Extended - @midnight's 100th episode - Uncensored

  • 06/24/2014

In the 100th episode, Nikki Glaser, Ron Funches and Doug Benson write lines from the new "Star Wars" movie, list #RejectedHashtags and perform @midnight fan fiction.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING)I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I JUST SAW DOUG BLOWING ON HISBUZZ-IN FINGER THERE.

HE'S TRYING TO GET IT ALL...

HE'S GOT IT DOWN.

NIKKI'S RUBBING HERS IN A FASTERAND FASTER FASHION.

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

ON THAT PODIUM I COULD NEVERFIND THAT BUTTON.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT TO WAIT FOR IT.

>> HARDWICK: IT DOESN'T REALLYHAVE A...

ALL RIGHT, SO, STAR WARS EPISODEVII MIGHT BE IN SOME TROUBLE.

NEWS CAME OUT ON TWITTER TODAYTHAT HARRISON FORD SUFFERED A

REAL BROKEN LEG TRIPPING OVER AFAKE DOOR ON A SPACESHIP.

(LAUGHTER, AW-ING)A FAKE SPACESHIP. I DON'T KNOW.

UH, FORD WILL BE REQUIRED TOTAKE OFF THE NEXT 147 PARSECS,

AKA SIX MONTHS.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING IS A REAL TWEET ABOUT

HARRISON FORD?

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

>> CHRIS, THIS IS HOW IT PLAYEDOUT.

WAS LIKE, DOCTOR: "YOUR LEG ISBROKEN."

HARRISON FORD WAS LIKE, "IKNOW."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: NICE.

I GOT TO GIVE DOUG A HUNDREDPOINTS FOR THAT FANTASTIC

REFERENCE.

UH, WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER,RON FUNCHES?

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH A, JUSTBECAUSE THAT'S TRUE NO MATTER

WHAT YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE IS.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS...

A!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)FANTASTIC. FOR BONUS POINTS,

COMEDIANS, GIVE US ONE OF HANSOLO'S LINES FROM EPISODE VII.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> UH, "MAY THE FORCE BE WITHYOU AND A NURSE BE WITH ME."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I'LL

GIVE YOU THE POINTS.

ALTHOUGH, I DON'T REALLY FEELLIKE HAN WOULD HAVE TECHNICALLY

SAID "MAY THE FORCE..."

>> I DON'T KNOW...

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, FINE, FINE,FINE!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, "YEAH, I SHOT FIRST.

THESE DAYS I'M HAPPY IF I JUSTSHOOT AT ALL."

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOOD. FINE.

I MEAN...

AND THEN FOLLOW-UP TO THAT, "IMEAN, I DON'T WANT TO BE GREEDO.

COME ON."

>> NO, I THINK I STOPPED AT THERIGHT SPOT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, MAN!

NOW WHO'S FIRING SHOTS, RONFUNCHES?

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANAGGRESSIVE RON...

THIS IS RON FUNCHES AT HIS MOSTAGGRESSIVE!

(LAUGHTER)HE'S COMING OUT SWINGING!

(LAUGHTER)SO, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> "I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUTTHIS BROKEN LEG THAT I HAVE."

>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)WOW!

>> I GOT 'EM EARLIER, SO THATMADE UP FOR IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

UH, LEBRON JAMES HAS THE MOSTTALENT AND FOREHEAD OF ANY

BASKETBALL PLAYER ON EARTH.

SO IT'S HUGE NEWS TODAY THAT HEOPTED OUT OF HIS CONTRACT WITH

THE MIAMI HEAT AND MAY SWITCHTEAMS.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESE LEBRONMEMES ON TWITTER HAVE THE MOST

FAVORITES?

B, LEBRON CONSULTING THE SORTINGHAT?

"NOT SLYTHERIN, NOT SLYTHERIN."

C, OR KING JAMES TURNING HEELAND JOINING THE WWE.

(BELL DINGS)YES, FUNCHES?

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH B, 'CAUSE ITHINK HE GOT THAT HAT FROM

PHARRELL.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER...

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS "A."

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: BUT I'M GONNA GIVERON FUNCHES 100 POINTS FOR THE

PHARRELL JOKE.

BONUS QUESTION: LEBRON FAMOUSLYANNOUNCED HE WAS "TAKING HIS

TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH."

COMEDIANS, WHAT WILL HE ANNOUNCETHIS TIME?

LET'S START WITH DOUG BENSON.

>> I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE TIME.

TAKE SOME TIME TO THINK THINGSOVER.

TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

IN SHORT, I WANT TO KNOW WHATLOVE IS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I...

