D.L. Hughley: Shocked and Appalled

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 05/15/2005

D.L. Hughley takes on race, politics and marriage. Also, he's very sorry about the whole "Soul Plane" thing.

A BIG ASS BAG OF JIFFY POP,

DON'T IT JUST...

[LAUGHTER]

ONE OF THE POPCORN IS BURNED,

JESUS [BLEEP].

UH, IF YOU SAW SOUL PLANE,

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO Y'ALL

FOR THAT [BLEEP] RIGHT NOW,

THAT'S...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE [BLEEP] MOVIE

EVER MADE I, I WAS SO

EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT MOVIE

I CASHED MY CHECK WITH A

MASK ON, "HERE TAKE THIS

[BLEEP]."

I WOULD GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY

BACK BUT YOU CAN'T GIVE BOOTLEG

MONEY BACK CAN YOU, DAMN IT?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE THAT'S WHAT IT IS,

BLACK PEOPLE WE GOT DIFFERENT,

WE GOT DIFFERENT DESCRIPTIONS

LIKE AND NOW MARTHA STEWART IS

IN TROUBLE FOR INSIDER TRADING.

SEE WHITE FOLKS Y'ALL CALL IT

INSIDER TRADING.

BLACK FOLK CALL IT THE HOOK UP.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND UH...

WE GOT JUST DIFFERENCE

DESCRIPTIONS.

LIKE YOU GUYS CALL IT PIRACY,

BLACK PEOPLE CALL IT A BOOTLEG.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

YOU CALL IT COPYRIGHT

INFRINGEMENT AND WE CALL IT A

REMIX, YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M

SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOT OF STUFF IN THE NEWS.

UNFORTUNATELY RONALD REAGAN

PASSED ON AND THAT WAS VERY SAD

BUT THAT FUNERAL WAS TOO

[BLEEP] DAMN LONG.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT...

FIVE DAYS!

IF BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T BURIED

YOU IN FIVE DAYS, WE DONE RAN

OUT OF MONEY THAT'S ALL THE

DONE HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER]

OR WE WAITIN' FOR SOMEBODY

TO COME IN TOWN.

"YEAH, LUDELL WON'T FLY, SHE ON

THE GREYHOUND SO UH, WE GONNA

KEEP HIM ON ICE 'TIL SHE GET

HERE."

RONALD REAGAN DIED AND WENT ON

TOUR, AIN'T THAT A BITCH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS GOING ALL AROUND THE

COUNTRY.

I DON'T...

AND THEN SOME REPORTER CAME ON,

"THE SHOCKING DEATH OF RONALD

REAGAN."

RONALD REAGAN WAS 93!

WHEN YOU 93 YOU SHOCKED YOU

WOKE UP AGAIN, THAT'S THE ONLY

THING SHOCKING ABOUT 93.

"OH, I GOT DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN,

HUH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME REPORTER CAME ON AND SAID,

"HE WAS A GREAT MAN WHO CHANGED

THE WORLD AND MADE THE WORLD

BETTER FOR ALL MANKIND."

NOW HE MAY HAVE BEEN A GREAT

AMERICAN PRESIDENT TO SOME

PEOPLE BUT GREAT MEN WHO CHANGE

THE WORLD AND MAKE THE WORLD

BETTER FOR ALL MANKIND,

DO NOT GET TO DIE OF NATURAL

CAUSES.

SOMEBODY KILLS THEM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

JUST THE FACTS.

WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT DID

ANY GOOD THAT DIED OF OLD AGE?

NOT JESUS, JFK, MARTIN LUTHER

KING, WHEN YOU DO GOOD YOUR

REWARD IS A BULLET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS DUDE LIVED LONGER THAN

JESUS, JFK AND TUPAC, ALL PUT

TOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HE DIDN'T PISS OF THE RIGHT

PEOPLE THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

MICHAEL JACKSON'S IN TROUBLE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW

MICHAEL JACKSON GOT IN TROUBLE

'CAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO

THE PARENTS DUMB ENOUGH TO DROP

THEIR KIDS OFF AT MICHAEL

JACKSON'S HOUSE?

I DON'T GET HOW YOU DO THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE YOU JUST, YOU JUST

PULL UP, 'CAUSE MICHAEL IS A

GREAT SINGER BUT HE IS A

[BLEEP] BABYSITTER.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE YOU PULL UP, "MOMMY'S

GOING TO WORK, YOU STAY HERE

WITH THE MAN WITH THE SILVER

GLOVE AND THE MONKEY."

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T NOBODY TRUST MICHAEL

JACKSON WITH THEY KIDS.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEE NONE OF

TITO'S KIDS SPENDING THE NIGHT

OVER MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WE WANT TO SEE UNCLE MICHAEL."

"WELL, PUT A THRILLER VIDEO IN,

THAT'S THE CLOSEST WE COMING."

[LAUGHTER]

JANET JACKSON'S IN TROUBLE.

JANET JACKSON'S IN TROUBLE

'CAUSE HER BREAST CAME OUT

DURING THE SUPER BOWL.

AND THESE PEOPLE LOST THEY DAMN

MINDS.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE JANET JACKSON

PULLED HER BREAST OUT DURING

THE SUPER BOWL!

FOR [BLEEP] SAKE, THE SUPER BOWL

IS FAMILY HOUR!"

IF THAT AIN'T THE MOST

HYPOCRITICAL THING I EVER SEEN

'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU, I WATCH

THE SUPER BOWL.

AND ALL I SAW WAS BEER AND

VIAGRA COMMERCIALS.

THAT'S ALL I SAW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND UM...

I, I, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU

BUT WHEN I DRINK A BEER AND

TAKE A VIAGRA I NEED TO SEE A

TITTY, THAT'S THE WAY IT GO

FOR ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OTHERWISE...

