So, You Want to Be a Vampire?

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 04/21/2010

Mark walks a young couple through the trials of vampire love, and "Larry King disease" ravages New York City.

ATTEMPTED BITINGAND ILLEGAL VAMPIRE CONVERSION

OF A U.S. CITIZEN.

- YOUR HONOR, I DON'T KNOWIF I CAN MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND

OR IF YOU'VE EVER HADA TRUE LOVE IN YOUR LIFE,

BUT IF YOU WERE ME, I WOULDN'TWANT TO GET IN THE WAY OF IT.

THAT IS, IF I WERE A JUDGE,

WHICH PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN,

BECAUSE I'M LEANINGTOWARDS PRE-MED RIGHT NOW.

- YOUR HONOR, IF I MAY.

- YOU MAY NOT.

OFFICER GRIMES,YOU AND YOUR DEPARTMENT

HAVE A LONG HISTORYOF VAMPIRE BRUTALITY:

25 COUNTS OF ASSAULTWITH GARLIC,

EXCESSIVE STAKING,

RECKLESS USE OF A CRUCIFIX,

14 COUNTS OF OPENING BLINDS.

- WHAT IS THIS, A TRIALOR A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD?

- YOU'RE ON SUSPENSIONUNTIL YOU AND YOUR MEN

COMPLETE ANGER MANAGEMENTTRAINING

TO BE CONDUCTED BY

LEONARD POWERSOF SOCIAL SERVICES.

- [sputtering]WHA--WHAT?

- AS FOR YOU TWO, I'M ORDERINGYOU TO UNDERGO INSTRUCTION

ON PROPER VAMPIRE CONVERSIONS.

[gavel whacks]

- THUS ENDS THE CASE

OF THE GOOD, THE BAT,AND THE UGLY.

AND I CAN SEE THE PLAINTIFFSMAKING THEIR WAY

OUT OF THE COURTROOM NOW.

HOW DO YOU FEELABOUT THE JUDGE'S DECISION?

- NO MATTER WHAT,LOVE ALWAYS PREVAILS.

- HE'S SO POSITIVE,

AND HIS EYES CHANGE COLORLIKE MOOD RINGS,

EXPENSIVE ONES.

I MEAN, I AM TALKINGBROOKSTONE QUALITY.

[romantic music]

- HEY, I'M OVER HERE.

- SORRY, SORRY.

I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.

- LIEUTENANT GRIMES,IS THERE ANYTHING

YOU'D LIKE TO SAYTO THE VAMPIRE COMMUNITY?

- YEAH.

I'M COMING AFTERALL YOU HEMOS OUT THERE.

OH, AND HI, MOTHER.

I'M ON TV.

[chatter and laughter]

- I CAN'T BELIEVEWE'RE DOING THIS.

THIS HAS TO BE ILLEGAL.

- SOME OF THEM LOOK 18.

- I SHOULD JUST LET GRIMESSHOW CALLIE THE PHOTOS.

THEN SHE CAN EAT MY INTESTINESFOR OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER.

TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE.

- STOP IT.

I HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH YET.

- OH, GOD.

CALLIE'S SUPPOSED TO BEAT OUR PLACE IN AN HOUR.

RANDALL, CAN YOU DO MEA HUGE FAVOR?

- YOU NEED ME TO BANG HERTILL YOU GET HOME?

- I NEED YOU TO GOTO HELL'S KITCHEN,

GET SOME TAKE-OUT,

AND MAKE IT LOOKLIKE I COOKED IT, OKAY?

- DUDE, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

- LOOK AT THIS GUY.

HE IS A PARENT'S WET DREAM.

WHA--NO WAY!

- NO, I HEAR YA.

I'D MOUTH BLAST HIMIF I WAS A CHICK.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S TWO LARRY KING SIGHTINGSIN ONE DAY.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

- HIS NEW WIFE MUST GO HERE.

TO THE GROUP:

TRISTAN AND BLAKE.

- DAMN, I'D LIKE TO GETMY BRAIN STEM ALL UP IN THAT.

- HEY, COULD YOU PLEASE SHOWA LITTLE RESPECT FOR THE LADY?

- LADY?I'M TALKING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE.

- YAY, EVERYONE'S STARINGAT MY GORGEOUS BOYFRIEND.

I'M PRETTY USED TO IT BY NOW.

IT'S, LIKE, PAR FOR THE COURSE.

LIKE, STARING AT MY BOYFRIENDIS, LIKE, A PAR FOUR,

AND YOU ALL JUST HIT THE BALLFOUR TIMES.

