Candy Van Finger Bang

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 05/07/2014

A Chinese man looks for an American mail-order bride, two pinatas come to a terrifying realization, and Bethiffer goes shopping for lingerie.

- SHUT UP, CLASS!

I'M YOUR SUB FOR, UH--WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

SEX ED? [laughs]

ALL RIGHT, WHO HASN'TPUT THEIR LITTLE SUPERSTAR

INTO A NICE, NEW MEAT JACKET?

[laughter]

- YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT.CLASS DISMISSED.

HELL, I'M SORRY, BILLY.

LISTEN, YOU CAN HAVE

THIS PLASTIC LEARNING VAGINAIF YOU WANT.

YOU CAN PROBABLYCRAM YOUR WIEN INTO IT.

- [grunting]

SPLOOGE!

- UGH, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIMESOMEONE'S JACKED OFF IN HERE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- I'M THE ONLY KID AT SCHOOLWHO'S STILL A VIRGIN.

- BILLY, I HAVE TAKENTHOUSANDS OF VIRGINITIES,

AND IF THERE IS ONE THINGI'VE LEARNED--I GOT NOTHING.

BEING A VIRGIN SUCKS.

- I WISH YOU COULD HELP MELOSE MY VIRGINITY.

- JIZZAM.

- UGH!

- ALRIGHT,LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

BILLY, MEET LOLA.SHE IS GOING TO DEFLOWER YOU.

- OH, MAN. I HOPE WEFALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED.

- [coughs]

HEY, KID, I'M GONNAPOP YOUR CHERRY WIDE OPEN.

- HEY, MAKE ME PROUD.

- UM, I WAS HOPING MY FIRST TIMECOULD BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIAL.

- FINE.

JIZZAM.

- UGH!

- WOW, PROM NIGHTIS THE MOST SPECIAL NIGHT EVER

TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY.

- TOO SECURE.

TOO PRETTY.

TO CONFIDENT.

DESPERATE AND ALONE.BINGO.

GO GET HER, BILLY.

- WHA--- OW!

- I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.- WE MUST BE SOUL MATES.

WILL YOU MAKE TONIGHT THE MOSTSPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE?

- SURE.

I KNOW WE'VE JUST MET,BUT I THINK I LOVE YOU.

- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

IT'S TIME TO [bleep].

YOU CAN'T GET IT UP?

- I DON'T KNOW.THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THEMOST SPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

FIX IT! FIX YOUR PENIS!- I'M SORRY!

- I'M GONNAREMEMBER THIS FOREVER.

- MAKING YOUR FIRST TIME SPECIALIS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I WISH I COULD LOSE MY VIRGINITYLIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

- JIZZAM.

- [groans]

- CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.- WHERE AM I?

- YOU HAVE LOST YOUR VIRGINITY!

- COOL!

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

- EXACTLY!

YOU WORE A CONDOM, RIGHT?

ROOKIE MISTAKE.

[phone rings]

THEY SPREAD.

I CAN GO ON AND ON

CHATTING YOUR EAR OFFABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT I THINKDR. POLAROID SAID IT BEST.

A PICTURE PAINTSA HUNDRED PICTURES.

[hard rock music]

AMERICA, YOU BETTER GET SOME.

[neck cracks]

- OH, NO. OOH.

[rock music]

[foreboding music]

- AHHH!

[both scream]

- [speaks Japanese]

OKAY.

[hard rock music]

[electronic music]

- [chuckles]

- SO, UH, ZOEY AND IGOT PRETTY FAR LAST NIGHT.

- AH, ZOEY.HOW WAS IT, MAN?

- RAUL, IT WAS FANTASTICO.

[warped voice]SHE SUCKED ON MY TOOTSIE ROLL.

- [chuckles]OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- EH, IT WAS GOOD FOR HER TOO.

I AM PRETTY WELL HUNG.[chuckles]

- [laughing]OH, MY GOD. OH, PACO.

- [giggles]

- GOD, I JUST WANTTHIS PARTY TO BE OVER.

I'M REALLY JUST AT THE ENDOF MY ROPE WITH THESE KIDS.

