CC Presents: Todd Lynn

  • Season 9, Ep 14
  • 05/12/2005

Todd Lynn: HI, HI.

WE CAN'T BE IN HERE ALL NIGHT.

OKAY.

OKAY, LOOK AT HERE ALL Y'ALL.

HERE'S MY STORY.

I MOVED HERE THREE YEARS AGO.

I'M NOT FROM NEW YORK.

I'M FROM OHIO, KIND OF A

COUNTRY BOY.

YEAH.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN HERE LIKE

THREE YEARS.

MY ASSESSMENT OF THIS PLACE IS,

I-- I GOTTA GET THE HELL

OUT OF HERE.

THIS IS, AH--

THIS PLACE A LITTLE TOO ROUGH

ON ME.

LET ME SAY THIS AND THIS IS

NOT FOR ALL NEW YORKERS BUT

PRETTY MUCH 98 PERCENT OF THEM,

Y'ALL THE MOST RUDEST PEOPLE

I EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NEVER MET--

I MEAN Y'ALL MAKE--

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

Y'ALL MAKE THE MOST SIMPLISTIC

THINGS AN EXERCISE IN

AGGRAVATION.

I'M TALKING ABOUT LITTLE STUFF

LIKE.

GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I THINK WHEN YOU GO TO AN ATM

MACHINE IT'S A CERTAIN

DISTANCE YOU SHOULD BE THE HELL

AWAY FROM ME THE WHILE

I'M PUTTING MY PIN CODE IN.

IN NEW YORK Y'ALL LIKE JACKED UP

RIGHT UP ON MY BACK.

I'M LIKE "EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU

GET YOUR PENIS OFF MY BACK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD WITH IT

RIGHT IN THE CREASE.

IS THERE ANY WAY YOU COULD

PUT IT ON MY HIP?

I'D FEEL A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.

ARE WE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW?

HOW DOES THIS WORK OUT?"

I'M TELLING YOU MAN.

IT IS HARD TO LIVE HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU ALL.

YOU-- YOU-- Y'ALL DON'T REALLY

HAVE LIKE HOMES HERE

OR APARTMENTS.

Y'ALL LITERALLY HAVE LIVING

SPACES HERE.

I MEAN, EVERY APARTMENT

GUARANTEE COMES STANDARD WITH

A STOVE, A REFRIGERATOR,

AND MICE IN YOUR HOUSE.

AND Y'ALL DON'T HAVE NORMAL MICE

EITHER.

JUST RUN ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE

"HEY, THERE'S A MOUSE!"

Y'ALL GOT THESE GANGSTER

TONY SOPRANO MICE.

WITH MACGYVER LIKE ABILITIES

TO GET INTO EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

I-- THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT IT.

I STARTED WORKING OUT AT

THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR.

THAT AIN'T REALLY WORKING.

BUT I'LL TELL Y'ALL ABOUT THAT

LATER.

I BOUGHT THESE PROTEIN BARS.

I PUT 'EM ON TOP OF THE

REFRIGERATOR, RIGHT?

THE MICE CLIMBED UP THE BACK OF

THE REFRIGERATOR.

THEY ATE THE PROTEIN BARS.

NOW I GOT THESE, SUPER STRENGTH,

GENETICALLY ALTERED MICE RUNNING

AROUND MY HOUSE.

MOVING FURNITURE OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY ARE SO MASSIVELY BIG

THEY STEP IN THE GLUE TRAPS

AND WEAR 'EM LIKE FLIP FLOPS

AROUND THE HOUSE.

LIKE, "YOU GOT ANY OTHER

NUTRITIOUS MEALS WE CAN PARTAKE

OF AROUND HERE?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING

LIKE IT.

AND THEN I'VE DONE SOME DUMB

STUFF, TOO.

'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T WARN PEOPLE

WHEN THEY MOVE HERE.

LIKE I SOLD MY CAR WHEN I

MOVED HERE, 'CAUSE MY BUDDIES,

YOU KNOW, THEY WERE LIKE

"HEY MAN, YOU DON'T NEED A CAR

HERE.

IT'S A HASSLE.