[quietly]DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- I HATE VAMPIRE.

THEY CHEAP,AND THEY RUN ALL BLOOD BANK.

- AND THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT.

- HEY,THOSE ARE UGLY STEREOTYPES.

LET'S LOOK AT THE FACTS.

LET'S SEE.

AVOID SUNLIGHT.

NO REFLECTIONS.

FEAST ON WILD ANIMALS.

RUN BLOOD BANKSAND THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT.

UM...

- I TELL YOU.

- MAY I SAY SOMETHING, MARK?

I ASSURE YOU, THOSE ARE ALLSLANDEROUS BELIEFS

DATING BACK TO THE DAYSOF THE MADMAN VAN HELSING.

- ALL RIGHT.THAT MAY BE TRUE.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE.

BUT THE JUDGE SAIDIF YOU WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE,

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE APPROVEDBY THE VAMPIRE PROCESSING BUREAU

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

- AND HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE?

- SAYS HERE...SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS.

- THAT'S A REALLY LONG TIME.

- IS THAT IT?

- I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVEMORE EFFECT

IF I KEPT IT SHORT.

NOW I'M PAUSINGFOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.

- [yawns]

- OKAY, HERE I GO.

DON'T BOTHER COMING AFTER ME!

- SORRY, I SHOULD REALLYMAKE SURE SHE'S OKAY.

- OF COURSE, YEAH, GO AHEAD.

- WAIT!COME BACK!

WHY'D YOU LET HIM LEAVELIKE THAT?

- MY [bleep] IS BLOCKED.

- YOU SEE, ALL THAT'S REQUIRED

TO MAKE YOUR MURDEROUS RAGEGO AWAY

IS TO COUNT DOWNFROM THREE, TWO, ONE.

VOILA.

- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DOWITH ANGER MANAGEMENT?

- IT DIDN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY,RIGHT?

- I SUPPOSE NOT.

- MAGIC.

YOU SEE, MR. GRIMES' GOON SQUAD,

PERHAPS IF YOU THINK OF THE MILKAS YOUR ANGER...

- INTERESTING.

- SPEAKS TO MEON MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS.

- IT DOES?MY GOSH, I'M A HIT.

SAY, WHAT ARE YOU FELLAS DOINGAFTER WORK?

WHERE YOU'LL COMEONCE YOU GET YOUR APPROVAL.

- BUREAUCRACY IS THE COOLEST!

- RIGHT.

THIS IS WHERE THE CONVERSIONWILL TAKE PLACE.

[instrument buzzing]

YOU'LL ALSO BE CONDITIONEDTO DISLIKE HUMAN BLOOD.

[whistle blows]

[rat squeals]

AND THAT STATION RIGHT THERE

IS WHERE YOU'LL GETYOUR FANGS NEUTERED.

- [groaning]

- SO WAIT.

BLAKE DOESN'T EVEN GETTO BITE ME?

- NO, YOU'LL SLOWLY LOSEYOUR COLOR

AND THEN GROW FANGSAFTER A FEW MONTHS.

- OH, THAT'S PERFECT, 'CAUSEIF YOU LOOK AT MY DAY PLANNER,

I HAD "NOT BE A VAMPIRE" DOWNFOR SEVERAL MONTHS.

SO IT'S REALLY IDEAL.

AGAIN, SARCASM.

LIKE, IF YOU TOOKWHAT I JUST SAID

AND HELD IT UP TO A MIRROR--

[eerie high-pitched tone]

- THIS GAZE SHOULD KEEP HERQUIET FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

- THERE'S SOMETHING AWFULYOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

- IS IT LIKE YOUR TERRIBLE

"I SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT"SECRET?

- NO, NO, I REALIZE,IN RETROSPECT,

THAT REALLY WASN'T SO BAD.

BUT THIS ONE IS SO DARK,IT'S SURE TO TEAR US APART,

AND I DON'T THINK I COULDSURVIVE WITHOUT YOU.

YOU'RE AS MUCH A PART OF MEAS MY PANCREAS.

- OKAY, THAT'S IT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

- MR. LILLY?

- YOU, SIR,

ARE THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

- SINCERE THANKS, MR. LILLY.

- ALL DAYFOLLOWING YOU TWO AROUND

BECAUSE TRISTAN'S DADWANTS SOME DIRT.

WELL, I CAN'T THINKOF ONE REASON

THE TWO OF YOUSHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

- MY FATHER HAS RUINEDEVERY RELATIONSHIP

I'VE EVER BEEN IN.

