Valentine, Bamford, Tosh, Robinson

  • 12/06/1999

BUT I WISH I WAS SPANISH, MAN,I'M TELLING YOU

'CAUSE SPANISH TV IS THE BOMB.

YOU DON'T GOT TVUNTIL YOU GOT SPANISH TV

BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

SPANISH TV...EVEN THE ANNOUNCERS, MAN.

THE ANNOUNCERS ARE ON FIRE!

( imitating Spanish )

YOU CAN TURN ON SPANISH TV6:00 IN THE MORNING

AND THEY DANCING.

( imitating fast salsa rhythm section )

OI! OI! OI!

THEY GOT A GAME SHOW...

THEY BREAK INTO A SONG

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE GAME SHOW.

I'M TELLING YOU.

( imitating Spanish )

ME LLAMO TOMAS.

( humming )

SABADO GIGANTE!

( whispers ):BY CALVIN KLEIN.

CK ONE.

IT'S BY CALVIN KLEIN.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS WHISPERTHEIR ADS FOR?

I'M ALWAYS AT HOMEGOING, "WHAT?"

( whispers ):IT'S BY CALVIN KLEIN.

OKAY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

COMING OUT NEXT FALL,WE HAVE A NEW FRAGRANCE.

IT'S CALLED...

( no audio )

JUST WAS UP IN TORONTO.

I WENT TO THE MOLSON INDY.

MY FIRST CAR RACE EVER, MAN.

I-I LOVED IT.

THE SPEED WAS GREAT.

THE ONLY THING IS,I THINK I LIKE IT BETTER ON TV.

YOU CAN SEE THE WHOLE TRACK.

WHEN YOU'RE THERE LIVE

YOU SEE, LIKE, 50 YARDSOF TRACK, THAT'S IT.

AND THESE CARS, THESE INDY CARSGO OVER 200 MILES AN HOUR. 200!

I'M SITTING THERE GOING

"WHEN THE HELL'S THIS THINGGOING TO START?"

( imitates car engines roaring )

"SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DOAFTER THIS?

"THERE'S A MALL AROUND HERE?

"YEAH, I'LL GO TO THE MALL.

"I GOT TO PICK UP A PAIR OF...

( imitates car engines roaring )

...BUTTON-FLY JEANS."

I JUST BOUGHT THESE.

THESE ARE THE BUTTON-FLYS.

THEY'RE POPULAR NOW

AND THEY WERE POPULARDURING HEE HAW.

GUYS, BE CAREFUL, THESE JEANS...

BE CAREFUL WITH JEANS,ESPECIALLY THE GUYS.

I BOUGHT THESE JEANSAND I WORE THEM OUT

ON A DATE THAT NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

I'M OUT ON THE DATE,EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT.

ABOUT AN HOUR INTO IT

SHE GOES, "I THINKI WANT TO GO HOME."

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME."

I GOT HOME...

33-30! 33-30! 33-30! 33-30!

I BOUGHT A PAIROF COWBOY BOOTS ONCE.

COWBOY BOOTS ARE COMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW THE PROBLEMWITH COWBOY BOOTS?

THERE'S NO TRACTIONON THE BOTTOM OF THE BOOT

WHEN YOU FIRST GET 'EM.

AND THEY PUT CARPETINGIN THE SHOE STORE.

I GOT THE BOOTS ON.

THE SALESMAN GOES, "WALK AROUND.SEE HOW THEY FEEL."

THESE ARE GREAT!

THANKS A LOT!

COULD YOU GIVE MEANOTHER LITTLE PUSH

BACK TO MY OLD BOOTS?

THEY'RE RIGHT THEREIN THE CHAIR.

I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT 'EM!

I'M FROM HERE.

I LIVE OUT IN LOS ANGELES NOW,YOU KNOW?

I LOVE IT HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS?

THE PIZZA. THIS ISTHE BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD.

I MISS THE PIZZA AND I MISSTHE GUY THAT MAKES IT.

LIKE, IN L.A., YOU GET, LIKE,A BLOND-HAIRED KID

WITH THE NOSE RINGHOOKED TO HIS BELT.

HEY, CAN I HELP YOU, DUDE?

I WANT A LITTLE ITALIAN GUY,YOU KNOW?

YOU WALK IN THE STORE.

HOW YOU DO, HUH?

NICE-A DAY OUTSIDE, HUH?

SUN-A SHINE, YEAH.

I'M IN HERE MAKING PIZZA.