YOU GET PARKING TICKETS.

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN PARK IT.

AND EVERYTHING ELSE."

AND THEY SAID, "WE GOT THE BEST

MASS TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM

IN THE WHOLE WORLD."

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT YOUR

ALL LITTLE FUNKY ASS SUBWAY

SYSTEM.

OKAY?

IT GOES EVERYWHERE BUT WHERE YOU

ACTUALLY NEED TO GET TO.

AND THEN THE TRAINS ARBITRARILY

CHANGE INTO OTHER TRAINS IN THE

MIDDLE OF YOUR RIDE.

HAS ANYBODY IN THERE EVER RODE

A NEW YORK SUBWAY AND HEAR THIS

UNINTELLIGIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT,

[MUMBLING PHRASES].

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS NOW AN AMTRAK--

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

WHERE'S THAT GOING?

IS THAT GOING LOCAL?"

YOU END UP IN CONNECTICUT

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU

GONNA GET BACK TO TIMES SQUARE.

AND THEN I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW

SOMETHING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

THIS IN MY LIFE.

AND ONLY NEW YORKERS CAN DO

THIS BECAUSE Y'ALL HAVE THIS

SUPER POWER.

Y'ALL ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP

SITTING ON THE TRAIN.

AND WHEN YOUR STOP COME

BING-BONG, YOU JUST HOP UP AND

WALK OUT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, HOW DID HE DO THAT?

I'M TELLING YOU.

THIS TOWN CHANGES YOU, RIGHT?

I MEAN IT REALLY CHANGES YOU.

I MEAN AND IT'S NOT SUBTLE

CHANGES EITHER.

IT'S LIKE REAL PRONOUNCEMENTS

LIKE, WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,

I WAS 140 POUND WHITE MAN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW...

[LAUGHTER]

I END UP LIKE THIS.

AND I'M SERIOUSLY LIKE, I'M--

THIS WORD FOR EXAMPLE IT BRINGS

ME TO THIS.

"CURMUDGEON."

THAT'S WHAT I'M BECOMING,

A CURMUDGEON.

WHICH IS LIKE AN OLD EVIL,

CRANKY GUY.

BUT I'M LIKE 35 AND ALREADY GOT

CURMUDGEON STUFF GOING ON.

LIKE EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME NOW.

I CAN'T DO SIMPLE THINGS WITHOUT

GETTING UPSET.

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, I WENT TO BUY

A PAIR OF SHOES TWO DAYS AGO,

MIND YOU I THINK SHOE SALESMEN

ARE IDIOTS.

I JUST WANT TO PUT THAT OUT

THERE, OKAY?

I WENT TO GET SOME SHOES AND

I SAID "COULD I HAVE THESE

IN A 12?"

AND HE COMES BACK AND GOES

"I GOT A 9 AND A 9 1/2."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE YOU IDIOT!

I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

GIVE ME THE 9 1/2, I'M GONNA

FOLD MY TOES UNDER MY FOOT YOU,

YOU JACKASS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

EVERYTHING I DO REQUIRES ME--

SOMEHOW I END UP UPSET.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT REALLY

GOT ME THOUGH.

I BOUGHT A PHONE THE OTHER DAY.

ONE OF THESE--

I HAVE A PHONE FOR MY HOUSE.

A 900 MHZ CORDLESS PHONE.

SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST ONE

YOU CAN GET.

I HAD IT 20 MINUTES.

I THREW IT OUT THE DAMN WINDOW,

RIGHT, 'CAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK

THE WAY I NEEDED IT TO WORK.

BECAUSE WHAT I ACTUALLY NEEDED

WAS ONE OF THESE OLD VINTAGE

PHONES, ONE OF THOSE OLD SQUARE

ONES WITH THE BUTTONS ON IT.

MADE OUT OF THAT INDESTRUCTIBLE

PLASTIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING.

THE ONE YOU COULD DROP DOWN

A FLIGHT OF STEPS AND WHEN YOU

PICK IT UP SOMEBODY WAS STILL ON

THE DAMN LINE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS A GREAT PHONE FOR ONE

REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY.

