Jeffrey Ross: No Offense - Live From New Jersey

  • Season 1, Ep 101

In his native New Jersey, Jeff Ross roasts his audience, recites some poetry and reflects on his USO trip to Iraq.

I TOOK HIM TO DISNEY.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO BE37 INCHES

TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER,YOU KNOW.

AND, UH, I TAKE HIMON SPACE MOUNTAIN.

AFTERWARDS HE'S SO EXCITED.

HE JUST RODEHIS FIRST ROLLER COASTER.

OF COURSE WE HAVE TO PEE.

WE GO THE MEN'S ROOM,

AND, UH, HE'S FINALLYBIG ENOUGH NOW

WHERE HE CAN GOTO THE REGULAR-SIZE URINALS.

YOU KNOW, NOT THE LITTLE MANURINALS ON THE END, YOU KNOW.

HE'S SO--BUT HE CANBARELY REACH IT.

HE HAS TO PUT HIS THING,

LIKE, RIGHT ON TOPOF THE URINAL, YOU KNOW.

HE LOOKS AT ME ALL PROUD.

LOOKS AT THE GUYNEXT TO US.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M 37 INCHES."

WOW!

GUY'S LIKE, "I GUESSYOU WIN, KID, HELL!

"TO HELL WITH DISNEYLAND.JOIN THE CIRCUS!

THEY HAD ME WATCHING SESAME STREET.

HAVE YOU SEEN SESAME STREET THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS?

OH, MY GOSH, SESAME STREET HAS BEEN RUINED.

THEY GOT THE COOKIE MONSTER--HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

THE COOKIE MONSTER--WHAT IS IT, JUST SAY IT.

(man) HE EATS VEGETABLES!

HE'S A VEGETARIAN.

[audience boos]

HE'S ON A DIET.

THEY GOT THE COOKIE MONSTEREATING BROCCOLI AND [bleep].

HE'S LIKE, "COOKIES AREA SOMETIMES SNACK."

[laughter]

I MISS THE OLD COOKIE MONSTER.

HE USED TO WANTTO STICK HIS [bleep]

IN SOME CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

[imitating Cookie Monster]"COOKIE!

"COOKIE!

"SHUT THE DOOR, KIDS.

"I'M ABOUT TO MAKETHIS BATCH MY BITCH.

I'M GONNA BUST A NUT ALLOVER THESE NUTTER BUTTERS."

"I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO [bleep] THESE COOKIES.

"I WOULD LICKA MUFFIN'S [bleep]

TO [bleep] THESE COOKIES."

COME ON, LADY,DON'T LOOK AT ME

LIKE YOU NEVER LICKEDA MUFFIN'S [bleep].

[laughter]

AND THAT WAS MY JOB,TO CLEAN OUT HER APARTMENT.

THAT'S THE WORST JOB, RIGHT?

SO I CALLED MY COUSINTO HELP ME OUT, RIGHT?

MY COUSIN STU.

EVERY FAMILY HASA COUSIN STU.

HE'S 47 YEARS OLD,HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS,

AND THEY LIVEWITH THEIR PARENTS.

SO I'M LIKE, "STU, WAKE UP.

OUR AUNT PASSED AWAY, YOU GOTTAHELP ME CLEAN OUT HER STUFF."

WELL, HE KNOWS SHE'S 104.

BUT STILL, HE GOES...

[sighs]

"HOW'D SHE DIE?"

"UH...

HER 'CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN."

HOW'D SHE DIE?

SHE WAS 104!

SHE WAS TRAMPLEDAT A WU-TANG CONCERT.

SHE WAS THE OLDESTDIRTY BASTARD IN THE ROOM.

HOW DID SHE DIE?

HER HARLEY FLIPPED OVERON THE JERSEY TURNPIKE.

SHE SCORED SOME BAD CRACK;

THEY FOUND HER IN NEWARK.

SHE DIED DURINGCHILDBIRTH, STU.

SHE GAVE BIRTHTO 74-YEAR-OLD TWINS LAST NIGHT.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

COME MEET YOUR NEWAUNT DONNA AND UNCLE MURRAY.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW HOW SHE REALLY DIED,FOR REAL?

SHE TURNED 104,

THE WHOLE FAMILYGOT TOGETHER,

WE TOOK A VOTE,

AND WE SHOT HER.

HOW LONG CAN WE WAITFOR THREE GRAND

AND A [bleep]COIN COLLECTION?

I GOT BILLS,PARTY PEOPLE.