OTHERWISE, IT'S FALSE

ADVERTISING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JANET STOPPED ME FROM SUING

SOMEBODY.

"OH, ALL RIGHT I HAD BEEN SEEN

A TITTY OR..."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS

COUNTRY GOT SO UPSET ABOUT

JANET JACKSON PULLING HER

BREAST OUT.

DO YOU KNOW IN THE PRIME TIME

TELEVISION HOUR 56 ACTS OF SEX

OCCUR AND WE LOSE OUR MIND?

WE'RE A NATION OBSESSED BY SEX,

WE ARE.

WE ARE OBSESSED BY SEX.

WE GOT LAVITRA, VIAGRA AND

CIALUS.

WE FIXED THE [BLEEP] BEFORE

WE CURED CANCER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

"HEY, HEY DOC IS HE GONNA

MAKE IT?

I MEAN HE HAS CANCER."

"YEAH, HE GONNA MAKE IT...

WITH THE NURSE.

"YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THIS DUDE

IN THERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE GOT VIAGRA.

YOU SEEN THIS VIAGRA COMMERCIAL,

"HEY JIM, ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

JIM, DID YOU GET A HAIRCUT?"

NO, JIM'S [BLEEP].

JIM IS [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CIALUS LAST 36 HOURS.

TWO OLD ASS PEOPLE SWINGING IN A

HAMMOCK.

YOU SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL?

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU KNOW I GOT 36 HOURS.

AND GOT THE DUMBEST WARNINGS

IN THE WORLD.

"IF YOU HAVE AN ERECTION

FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS,

YOU SHOULD CALL A DOCTOR."

IF I GOT AN ERECTION FOR MORE

THAN FOUR HOURS, I'M A CALL

A HOOKER, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT

Y'ALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TRYING TO BE A LEGEND

AROUND HERE.

HE GOT OFF, MAN.

KOBE, I DID--

I AM--

I DON'T KNOW.

I, I JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

[APPLAUSE]

KOBE BRYANT TAUGHT ME A LOT,

'CAUSE I NEVER ORDER

ROOM SERVICE AGAIN AS LONG AS

I LIVE.

"HEY GIRL, DROP IT OFF IN THE

HALLWAY, I PICK IT UP WHEN YOU

WALK AWAY."

'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO $4 MILLION

TO BUY MY WIFE A PURPLE DIAMOND

TO APOLOGIZE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF A HALLMARK CARD AIN'T GETTING

IT DONE WE AIN'T STAYING

TOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW THE WOMAN THAT SAID KOBE

RAPED HER HAD THREE DUDES SEAMAN

INSIDE HER.

THAT'S THE ALLEGATION.

THREE DUDES.

SHE HAD MORE [BLEEP] IN HER

THAN A SNICKER BAR.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN I'M NOT SAYING SHE DIDN'T

GET RAPED, BUT I AM SAYING SHE

AIN'T NO STRANGER TO [BLEEP].

THAT'S THE ONLY THING I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHITE FOLK, I'M TIRED OF

Y'ALL, WE GONNA HELP Y'ALL OUT.

IF YOU KNOW ANYBODY WHO LIVES

IN A HURRICANE AREA...

[LAUGHTER]

IN A TRAILER PARK...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LET THEM KNOW THAT IF

YOUR HOUSE IS ON WHEELS...

AND THE HURRICANE IS COMING...

DRIVE THE [BLEEP] OFF!

DRIVE OFF.

JUST, JUST PULL AWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLACK PEOPLE WE GET THE HELL OUT

WHEN A HURRICANE IS COMING.

WE HOPE IT BLOW ON THE FIRST DAY

WHEN WE AIN'T GOT TO PAY RENT.

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M NOT PAYING FOR THIS HOUSE

THAT AIN'T HERE NO MORE.

YOU SEE IT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT..."

WHITE PEOPLE WON'T RUN,

[CAUCASIAN ACCENT] "I'M NOT

GONNA RUN.

GIVE ME SOME NAILS AND SOME

WOOD."

[HAMMERING SOUND]

THEY PUT THEY DOGS IN THE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW BLACK PEOPLE'S DOGS

CATCH HELL IN A HURRICANE.

THEY AIN'T GOING IN THE HOUSE.

THEY BE OUTSIDE GOING, "OH JES--

OH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELP!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

'CAUSE STUFF THAT HAPPEN TO

WHITE FOLKS DON'T HAPPEN TO

NOBODY ELSE.

IT DOES.

I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

AND TWO PEOPLE WERE MAULED BY

MOUNTAIN LIONS.

AND I KNEW RIGHT AWAY THEY

WASN'T BLACK PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE WE DON'T HIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CAUCASIAN ACCENT] "I'M GOING,

I'M GOING WALKING IN THE WOODS

WITH A STICK."

[LAUGHTER]

ONLY WAY A MOUNTAIN LION GONNA

EVER GET BLACK PEOPLE IS IF IT

LEARN HOW TO PICK A LOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T MESS WITH

DEATH.

LIKE IT'S ONLY WHITE DAREDEVILS.

ONLY WHITE DAREDEVILS.

YOU DON'T SEE NO BLACK

DAREDEVIL.

[CAUCASIAN ACCENT] HAH,

I'M GONNA TEASE YOU DEATH.

HA-HA, DIDN'T GET ME THIS TIME.

ONE DUDE JUMPED OVER NIAGARA

FALLS.

BLACK PEOPLE WE DO NOT [BLEEP]

WITH DEATH 'CAUSE IT'S DANGEROUS

ENOUGH JUST BEING BLACK.

IT IS.

IT'S DANGEROUS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE COULD HAVE AN EXCITING DAY

JUST DOING REGULAR [BLEEP].