YOU COULD HANG UP ON JACKASSES

THE WAY YOU REALLY WANT TO

HANG UP ON 'EM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE OLD SCHOOL

HANG-UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

"I HATE YOU.

I HOPE YOU DIE."

BLAAM!

AND SLAM THE PHONE DOWN.

AND BUST THEIR DAMN EARDRUM OUT.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE REASON FOR

HANGING UP.

NOT TO GET RID OF THE CALL TO

DEAFEN THE PERSON ON THE OTHER

LINE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH THESE

NEW SENSITIVE HIGH TECH SISSY

PHONES.

YOU KNOW YOU GET MAD AND WANT TO

HANG UP ON A GUY.

LIKE, "I HATE YOU.

I HOPE YOU DIE."

BOOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU HUNG UP

ON 'EM.

THEY THINK YOU LOST THE DAMN

SIGNAL?

SO WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY USE THAT ANNOYING "STAR 69"

FEATURE TO CALL YOU BACK, RIGHT?

AH, AH, AH.

YOU CAN BLOCK 'EM OUT WITH A

"POUND 58."

BUT THEY CAN GET AN EMERGENCY

CUT THROUGH WITH A "STAR POUND

47."

SO BY THE END OF THIS, YOU'RE

WORKING OUT A MATH EQUATION.

LIKE, "I'M GONNA HIT YOU WITH A

"POUND 47" AND A "STAR 58."

HE WON'T NEVER GET IN TOUCH

WITH ME."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M ALMOST 40.

I'M GOING THROUGH LIKE A

PRE MIDLIFE CRISIS.

YOU KNOW, SO I CAN'T DO ALL

THE THINGS I USED TO DO.

LIKE I CAN'T LIKE GO OUT AND

HANG OUT AND DANCE AT CLUBS

BECAUSE I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE

I'M LIKE THE CREEPY DUDE IN

THE CLUB.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THE CREEPY DUDE.

THE ONE THAT REALLY DON'T SAY

NOTHING TO WOMEN.

HE JUST LOOK AT THEM LIKE,

"HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH."

"HEE HEEH HEE HEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M-- I'M-- I'M FINISHED MAN.

I JUST-- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE AT

THIS AGE EITHER.

I DON'T HAVE LIKE A NICE CAR.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I DON'T HAVE REAL NICE PLACE

TO STAY.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,

NOT BECAUSE I'M CREEPY.

BUT IT'S BECAUSE I'M JUST

TOO LAZY TO TALK.

I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN NO

MORE.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN AFTER 35 WHAT

IS YOUR OPENING LINE?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY?

"YOU LIKE ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE

I WAS WHEN I WAS 14.

SITTING ON THE PHONE AT

3 AM, "NO, YOU HANG UP.

NO YOU HANG UP.

I MEAN I'M SLEEPY BUT I AIN'T

SLEEPY, SLEEPY.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO HANG UP

AT THE SAME TIME?

LET'S DO IT.

ONE TWO THREE.

YOU HANG UP?

NO.

I'M STILL THERE."

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

AND WOMEN PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS

THE WRONG WAY.

WELL, YOU CAN IF YOU WANT

I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN

AT THIS POINT.

I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE I DON'T

LIKE WOMEN ANYMORE.

I MEAN I LIKE THEM.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

I LOVE WOMEN.

BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM.

AND IN ALL HONESTY, NO MAN--

WE REALLY DON'T LIKE Y'ALL.

WE LOVE YOU.

BUT WE REALLY DON'T LIKE Y'ALL.

Y'ALL ARE REALLY ANNOYING ON

ANOTHER LEVEL THAT Y'ALL HAVE

NO IDEA ABOUT.

OKAY?

WE DON'T.

WE DO NOT LIKE YOU.

SEE AND YOU THOUGHT THE PROBLEM

WAS THAT IS-- THIS IS WHAT IT

REALLY IS.

HERE'S THE HONESTY COMING FROM

ME.

MEN, WE REALLY INTO SEX, WOMEN,

Y'ALL INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.

SEX, RELATIONSHIPS.