- MAN, THIS PARTY'S SO BORING,I COULD JUST HANG MYSELF.

[both laugh]

- OKAY, KIDS, ARE YOUREADY TO HIT SOME PINATAS?

[kids cheer]

- WAIT, WHAT?

[bleep]!

MOTHER[bleep]BITCH [bleep] SHIT!

MY GOD, MY [bleep] LEG!

- OH, MY GOD, RAUL,ARE YOU OKAY?

- GET AWAY FROM ME!NO, GET AWAY!

OH, GOD. [bleep], OH, SHIT.

OH, GOD. [bleep] THIS.

[gasping, gagging]

- OH, MY GOD.THAT WAS SO [bleep]!

- I'M SO COLD.

MAMA?

[coughs] MAMA?

TELL MY WIFE AND KIDSTHAT I LOVE--

[kids cheer]

PACO, HELP ME.

- [slurps]

AH...

- [chomping]

- HEY, LOOK,THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

- NO, PLEASE, NO.

NO. NO. NO.

[electronic dance music]

- JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO HUNKS.

HEY, CHAD.

HEY. HEY, CHAD.

CHAD, CHAD,CHAD, CHAD, CHAD

CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD--

CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD--- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, LIKE,

GO TO THE BALL PITAT THE FUN PALACE,

AND I'LL, LIKE, THINKI'M GRABBING A PLASTIC BALL,

BUT IT WILL BE, LIKE,YOUR FLESHY BALL,

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, NO!"

BUT YOU'LL LIKE IT,AND BE LIKE--

- NO.

BETH, YOU ARE A BONER TERRORIST.

YOU ARE THE OSAMA BONE-LADENOF BONER TERRORISTS.

- YOUR LOSS, CHAD.

CALL ME WHEN YOU WANTA REAL WOMAN.

SERIOUSLY, CALL ME.I'LL BE WAITING.

- HE'S A LOSER ANYWAY.- YOU'RE A LOSER.

YOU TOTALLY COCK-BLOCKEDMY GAME, YOU BITCH.

- I'M SORRY.

- OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVESO MANY BONERS.

- LIKE, A MILLION BONERS.

- CAN I HELP YOU GIRLSWITH ANYTHING?

- UM, YEAH.

WHICH ONE OF THESEGIVES THE MOST BONERS?

- WELL, I'M NOT SURE THIS LINEWILL HAVE YOUR,

UM, SIZE.

HAVE YOU GIRLSTHOUGHT OF SHOPPING

AT THE PLUMP AND PLENTIFUL?

- HAVE YOU EVERTHOUGHT OF SHOPPING AT THE, UM,

I'LL F-ING KILL YOU STORE?!

I'M A REAL WOMAN!

NOW, SHOW MEWHERE THE CHANGING ROOMS ARE.

[grunts]

WHAT THE "F."

IT'S LIKE THESEARE MEANT FOR SKELETOR.

- UGH, THIS IS GONNA BETHE WORST SHOPPING MONTAGE EVER.

[dance music]

- ♪ YOU GOT YOURITTY BITTY THONG ♪

♪ AND YOUR HIGH HEELS ARE ON

♪ YOU'RE SEXY AND YOU KNOW IT

♪ GOT JUNK IN THE TRUNK,AND YOU WANT TO SHOW IT ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE DIDDLE DIDDLE

♪ LITTLE WIGGLE'ROUND THE MIDDLE ♪

♪ AND YOU NEED A LITTLE MORESO YOU WIGGLE WHEN YOU GIGGLE ♪

[music slows]

- HEY, BETH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK WE'RE READYTO MAKE SOME BONERS HAPPEN.

[bell rings]

HEY, CHAD.

YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT,

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,MAYBE SEXIER?

- BETH,FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME...

[elastic creaking]

OW!

- OH, NO!CHAD, MY LOVE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- GET AWAY FROM ME!

- NO, BUT CHAD, I JUSTWANTED TO GIVE YOU BONERS.

[metallic slice]

I CALL THE BOTTOM HALF.

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