IF WE WANT TO DO SOMETHING

REALLY DANGEROUS WE'LL DRIVE

THROUGH THE SUBURBS FULL DEEP

WITH A TAILLIGHT OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OR FILL OUT A CREDIT

APPLICATION.

AND STAY THERE WHILE IT'S

PRINTING OUT.

"YEAH, I'LL STAY HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A STAY RIGHT HERE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE, YOU GUYS

HAVE NO NATURAL FEAR,

THEY AIN'T SCARED OF THE POLICE.

THEY'LL TALK [BLEEP] TO THE

POLICE.

[CAUCASIAN ACCENT]

"HURRY UP AND WRITE THE [BLEEP]

DAMN TICKET, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PIG.

GIVE ME YOUR BADGE NUMBER,

ASS [BLEEP].

YOU'RE AN ASS [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DON'T WORK FOR US.

"GIVE ME YOUR BADGE NUMBER.

OH!

[BEATING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, OH!

I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BLACK PEOPLE AND LATIN PEOPLE

GOT A WHOLE DIFFERENT

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE POLICE.

YOU EVER HAD THE POLICE FOLLOW

YOU SO LONG YOU GET SUSPICIOUS

AT YOUR OWN [BLEEP] DAMN--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, MAYBE I DID KILL THEM

PEOPLE.

I GUESS I'M GONNA TURN MYSELF

IN.

I--

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF COMMON SENSE, JUST A

LITTLE COMMON SENSE.

WHITE PEOPLE, I'M SO TIRED OF

Y'ALL GETTING SHOT AT WORK.

IT'S SO [BLEEP] UNNECESSARY.

IF YOU AIN'T SURE WHAT THE DUDE

JUST WATCH THE BLACK PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK, HERE'S A...

HERE'S A RULE OF THUMB,

WHEN BLACK PEOPLE RUN

YOU RUN.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO KNOW WHY.

THEY'RE RUNNING, LET'S GO,

COME ON.

COME ON.

'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE CAN JUST

SENSE WHEN STUFF AIN'T RIGHT.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

DO-DO-DO-DO-DO.

THIS DUDE IS CRAZY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MM-HMM.

SOMETHING OFF, SOMETHING OFF

JUST...

MM-HMM, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, HE CRAZY.

I'M GOING HOME, THIS DUDE

TRYING TO MAKE THE NEWS.

DAMN THIS.

WHITE PEOPLE WALK RIGHT UP

TO THE TROUBLE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE

WITH THAT SHOTGUN?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO--

[BEATING NOISE]

WE BE AT HOME, "I WAS JUST

THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNEW IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY DONE SHOT AT THE JOB.

THEY DID KILLED THE SUPERVISOR.

I'M GONNA APPLY FOR THE JOB

TOMORROW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE AIN'T COMING BACK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF 9-11,

WHICH WAS VERY SAD.

I THINK EVERYBODY REMEMBERS

WHAT THEY WERE DOING ON 9-11.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT

AN ANNIVERSARY BECAUSE AN

ANNIVERSARY IS GENERALLY

SOMETHING YOU WANT TO REMEMBER.

AND THAT WAS A VERY TRAGIC DAY.

I REMEMBER I WAS FLYING IN FROM

JAPAN.

I HAD SOME GIGS OVER THERE.

AND MY BROTHER-IN-LAW CALLED ME

EARLY IN THE MORNING HE SAID,

"MAN, ARE YOU WATCHING THIS

[BLEEP]?"

I SAID, "WHAT [BLEEP]?"

HE SAID, "TURN ON THE TV."

I SAID, "MAN, WHAT CHANNEL?"

"MOTHER [BLEEP], ANY CHANNEL."

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN SOMEBODY SAY ANY CHANNEL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I MEAN I HAVE A GED AND I'M SURE

I'M NOT AS BRIGHT...

[LAUGHTER]

AS MANY OF THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE

OF OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES.

BUT I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A SHOT.

IF FOUR DUDES FROM THE

MIDDLE EAST GO DOWN TO FLORIDA

TO LEARN HOW TO FLY, AND DON'T

NOBODY WANT TO LEARN HOW TO LAND

OR TAKE OFF...

SOMETHING IS [BLEEP] UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S--

THAT'S JUST IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S JUST...

ALL OF THESE MISTAKES; MISTAKES

DURING 9-11 MISTAKES DURING THE

WAR IN IRAQ AND NOT ONE PERSON

IS FIRED, THAT'S THE DEAL.

IF SOMEBODY--

LOOK, IF YOU WORK AT THE GAP...

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU FOLD A SWEATER WRONG

YOUR ASS FIRED.

THESE DUDES MAN, NOW THEY GOT

THE TERROR ALERT.

AND THE TERROR ALERT, MAN,

"IT'S ORANGE, IT'S YELLOW,

IT'S RED."

WHO THE HELL IS PROTECTING

THE SKITTLES?

WHAT TYPE OF [BLEEP] IS THAT?

PROMISE TO PROTECT YOU SO THEY

GIVE YOU STUPID THINGS.

"OH, IF WE EVER HAVE A CHEMICAL

ATTACK WE WANT YOU TO BUY

PLASTIC AND DUCK TAPE.

AND THAT WILL KEEP YOU SAFE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT AMAZES ME THAT PEOPLE IN

THIS COUNTRY ARE ALWAYS SHOCKED,

LIKE WHITE FOLKS, YOU GUYS ARE

ALWAYS SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

LIKE, [CAUCASIAN ACCENT]

"I'M SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I'M SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

I..."

YOU KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE ARE

NEVER SHOCKED?

'CAUSE TO BE SHOCKED YOU GOT

TO BELIEVE THAT THINGS ARE

DIFFERENT THAN YOU BELIEVE

THEY ARE.