SON OF A BITCH!

SO, THIS YOU GIRLFRIEND, HUH?

THIS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

NICE ( gibberish ), YEAH!

SWEETHEART, WHAT-A YOU DOINGWITH HIM? AH!

MAKE A NICE PIZZA PIEFOR YOU LOVEBIRDS, HUH?

THE SAUCE. YOU LIKE THE SAUCE?

YOU LIKE A LITTLE SAUCE( gibberish )?

NOW, NOW WITH THE CHEESE, HUH?

YOU LIKE-A THE CHEESE?

♪ DULUTH IN THE HOUSE,OH, YEAH. ♪

MY, UH... MY MOM--

I'LL TELL YOUA LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF--

MY MOM, UM, TOLD ME

BEFORE I WENT TO MY FIRSTGIRL-BOY PARTY

IN THE EIGHTH GRADE

SHE SAID, "OKAY,REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT--

"GONORRHEA, SYPHILIS,HERPES ONE, TWO.

"WATCH THE COLD SORES.

"DATE RAPE IS A LOT MORE COMMONTHAN PEOPLE THINK.

"YOU LOOK SO GORGEOUS.

"YOU WERE CONCEIVEDIN GROTON, CONNECTICUT

"IN ONE NIGHTIN A CAMPSITE.

"I AM NOT SAYINGYOU WEREN'T PLANNED.

"I'M JUST SAYING BAMFORDS GETPREGNANT LIKE FALLING OFF LOGS.

"OH, JENNY'S MOM'S HERETO PICK YOU UP.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

UM...

I'VE BEEN THINKINGABOUT GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS

BECAUSE I'M A RADICAL,MILITANT FEMINIST

AND, UH, I WAS TRYINGTO RATIONALIZE IT

BY SAYING IT'S JUST LIKETHE JUNGLE TRIBESWOMAN

WHO SAYS TO THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TRANSLATOR

"I KNOW THERE ARE GOINGTO BE PHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS

"IF I INSERT A NINE-AND-A-HALF-INCH-DIAMETER CLAY LIP PLATE

"INTO MY MOUTH,BUT I'M DOING THIS FOR ME

"AND IT ALSO REPRESENTS HOW MANYCATTLE MY HUSBAND RECEIVES

AT THE TIME OF OUR ENGAGEMENT."

I USED TO, UH, I USEDTO WORK AS A SECRETARY

AND I HAD THIS REALLYCREEPY, CREEPY BOSS

WHO WOULD ALWAYS COME UP TO MEAND SAY STUFF LIKE:

( heavy breathing )

"I REALLY, I REALLY LIKE IT WHENYOU WEAR HAIR DOWN LIKE THAT.

( heavy breathing )

"IS THAT, IS THAT A PICTURE

"OF YOUR BOYFRIEND? HA-HA-HA.

"BOY, IF I WERE STILL HIS AGE

"I'D GIVE HIMA RUN FOR HIS MONEY.

( nervous chuckle )

( heavy breathing )

"WHY DON'T YOU,YOU COME IN THE MEETING

"AND, UH, TAKE SHORTHAND

"AND CHEER UP THE GUYSWITH YOUR PRETTY FACE?

"COME ON, SMILE FOR ME.

YOU LOOK SO MUCHMORE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU SMILE."

LIKE I GO IN HIS OFFICEAND SAY STUFF LIKE--

HI. I REALLY LOVE THE WAYYOUR GRAY, CURLY NECK HAIR

COMES UP OVER THE EDGE

OF YOUR PEACH, POLYWEAVE,SWEAT-STAINED SPORTS SHIRT.

DON'T MAKE ME JEALOUS

WITH THOSE PICTURESOF YOUR FAT, ANGRY WIFE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN MY CUBICLEAND TELL ME MORE

ABOUT MY PARTIAL DENTAL BENEFITSAFTER 90 DAYS.

COME ON, SMILE FOR ME.

THE FACT THAT I NET$6.49 AN HOUR

TO PROVIDE YOUWITH THE SEXUAL STIMULATION

YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO GETIN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

IS SO MUCH MORE APPARENTWHEN YOU SMILE.

OH, MAN.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

I HAVE DECIDEDTHAT THE WORSE THE JOB IS

THE MORE EXCITED THE TEMPORARYREPRESENTATIVE IS ABOUT IT.

( trilling excitedly ):HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS JUDY FROMT.R.C. STAFFING IN GLENDALE.

GOOD MORNING.