AND THEM DON'T GO TOGETHER.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

I KNOW.

NO, SEE AND WOMEN ARE NOT JUST

INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

THEY INTO THAT WHOLE

OPRAH WINFREY BOOK CLUB FORM OF

A RELATIONSHIP.

THE ONE WHERE THEY'RE TALKING IN

THE BOOK CLUB LIKE "I WANT A MAN

THAT WE CAN COME TOGETHER AS ONE

IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST AS WE

PLEDGE FAILTY."

PPLLBTH!

NO!

NO!

NO MAN MEETS YOU AND WANT TO

TALK.

OKAY?

NO MAN EVER WALK UP TO YOU

AND GO, "WE COULD HAVE LOVING

WONDERFUL CONVERSATION

TOGETHER."

NO WE DO NOT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THE THOUGHTS THAT GO THROUGH

OUR HEAD WHEN WE FIRST MEET YOU

ARE SO EVIL AND CREEPY

WE CAN NOT EVEN VOCALIZE 'EM.

I'M TELLING YOU.

WE CAN'T.

IT'S LIKE WE LOOK AT YOU AND

GO, "OH GIRL, [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

SPREAD YOUR BUTT CHEEKS..."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TELLING YOU WE ARE SO CREEPY

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU UNTIL WE

SLEEP WITH YOU.

UNTIL WE HAVE SEX, WE HAVE

NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.

ONCE WE GET SEX, WE GET CLARITY.

WE START SEEING STUFF WE NEVER

SEEN IN THE BEGINNING.

LIKE, "I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD

ONE LEG, THIS IS INCREDIBLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"AND THAT PATCH OVER YOUR EYE.

OKAY.

SO YOU A PIRATE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT EXPLAINS THE BOAT AND THE

SWORD FIGHT.

AND I GET IT NOW."

AND I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH

NOT A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

I'M LIKE A REGULAR GUY.

YOU KNOW COUNT IT, I DON'T LOOK

TOO GOOD, BUT I DON'T LOOK

TOO BAD.

YOU KNOW I'M LIKE RIGHT UP THE

MIDDLE.

I'M REGULAR.

YOU KNOW.

I COULDN'T DATE ANYBODY LIKE

YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

YOU LOOK TOO GOOD FOR ME.

I COULDN'T TAKE YOU OUT.

I TAKE YOU OUT, PEOPLE DON'T

EVEN BELIEVE I'M WITH YOU.

GUYS START WALKING UP, TALK TO

YOU LIKE I AIN'T EVEN STANDING

THERE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S

HAPPENING?

THAT YOUR LADY?"

"YEAH."

"OKAY-- WELL, WHAT'S UP WITH

HER?"

"WHAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TELLING YOU.

AND I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

GUYS ARE SO RUDE IN NEW YORK

I'M LETTING YOU KNOW.

YOU COULD GO OUT WITH YOUR

GIRLFRIEND INTO THE CLUB,

YOU HOLDING HER HAND.

ANOTHER DUDE WILL WALK UP

AND HOLD HER OTHER HAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU LOOKING AT HER LIKE,

"LET GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU GONNA GET ME IN A FIGHT."

I'M TELLING YOU JUST

RELATIONSHIPS AS A WHOLE

BECOME SO DIFFICULT BECAUSE

IT'S LIKE YOUR--

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND, WE BROKE UP

BECAUSE WE COULDN'T EVEN GO TO

DINNER TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHY WE COULDN'T GO TO

DINNER?

BECAUSE WOMEN, Y'ALL DON'T

UNDERSTAND WHAT DINNER IS.

DINNER TO MEN IS DINNER.

OKAY?

THAT MEANS WE WANT TO EAT.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE

AMBIANCE.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BUBBLES

GOING THROUGH THE WATER TANK.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YABLOW

PLAYING HIS LEBANESE WATER FLUTE

IN THE BACKGROUND.

WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT.

WE JUST WANT TO EAT.

Y'ALL COULD MAKE IT SO SIMPLE

IF YOU JUST ORDERED FROM THE

MENU.