NOTHING SHOCKS BLACK PEOPLE.

WE ALWAYS BELIEVE PEOPLE AIN'T

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

WE DO!

WE BELIEVE IT!

[APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY WAS SHOCKED THAT THE

NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR WAS GAY

EXCEPT BLACK PEOPLE.

WE WAS LIKE GOING, "UH, I KNEW

HE WAS GAY.

I COULD TELL, I KNEW HE WAS

GAY."

[LAUGHTER]

A SPACE SHIP COULD LAND IN HERE

RIGHT NOW WHITE FOLK WILL

RUN UP.

BLACK FOLK WILL, "I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT 'CAUSE MY KNEE WAS

HURTING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEW!

WHEW!

AND MY KNEE ALWAYS HURT WHEN

SOME BULL [BLEEP] ABOUT TO

HAPPEN.

AS A MATTER OF FACT WHAT'S

TODAY?

THE 20th, I'M A PLAY THAT

NUMBER, DAMN THAT...

TRY TO SEE..."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT THEY

MAKE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.

LIKE BLACK PEOPLE ARE GONNA

HAVE A BOMB IN OUR [BLEEP] DAMN

SHOES.

AS MUCH MONEY WE PAY FOR SHOES

YOU MUST BE OUT YOUR MIND.

I MEAN, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I MEAN OUR SHOES IS THE BOMB

BUT THEY AIN'T A BOMB.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY YOU MESSING WITH ME ANYWAY?

USE SOME COMMON SENSE.

LOOK FOR THE MOTHER [BLEEP]

TIPTOEING DOWN THE AISLE.

THAT'S THE ONE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"MOVE BACK, I AM FINE.

I AM FINE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DEFINITELY FOR THE WAR IN

AFGHANISTAN 'CAUSE I'M NOT LIKE

ONE OF THOSE PEACEFUL DUDES.

LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WITH THOSE

STUPID ASS BUMPER STICKERS,

"WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER."

THAT DEPEND ON WHAT THE QUESTION

IS.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES A GOOD

ASS WHOOPIN' IS JUST WHAT

SOMEBODY NEED.

THAT'S THE DEAL, I'M NOT

KIDDING.

I'M NOT SAYING ALL THE TIME.

[APPLAUSE]

I WAS FOR THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN

'CAUSE THEY WERE HARBORING THE

PEOPLE THAT WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR

9-11.

TO ME WE WAITED TOO LONG TO

GET THEM MOTHER [BLEEP].

THEY DID THAT [BLEEP] ON

SEPTEMBER 11th AND WE SHOULD

HAVE BEEN IN THEIR ASS

SEPTEMBER 11th AND A HALF.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS GETTING IMPATIENT.

I STARTED TO WALK INTO 7-ELEVEN

AND SLAP THE HELL OUT OF

SOMEBODY.

"GET ME A SLURPEE YOU SON OF A

BITCH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND $5 ON THE LOTTO.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NUMBER 20."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM NOT WITH THE WAR IN IRAQ.

I AIN'T-- NOT TO SAY I DON'T

SUPPORT THE TROOPS, I DO.

I UNDERSTAND THAT THOSE MEN

DO NOT GET TO DECIDE WHERE THEY

GO.

THEY HAVE TO GO WHERE THEY'RE

STATIONED.

AND GOD BLESS 'EM I WANT 'EM ALL

TO RETURN SAFELY.

AND I DO NOT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THAT WHEN YOU START

A WAR FOR A REASON YOU HAVE

AN OBLIGATION TO MAKE SURE THAT

REASON IS THE TRUTH.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY SOMEBODY

HAVE SOMETHING THEY SHOULD HAVE

IT.

THAT'S IT.

[APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER WHEN COLIN POWELL WENT

TO THE U.N. HAD ALL THEM

[BLEEP] DAMN GRAPHS AND

CARTOONS.

[MIMICKING COLIN POWELL]

"WELL, THEY HAVE THIS RIGHT

HERE.

AND THEY CAN TAKE THIS ONE OF

THESE AND SHOOT 'EM OVER HERE.

AND THAT WON'T BE GOOD.

AND THEN UNDER HERE THAT CAN

HAPPEN.

AND BASICALLY WE HAVE TO BLOW

THIS WHOLE AREA UP RIGHT HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW IT'S DANGEROUS 'CAUSE NOW

WE HAVE CIVIL WAR.

WE HAVE MEN WHO MAY NOT

NECESSARILY HATE FREEDOM.

WHAT THEY HATE IS OTHER MEN

TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO.

NO ONE LIKES OTHER MEN TELLING

THEM WHAT TO DO.

IF SOMEBODY INVADED THIS COUNTRY

THEY WOULD CATCH HELL BECAUSE

WE DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TELL US

WHAT TO DO.

MEN WHO ARE NOT AFRAID TO DIE

YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING WITH.

THEY AIN'T SCARED TO DIE.

SEE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING

TO DO.

THEY DEAL IS--

[APPLAUSE]

IN ORDER--

EVEN IF ME AND YOU PLAYING

BASKETBALL IN ORDER FOR ME

TO BEAT YOU I HAVE TO KNOW YOUR

STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES.

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR

YOUR STRENGTH AND KNOW YOUR

WEAKNESSES.

I HAVE TO DO THAT.

BUT WE DON'T DO THAT.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE

PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND US.

WE HAVE DIFFERENT RELIGIOUS

BELIEFS.

LIKE HERE WE BELIEVE IN THEN

COUNTRY THAT IF YOU KILL

YOURSELF IT IS A SIN AND YOU GO

TO HELL.

THEY BELIEVE IF THEY KILL

THEMSELVES FIGHTING THEIR ENEMY

IT IS AN HONOR AND THEY GO TO

HEAVEN.