YOU JUST SQUEAKED BY WITH SOMEPOINTS ON THAT ONE, BECAUSE I'M

SUCH A HUGE FAN OF FOREIGNER.

UH, RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, LORD WILLING, IN A COUPLEOF MONTHS, IN A COUPLE MEDICAL

PROCEDURES, YOU CAN STARTCALLING ME LEWANDA JAMES.

I'M TAKING MY TALENTS TO THEWNBA.

>> HARDWICK: YES, WELL DONE.

POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> UH, HE'S ACTUALLY GONNASTART, UH, HIS OWN LINE OF

PRESERVES CALLED "LEBRON JAMS."

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'D BEAMAZING.

POINTS.

♪ AND HE'S TAKIN' IT TO THESPACE JAM.

AY, AY. ♪ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

>> ♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. >> HARDWICK: ♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL

RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ♪>> ♪ SPACE JAM, DO YOUR DANCE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS THE MO...

THAT MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE WHEN ITCAME OUT, RIGHT?

BUT YET WE CAN'T... WE CAN'T GETENOUGH OF IT.

>> I WANT A NEW SPACE JAM.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, THERE...

THERE'S A MOMENT IN THE 1997MOVIE CONTACT WHERE JODIE

FOSTER'S CHARACTER LOOKS OUT THEWINDOW OF HER SPACECRAFT AND

TEARS UP AT THE SIGHT OF THEUNIVERSE'S MAJESTY.

SHE SAYS, "THERE ARE NO WORDS.

THEY SHOULD HAVE SENT A POET."

WELL, THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUTTHIS NEXT STORY.

A REDDIT USER POSTED A PICTUREWITH THE CAPTION "I DON'T LIKE

MY NEW NAME BADGE."

SO PERFECT, SO BEAUTIFUL.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLEHAVE TO DIE IN SUCCESSION BEFORE

YOU BECOME ASS PRESIDENT.

>> TWO.

>> HARDWICK: BUT... IS IT JUSTTWO?

>> IT'S TWO.

>> HARDWICK: LOOK, COMEDIANS,WHAT ARE THE MAIN DUTIES OF THE

ASS TREASURER?

NIKKI GLASER?

>> WELL, UH, THAT'S KANYE'SPOSITION, CORRECT?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

HE HAS A SURPLUS AND IT IS AGROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT.

UH, POINTS, NIKKI GLASER.

RON FUNCHES.

>> OH, JUST, I MEAN, I COME FROMA LONG LINE OF ASS TREASURERS.

AND IT'S JUST TO TREASURE ASS INANY OF ITS FORMS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO POINTS, RON FUNCHES, THEAUDIENCE NOT BEHIND YOU ON THAT

ONE.

>> I DON'T CARE, I'M JUSTTELLING THE TRUTH OF HOW I SEE

IT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY, OKAY,GOOD, GOOD, ALL RIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> FORGET ABOUT THE GAME,TODAY'S ABOUT TRUTH.

UM... (LAUGHS)(CACKLES)

>> THERE IT IS.

>> YEAH, I JUST... I WASCRACKING UP, 'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO

SAY THE WORD "DUTY."

THE MAIN... THE MAIN DUTY OF THEASS TREASURER IS TO NOT BE

PLUNDERED.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS, FOR SURE.

>> PROTECT THAT BOOTY!

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOW TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)I GOT TO BE HONEST, I THOUGHT WE

WERE GONNA FUCKING RUN OUT OFTHESE, LIKE, TWO MONTHS AGO.

WE HAVE USED A LOT OF DIFFERENTHASHTAGS ON THE SHOW, AND WHILE

IT MAY LOOK LIKE A MONKEY WITH ATYPEWRITER JUST RANDOMLY CHOOSES

AN ADJECTIVE AND A NOUN, THERE'SSO MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

THE MONKEY HAS A LAPTOP.

AND HE'S REALLY GOOD.

SO, FOR OUR 100TH HASHTAGWAR, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

REJECTED HASHTAGS.

EXAMPLES OF REALLY BAD REJECTEDHASHTAGS MIGHT BE

#WORST ETHNICITIES.

#GOOFY RELIGIONS.

#SNITCHES BE LIKE.

I WANT TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG BENSON.

>> KARDASHIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YEAH, WEREJECTED THAT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> MOVIES KEVIN HART ISN'T IN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, WE GAVE THATTHE BOOT TWO MONTHS AGO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> SHIT MY SHIT SAYS.

>> HARDWICK: WOULD... WOULD THATBE IN ALL CAPS?

FREEDOM!

UH, SOMEONE ELSE.

>> SWIM!