YOU NEVER ORDER FROM THE MENU.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

THE MENU NORMALLY CONSISTS OF

ONE THROUGH TEN.

PICK A NUMBER.

IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

MEN PICK A NUMBER.

WHEN WE GO IN WE BE LIKE,

"I WANT THE NUMBER TWO WITH

THE MEAT.

YOU KNOW THE MEAT.

YEAH, THE NUMBER TWO."

WOMEN DON'T DO THAT.

THEY ALWAYS CHANGE EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE TURNING IT INTO A WHOLE

ALA CARTE THING.

"COULD YOU CHANGE THE RICE FOR

GREEN SALAD?

AND MAYBE, YOU KNOW, REPLACE

THE BEANS WITH, YOU KNOW,

DA, DA, DA, AND COULD YOU KNOW,

TAKE THE BREAST-- WHAT IS IT--

THE BEEF AND REPLACE IT WITH

CHICKEN?"

AND I'M THINKING THAT'S A

NUMBER SIX.

JUST ORDER A NUMBER SIX,

YOU JACKASS, ORDER A NUMBER SIX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND WOMEN DON'T THINK ANYTHING

IS WRONG WITH THIS.

THEY LIKE, "IT'S ALL RIGHT."

I'M LIKE, "NO, YOU ARE PISSING

THE WAITRESS OFF."

SHE'S LIKE, "UNH-UH, THIS IS

HER JOB, THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS

RIGHT."

"NO, YOU NOT.

'CAUSE RIGHT NOW SHE'S IN THE

BACK WIPING HER ASS WITH MY

CHICKEN BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW TO ORDER A NUMBER SIX."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

BOY, Y'ALL ARE SO BAD WITH THIS.

Y'ALL ARE SO BAD WITH THIS,

I HONESTY START SEEING WHY MEN

START DATING MEN.

I CAN REALLY SEE IT NOW.

THEY DO.

'CAUSE THEY FIGURE, "HEY,

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA GO OUT

WITH SOMEBODY I GOT SOMETHING

IN COMMON WITH, YOU KNOW THAT."

NO IT'S REAL EASY.

BE LIKE, "I'M HUNGRY."

"ME, TOO."

"YEAH."

"I WANT TO SEE THE GAME."

"SO DO I."

"I WANT TO [BLEEP]."

"NA, NA, ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S PROBABLY MY FAULT TOO,

I CAN'T FIND NOBODY 'CAUSE LIKE

I DON'T HAVE A DATING BODY,

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY NEED TO BE

IN SOME KIND OF SHAPE.

UNDERNEATH THIS IS LIKE A MESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I GOT LIKE A PROTOPLASMIC--

I'M BUILT LIKE AN AMOEBA

UNDER HERE.

I KNOW.

I GOT BREASTS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY

CAME FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I DO.

I GOT TITTIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IT'S LIKE MY BODY--

NO, HONEST-- LIKE MY BODY WENT,

"OH, YOU GONNA EAT THEM WING

DINGS AND THEM CHEESE FRIES.

OKAY, WE'RE HERE.

WEAR THESE MAN TITS AROUND.

SEE HOW THEY LOOK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T GET RID OF 'EM EITHER.

I'M IN THE GYM.

I'M WORKING OUT.

BUT HERE'S THE TROUBLE WITH

THAT.

YOU GO TO THE GYM RIGHT AND

THEY GOT A MACHINE FOR EVERY

BODY PART.

YOU KNOW, THEY LIKE--

OH, WE GOT SOMETHING FOR THE

LEGS, THE ARMS, THE BACK.

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T WALK UP

TO THE TRAINER AND BE LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, WHERE'S THE MAN TIT

MACHINE AT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE DO I GO TO GET RID OF

THESE D CUPS?

I CAN'T EVEN JOG ON THE

TREADMILL.

MY BREASTS ARE FALLING OUT OF

MY TANK TOP.

I'M HAVING WARDROBE

MALFUNCTIONS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'M A GROWN MAN.

I NEED A SPORTS BRA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT A YEAR,

TOO, A WHOLE YEAR, ONE ENTIRE

YEAR, AND NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

THERE HAS BEEN NO CHANGE IN MY

WEIGHT.

