREMISE IF THERE'S ANY PROBLEM IN LIFE,

IT NEEDS TO BE SOLVED BY FIVE GAY GUYS.

"HELLO AUTO CLUB. I'M STUCK HERE ON THE FREEWAY."

"OKAY, WE'RE GONNASEND OUT FIVE GAY GUYS."

"WHAT AREYOU GONNA DO THAT FOR?""THAT'S WHAT WE DO NOW."

"IF YOU WERE HAVING A HEART ATTACK,

WE'D SEND FIVEGAY DOCTORS OUT THERE."

[LISPING] "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?"

"I HAVE A FLAT TIRE. I CAN'T FIND MY JACK."

"NO WONDER YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR JACK.

LOOK HOW MESSY YOUR TRUNK IS."

♪ DAGA, DAGA HA-HING, HEY-HOY ♪

♪ HOY, HOY, HOY, HOY

♪ HI, YA, KA, TA, TA-KING YAKA-TOY, YA, TOY ♪

[LAUGHTER]

DO THE STEREOTYPES BOTHER YOU

"ONLY GAY PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COMB THEIR HAIR

OR BUY A SHIRT OR DECORATE THEIR APARTMENT"?

WOULD YOU WATCH JEWISH EYE FOR THE CHRISTIAN GUY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEND FIVE JEWISH GUYS OUT TO YOUR HOUSE.

"LET ME HELP YOU PUT YOUR MONEY IN THE BANK.

I'M A JEW. I KNOW ABOUT MONEY."

♪ YAK, YAK, TAKA, TAKA HOY, HOY, HOY, HOY ♪

♪ YAKA, DAKADING-DING, DOY ♪

♪ YAKA, HOY, HOYYAKA, DING, DING, DING ♪

♪ HAKA, DAKA, DAKA, DAKA HOY, HOY-- ♪

"WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING MAYONNAISE

"ON THAT CORNED BEEF SANDWICH FOR?

I'M A JEW. PUT SOME DELI MUSTARD ON IT."

♪ HAKA, HAKA, HOY HAKA, HING-HING ♪

♪ YAKA, DOI-ING, DOI-INGDOKA, HOKA, HOY, HOY ♪

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU NEED MORE GUILTAND SHAME IN YOUR LIFE."

"YOU WANT TO BE A NEW ANCHOR? MY PEOPLE CONTROL THE MEDIA.

I'LL MAKE A COUPLE OF CALLS."

♪ YAKA, TAKA, TAKA TAKA, DING, DING ♪

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