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: NIKKI GLASER.

>> DAD'S FAVORITE POSITION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OH...

WHAT?

(BELL DINGS)RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, YOUR BABY MIGHT BE RACISTIF...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RON.

>> THROW UP THURSDAY.

>> HARDWICK: T.U.T.-- I CAN'TWAIT.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> DESTROY A CHILDHOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> FAVE HATE CRIMES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS, NIKKI.

>> SLOW JAMS THAT DON'T REMINDME OF JEREMY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> UH, RUIN A HOLOCAUST MOVIE.

(BUZZING)>> HARDWICK: OKAY, UM...

SCHINDLER'S FIST.

>> CAN I DO ONE MORE?

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> CAN WE DO ONE MORE?

>> HARDWICK: YOU WANT TO DO ONEMORE?

FUCK IT.

>> YEAH, UH, YES, TALL WOMEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> YEAH, JUST CELEBRATING THINGSWHEN, LIKE, WHEN... YOU KNOW, I

CAN'T REACH THAT... THING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THEY'RE SUPERTALL.

>> YES, TALL WOMEN-- OURSTRUGGLE.

YES, YES!

THAT'S RIGHT.

(MOANS)YOU GET IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> YOU GET IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: RO... RON.

(GIGGLING)OH, I JUST IMAGINED MYSELF ON A

STEPLADDER.

>> NO, I'LL COME DOWN TO YOU.

>> COME ON DOWN, GIRL.

(CROWD GROANS)♪ WE BE FLIRTIN'.

>> OH, YOU REALLY HATED ME FORTHAT.

>> YEAH.

WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?

>> HARDWICK: RON... RON FUNCHESIS MAD, TONIGHT.

>> IS THIS PART ON TELEVISION?

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'D BE SO AMAZING IF,ALL OF A SUDDEN, RON, JUST,

LIKE, IF YOUR SMILE JUST DROPPEDAND YOU FLIPPED THE THING OVER

AND JUST ATTACKED THAT GUY INTHE FRONT ROW.

(GRUNTS)>> THESE ARE... YOU CAN'T PUSH

THESE OVER, I'VE TRIED.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY-- I THINK THISMAY ACTUALLY BE MY FAVORITE GAME

ON THE SHOW-- SWEET EMOJI.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)EARLIER THIS MONTH, EMOJIPEDIA

UNVEILED A LIST OF 250 NEW EMOJITHAT WILL BE AVAILABLE NEXT

MONTH, BRINGING US EVER CLOSERTO A FUTURE OF WORDLESS TEXT

MESSAGES THAT WILL LOOK EERILYSIMILAR TO CAVE DRAWINGS OF OUR

ANCESTORS.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A SERIES OF OLD-SCHOOL

EMOJI, AND I WANT YOU GUYS TOTRANSLATE THEM INTO SENTENCES,

ALL RIGHT?

VERY, VERY SIMPLE.

THIS FIRST ONE-- GOT A VOLCANOAND A HORSE AND A TOILET.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG BENSON.

>> I'M GONNA ERUPT LIKE AVOLCANO, OR PISS LIKE A

RACEHORSE, OR BOTH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YUP.

RON, YOU WANT TO THROW ONE IN?

>> YEAH, UH, SACRIFICE MY HORSETO THE VOLCANO GODS.

THEY DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: AND NOW YOU'RE OUT

ONE HORSE.

POINTS. NIKKI GLASER.

>> THAT'S WHAT A TOILET MEANS.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK."

>> WELL, I MEANT TO SAY "SHIT".

I CLEARLY MEANT TO SAY "SHIT",DOUG.

(LAUGHTER)>> I DON'T GIVE A FUCK-SHIT,

RON.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I REALLY...

BOY, I REALLY GOT TO TAKE AFUCK.

I MEANT TO TAKE A FUCK ALL DAY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S FROM EATINGALL THAT PUSSY.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)THEY SAID, "STOP," BUT I WAS,

LIKE, "I CAN'T STOP."

>> OKAY.

>> I LOVE SHITTING.

>> SO CHRIS CAN SHIT OUT ALL THEPUSSY HE EATS, BUT I CAN'T

FINGER NIKKI?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> OH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: SOMEHOW, WE'VE

MANAGED TO TAKE A NON-DIRTY SHOWAND MAKE IT OUR FILTHIEST

EPISODE EVER.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HELLO, CUTTING ROOM FLOOR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, DOUG, SOMEONEWITH FILM GOES IN AND CUTS THE

SHOW LIKE ON 35 MILLIMETER FILM.