NO CHANGE IN MY BODY FAT.

NO DEVELOPMENT.

NO, I TAKE THAT BACK.

I'VE DEVELOPED SOMETHING,

MY CALVES.

HOW'S THAT?

MY CALVES, WHICH IS THE MOST

INSIGNIFICANT NOT VISIBLE

BODY PART.

IN ORDER FOR ME TO SHOW THOSE

OFF I GOTTA WEAR CAPRI PANTS

AROUND AND WALK ON MY TOES.

LIKE, "LOOK AT THESE INCREDIBLE

CALVES."

I CAN TIP TOE TO LONG ISLAND.

AAH!

AAAH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY TOO,

I ALWAYS LIKED PERFORMING IN

FRONT OF CROWDS BECAUSE NOBODY

EVER BELIEVES I'M A COMEDIAN.

SOON AS I WALK ON STAGE THEY'RE

LIKE, "WHY IS THE DOORMAN DOING

COMEDY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I SEEN THE WAY Y'ALL LOOKED AT

ME.

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG,

I UNDERSTAND WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

I'M A BIG BLACK KIND OF EVIL

LOOKING DUDE.

I MEAN, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

I LOOK LIKE EVERY COMPOSITE

DRAWING YOU EVER SEEN ON

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.

NO, NO, LET ME GIVE YOU ALL

VISUAL FROM THE NECK UP.

LOOK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW DIFFICULT--

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR

ME NO TO SCARE WHITE PEOPLE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?

THE STUFF I HAVE TO DO

EVERY DAY?

I MEAN-- AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE

WHITE PEOPLE HAVE SELECTIVE FEAR

WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

IT'S NOT LIKE-- 'CAUSE THEY'RE

NOT AFRAID OF ME IN THE DAYTIME.

IT'S ALWAYS AT NIGHT.

IN THE DAYTIME I'M LIKE A

CIRCUS ATTRACTION.

THEY LOOKING AT ME GOING,

"HEY LOOK, IT'S A BIG BLACK GUY.

LET'S GIVE HIM A HOT DOG SEE

WHAT HE DOES.

HUH."

BUT AT NIGHT IT'S A TOTALLY

DIFFERENT STORY.

OKAY?

I WALK UP BEHIND THEM, THEY

ZIGZAGGING ACROSS THE STREET.

THEY GOT THEIR MACE OUT AND

THEIR KUBITAHN KARATE THING.

JABBING IT AT ME LIKE,

"RELEASE, GET BACK, ATTACK."

I'M LIKE, "AHH!"

WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK BLACK

PEOPLE--

WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK WE GOT

LIKE SOME KIND OF NOCTURNAL

SUPER POWER OR SOMETHING WHERE

WE TELEPORT IN AND OUT OF THE

SHADOWS SNATCHING YOUR BAGS

LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR BAGS.

I'M NIGHTTIME [BLEEP] MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

KNEEL BEFORE MY DARK ARCANE

[BLEEP] POWERS.

ARGH ARGH!"

Todd Lynn: I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TOO,

NOW HERE'S WHERE I GET TO THE

TOUGH PART.

AND A LOT OF TIMES THIS OFFENDS

PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY

TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.

BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL 'CAUSE

IT'S "MY DAMN SHOW."

[LAUGHTER]

UM, I DON'T LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

NAW, NAW, YOU DON'T--

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS 'CAUSE

OTHER DAY I HAD AN ARGUMENT

WITH A GUY.

AND I REALIZED THAT THERE IS--

WHITE PEOPLE HAVE NO RACIALLY

DEROGATORY SLUR THAT I CAN

ACTUALLY CALL THEM THAT REALLY

GETS UP UNDER THEIR SKIN AND

MAKES THEM WANT TO PUNCH ME IN

THE FACE.

THERE IS NOT ONE.

AND EVERY RACE HAS ONE.

ABSOLUTELY EVERY RACE HAS ONE.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL DON'T HAVE

ONE.

YOU DON'T.

ALL Y'ALL GOT IS CRACKER.