AND THE [BLEEP] UP THING ABOUT

IT SOMEBODY RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA WAIT TILL THE CREDITS

ROLL ON THIS MOVIE BEFORE I WALK

OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE CALL THEM COWARDS, WE DON'T

UNDERSTAND.

THEY'RE NOT COWARDS.

YOU AIN'T A COWARD WHEN YOU

STAY IN THE CAR YOU KNOW GONNA

BLOW UP.

'CAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

THE TIME I LEFT THE RALLY.

"AH, THIS ALLAH THING AIN'T

WORKING OUT.

DAMN, THAT HURT.

OOH, I'M GONNA GO DOWN HERE AND

SEE WHAT THEM JEHOVAH WITNESSES

IS UP TO.

OOH."

HOLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

THE POPE BELIEVES WHEN HE DIES

HE'S GONNA SIT AT THE FOOT OF

GOD.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE POPE BELIEVES THAT THE

WORST COULD HAPPEN TO HIM IF

HE PASSES ON IS THAT HE

IMMEDIATELY GOES TO HEAVEN.

THAT WHAT HE SAYS.

BUT EVERY TIME I SEE THE POPE

IN PUBLIC HE GOT THAT

BULLETPROOF GLASS WRAPPED AROUND

HIM.

WHICH LET ME KNOW HE DON'T

BELIEVE ALL THAT [BLEEP] HE

TALKING.

THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PRAISE THE LORD AND THEN RAISE

THE GLASS UP.

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GOT A

NEW POPE BECAUSE THIS ONE DON'T

GO OUT.

YOU EVER SEE...?

HE BE TAKING A NAP DURING THE

BLESSINGS.

AH-HUH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLESS YOU.

BLESS YOU.

GOSH, LET 'EM TAKE A NAP.

TAKE THAT HEAVY ASS HAT OFF

HIS HEAD OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE TURNED IT

INTO SOME KIND OF RELIGIOUS WAR

'CAUSE YOU'LL SEE SENATORS ON

TV SAYING STUFF, "WE HAD TO

ATTACK IRAQ 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE

MORAL AUTHORITY IN THE WORLD."

NOW RIGHT AFTER THAT A

COMMERCIAL WILL COME ON FOR

"GIRLS GONE WILD."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY COUNTRY.

I LOVE IT MADLY.

I WOULD FIGHT FOR IT, I WOULD

KILL FOR IT, I'D DIE FOR BUT

TO BELIEVE THAT GOD ONLY LOVES

THIS COUNTRY IS LUNACY.

GOD DOESN'T JUDGE YOU BY WHAT

COUNTRY YOU WERE BORN IN.

WHAT FLAG YOU HAVE.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T GET TO SHOW YOUR

PASSPORT AND GET A BETTER PLACE

IN HEAVEN.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

GOD LOVES YOU BASED ON YOUR

INDIVIDUAL ACTIONS AND THE

PROBLEM IS THAT GOVERNMENT TRIES

TO BELIEVE THEY ARE GOD

THAT'S THE DEAL.

"WE PUT 'EM ON OUR MONEY

FOR [BLEEP] SAKE THAT MUST MEAN

WE'RE CLOSER TO HIM."

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GOVERNMENT MUST THINK THAT

THEY GOD 'CAUSE THEY WANT

33 AND A THIRD OF YOUR MONEY

AND GOD ONLY WANTS 10%!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M NOT NO THEOLOGICAL

SCHOLAR BUT I'M SURE THAT PISSES

GOD OFF A LITTLE BIT.

HE'S UP THERE "WHO THE HELL IS

FICA?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A NATION FULL OF THE DUMBEST

KIDS I EVER SEEN IN MY--

I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT

Y'ALL KIDS, I'VE GOT THREE

DUMB ASS KIDS AT HOME, TOO.

AND THEY JUST OUT OF SHAPE.

HOW THE [BLEEP] YOU FIVE AND

FAT?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

"COME HERE."

"I CAN'T, I'M FIVE AND I'M FAT.

[APPLAUSE]

I'LL COME IF YOU GIVE ME

A SNACK, I'LL BE THERE,

I'LL COME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE MADE THEM SOFT.

AND THEY SOFT, JUST [BLEEP]

SOFT.

YOU LEAVE 'EM IN THE CAR IN THE

SUMMER AND THEY DIE.

WHAT TYPE OF [BLEEP] IS THAT?

WE GOT LEFT IN THE CAR IN THE

SUMMER AND WE DIDN'T DIE

'CAUSE WE HAD SENSE ENOUGH

TO GET OUT THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S...

"IT'S--

IT'S HOT.

WE'RE IN THE CAR.

ARE WE GONNA DIE?"

"NOT ME, I'M GONNA GET OUT

THE CAR."

"MAMA SAID DON'T GET OUT

THE CAR."

"I'LL TAKE THE WHOOPIN' THEN.

YOU--"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WHEN THEY CAN'T LEARN

WE MAKE EXCUSES.

INSTEAD OF MAKING THE SCHOOLS

BE ACCOUNTABLE AND HOLDING

THE SCHOOL SYSTEMS ACCOUNTABLE.

"OH, NO, NO, NO, YOUR CHILD

CAN'T LEARN 'CAUSE HE HAS A

LEARNING DISABILITY, ADD OR

DYSLEXIA.

WHEN WE WAS GROWING UP WAS

NO SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION.

IF YOU COULDN'T LEARN YOU WERE

JUST STUPID.

THEY'LL TELL YOUR MAMA AT THE

PTA MEETING.

"OH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY SON?"

"YOUR SON IS DUMB AS HELL,

MRS. HUGHLEY.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE KEEP

COMING."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I KNEW I WAS DUMB 'CAUSE

I WENT TO THE LITTLE SCHOOL IN

THE BACK OF THE REAL SCHOOL.