>> IT'S AN EXPRESSION, CHRIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, HERE'S THE

FRAME WHERE RON SAID HE WANTEDTO FINGER NIKKI.

LET'S CUT THAT OUT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

OKAY. NIKKI?

>> UH, THAT SCRIPT FORHORSECANO, UH-- IT WAS A PIECE

OF SHIT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: IS THAT A SCI-FI

ORIGINAL MOVIE?

VOLCANO OF HORSES?

>> YES. HORSECANO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I DIDN'T... I

DIDN'T LAUGH INITIALLY WHEN YOUSAID IT, BUT THE MORE I THINK

ABOUT ALL THESE HORSES TEAM...

>> JUST GO WITH IT.

>> HARDWICK: 'CAUSE THEY'RE NOTEVEN DANGEROUS, BUT THERE'S JUST

SO MANY OF THEM.

>> PLEASE HAVE THEM REMEMBER ME.

>> HARDWICK: BIG, BELCHED UPFROM THE CENTER OF THE EARTH.

>> JUST HOT HORSES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL THESE WEIRD...

>> JUST BOLTING HORSES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL THIS WEIRDHORSE MAGMA.

THAT'S SORT OF LIKE HORSESMEGMA.

I'M SORRY. THAT WAS BAD.

(GROANING)HORSE MAGMA.

>> THAT, TOO. THAT, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, NIKKIGLASER.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS ONE WITH A...

>> JOE VERSUS THE HORSE SMEGMA.

>> HARDWICK: NO. THIS ONE...

WHAT IS THIS ONE?

UH, NIKKI?

(LAUGHTER)I FEEL LIKE... I FEEL LIKE THE

AUDIENCE HAS ALREADY WRITTENTHIS ONE.

NARROW MINDS.

>> GUYS...

>> HARDWICK: WHAT DO YOU... WHATDO YOU THINK?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA...?

>> UH, HOW MUCH TO WATCH YOU CRYAND JERK OFF?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

I'M SERIOUS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. AND...

>> I'M INTO IT.

>> HARDWICK: FOR YOU, THREE.

>> OH.

(LAUGHTER)THANK YOU.

>> I WANT TO DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, RON.

>> A BUSINESS IDEA-- WHITE POWERCARWASH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> BUSINESS IDEA.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, HEADSUP.

THIS NEXT ONE'S GOT POOP IN IT,I THINK.

YUP, THERE IT IS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, THIS IS MARIJUANA TEXT.

UH, GOT SOME REALLY HEADY SHIT,PRAISE THE LORD.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THE ONE WITH THE RARELY-USEDSLOT MACHINE.

I'VE NEVER USED THAT ONE BEFORE.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, THIS IS FOUR,SO IT'S ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER

ONES, A LITTLE...

THIS IS... THIS IS SOMEUPPER-LEVEL EMOJI.

DOUG.

>> IT'S THE NAME OF A HARRYPOTTER CHARACTER.

SLOTROW HORNBATH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

DOUG, DAMN IT!

I CAST THE POINTS AT THEE.

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH, UH, I ONCE SLOTTED IT

UP IN A CANOE, BUT I WAS STILLHORNY, SO I TOOK A BATH.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, FUNCHES.

SLOTTED UP.

>> SLOTTING IT UP.

LOOSE SLOTS.

>> HARDWICK: IS THAT WHATYOU...?

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MAN.

IS THAT HOW YOU REFER TO IT--SLOTTING IT UP?

(LAUGHTER)>> WASN'T UNTIL TODAY.

>> HARDWICK: RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, THIS IS THE OTHER SIDE TOTHAT SEXT.

UH, I GOT LUCKY IN MY BOAT, SHEGAVE THE OLD LOOPY TROMBONE.

I NEED A BATH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I'LL MEET YOU THERE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THERE.

>> THE OLD LOOPY TROMBONE.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> BETTER THAN A RUSTY TROMBONE.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

IT'S TIME FOR OUR LIVECHALLENGE-- FAN FICTION THEATRE.

FAN FICTION THEATRE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELL, YOU MAY KNOW, COUPLE WEEKS

AGO, I ASKED YOU GUYS TO COME UPWITH SOME @MIDNIGHT FAN

FICTION, AND YOU DID NOTDISAPPOINT.

YOU WROTE SOME GREAT SMUT.

OUR FAVORITE STEAMY ENTRY ISCALLED BUNCHES OF FUNCHES.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY TUMBLR USERSWEET ARE THE DISCORDS.

I SHALL PLAY THE PART OF CHRISHARDWICK, AND RON FUNCHES SHALL

PLAY RON FUNCHES, AND NIKKI ANDDOUG WILL SPLIT THE NARRATION.