AND THAT DON'T WORK.

IT DON'T, I TRIED IT.

I LIKE, "CRACKER."

THEY BE LIKE, "WHATEVER,

GIVE ME SOME SOUP WITH THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID

'CRACKER.'"

[LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO BE RACIST.

YOU ALL JUST DISMISSED IT.

"AH, AH, AH, AH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, AND I TRIED

EVERYTHING.

I TRIED HONKEY, BUT HONKEY

DON'T WORK.

IT DOESN'T.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

I SAY HONKEY 'BOUT TWO TIMES

I START LOOKING LIKE A DAMN

IDIOT.

I'M LIKE, "HONKEY!

HONKEY!"

BY THE THIRD HONKEY I DONE

TURNED INTO GEORGE JEFFERSON.

I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP, HONKEY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"COME ON WEEZIE, DO THE HONKEY

DANCE."

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

I'M JEALOUS OF WHITE GUYS, TOO.

I USED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF

BUDDIES MAN, THAT-- I LIVED IN

LIKE AN ALL WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE

WHITE GUYS.

AND THEY COULD DO STUFF I COULD

NEVER DO.

THEY COULD GO THROUGH PHASES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL KNOW

WHAT A PHASE IS.

I JUST SEE YOU POINT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT THE PHASES.

A PHASE IS SOMETHING WHERE YOU

CAN DO ANY OUTRAGEOUS THING AND

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT BECAUSE

IT'S JUST A PHASE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR JIMMY

COULD GO THROUGH PHASES,

ALL RIGHT.

HE COULD DO CRAZY STUFF LIKE

HE WOULD GO UP UNDER HIS

MOTHER'S SINK, SNORT COCAINE,

SCREW HIS POODLE, SLAP A

POLICEMAN.

HE WOULD GO TO JAIL.

HIS MOTHER WOULD GO RIGHT DOWN

THERE AND GET HIM OUT OF JAIL.

IT WOULD BE NO PROBLEM

WHATSOEVER.

SHE WOULD GO DOWN THERE AND BE

LIKE, "JIMMY'S NOT A BAD KID.

HE'S REALLY GOOD.

HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH A

PHASE."

I'M STILL ON PROBATION FROM

SCREWING THE POODLE, OKAY?

I'M--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULDN'T GO THROUGH THAT

PHASE.

THAT'S NOT A PHASE I COULD GO

THROUGH.

IT AIN'T.

AND YOU KNOW I TELL YOU ELSE

YOU CAN GET THIS OFF.

WOMEN CAN GO THROUGH PHASES,

ALSO.

WOMEN CAN DO THE MOST OUTLANDISH

THINGS AND NOT BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR IT.

LIKE WOMEN CAN DO THINGS LIKE

HAVE RELATIONS WITH OTHER WOMEN.

SLEEP WITH THEIR COLLEGE

ROOMMATE AND THEY BE LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU KNOW, I SLEPT WITH

A WOMAN ONCE, NOT REALLY INTO

WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST A PHASE."

YOU, YOU, YOU--

THAT, THAT, THAT--

YOU CAN'T GO THROUGH THAT

DAMN PHASE WITH HIM, CAN YOU?

YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH HIM.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BE LIKE, "OH,

I-- YOU KNOW, ME AND REGGIE

SCREWED BUT I'M NOT REALLY INTO

GUYS.

IT WAS JUST A PHASE."

NO, ONCE YOU SLEEP WITH A GUY,

YOU HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT WITH A

GUY.

YOU CAN NOT DO IT.

YOU CAN NOT TAKE IT AWAY.

YOU SLEEP WITH GUYS.

IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S NOTHING

YOU CAN DO.

THERE'S NO MANLY THING THAT YOU

CAN DO, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN START WEARING A

LOINCLOTH, WALK AROUND WITH A

SWORD AND AN AX, SLAYING DRAGONS

IN THE MIDDLE OF BROADWAY.

YOU WILL JUST BE THE SISSY

DRAGON SLAYER.

THAT'S IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TODD LYNN Y'ALL.

I APPRECIATE YOUR ALL TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioni

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