I HAVE AN INCREDIBLEOPPORTUNITY HERE FOR YOU TODAY.

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR,ALPHANUMERICAL FILING

IN AN INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE.

I THOUGHT OF YOU FIRST.

KEPT EXPECTING IT TO GET WORSE.

HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS JUDY.

TIJUANA, MEXICO.LOADING FRUIT TRUCKS.

YOU NEED TO BE THEREIN A HALF HOUR.

CORPORATE DRESS.

HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS IT,I HAVE A FEELING.

TEMP-TO-PERM, THAILAND.

YOU ARE SOLD INTO PROSTITUTION,BUT THERE IS FREE PARKING.

JUST BY LOOKING AT ME

I'M NOT LIKEMOST BLACK COMEDIANS.

Y'ALL, CAN WE KEEP IT DOWNWHILE I SEND A SHOUT OUT?

WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO PEOPLE SAYING, "HI, MOM"?

NOW EVERYBODY'S GOTTO SEND A SHOUT OUT, YOU KNOW?

I GOT TO LISTEN TO SOME KID GO,"I'M GOING TO SEND A SHOUT OUT

"TO TAMIKA, RASHONDA, ROCHELLE,MICHELLE, AMY, RAY RAY, T-BONE

"LISA, ALL THEM BITCHESUP AT BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL.

"WHA'S UP?

"YO, Y'ALL,I WANT TO SEND A SHOUT OUT

TO MY MOM,MY DAD-- WHOEVER HE IS."

I SAW MYSELF NAKEDIN FRONT OF A MIRROR

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

THAT'S NOT THE JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A SETUP.

I SAW MYSELF NAKED, AND I SAID

"HOLY COW! I'M THE WHITE MAN.

I'VE HEARD A LOT OF BAD THINGSABOUT YOU, CRACKER."

NO, BUT

WE'VE ALL HEARD THE SAYING

"OH, IT'S THE WHITE MANHOLDING ME DOWN."

WELL, I WAS LOOKINGIN THE MIRROR, GOING

"IS IT ME?"

AND THEN I SAID

"HEY, I CAN'T WAKE UPBEFORE 11:30 IN THE MORNING

"MUCH LESS KEEP A RACE OF PEOPLE

FROM REACHINGFINANCIAL FREEDOM."

IT'S NOT ME!

IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

ABOUT GAY PEOPLE?

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.

YOU GOT GAYSAND YOU GOT RELIGION.

GAYS AND RELIGION,AND THEY DON'T PARTY TOGETHER.

IT'S USUALLY, LIKE,SOME RIGHT-WING RADICAL--

SOME REDNECK GUY--GOING, "GOD HATES QUEERS.

"GOD DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE.

"GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE.

HE DIDN'T MAKE ADAM AND..."

Audience members:STEVE!

"STEVE."

THAT'S RIGHT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALK...?

ALL RIGHT, NOW,IF YOU LOOK AT THE BIBLE

AND YOU LOOK AT ADAM AND EVEAND THE GARDEN OF EDEN

WE ALL KNOW WHO SINNED FIRST.

LADIES,DO YOU HAVE TO EAT EVERYTHING?

( cheering and hollering )

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

NOW GOD'S GOT TO PUNISH US.

GOD HAS TO PUNISH USFOR ALL MANKIND.

AND WHAT WAS WOMEN'S PUNISHMENT?

PAINFUL CHILDBIRTH.

MENSTRUAL CYCLES.

WHAT WAS MAN'S PUNISHMENT?

WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH WOMEN.

NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.

DON'T GET UPSET.

THAT'S WHY I GET SO UPSET

WHEN PEOPLE SAY,"GOD HATES GAYS."

GOD DOES NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE.

HE'S JUST MAD BECAUSE THEY FOUNDA LOOPHOLE IN HIS SYSTEM.

"ANYBODY WHO EVER WINS AN OSCARAT THE ACADEMY AWARDS

AND THEIR STUPIDACCEPTANCE SPEECH."

OH, MY GOODNESS,I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WON.

I'M SO NERVOUS.

I'D LIKE TO START OFF

BY THANKING GODFOR MAKING THIS ALL POSSIBLE.

AND I'D LIKETO THANK MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

FOR STANDING BY MEFOR ALL THOSE YEARS.

THANKS, HONEY. WE DID IT.

AND... MY TIME'S GOING?

OH, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I WON.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON?

YOU HAD AN AISLE SEAT.