IT'S TIME FOR FAN FICTIONTHEATRE!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(FANFARE PLAYS)

I AM GETTING INTO MY CHARACTER.

AND... BEGIN.

>> IT WAS A CRISP OCTOBEREVENING, AND I WAS SNUGGLED UP

BY THE FIRE WITH A LAPTOP AND ADR. WHO MUG FILLED WITH FROTHY,

HOT CHOCOLATE GOODNESS.

>> HARDWICK: OOH.

>> THE DOORBELL RANG.

(DOORBELL RINGS)I GOT UP AND OPENED THE DOOR TO

FIND A VERY WET, VERY COLD RONFUNCHES STANDING IN MY DOORWAY.

>> MY CAR BROKE DOWN, AND MYCELL PHONE DIED.

YOU WERE THE CLOSEST PERSON ITRUSTED.

>> HARDWICK: PLEASE COME IN.

GET INSIDE AND WARM YOURSELF BYTHE FIRE.

I SHALL FETCH BLANKETS FOR YOU.

YOU SHOULD CHANGE OUT OF THESECLOTHES.

BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, I DON'THAVE ANYTHING THAT WOULD FIT

YOU.

>> RON WAS A DELICIOUS,FULL-FIGURED MAN.

(LAUGHTER)A VAST CONTRAST FROM MY PALE AND

SLENDER FORM.

I HEADED BACK INTO THE LIVINGROOM TO FIND RON STANDING THERE

IN NOTHING BUT HIS BRIGHT WHITEBRIEFS... THAT GLOWED AGAINST

HIS MOIST, BLACK THIGHS.

BUT...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST MAKE A ROBE OUT OFTHESE BLANKETS.

>> RON SAID, GIGGLING LIKE ASENSUAL ASIAN PRINCESS.

(LAUGHTER)(RON GIGGLES)

IT'S TIME FOR OUR SPEED GAMEHARDWICKIPEDIA.

HARDWICKIPEDIA.

IN HONOR OF OUR 100TH EPISODE,OUR COMEDIANS TONIGHT ARE THE

THREE MOST DECORATED WINNERS OF@MIDNIGHT.

SO THERE ARE NO LOSERS HERE,EXCEPT FOR THE TWO PEOPLE WHO

DON'T WIN.

SO, WE GOT OUR OFFICIALSTATISTICS FROM WIKIPEDIA, SO

YOU KNOW IT'S GOT TO BE CORRECT.

AND THANKS TO WIKIPEDIA USERJZUMMAK-- UH, HE'S THE GUY THAT

ESSENTIALLY EDITS, WE FOUND OUT,OUR WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

PEOPLE THINK WIKIPEDIA IS LIKEAN ENCYCLOPEDIA-- IT'S NOT.

IT'S A CATALOG OF SOURCEDINFORMATION.

THINGS HAVE TO BE SOURCED INORDER TO BE WRITTEN ON WIKIPEDIA

TO BE ACCEPTED AS TRUE.

SO WE WOULD LIKE TO USE THISSPEED GAME AS A SOURCE FOR REAL

FACTS ABOUT @MIDNIGHT THAT CANNOW BE VERIFIED ON THE SHOW THAT

MUST NOW APPEAR ON THE WIKIPEDIAPAGE.

SO... I WOULD LIKE YOU COMEDIANSTO LIST SOME REAL FACTS ABOUT

@MIDNIGHT.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG BENSON.

>> UH, DOUG BENSON GETS HIGHBEFORE THE SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RON FUNCHES.

>> UH, CHRIS HARDWICK ISACTUALLY TWO YOUNG CHILDREN

SITTING ON EACH OTHER'SSHOULDERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

I'M GLAD... I'M GLAD PEOPLEFINALLY KNOW.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> FACT, CHRIS HARDWICK WASRAISED BY BOWLING BALLS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S TRUE.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RON.

>> UH, THIS IS SHOT ON THEORIGINAL I LOVE LUCY STAGE.

THAT'S JUST A REAL FACT THAT WESHOULD ALL KNOW AND LOVE AND

REPRESENT AND RESPECT OURHISTORY.

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS TRUE!

THIS STAGE WAS THE ORIGINAL ILOVE LUCY STAGE.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> AFTER EVERY @MIDNIGHTAPPEARANCE, THE SHEER NUMBER OF

DICK JOKES CAUSED ME TO CEASEMENSTRUATING FOR ABOUT A MONTH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, THAT WASSOURCED ON HERE, SO NOW WE KNOW

IT'S TRUE.

POINTS.

THAT'S THE END OFHARDWICKIPEDIA.

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