HAD THE CHAIN LINK FENCE AROUND

IT.

GO AT 10:00 GET OUT AT 12:00.

ALL THE STUDENTS HAD A BIG HEAD

AND A LITTLE LEG.

YOU GUYS ARE RETARDED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE THAN

WHITE FOLK.

YOU ALL GOT A CHILD WHO'S KIND

OF SLOW YOU ALL SEND 'EM TO A

SPECIAL SCHOOL.

BLACK FOLK WON'T EVEN ADMIT

NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THEIR CHILD.

"GET YOUR CRAZY ASS IN THIS

HOUSE.

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT

BOY.

HE ALWAYS WEAR A FOOTBALL HELMET

AND A COWBOY BOOTS."

YOU KNOW HE'S CRAZY.

THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD WITH

SPIDERMAN UNDERWEAR ON STANDING

IN THE SCREEN DOOR EATING

GRAHAM CRACKERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T ACT LIKE IT'S JUST ME.

ANYBODY LIKE ME GOT A SON WHO

YOU PRETTY SURE SOMETHING

WRONG WITH BUT YOU DON'T GET HIM

TESTED 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT

THAT LITTLE SQUARE BUS PULLING

UP IN FRONT OF YOUR DAMN HOUSE.

SEE, WOMEN NEVER WANT TO ADMIT

NOTHING'S WRONG WITH THEIR SON.

"OH, HE'S FINE."

FATHER GOING, "THIS SON OF A

BITCH IS CRAZY."

"I'M SLEEPING WITH THE DOOR

LOCKED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THERE IS A DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN LITTLE GIRLS AND LITTLE

BOYS.

LITTLE GIRLS PROBLEM IS THAT

THEY PROBABLY THINK THEY TOO

DAMN SMART.

THEY THINK THEY'RE SO SMART THEY

TRY TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING.

THAT'S ANNOYING.

LITTLE BOYS ARE DUMB.

DON'T ACT LIKE--

IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE BOY--

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOUR SON DO

SOMETHING AND YOU GO, "WHAT

THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU THINKING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU STICK A

FORK IN AN ELECTRICAL OUTLET?"

"I-- I--

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

I-- I JUST--

I WANTED TO SEE WHERE THE

ELECTRICITY CAME FROM.

AND NOW I--

I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE.

I KNOW--

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ANGRY BUT

I--

I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A SON HE DON'T KNOW

[BLEEP].

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT ARE YOU STUPID OR

SOMETHING."

"MAYBE I AM, I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW HE PLAYING THE FLUTE

AT SCHOOL.

THE FLUTE IS THE GAYEST

INSTRUMENT IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

THE FLUTE IS THE SOUNDTRACK

FOR AN ASS WHOOPIN'.

THAT'S WHAT THE FLUTE IS.

AIN'T NO FATHER PROUD OF SON

PLAYING THE DAMN FLUTE.

THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

AND WOMEN ALWAYS, "OH, AT LEAST

HE'S PLAYING SOME INSTRUMENT."

NOT ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT ONE OF THEM, I'M NOT HAPPY.

DL Hughley: MY WIFE AH...

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I LOVE MY WIFE A LOT BUT AH

I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO HER FOR

18 YEARS.

AND THANK GOD SHE MARRIED ME

WHEN I WAS AH...

I LOVE HER.

BUT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE WILL NOT GET A DAMN JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES, "WHY, WHY, WHY,

WHY WOULD I WORK?

WHY WOULD I WORK?

YOU'RE MY JOB, WHY WOULD I NEED

A JOB."

AND NOT--

LOOK AT ALL THE LAZY ASS WOMEN

IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT HER TO WORK 'CAUSE I WANT

HER TO HAVE A HOBBY.

BECAUSE WHEN A WOMAN DON'T WORK

SHE WANT TO GO EVERYWHERE

YOU GO.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"I'M GOING TO THE STORE."

"OOH, I WANT TO GO."

[LAUGHTER]

"[BLEEP], I'M STAYING HOME.

I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE JUST SIT AT HOME AND THINK

OF STUFF SHE WANT TO DO.

"WE SHOULD ROLE PLAY."

"BABY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"WE-- WE SHOULD ROLE PLAY.

LIKE WE SHOULD MEET SOMEWHERE.

LIKE YOU SHOULD MEET SOMEWHERE

AND PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T

KNOW ME AND PICK ME UP."

OKAY.

AND I'LL SAY, "ALL RIGHT, BABY,

WE'LL ROLE PLAY, WE'LL ROLE

PLAY.

LET'S-- LET'S MEET AT A BAR AND

I'M GONNA PRETEND LIKE YOU JUST

CAME FROM WORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN WE GONNA HAVE DINNER

AND YOU GONNA PAY BECAUSE YOU

JUST--

YOU JUST GOT A CHECK FROM WORK.

AND THEN WE LEAVE THE RESTAURANT

AND GO HOME EARLY SO YOU CAN GO

TO BED 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GO TO

WORK."

"THAT AIN'T NO FANTASY!"

"THAT'S MY [BLEEP] DAMN

FANTASY."

THAT'S MY FANTASY.

MOM, WHICH IS A VERY NOBLE

THING.

BUT NOW OUR CHILDREN ARE 17 AND

15 AND 13.

AND RATHER THAN BE HAPPY THAT

THEY LEAVING THE HOUSE, BECAUSE

SHE'S ALWAYS DEFINED HERSELF

AS A MOTHER, AND THAT IS A

NOBLE THING, BUT WHEN THE KIDS

MOVE ON IT'S TIME TO GET A NEW

DEFINITION.

BUT HER ANSWER IS "WE SHOULD

HAVE SOME MORE KIDS."