MY PHYS-ED TEACHER,

MY STEPBROTHER,

THE MALL SANTA--

- I DO KIND OF AGREEWITH THAT LAST ONE.

- YOU TWO SHOULD ELOPEOR SOMETHING,

BLOW THE OLD MAN OFF.

JUST...WHATEVER YOU DO--

HOLY CRAP!THERE'S LARRY KING AGAIN.

[eerie music]

- [coughing]

- WE CAN NOW CONFIRM

NEW YORKERS ARE TRANSFORMINGINTO LARRY KING.

OUR OWN ALAN WHITERIS ON THE SCENE.

- THANK YOU, GIRL ANCHOR.

AS THE MYSTERIOUSMAD LARRY DISEASE

SWEEPS THROUGH THE CITY,

I SPOKE WITH CITIZENS WHO SAY

THEY ARE FEARFULTHAT THEY MIGHT BE NEXT.

- MY NEIGHBOR GOT IT,

AND NOW ALL SHE DOESIS INTERVIEW COLIN POWELL.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWHOW SHE GOT HIS NUMBER.

- AS A KID WIZARD,OR KIZARD,

I CAN SAFELY SAYTHIS MAD LARRY DISEASE

IS SCARIER THANA LEVEL-THREE WEDGIE SPELL.

- I SELL SUSPENDERS,

AND I THINK IT'S GREAT!

- HEALTH OFFICIALS WARN YOUTO AVOID ALL CONTACT

WITH ANYONE RESEMBLINGTHE TALK SHOW LEGEND.

AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES

SHOULD YOU SHARE A NEEDLEWITH LARRY KING.

IT'S CURRENTLY BELIEVEDMAD LARRY DISEASE

IS BEING TRANSMITTEDTHROUGH THE BLOOD.

BRAIN KABOB, CURRIED BRAIN,

COUNTRY FRIED BRAIN.

I'M TELLING YOU,MY ZOMBIE COOKBOOK

IS GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE.

- RANDALL, WHERE'S MARK?

- I TOLD YOU, HE'S ON HIS WAY.

AND SPEAKING OF "ON THE WAY,"

MY COOKBOOK SHOULD BE ON THE WAYFOR THE HOLIDAYS.

YOU'LL HAVE BRAIN PUDDING,

BRAINS AND YAMS,

LIKE, CAKE AND [bleep].

[cell phone ringing]

[phone beeps]

- I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TRUSTEDTHAT SNOT-NOSED PUNK.

TIME TO HANDLE THISTHE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

WE HAVE WORK TO DO, MY DARLING.

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY, HELLO.

WONDERFUL CITY.

OH, DEAR GOD, NO!

- YOU SAY SOMETHING, BOSS?

- I SAID, "SADDLE UP."

WE'RE RIDING INTO VAMP TOWN.

- SO HOW'S WORK GOING?

- I DON'T WANT TO TALKABOUT WORK.

- WELL, YOU GOT ANY HOT FRIENDSYOU COULD SET ME UP WITH?

- I DON'T WANT TO TALKABOUT MY FRIENDS.

- HOW'S THE BEING-A-HUGE-[bleep]BUSINESS GOING?

OH, I SEE IT'S GOING GREAT.- UGH.

SIT DOWN BEFORE I DESTROY YOU.

- AND NOW YOU'RE GIVING MEORDERS IN MY OWN HOUSE?

YOU BETTER SLOW IT DOWN,FIRE-CROTCH,

'CAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT MEIN YOUR GRILLE.

- UGH!- OH!

[grunts]

OH, IT IS ON.

click!

[buzzing]

- LEONARD, I'M SURE IT'S FINE.

WE GOT TO ROLL.

- YEAH, IT'S JUST BEEN A WHILE

SINCE I'VE RODE STEEDINTO BATTLE, AS IT WERE.

[metal clunking]

CHAIN MAIL?

THEY SHOULD CALL IT"CHAFE" MAIL.

[clears throat]HEAR THAT, GUYS?

"CHAFE" MAIL?

HELLO?IS ANYBODY THERE?

- [groaning]

UGH!

UGH!

YAH!RAAGHH!

UGH!

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HOUSEGUEST!

AGH!

- NOT MY BEST WORK,BUT IT'S A START.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU TELL MARKAFTER A [bleep] JOB?

[flames whoosh]

- [ululating fiercely]

AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-YAH!

- A HITLER MUSTACHE?

JUST LIKE I ALWAYS THOUGHT.

- [grunting]

- [choking]

- AH!

[in demon voice]FEAR ME!

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