I CLEANED OUTHER ATTIC,

SHE HAD, LIKE,MOSES'S YEARBOOK UP THERE.

SHE HAD THE BLUEPRINTSTO THE WHEEL.

SHE WAS A FREAK TOO.

SHE HAD, LIKE, AND OLD VIBRATORWITH A HAND CRANK.

[laughter and applause]

SOME CROWDS ARE ROUGH.

I DID A SHOW ONCEAT THE BORGATA IN BAGHDAD.

THAT WAS A ROUGH CROWD.

AFTER THE SHOW,SOME GUY WAS LIKE,

"OH, I LAUGHED SO HARDI STABBED MY FRIEND."

[laughter]

I WENT OVER WITH DREW CAREY.

YOU KNOW DREW CAREY?WE DID A SHOW IN IRAQ.

SOLDIERS LOVE DREW CAREY,'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THEY LOVE BLONDESWITH BIG TITS.

(audience member) CAMP VICTORY.

WHO SAID "CAMP VICTORY"?

THAT'S YOU, CAMP VICTORY? YOU WERE AT CAMP VICTORY?

YUP. OH.

DID YOU SEE MEOVER THERE? YES, I DID.

OH, THAT'S SO COOL, DUDE.

THANKS FOR COMING TO THE SHOW.

THAT'S AWESOME.

THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

I DON'T EVEN THINK

I FULLY UNDERSTOODWHAT IT MEANT

TO BE A COMEDIANUNTIL I WENT OVER

AND I DID A SHOW FOR SOLDIERSIN UNIFORM AND COMBAT.

IT WAS AN INCREDIBLELIFE-CHANGING MOMENT FOR ME.

AND THEN IT GOT KIND OF CRAZYON THE LAST NIGHT

WHEN MY HOTEL ROOM,THE AL RASHID HOTEL IN BAGHDAD

GOT HIT WITH A MORTAR ATTACK.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHATI TOLD THE FRONT DESK

WHEN I CHECKED OUT.

THESE TERRORISTS BROKE INAND DRANK EVERYTHING

IN THE MINI-BAR.

THEY MADE A BUNCHOF LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS.

AND THEY [bleep] OFFON THE DRAPES.

I'M NOT PAYINGFOR THIS [bleep].

AND THEY WATCHED2 1/2 PORNO MOVIES.

THESE WERE THE HORNIESTAL QAEDIANS I'VE EVER SEEN.

YEP!

I FEEL IT!

BORN IN NEW JERSEY.

I'M FROM A LITTLE TOWN

JUST OFF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKECALLED...

[fake coughing]

OH, I LOVE JERSEY, BUT I ALWAYS LIE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHERE YOU FROM, JEFF?"

I'M LIKE, "NEW YORK."

THEY'RE LIKE,"WHERE IN NEW YORK?"

[whispering]"NEW JERSEY."

YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FUNKY FRESH.

WE'VE GOTAN AMISH GAMBLER HERE.

WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

YEAH.

GOT THE HORSE AND BUGGYIN THE VALET, OR WHAT?

HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

I'M ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR WEARING YOUR GOODFLIP-FLOPS TO THE SHOW.

COME UP HERE FOR A SECOND.

COME UP HERE FOR A SECOND.

WE GOT TIME.

DUDE, COME UP HERE FOR A SECOND.

LET ME JUST SEE ONE OF THOSEFOR A SECOND.

CAN I JUST--CAN I JUST--

THIS IS LIKE CSI EVIDENCERIGHT HERE.

THIS IS THE NICEST CASINOIN THE WORLD,

AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE,UH, I DON'T KNOW.

JESUS CHRIST HADBETTER FOOTWEAR THAN YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DUDE?

JEFF.JEFF.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE BITLIKE CURIOUS GEORGE.

HAVE YOU HEARDTHAT BEFORE?

NO, I HAVEN'T.ALL RIGHT.

WOW, WHAT WAS IT, LAUNDRY DAY?WHAT THE HELL.

WEARING FLIP-FLOPSON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

IT'S LIKE TELLINGYOUR BUDDIES,

"HEY, MAN, WE'RE GOINGOUT TONIGHT,

AND ANYBODY MESSES WITH US,I'M NOT FIGHTING."

[applause]

I AIN'T GOT THE PROPERANKLE SUPPORT TO THROW DOWN.

JUST GONNA FLIPPITY-FLOPTHE [bleep] HOME WHILE...