GOD... IT'S...

I MEAN, NOBODY'S EVERSEEN THIS AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

THIS YEAR, THE WINNER IS...

IT'S DANIEL TOSH.

OH, THAT'S ME!

I WON!

MY TIME'S ALREADY UP?

I WAS IN THE BACK.

LET ME JUST DO MY LITTLE SPEECH.

I'D LIKE TO START OFF

BY THANKING L. RON HUBBARDFOR MAKING THIS ALL POSSIBLE.

I'D LIKE TO THANKMY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

FOR STANDING BY MEFOR ALL THOSE YEARS.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY GIRLFRIEND

FOR KEEPING EVERYTHINGON DOWNLOAD.

I'D LIKE TO SEND A SHOUT OUTTO TAMIKA, RASHONDA, ROCHELLE

MICHELLE, TO AMY...

( cheering )YEAH, WHATEVER.

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

BARRY'S THE ONLY MANTHAT I'M JEALOUS OF.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE CAN MAKE ANYTHINGSOUND SEXY, YOU KNOW?

ALL HE GOT TO DO IS SAY...BARRY BE LIKE...

( guttural grunt )

I JUST FARTED IN THE STUDIO.

I'M FROM CHICAGO.

AND WHO MADE CHICAGO IMPORTANTOVER THE LAST 12 YEARS?

MR. MICHAEL JORDAN.

WHETHER YOU LOVE HIMOR HATE HIM, YOU GOT TO ADMIT...

( cheering )

HE CHANGED THAT GAMEWHEN HE CAME

HE CHANGED IT WHEN HE LEFT.

RIGHT NOW

I WANT TO INTRODUCE MIKEFOR THE LAST TIME.

CAN Y'ALL PRETENDLIKE WE'RE AT THE GAME?

CAN WE MAKE SOME NOISEFOR THAT?

( cheering and applause )

AND NOW...

THE STARTING LINEUPFOR THE CHICAGO BULLS!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( cheering )

AT GUARD

FROM NORTH CAROLINA

NUMBER 23

MICHAEL JORDAN!

( cheering and applause )

AT FORWARD,FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

STANDING SIX FOOT TWO

CRAIG ROBINSON!

THAT WAS ME. THAT WAS ME.

I JUST THREW MY NAME...

Y'ALL DIDN'T CLAP.

FELLAS, I DON'T WANTTO GIVE AWAY OUR SECRETS

BUT, LADIES, MEN--WE HEAR THAT SONG IN OUR HEADS

BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

I'M SERIOUS.

IT'S, LIKE,YOU LAYING ON THE BED

LIKE, "WHAT'S HE WAITING ON?"

AND WE'RE STANDINGIN THE DOORWAY...

AND NOW, AT FOUR INCHES...

THAT WASN'T ME, YOU KNOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT WASN'T ME.

HELLO, THAT WASN'T ME.

OH, MAN, I GOT TO...

OH, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I GOT TO PUT SOME OINTMENTON MY RASH.

BUT BEFORE I GO...

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,RIGHT HERE IN THE SECOND ROW?

MICHELLE.

MICHELLE?

HEY, MICHELLE.

I WAS WONDERING MAYBE...

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTREAL GOOD WITH WORDS.

LET ME SAY IT LIKE THIS.

( playing ballad )

♪ MICHELLE

♪ WHEN I FIRST LOOKED AT YOU

♪ THERE WERE SO MANYROMANTIC THINGS, BABY ♪

♪ THAT I THOUGHTTHAT WE COULD DO ♪

♪ MAYBE GO FOR LONG WALKS

♪ SIT OUT ON THE BEACH

♪ I'LL BUY YOU SOME FOOD, GIRL

♪ MAYBE A PEACH

♪ MICHELLE, PLEASE,WON'T YOU TELL ME ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE SOME BOOTY?

♪ WON'T YOU PLEASE

♪ GIVE IT TO ME

♪ SOME OF THATBOO-BOO-BOOTY... ♪

WHAT YOU THINK, MICHELLE?

COME ON, GIVE ME SOMEOF THAT BOOTY, GIRL!

♪ IT COULD BE ME...CAN YOU...? ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT, FELLAS,CAN YOU ALL HELP ME OUT?

COULD WE ALL SING THATTO MICHELLE LOUD AS WE CAN?

( Craig and men in audience ):♪ CAN WE HAVE SOME BOOTY?

STRAIGHT UP,WHAT'S UP, MICHELLE?

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