Kook

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 03/24/2016

Adam immerses himself in the local Hawaiian culture and introduces stand-up from Langston Kerman, Jenny Zigrino and Devin Field.

[surf rock music]

- Hey, Adam,this place is amazing.

- Adam!- Hey.

- Whoo! Aloha and mahalo,my new friends.

- Oh, thank you.

- Aloha mahalo.

- Oh, thanks.- Aloha mahalo.

- Aloha.

- Aloha mahalo.- Thanks, dude.

- You guys look very...

- Tired.We just got here.

- Yeah, well, I was gonnasay you look like kooks.

- Wait, what does that mean?- That sounds really racist.

- It's not racist.I want you to know that.

It's actuallythe opposite of racist.

It's how traditionalHawaiians speak,

and that's now I speak now

'cause I've been herefor a few days.

Mmm.Mmm-mmm-mmm.

- Wow.- Oh, wow.

- Mm-mm.Mm-mm!

There is not enoughpineapple in that.

- There's so muchpineapple in here.

- Ew, mmm, have you guyshad pineapple before?

- Yeah, I've had pineapple.

- A kook is when someonefrom the mainland comes here

and doesn't assimilateinto the Hawaiian culture,

which you have toor you look like

a freaking idiot, all right?

I been here for days,

and I've got leis for days,

and now you guys do too!

- Oh, okay.- All right.

- Here you go.Mai tais, that's what we drink

and also that's what I wear:my tie is also Hawaiian.

I have it.Later, I'm sure I'll wear it.

- Okay.

- Okay, lesson number one:

get a new wardrobe.

- What are you doing now?- Whoa!

- No, no!- Come on, man!

- That's my grandma's!- Stop! What're you doing?

- She's dead.

- We get a discountat the gift store.

15% off, just drop my name.

Get yourself some new fits,you kooks.

[theme music plays]

I live, I live in a very blackneighborhood

Like, super black, all right?

The blackest storein my neighborhood

is a place calledBooks N Thangs.

There's a storein my neighborhood

called Books...

N Thangs.

They mostly sell lotion.

There's a lot of cocoa butterat Books N Thangs.

The blackest thingabout Books N Thangs,

and arguablythe blackest thing

I've ever experiencedin my life,

I'm not making this up,

24 hours a day,7 days a week,

Books N Thangswill project the audio

from famousLouis Farrakhan speeches

out onto the street

for people to listen toas they walk past.

24 hours a dayof Louis Farrakhan.

If you don't knowwho Louis Farrakhan is--

I assume many of youhave no idea who he is;

you're not familiarwith his work.

All you really need to know

is that he hates you.

He hates everything about you,

white people specifically.

He hates you.

I don't stop to listento these speeches, right?

I don't have time.

I'm very busy.

If it's not pornography,

I'm not listening.

Take that shirt off, Farrakhan.

Let me see those nipples.

See those nation nipples.

[laughter]

I don't stop to listento these speeches,

but every day I get littlesnippets of them, right?

Like, as I'm walking pastI'll just hear

Louis Farrakhan forcinghimself in my ears.

So I'll just be walking past

and hear Louis Farrakhan,like,

[as Louis Farrakhan]"Oh!

"Brothers and sisters.

"I said brothers

"and sisters.

"The white man is evil.

"Do not trust the white man.

"Would you trust a lobsterto give you justice?

"Well, then do not trustthe white man,

for they are one in the same."

[laughter]

I hear that,

and thenI just have to go about my day

not trusting any of youmotherfuckers.

I know what your'e thinking,

You're looking at meand you're like,

"What on Earth is that

slightly skinnierAdele doing onstage?"

Oh, my God.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.Thank you.

I am a single lady.

Where my single bitches at?

[cheers and applause]

That's right!

I'm cool with it, you guys,

'cause this is the problem,

there aren't a lotof guys out there

with things for girls like me.

You know, it's like,why can't I

find a guy that's like,

"Damn.

"I love neurotic Jewish girlswith psoriasis.

"Mmm!

Mmm!"

Sir, do you like Jewish girlswith skin conditions?

Well, if you're not doinganything later...

[whispers]I'm ovulating.

[laughter]

I love my job.

This the greatest job.

This is the problem, though,

is that as a female comedian,

which you got to be a strong,powerful woman

to do this, right?

Give it up for strong,powerful women!

[cheers and applause]

But I got to be around dudecomics all the time,

and all they like to talk about

is how bad they are at sex,all the time.

They're always like,

"Oh, my God.I'm so bad at this.

"I don't know what I'm doing.

I thought it was an elbow."

[moans feebly]

[laughter]

But I like to thinkI'm pretty good at it,

and for two reasons.

One, I have self-esteemhigh enough

to where I have confidencein my abilities,

and two, I have self-esteemlow enough

where I'll do whatever you want

so you won't leave me.

That's the best.

Right, 'cause in my headI'm like,

I'm an independent woman!

[whispering]I'm so alone.

I don't need a man!

[whispering]I just need a dad.

I feel like Pixar used

to make very normalmovies for kids,

and then as they gotthat critical cachet,

they just got weirderand weirder with it.

You know what I mean?

Like, at first, it was like,

Hey, what do all kids love?

Toys.

"Toy Story," okay?

Hey, what do all kids love?

Superheroes.

"The Incredibles," right?

Then suddenly it was like,

hey, what do all kids love?

Rats...

and fine dining.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Kids love the dramaof a health code violation.

Yup.

Hey, what do all kids love?

Elderly widowers dying alone.

Don't worry.

We'll hook them inat the beginning

with a greatmiscarriage sequence.

That's how you get kidsin seats.

That's how it works.

[laughter]