I'M LIKE "I JUST STARTED LIKING

THESE MOTHER [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

TO HELL I'M GONNA TAKE A CHANCE

ON A STRANGER FOR.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I ONLY LIKE MY KIDS 'CAUSE

THEY'RE MINE AND I KNOW BECAUSE

I GOT 'EM TESTED.

DAMN THAT.

COME ON DOWN TO THE DOCTOR MAKE

SURE YOUR MOMMY BEEN TELLING

THE TRUTH ALL THIS TIME.

"WHERE ARE WE GOING DADDY?"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT 'TIL THE

RESULTS COME BACK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA CALL YOU?"

"CALL ME THE MAN [BLEEP] WITH

YOUR MAMA.

NOW GET IN THE CAR AND COME ON."

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE WANTS KIDS SO BAD THAT

I DO NOT TRUST HER TO TAKE HER

BIRTH CONTROL PILL.

MY WIFE WILL DO THAT.

"IT'S A MIRACLE.

PRAISE THE LORD."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I'VE GOT TO TAKE MATTERS

IN MY OWN HAND.

I'M PULLING OUT, "WHERE ARE YOU

GOING?"

"SOMEBODY CALLED ME ON THE

PHONE."

"IF WE HAVE ANOTHER BABY

YOU'LL BE RINGING IT OUT OF

THIS SHEET.

DAMN THAT."

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T.

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA CALL IT?"

"CALL IT COMFORTER, I DON'T

GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU CALL IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIKE MY KIDS.

AND I DON'T LIKE 'EM 'CAUSE

THEY'RE SMART ASSES.

THEY WON'T LET ME HELP 'EM

WITH THEIR HOMEWORK 'CAUSE

THEY KNOW I GOT A GED.

BUT THEY WALK IN AND GO,

"HEY DADDY, NEVER MIND."

"YOU DON'T KNOW NONE OF THIS.

YOU THE ONE TOLD ME TO STICK

THE FORK IN AN ELECTRICAL

OUTLET."

[LAUGHTER]

STUFF IS HAPPENING TO CHILDREN

THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO US.

KIDS GETTING KIDNAPPED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW WE'RE

RAISING KIDS THAT DON'T

UNDERSTAND DANGER.

LIKE WHEN WE GREW UP WE UNDER--

THEY COULD JUST SAY ANYTHING,

"HERE, COME HELP ME FIND A CAT."

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL COME."

WE WERE GROWING UP, IF YOUR

NEIGHBOR SAW YOU TALKING TO

SOMEBODY STRANGE THEY STOPPED

YOU FROM TALKING TO 'EM.

EVERYBODY WATCHED OUT FOR

EVERYBODY ELSE.

IF YOU WANT TO STOP KIDS FROM

GETTING KIDNAPPED IT'S A SIMPLE

THING, TEACH 'EM HOW TO CUSS,

THAT'LL STOP 'EM FROM GETTING

KIDNAPPED.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU WALK

ALONG IN THE MALL, YOU HEAR SOME

LITTLE KIDS SHOUT OUT, "I DON'T

KNOW THIS MOTHER [BLEEP]!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY IN HERE TURN AROUND

THEN.

I DON'T THINK HE KNOW THAT MAN.

WHITE PEOPLE BE GOING,

" I'M SHOCKED AND APPALLED

THAT HE WOULD USE THAT KIND OF

LANGUAGE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YA KNOW, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED

MAN THAT UH THE MORE BEAUTIFUL

A WOMAN IS THE MORE BULL [BLEEP]

YOU'LL PUT UP WITH?

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN GET AWAY WITH

MURDER.

A PRETTY WOMAN COULD START

CRYING IN HERE RIGHT NOW,

EVERY MAN IN HERE, "GIRL,

YOU ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

OOH, I HATE TO SEE A PRETTY

THING LIKE YOU CRYING."

UGLY WOMEN CATCH HELL WHEN THEY

CRY 'CAUSE DON'T NOBODY GIVE A

DAMN.

[LAUGHTER]

[SOBBING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HEY GIRL GET AWAY FROM MY CAR!"

"DON'T MAKE ME THROUGH ANOTHER

ROCK AT YOU, MOVE NOW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND PRETTY WOMEN THINK THEY

ONLY JOB IS TO BE PRETTY,

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THEY...

"WHAT DO YOU DO?"

[CLEARS THROAT] "LOOK AT ME!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND PRETTY WOMEN CAN'T COOK

WORTH A DAMN.

Y'ALL KNOW YOU CAN'T.

CAN'T MAKE [BLEEP] BUT

RESERVATIONS.

"HEY GIRL, I'M HUNGRY."

"WHERE YOU WANT TO EAT AT?"

"IN THE KITCHEN, THAT'S WHERE

I WANT TO EAT.

SEE THAT BOX WITH A FIRE COMING

OUT, THAT'S A STOVE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY LOVE MONEY.

THEY DO.

THEY DO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY LOVE IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY LOVE

EVEN MORE THAN MONEY?

YOUR MONEY.

THEY LOVE YOUR MONEY MORE THAN

MONEY.

AND IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

I CAN PROVE IT.

THAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

YOUR WIFE.

"YEAH, MY WIFE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN IS THE LAST TIME AS SHE IS

LOVELY GAVE YOU CHANGE BACK

FOR ANY DAMN THING?

THEY THINK IT'S THEIRS.

"CHANGE?

WHAT CHANGE?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I..."

MY WIFE DOES THAT ALL THE TIME.

"I NEED SOME MONEY FOR

GROCERIES."

"HERE, HERE, HERE."

"I NEED SOME EGGS AND SOME

MILK."

"WELL, HERE'S $50.

HEY BABY, AH...

WHERE'S MY CHANGE?"

"WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY

CHANGE."

"WELL, UNLESS YOU BOUGHT EGGS,

MILK AND COCAINE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOMEN LOVE MONEY, THEY LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE TO SHOP, TOO.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE TO SHOP?

WHAT IS THAT?

LOVE TO SHOP.

LOVE TO SHOP.

AND THEN YOU SHOP AND YOU DO

LITTLE SLICK [BLEEP] LIKE WE

DON'T KNOW.

LIKE YOU BUY A WHOLE BUNCH OF

STUFF AND YOU STICK IT IN THE

BACK OF THE CLOSET.

AND YOU TAKE IT OUT A PIECE AT A

TIME LIKE WE SO STUPID

WE DON'T--

"HEY, HEY, HEY, WHERE DID YOU

GET THAT?"

"I HAD THIS A LONG TIME.

I DON'T KNOW...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT ARE YOU...?"

AND THEN THEY LEAVE A LOT OF

THAT STUFF IN THE TRUNK OF THEIR

CAR.

"GO HOME RIGHT NOW."

"HEY, BABY, CAN I SEE YOUR

TRUNK?"

"WHAT DO YOU NEED TO GO TO

MY TRUNK FOR?!"

YOU EVER CATCH 'EM GETTING

DRESSED IN THE GARAGE?

[LAUGHTER]

"STOP WALKING UP ON ME LIKE

THAT.

I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE THIS STUFF

BACK."

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK WOMEN ARE INSANE.

I AIN'T SAYING WE AIN'T GOT

Y'ALL THAT WAY BUT Y'ALL ARE

INSANE.

Y'ALL DO STUFF EVEN YOU CAN'T

EVEN EXPLAIN.

LIKE PUT TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM

AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO USE.

WHAT TYPE OF...?

WHAT IS THAT?

"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS,

THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU!"

"WELL, WHO THEY FOR?"

"THEY NOT FOR YOU!"

EVERY TIME I GET OUT THE SHOWER

I RUB MY [BLEEP] ACROSS THEM

[BLEEP] DAMN TOWELS!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE

DAMN TOWELS.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

DAMN THESE TOWELS.

AND THEY LOVE MONEY AND MEN LOVE

SEX.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

YOU COULD THINK AND YOU HAVE IT

SO WE HAVE TO TOLERATE YOUR

BULL [BLEEP].

YOU COULD THINK WE PUT UP WITH

ALL YOUR STUFF 'CAUSE OF YOUR

SPARKLING ASS PERSONALITIES

BUT YOU'D BE WRONG.

[LAUGHTER]

THE BEST SEX YOU EVER GET IS

BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED 'CAUSE

THEY AUDITIONING FOR THE JOB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

EVERYBODY IN HERE DONE BEEN ON

ONE OF THEM JOB INTERVIEWS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU WANT THE JOB BAD ENOUGH

SO YOU LIE TO GET IT.

"WILL YOU WORK ON SATURDAYS?"

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I'LL WORK ON

SATURDAYS."

[LAUGHTER]

"ARE YOU A TEAM PLAYER?"

"YUP.

I'M A TEAM PLAYER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I JUST READ SOMETHING ON THE

INTERNET SO YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WANT YOU TO LISTEN

VERY CAREFULLY.

I JUST READ THAT A UNIVERSITY

DID A FIVE-YEAR STUDY THAT

CONCLUDED THAT WOMEN WHO PERFORM

FELATIO AT LEAST TWO TIMES

A WEEK AND [BLEEP] THE SEAMAN

LOWER THEIR RISK OF

BREAST CANCER BY AS MUCH AS 50%.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH.

HOLD ON.

I'M NOT LYING.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

AN ACTUAL UNIVERSITY STUDY.

NOW I HAVE A GED, BUT THIS WORD

FELATIO SOUNDED INTERESTING

TO ME SO I LOOKED IT UP.

AND LET ME TELL YOU LEARNING

CAN BE FUN.

AND IT SAYS, "STUDY FINDS THAT

FELATIO MAY SIGNIFICANTLY

DECREASE THE RISK OF

BREAST CANCER IN WOMEN."

AND I WILL POINT TO A SPECIFIC

QUOTE.

[LAUGHTER]

"DR. MARY SMITH WHO SAYS,

'ONLY WITH REGULAR OCCURRENCE

WILL YOUR CHANCES BE REDUCED.

SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I ENCOURAGE ALL WOMEN OUT THERE

TO MAKE FELATIO AN IMPORTANT

PART OF THEIR DAILY ROUTINE.'

SAID DR. MARY SMITH ONE OF THE

RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY,

'SINCE THE EMERGENCE OF THE

RESEARCH I TRY TO FELATIATE AT

LEAST ONCE EVERY NIGHT TO REDUCE

MY CHANCES.'"

SEE, SEE, ALL THIS TIME YOU

THOUGHT WE WERE BEING NASTY

WE WERE ONLY TRYING TO SAVE YOUR

LIFE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND THIS IS SCIENCE.

CAN'T ARGUE WITH SCIENCE.

IT ALSO POINTS OUT THAT FELATIO

HAS SEVERAL OTHER MEDICINAL

BENEFITS.

"IT CAN SHORTEN THE LENGTH AND

SEVERITY OF A COLD OR FLU.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN SOOTH A SORE THROAT.

AND CAN HELP MANAGE DEPRESSION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD ME

NO [BLEEP] LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

"HONEY, GET IN HERE, IT'S TIME

FOR YOUR MEDICATION."

WOMEN--

WOMEN ARE GOING TO BE SCARED

TO COUGH.

[COUGH]

[COUGH]

"HEY GIRL, YOU COUGHING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I JUST--

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M HERE

FOR YOU."

"LEAVE ME ALONE, MY THROAT

IS SORE."

♪ RICOLA ♪

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